Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 16

Having to Prove Yourself - The "Glitch" in the ADHD System

Forum: other

"Question 10 in the #beyourselfatwork survey asks:
How much do you feel you need to prove your competence at work?

What makes this question important in creating a trusting environment?  Most of us feel that we need to prove something about our competence, and we find that this is generally driven from an underlying feeling of being judged for inadequacy in some way.
We see a huge difference in people who don’t feel that they need to prove competence, vs those who do.  If you don’t push to prove, you let go, trust yourself more, ask others for help and become more human vs. robotic.  You also shake off any ‘prove it’ strategies used to check for competence in others,  thus opening up the working environment for creativity and open discussion.

So, proving competence, or improving confidence, which do you work on?  The latter!"

I read this, and I immediately saw something here, that doesn't apply to people with ADHD. It continues to say....

"Jack Nasher, from Stanford University shares in a Forbes article, “one of the keys to displaying your expertise is a high level of confidence…confidence regarding your skills…underpin this with your successes, whether from past achievements or from experiences… Due to a mechanism known as the ‘confirmation bias’, others will believe in you and will confirm their assumptions – unconsciously. You should therefore avoid modesty regarding your core competencies, as people tend to confirm low expectations as well and would then search for weaknesses and shortcomings."

There's a glaring issue in this last paragraph. Having to do with "avoiding modesty" and working on "confidence" first, when it pertains to poeple with ADHD.

I can tell you, without question, that being overly confident is not only problematic, it can be catastrophic for people with ADHD. Competency, is exactly what you should be working on ( first ) then confidence.

I'm currently working with a woman with ADHD....and this is her biggest downfall. She has plenty of self confidence, in fact, way too much!  Her inability to deliver on that confidence, is exactly where the problems exist. Her need to prove herself, overrides common sense because of her false belief in her own abilities, so when it comes time to ...."walk the walk", she can't. But, she sure can the "talk the talk", and convince people she can. She has no shortage of self confidence in other words.

I believe, this is a fundamental, core issue, with people who have ADHD at times. So much so, I have a story to illustrate this that I still tell, because I thinks it so ridiculously funny, and sad at the same time. I don't even know if this fellow has ADHD or not, but something tells me, he'd be a candidate none the less.

There's a competition that is held, worldwide, called "Geo-Mapping" or Geo-Marker competition, where contestants are taken to remote areas and challenged to find Geological Survey Markers in a designated area. These are round metal discs, used in map making and Geological survey and placed in strategic areas all around the world. 

The goal of this competition, is to locate as many markers in a given time frame, but the furthest ones away from your starting position...get the most points. And there are bonus points ( markers ) that you can add to the required ones, everyone has to find. These are usually well off the beaten path and anyone who stands a chance of winning,  has to find these markers as well to be competitive. These markers are usually miles away from each other, and the terrain and distances from each other involve a great deal or outdoor survival knowledge, endurance, hiking or running strength and cartography experience. It's extremely physically demanding as there are no trails or signs to guide you in your quest to find these markers.

The gentleman in question, had studied cartography and mapping for over a year to enter his first competition. He had all the right gear and professional equipment except one thing. He had no outdoor survival training and no physical training other than walking around his neighborhood and a few nature trails.

And, he'd decided, in his infinite wisdom , to prove himself by becoming a contender for first place alongside the professionals who do this for money....on his first attempt ever. Which meant, in his mind, going for the furthest bonus marker first....by reason, it had the most points which could possibly, make him win it all. He had no shortage of confidence! 

I'll give you the shortened version, to show you just how bad this decision can get. This will pretty much speak for itself. I know this person's step father, so I got this story directly from him.

 His step father had received a call from the Sheriff's office in a remote desert location in Oregon, telling him his son had not returned to the starting point, and had been missing for hours. 

The step father and mother had to drive 5 hours across the state to the sight the competition was being held. When they arrived, there were volunteers brought in from all over the state with rescue experience. ( hundreds ) And a massive rescue operation was underway. They were just calling in helicopters when they arrived. The search had already been underway so they alteady checked all the geo marker spots on thmap to no avail.. ...except the furthest one. The one our man decided to go to first.

  They assumed, as a first timer, he would never go to that location. They assumed this because, not even the most experienced professional competitors went to this spot on that day, because it was so far, the terrain so rugged, and the temperatures were over 100° that day. Surely, he would never go there they thought?

Well, he went there...or, started to. But by mid-day, he was already running out of water. He completely miscalculated how much to bring, his exertion level, the 100° temperatures and the elevation gain which was 1000 ft. Not only that, he only had a few energy bars for food and now he was in big trouble.  He realized, the day was only half over and he was already exhausted and he only had enough water to go for an hour or so.  So, he decided to head to the river ( large river ) miles off course and outside the boundary lines. According to his step dad, he said he thought he was going to die.

By the the time he got to the river, he was completely out of water. The only problem was, there was a 1000ft cliff he had to scale down to get to the river. It took him the rest of the afternoon to find a way down, but by that time, the sun was starting to go down, and it would be dark in a very short time. He had no overnight equipment or camping supplies, no survival gear or means to build a shelter...and the temperature were now dropping ( in the dessert ) getting close to freezing. He had no other clothes, other than the shorts and tank top he was wearing. He was really in a bind, with few options.  And he was miles off course, which meant the searchers would never find him.

So he started walking along the river,  because he knew it would eventually lead him back to the starting point of the competition. The sun was already down, but he figured he had very little choice.

Then suddenly, he heard voices, and he started running towards them. He came around the bend, and there was an entire river rafting tour group, all set up on the shore. Apparently, he ran to them and collapsed and told them he was lost. Not only did they help him, they had a deluxe glamping set up with them, complete with Barbeques, steaks, corn on the cob, beer,all kinds of other food, a guy playing guitar...they were completely set. They had extra room in a tent with sleeping bags...the whole works. Apparently, this was the last night for the rafters on the river and they threw a big party for them. He joined right in and had a terrific time including drinking a little too much right along with their hosts. From the sound of it, it worked out quite well, better than he hoped or could ever imagine.

In the meantime....helicopters were flying around the area. They brought in another so there were two joining the search. There were hundreds of volunteers brought in from the local town, and the search continued all night because they knew, with the temperatures outside, his chances of survival were getting less and less as the night wore on. His parents were besides themselves.

In the morning, they were just getting ready to call off the search, when here came the rafting party, with our friend in the lead raft. Apparently, he was waving and in great spirits.

The search costs something like $20,000 and that didn't include the helicopters. I think the total was up to $35,000 last time I heard. And, they sent him the bill for the entire fiasco. 

So when I'm reading that you need  confidence ( first ) at work or in bussiness....and competence ( second ) I think of this story, and my co-worker with ADHD.....and go mmmmm. 

Not so much. A little less confidence and a whole lot more competence will get you a lot further having ADHD.

 

Mean Bones

Forum: Communication with ADHD

Even though, I'm not feeling exceptionally generous at the moment, I wanted to share something that I just noticed the other day. I hope, I can convey this in a way that will actually make sense. It actually does make sense to me, but I know, not e everyone thinks like me.

The other day, my SO was getting ready to leave for work, and in a passing comment said "I'm feeling mean". I immediately made a comment back saying " well, I couldn't tell? ". That's not sarcasm, she was being quite agreeable and showed no signs of being "mean". I complimented in fact, for being so nice considering how she felt.

This is where I may lose people but this is just how my mind works.

How can a person feel "mean" ?  Seriously. "Mean" is not an adjective that describes a feeling? Maybe in Blues Song...."I woke up this morning, feeling mean...". "Mean Woman Blues..." etc.

Even if you try to Google "describe mean as a feeling". You get no real answer.

There is an expression that says "he doesn't have a mean bone in his body " ....which relates mean to your body, which is where feelings come from.

But can a "bone" be "mean" ? No, thats ridiculous bones are not mean.

But, people can be mean. As in, "mean spirited".

If you look up mean behavior, you get:

Saying or doing hurtful things

Lacking empathy for others

Being stingy or ungenerous

Being petty or malicious

Being offensive, selfish and unaccommodating

Wanting to do harm to others

Where I'm going with this has to do with people who have ADHD and how they get in the morning. I believe, this is what was happening with my SO....as I've read testimonials of people with ADHD describing what they feel like first thing in the morning.

You might even say, in context to that expression,  she has mean bones in the morning....which also makes absolutely no sense what so ever. 

Why this is interesting to me is what I just read about this. About 80% of people with ADHD are like this in the morning.  That leaves 20% who are not. Of those 20%....a common feeling in the morning is saddness...which I fall right in line with.

I never feel mean, or angry in the morning....which is why this is so interesting.  Saddness yes. Mean no.

And to be fair, I recognize the effort my SO was making.  Despite feeling "mean"...she wasn't acting that way. She wasn't doing anything on that list if behaviors....despite feeling mean...even though in the past...she has behaved that way at times.

I see that as effort of her part...in trying to get along. Also, in awareness....for actually saying what she was feeling even if it doesn't actually fit to a feeling at all. The bottom line was....I couldn't tell.

 

 

 

Vacuum Emergency

Forum: Communication with ADHD

First, I want to say, I'm rather proud of myself for handling a "situation", as well as I did.   I thought this was worth sharing, because it seemingly, made no sense what so ever. Even now, it doesn't make any sense but at least, I understand.

What I understand is this. My SO, could not communicate something important to her in terms of a sensory issue she was having. It was a priority to the point, she was experiencing panic over it. I came in, at the ramping up of this panic while I was still at work yesterday....

An extremely busy day, 10 hours of work, no breaks or lunch aside from stuffing our faces with food for 20 minutes and jumping right back to work.

It started out when I was at work with a text saying the vacuum cleaner broke that read:

"Oh BTW, I think I did fuck up the vacuum the other day. I'm going to need your assistance to get the front roller rolling again."

I just heard about this yesterday for the first time in the middle of the afternoon.

Two hours later, I get :

"Yep... Now I know why it wasn't moving very well or picking up debris."

It has two rollers...one is specifically designed to pick up on hard wood floors. That one has broken before because the belt had broken and  I replaced it which meant ordering a new belt. ( two weeks to receive ).

A little while later, I get another text, right before I left work saying:

"Are you able to fix it tonight?"

The answer of course was no. I didn't have a belt. I was also exhausted, from a long week of work that ended with an especially long hard day yesterday.  I told her this when I call her a few minutes later.  She was sure I had ordered two belts but that wasn't correct. She was insistent that I check to make sure. The answer was no.

I told her, the last thing I wanted to do was fix a vacuum right when I got home late from work especially that I was so tired.

How about first thing tomorrow morning.? She asked.

I said no, I wanted to get up, take my time, and rest a bit on my day off. I told her it's a horrible job that takes 11/2 hours and I'm wasn't going to get to it the second I got out of bed.

This morning....I did exactly what I said I was going to do. I got my coffee and got on the couch to relax. 

She remembered a back up vacuum she had, and immediately started vacuuming.  She started vacuuming around me ( on the couch ) and then said this at 11:30am ( 30 minutes before "afternoon ".

"Are you going to do anything today, or just do nothing?"

I said, "I am doing something.  I'm laying on the couch relaxing as I said I would"

She continued vacuuming, but looked upset that I wasn't going to look at the vacuum right then. She made another mention about the vacuum earlier...making sure I didn't forget. 

I finally decided to stop relaxing, and go do something, I didn't want to do, at a time, I didn't want to do it, and say "yes" ...going directly against the "no's" I had already said.

In other words...."no" was not an acceptable answer no matter how tired I was, and no matter how many times I said it.

And then, as I was doing the thing she wanted ( that I was definitely not happy about ) she said, " you seem unhappy with me? ". 

Which my answer was." This is a horrible job ( second time ), and Im not looking forward to doing it." 

She said" I thought you like doing things like this? ? 

 My answer ( third time ) " I absolutely hate doing this. In fact, I hate it so much, I'd rather buy a new vacuum instead of tearing it apart right now,  especially  when I'm so tired, which is exactly what I said I didn't want to be doing first thing on my day off"

"Well, you said you'd do it this morning, and it's almost noon".

This escalated until she was yelling at me, getting extremely agitated  and gaslighting me trying to say that "I'm always tired, and I never want to do things like this". Which simply isn't true.  I just didn't want to do it "right then"...but she wouldn'  take no for answer.

I remained calm and went to get my coat and keys. After yelling at me, telling me to shut up, threatening me that she has to get away from me because I was ( somehow? ) doing something she didn't like. All I did was keep repeating : "I don't understand? "

And she couldn't explain it to me? So I said" you're yelling at me, and gaslighting me...and I don't want to be around you when you do that...so, I'll leave, and come back after you're gone ".

A few minutes later before I left, I asked " what's this emergency or priority you have with getting this vacuum fixed? Why is it so important for me to fix it right this minute when you just vacuumed the floor? I don't understand? "

She then explained ( only then ) ...that the vacuum had not been working at full capacity to pick up ( all ) the dirt off the hard wood floors ( even if it was still working for the carpet ) ....and she could feel the dirt on her bare feet ( which was causing an extreme sensory reaction ).

And the fact, that her inability to remove it all...as needed....on demand....because that ability had been disabled and the other vacuum was heavy and hurt her shoulder ) that now, she was panicking because she didn't know when she'd have the vacuum again? It was a full blown vacuum emergency!

And one of the tings she accused me of in the middle of her crisis...was not helping her around the house....even though, I've begged her to let me know, how I can help?

This problem exists, not because I won't help. It's not because I refuse to fix the vacuum, or anything else she might accuse me of.

This problem exists...because she's so controlling, that she won't allow me to help. She can't allow me to vaccuum...because it's not about being clean. It's about her having an absolute intolerance to feeling anything on her feet. It causes her so much distress, that she needs to vacuum to such an infinite degree, that only she knows what's good enough, by how it feels on her feet.

And this panic attack, started yesterday afternoon while I was at work....When she suddenly realized she wasn't able to pick up the dirt off the hardwood floor, because the other vacuum was too heavy, which hurt her shoulder...and she started to panic, because she needed the lighter vacuum...but the belt keeps breaking. Most likely, because she's so demanding of this cheap home vaccuum...and probably needs an industrial one. But that won't work because they're too heavy, and that hurts her shoulder. 

Which means, every time the belt breaks, I've got to tear this whole thing down ( because I'm good in this way ) and replace a belt, that normally is done by a service technician, but because I have lots of skills in repairing things, I can do it and save us money.  But it's a thankless, pain in the butt job, and at no time, do I actually enjoy it.

But especially, I don't enjoy it, the second I wake up, from working all week, fixing people's shit....to get up, and jump right back into fixing another thing, that I hate doing....without getting a break or rest...from fixing peoples shit...to fix...yet another thing I hate doing......

Because it's a vacuum emergency, and has to done right then, because my SO can't stand dirt on her feet....

So instead of just saying so....she tries to manipulate me into doing something against my will....after I've told her no ( multiple times )....and then starts yelling at me, gaslighting me, and trying to accuse me of being lazy ( not doing anything )....when I was actually doing something...which was exactly what I said I was going to do.

Which was....lay on the couch and do nothing but rest.  Because I worked all week, and especially hard the day before, and needed a break from fixing stuff. Which is what I do all week, which is why I was tired.

And for that. I get yelled at. Which makes absolutely no sense what so ever. 

And yet, I do understand. 

Which is why I'm so proud of myself, for handling it the way I did. And I didn't have to leave after all...because the truth finally came out. 

Considering I have CPTSD, and getting yelled at triggers me, and makes me have panic attacks....I think I did pretty well, all things considered. Because I understand.

Knowledge is power, as they say.

 

Hoping for an open discussion on intimacy

Forum: Progress You are Making and Hope

I'm a wife, going on two years now. Before and after marriage we've had some difficulty with staying focused and attentive during...sometimes intimate moments. Which admittedly lead to feelings of disconnect and sometimes frustration. Thankfully after a LOT of work, we managed to maintain a comfortable and open space to talk about such things. Though it took plenty of trial and effort. 

That included setting aside specific times for intimacy, incorporating different forms of stimulation (including toys, one of which was this which I love so far) or finding alternative ways to express affection and our bond. 

It's had its ups and downs, like when a change in medication seemed to boost my sex drive (which my partner at first appreciated) but then lead to other issues popping up due to the increased frequency. Yet it there are periods where I realize that it is in fact getting easier. I'm proud of that outside of the obvious things regarding the bedroom.

I just wanted to share, and wanted to see experiences from others. 

At a loss for words

Forum: Communication with ADHD

I have a dilemma. I last saw my boyfriend almost a month ago. Last time we were with each other for the weekend. We went to dinner and did fun couples activities the entire weekend. Our weekend went well and we had a lot of fun. We made plans to see again in about two days. I get a text a few days later saying that he is going to self-isolate for some time because he isn't feeling well. His physician is out of town and can't refill his prescription, so he went to a new physician who prescribed something entirely different. He said the new medication is making him very emotional and he is having outbursts that he is going to self-isolate and focus on his classes for his master's program. He said he only needed a few days, so I gave him that.

 

Last time I checked in with him he was over at his parent's house because he thought being around family might help him feel better. Last time I called him he said he would call me back later. 

 

It has now been 3 weeks and I haven't heard from him since. It's unusual of him. We usually communicate or talk every other day or every few days. We are both in our late twenties and have been dating for 5 months. I don't have his family members numbers and he doesn't have my family members numbers. We have video-chatted with each other's families, but we haven't met each other's families as of yet. 

I have called him about once every day and texted him, but no response at all. He seemed to be in a terrible emotional state ( hopeless and sad) the last time we spoke. I've contacted him on social media, but I haven't gotten a response. I'm wondering if he checked himself into a ward or what happened etc. My heart is breaking because I don't know what happened and I'm hoping he is ok. 

How long can someone self-isolate? I'm trying not to think the worst. If he wanted to break up he would tell me, he wouldn't just leave without a trace.

 

how do you manage memory issues in the relationship?

Forum: Communication with ADHD

Hello all! I am new to this site and the non-ADHD partner in my relationship. My (recently diagnosed) ADHD partner has a difficult time remembering things I tell him, I think because he is either distracted and not paying attention, or because he is listening on a superficial level and not really making meaning of what I am saying. He often doesn't ask questions even when he isn't fully tracking or would need more details/context to have a perspective. This could be about logistical stuff, but it causes the most problems when I want to share personal stories from my life. I find it hurtful when it feels like he doesn't know me well or try to know me well, and he feels bad about it but seems to feel it is impossible to behave any differently. He has often been avoidant when it comes to talking about my life because he is afraid he will fail and it will lead to conflict. Obviously this causes distance between us and is miserable. I know he wants it to be better and we need ideas!

I'm curious if anyone else experiences this, and if so, do you have a system or process you use to improve memory and/or deal with memory issues as they crop up? Thank you so much for reading!

On their terms

Forum: Negotiation and Setting Boundaries

I have cried this weekend about what I perceive is ADHD-tinged relatives doing everything on their terms only.

Then again, I may be steeped into codependency and therefore have an odd sense of how people interact. I’m trying to understand the panic I feel in the face of non-negotiation.

As a parent of three and wife in a two-decade unfortunate ADD marriage, I’ve been putting in a lot of energy and tried to find what’s best for everybody in everyday  decisions. If I do something with somebody, I adjust to that person. I expect adjustment to be mutual.

My relatives, however, all live alone and do everything on their individual terms. They have clear boundaries and no wish to compromise. They only seem to think of people as independent individuals.

Practically this means not sharing needs or expectations explicitly beforehand when doing things together, not making plans including a set time, not sticking with plans or time if I invite them to something, not synchronizing activities, transport or meals, not waiting for others, not considering or asking what others would prefer. I think my relatives like the undefined, allowing them to do what they please when they please, feeling it’s the natural organic way of doing things. It might well be for single people with a lot of time and freedom. It’s not for me. I need control of my time and energy to manage life.

These days I’m experiencing burnout symptoms and have to be careful. Was reminded this weekend that relatives aren’t prepared to adjust to me. When I’d already lent myself to an arrangement not well defined in advance and which turned out not to work for me, they just informed me their preferences didn’t align with mine. That was that. I was stuck far from home in the countryside late at night and didn’t have my own car. It was all on their initiative and apparently on their terms, but they hadn’t told me any of those terms, so how should I have known?

Do I always have to insist on a clear-cut agreed plan in advance with these relatives, rather than expect them to adjust to me? But they explicitly refuse all clear-cut plans, and the request clearly annoys them.

I feel shattered today. These kind well intended people just show me by their minute actions that there is no room for my needs. They don’t understand why I’m upset and I guess they just think I’m high maintenance. Which feels sort of unfair since I’m the one who does massive maintenance work all the time. 

Talking to them about this has led to nothing. I tell them their actions make me feel I matter less than everybody else. They don’t reply to this at all. They just ignore me. 

Very possibly it now takes little to make me upset, since there have been countless situations like this. I now feel difficult and irrational, but at the same time know that is not the whole truth.

Does anybody have advice for me? I’m losing it today…

 

ADHD partner pushing me away

Forum: Support for the ADHD Partner

My partner was diagnosed with ADHD in her forties a couple of years ago, she has struggled with this and we split up for some time after her diagnosis due to her headspace and feeling she couldn’t give the time or effort to a relationship. We got back together a year ago and she is now questioning our relationship but acknowledges she doesn’t know why. She loves me but can’t articulate her feelings. She recognizes it’s related to ADHD, but I’m unsure how to support her or help her communicate.

She keeps pushing me away further and disengaging from the relationship over the last month or two. We don’t live together and aren’t soending time together currently, not through a lack of trying on my part but she keeps me at arms length and doesn’t engage. There’s no real help or advice for this online so hoping to hear others experiences/advice.

Understanding ADHD and Shame

Start here

For many people, one of the most painful parts of having ADHD is shame. It’s hard to avoid that feeling when you’ve just thrown away expired food that you forgot you had in the refrigerator, missed another important deadline or had yet another argument with your partner because they felt ignored while you were hyper-focused on something. 

Shame can quickly become a constant but mostly unacknowledged voice in the background of your relationship. But understanding and addressing that shame can create profound healing and a deeper connection for you both. Let’s look at how ADHD and shame intertwine and how self-compassion and vulnerability can disrupt this cycle.

The ADHD-Shame Connection

Shame usually starts in childhood, with kids with ADHD facing constant criticism for interrupting, leaving their seat, acting impulsively, or falling behind with chores or schoolwork. Children with ADHD often get told repeatedly by their parents, teachers, peers or others that they are “lazy,” “careless,” or “not trying hard enough,”. Over time, children internalize repeated criticism, and it becomes a part of how they see themselves. What started off as “you didn’t meet that expectation” becomes internalized as, “I am not a good enough person.”

Shame researcher and vulnerability expert Brené Brown describes shame as the intensely painful feeling of believing we are unworthy of love and belonging. For those with ADHD, this belief is often reinforced by repeated failures, criticism from others, and the frustration of feeling like they “should” be able to do better. 

ADHD symptoms themselves further complicate the picture. Difficulty regulating emotion makes it much harder to process shame effectively, leading to cycles of self-criticism and overwhelm. This isn’t a moral failing; it’s a brain-based challenge. But understanding this distinction can be a game-changer. 

The Role of Attachment

Attachment theory explains how our early life experiences shape our responses to shame. Secure attachment develops when caregivers are consistently responsive, supportive, and attuned to a child’s needs. This foundation helps children learn to trust others, regulate their emotions, and repair feelings of shame. In contrast, insecure attachment develops when caregivers are inconsistent, neglectful, or overly critical. This can lead to fears of rejection, difficulty trusting others, or struggles with self-worth.

For people with ADHD, negative feedback from caregivers, teachers, or peers can disrupt the formation of secure attachment. In subsequent adult relationships, shame often shows up as anger, defensiveness, or a tendency to be avoidant or shut down. When shame tells that us that we are unworthy, it is often an isolating experience that can sabotage our connection to our partner in relationships.

Children with secure attachment learn to repair feelings of shame with the help of responsive caregivers. In contrast, those with insecure attachment may never learn to do so, instead developing a deep-seated fear of being criticized or rejected that persists into adulthood.

A Solution: Vulnerability and Connection

One of the most effective antidotes to shame is vulnerability. Brené Brown’s research underscores the power of sharing our struggles with trusted others. Vulnerability allows us to weaken shame’s grip, because when we turn to somebody who loves us and let them know about the shame we are feeling, it is almost always met with empathy and understanding. 

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), secure attachment between partners is created by accessing vulnerability and sharing it with our partner. In this securely attached space, couples can heal their emotional wounds and create deeper connection to each other. 

For couples navigating ADHD-related challenges, creating an environment where both partners can express vulnerable thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment is transformative. For example, an ADHD partner might say, “I feel like I’m always letting you down,” while the other responds with “Thank you for telling me. I get how awful that must feel.” These moments rebuild trust and connection.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) work is another powerful way to address shame.  In it, people learn about the parts of them that may feel shamed, the protective strategies they might use in the face of those feelings, and how to better respond to them.

The Healing Power of Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion offers another powerful tool for addressing shame. Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a close friend. It includes three key components:

Self-kindness: Replacing self-criticism with gentle understanding. Common humanity: Recognizing that imperfection is a shared human experience. Mindfulness: Observing our thoughts and emotions without judgment.

For those with ADHD, self-compassion is a great way of preventing a shame spiral. Instead of berating themselves for forgetting an appointment or missing a deadline, they can reframe the experience: “This is tough, but I’m doing my best.” Over time, this shift in perspective builds resilience and reduces the effects of shame.

Breaking the Shame Cycle

Breaking the shame cycle takes time, but these strategies can help:

Normalize ADHD: Understanding ADHD as a neurodevelopmental difference, not a character flaw, is essential. Education helps to dismantle shame and promote self-acceptance. Reframe failures: Mistakes are opportunities for learning, not proof of inadequacy. Celebrate small wins and focus on progress over perfection. Build a support system: Seek out therapists, coaches, or support groups that specialize in ADHD. Connection reduces isolation and reminds individuals they are not alone. Practice mindfulness: Developing awareness of one’s thoughts and feelings can help break automatic shame responses. How Non-ADHD Partners Can Be Supportive

For non-ADHD partners, understanding shame’s role is crucial. Educating themselves about ADHD is crucial to increasing empathy and reducing blame. When disagreements arise, adopting a non-critical communication style can help the ADHD partner feel safe enough to address shame and underlying emotions.

For example, instead of saying, “You’re so irresponsible for forgetting this again,” or, “I’m so frustrated this isn’t getting any better” a partner might say, “I see how difficult this is for you, and how hard you are trying. Let’s figure out a system that works better for both of us.” This approach shifts the focus from blaming and shaming to support and collaboration.

Changing non-ADHD partner critiques to constructive dialogue is an important part of creating a safer environment for ADHD partners.

Reclaim your Self Worth

Living with ADHD can be challenging, but shame doesn’t have to be a lifelong companion. By practicing vulnerability and self-compassion, you can reject shame’s hold over your self-image and reclaim your sense of who you truly are. Healing begins with the courage to confront shame and embrace the fact that you are worthy of love and belonging, exactly as you are.

Jen Siladi is a licensed psychotherapist and a consultant with ADHD & Marriage Consulting who specializes in helping individuals and couples navigate the challenges of ADHD. When not working with ADHDmarriage.com, Jen works with individual adults and couples in her private therapy practice in San Diego, California. 

Tags:  shame ADHD critiques EFT IFS

Red Pill - Blue Pill.... Perceptual Differences

Forum: Progress You are Making and Hope

A recent conversation with my SO has got me thinking. We didn't see eye to eye on something that got me wondering why?

This has more to do with me than her but it's still curious to me. What seems so obvious to me is not obvious to others many times which I think, has to do with perceptions. And many times, these perceptions are what causes me to feel isolated and alone at times...and disconnected to other people. I get frustrated when I'm talking to my SO often times because I simply don't agree with her take...on the matter. I realize it's just perceptions but why does it cause situations like this?  What I'm trying to say is....this happens all the time. Not just with her but many people. It's frustrating at best but I still feel like odd man out.

The conversation dealt with an ideological difference that I have with my employer but, my employer likes to "push" her ideology at work sometimes. She has strong opinions about it, to the point, she's declared the "other side" evil.  I left the room stating that I don't belong to political parties and see common good on both sides. That's when she said: "well, the (          ) are evil.

I didn't take the bait, or even entertain this notion. I didn't start this line of thought or even want to talk about politics in the first place. I graciously bowed out and did not take a stand.

This really upset my SO on a number of levels. Her "us and them" is strong in that sense but we both share the same basic ideology.  The only difference in what we believe is simply tied to the fact that she's "declared her position" by joining the opposition party to my employer. I...on the other hand...am not "declared". 

Poeple use the term "undecided " sometimes which is simply not true. I have   decided not to "declare" a side and remain independent. But my idioligy is basically exactky the same as my SO's with very few differences on how we feel about this subject. 

But at the end of our conversation, she turned it back to me and said "why don't  you grow some balls and say something?? You should say something ! "

This theme of "you need to do something....and, if you don't, it shows you have no balls" has reared its head before with my ex-wife as I think back.  

To clarify...."have no balls" means....you're a coward....or....you have no courage.

And not to get hung up on this part ( because I'm not ) but I find this really interesting.  Where does this perception come from, because it's not based on reality? In real terms, reality is what we're talking about here, which is where this gets even more confusing?

If I had engaged with my employer ( grown balls ) and took the bait to get embroiled in a idiologic discussion about a whether one side is evil or not ( us and them ) I'd probably lose my job or at best, be treated poorly for taking a stand in opposition to my employer. Big picture....my job is more important than taking a stand against someone who pays my paycheck. In my mind, this has nothing to do with courage and everything to do with being smart? I'm not even offended...it just seems so obvious?? I'm not worried about my courage level or being brave when the time comes. I've walked the walk when I have to....I have no problems there.

My ex wife did the same one time. We were walking down the street and some street person ran by us and reached his hand out and waved it in front on my ex wife and scared her. She looked at me with that "well??? Do something" look. And with a kind of disgusted look or shunning me...she made some comment under her breath but I knew what she wanted. I think I even said." What do you want me to do? Go run down a homeless street person and punch him for waving his hand in front you? "

Reality check. Something like 70% of these street people in urban areas are : drug addicts and have schizophrenia, and, at the very least....carry a weapon of some kind. Usually a knife at bare minimum. Not only that, we were walking to a music show in an area that is known for high drug trafficking. 

So this notion of "not having the balls" or lacking courage because I don't run down a crazy person who's probably on drugs, probably mentally unstable, and probably carrying a knife ( or gun ) is insane and possibly life threatening? 

Over what?

Same as my SO with joining in a political debate with my employer over whether one side is evil or not? Give me a break! Not only would that be foolish...the consequences for me might mean losing my job?

Over what?

In fact, on this very forum, I think I've used the phrase "more balls than brains" to describe myself more than once when I was younger which is absolutely true. I'm not trying to convince anyone....I'm making a point.

Where does this perception come from...when it clearly defies what is true in reality? I realize..."reality is relative"...but how can it be so far off ?

In fact, my own sister, the eldest, has an opinion of me that does not match reality either? To the point, she's acted on this perception of me ( as if it's true ) which has actually caused undo harm to my life in many ways. This cause an effect chain of events has hurt me tremendously...in countless ways based on a distorted perception of me ...that's not based on any facts or hard evidence to support her position? Unfortunately, much of that ( in fact ) most of that info has come from my own mother...which is the source of much of that bad information. 

Finally, I watched a program last night on the fall and decline of the United States economy narrated by a college professor who teaches economics. His delivery was polished from experience and his talk was fact based. Even even said "hey, don't shoot the messenger here...I'm only providing facts."  It was troubling to say the least.

But in his talk, he mentioned how, the entire US is in denial. He sighted all the historical "collapses " of economic power house empires one after one and how ...were in this exact same pattern now. 

Not only that, but it's already happened so to speak. He showed how the US...is already no longer the most powerful nation in the world due to "BRICS"....an acronym for the trade collaboration of : Brazil, Russia, India, Indonesia, China, and South Africa, Saudi Arabia, and the United Arab Emmerants. 

As he pointed out...that's 35% of the entire world's population while the US only accounts for 4.5%.

And this has already happened! "What we were....is not what we are now "he said. We ( the US )  are no longer the world's economic power as we speak.

Further, he said, no matter what the current president does will have little to no effect on this. Same as the last one. It's already happening and there's no stopping it...is the point he's trying to make.

So in essence, "doing something" in an effort to try and apiece an entire nation of people....to make it appear that we're all going to go back to what it once was....is basically a lie or at least....untrue. It's a distorted perception of what "once was" in order to try and convince an entire nation that we're somehow going to "go back". I'm jumping up and down screaming "there is no going back!!!" as I'm writing this....because it's already to late for that since it's already happened that we're not.

The professor also point out...that we've basically lost the last 4 wars we've (the US ) has been in, but, that's not what the perception of all his students believe. 

This may seem like a rant or unrelated to anything to do with couples. But that's not how I see it? I see this as the exact same thing....exactly!!

Bad information, denial, refusing to change, and refusing to look at what's uncomfortable even if it's true. 

And....refusing to change one's perspective and what you believe  to something different,  even if it would benefit you to do so?

 What is not the same here?  It's not "kind of like" or similar....it's exactly the same?!

And as far as this "grow some balls" attitude. How does courage or being brave, have anything to do with keeping my job or not getting killed by a schizophrenic, drug addict with a deadly weapon?

In my mind, a different  body part is needed instead...if you're going to survive. 

This "us and them"mentality will get you no where IMHO. It's not just a couples problem. In the big picture, it's a world problem.

I get frustrated when no one else can see this. It makes me feel alone.