Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 37
April 12, 2021
Adventures with ADHD: Chakra Rock Down the Hatch
Joy in Marriages with ADHDADHD Voices
I may have accidentally swallowed a rock this morning, the husband calls from work one day to tell me. The back-story to this event is that he puts all of his daily pills (vitamins, ADHD meds, etc.) loose in his pants pocket each morning. … I know! I hear your many exclamations loud and clear, my fellow anxious (and therefore thinking-ahead) humans. Don’t think I haven’t offered everything from cautious concern to an outright declaration of the danger and absurdity of this habit, among others! While I’m sharing, you may as well know that he also puts multiple types of pills into unlabeled or mislabeled bottles together. Nowadays I mostly swallow my thoughts on this, before they can even make it to the tip of my tongue. And don’t worry; there are no children in our home who might suffer the obvious consequences of such outrageous behavior. His three daughters managed to grow up generally unscathed somehow.
The story goes that he also keeps a handful of tiny chakra rocks in his pocket. Chakra rocks? What?! This was also news to me that day. Well, not the chakra rocks, but their location.
I guess I’d better back up a bit more.
My husband has taken to practicing meditation as part of his mostly admirable attempts to be more self-aware. He typically uses one of those guided meditation apps one finds for free on the app store. He has surprised me by randomly trying to pronounce names of various chakras in some other language several times after these meditations. I have, of course, heard of chakras, but I don’t really know anything about them. Yet he was unaccountably interested, so I took notice, because Noticing is one of my anxiety-related superpowers. (And NOT-Noticing is one of his ADD-related superpowers which alternately benefits or frustrates me.) So. One day while shopping for my niece’s birthday, I wandered into a local shop, one of those that deals in crystals, incense, Buddhas, and the like. I am a person whose sense of smell is uncomfortably, crazy-sensitive, so the throat-clogging scents of sandalwood and patchouli were just bearable through my covid-mask lined with a coarse, brown, coffee filter. Trying to breathe as little as possible, I wandered through the books, rocks and crystals, noting a bowl of tiny satiny bags filled with colorful, polished, rocks, complete with a minutely printed description of how each rock represents a different chakra. Though I knew he wouldn't put on his reading glasses to actually read the fine print, I impulsively bought the set of chakra rocks for him anyway. He received them later in a somewhat bemused and underwhelmed manner, and I expected the little rocks to spend the rest of their days in his dresser drawer. However, that was not at all what happened.
Instead, weeks later, I learned that these little rocks had been traveling (not in their little satiny bag) to and fro in his pocket, along with… you know it… his daily pills. Anyone with a light on in their brains could have predicted what came next. Am I doubting his intelligence? Not at all. My husband is smart, creative, and talented. He has many stellar qualities. He also has ADHD and despite his medication, he still manages to blow my anxious mind on a semi-regular basis. This latest feat affected me not in the least, and so I could freely laugh with him, (okay, a teensy bit AT him,) rather than panic and worry. Plenty of panic and worry scenarios are sprinkled throughout our lives together. He says he is not entirely sure, but one of his chakra rocks is missing (what a “shock!”) and he thinks he may have swallowed it with his pills.
Maybe the rock will seek out whichever chakra in his body that it matches and stay there. Maybe it will make an uncomfortably bejeweled exit at some point. Maybe we will never know what became of it. But I can predict with a fair amount of confidence that it won’t be the last time he swallows a chakra rock. One of my many (concerned but loving) observations of this man is that it often takes multiple consequences before a lesson is learned. But who knows? Maybe by now he’s “chock” full of “chakra” rocks, and with his chakras now properly aligned, he can move on to the next phase of his enlightenment.
Tahlia Miller lives in west Michigan with her husband who has ADHD. Like many other couples, their marriage has been impacted both positively and negatively by his ADHD, but also by Tahlia's anxiety disorder. Both Tahlia and her husband are educators.
Tags: ADHD medication, anxiety
March 19, 2021
My Partner Doesn't Reach Out To Connect
Communication Tips with ADHD
“My partner doesn’t seem to reach out to connect to me, and as a result I don’t feel we have as strong a relationship as we could. For example, I'll ask him tons of questions about his childhood and he doesn't even care to say, "What about you?" Is that common for ADHD? He is the kindest man I know, but his lack of curiosity feels depressing to me.”
There are many things that could be going on here – from anger or a sense that connecting with a partner feels unsafe, to distraction, to a simple lack of awareness. I’m going to answer by assuming that the relationship is relatively calm, but that the ADHD partner is not tuned into the desires for greater connection that the other partner holds.
Those with ADHD may be socially awkward or seem to lack curiosity about their partners. Further, research suggests that people with ADHD have difficulty reading emotional cues from others. So, you might be exuding something like "I really want to engage" and he might not sense that. In addition, my observation is that many men have not been taught to delve deeply into emotions with their partners. This is a skills issue, largely based in an American social construct that says that men should suck it up and deal with stuff and that showing or exploring emotions may be a sign of weakness, vs. women who are encouraged to explore the world of emotions and are given lots of practice in those skills.
My suggests are these:
Don't expect your ADHD partner to lead on emotional issues or to anticipate what your emotions are or when he should respond. Instead, invite him into emotional conversations overtly. Look for the ability to respond to your invitation as the goal. So, for example, after you’ve asked him about his family, you could transition to talking about your own family by saying “That makes me think of my own family situation…” or “Now that I’ve asked you a lot of questions about your family, what questions do you have about mine?”
If he has trouble responding or being able to talk about his own feelings within the context of a conversation, invite him to work on better understanding his feelings and using words to explain them. Be patient, open and inviting. Don't judge him for using words you might not choose or for being slow to be able to name what he's feeling. Ask him to look underneath his initial ideas, perhaps with the simply question "what's underneath that feeling?" Responding to and verbalizing emotions takes practice.
Respect that your partner is the expert in what he's thinking/feeling. And that he may well not talk about it the way you would. If you don't understand where he's coming from, ask questions, but don't correct or try to 'steer' how he feels to something that feels more comfortable for you. His feelings and ideas are his own.
Your partner may not feel a spontaneous need to connect, particularly verbally. But that doesn't mean he can't responsively connect with you. Look for ways for connection to feel safe to you both, as well as making interacting appealing with positive feedback, invitations to connect, and planning times when you can have fun doing things together ('fun' seems a particularly good way to start the reconnection process with partners who have ADHD.) Rebuilding connections when there have been relationship issues take rebuilding trust and calming the relationship...so it can take time. But if your husband is 'the kindest man you know' then you both have a lot to work with and admire. Open up and see if you can have some fun with him.
And remember, there are many ways to connect and know you are loved. Make sure to create time in your relationship for 'attend time' (time when you are focused only on each other, with no other distractions); for having fun and 'playing' together; and for sharing all that you are grateful for with each other.
Tags: communication, connection
February 1, 2021
Is CBD Oil a Good Treatment for ADHD?
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
Many are looking for non-medicinal ways to manage ADHD, so I get questions about CBD oil all the time. While there are research-proven treatments for ADHD that don't involved medications, CBD oil isn't one of them. ADDitude Magazine just updated a really good write up of the pros and cons of CBD, and while it's 'natural' it can have specific, and sometimes serious side effects.
When considering which ways you will use to treat ADHD, always think in terms of target symptoms and then fitting the management tool to the specific symptom. As an example, the most effective way to manage distractibility and focus is medications, but you can also use exercise and sleep improvements, too. If you are trying to work on time management and task management, coaching is one of the best options. You can get more information about how this works in my free, downloadable treatment e-book, which you can find on the home page.
For information on the relative effectiveness of various treatments, see this page on effect size.
Tags: CBD, non-medicinal treatments, effect size, target symptoms
January 25, 2021
The Joys of (Sometimes) Living in the Moment
The Joys of (Sometimes) Living in the Moment
When it comes to living in the present moment, people with ADHD are to be envied. This is how most of them live – often to the exclusion of planning for the future or (sometimes) remembering well the past.
A writer for ADDitude, Emily Chen, has described living in the moment (with ADHD) and her heart, mind, and body as cats. She explains how sometimes they’re all super excited, playfully pouncing here and there in pursuit of prey. During those times, she feels invincible — like anything is possible.
This is an interesting take on accepting and finding gratitude in the moment. What if you chose to be open to what could happen in that present moment, and learn to celebrate it as well? And, for non-ADHD partners…let go of the other, non-present moments?
There is joy in this sort of living. Living this way ALL the time can cause problems if you don’t have a really great support system (i.e. not paying taxes because you are too busy being in the moment doesn’t turn out well unless someone else does them for you…) and ADHD ‘living in the now’ vs. non-ADHD partner ‘planning’ is one of the main sources of friction in ADHD/non-ADHD partnerships. The non-ADHD partner gets to pick up all the non-joyful stuff.
BUT, it is my experience that there is real room to meet in the middle on this. I observe that many non-ADHD partners don’t live in the present moment enough. They miss lots of opportunities to celebrate life as they struggle to keep up with the never-ending ‘to do’ list and try to meet a host of commitments. ADHD partners can do their part by creating the habits they need to be able to slow down and consider the past or future when they need to.
My suggestion to non-ADHD partners is to give yourself permission and grace to celebrate the moment more often…to just enjoy what is coming at you and ‘get on board’ with some of the more fun family chaos. Pick and choose those chores that must (truly) take you away from the joy to be had in the moment.
And for ADHD partners? Think about creating a structure that allows you to help out more so your partner can more easily share in your joyous times. By being aware of the present moment we will each be more grounded. We will pay better attention to how we live and our relationships with others.
“My Mind, Heart, and Body Were Like Wily Cats”, ADDitude; Emily Chen
January 6, 2021
"My Partner Is Mad Because..."
Negotiation and Setting Boundaries
My husband sent me a link to a HuffPost article about the Funniest Tweets About Reasons Couples Have Gotten Mad at Each Other. For purposes of 'you have to laugh at this stuff, else you'll cry," I thought I would add some of my own, and encourage you to do the same. Remember to keep what you write short, like a tweet. The point of this is to see the humor in our lives, for a change.
I used to wake up mad at my husband when he did something bad in my dreams.
One of our worst fights was about his blowing grass clippings into the flower beds.
It infuriated me when he would buy me a gift (usually a bike) that we hadn't discussed first.
One time he gave me ruby earrings as a surprise. I asked him what he had done wrong.
My husband got pissed at me when I said I would take my bike to the bike shop for repair, rather than wait another year for him to repair it himself.
My husband and I fought over who had to wait for whom when leaving the house...we both thought the other one should wait.
You get the idea. Lots of stuff that we get mad at is actually funny when you stand back a bit and appreciate the irony of life. And, as you'll see if you read the linked article, it happens to us all.
November 19, 2020
Empathy and ADHD
Communication Tips with ADHD
Empathy is an issue for some with ADHD, and that can be a real problem in struggling relationships. When you are hurt, you want to feel as if your partner will notice that and try to soothe you. Yet quite a number of ADHD adults have trouble with this aspect of relationships. What's going on?
Trouble being empathetic may be attributable to any of these things:
Research suggests that those with ADHD have trouble reading the emotional cues of others - so if you can't see if someone is distressed, then you're less likely to respond to it even though they might expect you to.
Distraction plays a role. I can be totally into feeling miserable and talking with my husband, but he can only keep his attention on me for so long. Over the years the time he can stay in an emotional conversation has increased considerably, but it's hard to feel your partner is empathetic if you have to remind him to stay seated to listen to you :-)
Gender may play a role. We spend less time teaching our boys/men the skill of being empathetic. And many women long for an empathetic response similar to what they might get from a close girlfriend...yet many men simply haven't learned the skills of listening and putting themselves in your shoes.
Neurology may have something to do with it. One of the characteristics of autism, for example, is great difficulty with empathy...and ADHD shares some characteristics with that.
Anger may be at play. Chronic anger is a big element in many relationships impacted by ADHD. An angry person tends not to be very empathetic.
Defensiveness may also lead to less empathy. Lots of times the hurts that you are healing from are directly related to something the ADHD partner did. The hurt you express may feel like a criticism or rebuke, which would diminish an ability to remain open and empathetic.
Fear and lack of confidence may paralyze, particularly if you've just talked about a lot of emotions and the ADHD partner thinks "what do I do with that? Will I respond wrong?" I've had a lot of male clients, in particular, tell me they have no idea how to respond to their partner's pain.
Some people, particularly men, try to solve your problem when what you want is someone to listen. That can feel unempathetic when, in reality, the person is trying help...just not the way you had hoped.
What to do about lack of empathy in those with ADHD?
Here are some specific strategies that might help improve the situation:
Be very specific about what it is you want your partner to focus upon. "I'm feeling upset about my mother's dementia treatment" is better than "I'm feeling upset." The latter might trigger defensiveness if an ADHD partner assumes you're upset about him/her
Word it in a way that doesn't sound like blame. "I feel depressed by the combination of COVID and our marital struggles and need some reassurance" will open the door to empathy more easily than "I'm depressed about COVID and how you treated me last night."
Ask for a hug or touch when you need it, and don't hold it against your partner that you have to ask. If you have a partner who struggles with knowing you need support at a specific moment, that doesn't mean s/he doesn't want to support you. It may just mean they don't know how to.
Don't assume your partner will respond as you expect or hope (for all the reasons cited above). Be open to how your partner intrinsically responds and, if it's not enough, ask for what you need specifically. If you just want your partner to listen and not solve, let him/her know up front.
Spend some time in non-critical situations talking about emotional topics. These conversations don't have to be about you - they can be about how you feel about parents; about how you feel about COVID etc etc. Practice discussing and experiencing emotions, which can build skills over time. In addition, don't talk too much or inadvertantly dominate these conversations. Stay quiet and attentive long enough to give your partner time to open up.
Make sure you have the emotional support you need, somewhere. If your husband has trouble with empathy or supporting you, use your relationships with close friends or get a therapist to help work through emotional issues
A journal can be a good way to work through emotions, too
November 16, 2020
Generosity Matters
Quote of the Week
“In a year defined by loss and isolation, generosity is both medicinal and contagious. Caring for one another can reduce stress, decrease depression, restore a sense of self-worth and improve physical health.”
-Nancy Gibbs, Time Magazine
Generosity Matters
When you’re struggling, it’s hard to feel generous. COVID hasn’t helped because, let’s face it, 24/7 time together can be grating. Yet, when I think about which couples turn their relationships around, nurturing a spirit of generosity is a key factor.
Generosity towards one’s partner doesn’t just happen, particularly when things are difficult. You have to think about it. Build it. Reflect on who you, yourself, wish to be. Consciously add generous moments to your relationship. Yet inconsistency, chronic resentment, parent-child dynamics all push back – tempting you to give in to the negative feelings and nurture those, instead.
Fight back! The choice to nurture generosity has a huge impact in your daily life. Here are some examples of how you might be more generous:
Though your partner has been pretty good lately about not parenting you, she lays into you about getting the taxes done.
Generous response: Rather than assume she’s reverting to old patterns, assume she had a bad day. Assure her you are getting to the taxes on X day and ask her if there is anything else she might need.
Your partner is working with a coach and getting more things ‘right.’ But he still makes some mistakes that are driving you crazy.
Generous response: Acknowledge his progress rather than critiquing his continued challenges, and use your own gratitude journal to connect with the positive.
You ask your partner to tell you he loves you and he responds in an unsatisfying, ‘clunky’ way that doesn’t align with what you had expected.
Generous response: instead of following feelings of resentment or hopelessness, remind yourself that your partner didn’t communicate using the words you had expected, but was still trying to tell you how much they loved you. Do some positive interpretation…and perhaps talk with them about your love language some time in the future.
Generosity in ADHD-impacted relationships comes in the form of taming negative responses, looking for deeper meaning, refraining from judging your partner’s approach, and seeking to express affection. All of these are the basis for genuine gain for you both.
How could you be more generous in your relationship?
STARTING TOMORROW APRIL 7TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Register TODAY! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now!
Managing Emotions and Triggers In Adults Group - Starts April 21st. Implement and practice emotion-management strategies so that you begin to integrate them into your life. 10 people meet virtually once a week for 8 week.
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis:
Tues, April 13: 7:00 - 8:30pm EASTERN
Mon, April 19: 12:30 - 1:30pm EASTERN
Thurs, April 22: 5:30 - 6:30pm EASTERN
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS TOMORROW APRIL 7TH
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
Should You?
Quote of the Week
“Just because you can do it (or feel that you should be able to do it) doesn’t mean that you are the best person for the job”
-ADHD coach, Robert Pal
Should You?
Here are some phrases I would love you to pay attention to: “should be able to,” “ought to” and “have to.” Whenever I hear someone say any of them in my consulting practice, I ask the speaker these sorts of questions:
Why should you be able to?
Who says you ought to?
Why do you feel you have to? Do you really have to? Who says so?
What asking these sorts of questions often reveals is that feelings of obligation, social pressure and a misunderstanding of the boundaries leads to paralysis and unnecessary feelings of shame and resentment.
Examples from my practice:
An ADHD partner says “I should be able to clean out the basement on my own,” even though the task feels completely overwhelming to her…so she has left it sitting there for 3 years and feels great shame about that. Her husband is furious, too.
A non-ADHD partner says to his husband, “you ought to be able to remember to call me if you’re going to be late getting home,” even though that ADHD partner doesn’t have a good scheduling system in place. Both partners are frustrated by the miscommunications.
A non-ADHD woman says, “if you don’t call your parents to talk with them about this family issue, then I will have to.” She harbors great resentment about her husband’s lack of action, while he resents her insistence he do something he does not wish to do.
The questions to ask yourself and your partner are, as Pal indicates, ‘given your current situation - and all that you know about ADHD - are you the best person for the job?’ and ‘’should I/we use our knowledge of ADHD to make this thing happen?’
The resolutions for the three couples above were as follows:
The woman hired a trusted cleaner to work with her. She decided what to keep, while the cleaner managed getting rid of it. This solution used the expertise of both individuals at their best.
Both agreed that it was desirable to be in better touch around this topic, so the ADHD partner created a more robust reminder system. The ADHD partner was the best person for this job.
I advised this couple that the relationship with the ADHD partner’s parents was primarily the responsibility of the ADHD partner, not the spouse. In this case, the spouse was over-stepping her bounds and was not the best person for the job. She needed to acknowledge her partner’s rights, and stop nurturing her resentment that his opinion did not align with hers.
You may be the right person for the task ahead…or you may not. It’s always helpful to ask this of yourself.
Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar, via webinar, starts April 7, 2021. This seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis:
Mon, Apr 5: 4:00 - 5:00pm EASTERN
Wed, Apr 7: 5:00 - 6:00pm EASTERN CANCELLED
Tues, April 13: 7:00 - 8:30pm EASTERN
Mon, April 19: 12:30 - 1:30pm EASTERN
Thurs, April 22: 5:30 - 6:30pm EASTERN
Managing Emotions and Triggers In Adults Group - Starts April 21 - 10 people that meet virtually once a week for 8 week. Implement and practice emotion-management strategies so that you begin to integrate them into your life.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Free resources for couples impacted by ADHD: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts April 7, 2021.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
There is no such thing as 'do over' in marriage...there is only 'do better.'
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
Differences and Disagreements
Quote of the Week
“Exacerbating our differences is one road to disaster; denying them is another. Instead of fantasizing about a harmony that is out of reach, we should focus on ensuring that our inevitable disagreements lead whenever possible to constructive outcomes”
-Madeleine Albright
Differences and Disagreements
The majority of differences between you and your partner will never be ‘resolved’ in a way that puts you in total agreement on the issue at hand. That’s to be expected – you are quite different from each other, and both of you have the right to your opinions and ways of thinking.
Committed adult relationships are an exercise in practicality, as well as nurturing affection. As Albright points out, fantasizing about a harmony that is out of reach doesn’t really work. It leads to disappointment instead of satisfaction. Conversely, focusing on constructive outcomes leads to genuine affection.
Those negotiations are the ‘give and take’ of adult relationships. Think of them as ‘work arounds’ that acknowledge you both have an equal voice and that accommodate you both. Any individual negotiation might lead to one partner’s way being preferred, of course, but over time you both are ‘seen’ and ‘heard’ in these constructive outcomes.
To get to these outcomes, focus on these things (taught in my couples seminar, btw):
Developing conflict intimacy, learning conversation and other communication skill sets that allow both partners to express their feelings and needs without being judged
Looking for the ‘and’ in situations to see if there is a way to have part of what one partner wants and part of what the other partner wants (vs. either/or)
Managing anger outbursts which might make the relationship unsafe for good communication
Moving away from parent-child dynamics which rarely allow for an equal ‘give and take.’
If you’re not satisfied that the outcomes of your disagreements are constructive, which of these might be a good starting place?
The ADHD Effect In-Depth - webinar seminar - April 7, 2021 is the start of my 8-session live Couples' Seminar. Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? This seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.
Mon, Apr 5: 4:00 - 5:00pm EASTERN
Wed, Apr 7: 5:00 - 6:00pm EASTERN
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts April 7, 2021.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
Wisdom
Quote of the Week
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I have begun to change myself.”
-Persian poet, Rumi
Wisdom
You can only change yourself, not your partner.
That is one of the hardest lessons many learn after they get into a committed relationship. When we are young we may think ‘things will work out somehow.’ We have the space in our lives to put aside annoyances. The newness of our relationships, combined with the dopamine increases of infatuation, make everything seem rosy.
Then life happens. You add responsibilities, such as a home or children. Two jobs. There aren’t enough hours in the day, and you need more assistance. ADHD, particularly if it’s undermanaged, starts to get in the way as the ADHD partner struggles to follow through on his or her promises.
This is where non-ADHD partners start to make their gravest relationship mistakes. They think ‘I can just do this- it will be faster’ or ‘if I push hard enough (or remind often enough), my partner will surely follow through.’ Without realizing it, they start to try changing their partner. It never works.
You can successfully invite your partner to change. And hopefully, because your partner wants relationship success as much as you do, your partner will work with you to improve what is troubling your relationship.
But the wisest path is to focus on yourself. Don’t misunderstand. You CANNOT change a relationship by yourself. Your partner MUST be actively engaged. But what you can do is make sure your own contribution is the best it can be.
Figure out how to express anger constructively, rather than yelling or insulting. Figure out how to see your partner as a person you love, who has behaviors you don’t love, so you can request behavior change without insulting the person. Reflect upon your values, so you don’t stray from who you really are.
You have control over you, and no one else. What would be wise for you to change today?
Do you need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? My 8-session live phone seminar starts April 7, 2021. It has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. "The seminar has been life-changing for us and we are grateful."
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis. More information is here.
Thurs, Mar 18: 7:00 - 8:30pm EASTERN
Mon, Apr 5: 4:00 - 5:00pm EASTERN
Wed, Apr 7: 5:00 - 6:00pm EASTERN
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great, free resources: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
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