Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 18

Over Explaining

Forum: Communication with ADHD

First, I want to explain ( lol ) that there's a   difference between : over sharing, verbal processing ( repeating stories that are complaint in nature ie: venting ) and over explaining ...which is what I do constantly.

Over sharing is saying too much. TMI. Giving out too much personal information to strangers, telling your life story etc. I've done this too....but it's not my issue. I generally don't tell strangers anything about myself and share very little. Unlike, a person who, assumes, once they have you as a captive audience....they corner you with a presumptive attitude...as if, you actually want to hear what they are saying...and usually...it's of a highly personal nature. TMI

Verbal processing is when, something gets stuck in your mental  processing ( usually ...unprocessed negative emotions ) and gets retold over and over in a loop...regardless if it's been heard before. ( to you or anyone else )...repeatedly, over and over.    It appears to be from a high need to get rid of this unresolved negative emotion , by using someone else as a sounding board , and to just nod and just say "uh huh" and hear it again. To be heard.

Over explaining ( giving people too many details ) comes from a need to be understood. Not necessarily emotionally, just understood in general. This is like....if I throw enough examples and references in...they're bound to understand. Just throw more words at them, and eventually they'll understand?

Today at the doctor's office...the Dr summed this up concisely when I told him about having panic attacks, why I have them...and why it's important to know...so I can simply tell my SO what's she's seeing because, what she thinks she's seeing...is not what she thinks it is.   

And he said: "yes, because if a person doesn't have panic attacks they can't relate to someone who does because they've never had one."

I thought to myself.... Wow, that really explains alot.

More Connections and a Doctor Visit

Forum: Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD

Today, I had a follow up visit to the Dr about my ADHD meds and how the chang over is working: Adderal / Wellvutrin to Vyvanse / Zoloft.

 As far as this switch, it seems to have gone pretty smoothly. I'm not experiencing the depression that I was with no apparent adverse side effects to speak of. 

 But I'm also experiencing a few new changes on the negative side.

I quickly updated him on my new diagnosis of CPTSD...and also mentioned anger ( again ) and panick attacks. I realize now, all my major episode of anger with my SO...involved both panic attacks with anger but....I think now, the panic attacks are now,  predominantly the issue ...less, the anger.

 I gave him a brief history of what I've learned and connected this all together. He did ask what caused the PTSD and I was able to tell him rather quickly.   It was the anger ( or so I thought ) that I initially came in for, in the first place.

He seems to be somewhat familiar with ADHD because he also works with a lot of kids. He confirmed that the anger is a component of ADHD...but not necessarily CPTSD or hypersensitivity ( HSP ) as a combo. Sometimes yes, but not usually ( or most often ). That was also interesting to learn.

Anyway, I talked to him about my panic attacks and how they've increased more recently...especially with any confrontations with my partner.  

When he checked my blood pressure, it was through the roof. They checked it 4 times to be sure, but it hit 169 on the high end...and remained in the 160s every time. This was without taking my meds before hand.

He prescribed my Ativan for my panic attacks and said it should help bring things down...as needed.

The thing is, I've never had hypertension in my life. And I only have panic attacks when I'm triggered by contempt. In particular, the contempt I feel from my SO. The highest my blood pressure has ever been ( high side ) was 130 after taking 40grams of Adderall in the past.

As I am, I looked up reasons for such high blood pressure and PTSD was listed at one possibility. My diet, more recently, has improve from the past as well.

The connection it seems, is the increase in panic attacks related to CPTSD....as my depression and ADHD symptoms seemed to be managed okay at my current doses of medication and working as they should.

One might argue then, that an increase in triggers, along with my increased ability to suppress them to reduce conflict ....has resulted in a higher blood pressure and more panick attacks.

Of course, this is purely anecdotal from my own perspective but....on paper it reads:

-Panic attacks increased but conflict with partner has gone down.

-Nightmares increased 

-Suppression increased, due increased triggers.

-Blood pressure spikes to an all time high

-Ativan added to reduce the severity of panic attacks ( on demand )

   I can't forget that the increased pressure at work probably has an influence but ...I'm use to working under stress at work all the time....and I still have never had 169 blood pressure even once before.

The biggest single change:...the increase in triggers and increase in nightmares and panic attacks then.

I'm going back in a month to have my BP checked again.

Emptiness

Forum: Progress You are Making and Hope

So I’ve come to a place today where emptiness stretches out around me.

I’ve almost accepted divorce, the loss, the grief, the void where children disappear every week.

I no longer dwell in the conflicts as much as  before. I imagine my ADD ex husband with a new younger woman - always expected though not evident yet - and I sort of accept this, turning me into something old and spent. 

I’ve probed my feelings for an old love this week. He used to be my person, but though he’s been the only possible object of desire Ive been able to imagine since divorce, I don’t want him.

My father passed when I was in my twenties. There is now no man I trust and feel deeply connected to.

I’m sure this feeling of emptiness might be another step forward after divorce. But it makes me so sad today.

How do you go on from here? I know this year is supposed to carry me forward professionally, deepen friendships and strengthen interests, but I feel so meek in front of it. Not bitter, just weak. Ive worked incessantly to understand what’s happened  and repaired all I could, made boundaries, and sort of feel it’s mostly done. I did all I could. Now what?

A colleague announced today she’s leaving for another workplace. I felt it affected me. Like the lack of meaning of all we do engulfed me briefly. 

It’s so empty.
 

Emotional Cheating

Forum: Negotiation and Setting Boundaries

“There’s the saying that you can’t serve two masters at one time because you will love one and loathe the other,” says Dr. Childs. “Usually, when we enter into affairs, there’s either a lack of communication in a relationship, our needs are not being met, or it’s become so routine that we need an escape and we need something exciting. That exciting new thing may come in the form of this ‘new relationship,’ but what we’re not recognizing is that it’s all a fantasy.”

I finally figured out what's going on, in part, with this "friend" my SO has. Nothing made sense, nothing could explain the explanations I was getting intil now....and I'm really angry.

This is completely different than the premise of an "exciting new relationship" concept. These are old relationships, before I was even in the picture. It all makes sense to me now....and what my intuition was telling me. I could feel it....in other words.

But it still does involve a fantasy, and the idea of romance. My SO said she "loves romance" to me once ( which I've never really felt or seen from her )...which made me oddly curious about this discrepancy. Clearly, she was talking about something else?  Actually, no, she wasn't talking about something else....." I love romance "....literally.  But the kind in fantasy books or Hollywood movies....the fake kind...the kind that came from someone else's imagination.

I remember standing in line at the grocery store, behind a disheveled looking woman in a Mu Mu, buying a carton of cigarettes, a bottle of Ripple wine and a "True Romance" book. ( pulp fiction ). I thought to myself, mmm....she's gonna have a good evening?   

Which would be the equivalent to now: a disheveled looking guy, buying a carton of cigarettes, a short case of Papts Blue Ribbon and a porno mag. Am I wrong ? 

It's a fantasy about sex and romance....and the two getting intertwined between sex and women. From the woman's side and the man's side....and pretty clearly....this lady and my fictitious ( but millions of them out there ) guy...who are getting these needs met. You may not agree on the how...but this is one way to do it.

So back to my SO. When I first met her online a few years ago....there's this guy, regularly commenting and following her on social media ...and puts a "like" on every single post she makes, who shares her same last nam. To this day...he's always there. Just lurking around. I first thought it must be her brother ( still having her maiden name ) ...then I find out it's her ex-husband, and I thought, that's kinda wierd?

And there's this other guy following her on social media,  who seems very intent on commenting but not only that, appears to know her well from the comments he's made. What' up with him, I thought? Come to find out, my SO said, "oh...when I was really insecure and low after my breakup with "the one" ( the guy who dumped her after two months after they moved in together )...I told him I was attracted to him and he told me the same."

But this guy is married. Has been for 35 years to the same women. And this guy...after ( me ) following him around on social media to see if he potentially is someone of interest to her...I saw he had a number of good looking women he was following around....especially ones with provocative photos or an inviting nature. Flirtatious and they talked about sex a lot.

So, while I was communicating with my SO the entire time before I moved here....she's following this guy around too. He's really into rock hounding and sent her a few pieces. So now, she's getting into rock hounding ( mirroring ) and showing interest too.  Belongjng to the same groups as him, talking to him daily.

So when I arrive here, she actually began showing me "gifts" he's sent her. I immediately asked:" why is a married man sending you gifts? Does his wife know about this?" And it actually seemed like she does and is okay with it?  It also could be, theyre estranged for financial reasons, and living in the same house? That's pure speculation....but this is what I know for sure.

When I first got here, my SO suggested going to the town where he lives ( 700 miles away ) for her birthday to see a "Rock Hound" show? I'm thinking....what?. Why would I want to go visit him and see a Rock Hound show...for your birthday? WTF?

I came up with a better plan and we had a great time together. 

But then she shows me a bracelet he sent her. ( jewelry ). And I immediately said:" woah...hold on there. I'm in the jewelry bussiness....this is one area I know...for over 40 years counting jobs I had as a salesperson. Men, give jewelry, to special women in their lives! Period. You are NOT going to tell me otherwise!! Giving gifts of jewelry, means something.   And, I know exactly what that means!

But she stood there, and tried to tell me they are just friends. I kept my mouth shut...and filed that away for a later date.

Up to this point, I believed everything she said. For a while, I thought, maybe they slept together? Maybe...but I still don't think so. I think she's telling the truth when she told me that he "turned her down when I asked him to come visit saying ( him ) "I'm married, and that probably wouldn't be a good idea." I believe that's the truth ...that's what my intuition tells me at least.

So in other words however, they were both having an emotional affair and he was lusting after her. Fantasizing about having sex....and probably making that plain to her in more words. He'd already proven that he's done that with these other women on social media. A middle aged man, been married to one women for 35 years...and having a mid life crisis.  Petty clear to me.

What's also clear is....my SO is an "object" of his affection and desire.  Not just sex, but part of this fantasy play "BOTH" of them have together.  

What is emotional cheating?

"Emotional cheating is a type of an emotional affair that involves developing a close, emotional connection with someone other than your partner without fully disclosing the existence of that connection. Over time, as you continue to build an emotional bond with this other person, you may experience a disruption in your own relationship. This happens because having a strong emotional connection to someone else may directly interrupt or interfere with your ability to emotionally connect with your partner. In some cases, emotional affairs can last for a few weeks or months, while others can last for several years."

She has this emotional bond with this guy. He's part of this "romance" she loves. And he's continuing to play his part.

How do I know?

Ever since I've been there, she's been really stressing the "just friends" part. Really stressing, over and over, making an extra effort to build in my mind, that they are just friends. Pushing that narrative, while at the same time...telling me openly about their relationship every time he contacts her. Invites her to a chat room, and him,  making strangely odd comments to her on social media. Strangly odd, because they don't make sense to me...but yet they all laugh. What are they laughing about?? Must be a private joke. Because that's exactly what it is....a private joke between my SO, this guy ( his friend )...and another horn dog friend ( same thing ) married...but follows my SO...and this other gal in particular...around Facebook. 

And, this other gal, is constantly...bringing up sex...and fishing for compliments. She brings up sex: who's she's slept with, innuendo, how she loves sex with women too ( threesome fantasy ) and teasing these guys with sexual ( mental images ) of her in different fantasy scenarios having sex. Just like porn. People call these ladies "a tease" because that's what they like to do. They want attention from men, but they usually don't act on it...exactly why the name "tease". It's all so friendly and playful..."we're just "friends". Tee Hee.

Yes!!! Friends I'd like to have sex with...and most likely masterbate to !! 

Just like my SO's friend and his buddy...who follow women around who they find attractive and want to "f@#k" 

I'm wording this that way, because, that's all they want. Love, has nothing to do with it.

So, "this guy"...thinks he pretty funny. I can tell, he really thinks alot of himself and also thinks he's being sneaky. That no one knows his little secret including me. He probably thinks, if he plays his cards right, he might get what he wants. He's of a predatory nature...on the make ( hunting ).

So now, this guy, out of the blue, arrives at my house, where I live. From an invitation he got from my SO ...before I moved here.  I'm so angry at this guy, I could spit.

And from the second he walked in....everything was wrong...wrong in every way...and I could feel it. He lied several times, couldn' keep his story straight, was projecting ( which was pretty obvious ). Said he was heading South...when he already said he was going west. I tested that again saying...so you're heading west now?" NO south." Which contradicted what I just heard him say. And he said he was going one place after another in chronologica order....but when he posted pictures on social media...that order was different. In fact, the entire itinerary he told us seemed made up in the moment. Too many details to keep straight. When I looked at my SO's face when she told me he was coming over....there was a flash of fear on her face...just a moment, then it was gone.

But the biggest things he said straight up was, he came to see my SO. Yet, he spent the entire time talking to me, as if, he was really trying hard to get me to like him. Trying a little too hard you might say. And the entire time, my SO just sat their listening...with not much to say? And then when he left, she said ," see, he's just a friend and nothing to worry about"...like as if, to keep pushing this friend narrative. That was the entire theme..."he's a friend, and now he's your friend too".

No, he is not my friend, and never was. It's what they want me to be, and it felt very pushed on me and awkward. 

But one of my biggest telltales came from my past. My best friend ( the narcissists ) use to do something with everyone when he first met them. He'd always hug them, instead of shaking their hands like...."see, I'm your buddy....we'r  instant friends" That sent alarm bells off...because I'd seen that many times before....coming from a known ( narcissistic person ). In fact, everything about this guy reeked of narcissism ...the same brand, that I knew from my best friend...who' everyone'  friend.  

The only problem with this kind of friend, that he had a "alls fair in love and war" attitude...which allowed him to have sex with any woman he wanted to. Married or not....in fact....usually in a relationship with someone else at the time.   He also wasn't looking for love, just a quick romance that ended in sex. Kinda like those Romance novels...porn for women. 

So, this guy, reminded me exactly of my best friend.....and I told my SO this. I not only told my SO that, but many of the details of what I just said...about him only. I never accused her of anything but....I ended by saying how uncomfortable I was with him coming here.....and him, in general, saying I didn't trust him at all and never have...including...telling her, we are definitely NOT friends ( which blew their narrative out of the water ) and I really don't trust his motive...telling her all about my best friend and the "method" he used to get women into bed. By first, being their "best friend"...while all along, just wanting sex.

And that's when, she blew up. She accused me of being "demented ( crazy ). Said I was possessive, jealous, insecure. Said she didn't think we were a good match. Said, that's a big red flag....said a whole lot of things about me that just aren't true....which I knew they weren't.....at the time.

She also told me that ( one time ) micro-cheating....isn't considered cheating to everyone. ( including her )....but she didn't say that part. She didn't say it, because she does it....just like the woman she despises ( the tease )...who gets lots of male attention...by advertising sex.

 My SO doesn't advertise sex, but she does like to flirt. She likes to "put it out there"...to get men to pay attention to her....and engage with her. 

And she did it, repeatedly while we were on vacation with other men we met. To the point....I got angry, and that put a damper on the entire trip.

I was accused of being insecure and jealous again. But that's not what I was feeling. I was angry...with every right to be. Not, that I didn't contribute in some way....but, because, for what ever reason, I was being treated so poorly. It was very emotionally upsetting then....and when this guy came over.  I was not the priority.....the priority was feeling desired sexually ( or otherwise )...and a need to feel attractive. Not just by me, but by men in general.

 I think the need to feel attractive, wanted, and desired by men, has been, the overwhelming issue.

 ***It's not sex...it's to feel attractive and desired. And she needs this badly, and to  have this keep being reinforced in her head.***

Is she having sex with these men? I really don't think so. Is she needing to fulfill some romance fantasy she has?  Better option. And maybe she did sleep with this guy ( Mr everyone's friend ) and she's covering for him because he's married )

But what's her excuse? Why doesn't she be open and honest with me? I don't care who she slept with in the past. In fact, one of my good friends who we spent time together, ended up marrying an old girlfriend of mine. There was never a problem. I know how I acted, and I had absolutely no intention of being anything more than a friend. No issues between he and I....or her and him....because my intentions were always honorable.  Even if I had the opportunity...and sex with her was offered...there'd be absolutely no way that would happen.   Not, just because she was married...but because of my friendship with him!!  I respected him equally...as I did her...because he was also my friend.

And, everyone knew it. It was all out in the open...that's the difference. No private jokes between myself and her. No discussions of secret desires ....because there were none. The fact that I broke up with her ( my choice ) probably had a lot to do with it, but I think everyone knew, that I could be trusted....because I could.

Mr Everyone's friend? I don't trust him as far as I can spit. Neither would I trust my best friend ( in the past )...because I personally watched him have sex with multiple girls ( not watching but was there ) who had boyfriends....some, who were also his friend.

Also, while he was here....he made it a point to tell me when he was younger ( before he was married )..."my hobby was girls"...in high school. Yeah, Mr Midlife crisis. I see you, trying to recapture your youth before you were married.  

So why not tell me? Because....it's still going on...and has been the entire time?  And maybe....she did already have sex with him? That's a real possibility.....when she was "insecure and feeling low" after she was dumped. I mean, that's completely understandable. I wasn't even in the picture.

 But that also means, he's probably already been here before. Which is why he kept giving her gifts. Which is why he gave her jewelery....which is why he feels a sense of possession and ownership ( as guys often do with women they've has sex with ) ....and why, he's coming back for more. ( maybe )

This is what I'm angry about. Not that they had sex before us. But the disrespect to me is agreguios. And the balls someone would have ( and the arrogance ) he would have to feel about his own self importance...to think, it would be okay...to try and come back for more. Like he's God's gift to women and he just that great in bed?? 

 Unlike me and my friend ( married to my ex girlfriend) ...he had no respect for me, no respect for my SO....and no respect for himself...if....that's what was going on. Like I said....it felt wrong on so many levels. 

I'm guessing....her fantasy guy...( Mr everyone's friend ) is a lot more appealing...because she can't have him, he lives 700 miles away, and, she doesn't really have to get to know him...because he's just a fantasy. A stranger off the internet.

And as long as she doesn't sleep with him, it's not cheating. But....in order to keep the fantasy going....this guy needs to desire her for sex.  

 That's her bad...that responsibility lies with her if I'm correct in this. The big difference is, this guy, arrived unannounced, in the flesh, and isn't in the pages of some book. I can't tell you how angry this makes me. Even if, nothing is "going on" or my SO isn't having sex with him or anyone else ( including me )

Kinda like porn for guys...but in real life.

I will say this to porn use. I use porn, because I'm not getting sex. When I get sex, and have it regularly. I stop using porn. Fact. I choose a real relationship and real sex and intimacy over fantasy. I don't use porn as a replacement for a real person, with real emotions and real intimacy when they're standing in front of me.  I use it as erotica, to become aroused, to have an orgasm. 

There's nothing emotional about it...it does not fulfill that need what so ever. It's pretty empty and cold in fact. Just a means to an end....that's it.

I don't know if that's wrong, but that is me, just being honest.

That's the dealio.   And my feelings tell me this is right.  Unfortunately,  I cannot talk about this to my SO...or I'll just get gaslighted again....and her "blowing up".

If I could....I would. But this would yet be,  more "drama" that she hates.

 

 

Motivation is SO Important to Your Relationship...

Start here

It’s a dance you know well – have a hard talk, decide to do things differently, actually do them differently for a time, then things gradually go back to the way they were before. Whether it’s changing who schedules summer camps, or agreeing to pay the bills together so you have a system, or not yelling in front of the kids…it can begin to feel like “wash, rinse, repeat” when all the effort you put into speaking up and working to change things doesn’t get you somewhere better.  

This is a set-up for frustration, resentment, and eventually distance and loneliness. But I don’t need to tell you that.  While this dynamic isn’t unique to couples impacted by ADHD dynamics, it is more frequent for you. So – how do you get things to change, for real this time?

Making meaningful change

As a couples therapist, I always have my eye on the question of : What is going to make meaningful change here?  Sometimes the answer lies within the couples therapy session – help couples to handle hard moments differently while they’re right in front of me so they can begin to do things differently at home – rather than giving them an intellectual understanding that they won’t remember the next time they are shut down or furious, leaving them doing the same old dance. 

And yet, sometimes what creates change has to do with what couples do outside of session. Finding what motivates you and gets you to DO the things you know to do makes all the difference in whether change sticks or not. 

Importantly, what motivates people with ADHD is oftentimes not the same as what motivates people without ADHD. And – hear me out here – that’s totally fine! Having different motivational styles is not a problem for your relationship. (Making your partners’ motivational needs a problem IS a problem for your relationship.) 

How you activate your motivation differs

For people who don’t have ADHD, motivation comes from what people find important. This could come from an internal place such as “it is important to me to pay my bills on time and not pay penalty fees, so I will make sure they are paid on time.” Or motivation could come from an external sense of importance such as “it is important to my boss that I finish this task so I’m going to prioritize getting it done until it is finished.” With both of these, reward and consequence loom large, and help you to lock in focus and work in your optimal zone of performance. 

For those who have ADHD, rewards and consequences are not what get you focused. Instead, passion, interest, novelty, competition and hurry (or PINCH) are what you need to find focus and move out of boredom/apathy and get productive instead of overwhelmed or anxious. Essentially, the PINCH motivators put you in your optimal zone of performance. For you, it would look like, “I have a timer set and I’m going to see if I can pay 5 bills in 10 minutes” (hurry) or, “I’m going ask to race my coworker to finish this task so I’m sure I get it done in time for my boss’ deadline.” (competition)

Motivational levers matter - for example…

So – if you’re trying to motivate your ADHD husband to come to bed earlier because it’s better for his health and your connection (importance), I have bad news for both of you. You’re using non-ADHD motivation levers to try to get your ADHD partner to change behavior. It’s going to be an exercise in frustration and leave you both feeling bad. 

And – if you’re trying to get your non-ADHD wife to have sex more often because it’s fun (interest)…again, bad news. She’s likely focused on the things that have to get done everywhere and can’t switch into an ADHD person’s motivational mindset. 

Next steps - learn to utilize each partners’ motivational strategies

To start taking motivational activation into account, you first need to make sure you’re using motivational strategies that work for YOU, and appeal to your partners’ needs for motivation that works for them. If you don’t know what those are for each of you – then figuring that out is your first project. Knowing which motivators to use to shift yourself out of boredom or overwhelm into a productive mode is a hugely important change agent you can find for yourself – and for your relationship.

And, if you find you need some help, as many couples do – I have some good news. We have created a great new membership program called Intent to Action (i2a) that is geared towards supporting you BOTH with the changes you want to make in your relationship. We’re aiming for this to take some of the heat off of the relationship and allow you both to get the support you need – in the ways you need it! – so you can focus on your connection, making lasting changes and having fun together.  

The kinds of things you’ll find in i2a are live group coaching workshops with coaches who are ADHD relationship specialists, live book clubs with authors and experts, a private membership community forum with experts and peers to answer your questions, improve accountability, and be a part of the conversation, co-working sessions every week, and more. 

You can read more about Intent to Action, and sign up here. 

Rachel Ban, LiCSW is a veteran couples therapist who has specialized in couples intensives for over a decade. She is a consultant with the ADHD and Marriage Consultants program and the Program Director for Intent to Action. You can find her private practice at: www.rachelbanlicsw.com. 

Tags:  motivation intent to action PINCH frustration

ADHD and aversion to therapy

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

I would like to know why people afflicted with ADHD are sometimes averse to therapy.   I am at my wits end with my fiance and would absolutely try a last ditch effort to save our relationship as we have been together 8 years and engaged for 3.   But he refuses to go to therapy as he says he has done  "many cognitive therapy sessions" in the past.  He lives in an unfinished house and quite possibly a hoarding situation as well and will not take my advice to seek new  help, possibly new techniques afforded to those that suffer with ADHD.  I know there are other factors involved(porn, very low self esteem, no friends, distant from family and a very bad former break up) that all have never been dealt with.  Is it too much for me to ask?  Is the reason for not wanting therapy is because they are so plagued by pain and disappointment that they cannot bear any more criticism(positive) or pain?   Am I at a total wishful thinking point and wasting my time to try and salvage this relationship?  Or should I cut my losses?  So very sad all this!!

Difficulty Setting Boundaries

Forum: Negotiation and Setting Boundaries

I'm the one with this issue, not so much my SO. I'm coming to understand more and more, how this issue of mine is causing problems in my relationships. I realize it's from my past traumas  ( as a survival  strategy ) that was successful at one time.... so learning how to do it now in a comfortable way is hard, at least, because I'm not use to doing it. It's also not easy, when the other person reacts negatively to it.

 Two people with RSD, reacting from feeling rejected ( at the same time ) is a difficult thing to muster, when your RSD is triggered, by the very thing you're trying to do ie: set a boundary....which inevitably, is ( potentially ) going to cause the other person to feel rejected, which in turn, is going to make you feel rejected, from their rejected-ness. ( Symptom, Symptom, response, response, response, response, response ) lol   This potentially could go on for days!! Unresolved.

Best laid plans are just that....an idea ( even a good one ) and trying to apply it in the real world. Good ideas, you read in a book (school ) or otherwise is good knowledge to have.  Applying it in the real world without any experience, is where "school" really begins.

 Knowing how, comes from experience. This is how, this can play out as on  example. 

My SO likes to bite me sometimes. In playfulness, but sometimes it hurts! And before anyone goes too far down the wrong road ( because I had to look it up ) this is called "cute aggression"...that is, when somethin is just so adorable to you, you impulsively have to bite it, or squeeze it, pinch its cheek, etc.  I had to go back to grade school to find this in my memory banks, but, I remember hitting ( gently) little girls I had crushes on, to get their attention. And sometimes that backfired and I felt really stupid. Bur sometimes that worked too, because now they at least noticed me. In gradeschool, this came from a completely lack of understanding or anything better to do and me, being a numbskull. Both.

The problem, is, sometimes...my SO bites too hard and it actually hurts. To the point, it leaves a mark ( a welt ) and I really don't enjoy it. Not only do I not enjoy it, it makes me a little mad. ( because it hurts! ).

 Now, my SO is like me hitting the little girl in school to get her attention and trying to be "playfull" or "engaging" , and this little girl wheels around and says:" hey!! knock that off!! ( stupid ) ".

In essence, that's what happened this morning. It was the third time, she bit so hard....it actually left a welt with indentations. And in the past, I may have said "ouch" ...but I never said: "you need to be more careful when you're playing around...cause that really hurt."That would have been, the more diplomatic way to say it.......

But in the moment, when I first rolled out of bed half asleep, not fully aware, and someone bites you on the shoulder when they're hugging you...hard enough to leave a mark.....I pushed her away and said "owe, I REALLY don't like it when you do that!!"

Her response was: " you liked it before??"

Me:" I've never liked it...I just never said anything!"

I guess that's one way to set a boundary but results were less than optimal. 

She became irritated and withdrew. It ruined the good mood and the playfully gesture, she went cold....I felt rejected ( kick in RSD ) ....now I'm feeling like she's ( going to kick me out and leave me RSD )....she's acting super cold and ( punishing me ) all the while saying " I'm fine" which is not true. ( just fine thanks ) And this one little instance turns into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Which is also true.

I'm writing this all down because this is a perfect example of Symptom ( Symptom ) /response (response), response ( response )  ...and how it plays out.

And in the end...the normal "just let it go" comes out....which is code for: 

"I don't want to talk about it ie: I don't want to take any responsibility for my part of this...I don' want to hear about how I hurt you ( physically )....even if it was just an accident..... and I'm not going to apologize ( because I take no responsibility )....because I'm feeling hurt and rejected and irritated with you.....because you rejected me... because I hurt you ( but...you're so sensitive...thats really the problem )....because I was just playing with you, and feeling close....and you ruined it for me...by doing what you did....and made me feel embarrassed ( or shamed )....

Or something along those lines.

And what did I do?  I told her that she hurt me...and hurt me in the past....and I don't like it now....or in the past either.

That was me, talking through pain...( physical pain ) in real time. Best laid plans don't always work.

A short time later....I went back and told her "I don't mind when you bite, but when you bite that hard ( to leave a mark ) it really hurts, and I'm no longer enjoying it. I'm sorry that I reacted that way."

That's the real truth. But in the moment, that's not what I said...or the way I reacted.

But this is the pattern we've got going on. As I see it....the inability to have empathy is blocked...by the inability to take responsibility....and it all comes to a grinding halt right there.

 And the, just let it go works ( kind of ) from avoiding conflict...but nothing gets resolved and nothing changes. 

My part in this whole play ( not necessarily this time because that really hurt !! Like real physical pain!! Lol  ) But the fact that I'm an HSP highly sensitive person, and I have to consider that when blaming anyone for "hurting my feelings ". Physical pain, is a feeling, and my immediate response is to push people way....which is exactly what I did this time too.

Can she be a little "insensitive" ??

I think she lacks empathy in moments when she needs it...and not being able to see outside of herself, or take responsibility for "hurting me" sometimes. It's the refusing to take responsibility part that actually is the problem.   In the moment, I lacked empathy too... because I was more focused on my physical pain which was real. And I have the mark to prove it.

Instead of saying "let it go"....if she said, "ouch, sorry honey, are you okay?"....or anything along those lines....everything would be better ( and resolved )...and then....I could let it go.

 She's skipping over the taking responsibility part...where she acknowledges how she hurt me. This is the problem...as I'm seeing it.

Co parenting

Forum: Negotiation and Setting Boundaries

I wish there were more resources for nons who need to co parent with ADHD co parents. 

I find the stress and sorrow of this arrangement (read non arrangement) is clouding my life, making it extremely difficult to find peace and joy living alone.

Ive decided to not ever try to manage my ex or what he does on his time with children. Instead I deal with a complete void that they disappear into every week. I overburden myself to squeeze in all I can for them on my weeks.

The world is frightening and I’m just pretending I have any idea of how to model a life for them. All I wanted was a loving relationship to my ex, the kind of infinite security my parents could give me growing up. 

I’m in contact with an old love from decades back. We’re just friends, but I feel such a need to go back inside a deep intimate relationship, I’m getting a little vulnerable around this sympathetic man. I wish I knew what to do. 

Unraveling the Puzzle

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Before I begin...
I hope I am posting this message on the right forum. If not, I am, of course, happy to repost it elsewhere if necessary.

Where to start? As with every story, I think it’s best to start at the beginning.

My story begins on July 16, 2022. I was at what used to be my regular pub, having a beer with two friends. At that moment, I was just starting to recover from what was without a doubt the darkest period of my life. Only two months earlier, I had said goodbye to my terminally ill mother. It marked the end of four turbulent years, during which my stepfather also passed away from acute leukemia, a dear colleague at my previous job suddenly died, and, just three days before I found out my mother had cancer, I was told that I couldn’t have children. At the time, my ex-partner and I were pursuing a shared dream of having children and had entered an IVF process. All of this happened during the COVID pandemic, which made it even more challenging due to restrictions on visiting and physical contact. As you can imagine, this was not a pleasant time in my life, and it took a heavy toll on me—both mentally and physically.

What happened on July 16?
It was on that day that I met my current girlfriend. A fun, spontaneous, sweet, and beautiful girl who walked into the pub halfway through the evening with two friends. It wasn’t until we’d been sitting back-to-back for about an hour that our eyes met for the first time, and I immediately fell head over heels in love.

Even though I was just beginning to find a little breathing room after all the hardship—and fully aware that a heavy period of grieving and processing was still ahead—I couldn’t ignore my feelings. I was eager to get to know her and discover what we might mean to each other. And so it began.

The start of something beautiful
We began our relationship full of excitement and adventure. We went on vacations, had spontaneous outings, and truly enjoyed each other’s company. After such a dark and turbulent time in my life, it was a relief to see the brighter side of life again. And being with someone I grew to care about deeply made it all the more meaningful.

The first six months of our relationship flew by. We became close quickly and eventually decided to move in together. At the time, it felt like a natural progression.

When the cracks began to show
However, it wasn’t long after we moved in that challenges began to arise. Looking back, I now see how much I was still struggling emotionally. I hadn’t fully dealt with my grief, and I was still carrying the weight of everything that had happened in the years prior.

I was still coping in unhealthy ways—drinking more than I should and continuing to smoke heavily. This behavior started to put pressure on our relationship. I was withdrawing emotionally, falling deeper into my grief, and it became clear that I needed more help.

Luckely I was already in therapy, which was an important step I knew I had to take long before my mother died, but it also came with its own challenges. As I started processing everything, the emotional and physical toll became more apparent. One of the hardest things I experienced was a significant loss of libido, which lasted for over a year.

This loss of intimacy created distance between us. My girlfriend felt disconnected and frustrated, and while I desperately wanted to give her the closeness and affection she deserved, I just couldn’t. This dynamic slowly began to chip away at our relationship.

A conversation that changed everything
After yet another argument during the holiday season, I went to one of my closest friends to vent. He knows me incredibly well but hasn’t spent much time around my girlfriend.  What made this conversation even more significant was that my friend has ADHD himself, so he understands the symptoms and struggles that come with it on a deep, personal level. So, as I poured my heart out about our struggles, he suddenly interrupted me with a comment I’ll never forget:

“Hey, maybe it’s just me, but I feel like I’m hearing some form of ADHD in this.”

At first, I wasn’t sure what to make of his observation. But as he started describing certain traits and behaviors—difficulty regulating emotions, impulsivity, struggles with focus—I was struck by how accurately he described both me and my girlfriend.

It was almost eerie. He barely knew her, yet he was able to describe patterns in our relationship so precisely that it felt like he’d been watching us from the sidelines for years. His words opened my eyes and set me on a path of reflection and discovery.

One major part of this was how my girlfriend often reacted to criticism. She struggled immensely with even the smallest critique or suggestion, and it always seemed to turn into an argument. If I expressed any form of feedback, she would immediately become defensive and try to deflect it back onto me. She couldn’t accept that her actions were contributing to our issues, and it was often like walking on eggshells whenever I needed to bring up something difficult. At the time, I didn’t fully understand why she was reacting this way. But now, looking back through the lens of ADHD, I see that her sensitivity to criticism might be a direct reflection of ADHD-related emotional dysregulation.

What makes it even more eerie is that she had mentioned a few times that she thought she might have ADHD herself, but I had dismissed it at the time. Her father, who I now believe may also has ADHD, may have unintentionally passed down some of these struggles to her as he was often critical of her, rarely offering support, and would say things like, “You can’t do anything right.”

It’s heartbreaking to think about how much those words must have hurt her, especially coming from someone who should have been her biggest supporter. I believe this history left a lasting mark on her, making her extra sensitive to anything that even remotely resembles criticism.

As I continued reading and reflecting, I noticed other issues in our relationship that I hadn’t fully understood before. The constant miscommunications, the emotional flare-ups, the way we’d both retreat into ourselves when tensions arose—everything started to make sense when I viewed it through the lens of ADHD. But it wasn’t just the behavior I recognized; deeper, more fundamental issues began to surface. It wasn’t just the obvious misunderstandings anymore either; there were other, more subtle issues that we were both contributing to, and its becoming very clear how hard it is to break the cycle.

Reflecting on myself
As I began reading more about ADHD, I started seeing those traits in myself as well. I recognized my own struggles with focus, emotional regulation, and managing stress. It was a revelation, but it also left me with questions: Could ADHD be playing a role in our challenges? Could I have ADHD and not even realize it?

I am aware that my own grief and trauma, especially the loss of my mother and everything I had endured, had led to emotional symptoms that can closely resemble some symptoms of ADHD. I realized that the two—grief and ADHD—might overlap in some ways. But hearing it from my friend, someone who truly understood the symptoms of ADHD firsthand, made me start looking at things differently. He suggested that I read ADHD in Relationships by Melissa Orlov, which had helped him understand his own relationship dynamics better. I decided to take his advice, and after reading it, everything started to fall into place. The book illuminated patterns in relationships that I hadn’t recognized before, and I began to see parallels with my own relationship. It was eye-opening, and I felt as if I had a new lens through which to view the struggles we had been facing.

I’ve since decided to discuss these questions with my doctor to explore whether an official diagnosis might help me better understand myself.

Where I stand now
Right now, I’m trying to keep an open mind. I’m not an expert, and I can’t diagnose myself or my girlfriend. But for the first time, it feels like the puzzle pieces are starting to fall into place.

It’s a strange mix of emotions—confusion, relief, and a little hope. I don’t know exactly what lies ahead, but I’m determined to approach it with honesty and a willingness to learn, both for myself and for the people I care about.

Although I’m aware that it might be too late for us, which leaves me heartbroken, there is a part of me that strongly believes there is still hope. I love her very much, and I still feel she wants a future for us, but I think she’s just as lost as I am when it comes to how to make that happen. Yes, in her mind, she may be miles ahead of me in terms of ending this, but the way she acts toward me right now makes me wonder if she’s still looking for a way to fix this as well. Perhaps it’s just me not wanting to accept that we’re done, but I can’t shake the feeling that there’s a glimmer of possibility left, even if I’m not sure what that future looks like anymore.

Trauma Survivors

Forum: Progress You are Making and Hope

I'm doing a bit of research on trauma survivors and ran across an article that listed the positives or strengths, of people who are trauma survivors.  If I had any question if I was or not, this list pretty well defines my strengths. Almost ( if not exactly ) to a tee.

Trauma Neurodivergences Also Come With Incredible Strengths

"Trauma survivors also have strengths—just like any other neurodivergent person. Ellison told me, “They are incredibly strong individuals with highly adaptable nervous systems that have learned to survive what might seem unsurvivable.”

Ellison explains that because many trauma survivors are highly sensitive, “We feel deeply and are deeply moved by events.” And this can be a good thing. Why? “That means we experience the world deeply, from the wonderful to the highly overwhelming.”

Trauma survivors live in high-definition. Ellison, who teaches trauma-informed writing, notes in her teaching that trauma survivors can leverage their strength as sensitive observers of the world to make them better writers.

Trauma survivors are also highly empathetic and, as Ellison explains, “the first to comfort someone who’s experienced a major loss. We’re not afraid to be with someone who’s experiencing the tough stuff.”

Trauma survivors are excellent to have around when things get tough, Ellison explains: “Because our nervous systems are highly attuned to survival, we are great in a crisis. It’s the one time we don’t panic.”

As many neurodiversity advocates have pointed out, it is important to discuss neurodiversities' strengths and struggles. Frequently, as a society, we focus only on the negative and ignore the positive.