Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 41
June 2, 2020
Reflecting on Your Life
Quote of the Week
“We have this very rare opportunity to reflect on how we work and work itself and how we define it.”
-Marie Kondo, on staying home in the pandemic
Reflecting on Your Life
A huge upset to your life always provides an opportunity to reflect on whether or not you are living your life the way you wish to. Whether it’s cancer, a near-death car accident, or living out the COVID-19 crisis, we all have an opportunity to take stock. Kondo is talking about work…but I would like to talk about relationships.
But how does one take stock? I suggest you go back to your basic values and ask yourself if you are living your life aligned with those values. I did this after I had cancer and the answer was ‘no, I was not.’ The question then becomes, “what do I need to do to bring that to a ‘yes’?”
After lots of reflection I decided that I had wasted too many of my precious days angry, upset and unhappy. Of course, one can’t just wave a magic wand and have things become happy. I tried that once and it just didn’t work! No, you have to chart a course and ask how do I get from here to there?
Because I think conceptually, I decided that my task was to make each of my own days positive – EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. Notice that this is about me, not my partner. I’m responsible for making this happen. My partner will either share a similar vision and work with me, or he won’t.
Some of the things on my list of things to do to make the transition were:
Add joyful activities I could do every day or almost every day (start making music again since I missed that; ensure my relationship included joy; spend lots of time with family and friends; find opportunities to smile and laugh; practice gratitude)
Do all I needed to do on my side to contribute to a positive relationship (not by shoving things inside, but by focusing with my husband on what was REALLY important to me and letting other things go; continuing my education on what helps me and others; working with my husband to make sure my most important needs were being attended to; letting go of what wasn’t important)
Make sure I am doing meaningful work (perhaps volunteer work; helping others; continue my work with couples)
Each of these steps had many sub-steps to follow, which I did. But the concept was the right one for me. Make each day positive. With that attitude, my life was sure to get better…and it did.
Have you assessed your life lately?
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For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts Fall, 2020.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
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© 2020 Melissa Orlov
May 22, 2020
How to Stick to a Budget When One of You Spends Impulsively
Negotiation and Setting Boundaries
Why is it that many of us fail to follow a budget and keep our impulsivity spending in check? Budgeting is pretty straightforward, isn’t it? If we map out our money, shouldn’t it be easier to keep impulses in check?
It always seems to go something like this …. First you write out a column of expenses balanced against an income stream. Then you reduce a few expenses and maybe plug a few leaks. Finally, you take steps to minimize taxes and maximize your take home pay.
But, what’s this? $400 for a new set of tools! OR $380 for the latest HD TV! Where is THAT line in the budget? Then just like that, your budget is compromised and out the window. The stage is set for another relationship damaging “discussion.”
Let’s back up for a moment... Why did these thoughts manifest? How did a thought become an action? Why did one partner violate the agreed-upon budget? Are needs not being met? Are old habits that tough to break? Is there a degree of passive-aggressive behaviour going on? Is impulsivity to blame? Was the purchase reasonable and the budget wrong in this situation?
At Rena-Fi we’ve seen, thought of, and addressed, all of these complications (and more). Often this type of budgetary diversion is a matter of boundaries.
Now hang on a moment. Boundaries aren’t so bad!
When boundaries are consciously set, mutually agreed upon and respected, the team (that’s you and your partner) function better. Think of a sports team..they need to learn their teammates strengths and weaknesses, and while they are practicing their skills, they have guidelines to keep them on course. These are your boundaries. They are here to help you do your best.
Here are the best solutions for keeping impulsivity in check when you’re in a relationship:
Confrontation breeds communication, communication is the heart of intimacy. - author unknown
Obviously, how you handle confrontation matters. Listening with respect and an open mind matters. But without confronting the problem, communication is absent. By the way, the overspending is the problem, not the other person. So make sure to keep the conversation a judgment-free zone!
Properly set money boundaries look like setting your budget based on the life you’re actually living and not some ideal version of life.
Sure, it sounds doable to forgo all entertainment for a year while you build your savings accounts. Does that work in real life? Will that keep you happy AND sane? The fact is that you have to budget realistically for entertainment and fun. Otherwise you will not stick to your budget. In order to make a budget work, you have to be in mutual agreement. Did you both wholeheartedly agree? Or did one person simply “win” the argument when it came to setting rules and boundaries on money? Make sure you are both in agreement when it comes to decision making. Bullying doesn’t encourage honesty, nor does passively appeasing your partner. Both partners have to be open to hearing each other, and agree on the final decision.
Boundaries respected means keeping your promises to each other, even in the form of a budget.
We’re all adults here. We have to act accordingly. If we’ve properly set and mutually agreed to a plan, we must have the respect to adhere to it. That involves respect for your relationship and respect for yourself. Be a person who keeps their promises.
Have compassion and understanding for your partner.
Life happens. A bad day comes about or some unique opportunity comes along. We are all human and we make mistakes. If that person who went off budget is met with contempt, how likely are they to remain vulnerable enough to continue to try and work to fix the problem?
These types of issues are far more complex than can be addressed in a single blog post, but I hope this can serve as an outline and starting point. Achieving and maintaining financial stability just might be the most important aspect of building a great relationship and living a life of your own design.
Richard Webster, the author of this article, is the CEO of Rena-Fi, Inc., a financial literacy platform. At Rena-Fi, we’re in the business of improving the lives of people with ADHD through financial literacy education. Learn more at Rena-Fi.com
Tags: finances, budget, impulse buying, impulse spending, communication
May 5, 2020
All That Emotion? Researchers Suggest It Should Be Diagnostic for ADHD
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
There has been a lot of buzz about emotional dysregulation and ADHD lately – as there should be. It was hot at the CHADD 2019 conference on ADHD. Dr. Dodson has become famous suggesting virtually everyone with ADHD has something he calls ‘Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria’ meaning that they organize their responses to others based in trying to avoid rejection. (For more on RSD, go to this page.) As early as 2014 research suggested emotional lability is a ‘core characteristic’ of ADHD.
While emotionality is up front and center for many with ADHD, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria never really fit with what I observed in my own family or with many of my ADHD clients. Some are highly sensitive to rejection and criticism (which they view as a form of rejection) while others are generally ‘chill.’
And while the inattentive vs. hyperactive split found in the current diagnostic manual (the DSM-V) is easy to observe, many (not all!) lose their hyperactivity by adulthood. Making it hard to utilize for determining effective treatment.
Now it seems there may be a better way to classify types of ADHD people have – as an inattentive type and an emotional dysregulation type. The research, which was published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology separates those who have high levels of attention issues (distraction; organization, etc.) but little emotional dysregulation from those who have high levels of emotional over-reactivity and attention issues.
Besides helping improve the reliability of diagnosis, this also may provide information for treatment. Patients in the emotional dysregulation group responded particularly well to methylphenidate and atomoxetine.
For some additional information about this research, go to this research overview.
Tags: adult diagnosis, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, emotional dysregulation, methylphenidate
April 10, 2020
Help! I Need a Break!!
COVID-19Conflicts Around Household TasksADHD & Families
Hard working parents have a lot of juggling to do even in more normal times. Now, with schools unexpectedly closed, no access to daycare or most sitters, with one or two parents working from home (blurring the lines between work and childcare) and extra financial and personal stress, things have gotten MUCH harder.
Not surprisingly, parents need a break from the stress. One woman wrote:
“We have HUGE issues with needing to both still work full time while now covering all childcare too. My ADHD partner is essential services, so he still leaves for work each day, and I also have to work full time still while taking care of our toddler. We have split our schedules to help share childcare load but it's still exhausting and has us working very long days with absolutely no time for ourselves. Add in having my ADHD stepchild here each weekend instead of every other and that’s even less time with my partner. My ADHD partner is stressed out, not sleeping well at all, often because of anxiety. Toddler doesn't sleep well at night. My partner has always been inattentive towards me, making me feel lonely and ignored but this is SO much worse because we barely have ANY time together as we're ALWAYS working or doing childcare. I'm supposed to be the strong one who keeps it together for everyone and helps everyone to manage their emotions but I'm losing it. I have a high stress job and increased workload due to COVID-19 and can't take this much longer…”
Another described the small things that could keep her on this side of sane:
“I have 2 kids with ADHD , am trying to work, trying to support 1 high schooler who also has dyslexia & dysgraphia. One who is bored because he can’t go to work. My husband calls repeatedly so I can remind him of what needs to be done. It really taxes my executive functions!
I have tried to explain to my husband why I need a break, especially after dinner. I would love that dinner be cleaned up without giving them all directions. Or not have to do bedtime. Or not need to chat when my husband comes home. But without a break I tend to hit overwhelm pretty fast…”
The problem with overwhelm
Unfortunately, once we are overwhelmed, our ability to cope goes way down. We are more irritable and short-tempered, less open to ideas that might help out, more likely to feel resentful and carry that around with us, less likely to think clearly, more focused on the negative, and more.
This isn’t news. But it is why you have to pay attention to feelings of overwhelm and do what you can to avoid it, particularly when times are hard.
How to find that break you need
Remind yourself that this will pass. Like more traditional wars, this feels all encompassing and endless. But it will pass, and life will start to return to normal some time in the next months, not years. This can provide you with mental fortitude.
Put aside as much as you can during this time. Do a 'triage' on what is REALLY important (like eating) and put everything else off that you can. Don't do extra projects, do laundry less, clean only as much as is critical to do, order take out sometimes if you are still allowed to do that in your area, cook prepared food or make soups etc that will last for several meals, consider using paper plates on particularly busy days so there is less clean up. This triage may ease some of the pressure.
Both partners should spend some time right before bed calming yourselves. That could be with deep breathing for 3-5 minutes; meditation; stretching and breathing...something that is calming so that you fall asleep quickly and sleep more deeply. Sleep is your friend when trying to keep things together. If your partner is being woken up by things that he remembers in anxiety in the middle of the night, suggest he keep a pad of paper and pen beside his bed so that he can capture the ideas and go back to sleep more easily. 3mg of Melatonin might help, too.
Try to get outside with the kids If the weather and your local rules allow.. Sunshine and exercise are both good for your emotional state and may help you get more energy. For a quick burst or energy if you're lagging, do 10 jumping jacks.
Create a private space only for you. Explain to family members that they aren’t to disturb you when you are there. Retreat when you feel you can handle things no longer or as part of an agreed upon schedule with your partner for recharging time.
Try not to drink alcohol while under such stress, or at least drink more alcohol. It messes with your sleep (because it breaks down into sugar as you are sleeping), and may make you a bit sluggish, depending upon how much you drink. Using marijuana as a coping tool can also make things worse, as it lessens your ability to pitch in and help you partner with all of the stressors he or she is facing.
Try to keep children on a sleep schedule that starts with a calming routine (like cuddling and reading) and gets him to bed early enough. Some younger kids do better if they go to bed earlier, (for example before 8pm). Worth trying if you haven't before.
Carve out 10 minutes a day (minimum) where it’s just you two. Yes, this is one of those things that should survive your triage. Focused on each other. Hold hands. Spoon in bed. Say nice things to each other. Remind each other you care for each other. You may wish to use one of my favorite check-in tools (see “What You Need to Know About Me Today Is…”). It’s quick and easy.
If other things don’t work, get some help at least one day a week from a local high school or college student who is home. Try to hire someone whom you know and trust to take care to not be interacting with others when not with your family. Provide a good mask for both the caretaker and, if your children are old enough, your kids. Encourage them to do activities where they don’t have to touch each other (example – playing outdoors, walks, creating artwork, video games.) Carefully clean surfaces they will/do touch both before and after. Think of it as child supervision. Prohibit hugs. In other words, get a little help and make it as safe as you can for everyone involved.
Tags: COVID-19, stay at home, overwhelm, sleep, work life bakance
Work at Home Ideas for Adults with ADHD
COVID-19Organization
Sometimes you don't need to write something from scratch. ADDitude Magazine put together a nice overview of ideas for adults with ADHD who are looking to be productive working from home. You can find it here.
Tags: telecommute, work, stay at home, COVID-19
April 6, 2020
“I Can’t Get My Partner to Stay at Home!”
COVID-19
From a reader:
This has popped up this week now that a stay-at-home order is in effect. My husband, who has ADHD, keeps finding reasons to go out. They are all “legitimate” reasons, but they violate the spirit of the order. He does IT at a medical manufacturer, so I know he does sometimes have to go in, though he can do most of his work from home. He had to go in Monday. Monday night he went to the grocery store to pick up a few things (even though I had shopped on Saturday). Tuesday, he told me he was going to go jogging (good) and then stop by the grocery store. I asked him if he really needed to go, and he said, “Oh. I guess I don’t.” Last night he saw that someone was giving away free firewood, so he went out to get that. Then after dinner he said he was going for a jog. He was gone for a long time and came home with some groceries. Hopefully he is having little actual contact with people or the virus on surfaces, but it is driving me nuts that he can’t seem to limit his going out. I’m not sure what to do.
How ADHD fits in
I read the quote above as demonstrating a combination of traits of ADHD – impulsivity, a lessened ability to see potential future outcomes (a part of executive function that can be weak for those with ADHD) and distractibility. In addition, it’s possible that this person has a higher tolerance for risk than his wife, though that’s not explicit in what she writes.
The husband goes out for a jog. He sees something that reminds him of the grocery and thinks “I’ll just be helpful and go pick up the things we seem to need.” Or he is reading the paper and sees a great deal on firewood. "That would be helpful," he thinks. Off he goes. Without stopping to think about the possible consequences.
What to do
Clarify what help looks like. Many of us feel a little bit helpless these days – the ‘invader’ is invisible and we may or may not personally know someone who is sick. So the desire to ‘help out’ can be strong, if sometimes misguided. The first thing to do, then, is to clarify what’s really helpful. “What would be absolutely the most helpful thing you can do right now is not leave the house for anything but a run.” Gently confirm that going to the store or finding firewood is NOT so helpful in this new world, even though it was in the old one. Don’t demand. Request assistance in staying safe.
Use other sources for expertise. The news gets worse and as world leaders become sick, it’s easier to say that even COVID-19 naysayers and non-believers get sick. You can, too. Don’t make it your opinion against his, but rather position being careful as insurance against a potentially horrible downside (long-term injury or even death.) We do a lot to stay alive…this is just shorter-term.
Create a check, or brakes, in the process of going out of the house. Agree that before anyone leaves the house they check in with the other person to make sure that they are coordinated about leaving as little as possible. For everything, including runs, going to the store or going to the post box. Since memory is an issue for those with ADHD, put an obvious sign on all exits – “Coordinate before leaving!” or some such. Make this a positive thing – you’re not trying to hurt your partner, but rather to make sure that all trips out are well coordinated and efficient, to minimize their number and make everyone safer. It might make sense to stop at the store on the way home for work, for example, or you might have enough food for another 5 days, in which case stopping at the store goes into the ‘non helpful’ category.
Gamify it. Challenge yourselves to see how creative you can be at minimizing trips out. We are currently creating a long list for a Costco run, and seeing how creative we can be about meal prep and using existing supplies before we absolutely, positively, have to go. The stores will have something when we finally do go out, so this doesn’t put us in jeopardy of not being able to find food. Think of it as the COVID-19 Challenge.
Connect in other ways. Set up video or phone calls with friends or kids. Write letters or emails. Spend time hanging out together. My husband and I just hung out on our porch yesterday afternoon – me doing a project and him surfing the internet (and our talking about it) and it was terrific. The need for connection to others is very real…but there are lots of ways to do it.
The bottom line
The worst approach is to tell another adult what they must do. That sets up resistance and a fight. Instead, use current news to reinforce the seriousness of what’s going on, and calmly request a partnership around staying healthy together. Listen to your partner’s opinion, treat it respectfully, and try to dig underneath for why you might not agree. You can’t force your partner to stay home, so acknowledging that fact makes sense. What I see is that most adults are willing to acquiesce to their partner’s desire if it feels reasonable and not too much of a hardship. So, for most couples, the approach outlined here should work.
Tags: COVID-19, impulsivity, connection
April 3, 2020
Cannabis & ADHD
Melissa's Favorite PostsDiagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
Many people have asked me about whether cannabis is a useful treatment for ADHD, as it seems to calm the mind. Up to this point my response has been the Dr. Hallowell tries hard to move his patients away from marijuana use. But now Roberto Olivadia PhD, an ADHD expert affiliated with Harvard Medical School whom I know and greatly respect, has put together a convincing article using the science of the brain and research to date on cannabis use and ADHD. Bottom line is this - cannabis use for ADHD is not a good idea, and particularly for those under 25. This fits with my own experience with clients who smoke marijuana. What I've observed is that if it doesn't interfere directly with their lives (hurting work performance in many cases) it hurts their relationship by becoming a crutch that takes their attention (and motivation) away from managing their ADHD in ways proven to be effective and long lasting.
Olivardia's article can be found here. You should read it if you or your partner has ADHD and currently uses cannabis.
April 2, 2020
4 Reasons Some are Reverting to Old ADHD Habits
COVID-19Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
Sadly, multiple stressors are wreaking havoc on many couples impacted by ADHD. I’m hearing reports that after making good progress they are returning towards past struggles they hoped they had left behind. ADHD symptoms are back, and responses to those symptoms are back, too. What’s going on, and what do you do about it?
More stress, more symptoms
Stress makes ADHD symptoms worse, so strategies (and medications) that used to create a balance for couples are not being quite as effective. This results in surprise behaviors that trigger negative interactions. Unfortunately, our memories of past interactions that felt horrible remain, which means that when the symptomatic behaviors show up again it’s easy to trigger old patterns:
"Our marriage had been seriously compromised for years because of explosive anger/flooding, but getting on an antidepressant was LIFE CHANGING. Yesterday, my husband exploded at our son. It's the worst I’d seen in a long time...I was SO mad. I still am...now we’re not okay. Again...So, here we are, cooped up in the house for weeks, trying to function during a national crisis under very stressful conditions, and I feel like I used to before he started medication. Angry. Festering.”
With the help of the right medication this woman thought they were through these sorts of interactions. Yet here is the old pattern – his emotional dysregulation (a part of his ADHD) and her very human responses to his explosion.
What to do
This woman has more tools and better understanding than she used to have. Instead of confronting her husband while he was flooded and unable to respond to her in a productive way, she left the scene and wrote her husband a letter that he could process when calmer.
They also both know that medication helps with his anger management. He can (and should) talk with his doctor immediately about the possibility of increasing his dose temporarily during this particularly stressful time. This would help reassure her that he takes his responsibility to remain calm and respectful to his family seriously. He may have been caught unawares once by the increase in his symptoms due to the stress, but no one has to suffer twice. Think of it as an alcoholic rejoining AA after a single relapse, and recommitting to sobriety.
It sounds as if there has been a single ‘relapse’ in this situation. It’s serious. Therapy would be a good idea (I have noticed that Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy seems particularly well adapted to issues of ADHD and anger) and monitoring the situation to see if it’s resolvable is needed.
Medication has been stopped
It’s possible that the reason the man above exploded was that he has actually stopped his medications but didn’t tell his wife. I’ve been seeing a fair amount of that lately.
“My husband has been sitting around and playing video games for 12 hours a day – he is completely zoned out around the family, even though I hear him laughing and talking with the others on the games. It’s been a complete mystery. Finally he told me that a few weeks ago he stopped taking his anti-depressants. Said it was something about his doctor not wanting to give him any more, though he’s been seeing this doc for over a year, so that doesn’t make sense…”
It is my belief that partners have a right to know when a partner has decided to take a break from medications, particularly if that medication helps with behavioral issues. Stopping an anti-depressant cold turkey is particularly a concern because it has very real negative emotional consequences. People go through a withdrawal that usually makes them irritable, mean, depressed, zombie-like and/or very hard to live with. For this reason, medical experts recommend titrating off an anti-depressant slowly to minimize the havoc this change can make.
I’ve experienced this twice in my life when my husband suddenly stopped his own medications. It’s not pretty. It’s also incredibly confusing. Suddenly the bad behaviors are back, and the partner has no idea why. And notifying the ADHD partner that you don’t like those behaviors doesn’t make any difference if the ADHD partner doesn’t associate the behavioral changes with the medication shift. That’s pretty common – as with the old patterns, the ADHD partner may start by blaming their anger and poor behavior on the other partner rather than realize it’s the meds.
What to do
If your partner takes medications for ADHD, talk with him or her at a calm time to request that if they change their treatment regime it would be very helpful if they shared that with you. Make it clear that you are not trying to control their treatment, only wanting to be notified about changes so that you aren’t caught by surprise.
Behavioral coping strategies are no longer available
Part of managing ADHD is finding ways to be in your life that help you stay organized and productive. Ned Hallowell, for example, writes books both because he has lots to say that helps people and because it helps him organize his time and productivity. One man just told me:
“I am able to spend a lot of time in my own head, which can become kind of obsessive. I’m beginning to realize that one way that I’ve dealt with that has been to work in jobs in which I am interacting with others a lot. The talks, tours, answering questions all got me outside of my head and helped me organize my thoughts…now I don’t have access to that and I’m much more back inside my head again…”
Here's another example. Like many, my husband uses exercise as a behavioral strategy to manage his ADHD emotional regulation. While he still can do this, those cooped up in apartments in locked down areas can’t do the same.
What to do
The contrast between now and your regular life can be an opportunity to learn which coping strategies you have had without realizing that’s what they were. Think about what you miss the most, and why, as well as the benefits that activity provided. In the future you can not only return to that activity, but prioritize it as an effective part of your treatment.
In the meantime, if you’ve been relying on something you can’t do right now (for example, exercise) talk with your partner about what that means to you, and consider setting a verbal cue so that if you are suddenly irritable or hard to be with, your partner can gently notify you with the cue and you can, in turn, back down…understanding that this isn’t about your partner, but about your own lack of having your normal coping strategies.
Overwhelmed and amped up
“During this crisis I find that my husband is repeating himself and becoming self-centered. He’s not remembering what he’s telling us and is inconsistent w/what he says. He packs each minute of every day and seems to be rushing around and scatter brained. He is losing weight. Irritability due to spreading himself thin w/ the other boaters (we deliver boats for a living) but also seems more affectionate w/ me as the day winds down…”
One response to the extreme stimulation that this crisis places upon us is being hyped up, and that may be what is going on here. He is amped up, going in every which direction, forgetting to eat, and probably getting worse sleep, too.
There is some physiology here. Our brains can only take so much information, then they move into an overwhelmed state. Even those who don’t have ADHD experience this – so much so that Ned Hallowell wrote a book about it at one point (CrazyBusy) in which he argued that brain overload mimics ADHD (though is not true ADHD.)
The good news is that the added stimulation may also allow him to express more positive emotions at the end of the day as things are winding down.
What to do
Take advantage of the end of the day period of affection to ‘lean in’ to being calm together, reassuring each other, and being close. This may help your partner sleep better. In addition, find out if there are things you can do to ease his sense of overwhelm, including making meals. This is a temporary increase in symptoms. If you have the bandwidth, you can help lessen the overwhelm, possibly improving the irritability and stress.
Tags: stress, COVID-19, coping strategy, explosive anger
March 31, 2020
Stress Highlights Our Differences – For Better or Worse
COVID-19Communication Tips with ADHDAnger, Frustration & ADHD
I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling stressed out, my normal ‘tendencies’ get magnified. I’m more likely to want to ‘get organized.’ I’m rarin’ to go on that project I’ve put off for a while. I cook more. In normal times I’m a ‘doer.’ Under stress I’m really a doer.
This magnification of one’s way of being happens to most people though, of course, how it manifests varies widely. One woman wrote to me recently:
“Stress is making me want to plan, make lists, know what my/our day will look like. My ADHD partner can barely tolerate planning. Wants to stop talking and get things done!”
The good news is that this partner is ready to work hard. Differences in approach don’t have to be an issue, but when the pressure is up, it’s easier to get annoyed or frustrated at inconvenience that you might normally not pay much attention to.
"For ten days I've been obsessing about making lists of groceries, etc for friends to bring us because due to medical issues we are vulnerable if we get COVID-19. This morning, brushing my teeth, I realized we were about to run out of toothpaste, an item that never made it onto a list. My immediate thought was ‘why am I the one who has to think and plan? Couldn't my partner notice we were running out of toothpaste and get it on the list? Nope, not in a million years, was my thought.’”
How to handle this
Acknowledge what is going on. Recognize that this exaggeration of our normal tendencies is part of the stress that has been added to our lives. For those with ADHD it may be even worse, as stress is known to increase the severity of ADHD symptoms. But, really, you are both having this issue, as is the woman above and as am I.
The urgency of this situation doesn’t change one’s ability to manage ADHD. If your partner with ADHD wasn’t a planner before, that partner isn’t going to be a planner now. It takes time and significant work to change habits. Yes, you may benefit from some short-term hyperfocus, but we are in for a long haul with COVID-19 and that hyperfocus is unlikely to last the whole time. So patience and hard work to improve habits are still critical skills.
Create transparency. Being careful not to blame either partner, talk about what the stress means to you. My husband and I had one of these conversations last night. I shared my fears and depression for our children and their futures as their lives are being so turned upside down. He shared his fear that the runny nose and tiredness he has been feeling lately could be COVID-19 (it’s likely a cold he caught from me and some friends.) If planning is a burden, let your partner know. (See my Psychology Today post on What You Need to Know About Me Today Is…)
Set high enough standards for yourself. Some, under the stress of the COVID-19 outbreak are: becoming mean; easier to trigger; and using poor coping strategies such as smoking marijuana and drinking, which leads to even worse behavior. This time is stressful, but that means it’s more important to be aware of who we are in our relationship, not less. If you’re drinking to feel more comfortable, for example, seek alternative coping strategies. Consider exercise, meditation, mindfulness, or listening to calming music. All of these will help you feel more relaxed, but in a healthy way that won’t injure your relationship.
Remember the positives. Laugh. The woman who wrote me said that later she and her husband laughed about her experience because it turned out that there was, in fact, another tube of toothpaste in the partner’s cabinet. He had just forgotten it was there. The ability to laugh – and to remember that your partner has many positive qualities – is a great coping skill that serves you well when under particular stress. As another example, in our own household my husband is delighted that I’m so organized right now (we have wipes, lots of food, etc.) I’m happy that he’s a 'go with the flow' guy, which helps me relax a bit even though we are both inundated with bad news daily. We are both thankful to have a bit more time to just hang out together in a variety of different ways.
Reflect on your own quirks for perspective. Yes, your partner’s tendencies are getting magnified…but so are your own. Reflecting on what you, yourself, are doing that could be particularly annoying to your partner will help you remember that you are both in this together. I have often found that in spite of my husband’s symptomatic behaviors, it’s always a good thing to seek my own humility. I’m far from perfect, and remembering that helps me balance any annoyance I may feel with remembering he does even more that is right.
Do fun things together. Here are some things that people are doing now that they are spending more time together that bring calm and happiness to their days:
Puzzles
Cooking together
Longer bike rides
Hikes, running, walking
Card games
More time with kids
Gardening with the family
Competitive video games
Taking extra time to attend to each other
Family reading-out-loud time at night
Catching up with family online
Feel free to add your own ideas for what you and your partner are doing to create some joy together.
Tags: stress, COVID-19, planning, hyperfocus, frustration
March 30, 2020
Finding Emotional and Physical Space When You Are Confined Together
COVID-19
You’ve always been different and, if your relationship is like mine, that has been part of the attraction. Relationships can benefit from good energy when partners have contrasting or complementary ways of being in the world. But part of why it works has been because you could also get time - and space - to revive yourself in your own way.
Today, there are new and difficult pressures. Stress of the unknown is huge, and any stress can increase ADHD symptoms. Lack of structure as many of your activities (including work) are not available. For some, an inability to get outside. You can’t hang out with family or friends easily, so you feel more isolated from those we care about. A constant drumbeat of anxiety-producing news. And the ‘little’ differences are now magnified by proximity and a greater reliance just on each other. Two women recently wrote me about some of these issues:
“My husband and I are getting on each other’s nerves. I need communication and that is a struggle for my husband. We are together a lot. So, I am more irritated and critical of the questions he asks. Especially when the question relates to something I just discussed with him. Also, sharing common space is difficult. I like organization. He is more carefree in that area. I get frustrated when I am constantly asking him to pick up/sort through the same pile of papers everyday.”
and
“I am someone who needs space - ADHD partner NEEDS to socialize. Also - is very distracted so can't focus on important things like preventing the spread of the virus and hand washing. ADHD spouse who is on ADHD meds has turned to drinking and smoking for coping, which has been hard for me, as this makes them more distracted and more room for silly mistakes that we cannot afford right now. We are currently in therapy and have been since before the isolation began - we are continuing to have at home therapy sessions once a week - the tools that are being provided are amazing, however, the follow through after the session has ended that is a problem. It's in one ear and out the other and I cry way more than I have ever cried this past week. My stress levels are through the roof and causing migraines which isn't helping the situation. Long walks outside and taking time in other rooms of the house to have alone time is the only thing keeping me sane right now and when we work on something as a team…”
We don't have much choice about whether or not we have to deal with our partners right now. We can’t just head out to see our friends for commiseration. So it’s important to have a tool box of strategies to help get through this period. Here are some useful tips:
Stay away from each other for ‘blocks’ of time. That could mean agreeing that you won’t interact with each other between breakfast or lunch. Or that you have different workspaces and that you won’t interrupt each other during the work day. For some, it might mean sleeping in separate bedrooms some nights of the week. The concept is ‘set aside time that is just your own.’
Create a structure for requests and housework. The structure isn’t specifically for assuring completion of tasks. Rather, it is so that there is more to your lives together than focusing on what needs to get done. By confining the conversation about tasks to set times (daily, weekly, whatever works for you) you make space for the less enthusiastic chore doer to feel free to engage with you in a positive way. (Put another way, if every time your partner interacts with you you ask her to do a task, she’s likely to stop interacting with you pretty quickly!) You might use the same strategy for actually doing tasks, too. Though you are home all the time, you might confine chores to a specific time so they don’t bleed into everything.
Acknowledge that having different ways is great…and create space for those differences. The partner who LOVES to talk should do so – with others who love to talk. Zoom, Skype, FaceTime and many other online platforms can enable virtual parties, calls, and more. The partner who needs quiet can create a special reading or writing nook, or spend time out in the garden if weather permits.
Focus on bringing your own feelings under control rather than on your partner's issues. Irritation that your partner isn’t doing exactly what you asked isn’t productive right now. Sometimes, mistakes are made with excellent intentions…
“I asked my partner to go to the grocery and gave him a list. He came home without many of the things I requested, and with things we have no need for. For example, I asked for yeast. He came home with 5 loaves of white bread, which I don’t even eat! He said he was just trying to be helpful, though to me, helpful is about doing what I asked him to do…I was really mad!”
This man was feeling helpless, as many of us are. His execution – bringing home tons of bread that only he will eat – was far from perfect. But underlying his actions was a need to feel helpful. Empathy with his fear and helplessness will help soften the blow that this woman still doesn’t have yeast, and will have to be creative with her cooking for a bit.
There are some people who are regularly irritable. With ADHD, this can be part of the ADHD. If you're one of those people, make it your task to do all you can to bring down the irritability factor. Set a verbal cue with your partner to let him or her know when you are starting to feel out of control so the conversation can stop. Focus on exercise and sleep (both of which help decrease irritability. Set some time of every day aside to do things that make you feel grounded. Learn mindfulness. With all the other pressures, it's really important that you be in better control right now than usual.
Seek perspective - annoying is not the same as life threatening. The woman above will certainly be inconvenienced, but extra bread will not make her sick. On the other hand, the person who doesn’t wash his hands, could. (See my Psychology Today blog post on ADHD and hygiene for more on this topic.) When your partner does something that upsets you, ask yourself “Is this annoying, or life threatening?” If it’s just annoying, try to let it go for the moment. When you calm down, you can talk with your partner about what could help more in the future. The woman whose husband brought home the bread, for example, could later say “I know you were trying to help out, and I appreciate that, but what would really be a help is if you could buy what’s on the list because I’m working really hard to plan meals to minimize grocery trips and stay in budget.”
Resist poor coping strategies. Smoking marijuana and drinking may alleviate anxiety, but they compound the problems in your household by making you either absent, slow-witted or, possibly, aggressive. (News reports are beginning to report places where alcohol sales have been banned due to an increase in domestic abuse, for example.) Staying up really late to watch movies rather than going to bed will make you both irritable and increase ADHD symptoms.
Acknowledge your emotions and fears. It’s one of the most important ways we can support each other. Our lives are upside down. The way the federal government is handling it is not reassuring. People we know or love may die. Many are losing their jobs or fear they will. No one knows how long it will take the country – and our individual lives – to recover. That’s a recipe for fear…or at least lots of anxiety. As human beings, when we feel anxious, we wish to be soothed. It makes sense to acknowledge that you are afraid, or anxious, or depressed, or grieving for the abrupt change in your lives. If you have a partner who is quiet and doesn’t love to talk, ask him or her to sit with you and listen. Hold hands (after you’ve washed them!). Look into each other’s eyes. Cry. Your partner may not be able to say the words you long to hear, but just having him or her listen will help. (A note to partners here – you’re NOT being asked to FIX the issue – you can’t. Only listen. It is the listening that heals.)
Seek purpose. You will get on each other’s nerves much less if you have a sense of purpose shaping your days. If you’ve just lost your job, create a job search prep plan (I will write more on this soon). If you have financial issues, make yourself the chief investigator for figuring out how to address those (ex: learning about changing unemployment rules; figuring out which bills don’t need to be paid on time at the moment, etc.) If you have the ability to help those on the medical front lines – for example by sewing face masks requested by a local hospital – do so.
Practice gratitude. At least once a day, stop and consider what you are grateful for. You might do this before bed or at dinner with your partner.
Get exercise and good sleep. Whether you are dancing in your living room, running or biking outside, walking with your kids every morning to explore…exercise is a critical mood stabilizer and both energy builder and releaser. And sleep is critical for good functioning and mood. (Here are some great tips for improving your sleep.) At these times, neither one is really optional.
Tags: sleep, exercise, gratitude, stress, COVID-19, coping strategy
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