Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 24
February 21, 2024
New Sleep Habits
Quote of the Week“90% of people with ADHD have sleep issues of some sort. Sleep deprivation interferes with creating and sustaining new habits because sleep is when the brain works on retention.”
- Jeremy Didier, LMSW, LMAC at 2022 CHADD conference
New Sleep HabitsSleep deprivation is a big, big deal when it comes to ADHD. It makes ADHD symptoms worse; it makes it harder to control your emotions; it diminishes your performance; and it interferes with becoming more reliable in your life and relationship by interfering with creating new habits.
Phew!
Sadly, (and inconveniently!) the majority of those with ADHD have significant sleep issues. Everything from natural diurnal clocks that don’t align with many jobs to sleep apnea and too much (exhausting) REM sleep. What do you do?
I have put together a list of ideas on the science of getting more sleep. I urge you to check out this blog post on how to get better sleep. It may help you create a more regular sleep schedule. If you try, and those ideas don’t work, consider going to a sleep specialist to see if you have a hard-to-notice sleep issue that can be corrected. I know one woman, for example, who just felt exhausted all the time. A sleep specialist diagnosed that not only did she have Sleep Apnea but that REM sleep was too large a portion of her sleep cycle. Since REM sleep is quite exhausting to the brain, this was contributing to her feeling constantly tired. The combination of a C-Pap machine and an anti-depressant (which diminishes REM sleep, as it turns out) has made a huge difference in her energy and ability to perform to the levels she chooses.
For those who sleep with a snoring partner, I’ve just discovered the joys of pink noise. You can get 12-hours of uninterrupted pink noise through Spotify that does a great job (at not a very high volume) of smoothing out the ‘bumpiness’ of snoring that wakes partners up.
Do you or your partner struggle with getting enough sleep? Take it seriously!
REGISTRATION OPEN, STARTING SOON:
➤ Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups - Limited to 10 participants. Two topics per day. Recorded for the confidential use of participants.
The objectives of the support group are to:
have you be part of a community of people exploring similar issues learn from each other's successes and struggles find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationshipResources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.)
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (Registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2024 Melissa Orlov
Emotional Regulation
Quote of the Week“…In this study, partners were randomly assigned to either engage in a task meant to reduce their energy needed for behavioral self-control… adults with ADHD appear to be more susceptible than adults without ADHD to discordant communication and problem solving with their partners during moments when their ability to inhibit aversive communication behavior is weakened. In summary, there is reason to suspect that emotion dysregulation, and lack of psychological resources needed to inhibit emotional reactions, increases risk of relationship problems among individuals with ADHD.”
- Wymbs et al, in a 2021 research study on relationship issues for adults with ADHD
Emotional RegulationSometimes research makes me laugh. Anyone who has been in ANY relationship doesn’t need a study to tell them that when you are emotionally and energetically depleted you don’t communicate as well!
And yet, I share this with you because it also provides insight into ways to improve communication. Specifically, depleted ADHD partners communicated worse than non-depleted ADHD partners as well as all non-ADHD partners in this research. If you want to have an important conversation, don’t initiate it during times of emotional or physical depletion.
Makes sense, right? But I’m willing to bet that without realizing it, non-ADHD partners assume that their ADHD partner can tolerate the same levels of depletion as they can. And according to this research, that’s not true. ADHD partners are MORE sensitive to the same amounts of depletion than others. Put in Ned Hallowell language, they already have weak brakes on that race car brain. Depletion may eliminate the brakes all together.
Equipped with this idea, why don’t the two of you spend this week looking for energy patterns in you both. Are you better in the morning or night? After work? Weekends? Before or after eating or exercise? What might you learn?
Could this impact the timing of when you have your next difficult conversation?
STARTING NEXT WEEK:
➤ Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups - The one hour Zoom group is limited to 10 participants - enough people to get a good conversation going, but not so many that you can't speak up. The group itself, or the group leader, picks a topic for the day. It will be recorded for the confidential use of participants in case they have a conflict.
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.)
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2024 Melissa Orlov
Light and Love
Quote of the Week“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
- Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King
Light and LoveI love this image as a call out for love, and want to pursue the analogy as it applies to ADHD-impacted relationships.
An important ray of light that is useful for both ADHD partners and non-ADHD partners is learning to be more self-compassionate. In doing so you shower yourself with love. When your inner hurt little child shows up, you can observe them and give them an internal hug. You can say ‘of course you couldn’t take care of this complicated issue when you were 8! It’s okay. I still love you.’ Or, perhaps, ‘you/I took an awful lot of criticism when I was growing up, and of course it hurts! I/you didn’t have the support needed back then to withstand the onslaught, and that little version of me deserves a hug.’
It takes hard work to tame the inner critic. But there are inspirational authors, as well as CBT and IFS therapists who can help you start the process. I also personally found the book Boundary Boss helps many women start to address some of these issues.
Removing your internal critic is a gift you give yourself, and well worth the effort. Do you know how you might start being self-compassionate?
➤ SPRING REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN! - non-ADHD partner support groups (starting in March and April)
Participants support each other, explore their biggest issues and most pressing problems, and get advice from the group leader - and from each other. Develop strategies for finding satisfaction and happiness as you explore how to traverse this complicated life you have.
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.)
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration now open for eight groups) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2024 Melissa Orlov
More on Women with ADHD
Quote of the Week“What has struck me with increasing frequency and conviction…is how much the way that women with ADHD struggle with cultural expectations is similar to the way that other women struggle with things such as growing older or body image. The challenge for all women is to break free from the cultural ideals they have internalized and begin to define for themselves what it truly means to be a competent and valuable woman, mother, or partner.”
- Sari Solden
More on Women with ADHDHave you ever thought “I need to do better!” in a self-judgmental way? If you don’t have ADHD, you probably can let that idea go and live your life – at least until the next time you do something you don’t love.
BUT, if you have ADHD, that feeling might be your life. Because you grew up being critiqued – a lot – and it hasn’t stopped. In fact, one of the harshest critics may well be your self-critic.
Research suggests that kids with ADHD get an astounding 20,000 additional critiques by the time they are 12 when compared to neurotypical kids. And think about who they are hanging out with – parents, friends, teachers, coaches, family. People whom they trust. No wonder those with ADHD, and women in particular, internalize a message that they just don’t measure up.
I observe that virtually ALL adults with ADHD have suffered these emotional wounds. Women, in particular, suffer. As expert Sari Solden notes, ‘women with ADHD spend years being dismissed, discounted, told they are overreacting, oversensitive or ditzy. They worry about whether or not they will be good enough mothers, are too sloppy, don’t make dinner at the right time, don’t clean up well enough…it’s a huge burden.’
Moving away from self-judgment can be difficult, but it can be done. Look for inspiration from ADHD authors, from success stories, and from seeking ways to develop more self-compassion. This last might need some assistance from close friends, through meditation, reflection, journaling, or even a professional.
ADHD or not, woman, man, non-binary or any other way you identify…you are worthy of love and healing of those wounds. I’m sending you a hug.
READ MORE:
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (Registration will open on THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 29, 2024 at 12:00 PM ET) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2024 Melissa Orlov
January 24, 2024
Navigating the Search for a Great ADHD Coach
Finding the right ADHD coach might seem overwhelming, especially with the unique challenges that come with ADHD. Clients have shared stories of their rabbit-hole searches before finding me, their detailed spreadsheets of coach comparisons, and the money they wasted on coaches they chose impulsively. To save you some time, here are the factors I encourage you to consider when searching for an ADHD coach.
1. Specialization in ADHDThe first crucial aspect is to ensure that the coach specializes in ADHD. While it may seem obvious, not all coaches are well-versed in the nuances of ADHD coaching. Coaching strategies differ significantly between individuals with ADHD and those without. For instance, addressing Executive Function challenges requires more tailored support. A coach specializing in ADHD understands that unfinished tasks don't necessarily reflect a lack of commitment but may indicate a need for additional tools. When seeking a coach, ensure they comprehend the unique aspects of ADHD
coaching.
Look for coaches who hold the International Coaching Federation (ICF) certification. This credential ensures that the coach has met specific educational requirements, passed a test, and demonstrated their coaching skills through a recorded session. In an industry where anyone can label themselves as a coach, ICF certification adds a layer of professionalism, values, and ethics to the coaching experience.
3. Philosophy about ADHDUnderstanding the coach's philosophy regarding ADHD is crucial. Different professionals in the industry have varying perspectives, from viewing ADHD as a gift to considering it a hindrance. It's essential to align yourself with a coach whose philosophy resonates with your own beliefs about ADHD. This alignment contributes to a stronger and more effective coaching relationship.
4. Coaching SystemsCoaches employ different systems for working with ADHD. Some follow structured programs with specific steps each week, while others offer more individualized approaches. Finding a coach whose system aligns with your learning preferences enhances the likelihood of a successful coaching experience. Consider whether you thrive in a more structured environment, prefer a personalized approach, or seek a combination of both.
5. Comfort LevelOne of the cornerstones of effective coaching is a strong and comfortable connection between the client and the coach. Coaching is designed to challenge and encourage personal growth, and for this to happen, clients must feel at ease being honest with their coach. It's essential to choose a coach with whom you can be open and genuine, fostering an environment conducive to achieving the desired results.
Be Sure To Think About Your Goals, too.When considering the points above, be sure to ask yourself what your goals for coaching are. Clearly understanding your goals is paramount when seeking an ADHD coach. Whether it's personal or professional development, support, accountability, or gaining a better understanding of your ADHD, communicating these objectives to your coach is vital. The more clarity you provide, the better your coach can tailor their approach to match your specific needs.
Additional QuestionsIn addition to the key considerations mentioned above, there are a few more questions
worth asking potential coaches:
In conclusion, the journey to finding the right ADHD coach may seem challenging, but by considering these factors and asking pertinent questions, you can navigate the process more effectively. Best of luck on your quest for your best ADHD coach!
Katherine Buoscio is a consultant with the ADHD & Marriage Consulting group. She specializes in helping clients with ADHD reach their aspirations through goal setting, skillsets, and mindset work.
Tags: ADHD coaching, find a coachDecember 28, 2023
What’s Your Untold Story?
Quote of the Week“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”
- Maya Angelou
What's Your Untold Story?I think most of us have untold stories inside of us. I was lucky in that I like to write, and get at least some of mine out in my work. I enjoy the process of thinking about what stories need to be told.
But I think there are other stories that are harder to access:
The pain of dreaming your life would be one way and having it turn out another About loneliness in a relationship, or not feeling seen The devastation of having ADHD and feeling misunderstood or judged by almost everyoneAngelou wasn’t just talking about hardship, of course. There are happy stories that need telling, too. The joy of seeing your daughter grow into an amazing person and knowing she’s going to be a great mom soon. Or how you grew to carve your special place in the world.
Connection is good for us all, and stories connect. Who can you connect with to share your stories that need telling?
IT'S NOT TOO LATE:
➤ ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Started February 13TH, but ALL sessions are recorded.
There are couples out there that think Valentine’s is a great holiday. But I don’t see many of them in my marriage consulting practice. Instead, right around February 15, I inevitably start fielding calls about hopelessness & disappointment. Is this you?
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration is open for seminar starting February 2024. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.)
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2024 Melissa Orlov
Own Your Needs
Quote of the Week“If you need something and it feels silly to need it, then own your silly need. Resist the urge to rationalize it away. Resist the urge to rationalize, period, if something doesn’t feel right."
- Carolyn Hax
Own Your NeedsAn interesting thing about the word ‘silly.’ It’s quite judgmental. And yet I am guessing we have all used this sort of judgmental language or thinking before. I know I have.
We all have needs and feelings. They are real. If you put them aside by calling them silly they don’t necessarily just go away. So then what?
We have a right to all of our feelings, including feeling that we need something. It is when we acknowledge and name whatever feeling we have (i.e. we ‘own’ it) that we can actually start to address it.
Please take a deep breath next time you judge a feeling as being silly, not worthy, awful, or any other adjective. Then, ask yourself what your feeling is telling you…underneath.
VALENTINE'S DAY IS NEXT WEEK - REIGNITE ROMANCE IN YOUR ADHD-IMPACTED RELATIONSHIP
When we marry, we hope to remain happily married until death, yet that is not the experience that most of us have. Committed relationships generally include plenty of significant bumps and bruises. - Turn your relationship around - learn communication techniques known to help couples impacted by ADHD
STARTING FEBRUARY 13TH REGISTER NOW ➤ ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar
- 9-week via Zoom.
- $299 for 18+ hours of content - that's less than $17 per hour per couple!
- Includes recordings, slides & live Q&As every week.
- NO spring seminar in 2024.
P.S. Consider putting a reminder into your cell phone (or two, or three!) that will remind you to do something special for your partner on Feb. 14. :)
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration is open for seminar starting February 2024. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2024 Melissa Orlov
Defensive
Quote of the Week“Someone gets defensive as a means of avoiding accountability and getting the other person to back off."
- Seth Meyers, PsyD
DefensiveOne of the biggest barriers to good communication between partners impacted by ADHD is defensiveness. And I hear about LOTS of it. That’s not surprising, given the nature of ADHD-impacted relationships. But what to do?
Here are some specific paths to pursue:
Defensiveness may be so severe that it actually indicates Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Read this article if you want to learn more and consider using some of the meds that tame this extreme sensitivity to perceived and real criticism. Defensiveness is often a response to a shame trigger. Shame is debilitating, and generally can only be addressed with professional assistance. One of the most effective types of therapy to address shame is Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS) Use Learning Conversations to explore repetitive emotional issues. (If you don’t know what these are, see The ADHD Effect on Marriage or my couple’s seminar). This structured conversation is harder to escalate and may help the partner avoid some or all of the shame Bulk conversations about task into a weekly task meeting. This diminishes the number of conversations around things not yet done that can trigger shame. Both partners can mentally prepare for the meeting, and thus bring their A game, with less likelihood of escalation
Need more ideas on how you and your partner can communicate BETTER?
LESS THAN TWO WEEKS: My 9-week couples seminar ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts February 13th. It's just $299 for 18+ hours of content - that's less than $17 per hour per couple for life-changing information! It is given by Zoom and includes slides and live Q&As every week. In it you'll learn how to turn your relationship around.
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed LIVE seminar STARTS FEBRUARY 13, 2024. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.)
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2024 Melissa Orlov
Living Successfully with ADHD
Quote of the Week
Please see below. Sari Solden is a successful professional who specializes in helping women with ADHD. Her description stands on its own.
Living Successfully with ADHD“What it does mean, for me, to live successfully with ADHD, is that I’ve found a way to move the focus of my life onto my strengths, my talents, and my abilities and to increase my choices and options. It means that through medication I am awake, alert, and able to maintain my energy and attention throughout most of the day. It means I can sort out my neurology from my psychology and figure out what things in my life I can change and what I just need to control or live with. It means that I’ve learned to separate out my strengths from my weaknesses and to embrace both of those as part of myself, even though it’s a long stretch. I’ve come to accept the fact that I do have deficits out of proportion with the rest of my abilities and that these do severely impact my life. I’ve learned to separate out the shame, embarrassment, and guilt surrounding these difficulties from my core sense of self. Now when my ADHD symptoms do appear, I don’t add to them a negative self-barrage that creates a downhill cycle.
I have learned that to be successful with ADHD you must eventually restructure your life. You move through Shame and Guilt and must ultimately redefine your sense of what it means to be a mature, confident, competent woman, even if after treatment you are still somewhat messy, disorganized, or forgetful. For me, it means I have learned to value myself as a creative woman who will never match some culturally sanctioned image I may have internalized a long time ago about what a woman should be or be able to do.”
- Sari Solden
REGISTRATION OPEN:
➤ Are you and your partner successfully managing ADHD? My ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar has changed the lives of many, many couples. It begins February 13, 2024.
➤ [image error] I share my insight in this Free Online Summit Release Your Past and Empower Your Future.
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration is open for seminar starting February 2024. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.)
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2024 Melissa Orlov
Hold Me
Quote of the Week“Hold me, don't hold me down."
- The Teskey Brothers
Hold MeI give a lot of thought to what affection is all about, and about how to help people learn to thrive. This lyric really caught my attention. Because it speaks to both our universal need for affection, as well as our need to have the space to be ourselves.
Both of these can be a challenge to locate in a struggling relationship, particularly one that feels chaotic. Because a more organized or anxious partner’s approach to taming chaos may be to wrap their arms around the mess and work to organize it…or, if you will, hold the person creating the chaos down. This doesn’t work in a healthy relationship.
On the other side of the story – some with ADHD interpret the need for freedom (‘not being held down’) as equivalent to doing whatever they wish to. This ‘let me be me’ approach doesn’t recognize the commitment they made to partner with their spouse in the burdens of daily life.
There is a middle ground. One in which ADHD partners step up to create the support structures needed to be reliable AND share their generosity and affection so the other partner feels loved. And in which non-ADHD partners are selective about where to hold the line, thus creating space for the natural ‘pinging about’ that comes with ADHD (pinging is not a technical term…just descriptive!)
No mistaking it, this is a hard balance to create. It takes patience and perseverance to find what works for both of you. But it can be done.
Where might you let go or step up to create a more balanced relationship?
Needing help with balance? REGISTRATION is OPEN for my premier live seminar: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Starting February 13, 2024.
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration is open for seminar starting February 13, 2024. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. (There will be NO spring seminar in 2024.)
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (full) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (full)- Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
New: ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2024 Melissa Orlov
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