Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 26

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

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Published on October 19, 2023 13:59

My Life’s Light

ADHD & Marriage News - October 19, 2023

Quote of the Week

“I will not allow my life’s light to be determined by the darkness around me."

-Sojourner Truth

My Life’s Light

There is what is inside you…and what is outside you. What of the outside will you take on? How much darkness? And how do you stoke the fires of your own light?

There is a willpower and determination to Sojourner Truth’s statement that I find inspiring and admire greatly.

In our world today, and perhaps in your relationship, there is plenty of darkness. We can surrender to the darkness surrounding us (rage, controlling behaviors, depression, pain, anxiety) or we can stand tall, set our boundaries and build our own life’s light from within.

Your strength does not come from others, nor from other’s opinions of you. Your strength is your ‘life’s light’ and it is only found inside you.

Are you pushing back against the darkness around you?

RECOMMENDATIONS:

➤ October is ADHD Awareness Month. Learn more. Here are my contributions on this site.

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

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Published on October 19, 2023 13:58

September 12, 2023

Unsafe

ADHD & Marriage News - October 14, 2023

Quote of the Week

“Often, playing, resting, saying no, slowing down, having fun, being imperfect, living in our bodies, feeling our emotions, and asking for help feel unsafe in the present because they were unsafe in the past."

-life coach Sarah Noble

Unsafe

I was struck by how true this statement is, particularly for people used to criticism in their lives. For ADHD partners, that Constant Critique (as Ned Hallowell calls it) comes early on. One research study suggests that children with ADHD are the recipients of 20,000 more critiques by the age of 12 than their neuro-typical counterparts. The hurt represented in that number is astounding.

Non-ADHD partners, and particularly women, have other issues that may have made their past impact their present moment, including our societally common concerns about female body image and, for some, asking for what one wants. Even strong women may give too much of themselves to others because they believe it is expected of them.

Where to go with all this pain? Creating a safe space for ourselves means learning self-compassion. Slowing down and giving oneself an internal hug. Allowing that our emotions may be messy, but that’s okay. Having the courage to confront the issues we bring forward with us from the past. It is important to learn to love ourselves, and make ourselves safe, one step at a time.

Are there parts of your past that deserve reflection and self-compassion?

RECOMMENDATIONS:

➤ I recommend this ADDitude webinar featuring a respected ADHD expert, Dr. Ari Tuckman: Nov. 9th - Executive Function Strategies to Externalize Time, Memory, Motivation

➤ October is ADHD Awareness Month. Learn more.

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on September 12, 2023 16:10

STARTING OCTOBER 4

ADHD & Marriage News - October 1, 2023

Quote of the Week

“For each of us there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free.

- Melody Beatty, in Co-Dependent No More

Letting Go

One of the great benefits to learning about ADHD in relationships is coming to understand that ‘parenting’ or trying to control a partner who has ADHD simply Does. Not. Work. It leads to resentment in both partners, animosity, escaping, anger, and more.

The only way to move out of this pattern is for both partners to acknowledge the harm caused by ‘over-functioning’ (non-ADHD partners) and ‘under-functioning’ (ADHD partners.). BOTH need to address the problem, rather than blame each other.

For the ADHD partner that means stepping up – engaging fully, and optimizing ADHD management (download my free treatment ebook from my home page). It’s a challenge, but definitely doable.

For the non-ADHD or more organized ADHD partner, it means stepping back and understanding it’s time to detach. That’s hard, too. But also doable.

Does the idea of letting go of control scare you? Do it in stages, alongside the ADHD partner’s skill building. You will NEVER be able to control another person’s ADHD…once you stop trying to do so you provide space to allow that partner to grow, find more satisfaction in their contribution, and feel more loved.

Seek support to let go of feelings of anxiety – my Couples Seminar, non-ADHD partner support groups and/or counseling may help. Learning more about boundaries certainly will.

What might both of you do next to lessening control/management dynamics in your relationship? If you need additional care and support to help make your relationship work, consider My ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar: LIVE Fall 2023 STARTS THIS WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4TH.

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live seminar starts October 4th.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on September 12, 2023 16:10

Err Again and Again

ADHD & Marriage News - September 26, 2023

Quote of the Week

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again."

- Theodore Roosevelt

Err Again and Again

I hope you are failing…at least once in a while! Because if you are, that means that you are pushing yourself to try new things – taking risks as you figure out what works and, sometimes, what doesn’t.

You cannot do this from the sidelines. Nor can you do this by ‘thinking’ about what you want. Intention is not the same thing as action.

As you think about managing your ADHD, or about moving away from parenting dynamics, or whatever task you have set yourself to, think ACTION. Set one action goal a day. Start small. ‘I will set a medical appointment today.’ Or, ‘I will get a notebook to put beside my bed so I can start my gratitude practice tonight.’

One thing every day turns into a lot of accomplishments in very short order!

Strive to do. Dare to come short…and learn from it…as you seek to improve your life!

STARTING IN ONE WEEK:

➤ My ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar: LIVE Fall 2023 starts Oct 4. Do you know how ADHD impacts relationships? If not, learning more can provide the hope you need to change your life.

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on September 12, 2023 16:09

Compassion

ADHD & Marriage News - September 21, 2023

Quote of the Week

“Compassion is an unstable emotion. It’s something that has to be exercised over and over again because it fluctuates. You can feel compassion for someone in the moment and then it sort of ebbs away, and then you have to come back and find a way to reclaim it again.

-Sheila Liming, author of Hanging Out: The Radical Power of Killing Time

Compassion

Our lives are healthiest when we have a network of connections, and friends are a hugely important part of that network (along with family, connections to organizations with purpose and more). When coupled, we sometimes don’t make enough time for our individual friends.

That’s a loss for you and for your friends. So, I urge you to take a few minutes right now and think about your closest friends. Have you reached out to them lately? If not, I urge you to take the next 15 minutes or more to reach out with a touch – large or small. Or, if you can’t, put a reminder in your calendar to do so at a later time.

➤ Starting October 4th - Need additional care and support to make your relationship work? Consider My ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar: LIVE Fall 2023.

➤ Read one participant's review of my couple's seminar.

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on September 12, 2023 16:08

Hope Can Heal

ADHD & Marriage News - September 12, 2023

Quote of the Week

“We are constantly balancing between hope and honesty. Where I come down on it is that I get reminded over and over again that hope has value in itself. Hope can heal.”

-Dr. Sanjay Gupta

Hope Can Heal

Partners struggling in ADHD-impacted relationships may feel hopeless. As a result, they have stopped trying and (often) slid into depression. From a practical standpoint, this has the effect of reinforcing their hopelessness – no work generally means no improvement.

One of the great benefits about finally finding out that ADHD is impacting your lives together is that it provides a reason for the issues you’ve faced, as well as a path out of the struggle. Importantly, the context that knowing about ADHD provides allows hope to reemerge.

Dr. Gupta notes ‘hope can heal.’ For me, it is that hope – and a knowable path - provide the energy and motivation for BOTH partners to begin the work they each need to do to change the patterns that have become so ingrained.

Do you know how ADHD impacts relationships? If not, learning more can provide the hope you need to change your life. Please consider:

➤ My ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar: LIVE Fall 2023 starts Oct 4.

➤ The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD books.

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on September 12, 2023 16:08

September 1, 2023

Yes I am Divorced...

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 09/01/2023. Start here

I have shared the news of my April, 2022 divorce with those taking my programs, but have not blogged about it until now. I wasn’t hiding, but I did want some time to get on my feet and to figure out whether, and how, my divorce might impact the work that I do with couples impacted by ADHD.

You may have questions. Weren’t you happy? Doing well? Were you lying to us? If you ended up divorced is there any hope for my own marriage? What happened?

First, the most important answer. Absolutely, there is most certainly hope for your relationship, particularly if you are both engaged in doing the work! I’ve observed this firsthand. Over and over. Finding out about ADHD can change everything by providing a path out of your struggles. My divorce doesn’t change your own chances of success at all.

As I reflect on what works, it is clear that improving knowledge about the patterns ADHD encourages in relationships, and finding tools you can both utilize to minimize or eliminate those patterns, are critical to improving one’s relationship. It is also clear that some couples have what I think of as a ‘core connection’. Even if that connection is completely covered by struggles, once they both start doing the work needed to reengage positively with each other, that core love kicks in and moves them along. It’s almost impossible to tell if that connection exists when couples start consulting…and yet, once they get going, there it is!

Conversely, if one of both partners refuse to engage with being their ‘best selves’ then not much changes and there is little likelihood of happiness. That’s not about ADHD. That is about willingness to see and own one’s contributions to a joint partnership, and act on what needs to be done to bring your best self forward.

Other factors are at play, as well. Research suggests only about 16% of married couples impacted by an affair will make it, for example. For couples who aren’t married, the rate of staying together is even lower.

Many of you know my story. I loved my partner deeply, and he me. But, ultimately, he did not make the commitment to monogamy that I needed to feel loved and safe.

Did ADHD play a factor? In some ways, it probably did. Reward-seeking, addictive tendencies and having difficulty facing the future outcome of one’s current actions are all associated with adult ADHD. But there was also much more which, for the sake of my ex’s privacy, I will not go into. And, even though the blame for our divorce remains asymmetrical, I contributed to our issues, particularly early in our relationship. It takes two.

What does this mean for the work that I do for couples? After all, one common message I hear is ‘your story gives me hope.’

The outcome of my marriage is, in fact, a success story. No one should stay in a marriage in which one partner is egregiously disregarding the most fundamental needs of the other. Feelings of love do not erase the fact that in my situation, divorce was exactly the right choice.

My work has been impacted for the better, I think. Let me give you just a few examples. I now include more information about how to align one’s boundaries with one’s values. This is an important part of aligning your own actions with what is most important to you as well as figuring out which battles are worth having. For women, in particular, it can help you move out of a ‘caregiver’ or rescuer mode, both of which are destructive to your relationship. I continue to focus on the idea that codependency, often in the parent/child dynamic, must be eliminated for both partners to be mentally healthy.

I also talk more about emotional dysregulation as a core part of ADHD (and what to do about it). It’s almost impossible to improve a relationship chronically destabilized by volatility, lies or shame.

And, when I believe either partner is in love with a ‘fantasy partner’ rather than their real partner, I spend more time urging them to see the partner and relationship they really have and use that at their starting point.

Of course, now I also have experienced the pain of continued deception and divorce, and the healing that must go on to recover from them both. Not every couple will make it. For better or worse, I now have at least one look at how ending a marriage feels from the inside out.

The effect that ADHD – and responses to ADHD - have on relationships continues to be huge. My work continues to resonate and be effective for couples in which both partners are willing to engage, and I have the great privilege to continue in the field…helping couples and mental health professionals learn how to get struggling relationships back on track.

Affair statistics: https://bestlifeonline.com/survive-an-affair-survey/

Tags: divorce, affair, reward seeking behavior

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Published on September 01, 2023 12:56

June 8, 2023

Friendships

ADHD & Marriage News - September 1, 2023

Quote of the Week

“I would suggest we should give our friendships as much weight as our other most important relationships...the fact that friendships are voluntary is what makes them so special…”

-Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, Jennifer Senior

Friendships

NEWS:

➤ Sometimes couples need additional care and support to help make their relationship work. My ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar: LIVE Fall 2023 starts Oct 4.

➤ Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups registration is open. Note: Only ONE group is open.

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on June 08, 2023 09:41

Saying No

ADHD & Marriage News - August 23, 2023

Quote of the Week

“Julia Louis-Drefus: “Is there something you would go back and tell your 21 year-old self?”

Jane Fonda: “No is a complete sentence.”

- From Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ podcast, Wiser than Me

Saying No

One of the benefits of age is wisdom – and I must say that it took me a very long time to learn this particular lesson.

How many women do I know who have trouble simply saying ‘no’ with no obligatory explanation, or without feeling guilt of some sort? For many, the idea that ‘no is a complete sentence’ is hard to learn. It was for me, though I have now figured this out and my life is better for it.

You have a right to say ‘no’ to anything you wish. Period. That said, if you do this all the time, it’s likely you are in a dictatorial position…and that may or may not be your desire.

Too many people are afraid to say no. Be kind and respectful – your partner deserves that simply because they are your partner. But do stand up for what you want in your life. The buck stops with you.

NEWS:

➤ Melissa teaches about how to align your actions with your values in her ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar: LIVE Fall 2023. Next session starts Oct 4.

➤ Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups registration is open. Note: five of the eight groups are now full.

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration is now open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.