Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 50
August 30, 2018
Your Priorities
Quote of the Week
“The key is not to prioritize your schedule but to schedule your priorities."
- Stephen Covey
Your Priorities
If you have ADHD, Covey’s comment is critically important, and very hard to pull off. ADHD means that you often get distracted from what you are doing, that it’s hard to stay organized, and that you have trouble focusing on what’s important, vs. what feels good at that very moment.
But if you don’t schedule your priorities, as Covey suggests, you will lose track of your partner. How many times have you heard “we just grew apart” about a couple that ended up divorcing? Most likely, they forgot that their most important priority was each other, not their projects, chores or work.
Your partner is most likely your number one priority. Do you have a schedule of time to ‘attend’ to each other? If not, you need to start. Literally. Write things into your schedule, and stick to them! Consider any of the following:
• Every other week date night – schedule them all (including a regular babysitter), and alternate who plans
• Saturday or Sunday afternoon couple time, during which you pledge to have an adventure or do something together you both agree you such as go for a hike and chat
• Breakfast together without the morning news or paper
• Nightly dinner sitting at a table, with no cell phones in sight
• Parents’ morning. You both stay in bed, and kids have special permission to watch TV or play video games and eat protein bars for breakfast…as long as they don’t disturb you
• Monthly parent play dates – partner with close friends who have kids of similar ages. Once a month one set of parents takes all the kids for 2-3 hours, freeing you up to do…whatever you wish (hopefully, fun and some sort of focusing on each other.)
And here’s one more tip – while you are scheduling each other in, don’t get too hung up on who ‘leads’ on this. You both win when you are together, having fun, and remembering what you love about each other. If the more organized partner has to initiate the discussion about what to do, so be it.
January will be the start of 4 groups: Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar, my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar, ADHD Support Group - New Habit Group Coaching and a Non-ADHD Support Group.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
Saving Others
Quote of the Week
“You cannot save people from themselves.
All you can do is stand firmly in your hopes for them, with compassion."
— Bryant McGill
Saving Others
One of the mistakes I made earlier in my marriage is that I tried to ‘improve’ my husband. In my mind, he did a whole lot of things wrong, and if I could only show him how to do them better, he would be ‘saved’ from his own worst instincts.
It didn’t work. And, in retrospect, I am amazed by the amount of hubris it took to even think that way.
Later, I learned to effect change in my own life in a different way – by having faith that my husband could, if he were genuinely interested, be different with me. That he could – and perhaps would – find a path that was ‘right’ for him, and also excellent for me. I needed to communicate my dreams for me – for us – and work with him to create a better future together. One that took his desires and approach into account in equal amounts to my own.
I learned to trust that if he wished to be a great partner, he could. For him, that meant taming the parts of his ADHD that got in the way of his being a good partner to anyone, including me. That’s not impossible, but it does take a lot of effort and he had to decide, from deep inside himself, that he really wanted to do it.
And, if he didn’t wish to be a partner whom I adored, then I had the ability to move on. In essence, I stood firmly in my hopes that he was actually the compassionate, caring, fun man I thought I had married and that he could get back to being that person if I, too, contributed my own ‘best self’ to our relationship.
It took a long time to get there and, ironically, one of the most helpful tools for me was coming to grips with the idea that I was NOT a victim. I made choices every day that directly impacted what my life looked like…including how to behave towards my partner, how to respond when I felt lonely or ADHD started to take over, what tasks to take on, how compassionate to be towards him and others…whether or not to seek to hold onto love or to give in to resentment.
You cannot save your partner from him or herself. And you cannot force your partner to change. You can only hold onto your dreams and values, treat your partner with compassion, support his or her attempts to live his/her best life, and see what happens. It’s not easy, but the result – that each of you ‘own’ your own life and make it what you genuinely want it to be, is worth it.
Free ADHD expo. Watch me and my husband George. This is the first time that we have been on video together! "3 Things You Need to know about ADHD and your Relationship with Melissa and George Orlov". We join many, many ADHD experts for free advice, tips and offers - register now.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next Live session starts early 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
Logic vs. Imagination
Quote of the Week
“Logic will take you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere."
- Albert Einstein
Logic vs. Imagination
I was recently listening to a podcast done by Dr. Edward Hallowell and his wife, Sue, about what it is like to live with an ADHD partner. They started laughing about how much energy and imagination Ned’s ADHD brings to their relationship (“He has a million ideas every day.”) They also spoke about her being the ‘brakes’ in the relationship, something that Ned admits he both admires and resents in the moment.
Okay – I totally get this conversation. My not-so-beloved nickname used to be ‘The Voice of Reason.” This was particularly true when we had young kids and I was worried about their safety. But I also have to admit I used the ‘brakes’ more often than just in critical situations. It was a way to ‘keep things under control.’
Non-ADHD partners often tell me they resent being the ‘bad guy’ in the parenting dynamic. And, frustratingly for them, I sometimes tell them to stop being the bad guy if that’s how they feel. Here’s what I mean:
• There are genuinely times when you MUST put on the brakes. Your child is unsafe or unhealthy, or that pool will never, ever actually fit into your back yard…In these times, own those brakes! Feel GOOD that you have the ability to think logically and create some order!
• There are many other times when brakes aren’t actually needed, even if you feel nervous or out of control. At those times, embrace the imagination. Get down on the floor and play make-believe with the whole family rather than cook dinner (go out later – chores are simply chores.) Take that overnight camping trip as a date and see what happens, rather than worry about the kids (they’ll be FINE at Grandma’s or a friend’s!) Well, okay, bring bug spray!
There are MANY more examples of when non-ADHD partners don’t really need to apply the brakes – where flexibility is actually the more ‘relationship-friendly’ choice.
If you resent being the ‘bad guy’ or the brakes person, take a look at whether or not it might be more logical to run with either partner’s imagination. You may be surprised where it can get you.
Vote for me, please! I've entered the #ADHDAwarenessMonth professional video contest. Please watch, learn and vote, once per day. It's just for fun, but a great way to show your ADHD support. Thank you!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next Live session starts early 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
No Boundaries
Quote of the Week
“Compassion is an action word with no boundaries."
- Prince
No Boundaries
I love this idea of limitless compassion! If you think I’m writing about compassion towards those with ADHD, I’m not. I’m talking about compassion towards a partner who is struggling – and that would be both of you.
It’s painful to me when I hear a non-ADHD partner say something that has this not-so-hidden message: “ADHD is my partner’s issue. When s/he fixes it, then I’ll start working on the relationship again.” Or when I hear an ADHD partner say something like “It’s not my ADHD, it’s my partner’s anger and nagging that is the issue.”
But what happens if you ‘become’ your partner, just for a moment? It’s really HARD to have ADHD. Imagine not being able to follow through easily on what you really wish to do – simply because your mind wanders off! Or not being focused enough on a conversation to remember it. Imagine not believing you are worth anything because so many people have told you you’ve failed. Imagine trying really hard and not getting anywhere.
It’s not just hard to have ADHD. It’s also really HARD to live with someone who has unmanaged or undiagnosed ADHD. Imagine losing trust for your partner because s/he rarely does what s/he promised. Imagine the loneliness of feeling as if your partner doesn’t know you exist anymore because s/he is so distracted. Imagine giving it your all and not getting anywhere.
Compassion is an important ingredient to addressing the problems the two of you face. To build compassion, I suggest two specific steps:
• In every interaction, as yourself “How can I be kind?” and choose your responses accordingly
• Ask your partner about his/her experience and believe what s/he says, even if it feels hurtful or hard. Ask questions if you don’t understand the details. In this way it becomes easier and easier to ‘see’ your partner’s side of things.
Need help building compassion, taming anger and renewing intimacy? .... take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts in TWO DAYS - September 26, 2018. Don't Delay, the next live session begins in 2019. Find the love and joy you thought you had lost forever.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 26, 2018.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
Expectations of Others
Quote of the Week
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life."
- Steve Jobs
Expectations of Others
Sometimes when I work with couples I find that one or both partners are grieving about the fact that their relationship is not like other relationships. I think this is a healthy thing – when one or both of you has ADHD you don’t have a relationship that resembles those of many of your friends. Coming to terms with that idea – and understanding the patterns that ADHD encourages between you (so you can avoid them!) is critically important.
But then…
But then, it’s important to embrace the life you DO have, and run with it. Rather than trying to make your life look like other people’s lives, make your own life together uniquely yours and special. As you learn about ADHD, you will (hopefully) subtract many negative behaviors that each of you contribute to your relationship. Don’t forget that you need to ADD positives.
What will your special ‘fun’ connection be? What are your special (private) rituals that you can create? How do you demonstrate that you cherish the very core of your partner?
Self reflection and some idea-generating dates can help uncover your mutual dreams and make them happen. Appreciation ‘exercises’ and time to show you care (‘attend time’ as I call it) is also important.
Bottom line – don’t waste time living someone else’s life.
Take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starting in SIX DAYS, September 26, 2018.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 26, 2018.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
Doing
Quote of the Week
“I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do."
- Leonardo da Vinci
Doing
How many times have you or your partner wanted to do something, then fallen short? You wanted to approach your partner with less frustration, but then something happened and you were angry again. You wanted to follow through on that project, but then you got distracted by something else.
So, how to get yourself to ‘do’ what you ‘know’ you should do? That has a good deal to do with getting our brain to accept and create new habits. Here are some of the most important steps:
1. Understand WHY it’s important to do this thing for YOU, not just because your partner asks for it. This will help motivate you.
2. Set a specific, measurable goal that is bound by time. “I will do the dishes 3 evenings this week” is a great goal. It tells you when and what in no uncertain terms. “I will do the dishes more often” is too wishy-washy.
3. Create a specific plan and take the time to run through it in your mind start to finish as if you were doing it. This helps cement the plan in your body, and also helps you realize if there are problems with it – something you didn’t think of.
4. Measure your results. If you only did the dishes 2 times, figure out why and adjust either your goal or your plan. If you succeed, reward yourself (even an internal pat on the back is good!) and then plan to do it again. Creating a new habit that is ‘ingrained’ takes several MONTHS of overt effort.
When my husband took over doing the night dishes it took him several tries to get it right. He didn’t do the step of running it through his mind, so didn’t realize he had to actually clear time for his new ‘activity’. He also hadn’t worked out what time of day he would do the darned things (night? Next morning?) But eventually he got it and now doesn’t think twice about this part of his life.
Is there ONE thing which you would really like to start doing with which you can use these four steps on right now?
Tame the Anger in Your Relationship starts TOMORROW, Sept 13th - Working through your anger can be hard, and is an area where partners get 'stuck' when trying to improve their relationship. My upcoming seminar, How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship, is designed to:
be a safer space in which you can identify and surface your feelings of anger
teach you proven interaction and anger management skills
provide time to practice new skills to improve interactions during class
.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and/or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018. Which, or both, should you consider? Read more.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 26, 2018.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
Worth It
Quote of the Week
“It’s better to have a hard road into excellence than an easy road into mediocrity."
- Selma Hayak
Worth It
Probably everyone reading this marriage tip knows what a hard road it can be to have adult ADHD – and responses to that ADHD – in your relationship. It takes a lot of effort to create a relationship you both love to be in when dealing with distractibility and more.
But there is this weird positive side to it all. George and I have been bound together quite closely by the fact that we have taken this hard road and not only survived the experience, but learned to thrive. We feel joy, wonder, and even a little bit of pride that this hard road really did lead us to ‘excellence.’
Not everyone makes it, but it’s surprising how many couples really can turn around their relationship if both partners are willing to take that hard road and do all they can – as individuals – to be the best possible partner they can.
Is working through anger part of your hard road?
How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship, starting in exactly 2 weeks - Sept 13th - is designed to:
be a safer space in which you can identify and surface your feelings of anger
teach you proven interaction and anger management skills
provide time to practice new skills to improve interactions during class
.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and/or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018. What is the best choice for the two of you? Read more
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 26, 2018.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
August 29, 2018
CBD and ADHD?
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
I've been getting more and more questions about whether or not CBD is a good treatment for ADHD and, since it's considered a supplement, it is often one that adults are thinking about adding to their treatment regimen without talking with their doctor. Is that a good idea?
A recent article published by the Harvard Medical School on CBD provides a good overview of what is - and is not- known about the effectiveness of CBD. Here is what stands out to me as relates to ADHD:
A PLUS - It may help with both sleep and anxiety, both of which are a struggle for many with ADHD
A BIG MINUS - it interacts with other meds in the same way that grapefruit juice does - il.e changes the rate at which your body absorbs medications). This is an issue with ADHD meds, since taking vitamin C with ADHD meds is known to change their effectiveness for the worse
A MINUS - as an unregulated supplement, you don't know what you are getting - and when you are basing your life (and relationship) on regular, predictable dosing and effectiveness of your treatment, this poses a problem.
A 'SORT OF' A MINUS - its regulatory status is up in the air amnd varies state to state - though not much enforced
Bottom line - so far, to the best of my knowledge, CBD has not been shown to improve symptoms of ADHD, though it may impact co-existing conditions. It has, however, been shown to interfere with stimulant medications. If you wish to consider trying it, please make sure to talk with your doctor first.
P.S. On a related topic, there is no research so far that suggests that marijuana (vs. CBD) is a good treatment for ADHD, either (in spite of what the marijuana industry would have you believe.) its addictive potential outweighs its benefits and, for kids, additional side effects (such as stifling growth, interfering with medications, etc.) SIGNIFICANTLY make using ADHD a bad idea. See this article for a brief overview on marijuana and ADHD.
Tags: CBD, marijuana, adhd treatment
August 15, 2018
Think You Have ADHD? 5 Steps to Changing Your Life
Start hereDiagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
It can feel overwhelming to contemplate having adult ADHD. Many adults resist getting an evaluation because they don't like the idea of being 'labeled' or they don't like the idea of taking medication. But getting a diagnosis of ADHD is actually a good thing. Because if you have it, the chances that you will be able to manage it very well are quite good - provided you can get the right help...and that takes a diagnosis.
So, what do you do next? Here are some first steps for you:
Download my treatment e-book from the home page. It's free and full of medically sound info and will help you understand that treatment for ADHD isn't as scary as you think.
If you don't officially have a diagnosis, it's time to get an evaluation. A psychiatrist or psychologist is the best person to do this evaluation. But if you can't afford that or your insurance doesn't cover it, your primary care physician may also be able to help. If you do have a diagnosis, then you need to talk with your doctor about how to better manage your ADHD (take in some ideas from the treatment e-book, perhaps). You will see in the treatment ebook that meds can help a lot (for most people) but aren't the only way.
Read my first book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage to get an overview of some of the issues that you and your partner face. I can't tell you how many people tell me reading this book is 'like reading a diary' or they feel as if I've been living at their house. It's very reassuring to realize that you are not alone and that there is a REASON for all of your struggles. If you don't like to read, there are audiobook versions available at my website and also on Audible.com
If you are a woman struggling with ADHD, I would suggest you consider reading a book specifically about women with ADHD - women often have different expectations placed upon them as they are often the primary care giver, and suffer particular types of shame. Two good ones are Women with Attention Deficit Disorder by Sari Solden (note the author on this - there are two books with the same name) and Understanding Women with ADHD by Kathleen Nadeau.
You and your husband may wish to consider taking my next live couples seminar - it will give you both a much clearer picture of what you can do to improve your relationship, plus you'll have access to me to ask me all of your questions. It's 8 weeks long, and given by phone, so you can participate from anywhere (I record each session, as well.)
This combination of steps will provide you the information you need to better understand the issues you face; get you started on better treatment; and provide many useful strategies for starting to turn your life around. And, as always, feel free to contact me.
Tags: diagnosis, women with ADHD, treatment, evaluation
July 26, 2018
Changing Behavior
Quote of the Week
“You can’t talk your way out of problems you behaved yourself into."
- Stephen Covey
Changing Behavior
What Covey is saying here is that if you behaved yourself into a corner, you have to improve your own behavior to get yourself back out of it. Otherwise, your credibility and trustworthiness are shot.
Or…actions speak louder than words.
If you have ADHD, getting your actions to be the right actions at the right time can be a difficult problem! Even so, it’s important to get your behaviors in order because this is the bottom line for your relationship. Talk and good intentions don’t cut it. Either you act like - and are - a good, loving partner who cherishes and supports your relationship…or you’re not. ADHD partners can certainly do this, but they have to get the ADHD issues under control first.
Cognitive behavioral therapy can help. Coaching can help (see my recommended coaches page.) Making sure you optimize your treatment is critical (download my free e-book from the home page.) Taking time to ‘attend’ to your partner and training yourself not to cover up failures are also important tools when becoming a better partner.
And this isn’t just about ADHD partners. Non-ADHD partners can behave themselves into problems – I sure did when I was angry and belittling to my husband. I simply was not holding my own behavior to a high enough standard. Instead, I nurtured my frustration and tried to force him to do better, rather than learn what was going on and how to tame my own negative behaviors.
We talked about doing better and commiserated about how hard it was. But it was not until we created specific plans for dong better and implemented them – behaved our ways out of our problems – that our relationship actually improved.
I spend a lot of time in my couples seminar on teaching how to do this. If you are interested in turning ideas into action, you might wish to join me for one of my upcoming sessions. One starts September 26, and the next one will start in January, ’19.
No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and/or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start this month - September 2018. Don't delay - space is limited for both!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 2018.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Int imacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
Melissa Orlov's Blog
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