Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 21

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

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ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

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Published on November 13, 2024 13:26

Parts Work: Four Steps to Being Less Defensive

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 11/06/2024. Communication Tips with ADHD

Want to feel better about how you navigate conflict in your relationship? Here’s a four-part approach, based on Internal Family Systems (IFS), that will help you listen to what’s going on inside yourself and receive your partner’s words more easily.

Step 1: Pause and drop your anchor

A therapist once kindly asked a friend of mine, “Why don’t you try under reacting?” That was good advice to someone who often got defensive when interpersonal waters got choppy. This friend knew his defensiveness reliably worsened his situation, but was having trouble lessening his negative responses.

Taking the therapist’s advice, my friend learned to ‘drop anchor’ by stopping to notice his emotions before speaking. By pausing he could take a moment to calm his own nervous system and find clarity before responding. Dropping anchor, and pausing, is the most important (and sometimes hardest!) first action in diminishing defensiveness.

The expression Don’t Put Your Sails in The Wind suggests the next good choice. If you keep your sails rolled up and tied down, your partner’s upset energy will blow on through, still rocking your boat perhaps, but not taking you on that wild ride you know so well.

But…how do you do this?

Step 2: Identify the parts of you that lead to defensiveness

Anchoring comes more easily after we’ve done some ‘inside’ work. My favorite approach is parts work, from the Internal Family Systems approach to healing and change. It can help us identify and acknowledge the parts of us that usually show up first during conflict.

Many of us have what might be called a “first responder,” and the energy and strategy of first responder parts can vary between individuals. Do you have any of these when conflict arises?

An inner voice that says “Oh, yeah!? Well, let me tell you what you…” This first responder part is like a courtroom attorney, ready to argue A stonewalling part that shows up first, with an inner message, “I don’t have to put up with this!” and an impulse to leave the scene A part stays put but mentally and emotionally checks out, and an inner attitude of “Whatever" Or a sad, downcast pat shows up first, with a pouty, “Now look how bad you’ve made me feel!” energy

You can develop a kind of radar for these internal dynamics. Stay curious, and you’ll begin to notice the parts of you that “hoist the sails” and keep you locked into a defensive style, even when you would prefer not to be. Growing your awareness of your ‘first responders’ (or your ‘protective parts’, etc) is an ‘inside’ job. Once you observe these dynamics you can start to come to terms with (and perhaps heal) what drives them. This process of ‘befriending’ your various parts (and their roles for you) provides a foundation for making fundamental changes in how you respond to your partner. You may need the help of an IFS professional as you go through this process.

Step 3: Practice unblending from your first responders

You’ve identified your first responder parts, and you have opted to get to know them better. You understand what they do and the hopes and fears that motivate them. You likely remember when, in your past, they first showed up to help. As you have ‘befriended’ your parts they have also gotten to know you better. Now they are willing to let you have a turn managing conflicts with your partner. You’re ready to practice, and your relationship soon provides an opportunity. Things are heating up, and your preparation is already paying off. You begin to notice the energy of your first responder part, suiting up and getting ready. Perhaps that’s just noticing a physical energy in your body, or words coming into your mind, or the way your breath changes. Inwardly, you invite your part to remember it is going to let you try. The energy inside you shifts. Perhaps you’re now a bit more open-hearted, and less frightened. You feel some curiosity toward the brewing situation instead of feeling defensive.

Step 4: Choose your focus – listen with intention

The storm is underway, and the waters are choppy. But your sails are battened down, and you notice a difference. You can see that your partner is a lovable person, in fact someone you do love, who is currently angry, speaking loudly, and glaring at you. And though you can feel a sense of threat about that, it’s on your back burner. So, what do you do with this neurological regulation you’ve developed? What’s useful to you, to your partner, to the whole of the situation?

We can all listen in more than one way. When someone is being angry toward us, there is a lot of information coming. Our first responders prioritize the information of threat, and it’s often present in our partner’s behavior: angry facial expressions, sharp and loud vocalizations, statements of blame or accusation. However, when your first responder parts are giving you space, your energy begins to shift. Qualities of calmness, compassion, and curiosity emerge. Now you can practice listening for the information of vulnerability. You are able to ask yourself, “What’s really at the bottom of this? What vulnerability is their anger protecting?” Listening with one intention - to notice the hurt feelings behind the angry feelings - opens a new horizon and new ways to interact. Can you imagine being calm and curious enough to ask your partner, “Would you like me to hear your anger, and try to listen for what’s important?” Can you imagine your partner’s experience of being invited to try that?

What’s next?

Would it be great for your partner to never storm at you? Sure. Would it be great for you to have a better time when it happens? To remain present, curious, and able to see and practice some good options? Definitely.

Each of the four steps are truly rewarding, but not effortless or immediate. Your first responder parts have been rehearsing their jobs for a long time. The support of an Internal Family Systems practitioner or therapist can help you befriend your parts, setting the stage for the real-time practice your relationship is inviting you to do. In the meantime, please start trying to notice the first responder parts inside you.

Jason Weber, M.Ed, LPCC-S, LICDC-CS is a consultant with ADHD & Marriage Consulting who focuses on Internal Family Systems work with couples and individuals. Jason is a Certified IFS Therapist and IFS Institute Approved Clinical Consultant. He will run an IFS couples’ support group on getting away from parent/child dynamics starting in January, 2025. When not working with ADHD & Marriage, he provides online therapy and IFS consultation at www.jasonwebertherapy.com

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Published on November 06, 2024 14:06

Losing Yourself

ADHD & Marriage News - October 30, 2024

Quote of the Week

“Are you you?”

-A sign in a local restaurant

Losing Yourself

I hear regularly in non-ADHD support groups this comment:

“I feel I’ve lost myself (in my relationship)”.

Do you feel the same way?

If you feel lost it may be because navigating the struggles and emotions in your life has distorted both your relationship and you. You might be ‘walking on eggshells’ and unable to fully express yourself. Though normally a calm person, you may feel resentful and rage at things that are ‘small’ but symbolic. You may feel hopeless and not know where to turn or how to find joy. You may resent or dislike your partner and have no idea what to do with that.

If these patterns sound familiar, then it may be a good time for some reflection and boundary resets. Are you living (and acting) in alignment with your most cherished values? Do you treat others (and particularly your partner) in ways you would like to be treated?

Your values are the core of who you are as a person. Once you are behaving in accordance with them you are more likely to ‘be you.’

If you wish to learn more about boundaries and values resets, consider our Couples Seminar or ADHD & Marriage Consulting.

UPCOMING EVENTS

Nov 14-16 - Annual International Conference on ADHD - Adults & partners, parents, clinicians of all kinds, coaches, organizers, educators, advocates.

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. (The next live seminar starts January 2025). The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. (REGISTRATION IS OPEN). We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

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Published on October 30, 2024 10:34

ADHD Meds Not Linked to Cardiovascular Events

ADHD & Marriage News - October 24, 2024

Quote of the Week

“In 2023, JAMA published a meta-analysis of 19 observational studies, involving 3.9 million participants, that found ADHD medications — both stimulants and non-stimulants — do not place patients of any age at greater risk for cardiovascular events, including heart failure and hypertension. The study found that there was no statistically significant association between ADHD medications and cardiovascular disease (CVD), even among middle-aged and older adults.3 Still, some prescribers hesitate or refuse to prescribe ADHD medications to patients older than age 50.”

-From The State of Adult ADHD Today, by Anni Layne Rodgers

ADHD Meds Not Linked to Cardiovascular Events

Please remember that I am not a doctor or prescriber.

I have been working with adults with ADHD since 2007 and I have noticed that people seem to be more willing to try medications than they used to be. That’s good news, because medications combined with behavioral changes is still the most effective way to manage ADHD according to research studies.

I pass the information along to reassure you if you are older and considering ADHD meds.

P.S. I’m not pushing medications on anyone. You get to choose what you put in your body. But it is helpful to have accurate information as you make your decision. If you wish to learn more about medications and ADHD, one good resource is the book ADD & Zombies.

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. (The next live seminar starts January 2025). The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. (REGISTRATION IS OPEN). We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

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Published on October 24, 2024 08:55

Narrating the ADHD Brain

ADHD & Marriage News - October 15, 2024

Quote of the Week

See below…

Narrating the ADHD Brain

Erin: You often say “my ADHD brain”, can you describe or narrate what it’s like to be in your brain?

Jeff: One big thing is a surplus of attention – not a deficit. That’s a misnomer. It’s too much attention, being interested in everything, pulled in a million directions. Ping ping ping ping ping!

Another part is “time blindness.” The gift of ADHD is you can easily come back to the present. The problem is, you come back to the present stressed about the zillion things you forgot to do. Because your capacity to plan is poor, and you may have challenges with short-term memory, and be bad at estimating how long something will take. Time blindness comes up in so many ways – it’s not just losing track of time and missing appointments. It can also be hard to locate yourself in time – to remember the past, to position yourself in your own memories. If someone asks me, “hey, remember that time at university when we did this?, even if I could remember, it would be hard to place the year.

Another aspect is sensitivity. Painful emotional sensitivity, where it can be hard to exist inside big feeling states. Also, sensory sensitivity, where certain sense gates are really challenging. In my case I feel vulnerable when there’s a lot of noise. Or soft light touch makes me cringe. I also have intense interpersonal sensitivities – like “rejection sensitivity dysphoria,” where if I feel like I’ve failed someone it’s a knife in the chest. I can feel it for days.

ADHD folks are famous for the good side of all this too. Sensitivity mixed with a labile attention span often means high creative capacity. You’re both noticing lots of fine details and also jumping around making connections. Another positive is a kind of exuberance. I don’t stay in my bad moods long. You get refreshed by the moment and psyched about the next thing. Can make you fun at parties. I should say that I’m talking about my particular presentation of ADHD, which is more the impulsive energized type. Sarah is more of the daydreamy type. There’s diversity even within a single neuro-type. Although she’s also fun at parties.

Also there seems to be a high percentage of neurodiverse folks in activist and advocacy communities. That could be part of the sensitivity. When something’s happening that’s unfair, either in our lives, or in the larger world, we can be hypersensitive to those injustices. It’s hard to go on with business as usual.

But I don’t want to romanticize the pluses. All of these things are also extremely agonizing. A lot of the abject suffering I went through in my life came from functioning in this way without the support and understanding of how I was.

- ADHD adult, Jeff Warren, from an interview with Erin Oke in Home Base with Jeff Warren blog post

What does your ADHD brain feel like?

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. (The next live seminar starts January 2025). The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. (REGISTRATION IS OPEN). We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

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Published on October 14, 2024 09:40

Understanding Parent-Child Dynamics in Couples with ADHD

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 10/12/2024. Conflicts Around Household Tasks What Is Parent-Child Dynamics in Couples?

The term "parent-child dynamics" refers to an unhealthy pattern in which one partner often takes on a controlling or managing role, while the other is more passive - being treated as though they are incapable, dependent, or immature. This dynamic can be more pronounced when ADHD is involved. The partner with ADHD may struggle with forgetfulness, disorganization, or inconsistent follow-through, which can leave the non-ADHD partner feeling burdened with an unequal share of responsibility.

Over time, this imbalance can lead to a cycle of resentment, with one partner feeling overworked (the parent role) and the other feeling managed and controlled (child role). This imbalance can lead to negative interactions that harm the relationship and erode mutual respect.

Recognizing the Parent-Child Dynamic

The first step to change is awareness. Recognizing these patterns can help both partners understand how they might be falling into roles that don’t serve the relationship. Here are a few signs to look out for:

One partner feels overwhelmed by responsibility: The non-ADHD partner often steps in to complete tasks in what they see as a more efficient way, leading to resentment when they feel they are doing more than their fair share. For example, the non-ADHD partner might constantly remind the ADHD partner to do a specific task, and when it doesn’t get done, they either nag or do it themselves out of frustration, creating an unhealthy cycle. "It's easier to do it myself" is efficient in the short-term and can relieve anxiety, but does little to change the overall pattern for the better. The other partner feels nagged or micromanaged: The ADHD partner may feel constantly directed or corrected, leading to feelings of inadequacy or avoidance. They might say, "Don’t tell me what to do," or feel as if no matter how hard they try, it's never enough, which reinforces procrastination—an issue for many with ADHD. Routine reminders and instructions: If one partner regularly gives reminders about basic tasks like paying bills or childcare duties, it can signal a parent-child dynamic. For instance, one partner might repeatedly ask the other to check in with them, which can create tension as the partner in the ‘child-like’ role feels they are being monitored. Over time, this can erode trust and independence, making that partner feel as though they are constantly being scrutinized, leading to resentment and withdrawal. An imbalance in decision-making: The non-ADHD partner may feel they must control decision-making because they worry that without their oversight, important tasks might be forgotten or mishandled, leading to potential stress or chaos. This can result in them taking on a more dominant role in everything from childcare to planning vacations to managing finances, leaving the ADHD partner feeling sidelined and dis-empowered.

Recognizing these patterns doesn’t mean either partner is to blame. It’s simply a sign that the relationship could benefit from more balanced roles.

Moving Toward a Healthier Dynamic

Both partners contribute to the parent-child dynamic—often unknowingly—and both need to work together to break the cycle. Here are a few strategies to start moving toward a more equal partnership:

Be curious: Be open and curious to understand how this dynamic negatively affects the relationship. Honest, non-blaming conversations about how each partner feels can go a long way. Talk about the areas where you feel out of balance and brainstorm ideas on how to change the current dynamics for something more positive for both partners. Divide tasks based on strengths: Instead of taking on all the tasks or micromanaging, try assigning responsibilities based on each partner’s strengths. For example, the ADHD partner may excel at creative or spontaneous tasks, while the non-ADHD partner might handle more detail-oriented duties. Practice patience and compassion: Changing these dynamics won’t happen overnight, and setbacks are normal. Both partners need to practice empathy—understanding that ADHD is not an excuse but a valid challenge that requires support and strategy. Set up external systems: Use reminders, apps, or shared calendars to help manage tasks. This way, responsibility doesn’t rely on one partner reminding the other—it’s a shared system that both can follow. If the ADHD partner feels they can't improve reliability on their own, it may be time to get professional assistance from a coach trained to work with ADHD adultsHow a Professional ADHD Coach or Consultant Can Help

ADHD consulting can be incredibly helpful in these situations because it focuses on practical strategies to manage the challenges of ADHD in daily life. A consultant works with the ADHD partner to develop systems for better organization, time management, and follow-through. They can also help ADHD partners understand some of the specific emotions, such as overwhelm or dread, that get in the way of completing tasks. Consultants and coaches can also help the non-ADHD partner understand the neurodivergent brain better, traverse some of the difficult emotions that come with the Parent-Child Dynamic, and to set up boundaries to reduce parenting behaviors. Coaching provides both partners with tools to create more balance, share responsibilities more equally, and support each other with patience and compassion.

Remember, the parent-child dynamic is not about blame, but about patterns. Both partners have contributed to these patterns, and both have the power to shift them. With the right strategies, empathy, and support you can build a healthier, more balanced partnership.

This post was written by Jill Johnson, PCC, CPCC. Jill is a coach with the ADHD & Marriage Consulting team who works with individuals with and without ADHD, as well as couples. She also has her own coaching practice, Jill Johnson Coaching.

Tags: Parent/Child Dynamics, household tasks, ADHD coaching, nagging, reminders

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Published on October 12, 2024 09:10

Stress

ADHD & Marriage News - September 30, 2024

Quote of the Week

“People 45 and older who have elevated stress levels have been found to be 37 percent more likely to have cognitive problems, including memory and thinking issues, than those who are not stressed, according to research published in the Journal JAMA Network Open…chronic stress can (also) lead to various physical and mental health problems, including anxiety, depression, headaches, heart disease, high blood pressure, sleep problems…cognitive decline was greater among the most stressed participants, regardless of age, race or sex.”

- Washington Post, 4-10-23

Stress

There are two main reasons to focus on improving your relationship, in my opinion. The first is that a healthy relationship is wonderful to be in while a dysfunctional one is painful.

The second reason is that the stress of being in a dysfunctional relationship can literally take years off your life, add mental health issues such as depression or anxiety, and result in serious cognitive decline.

In my mind, this latter is good reason to set a regular set of dates upon which you will assess whether or not your relationship is working for you and, if not, what your course of action might be to change that. Once every six to twelve months, for example. Ask yourself: Do I feel constantly on edge (sometimes described as ‘walking on eggshells’)? Am I being newly treated for depression or anxiety related to my relationship? Am I having trouble keeping things straight in a way that doesn’t reflect my age?

If the answer to some or all of those questions is yes, then it’s time to modify your course. Consider consulting with a professional, improving your boundaries, making sure you are contributing your best and where you are in the changes you wish to make as a couple. If your partner is also committed to improvement there are many improvements that typically can be made. If not, then change is less likely.

Stress doesn’t just come from our relationships, of course. It can also come from our jobs, financial situations, and much more. But it is important to understand that keeping the status quo in a long-term in a relationship that you experience as chronically stressful isn’t a neutral act for you. It has very real health implications.

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. (The next live seminar starts January 2025). The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. (REGISTRATION IS OPEN). We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on September 30, 2024 07:42

Losing Yourself

ADHD & Marriage News - September 16, 2024

Quote of the Week

“Are you you?”

- sign in a local restaurant

Losing Yourself

I hear regularly in non-ADHD support groups this comment:

“I feel I’ve lost myself (in my relationship)”.

Do you feel the same way?

If you feel lost it may be because navigating the struggles and emotions in your life has distorted both your relationship and you. You might be ‘walking on eggshells’ and unable to fully express yourself. Though normally a calm person, you may feel resentful and rage at things that are ‘small’ but symbolic. You may feel hopeless and not know where to turn or how to find joy. You may resent or dislike your partner and have no idea what to do with that.

If these patterns sound familiar, then it may be a good time for some reflection and boundary resets. Are you living (and acting) in alignment with your most cherished values? Do you treat others (and particularly your partner) in ways you would like to be treated?

Your values are the core of who you are as a person. Once you are behaving in accordance with them you are more likely to ‘be you.’

If you wish to learn more about boundaries and values resets, consider our:

Couples Seminar (starts September 18) and/or ADHD & Marriage Consulting (registration is open. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar).

STARTING IN TWO DAYS - SEPTEMBER 18:

➤ ADHD Effect In-Depth LIVE Couples' Seminar - Wednesdays, Sept 18 to Nov 20, 2024 / 8pm ~ 9:40pm EASTERN time

No matter where you are in the world, you can take this seminar - Get the hope, information and the tools you need to move towards a HAPPIER, HEALTHIER & THRIVING RELATIONSHIP.

9 live lectures & Q&A 18 hours of live content by Zoom recordings of live lectures & Q&A 2 BONUS pre-recorded video lessons: Medications overview and Better organization w/ ADHD homework 2 surveys to collect ALL unasked questions 2 sets of insightful written answers to your questions

Only $299 - Register Now

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. THE NEXT LIVE SEMINAR STARTS SEPTEMBER 18, 2024. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (FULL) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (FULL) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. (REGISTRATION IS OPEN). We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on September 16, 2024 10:56

We All Fail…Then What? 

ADHD & Marriage News - September 11, 2024

Quote of the Week

“We will always make mistakes…the better way to address mistakes is to set up a system to catch mistakes before they can cause harm. When you send a signal that failure is not going to be tolerated it is not that the failures stop but that they stop being reported.”

- Amy Edmondson, who studies failure

We All Fail... Then What?

No one is perfect. Period. End of sentence.

So, it makes no sense to set up an environment where failure is met with negativity, such as a critique, disappointment, yelling, or rejection. Doing so, intentionally or unintentionally, can quickly lead to habits of coverups and lies.

I’m pretty confident that at least some of the non-ADHD partners reading this will say ‘my partner fails all the time and I don’t punish them.’ Is that true, though? Do you sigh or roll your eyes (signals of contempt). Instruct them in how to do better (humiliation)? Lose your temper (punishment of a different sort)? Tell them they can’t have (sex; your affection; time to play…) until they do better?

Others will say “I am completely open to my partner’s problems…and still they lie.” I view that as testament to the many types of ‘punishment’ ADHDers experience, as well as a lifetime of not doing as well as they had hoped.

Edmondson has studied how corporations handle failure and her findings were quite clear. Those that set up a no-fail policy were those who had bigger failures because people covered up and so things got much worse before they were discovered. Conversely, those that set up systems that accepted failure as part of the process and focused on improvement did much better.

Is there something to be learned for your relationship in her research?

STARTING NEXT WEEK - SEPTEMBER 18!

➤ ADHD Effect In-Depth LIVE Couples' Seminar - Wednesdays, Sept 18 to Nov 20, 2024 / 8pm to ~ 9:40pm EASTERN time

No matter where you are in the world, you can take this seminar - Get the hope, information and the tools you need to move towards a HAPPIER, HEALTHIER & THRIVING RELATIONSHIP.

Learn how to trust again Get out of destructive patterns such as parent/child dynamics and the chore wars Become closer than you have been in a long time, and find the joy and intimacy you miss Let go of your anger and frustration Move from “correcting problems” to “enjoying each other” Navigate and optimize ADHD treatments Tap into hope for your relationship Cope with having a partner who is not yet in control of their anger Improve your communication skills

September 11, 2001, is forever seared in our memories. We support families and friends who lost loved ones that day.

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. THE NEXT LIVE SEMINAR STARTS SEPTEMBER 18, 2024. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (FULL) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (FULL) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. REGISTRATION IS OPEN.

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on September 11, 2024 07:37

Resentment

ADHD & Marriage News - September 4, 2024

Quote of the Week

“Inherent in resentment is a perception of unfairness – you’re not getting the help, appreciation, consideration, affection, reward, or praise you deserve. … resentment is a defensive way of devaluing and mentally retaliating against those whom you perceive to be treating you unfairly…resentment is never specific and rarely goes away. It’s a generalized defense against unfair relationships or environments, not just certain behaviors. Hence, resentment persists despite changes in the behavior that may have stimulated it. Even if you apologize, I’ll resent that you didn’t do it sooner or that you weren’t sincere or contrite enough, because I’m pretty sure you’ll do it again in this unfair relationship or environment. Where anger is a tool to put out fires, resentment is more like a smoke alarm that’s always on, just in case a spark should ignite. Other people might think your resentment is about the past and urge you to ‘let it go.’ But resentment is really about the future…it seems to protect you from the danger of trusting again.”

- Steven Stosny

Resentment

I sometimes ask people to seek out the benefit of negative feelings they hold or coping strategies they employ. In the case of resentment, not only does holding onto resentment protect you from needing to be vulnerable, it also makes you feel more powerful. By devaluing the person you feel resentful towards you can make yourself feel better.

But…holding on to resentment hurts you. Because it keeps you from loving. In fact, in a different place, Stosny suggests that you can either hold onto your resentment or love another, but you can’t do both.

That’s an amazingly strong call to action to lean into confronting the resentment you hold and confronting the illusory power and protection it seems to grant.

Often, one of the first steps in letting go of resentment is owning your own role in your situation. For example:

I chose this partner in the first place, of my own free will I do parent my partner, even as I don’t like doing so I critique my partner and when I do so, he responds negatively to me, which I resent I don’t manage my ADHD symptoms as well as I could and ‘covering’ for me exhausts my partner, making him cranky

The second step to letting go of resentment may be allowing ‘I did the best I could do at the time’ or ‘we are doing the best we can do.’

There are more steps, but the first is most important.

Are you willing to choose the possibility of love over your resentment, and start owning your contribution to the unfairness in your relationship?

STARTING SEPTEMBER 18! ➤ ADHD Effect In-Depth LIVE Couples' Seminar - Wednesdays, Sept 18 to Nov 20, 2024 / 8pm to ~ 9:40pm EASTERN time No matter where you are in the world, you can take this seminar - Get the hope, information and the tools you need to move towards a HAPPIER, HEALTHIER & THRIVING RELATIONSHIP.

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Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. THE NEXT LIVE SEMINAR STARTS SEPTEMBER 18, 2024. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (THREE OCTOBER START DATES OPEN) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (FULL) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. REGISTRATION IS OPEN.

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

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ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.