Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 43

January 20, 2020

The Life You Were Given

ADHD & Marriage News - March 4, 2020

Quote of the Week

“You don’t have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you’re holding.”

-Cheryl Strayed

The Life You Were Given

Most people who have ADHD wish they didn’t. That makes sense, as it definitely complicates your life, even if you learn to live well with it.

But the reality is that you DO have it, and so what now? Strayed has exactly the right idea. How do you play the hell out of your cards?

Learn all you can about your particular version ADHD.
Seek your strengths and find a job that fits those strengths
Surround yourself with people who are positive about you and support you
Be with a partner who gets you and appreciates you, even if the ADHD sometimes is a pain
Optimize your treatment for ADHD so that YOU are in control – NOT the ADHD

Some good resources to help you with doing this include:

My free treatment ebook, found on my home page. Take the concepts, such as target symptoms, to your doctor
My couples seminar, which can help you and partner do better in your relationship…or, if you don’t have time for that, my books
May We Have Your Attention, Please? Is a new book by Laura MacNiven that helps you identify your strengths and befriend your ADHD

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts Fall 2020.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

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Published on January 20, 2020 20:39

How You Make Them Feel

ADHD & Marriage News - February 25, 2020

Quote of the Week

“People forget what you say and they forget what you do, but they never forget how you make them feel.”

-Maya Angelou

How You Make Them Feel

I tell people “choose people over stuff” and I mean it in exactly the way Angelou wrote about it. How you make people feel – your partner, your kids, your extended family and friends…THAT is what people will remember.

What does this mean? It means connecting beyond mere words. Engaging emotionally. It means leaving some stuff undone. It might mean, as it has in my own family, changing around your work schedules a bit to spend more time with family (both my husband and I have now done this).

For those with ADHD, the gift of attention – and specifically attention that connects you to others rather than just doing something together – is particularly tricky. Those whom I’ve observed have been most successful are those who teach themselves to drop what they are doing when an opportunity to connect with their partner and children comes along, and those who learn to listen well.

Could you improve your connections by doing the same?

I'm an experts TONIGHT, February 25th, 8PM EDT on the Women and ADHD Palooza. Free. Online. My topic: The Just Right Relationship. Learn more about this free resource.

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Resources

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

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Published on January 20, 2020 20:38

Life Cycle Issues

ADHD & Marriage News - February 12, 2020

Quote of the Week

“We need to recognize life-cycle events like moving out of a home or children going off to college or retirement. We don’t approach those elements of our lives ritualistically, but we should.”

-Rabbi Bob Alper

Life Cycle Issues

One of the trickiest parts of the life cycle of a marriage is the introduction of children into the family. For some reason we do a great job at telling people about the wonder, and a really terrible job of preparing them for how physically and emotionally demanding it will be.

Tons of hormones and possibly post-partum depression issues. Lack of sleep (which exacerbates ADHD symptoms and crankiness in both partners.) A sudden shift in the dynamics of the relationship (how many men have felt left out of the mother/child relationship, and miss their wives when they have less time for their partner?) For many, there are new financial pressures, too.

The broader community knows about these issues – we just don’t talk about it enough.

Perhaps it is time to create your own pre-baby ritual. Get some friends and family to ‘straight talk’ about the speed bumps they encountered when their children were born. And perhaps spend some time with your partner – celebrating your last moments as a twosome for the next 2 decades. The celebration will be worth it.

Looking for a great Valentine's gift for your partner? Register for my live seminar. Starts February 18th. Learn more.

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Resources

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

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Published on January 20, 2020 20:37

Calm and Storm

ADHD & Marriage News - February 5, 2020

Quote of the Week

“There are some things you learn best in calm, some in storm.”

- Willa Cather

Calm and Storm

I feel sad that Cather’s quote held true for me. When things were calm in my relationship it was easy for me to understand intellectually that I needed to treat my partner better, but hard for me to internalize emotionally that I had to really commit to DOING so. Then, when really stormy times came – times that were emotionally horrible for us both, and in which our marriage was immediately threatened, it became clear that I only had one path if I wanted to keep my marriage alive. I HAD TO treat my husband more kindly.

For all of you who, in your anger and resentment, are struggling with implementing the ideals of respect, kindness, empathy and validation, I hope that you will learn from my experiences. While some things are easier learned in that storm, it is an emotionally hard place to be. Instead, believe me when I tell you that you have no choice other than to work together, as a couple, to treat each other kindly and with respect. Otherwise, you will not thrive.

Why not do it now, while you are still speaking to each other and willing to work together, rather than wait for that storm to come?

February is the month of love! Starting February 18th - Session 1 of my Live Couples Seminar: Optimizing ADHD treatment; Understanding the differences between you - and 7 more sessions after that! My Non-ADHD Support groups, both am and pm, start Feb 17th. Don't Delay, registration is NOW OPEN for all courses!

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship.

ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.

Resources

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

View more on Melissa Orlov's website »

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Published on January 20, 2020 20:35

Benefits of Diagnosis

ADHD & Marriage News - January 29, 2020

Quote of the Week

“Now you have your problem in front of you rather than between you..”

- Comment from a family member to an adult newly diagnosed with ADHD and her partner

Benefits of Diagnosis

I loved being sent this message, because it really speaks to one of the biggest benefits of getting an evaluation to see if one or both of you might have ADHD. If you do end up with a diagnosis you finally have an explanation for what’s been going on in your relationship! And a much more direct path to improving how you are together.

By naming ADHD – and also by acknowledging that responses to ADHD are really important – the two of you can finally be on the same team, working together to find the life, and the love, you thought you had lost. What could be better?

REGISTRATION IS OPEN! Is your relationship in trouble? The next live session starts February 18, 2020. My highly acclaimed, 8-session phone seminar, ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship!

ADHDmarriage.com offers many free resources including: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.... Plus How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD .

Seminars:

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar provides hope, information and the tools you need to move to thrive in a healthier, happier relationship. The live session starts February 18, 2020.

Questions? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

View more on Melissa Orlov's website »

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Published on January 20, 2020 20:31

Held Hostage

ADHD & Marriage News - January 23, 2020

Quote of the Week

“Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.”

-Chinese Proverb

Held Hostage

Are you suffering because you are held hostage by your past? If you’re not sure, here are some examples:

You feel you can’t work on issues you’ve had with your partner because your partner will let you down again – he always has in the past.
Things are going better, and your ADHD partner has been significantly more organized for the last 6 months. But then she makes a big mistake. Rather than view the mistake through the positive lens of the recent improvements, you are triggered back to the ‘bad old days’ of constant under-performance and stop noticing the positive.
You are the ADHD partner in the above example. When you make a mistake you think to yourself I knew it – I’m never going to be able to do this!

With treatment and effort people with ADHD really can learn to manage their ADHD. And with the right sorts of toolsets, couples impacted by ADHD really can do much, much better. But it is MUCH easier if you are willing to forgive your past together and move ahead thinking about today and tomorrow and not letting your past drag you down.

The most effective way to do this is to change your mindset from We’re never going to get this to We did the best we could do with the tools we had…but now we have better tools and are learning how to do better.

With good ADHD treatment and ADHD-friendly strategies for both of you, you really can leave your past behind!

I am one of the experts at the ADHD and Middle School Summit. Learn more about this free resource.

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

Resources

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

View more on Melissa Orlov's website »

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Published on January 20, 2020 20:31

January 9, 2020

What Does a Good Relationship Look Like When One Partner has ADHD?

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 01/09/2020.
Start here Joy in Marriages with ADHD

I was recently asked this question in one of my non-ADHD support groups and I realized this is certainly a topic upon which I should write! To explore the idea, I thought I would give you some examples of successful couples impacted by ADHD, as well as tell you a bit about why and how my own relationship works. These couples (real folks I have worked with) represent some of the qualities common to successful ADHD relationships.

Acceptance of each person's issues and acceptance of each partner's way of being

Old situation: Bob has ADHD and his primary coping strategy for dealing with ADHD and his partner used to be retreat. His non-ADHD wife brought a significant amount of anger to the marriage from her childhood experiences, then added the classic parenting issues on top of that as her husband retreated and under-functioned due to ADHD symptoms and conflict avoidance. Once he retired they irritated each other so much they really questioned whether they could stay together. New situation: She came to terms with her anger at both her family and him, and has worked through it with the help of a professional. As part of that, she made a commitment not to parent him. He got treatment for his ADHD, and committed to becoming more reliable in the relationship. One of his top tools for this is a white board he uses each week to organize every day. They learned a great deal about ADHD and now have a better understanding of all that implies, allowing each person to accept his/her differences from the other. They have developed several things around which they connect, including travel and playing bridge and genuinely enjoy each other's company now. He also has a deep interest in his hobby, but regulates how much time he spends doing it so they have more time together and she doesn't feel lonely. She marvels "it still amazes me what he comes up with sometimes!" but she says it with affection, not as a critique. They have come to realize just how different they are, and appreciate those differences. She no longer tries to change him, and he no longer tries to resist her.

An overt, thoughtful way to connect around what is important.

Having ADHD in your relationship means you must think about your priorities in a way that resembles triage - there is way too much to do, the ADHD partner has trouble differentiating important from not important (what is in the present moment and 'feels good' is a much bigger motivator than 'important' if you have ADHD because of how your brain is wired) and you have to pick and choose. Old situation: This busy couple are both doctors and they have several kids. They were completely losing track of each other, often in opposition to each other. New situation: They couldn't de-stress their lives because of their careers, but they could be overt about how to address their issues. They decided to focus on conflict resolution and building connection. Because they were busy and one partner had ADHD, they decided that they needed to schedule their approach. They added one hour Saturday morning and one hour Sunday morning during which each partner could talk about whatever they needed to talk about that was emotional for them. They also added once a month outings where they got a sitter, spent an afternoon at a hotel talking as they needed, went for a romantic dinner for two, and spent the night. They put a premium on respectful interactions, and made sure that problems didn't have time to build up. Simultaneously, each partner looked for small ways to say "I love you." One of my favorites was that when she was showering he would take her towel and warm it up in the dryer for her.

Respectful interactions, including active anger management.

Old situation: One of the biggest issues in my own relationship was lack of respectful interactions once we started struggling as a couple. This took on a lot of different forms: my parenting my partner, his retreating rather than engaging (classic parent-child dynamics); his distraction leading to my feeling lonely; he developed a 'the hell with you' attitude and I was always on his case, trying to get him to do better. In addition, he was very emotionally volatile, easily triggered and extremely defensive - a combination of his ADHD (emotional dysregulation is a part of ADHD) and how I was treating him. I was chronically angry and frustrated. New situation: My husband has come to recognize the role ADHD plays in our relationship and has committed to taking care of it in multiple ways and does a good job with that. I have moved completely away from parenting him. My internalized point of view is no longer 'you need to be changed' but rather 'you are an adult and have every right to do things the way you choose, just as I do.' The challenge isn't about who is right, but how to negotiate our differences...and how to have FUN! Each partner 'gives' to the other, depending upon how important something is to that partner. We also have created a life that is 'ADHD-friendly' (see below). My most important priority is that I feel well enough loved, and we have done that quite successfully.

Each partner leads when appropriate, but the non-ADHD partner still leads more

Though not always the case, it is most often true that the non-ADHD partner is better able to stay organized and plan ahead. This means that if you want a social life, it's usually the non-ADHD partner who leads in that - particularly if that partner is female. Old situation: I used to feel that it was important that my husband schedule dates because this ability had become a sort of litmus test for whether or not he could pay enough attention to me and think about my needs. New situation: Over time I realized that sometimes mt husband is able to do this, but more often he isn't. Our new approach is that I generally lead on our social life and dates, and that he very happily goes along with whatever I plan and we have a great time. Since what I want is to connect, and since I no longer feel he needs to 'prove' his love by scheduling dates, this works for me. (It has an added benefit that I get to choose stuff I really like to do!) Though scheduling events is not his forte, he is quite good at picking up other things I hate doing, such as making reservations and planning trips. So what we have done is shift responsibilities to align with each partner's strength, rather than arbitrarily say that one or the other partner 'ought' to be able to do X.

Frosting on the cake: building a life that fits well with ADHD

Not all couples can do this, but if you can, it makes life much easier. Old situation: When a couple has young kids they often have a lot of 'must do-s' that are boring as all get out and are relatively urgent (you can't leave a dirty diaper on for a week, for example.) But as we learned more about ADHD and our kids have gotten older, we've had a chance to better align our daily lives in a way that de-stresses us and, therefore, makes it easier to connect. Some of the things we have done:

align George's job with his favorite activities - assessments and recommendations for tech strategy. He is a rock star at this, and his last two jobs have been all about doing this.
start working part-time to free up hours for fun. This is recent, but working well
move to a more fun place to live, that allows us to be outside and more active during the year. Exercise is always important, but even more so for those with ADHD.
create connection moments throughout the day. We have both worked from home for over a decade, and eat most meals together, go to bed at the same time now (didn't used to) and set time aside to ride bikes together, go to concerts and talks, and be with friends. This puts a lower percentage of our lives in the 'drudgery that must be done' category.
hire help. We are lucky enough to be able to hire someone to help clean our home every other week. This is an amazingly effective way to lessen disagreements over 'stuff' and cleaning
travel. Most of the couples I work with do quite well when they are away from home and exploring new places rather than crossing things off their to do list. We've committed to taking two big trips a year now that our kids are grown, and preparing for those trips (for example, getting into shape by riding our bikes more) brings joy all year round. These are usually active trips, which is a good fit with ADHD as well as something we both enjoy.

So those are my initial thoughts. Do you have ideas you would like to add?

Tags: parent/child dynamic, joy, happy, acceptance, adhd treatment

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Published on January 09, 2020 10:46

December 17, 2019

Non-ADHD Support Group Starts in January

Hello!

I am now providing support groups for non-ADHD partners. If you are interested, the next group begins January 15th and meets BY PHONE 8 evenings at 7pm eastern time.

Here are some details about how it works:

given by phone - call in from anywhere
recorded so if you miss one or two you can still hear the group (NOTE: please do not register if you cannot make the majority of the meetings. We ask you most often attended live.)
post-group write ups delineate both the problems and the approaches that were discussed in the group for easy reference
past group participants get priority for future groups
maximum of 14 participants - creating a balance between hearing different experiences and being able to express yourself

For more details and registration, please go to this page. If you have any questions, please contact me.

Sincerely,

Melissa Orlov

P.S. My acclaimed ADHD Effect couples seminar, starting January 13, is given by conference call and led by me. This is my premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples. It provides hope, information and the tools you need to move to thrive in a healthier, happier relationship. Learn more

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Published on December 17, 2019 17:01

Your Marriage - But Better

Ready to learn how to improve your relationship? My acclaimed ADHD Effect couples seminar can give you the tools you need to do so!

"Better than any therapy session we've had. It was filled with practical information and the approach was right on."

The seminar starts JANUARY 13, 2020. I record all of the sessions, so if you miss one (or more) you will still get all of the great tips and information you need.

"...I have my best friend back."

Here are just a few of the things you'll learn in this upcoming class:

How to stop an argument before it gets out of control
New tools for getting out of parent/child dynamics and why that's so important
What the latest in treatment research says you should do to manage ADHD
How to communicate more effectively in everyday life
How to stop the chore wars

"Your class had life-changing effects on our marriage. Thank you!"

There is no downside. It is given by conference call, which can be accessed by phone or computer, anywhere in the world (different locations for each of you is fine). I also offer a guarantee: a 100% refund up to the third session. Really, it's a win/win/win/win...(you get the idea!) I'm happy to answer any questions you might have about the seminar - just contact me.

Hope you'll join in!

Melissa

P.S. Non-ADHD Partner Support Group, starting January 15, are given by conference call and led by Melissa Orlov. Each session focuses on one or two topics a week that are submitted by group members for in-depth exploration. Participants support each other, explore their biggest issues and most pressing problems, and get advice from Melissa - and from each other - each week. Learn more

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Published on December 17, 2019 15:40

November 21, 2019

How to Get a Better Night's Sleep

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 11/21/2019.
Melissa's Favorite Posts Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD

Our lives are busy and it can be really hard to fall asleep and stay asleep. Here's a worksheet from my couples seminar on what you need to know..

The Bedroom Environment

Definitely do:

Cool temperature
Comfortable bedding – for some who are restless, this might included a weighted blanket
Very dark room (or use comfortable eye shades) – minimize charger, computer, electronic lights. No blue or green lights (cover light indicator with black electrical tape if on a charger, etc.)
No reading with electronic blue light (computers, tablets, etc.- use a blue light filter such as comes on your device or the app Twilight if you must use them)

Consider:

Allergy reduction (particularly dust mites) with mattress and pillow covers, less carpeting
White noise machine or calming noise
Noise masking sleep buds, such as Bose, to block out snoring, traffic, etc.

Calming Your Mind and Body

Definitely do:

Set a ‘window’ for getting to bed 85% of time (ex: 10:00-10:30pm).* Be as consistent as possible so your body learns the rhythm.
Understand your transition. How long does it take you from the time you decide to go to bed before you actually get into it? Leave enough time for this routine.
Take 2 minutes slow, deep breathing (focus on breath going in and out of your body) with feet on floor, eyes closed before getting into bed. This helps move your body into “rest and digest’ mode.
Exercise, but not in the evening close to bed. (Rigorous daytime exercise aids sleep.)
Make sure ADHD medications aren’t keeping you up (move latest dose earlier in day if they are)
Keep a notepad and pen on your nightstand to capture ideas so they don’t keep you up
Limit stimulating TV shows right before bed (also, light of TV suppresses melatonin)…turn TV off completely at least 45 minutes before lights out

Consider:

Developing a short mindfulness meditation practice
Listening to calming music or noises
Doing a progressive muscle relaxation exercise (moving from toes to top of head, visualize relaxing one muscle at a time – eyes closed.)
Visualizing a place you find relaxing.
Taking 20 minutes before you start your going to bed routine to plan out the next day and lessen anxiety about it.
If you take magnesium supplements, consider taking them before bed, as they can aid in sleep

Falling Asleep / Staying Asleep

Definitely do:

Drink less alcohol, and not after 8pm (digests as sugar and wakes you up)
Eat lighter dinners, and not after 8pm
A few minutes of whatever slows your mind down (soft music, crosswords, reading a few pages – NOT online media – something non-anxiety producing and non-stimulating!)
Use the power of cuddling and relaxing in your partner’s arms – touch can be a good soother.
If you wake up in the middle of the night it may be a circadian rhythm issue (rather than really needing a bathroom break). Deep breathing before bed might help with this. Deep breathing when you wake up can also be helpful. In addition, one reason people can’t get back to sleep if they wake up in the middle of the night is anxiety about falling back to sleep. Instead of worrying about “oh, no, I might not be able to get back to sleep again!”, just relax into it and think, “this will pass.”
Address a partner’s snoring. Ask your partner to try to lessen it (ex: sleep on side instead of back; drink less; get an evaluation for sleep apnea; use snore strips; get a formed pillow that holds the neck in a better position such as Dr. Bob’s pillow) and consider ear plugs or even moving to another room during snore fests.

Consider:

Taking 3-5 mg of Melatonin
Limiting afternoon caffeine (definitely do this if you think it’s keeping you awake!)
Managing stimulant medications so that they don’t interfere with sleep – time you latest dose in the day so it wears off before 8:30pm
Avoiding afternoon naps
A stress management program if the level of stress in your life is keeping you awake at night
Replacing coffee or other caffeinated beverages (or some of your coffee, if you drink many cups) with a high quality 120mg Ginko Biloba supplement – this sends incremental blood flow to the brain and may make you more alert. As with all additions of meds or supplements, double check your meds against this to make sure there are no known potential interactions.

Making Your Body Healthier for Sleep

Definitely do:

Eat a healthy, veggie/lean protein diet with lots of fiber and probiotics to support good gut health (connected to good sleep)
Lower your stress levels overall – stress hormones interrupt sleep
Choose a bedtime that allows you to wake up without an alarm. If you can’t do, that, you should seek an earlier bedtime

*One way to determine what window is optimal for sleep is to track the quality of your sleep with an app or Fitbit over several weeks. It will likely show you a timeframe within which you get good quality sleep and the most of it. It will also likely show you the benefits of exercise for sleep if you are also tracking that.

I have found this useful in learning that I sleep better if I have lights out by 10:15pm than if I turn them out after 11pm. With the former I tend to get more REM and deep sleep minutes.

Revised 7-19

Tags: sleep, medication, mindfulness, melatonin, blue light, electronics

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Published on November 21, 2019 08:08

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