Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 15
February 26, 2025
Change First
“You cannot wait for your relationship to become happy before you change your behavior. Relationships improve after behavior changes, not before.”
- Steven Stosny
Change FirstWorking with couples impacted by ADHD is different from other couples work. Among other things, it’s critical to see changed behaviors in both partners before the couple can start to reconnect. This is because if the behaviors (over-functioning and under-functioning) don’t change, injuries to each partner continue in real time.
Are you waiting for your partner to change before you engage? If so, I encourage you jump in to doing the work you need to do, instead. You will move much more quickly towards the improved relationship you seek.
EVENTS:
ADHD Effect LIVE In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN).
Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - We welcome you to join the community conversation in i2a! There are still a few spots left at our lowest-ever monthly rate of $124/ month! This week:
Melissa gave a wonderful workshop on resentment for both partners, which led to great exploration of what's underneath resentment and how to address it from both sides. An ADHD partner raised his challenges around defensiveness, then members of our community offered their solidarity and strategies to help them.Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program: ADHD Management Tools, Expert Support and Community for ADHD Impacted Relationships - Learn to create lasting change as you turn your intentions and knowledge into concrete action. You’ll get specific ADHD management tools, real-time expert support for your relationship, and a connected, like-minded online community. Click here to learn more.
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar
Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.
FREE RESOURCES:
Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;
Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2025 Melissa Orlov
How to handle adhd partner when I'm confrontation adverse?
I've become used to angry outbursts towards me from adhd partner exactly as others describe on here. Sudden. Unexpected. Pointless. I find myself in confrontation and no idea how it has occurred.
Ive also watched him kick off at other men over disagreements, things he didn't like or Road rage.
But then I watched him kick off at a woman half his age and from my POV he looked like a bully. Although I get treated like that weekly, it was horrifying to watch. He always thinks his reasons are valid and reasonable too, nothing will ever show him otherwise.
I withdrew. Truly horrified and embarrassed. I attempted to avoid him so it didn't look like I was with him. As a result he stormed off elsewhere. But I was grateful. Later, I couldn't work out what I could have done there. Should I have come to the defense of that woman? Should I try to diffuse or explain he has adhd? Should I run away? How do others handle this situation? The anxiety I feel around aggression, confrontation and raised angry voices is sky high, I tend to just get rooted to the spot. And I hate him for bringing it to me. It can happen out of nowhere. And it's been happening for 15 years. Although that's the first with a young woman I've seen.
Supporting Your Partner with ADHD: Tips and Insights
Living with ADHD can be challenging, not only for the individual affected but also for their partner. If your partner has ADHD, you might find yourself navigating emotional highs and lows, impulsivity, forgetfulness, and difficulties with focus. This thread is dedicated to sharing tips, strategies, and insights on how to best support your partner while maintaining your own well-being.
Key Discussion Points:
Understanding ADHD: Educate yourself about ADHD and its impact on your partner's behavior and emotions. Knowledge is power, and understanding their challenges can foster empathy and patience. Effective Communication: Open and honest communication is essential. Discuss how ADHD affects your relationship and work together to find solutions. Setting Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries to protect your own well-being while supporting your partner. It's important to balance support with self-care. Creating Structure: Help your partner create and maintain routines and structures that can mitigate the challenges of ADHD. Consistency can be incredibly beneficial. Professional Support: Encourage your partner to seek professional help, such as therapy or counseling. Support groups for both partners and individuals with ADHD can also provide valuable insights and camaraderie. Celebrating Strengths: Focus on your partner's strengths and achievements. ADHD can come with unique talents and perspectives that should be recognized and celebrated. Self-Care: Don't forget to take care of yourself. Supporting someone with ADHD can be demanding, so make sure to prioritize your own mental and emotional health.Let's use this space to share experiences, ask questions, and support each other in this journey. Your insights and stories can make a significant difference for others facing similar challenges.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Managing Emotions in ADHD: Anger and Frustration
Anger and frustration are common emotional experiences for individuals with ADHD. The condition affects impulse control, emotional regulation, and frustration tolerance, making it easier to become overwhelmed by strong emotions. Triggers may include difficulty with focus, forgetfulness, sensory overload, or feeling misunderstood. These emotional responses can impact relationships, work, and self-esteem. However, strategies such as mindfulness, cognitive behavioral techniques, structured routines, and professional support can help manage these emotions effectively. Understanding the link between ADHD and emotional dysregulation is key to developing healthier coping mechanisms.
February 24, 2025
The seven years of bliss
There’s one fact about my unfortunate two-decade ADD marriage that still makes it hard to accept divorce.
It’s the first seven years of relationship bliss. Before children, and before professional life had really taken hold for us. We were so happy. I felt such trust and fulfillment. I think it’s unlikely to ever find anything like it again.
I’m considering deepening a relationship to a new person now, but can’t. I feel I don’t want to betray the bond with my ex even though it’s two years since any intimacy and there’s no hope of recovery for the relationship.
I loved this ADD person.
Does anyone else share this experience?
February 23, 2025
How should ADD spouse build trust
I have not posted in some time, hoping all would improve but it has not. My husband is very angry that I no longer trust him (big surprise when he neglects to inform me of funds used to support his business, lack of communication, and lack of follow through). I have attempted to share with him how trust is built through small actions (following up on what he tells me) but it appears he is so “hurt” by my lack of trust in him that he does not even comprehend. I want to trust him again, but am at a loss of how to tell him how to do things to build that trust again (he is clueless as to what he should do). Recommendations greatly appreciated!
February 22, 2025
My husband's behavior is caused by my ADHD?
This is long. Thanks for those who stick with it.
I (40ishF) am the ADHD spouse and have been with my husband (40ishM) for over ten years. While he doesn't have ADHD, he has chronic depression and has received a BD diagnosis in the past (those his current psychiatrist didn't agree with this diagnosis). He is on meds and has been taking meds since we've been together.
Despite having ADHD, my husband's complaints have not been with household chores, taking care of kids, or any other regular responsibilities that many other non-ADHD partners cite as issues. His issue is that he doesn't think I pay attention to him enough.
Four years ago, he came to a realization that all of our relationship problems were due to my ADHD. While I didn't believe this, and still don't, I agreed to focus on this with him in attempt to make things better for us. BTW, I personally take meds and have been in individual therapy for over 10 years.
Since he has decided that ADHD is our issue, he no longer takes accountability for his behavior, which has actually become worse since he decided everything was because of ADHD. We have read books, been to two therapists (one who specializes in ADHD relationships), watched videos, listened to podcasts, etc., but nothing seems to ever get better.
Basically it feels like I can't do enough, and whenever I felt we were making progress, there was a new complaint; it felt like he constantly moved the bar. For example, I was very committed to scheduling sex/intimate time for us, which was great (this would happen twice a week). But then he said that while that was good, I should want to flirt and be spontaneous and accused me of not creating moments where that could happen because I'm on my phone or distracted by something else. I tried explaining to him that scheduling time allowed me to focus solely on him, but because it wasn't spontaneous he didn't feel wanted.
The first therapist we saw after he realized everything was my ADHD (we saw two therapists even before this) said that he was using to me to fill a void. He flipped out on me, blamed me for not defending him and our relationship, and walked home from the appointment instead of riding in the car to go home with me. He called the therapist "dangerous" and threatened to do something about it.
This most recent relationship coach we saw for two years was from a different country because he didn't think anyone in the U.S. knew enough about ADHD relationships. Towards the end of our time with this coach, the coach told my husband that he is blaming me for his behavior and told him that his communication approach towards me was emotionally dangerous and my reaction to this was not ADHD-related. Instead of listening to the feedback, my husband fought with our coach and the last few sessions became heated. Not only did my husband secretly record the last session with the coach (which honestly doesn't make him look good), he now says that this coach doesn't have enough ADHD training and he was "dangerous" and believes he "hurt us."
For the last few months, especially since this last session with the coach, I have told my husband that he needs to do something about this behavior towards me before I agree to working on our relationship. This morning, I woke up to an 18 page slide deck where he takes quotes from our correspondence from over the past 10 years (plus quotes from the transcript from the session he secretly recorded and won't share with me), and then ties these quotes with excerpts from ADHD resources, proving that his actions are because of my ADHD.
He ends the presentation with this:
This took me weeks to complete, compiling all the text , emails, and transcripts I had. I reread years of dialog to write this presentation. I provide dates of the correspondence to reference it. I found no other issue that impacts our relationship more than ADHD. Our dialog doesn’t show anything else. We have a theme, a pattern, and the majority of characteristics of ADHD couples, are the issue we have, the experiences we have, and the overwhelming majority of what is impacting us. So it is ADHD.
Though I have a lot of support from friends, family, and my therapist, it's really hard to not feel broken and equally hard to understand why my husband needs so badly for everything between us to be because of my ADHD instead of taking accountability for the things he has done (which I didn't fully capture in this post).
Non-ADHD partners, please HELP! I need perspective. In my gut I know what to do, but feel like I'm spinning much of the time. This isn't normal, right?
Thank you for reading.
February 21, 2025
I didn't sign up for this
it's been some time since I've been able to post. And to be honest, nothing has gotten better - if anything it's gotten so much worse and I need a safe space to vent/cry/relate and all the things in between.
I've been doing the work on myself big time. It's been hard and uncomfortable and there have been some big life changes as well that are very positive for ME as a person - and not as me as a wife or mom. The changes mean that I must put down the To Do list and things that are causing a lot of anxiety and I must start communicating on my needs/desires/wants. The problem is, is that this is incredibly hard for me to do (due to a mix of childhood, bad patterns and all that s*** that rears its head when a Non is in a long-term relationship with someone spicy) so when I do get the courage to ask for what I need, stand up for myself, set boundaries (and actually enforce them for myself instead of expecting someone else to adhere to them) the level of defensiveness from my spouse is off the charts. And I'm not exagerating at all. It's this continuous assault on every.thing.I.say. Every. Little. Thing.
But what I'm seeing now feels like such a clearer picture and I'm trying to do somehting really radical with myself that is incredibly out of my comfort zone - stop telling myself lies. This means, stop excusing my spouses behaviour and passing it over and start standing up for myself and my values. For example - my ADHD spouse used the home office yesterday and long story short, it was a MESS. But he said NOTHING about it, didn't acknowledge it or anything, just said his call went fine. Ok then. The next morning (today) I asked politely (after considering what time to talk to him etc bc he's just teetering on a cliff edge every day in regards t ohis emotions - he has 0 emotional regulation) if he could straighten the office before 10am as I need to get some work done. It was that bad, just things out of place, stuff on the desk - basically I could not just set up my laptop and work. For me, Id be embarrassed to leave a place that I used like that for the next person. It's a consideration (or lack of tbh). And what happened when I made this request? he went OFF about how he had an accident and for god sake it wsa only a few books (didn't even notice the books - it was more the hammer (?) on the desk along with the piles of things strewn about) and his back hurt so he couldn't clean up... etc. So I calmly asked if this meant he needed me to pick it all up and he went OFFF again. And my 11 year old son hear it all. He ain't stupid. (I have no idea what to do about that and it's so dibilitaing on how to even begin to face this dilema). And I just shut down. It's so toxic and I have no idea how to deal with it or anything. I don't know myself anymore or why I behave like this.
But I calmed myself down and to bring it around full circle, my realisation is this: I didn't sign up for this. And if I didn't sign up for this, how do I even begin to address it? I don't deserve and don't like how my spouse treats me. I hate that this is modelled for my son. But I've done the work and doing the work and know that I don't live in my values and this marriage is quite literally making me sick.
*And Before anyone says 'leave' - I have NO Idea where to go and dang it, this is my house too.
And in an effort to stop lying to myself (I get the Mark Manson emails if anyone else gets them too - that one really stung but it was someting I needed to hear) I calmed myself down after my spouse just lost it, and asked myself if I can get my work done in the place looking like it did - and I couldn't so I cleaned it up. I cleaned up after my almost-48 year old grown man. And he's not a grown man, I am married to a person who is stunted emotionally in his teens and he behaves like it every day. Every. Day. But this time, I felt a bit different because I cleaned up, not from a state of resentment, but instead I cleaned up for myself and what I knew I deserved and I looked after myself in that moment and it felt good. This is the first time in 5+ years I've had a job that is at an office so it's been amazing to get out and socialise and build a community elsewhere.
So with all that in mind - I didn't sign up for this. But I also know these truths: My husband is a stranger to me. I don't want to be in a marriage that doesn't serve me. While I do not have hope, I know that I want to look back and believe I did everything that was possible - short of doig the work of 2 people (which I can't) and if I have to walk away, I will. If my spouse decides to fight and stay in the marriage, then he's gotta step up. I also know that our next step will either need to be marriage couselling or mediation to discuss separation - there is no other options in my opinion. We suck at communicating, our relationship is 100% broken and I am not even sure I like him let alone in love with him. Things have gotten so bad they just suck all around. All the time.
With all these truths and knowing this - like, WTF is my next step? Where do I even face - let alone go - from here with this knowledge? It sits in me, it wakes me up at night.
And for what its worth - I do the 'things' - i get sleep, i exercise, I eat good food, I do need to work on resting, but otherwise, my marriage is the highest form of stress for me. And I can 'Mel Robbins' it all day and night but eve nshe agrees - you can "let them' but it doesn't take away the pain. But if this pain is this consistent and it's there every day, well now I feel I'm in the suffering category and I don't want to be in this anymore. I want to thrive, not survive.
Thoughts and I truly do welcome them from both sides. They are appreciated.
February 19, 2025
The Delicate Balance
“You can’t punish honesty and expect the truth.”
- Ari Tuckman, PhD.
The Delicate BalanceIt gives me great pleasure when I can help a couple learn to communicate better around tasks and responsibilities. By the time they seek help, most couples impacted by ADHD are in parent-child dynamics…and one of the byproducts is that the ‘parent’ figure pushes, organizes, and creates consequences while the child partner hides their true feelings, avoids conflict, and often over-promises in order to please.
Tuckman’s simple advice points to a different way. If you have ADHD, learn how to constructively speak up for yourself. “I don’t have time for to do X” is likely to be healthier for your relationship because it is transparent and honest, than agreeing to do something you fear you can’t do. Transparency, while often hard because it can trigger feelings of shame, is always the best path as it supports a foundation of trust.
Simultaneously, non-ADHD partners have an important role to play in how they respond. While you may feel disappointed that your partner says no, or feel as if you don’t know how you will get yet another thing done, encouraging honesty in the relationship creates a much stronger relationship than getting angry at the honest response. When a partner says no, a constructive response could be an open and inviting, ‘Okay. Let’s talk about other options for getting that done.’
Do you and your partner have room to improve this particular interactive pattern in your relationship?
UPCOMING EVENTS:
ADHD Effect LIVE In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN).
Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program: ADHD Management Tools, Expert Support and Community for ADHD Impacted Relationships - (JUST LAUNCHED) Learn to create lasting change as you turn your intentions and knowledge into concrete action. You’ll get specific ADHD management tools, real-time expert support for your relationship, and a connected, like-minded online community.
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar
Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
FREE RESOURCES:
Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2025 Melissa Orlov
Ongoing mild depression
Spoke to a friend who has also divorced an (hers just probably) ADHD partner after a long marriage. Like me, she feels she has little appetite for life now more than a year after divorce.
We agreed there’s exhaustion. There’s difficulty shaping life into something that makes sense. There’s a fine balance between needing to add more people and activities to life and not quite being able to handle more. There’s sadness and loss of confidence.
Does anyone have a prognosis for this mild depression that seems to have taken hold? I know what needs to be done to rebuild life, but an overwhelming tiredness stands in the way.
It feels like a disease more than anything else. How long might it last?
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