Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 11
April 30, 2025
Invisible to the Eye
“…it is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
- from The Little Prince
Invisible to the EyeSometimes people want me to predict whether or not they will be able to repair their relationship. Even after so many years, I reply that I cannot know. This is because of that which is ‘invisible to the eye,’ a.k.a. love.
Complex and difficult emotions can obscure what I think of as a hidden kernel of something special at the core of a relationship. Doing the work of calming a relationship and reconnecting can expose that core of love again. Once that happens love can expand again and take over.
Sometimes it’s other emotions that are invisible to the eye. For example, grief that has not been allowed out, anger that is boxed off, or the hint of a loss of hope that things will never get better.
These essential emotions deserve respect.
What essential feelings are inside you, waiting for constructive expression?
HIGHLIGHT:Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD, from professionals you can trust. Questions? Review our i2a on demand information session and Frequently Asked Questions. Register for our May 21 Information Session with Melissa and Rachel.
Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD SEMINARS, GROUPS:NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Starts June 4th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar
Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.
FREE RESOURCES: Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters; Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD"; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists; Chore Score Worksheet; Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
A small revelation
I was browsing a board for people with ADHD and came across a post where an ADHD mother was describing an interaction with her 6-year-old son. She described herself as a busy working single mom. There'd been a lot going on and she decided to have "a chill day." Neither of them got dressed, she spent the day scrolling her phone and reading and he apparently played with his toys by himself.
At the end of the day, he said "I hope you're not lazy tomorrow." She was shocked by this. She launched into an explanation about executive dysfunction, why it's not laziness, why calling people lazy is harmful. Then she went online to post about it.
Something really stuck out to me: at no point did she — or anyone else replying to that thread, not a single person — express any curiosity whatsoever about what her very young son was feeling. There must be a reason he said that he hoped things would be different tomorrow, right?
It struck me that he was learning the same thing a lot of us have learned: what we want doesn't matter. When we're unhappy with the way the ADHD person in our lives is showing up for us, it's because there is something wrong with us, our beliefs and our expectations, and that needs to be corrected. What we wanted or why the current state of things is making us unhappy is so irrelevant and unimportant that it isn't even worth acknowledging.
And the thing is, this ADHD mom didn't seem uncaring. She didn't yell at her son. She obviously wanted to have the conversation in a loving way. It's just that she didn't even notice that what he was doing was trying to express an unmet need, not shaming her.
It's a small thing. I don't want to be overly critical. But it's easy to imagine how a young child is repeatedly reoriented from their own feelings about a parent's choices to the parent's feelings, and a sense of responsibility for managing them.
The more I delve into understanding ADHD and the dynamics of my own marriage, the more I feel that at the core of this is a fundamental failure of empathy, and the more I realize that making sure my kids value their feelings is something I must prioritize.
April 29, 2025
Protecting Myself
I fear this post may be interpreted as selfish. As a non-ADHD partner, I feel there are others who can (albeit possibly reluctantly) admit to sharing my feelings.
Sometimes I think we are ashamed and feel guilty to admit how angry and impatient we can become as a result of trying to navigate the minds of our ADHD partners and how they impact/affect us individually and as a couple.
We are seniors and with that comes the inherent difficulties in elder relationships (47 years). Good news/bad news: Only within the past 5 years have we discovered & acknowledged his ADHD. Good news: it explained a trememdous amount of our decades of sporatic disconnection. Bad news: at a time in our lives when we need each other even more and our stress levels are elevated naturally, I am in no condition to (mentally or physically) deal with what I know is something he has great difficulty in controlling.
Making matters worse, I am an instant responder, more verbose, more logical and unfortunately, less patient to begin with. The later is something I've been truly working on. I am better. I tend to the anxiety side, which I've come to realize over the years, has been exacerbated by his ADHD. I try to be patient. But I also continue to wait for the next shoe to drop. It's become a viscous cycle of anxiety & momentary calm. The anxiety is killing me.
I've found the only way to protect myself from my husband's ADHD manifestations is to literally walk away from a situation, from his inability to respond, from the interminible wait for a response or his near constant change stories/information either in midstream or moments later. At times it even feels like gaslighting when he insists he "didn't say that". The changing of stories/words/instructions aspect - especially - has been the cause of actual near accidents for the both of us while travelling or hiking, which we both love doing. When I am out in nature, on a trail, I don't need uncertainty or fear initiated by my partner.
The only positive result of that is it's forced me to advocate. But when I do 'take charge' of my own autonomy, there is an overwhelming sense from him of abandonment, failure and letting me down. All of which I understand. So, I acquiese to him more than I should because I can't bear seeing him hurt or sad or like a failure. A stain which his parents created for him to wear throughout most of his life.
But in that acquesence I realize I'm putting my own self and both of us in possible jeopardy because, damn it...I know better in that particular situation. And that creates anger in me. Both at him and myself for not doing what I know should really have been done to protect us.
He truly cannot in many cases see the forest for the trees. His focus is scattershot, while mine is more pinpoint. I've often thought he would drown on a ship if I didn't direct him towards the lifeboats. Having said that it may be construed I consider myself some sort of know it all. I am most definitely not. What I am, I suppose, is a Caretaker. And I hate that.
Please forgive this long diatribe. As I write this it seems to amount to nothing more than selfish word vomit. I'm not seeking answers. I don't think there are any. I just didn't know anywhere else to share this because I know only people here would understand. Thank you. Linda
April 27, 2025
Anger outburst
Hi. My adhd husband just picked me up from work. He was happy and everything was good. I asked him to go into a store to pick up a case of aluminum tins Bec I was eating lunch in the car. He went in happily and came out cursing on the top of his lungs in the parking lot, screaming in front of people and slams the car door shut as he came in the car. Saying this is the last time he is buying tins Bec it’s $45 a box. I screamed saying what’s wrong with you.why are reacting like this. He told me to shut up! And I said No you should’ve bought pyrexes. Such a dumb thing was turned into a huge fight. I am shaking and scarred. As usual. He hasn’t apologized yet. Sees nothing wrong with his behavior. I haven’t said a word in the past 2 hours and I’m resting in my bed traumatized. Crying. Not knowing why my life is so hard. It was such a nice calm day and just like that -bam! Each time he acts this way I disconnect more and more.
April 24, 2025
Please help
In a couple of days there’s a birthday party for one of my best friends. I said I’d be there. It’s far, half a day on a train.
At this party will also be a group of old friends of my ex and me. I lost them a decade ago by moving away and due to ADD marriage struggle, embarrassment, confusion, and envy. Having grieved immensely the loss of these friends, I also feel they came to dislike me. And I can’t explain I withdrew from them because my ex’s symptoms made him and me both so vulnerable socially, we were ridiculed. Because the confinement of undiagnosed severe ADD made most things impossible for us as a couple, and I could never hope to be understood by others. In fact, it would be inappropriate to mention anything about my ex. Or about general facts of life the last ten years or so. Especially since I don’t trust them. And they socialize with him, apparently, choosing him over me.
They’re mostly couples and they see each other regularly. I’m alone. Divorced and feeble. And they are the only people I know at the party.
I dread this encounter to the point of wanting to stay home on my close friend’s big day.
Please, help me. Should I attend this? Or should I stay home and cry? I was close to these people but none of them has ever reached out to me this last decade to ask how I was. Instead they inquire about me from others. I feel only like food for gossip.
Get Engaged
“Success has nothing to do with perfection.”
- Michele Obama
Get Engaged!Obama knows a lot about success and really nails this one. Not only is success not correlated with perfection, but perfectionism is the enemy of success. If you strive for things to be perfect there will always be something that could be better. You are going to be perpetually disappointed in your performance and yourself and may well develop a strong inner critic. While that might urge you to continue to strive, telling yourself it (or you) is not yet good enough because it’s not yet perfect is a truly miserable way to live.
In ADHD relationships, success is often determined along a completely different axis – that of engagement. If you are engaged with each other in respectful ways, and engaged in accepting and celebrating what you do have (vs. what you don’t) you may well find a very satisfying relationship – perhaps one that really lights you up in amazing ways.
One dangerous version of seeking perfection is what I call ‘being in love with a fantasy partner’ rather than the person you are actually married to. That fantasy partner does almost everything right, is always respectful, is interested in you sexually at the same time you are, is a great parent…the list goes on and on.
Your real partner never matches up to your fantasy of your partner – and that leads to disappointment for you both.
Now that you think about it that way, are your ideas of what your partner could be interfering with your relationship success? What would it take to create an environment in which you could engage productively with each other to find relationship success?
And, if you are a person with ADHD, are you afraid to engage until you do ‘better’?
HIGHLIGHT:Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - for couples dealing with ADHD, providing ongoing assistance from professionals you can trust - at a great value for the lifetime rate of $124/month if you Join us now! Questions? Review our i2a on demand information session and Frequently Asked Questions.
Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD SEMINARS, GROUPS:NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Starts June 4th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar
Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.
FREE RESOURCES: Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters; Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD"; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists; Chore Score Worksheet; Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHDApril 21, 2025
Got Conflict? Get Curious About Your Parts
Arguing, name-calling, judging, berating, stonewalling – these behaviors don’t mark your relationship as uniquely at-risk or off-track. They mark your relationship as human and quite ordinary. However, if you want harmony and happiness, there is one extraordinary thing to do during moments of tension and discord in your relationship:
Stop defending yourself.To be clear, you are called upon to have healthy boundaries, and to limit your exposure to the behaviors of others that are hurtful. I am not advising you to “just take it,” or accommodate the unacceptable. I am suggesting that the way you defend yourself may be strengthening – rather than resolving – persistent patterns of relational conflict.
We all have defensive parts that really want to help.The parts of you that are activated during relational stress truly aspire to help you. Parts will Rage, or Criticize, or Give-It-Right-Back, or Go Silent, or Hide and Disappear. Do you see any of your parts in that list? They really do mean well. They want to protect you.
Try being curious about the wishes and hopes of your protector parts.Your protector parts hope to bring about good things for you. Make your partner finally hear you. Humble your partner so they are finally able to be curious about who you are and what you want. Teach your partner how painful it feels to be treated that way.
If you really get to know a part that defends you, that part might reveal to you its innermost wish for you. It’s likely to be something akin to this: your partner will finally realize their mistakes, genuinely apologize, open their heart and love you.
It’s a beautiful wish, right?Here’s what a client of mine learned about the wishes of her Rageful part, which often hijacked her system during conflict with her partner. She asked her Rageful part this question: In the face of your Rage, what do you hope he will do? Her Rageful part answered:
He would wipe that smug look off his face!
Hearing this, I suggested she ask the Rageful part a follow-up question: And if he wiped that smug look off his face, then what would happen?
He would stop defending himself and start listening!
We kept following this way of being curious, and went deeper. And if he started listening?
He would finally know the impact he was having on me.
And if he really got it, really understood that impact?
He’d finally be real and vulnerable, and apologize to me.
And if he was real and vulnerable, and genuinely apologized?
He would work with me to create a healthy, loving future together.
After that exchange, I asked my client whether her partner ever responded that way when she was furious towards him. No, never. Despite many efforts – determined efforts! – the Rageful part never got the response it was going for.
Protector parts fail. Repeatedly.IFS founder Dick Schwartz has called this a “law of inner physics” – protector parts most often bring about the opposite of what they truly want.
Sometimes they fail for years or decades. Instead of transforming your partner into the more agreeable and collaborative person you know they could be, your protector parts guarantee things stay about the same. Or deteriorate.
So stop defending yourself. And do what, instead?Get to know your protectors. Become truly interested in these parts, and get some skilled help to do this more efficiently and effectively. Your protector parts provide a road map to deep self discovery. As you explore them and ask questions you can get to know them with more clarity, and unblend from them. You will learn when and why they took on these jobs, and how strategies that might have worked for you in the past aren’t serving you well now. On that journey you will also meet some vulnerable parts who will be pleased to meet you and be able to better assist you.
As you develop awareness of your parts, a shift will take place inside. You will have access to more creativity, curiosity, courage, clarity and compassion. These qualities will support you to transform patterns of conflict into pathways of connection.
Curious about parts work?The support of an Internal Family Systems (IFS) practitioner or therapist can help you befriend your parts, setting the stage for the real-time practice your relationship is inviting you to do. Couples impacted by ADHD also benefit from working with someone who fully understands the pressures that ADHD and responses to ADHD can place on a relationship.
Jason Weber, M.Ed, LPCC-S, LICDC-CS is a consultant with ADHD & Marriage Consulting https://www.adhdmarriage.com/about who focuses on Internal Family Systems (IFS) work with couples and individuals. He also offers a 7-session couples support group grounded in IFS. Outside of consulting for ADHD & Marriage, he provides online therapy and IFS consultation at www.jasonwebertherapy.com
Tags: IFS Internal Family Systems defensiveness parts work connectionApril 19, 2025
I’m angry; he isn’t. This makes a change at least.
My ex and I split about a month ago. It was the culmination of long years of difficulty, loneliness and stress for me; a supportive and nurturing marriage for him. He’s successful and high earning in his field. I am stalled, burned out, part time, looking after the kids still, struggling to get a professional role. I left because he didn’t hear me when I asked for change. I left because he didn’t think what I was saying mattered. I left because I became so unhappy I was thinking of killing myself.
He now wants to have a ‘good’ relationship with me for the sake of the kids. He’s suggesting holidays together. He wants to be friends. I really don’t want anything whatsoever to do with him.
The way I see it, he the only anger he has to get over is about me leaving. I have half a lifetime of his ADHD, his thoughtlessness, selfishness and laziness to process.
I know I should rise above, and just be glad it’s over - but how do you process your anger when it’s all one side - mine! - because all along he’d been having a really nice time while I struggled?
April 18, 2025
I guess I’m not convinced…
I’ll never be able to inhabit the mind of my ADHD wife and know what it feels like to truly not be able to execute a task.
But she’ll also never be able to inhabit my mind, and to feel what it’s like to do every task anyway - no matter how much I’d rather not.
So I guess I’m not convinced - I’m not convinced there’s a clear distinction between how loathsome a task is for her that she medically can’t do it (I mean physically there is nothing that prevents her from loading the dishwasher) and how loathsome I find the same tasks that I nonetheless do.
Revenue minus expenses equals income
It's literally just math. Our expenses are higher than our revenue. Eventually we will run out of money; then we will start to go into debt; then we will get so in debt nobody will lend to us. Then what? She isn't absolutely terrible about spending but it still bothers me - like if she is at home five days a week but still buys lunch once or twice a week, while I bring my lunch to the office every single day. But she cannot for the life of keep steady employment
She lost a job a few months after we first got together (I think third termination since receiving her credential) but then got hired again fairly quickly by a school friend. Then the pandemic happened and I think she was able to hide underperformance in a WFH environment, but shortly after they started making people go in person again, she was fired from that two weeks before our wedding. Then she did literally nothing for a couple months, then did a bit of part time work. Then our son was born and she was his full time care for about 18 months. This was OK; we were breaking even in cash and she was doing the hard work of raising our son. He started to go to preschool two days a week and her parents helped us pay for that (they aren't able to manage him on their own due to age and ability so we all found it reasonable for them to help do childcare through cash) with the idea that she'd have 16-18 hr/week to dedicate to job searching. After 6 months she lined up enough of a part-time gig to break even on 5-day/week preschool... or so I though. After 3 months and several breakdowns because the person she was working for - though he happily paid her for work to which he later made edits - didn't find her work immediately perfect and made edits to it, she's decided she can't carry on. Without that income we're bleeding cash paying for preschool.
Any time I bring up either side of the equation - either income or spending - she spirals, tells me all I care about is money, tells me she doesn't see anything left in the relationship, makes insinuations of self-harm. Ultimately I end up apologizing profusely for having the audacity to point out subtraction.
I guess like many I just came here to vent... so there it is
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