Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 47
May 6, 2019
Learn More About Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria - 5/23
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
A lot of couples I work with have been curious about the idea of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), wondering if the ADHD partner in their relationship might have it. I've posted about what RSD is, as well as how it impacts spouses of adults with ADHD. Now, for those who want to go directly to the top expert on this topic, Dr. William Dodson is giving a free seminar on the topic on May 23, 2019. You don't actually have to listen to it live - those who register are sent a link to listen any time. For those with extreme emotional lability, this will be good information. Register at this link.
Tags: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, RSD, seminar
May 1, 2019
Curiosity
Quote of the Week
“…one of the most important things to me is that my children and grandchildren are curious. Because, if you’re not curious, you’re not smart.”
-Sandra Day O’Connor
Curiosity
Curiosity is a really great thing in life, and also in your relationship. As O’Connor suggests, there is a great deal to be gained from being curious about the world around you. I would suggest that there is just as much to gain by being curious about your partner and his or her opinions.
So much so, in fact, that I teach couples a conversational technique called ‘Curiosity Conversations.’ In a curiosity conversation one partner starts with a topic in which they are interested – perhaps 5-7 sentences about their feelings or concerns. The questioning partner then asks a series of open-ended (only!) questions to find out more.
Some examples: “Why do you feel that way?” or “What do you think is underneath that feeling?” or “What’s most important about that for you?” The partner who is the ‘speaker’ can also ask open-ended questions, such as “What do you think about this?” or “How does what I’m saying strike you?” and “what are you feeling right now?”
This technique isn’t for every conversation, but the idea of being curious is. You can always help move your conversation forward, and help your partner feel heard, by asking open-ended questions and learning more about what’s really going on.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
This, Too, Shall Pass
Quote of the Week
“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches on the soul."
- Emily Dickinson
This, Too, Shall Pass
In my opinion, ‘hopeless’ is one of the saddest feelings we can have. And sometimes, when ADHD is in the picture, both ADHD and non-ADHD partners can go to this dark place. It usually has to do with the repetitive nature of the struggle. Perhaps you have ADHD and you’re working really hard to manage it, but struggling to make things stick. You wonder whether or not you’ll ever get things ‘well enough’ managed. Or you just can’t seem to get your partner to be more understanding.
Perhaps you don’t have ADHD, but are impacted by your partner’s ADHD. Hopelessness in that situation often comes from feeling that ADHD will always impact you, and in inconsistent ways that are hard to anticipate.
You both want the struggle to just stop, yet it seems as if it just pops back.
When I’m feeling that way (and I do, sometimes, so you aren’t alone) I try to walk away from the hopelessness and turn towards self care. I know that the hopelessness is temporary…and that I will feel relief the fastest if I don’t wallow in it. Thinking ‘this, too, shall pass’ helps me find hope again. And as it ‘perches on my soul’ I feel I am, once again, ready to take flight.
Next time you’re feeling hopeless, remind yourself that this feeling is fleeting, and seek out something that restores you. ADHD may be repetitive, and you may be faced with a similar feeling in the future, but as you heal they become shorter and much further in between.
Above, I offer advice for both partners. If you don’t have ADHD, hopelessness often comes from feeling that ADHD will always impact you, and in inconsistent ways that are hard to anticipate..... My Non-ADHD support group series begins June 17, 2019. Submit your topics & I'll choose 1-2 per week for in-depth exploration.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
April 30, 2019
He Has ADHD, Too
Quote of the Week
“How good we can become at something has nothing to do with how good we are at the start.”
-Astronaut Scott Kelly
He Has ADHD, Too
I recently saw Scott Kelly speak about his experiences growing up. He struggled in much the way many with ADHD struggle (he says he most likely has ADHD) – difficulty in school, trouble paying attention. Things didn’t come easily to him. He failed some of the first navy tests that he needed to pass in order to become a pilot. Some in authority suggested he try something else. But he had a passion for flying, and kept at it.
He has other qualities often associated with ADHD, too – he’s a dreamer. He’s intrepid and personable. He perseveres on that which genuinely interests him.
One of the most important parts of succeeding with ADHD is engaging with what you have a passion for and persevering. It provides direction, and the reward that fires up the ADHD brain.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
April 23, 2019
CBD Oil for ADHD...cont.
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
CHADD just put together a good article about the possible use of CBD oil as a treatment for ADHD - what's know and what''s not. You can read the article here, but the bottom line is that there is not yet evidence that it helps, and there is evidence that it is harmful for children under 16 (that age being the one in a research study...so somewhat arbitrary...the idea being CBD oil and developing brains don't mix). Further - since it's unregulated, you really have to know the product you are buying to know if it is consistent and what you are seeking.
There are other non-medicinal approaches to managing ADHD, such as exercise, mindfulness and, for some, the addition of Omega-3s and elimination of gluten (only for those who have had undiagnosed celiac, which is about 15%of the ADHD population.) These have been shown in published research to be both safe and effective...choose them instead, until more is known about CBD oil.
Tags: CBD oil; ADHD treatment, adults, fish oil, exercise, mindfulness
April 20, 2019
Dr. Hallowell Looking For Women Who Think They Might Have ADHD
Dr. Ned Hallowell is doing a documentary about ADHD and is looking for women who have not yet been diagnosed, but think they might have ADHD. If you would like to be filmed for his documentary, then please contact his assistant, Dianne, to see if you might qualify. You can reach her at HallowellEvents@yahoo.com. The producers will screen you to see if you are appropriate for their project.
If you end up doing the documentary, the experience will include a free evaluation by Dr. Hallowell. Here is more of what he writes about the project:
"Obviously, this is not for everyone. But if you are the kind of person who’d like to appear on screen and make a difference by showing what ADHD is really like, by showing the strengths and the power it packs, as well as the frustrations, and if you are a woman over 24 years old and you believe you might have ADHD, then contact Dianne.
We hope this documentary will make a big difference. It won’t come out until January of 2021, so there’s a lot of work yet to be done. Let us know if you want to be part of it."
February 28, 2019
Upcoming ADHD Workshops and Seminars
March 5, 2019 at noon EST with Melissa Orlov. FREE Webinar: Just Right!: Balancing ADHD and Non-ADHD Needs in Your Relationship. ADHD and non-ADHD partners can be quite different - in physiology; how they are in the world; problem solving; backgrounds; skill sets; and much more. Plus, there are the ADHD symptoms and non-ADHD reactions to those symptoms. With all these differences it can be hard to feel heard and valued. In this talk Melissa Orlov, founder of ADHDmarriage.com and author of two award-winning books on ADHD and relationships, gives you tips on how to create a 'fair' and responsive relationship that you feel is 'just right' for you both. Access for FREE until 3/20. Register Here
Don't Delay - Next Non-ADHD support group series begins 3/20, 2019 and the Spring session of Couples Seminar starts March 26.
February 1, 2019
How to Grieve for the Relationship You Didn't Get
Melissa's Favorite PostsAnger, Frustration & ADHD
How it Begins
In the beginning, there was the hyper-focus courtship. For many couples where one or both of them has ADHD, the high levels of dopamine that accompany ALL infatuation masked ADHD. This is because ADHD is caused, in part, by low levels of dopamine. ‘Infatuation dopamine’, as I think of it, does a great job of connecting the two of you. If you’re like we were, be both knew quite quickly we wanted to be with the other person. My husband (the one with ADHD) was hyper attentive; thought up amazing, fun and creative things to do together, and had a little bit of a mysterious ‘edge’ to him that made the relationship even more exciting. To him, I was smart, interesting, even-keeled, and fun to be with. We were madly in love and started living together after 3 months. Sound familiar?
Sadly, that extra dopamine wears off between 2 and 2.5 years into your relationship, according to Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. Suddenly, you are faced with a different person as a partner – someone who shows the signs of ADHD – often distracted; not particularly attentive; having trouble following through and often not on time. Still a great person…just not quite the person you thought you were with. In courtship you envision a life-long partnership with an attentive partner. When that dopamine wears off you are dropped into a distracted, lonely, sometimes angry relationship.
In our case, no one knew about the ADHD. This is common…about 80% of adult ADHD is currently undiagnosed. So there was no explanation, and I suffered - thinking that my husband didn’t love me anymore; that he was mad at me; that I had done something wrong. We fell into ALL of the typical behaviors that couples fall into when they are impacted by ADHD. A symptom would show up (say distraction). I would misinterpret it (thinking he didn’t love me because he wasn’t paying attention to me) and become hurt or angry. He would respond to my comments and/or attacks by being angry back. Soon we were fighting about fighting. There was so much that we didn’t understand back then about what was going on!
In any event, at some point, BOTH partners look back and think “this relationship isn’t at ALL what I thought I had signed up for!” I was sad that the attentive, helpful man I had met now almost never paid attention to me and when I was out of sight I was definitely out of mind. My husband, for his part, was sad that he thought he had married a calm, fun person and had ended up with an angry, harping, unrecognizable witch.
Responses to the realization that this is not at all what you both expected vary – I, for example, said to myself “well, if this is all there is to romance, I might as well start my family!” (Yes, I know, not the first strategy I would now recommend!) My husband’s response was to retreat further from me because it didn’t feel good being with me. Others become bitter and angry, blaming their partner for their difficult lives. Or live in pain, without understanding how to address it – or even that they need to. But this pain does need to be addressed…and if you’re feeling it, please read on.
Why It’s Important to Grieve
Not all couples struggle with ADHD and responses to ADHD. But if you do, then you probably have some grieving to do. Your relationship isn’t what you had dreamed it could be. That doesn’t mean it is a bad relationship for you, even if things are not going well at the moment. And the fact that you feel disappointment or bitterness doesn’t mean that either you or your partner is a bad person. It simply means that you have been impacted by “The ADHD Effect” and have some obstacles to overcome before you will find the happiness you seek. It also means that the form of your happiness will likely be quite a bit different from what you originally envisioned. That’s okay…but to get there, it’s extremely helpful to grieve the fact that your relationship is different from what you expected…and that right now it doesn’t feel all that good.
Why am I such a big fan of grieving? Because until you acknowledge and accept that your reality is quite different from your dreams, you can’t fully enjoy your real life. You’re held hostage by your sadness, which colors many of your interactions. And you may also be ruining the relationship you do have by either clinging to that old dream and trying to change your partner into the person you dreamed he or she would be (as I did) or you may be in ‘fight or flight’ mode either lashing out or retreating (as my husband was). Neither works to connect you.
What IS Grieving?
Grieving is looking at your sadness, regret and pain and, over time, coming to the understanding that there are some things you can’t change. Death, for example, or a horrific accident, or the fact that your child has cancer – these are the kinds of things we normally associate with grieving. ADHD is like that, too. Yes, the two of you can dramatically improve your relationship once you get to a place where you both accept ‘what is’ and also learn ‘what can change.’ But as long as you hang onto your original dreams of the relationship you don’t have, you impede your progress towards finding the happiness you seek in the relationship you do have.
I was speaking yesterday with a woman who told me “I’m a doer – my father had cancer, and up until the day he died I was still looking for the thing that would cure him.” While she has now accepted her father’s death as reality, she’s having trouble grieving her relationship loss because she still wants to believe she can ‘fix’ the ADHD ‘problem.’ She’s not all wrong – we have a lot of influence over how we live our lives. But there are some things that we can’t change – death…and the presence of adult ADHD…are two of them. We can use medical science to stay healthy much longer. We can use behavioral and mental health science to vastly improve life with adult ADHD. But we can’t fully eliminate either of them.*
Grieving is about understanding that we are not as powerful as we would like to be and that while we have influence, our influence has limits.
How Do You Grieve?
Grieving is a deeply personal process, so I will share what I went through and what I have observed others do.
After many years, it could no longer wait. My sadness about the obvious gap between dreams and reality needed exploring. So I journaled. I read. I talked – with friends, sometimes with my husband about my sadness – which he shared. I took better care of myself and taught myself to love myself again so that I was in a position of strength to better take on this pain. I explored what my life was, and I tried to sort out the positive from the negative. That search for the positive was a really important part of my grieving. While I felt hopeless, it was really hard to accept ‘what was.’ It was just too painful! When I could find some positive parts, it was easier to say ‘this is what is…and there are ways to make the good parts better while understanding how to negotiate the bad.’ It made me feel sad to think about the lost years, but also hopeful to think about a better future. While ADHD isn’t changeable, how we deal with ADHD is.
Educating myself about ADHD was critical. When I didn’t understand ADHD, I misinterpreted the symptomatic behaviors – almost always in a negative way. His ‘distraction’ was interpreted as lack of affection rather than a non-emotional symptom. It’s hard, if you don’t understand ADHD, not to feel bitter when you (incorrectly) think the person who is supposed to love you the most no longer does.
As I was doing all of this learning I came to the conclusion that we were both good people who had gotten lost. That we had given it our best (in our own ways) and we had both reacted in ways that were human and understandable. I learned that not only was my husband’s ADHD a huge issue, but so were my responses to his ADHD. I realized that what I needed was to forgive myself for all of the poor choices I had made…and forgive my husband for all of the poor behaviors and choices he had made, too.
I came to a conclusion that helped me greatly as I moved through my grief. We had both done the best we could, with the information that we had had…which turned out to be incomplete because it had lacked the ADHD component.
It’s sad that we didn’t know what we were doing. But I couldn’t hang onto my ignorance forever. If I could accept my own actions and forgive them, and accept my partner’s actions and forgive them, then I could put my sadness into context and move ahead. Yes, we had made many mistakes. Yes, we had had dreams of the perfect relationship, which I now understood were based in that short, hyper-focused courtship phase. I understood why I was sad and felt it was OKAY to be sad…but that continuing to hold onto that sadness wouldn’t change anything.
After finding acceptance, I was ready to take the next step - asking “what do I want this pain I’ve experienced to turn into?” I knew for sure that I needed to create a life in which I was happy and whole and that I was the best person to take responsibility for that. I am responsible for my own happiness – not my husband, or kids, or anyone else.
So I figured out who I wanted to be (certainly NOT that aggressive witch!!) and started acting that way. Armed with knowledge I accepted my husband, and started treating him with empathy and respect. He responded quite quickly – taking on his ADHD issues with more rigor etc. Yes, we had bumps but we did make it through…and it all started with my deciding that I didn’t have as much control as I thought I did…unless I wanted to leave, which I didn’t want to do until I felt confident that all other avenues had been exhausted.
This sort of shift doesn’t change the fact that the struggles of our early relationship aren’t sad. It will always be sad that we spent years in which we could have been happy in a miserable struggle…just as it will always be sad that my mother, who died at too early an age in 2008, has not been around to see the amazing people her grandchildren have become. But in both cases, asking, “what do I want this pain to turn into” is a useful tool. I can use the information and wisdom I’ve gained to (along with my husband) to grab life and create joy – not relying on far off dreams, but right now, today, based on who we really are as people.
*About 20-30% of kids diagnosed with ADHD no longer qualify for a diagnosis of ADHD as an adult. It is unclear why this happens, though it’s thought that some of it might be misdiagnosis and some of it might be putting strong coping strategies in place that manage ADHD to a point of no longer qualifying. Adult ADHD, however, does not go away and, in fact, can intensify with age.
Tags: Grief, hyper-focus courtship, sad
January 22, 2019
A Lifetime of Interruptions...Interrupted!
Communication Tips with ADHD
This is a wonderful story of how learning about ADHD has led one couple to much healthier, less exhausting interactions around interruptions. This woman’s insight, and her husband’s recognition of its validity means they are able to work together to lessen what used to be a really negative interaction between them.
Here is their story.
"One struggle we have always had is that my husband with ADHD is interruptive, makes assumptions and starts moving his body towards action before he has even heard what I say, convinced that he has "got me right'. Much of my time has been spent saying "no, that isn't what I meant/said/asked etc." I have told him it is rude and time wasting, but he persists, even though it drives me nuts. I can often barely get a sentence out before he is off and running and usually in the wrong direction for the wrong reason. He also has a habit of assuming that he hasn't heard what was just said and says "What did you just say?" a lot. In all of this I recognize his wanting to please and be helpful, but the assumptions/interruptions nevertheless are an annoyance and time-waster.
Recently I had a flash of insight when he interrupted and assumed what I was in the midst of saying, (wrong assumption of course), as to WHY he interrupts and assumes so much: It is because he uses these methods to "get himself back on track" or to re-focus and catch up to what he missed when I started talking and he was not yet paying attention: By assuming and finishing my sentences for me, he gets me to respond and in my responses I correct his incorrect assumptions, i.e. - "No, what I meant was this." Or I repeat myself, or ask him to sit down and not rush off to do what he "thinks" he heard; he gets INFORMATION from me that puts him back in the conversation without him experiencing the feeling of being lost or "out of it". It helps him save face as well. Interrupting also serves a need for him in a similar way: I start over and re-explain (so he gets a 2nd chance at hearing me, a chance to focus) without admitting he had tuned out. We've had many fights because I have been so fed up with being interrupted, having to correct his wrong understandings of what I have said, but NOW I understand WHY he does this, and as you have said in some emails you send, education (understanding) is everything.
I told him on the spot about my insight and he saw it in himself right away and was dumb-founded to realize that he had been using these strategies (unaware) all his life in order to compensate for "tuning out", and had also developed the habit of NOT listening because he expects to have most people close to him to repeat things at least 2x. Often he will say "what did you say?" without checking himself to see if he really heard or not, he just asks me to repeat and of course, this annoys me. My husband says he "relaxes" with me and doesn't do these behaviors so much with others, such as with his clients and I believe him.
Some strategies I use now to prevent my annoyance and help him break his habit of interrupting, assuming, and not listening:
When I perceive that he is asking me to repeat when he has not yet checked himself to see if he has heard, I pause before I repeat, sometimes I just won't repeat and he thinks and then he realizes he DID hear me; or I say "What did I say, I think you heard me?" and about 50% of the time, he thinks for a second, and realizes he did hear me. Slowly, very slowly he is learning to pause for a moment and think before he asks me to repeat; I use this judiciously, not to punish or make him feel bad. When I perceive his mind is elsewhere for an important reason, I just repeat. I don't do this in front of other people.
When something is very important to me, I ask him before delving in, "Are you able to listen now?" so he knows that he needs to focus for a moment or two;
When he interrupts or assumes, I cut him off (softly and politely) and say, "What did you miss?” or "Where did you get lost?” or "Please share with me your understanding of what I said so far.” In other words, I acknowledge that the ADHD is at work and cut to the chase of HIM dealing with his inability to attend, because I find myself exhausted from re-explaining, repeating myself, or when it goes really far, helping him to manage the chaos his incorrect assumptions have caused, etc. . Lovingly "cornering" him about it forces him to see what he is doing, and he is (very slowly) starting to say "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention" BEFORE he starts to interrupt or assume what I am saying. It saves us time for sure.
The ADHD belongs to him and while I may understand and even admire the strategies he has developed to manage the inattention, at some point they put a massive strain on ME, and I have handed that piece back to my husband. This makes me feel less powerless, less frustrated, less irritated with him, and gives me back some personal time, while encouraging him to manage his ADHD without draining me so much. Surely other ADHD partners use conversational interruption/assumptions in the same way..."
Tags: interrupting, owning ADHD
December 11, 2018
Best Holiday Gift EVER - Better Sleep!
Resources
Perhaps six months ago or more one of my readers sent me a link to be part of the Beta testing group for the new Bose noise masking sleep buds. My husband snores - sometimes (if he's been drinking) like a freight train. And I'm not a heavy sleeper, so it was a bad combo. I had tried ear plugs. He had tried nose strips. He had figured out how to sleep on his side, which helped, but the reality was that he still snored...a lot.
If you have a snorer in your household, you need a pair of these sleep buds. Yes, at $249 they are expensive. But the health benefits make this really worth it. There is a good amount of research that suggests that your partner's snoring takes a huge toll on you. It sure was on me and I wasn't even fully aware of it, though I knew I was frequently tired. That's now changed. I haven't slept so well in years - literally.
You control the sleep buds through an app on your phone, which allows you to choose what sounds you like, set the volume and, also, to set an alarm for the morning (which will wake you up, but not jar you awake.) The alarm comes through the earbuds themselves. They are also much more comfortable than ear plugs.
The only adjustment I have had to make is I have had to find a different pillow. My very hard pillow didn't work as well with them as I liked (made noise on the ear buds) though Bose says they are fixing this issue.
Now my fear? That I'll forget them on a business trip or some such...and have to revert to long, interrupted nights of little sleep.
Tags: Bose sleep buds, sleep, snoring, sleep apnea
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