Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 29
November 20, 2022
Adderall Shortage Hacks for Adults with ADHD
For those of you who are having trouble getting your Adderall prescription filled, here are some ideas that may help. Because I’m a relationship expert, and because medication changes can dramatically change how you interact with those around you, my first advice has to be about your most important relationships:
WARN YOUR PARTNER: Make sure to discuss with your partner that you are having trouble getting your medications. You may be more irritable, and your symptoms will likely be worse. Further, co-existing depression or anxiety may ramp up, too. Reassure your partner that this is a temporary situation, and enlist their patience and, perhaps, assistance during this time.
Consider setting a verbal cue for when you are emotionally escalated that allows each of you to take a time out before further escalation risks long-term injury to the relationship.
Ask your partner to be aware of your basic emotional mindset, particularly if you have a history of depression. In rare instances, some who suddenly cannot take their medication may become suicidal. Make sure your partner knows this and knows to take any suicidal ideation or comments you might make very seriously.
Medication HacksShort acting Adderall is harder to get than long-acting. Ask your doctor if you can have a prescription for Adderall XR for the duration of the shortage. To make sure this effort is worth it, you might call your pharmacist first to ask if they are able to get Adderall XR (or generics, see below).
Temporarily change to a different pharmacy, or a different location in your chain. You may be able to drive a distance to fulfill your prescription.
Change to generics. In some limited instances, pharmacies may be able to fill prescriptions for generics instead of name brand Adderall. Know that for some people, generics do not work as effectively as name brand Adderall. That said, some effectiveness is better than no medication at all.
Change back to an old medication. Particularly if you have tried other medications, such as Vyvanse, and found that they helped somewhat but not as much as Adderall, you may wish to talk with your doctor about a temporary switch back to something you took before. At least you will know what the dosing and potential side effects might be.
Change medications to a new medication. From my interactions with adults with ADHD, it seems as if one of the most common alternatives to Adderall is Vyvanse, as it is in the same class as Adderall (amphetamine). Other amphetamines that might work similarly for you include Evekeo, Adzenys XR, and Dynavel Oral. They have different ratios of medication in them, as well as different release mechanisms. For example, Vyvanse releases evenly, over time, making it feel ‘smoother’ to some people than Adderall. Adderall releases more medication up front (giving you a ‘bump of effectiveness as it ‘kicks in’.). It may not feel the same in the body, but it is possible that as a short-term alternative, another stimulant might be a good option. Talk with your doctor – it probably makes sense to stay with an amphetamine stimulant first, then perhaps a methylphenidate stimulant, since some of the other treatment options such as anti-depressants and Strattera have a build-up period and may be more difficult to discontinue. Remember, I am not a doctor - please talk with your doctor about your specific treatment options.
Non-medicinal optionsFor those who’ve found medications helpful, medications may remain one of the best aids for managing ADHD. But there are other strategies that help improve how your brain works, as well.
Sleep hygiene. Your sleep may be interrupted by the change in your brain chemistry that comes when you stop taking a medication. Try to fight this by 1.) setting a stricter schedule for going to bed which includes a non-electronics sleep ritual, such as reading a book (perhaps a boring one?!). 2.) as you get into bed, spend 4 minutes doing deep breathing. Place both feet on the floor, inhale slowly…hold your breath at the top…exhale slowly. Deep breathing is a known way to move your nervous system into its ‘rest and digest’ mode. 3.). Add a time-release 10 mg melatonin formula such as Better Sleep to your night regimen if you are having trouble sleeping. It might not help, but it may. If you are having trouble staying awake, consider increasing your exercise – at a minimum by adding walks outdoors.
Exercise. A disruption of your medication may leave you feeling anxious or depressed. Aerobic exercise has been shown in research to improve focus for several hours after you exercise. In addition, it is a great mood stabilizer. To help get motivated for exercise, consider enlisting a ‘buddy’ to exercise with. If that person is close, explain that this is part of your strategy to manage your life in a moment when you are not able to access your regular medications. You are seeking to do at least 30 minutes of sweat-inducing exercise a day because is important to your mental health and everyday functioning. This may help you enlist the buddy you need, even if that person is not a regular exerciser.
Add Pink, Brown or White noise to your office space and/or bedroom to calm your mind. Some research studies suggest that Pink and Brown noise, in particular, may assist in calming the ADHD brain (see this article for examples of each type of noise and more information). You can download apps or buy a machine to generate this noise.
Short-term delegation or delay. Consider delegating time consuming or boring tasks to others to accommodate the fact that it’s likely to take you longer to complete tasks than it does when you are medicated. Could you hire a weekly cleaning service for a month or two? Could you delay doing that complicated budget you agreed to do? Could the kids be in charge of doing the dishes for a month? Don’t be afraid to hire or ask for help for the short term and return to your duties when it’s easier to get your medication. The medication shortage is not a moral failure – it is a manufacturing issue that is negatively impacting you.
Tags: Adderall, brown noise, sleep, stimulants, medication, generics
November 9, 2022
Starting Tomorrow...
Quote of the Week“When your partner is in a state of disrepair, it’s a one-way street. Everybody gets this wrong. It’s not supposed to be “Well, these are your issues, here are mine.” When your partner is in disrepair, it’s like you are working at the customer-service window. Your partner says, “I want a new microwave.” They don’t want to hear that your toaster doesn’t work. They want you to fix their microwave. Later on, we can hear about your issue, but not then. The question of who’s right and who’s wrong is irrelevant. What matters is how we, as a team, are going to make this work for both of us.”
-Terrence Real
One Thing at a TimeHow many times have you felt unheard because your partner responded to a complaint of yours with a complaint of their own?! And how often have you done the same to your partner? (Be honest, now!)
Yeah, I recognized myself in this quote as well as most of the couples I’ve worked with.
But as is Real’s way, this is a lighthearted example for a really important habit partners create. When your partner comes to you, it’s not about you…it’s about them and their problem. Later it can be about you.
This replying to a complaint with a complaint is a hard habit to break. One way to do it is to have regular meetings (perhaps one hour per week) set aside to talk about emotional or relationship issues. The speaker gets a chance to really talk about their issue in-depth. Learning conversations can help because they are structured. Another would be to have a verbal cue that allows the initiating partner to communicate “hey – this is about my issue right now…we’ll talk about yours at another time!” asking the other partner to listen first.
Does thinking of yourself at the service window give you any ideas?
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ Don't Delay- Starting TOMORROW January 11, 2023 - REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 8 - Now 9 with same price - session Seminar - . This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
Podcast Naming Challenge!
I'm looking for some assistance coming up with a great name for a podcast with fellow ADHD relationship expert, Susan Tschudi. Not surprisingly, the podcast will be all about ADHD and relationships - primary partnerships as the focus, but also family, friendships and more. The tone will be friendly, with lively and informative conversations between Susan and me about important topics, plus regular guests, useful tips, and some topics based specifically in the real stories of struggling couples.
Can you help us create a great, catchy podcast title? If it helps, our initials happen to combine into MOST (Melissa Orlov and Susan Tschudi).
Please use this contact form to send your ideas (all are welcome!) by January 15. And thanks in advance for sharing your creativity with us!
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
Fear and Bravery
Quote of the Week“(Those who want to be braver need to remember that) feeling fear is not the opposite of being brave. It’s a necessary requirement for being brave.”
-Abigail Marsh, neuroscientist
Fear and BraveryMarsh gave a fascinating speech I attended a couple of months ago. The topic was the neuroscience of courage. It made me think of what it takes to be brave in a relationship. To address walking on eggshells; to initiate intimacy after years of a hiatus; to ask for counseling; to reach out and repair when you also feel shame. All of these are examples of being courageous in a relationship.
Fear is often present in these situations, most notably fear of failure, rejection or anger. But believing that one must feel safe in order to address these situations may invert the order of events – for one must be courageous to address difficult topics, and thus it is likely that one will feel fear. The safety comes after the courage, and because of the courage to be open and work things through.
That said, emotional dysregulation blows up a couple’s ability to utilize either partner’s willingness to reach out courageously, because acts of bravery such as reaching out or making oneself vulnerable may turn into acts of self-destruction when a triggered partner responds thoughtlessly. It’s one of the reasons that emotional dysregulation is often a bigger issue than classic ADHD symptoms in relationships.
The good news is that emotional dysregulation can be addressed in many people either with medication, therapy or both. There is often childhood trauma at the heart of emotional dysregulation.
If you are an emotionally dysregulated partner, make it a top priority to get that under control so that you both can head bravely towards a better future together. And remember – fear is part of the courageous acts needed to turn things around – including starting the process of managing your emotions.
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ STARTING THIS MONDAY - REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 9 session Seminar - Begins MARCH 13, 2023. This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
"We are in the best place we have ever been as a couple - and without your course we would never have managed that - in fact, without your course we wouldn't have managed to stay together...."
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS MARCH 13, 2023.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
The Brain Cannot Do Negatives!
Quote of the Week“You won’t be successful for very long if you try to stop yelling at work or at home. The frustration of trying to suppress the impulse to yell while focused on not yelling will likely make you yell more. That’s because the brain cannot do negatives; it must do something instead of what you don’t want to do. If you practice speaking to others respectfully, with sensitivity to their individual sensibilities, you will not yell at them and are far more likely to get cooperation from them.”
-Steven Stosny, PhD
The Brain Cannot Do Negatives!Okay, this concept is a biggie when it comes to ADHD-impacted relationships!
How many times have you said “I’ll try to stop (fill in the blank – yelling/being late/criticizing etc)?” You try and it works for a bit, but then comes back. The idea that our brains require us to replace a bad habit with a better one is critical to creating change that works.
This is one reason why the behavioral strategies for ADHD are so helpful. Rather than just ‘trying harder’ to be on time, a tardy person might set alarms and reminders to enable a different approach. Focusing on creating a habit of alarms is proactive, as well as effective. A partner who is wishing to be less critical, must practice being more positive (i.e. the thing that replaces the negativity) to be able to employ it more easily. Verbal cues for do-overs, gratitude and appreciation practices, and thinking about what one wishes to say ahead of time are all replacement strategies shown to help.
And, as Stosny points out, the benefit is both that you are working with your brain, and that you increase the likelihood that your partner will respond positively to you.
Where in your life might Stosny’s information about how the brain cannot do negatives help?
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 9 session Seminar - Tuesdays and 2 Mondays, 7:30pm EASTERN time.
MONDAY, March 13: Session 1: Optimizing ADHD treatment; Understanding the differences between you
TUESDAY, March 21: Session 2: Interpreting ADHD symptoms; Symptom/response/response cycles & how to interrupt them; Defensiveness & anger intro
Tues, March 28: *Break (No live lesson) – Please put in your calendars for catch up work
Tues, April 4: Session 3: Getting out of parent/child dynamics; The healing process; Setting boundaries
Tues, April 11: Session 4: NEW SESSION IN 2023! Dealing with strong emotions in ADHD-impacted relationships
Tues, April 18: Session 5: Communication strategies that work
Tues, April 25: Session 6: Getting away from fights and chore wars; Bonus video: Getting organized with ADHD–the emotional issues plus what works
Tues, May 2: Session 7: Difficult to understand behaviors: The skinny on lying, affairs, pornography, and more
MONDAY, May 8: Session 8: Rebuilding trust; the science of finding joy in your ADHD-impacted relationship
TUESDAY, May 16: Session 9: Conflict intimacy; sex and desire; setting personal boundaries; next steps
- For a more detailed curriculum, go to this page.
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS March 13, 2023.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (few openings) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (Spring 2023 Group - April 19, 2023 - June 7, 2023 - Registration open now!) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
A Good Man
Quote of the Week“What the society needs is not strong men, it's good men. And good men are not cruel on purpose. (These days) we are elevating a version of manhood that is completely inverted…”
-Jonah Goldberg, ex Fox anchor
A Good ManIn this speech Goldberg got me thinking about what makes a good man. We are all flawed to some degree, so putting someone on a pedestal here doesn’t really help. But here are some of the qualities I believe good people (men and women) possess. Note that this is a personal list, and I will soon ask you to consider your own:
Honest Loving, caring, kind, and thoughtful. Willing to do the work needed to balance their own needs and desires with those of others around them, including their partner Accepts responsibility when it is theirs and takes action to try to address issues Interested in engaging, or at least willing to engage when asked Has a sense of purpose Reaches out to connect with others and make a positive difference in the worldNow it’s your turn. How would you describe a good person?
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 9 session Seminar - Spring (March) 2023 Live Seminar
Begins Monday, March 13, 2023 / Live lessons are on Tuesdays (& 2 Mondays) 7:30pm ET. This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
Non-ADHD Support groups - Registration opened today Feb 8th. These fill up quickly
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS March 13, 2023.
Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open now) ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (Spring, April 2023 Group: April 19, 2023 - June 7, 2023)
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
‘No Idea’ is an Opportunity
Quote of the Week“Putting together a novel is essentially putting together the lives of strangers I’m coming to know. In some ways it’s not unlike putting together my own life. I think I know what I’m doing when in truth I have no idea.”
-Ann Patchett, These Precious Days
'No Idea' is an OpportunityI have spent quite a bit of time over the last year and a half contemplating the idea that the future is unknowable. I thought I knew where my life was going, with a really great bucket list and a partner I loved who seemed eager to share the journey. With effort many of you are familiar with, I thought I had been putting together my life as I wanted it, only to learn that none of us really know where life is going to take us, myself included. In relationships, in particular, we are only one half of the ‘putting together’ and that means we have less control than we might like to think.
As I start fresh as a now-divorced woman, I might find the idea that we don’t really control our lives depressing, but instead I find Patchett’s words oddly reassuring. She writes of coming to know one’s life in a way that makes me think of an unending opportunity to learn. To figure out oneself as she figures out her characters. To grow, and blossom as you go along. To become stronger and more fulfilled. She is not upset that she has ‘no idea’ what she is doing, only notes that many things are not knowable but can become familiar through experience.
Rather than being scary, I find the idea that ‘the future is unknowable’ is a call for acceptance – to let go of trying to control things, people’s experiences, and my own life’s specific direction in a ‘planning’ kind of way. Instead, I’m learning to accept all the present day has to offer, be less anxious about the future, trust others to contribute what they wish to (rather than what I ask of them), and to make each of my days as interesting, connected, and positive as possible.
If you accepted the idea that the future is unknowable and relaxed a bit more into today, what would happen? It’s a thorny question for many people struggling in ADHD-impacted relationships. The ups and downs of life together naturally produce anxiety and a desire to either control or escape, neither of which helps your relationship. Still, it’s a question worth asking.
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ The March non-ADHD partner support groups will open for registration on FEBRUARY 8. These groups fill very quickly, so please go to the non-ADHD support group page to see which dates and times might work for you, then return to the site on February 8 to register.
The next groups after this set will run in the Fall of 2023, so if you want this support please don't miss your chance to register.
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS Monday, March 13, 2023 - registration now open.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration opens Feb 8) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
The Courage of Everyday Heroism
Quote of the Week“You learn to overcome fear by slowly building new habits of exposing yourself to it a little bit at a time. You start small and practice staying calm. This is the basis of behavioral therapy. You train yourself to be calm on cue, then get little doses of what affects you.”
-Abigail Marsh, author of The Fear Factor: How One Emotion Connects Altruists, Psychopaths, and Everyone In-Between
The Courage of Everyday HeroismMarsh gave a lecture this summer (’22) on the topic of what it takes to be a hero and was interested to hear that heros share qualities of humility and honesty, and put great value on others. The person who runs to the burning car to pull out the crash victim is thinking first and foremost about that other person.
The question of the lecture was “how can the average person become more courageous?” and here is what Marsh says her research suggests:
Don’t try to eliminate fear. By engaging with fear you make it dominant. Instead, acknowledge the legitimacy of fear and move past it as you can. Develop a habit of pushing yourself to try things that you are nervous about (without being reckless) Seek to develop humility and turn your focus outside of yourself Practice gratitude to stay in touch with the world outside of you Seek out experiences that instill feelings of being one of a larger world – again, this brings you outside of yourself and into a state of greater humility Contemplate the acts of heroes around usThere are all sorts of reasons we might wish to develop courage – courage to keep on the path we’re on; courage to step off it; and everything in between. I hope Marsh’s thoughts give you some opportunity for reflection about your own life.
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ REGISTER NOW THERE'S STILL TIME TO JOIN MY ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 9 session Zoom Seminar - ONLY ONE SESSION HAS HAPPENED AND IT'S RECORDED - This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
ADHD Couples Palooza - January 20-22, 2023. Registration is free! My airdate is Friday, January 20TH, "Dealing with Emotional Volatility in ADHD-Impacted Relationships"
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
Normal Marital Hatred
Quote of the Week“The disillusionment phase (of a marriage) is critical. It’s the stuff of intimacy. It’s the collision of your imperfections and how we handle it. Our culture doesn’t equip people to deal with that disillusionment. It’s rough. It’s dark. I’ve run around the country for 20 years, talking about what I call “normal marital hatred” and not one person has ever come backstage to ask what I meant by that.”
-Terrence Real
Normal Marital HatredYou and your partner are different, and it makes sense that you would get on each other nerves after years of living together. Really get on each other’s nerves, at least some of the time!
Real calls this the ‘disillusionment phase’ of marriage. Sound familiar? The question is, what do you do with it? Couples who are able to be kind and honest about their difficult feelings are more likely to be able to build the intimacy that gets them through these dark times.
In my couples seminar I teach what’s called ‘conflict intimacy’ (session 9). The idea behind this form of communication is that each partner agrees to be neither aggressive nor defensive when they talk with each other, and to respect that no matter how much they disagree with what the other partner has to say, they have a right to hold that idea. This form of communication takes practice (like any other skill) but couples who are able to master this conversational skill find their relationships deepened in spite of their differences.
When you speak with your partner, would you describe yourself as neither aggressive nor defensive?
STARTING IN ONE WEEK:
➤ Begins January 11, 2023 - the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 8 - NOW 9 session - Seminar - NEW SESSION IN 2023 - Dealing with strong emotions in ADHD-impacted relationships.
This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. Register and learn more.
For a detailed curriculum, go to this page.
- Recordings will be accessible after each live lesson in case you miss any.
- NOTE: If you're not available for most of these live lessons, you can register today for the self-study seminar option: access the material now and start at your own pace!
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD
Downloadable chapters of my books
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues
A large number of blog posts on various topics
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2023 Melissa Orlov
The Important Person
Quote of the Week“Co-dependency is also about the other person’s responses becoming more important than your own needs. In your mind, that other person becomes more important than you.”
- A therapist I know
The Important PersonOne of the very difficult dynamics in relationships impacted by ADHD are those around emotional dysregulation in both partners. If you fear how your partner will respond, then you start revising how you approach that partner – distorting your ability to express your feelings and needs. After years of this, you may feel as if you have lost yourself in your relationship when, really, what you may be is co-dependent. You’ve put someone else’s responses ahead of your own needs.
I’m talking about a chronic condition, not about daily gifts of caring you might give to your partner. Co-dependency is about avoidance of asserting your needs to appease another or avoid conflict, and about supporting behaviors (such as alcoholism, addictions or physical abuse). Giving the gift of love is about getting your needs met AND being able to do special (healthy) things for your partner because you care.
If you wish to explore co-dependency more, try Melody Beatty’s The New Co-Dependency or try reading a good book on creating better boundaries, such as Boundary Boss by Teri Cole (one of my favorite books for couples impacted by ADHD.)
NEWS and EVENTS:
Speaking of giving the gift of love, consider enrolling in my Live Seminar! Now, 9 sessions!
➤ REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 8 9 session Seminar - Begins January 11, 2023. This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
9 regular sessions of a live lecture and Q&A
Access to recordings of the live lectures and Q&A
2 BONUS pre-recorded video lessons: Medications overview; Better organization with ADHD
Optional homework and readings*
3 surveys to collect ALL questions not asked in the live Q&As
3 sets of insightful written answers to your questions
Wishing you a healthy, happy Holiday Season!
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2022 Melissa Orlov
Resistance
Quote of the Week“What you resist, persists.”
-Al-Anon
ResistanceHave you ever noticed how the thing you want to most forget is the thing you can’t stop thinking about? Or how if you dread running into someone on the street and think about that you find your dread growing?
This is, in part, because of how our brains work. If you think about something that is intensely emotional for you, your brain experiences it as if you are going through that thing – making it more real for you, rather than helping you let it go. What you resist, persists.
Counselors sometimes talk about letting difficult emotions flow through you – advice that I have found very useful. Acknowledge the grief or fear that you feel – name that it is there – without resisting it and making your mind dwell on it. Think to yourself – this is something I am feeling and it makes sense that I am feeling it. As an emotion, it will eventually die down again.
Another approach is to stop engaging with the emotion and creating a plan for when the emotion shows up again that will allow you to move on. For example, if you fear running into someone you know on the street, don’t focus on that fear but, rather, on your plan to hold your head high and walk on by. Knowing how to address the event, should it happen, allows you to address or move away from the fear rather than resist it.
In a practical sense, if you resist hearing your partner’s point of view they will likely feel dissatisfied and come back at you later to try to get you to listen better. Though not always easy, it is simpler to listen and reflect the first time around, avoiding the frustration and anger that may come with your resistance.
Are you resisting in ways that make your situation worse?
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ REGISTER NOW for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 8 session Seminar - Begins January 11, 2023 - Wednesdays* @ 8:00pm Eastern Time (*exception: Session 4 is a Tuesday). This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (Registration open for Jan-Mar 2023 Group) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
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