Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 33
February 10, 2022
Is ADHD Impacting My Relationship? Your Questions Answered
Start here
Finding out that ADHD is impacting your relationship is actually good news. You’ve had the symptoms and patterns for a while now, and may have wondered why the same things keep happening over and over. Once you know more, you can make huge shifts in how you interact with each other. So let’s start…here are answers to questions couples ask when they’re just finding out about ADHD and relationships:
How do we know if ADHD might be present in our relationship?
There are some telltale signs which, if you have them in your relationship, suggest you should learn more about adult ADHD. Read my blog post Six Signs that ADHD May Be Part of Your Marriage for more information.
Is it all about ADHD? It seems as if my partner is often angry and has their own issues!
No, it’s definitely not just about ADHD. It’s about the presence of ADHD symptomatic behaviors plus the other partner’s responses to those symptoms (as well as anything else you each bring to your relationship from your childhood, etc.). These interactions create surprisingly predictable patterns between partners when ADHD is present. Read my post The Surprising Ways ADHD Symptoms Affect Your Marriage.
I’m taking medication for ADHD. Isn’t that enough?
There is a saying in the ADHD world that ‘pills don’t teach skills.’ Medications have some of the best effect sizes for managing ADHD, and most adults can find medication(s) that significantly improve their symptoms. But research shows over and over that medication alone is not optimal. Not only are the additional ways to help manage your unique ADHD brain (such as better sleep hygiene and exercise) what you do with improved focus is important. You want to use ADHD-friendly strategies that allow you to apply your improved focus and calmer demeanor to your everyday life and behaviors. That is what improves your life and your relationship.
Partners have an important role to play, too, with how they respond to ADHD symptoms that persist, manage their frustration and anger, and more. Download a copy of my free treatment guide from the home page for more information about how to optimize treatment of adult ADHD using all three legs of treatment, and find information about the effect size of specific treatment options, including medication at The Best Treatments for ADHD and What Doesn’t Work.
I feel I can’t trust my partner to follow through, which I hate, and which makes me feel resentful. Is that part of the impact of ADHD?
Yes. I call that parent-child dynamics and write about it more extensively in both of my books (The ADHD Effect on Marriage and The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD). In a nutshell, the more organized partner takes on too much responsibility in the relationship (over-functioning), while the less organized or reliable partner becomes a ‘less than’ partner (under-functioning). It is a highly destructive pattern that lessens connection, increases resentment and anger, puts one partner above the other one, and kills your sex life. When I work with couples, it’s one of the first things I ask them to tackle. If you have (or suspect you have) ADHD, you might want to read What Does the “Child” Role Look Like in Parent/Child Dynamics? For both of you, here are some Tips for Becoming Independent of Parent/Child Dynamics.
My partner doesn’t want to think about the possibility of ADHD right now. What do I do?
It still makes sense to learn more and start to work on those things that are in your own side of the relationship. For example, learning how to correctly interpret ADHD symptoms is always better than not doing so. Eventually, you both definitely need to engage with this issue to succeed in turning things around. As you learn more, perhaps you will find a compelling way to engage your partner productively.
Where can I learn more about how ADHD impacts relationships?
This website has an extensive resources about how to deal with ADHD in relationships -probably the most extensive in the world. Take a look at the offerings, including:
The ADHD Effect on Marriage and The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD, my two award-winning books on the topic
My highly regarded 8-week couples seminar, given live by Zoom. The next seminars will start on March 16, 2022 and in the Fall of 2022. There is also a self-study version for those who don’t wish to take it live.
Support groups for non-ADHD partners
My blog (start in ‘start here’!)
A suggested reading list for issues couples face, such as codependency, anger, sex and more
Note that I also host a forum, about which I will provide a warning – there are many distressed people who post about their experiences in this forum. It can be a difficult place to traverse, particularly for ADHD partners. However, it does provide a place to get the online support and input of others, as well as learn more about the daily experiences of people struggling in ADHD-impacted relationships.
January 4, 2022
Free Choice
Quote of the Week
“Knowing that we can live without someone does not mean we have to live without that person, but it may free us to love and live in ways that work”
- Melodie Beatty
Free Choice
Factually, most of us could live without our significant others (once the pain of initiating that passed). Which is not to say we want to, only that we could. Beatty suggests that admitting this can free us to make decisions that better align us with what we really want.
Not to get morbid, but it’s a bit like grappling with death. Death is a part of life, and once you accept that, you may feel freer to make your best choices today – after all, some day you will die…why wait?
I think this is what Beatty is trying to convey here. Internalizing that staying with our partner is always a choice compels us to think more carefully about finding joy today, right now. We make this choice…we therefore have a responsibility to make the most of that choice.
Or…we feel trapped and that ‘knowledge’ leads to despair, depression and loss. This is when the relationship becomes more important than the individuals in it, which almost always results in an unhealthy relationship.
Would accept that staying is a choice you make everyday help you be more positive with your partner?
NEWS and EVENTS:
STARTING NEXT WEEK, MARCH 16, 2022 - LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar
ADHD WOMEN'S PALOOZA, MARCH 14-19, 2022 - MY PRESENTATION: Boundaries: the Key to Successful ADHD Relationships is on March 17th
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS MARCH 16, 2022. Registration is now open.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2022 Melissa Orlov
The skill of resilience
Quote of the Week
“Resilience means refusing to be the victim. Resilience means choosing to spend energy on finding a solution, rather than blaming others or (yourself). Resilience is a skill, which means people can get better at it.”
- Francoise Adan
The skill of resilience
Don’t you love the idea of refusing to be the victim? And the proactive idea of expending your energy where it can make the most difference – on finding a solution?
But what I find most interesting in this quote is the idea that resilience is a skill at which you can improve. What does that skill-building look like in real life? Here are just a few examples:
Observing that when you start to feel agitated in your hurt that going for a short hike can reset your mood, and then taking those hikes when you need them
Seeking out a good counselor to work with in a crisis so you get the support you need to grow strong again
Creating a plan to move you out of a bad situation, then implementing that plan step by step
Saying ‘no’ to those who would push you in a direction that continues your hurt
Creating a gratitude practice to help you align with feelings of strength and positivity
Improving your sleep regimen so you finally get the 7.5 hours of sleep a night you need in order to perform your best
There are many more. Are you focused on solutions, or blame?
NEWS and EVENTS:
STARTING - in 2 weeks - MARCH 16, 2022 - LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar . Does this seminar help? Check out the testimonials.
ONGOING - Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar
Excited to be quoted in this very good New York Times article on ADHD.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS March 16, 2022. Registration is now open.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2022 Melissa Orlov
Are you a rescuer?
Quote of the Week
“Sometimes we rescue because it’s easier than dealing with the discomfort and awkwardness of facing other people’s unsolved problems. We haven’t learned to say, “It’s too bad you’re having that problem. What do you need from me?” We’ve learned to say, “Here. Let me do that for you.””
- Melody Beatty
Are you a rescuer?
I’m not sure I need to go into the myriad ways that partners feel it’s necessary or desirable to rescue each other. In ADHD-impacted relationships this is complicated for the more organized partners by the nagging feeling that if they observe, rather than rescue, something will drop into their lap at an inconvenient time.
But while rescuing feels like help, it is really a form of critique. “Here, let me jump in…(because I don’t trust you can do this on your own).” Instead of trying to solve a problem FOR your partner, work to find constructive ways to solve a problem WITH your partner. That probably means creating completely new ways to interact – ways that take ADHD symptoms into account, including managing them as well as possible and finding ADHD-friendly ways to do things. Focus on improving things that are really, truly important to you.
And a good addition to your relationship arsenal is Beatty’s comment and question: “It’s too bad you’re having that problem. What do you need from me?”
NEWS and EVENTS:
STARTING MARCH 16, 2022 - LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar
ONGOING - Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar
Valentine's Day webinar - February 16, 2022, 7:30 – 09:00 EST, I share the effect of ADHD on relationships and how to start improving your connection with your partner. Get your questions answered during Q&A!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS MARCH 16, 2022. Registration is now open.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2022 Melissa Orlov
Negative Emotions
Quote of the Week
“If you bottle up negative emotions…then you haven’t processed what you need to process. What we know clearly from the research is that whatever you resist grows stronger.”
- Kristen Neff
Negative Emotions
Here’s another way to put this idea. Whatever you bottle up inside you festers. You move from fear to resentment, and from resentment to outright hostility unless you address that resentment. Or if the emotion is anxiety, you might move from mild anxiety to stronger, to outright panic.
Pain and negative emotions are best managed by allowing them to flow through you. By acknowledging those emotions – noticing them – and also understanding that they need not be permanent. The more you expose them to the light, the more likely you will be to be able to understand their underpinnings and respond in ways that weaken their power over you.
One way to do this is to use a therapist who understands the pressures of ADHD (I have a resource page that may be of help). Another is to create interactions between you and your partner that help bring issues to light. That might be a weekly ‘emotions’ meeting; it might be couples counseling; it might be doing a daily exercise in which you complete the sentence “The most important thing you need to know about me is…” while the other person simply listens and learns. (This last is a great way to speak your anxiety before it takes you hostage.)
Whatever your method, please consider how you might be able to bring negative emotions to light in a constructive way and stop being a victim to their festering inside you.
NEWS and EVENTS:
STARTING MARCH 12, 2022 - LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN. If you wish to be notified of future live seminars, please put your name on our seminar notification list. The next live seminar will begin in the Fall of 2022
ONGOING - Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS MARCH 12, 2022. Registration is now open.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2022 Melissa Orlov
Win and…
Quote of the Week
“Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn.”
- sign in a Wooboi restroom
Win and ....
Could there be anything healthier for a relationship than thinking of every setback as an opportunity to learn?! This sort of forward-thinking attitude is how we grow, and it has the chance to move you into new…and better…territory in your relationship.
The old zero-sum idea of win or lose just doesn’t fit when you are talking about two people who are supposed to be partners. It also doesn’t support the sort of experimentation that couples impacted by ADHD must use to find out what works for them. Some common opportunities to learn:
You start taking ADHD meds for the first time and the effect is underwhelming. While that’s disappointing, you learn you need a higher dose or different medication.
You set up a verbal cue and then your partner blows past it during an emotional moment. You learn that the two of you need a more unusual word, or perhaps a different approach.
You start tracking a behavior you want to change and realize you do it more than you thought. You learn that you need to take your partner’s complaints about it more seriously, and you need a real plan to create change.
You start an exercise routine and learn that you feel energized after about 30 minutes. (Yep, that’s a win…couldn’t resist!)
What setbacks could you be learning from?
STARTING TOMORROW - JANUARY 19, 2022 - LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now! My 8-session seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 19, 2022
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2022 Melissa Orlov
Understanding?
Quote of the Week
“You don’t have to understand life. You just have to live it.”
- From the book, The Midnight Library
Understanding?
There are some things about my life, and about my partner’s behavior, that I simply will never fully comprehend. I’m not sure he will, either. As a person who seeks to not only understand, but share that understanding with many thousands of others, this presents a conundrum. Do I continue to try to understand, or do I just accept?
The reality in my own situation is that the chaos created by the contradictions in my life (affairs vs. loving each other; paying attention sometimes but not others; lying vs. truthfulness; joy vs. secrets; completion vs. feelings of emptiness) is not fully distillable. And one of the things that I have to come to terms with is that I will likely never really understand all the chaos. Yes, ADHD and responses to ADHD play a role, for sure. But we are none of us just about the ADHD in our relationships. We are complex, mixed up, happy, fearful, proud, shamed, honest, dishonest. We have histories of complex attachments and abandonments that we bring with us. Love and failure.
I like to joke that I often make a soup that I call ‘meal of the week in review.’ A day in my life is more like ‘all of my life in review.’ What I strive for is to be able to add color and healthiness and great ‘vegetables and meat’ to that soup as I move forward.
You don’t have to understand it all to succeed. But you do need to grab your life with gusto and LIVE IT.
STARTING NEXT WEEK - JANUARY 19, 2022 - LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar Give each other the gift of love!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 19, 2022. DON'T MISS IT!
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2022 Melissa Orlov
What to attack
Quote of the Week
“I attack ideas, I don’t attack people. Some very good people have some very bad ideas.”
- Antonin Scalia
What to Attack
One of the things that always confounded me with George was the fact that he so closely linked ideas that I had to him as a person. Once he told me “You showed me you didn’t love me by telling me you didn’t like having so many bikes in the garage.” Huh?! The fact that I complained that I didn’t like not being able to get my car in the garage because it stored at least 15 bikes, 40 spare wheels and lots of other assorted stuff didn’t have anything to do with love…it had to do with stuff that he wasn’t using but had trouble getting rid of.
This may be an element of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria for some, and one insight into why partners with ADHD may be so easily triggered.
In the bicycle case, it wasn’t my actions that made him feel bad, just my opinion. I rode bikes with him often, left my car (not his) in the driveway to accommodate his bike passion, and learned not to comment often. (Yes, sometimes the fact that bikes he hadn’t ridden for 10 years took precedence over my comfort did bug me and I did complain…I am human after all, but…largely not.)
It may be helpful for you and your partner to have a conversation around any links there might be between ideas and people. Because they are not the same, and being able to clarify that good people can still disagree without being bad people is an important idea.
NEWS and EVENTS:
New Year - Renewed Romance!
STARTING JANUARY 19, 2022 - LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar
"This course gave my husband and me the breakthrough we so desperately needed."
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 19, 2022.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2022 Melissa Orlov
November 19, 2021
Happy Holidays
Quote of the Week
“Never throw mud: you can miss the target, but your hands will remain dirty.”
- Dorothy Parker
Throwing Mud
I am not sure I need to say a ton about this quote other than to encourage you to do everything you can to remain respectful with your partner and express your feelings in a way that reflect the good person you wish to be.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS: May the good times and treasures of the present become the golden memories of tomorrow. Wishing you lots of love, joy, and happiness.
5 Tips for Having the Happiest Holiday Ever
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS JANUARY 19, 2022. Registration is now open.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
Understanding
Quote of the Week
“A search for understanding tends to open one’s eyes rather than close them.”
- Jasper Johns
Understanding
I always admire those partners who are out trying to understand why their lives look the way they do. And I am honored to be able to help people understand the ins and outs of The ADHD Effect on their relationships.
I feel happiest when I glimpse that ‘aha’ moment when a partner says “Wow, this explains so much! And I need to start taking responsibility for my own part. I finally feel hope again that I have the ability to impact what’s going on.”
Some partners are resistant to searching for understanding because it feels threatening – as if opening up to new ideas might lay all the blame for relationship ills at their feet (never true) or because it might be frightening to confront the impact of their anger or symptoms.
If you’re in that group, have faith. There is so much now known about how to improve relationships impacted by ADHD (and responses to ADHD) that chances are good that if you open your eyes you will end up ahead of where you are.
If you are resistant to the idea that ADHD has an impact, what is that resistance based upon?
NEWS and EVENTS:
STARTING JANUARY 11, 2022 - Non-ADHD Partner Support Group, RETURNING PARTICIPANT GROUP 10:00am, A 7-week session
STARTING JANUARY 19, 2022 - LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar
ONGOING - Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 19, 2022. Registration is now open.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
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