Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 46
May 30, 2019
Disappointing People
Quote of the Week
“It’s not even the shame that is so bad. It’s the disappointing people that’s so hard to bear.”
-Woman with ADHD
Disappointing People
If you are an adult with ADHD, do you sometimes cover up mistakes you make rather than expose them to your partner? Do you feel despair when you feel you’ve disappointed your partner again?
I run into this frequently – a man will explain that he covered up a mistake (i.e. lied) because he couldn’t stand the idea that he was going to disappoint his wife, whom he treasures, yet again. A mother will talk about the agony of having her kids upset about her tardiness driving them to places they need to be…and having her husband add to her pain by reprimanding her.
I’ve seen in my own relationship that my husband can bear my anger (when it’s expressed constructively) but can shrivel in pain if I say I’m disappointed (and then, to fight that pain, will become angry with me.) Before I understood that connection I did not realize how important it was for me to consider exactly what – and how – I responded to his mistakes.
I urge you consider finding a calm time with your partner to talk about your own feelings about disappointment and pain. You both have them, and it could be a very constructive conversation. As you do this, remember that it is healthy to feel grief about where you are, too.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts in October 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-groups - start in October 2019 and the ADHD Support Group starts September 10, 2019.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
Competition
Quote of the Week
“…not only must all but one side lose in any competition, but humans seem hard-wired to feel the pain of a loss more keenly than the pleasure of a win. This phenomenon is called ‘loss aversion' and crops up in many areas of life.”
- The Economist, 4-6-19
Competition
Competition between you and your partner can be fun under the right circumstances (for example, in sports you are playing) but in general, isn’t very helpful in a relationship. It sets us apart, and one person feels pain when ‘vanquished’ by the other.
And yet in many ADHD/non-ADHD partnerships, there is a great deal of competition – over who will be in control and whose way will prevail. You see this writ large in the parent/child dynamic, and the pain of the ‘loss’ (i.e. being in the child-like, losing role in that equation) can lead to behaviors that reflect that pain – rebellion; anger; retreat; passive/aggressive retorts; subversion and more.
Because non-ADHD partners are thinking about ‘getting things done’ rather than the pain created in parent/child dynamics, they often don’t understand these responses or think of them as irrational or immature. Sadly, they are all too rational, even though they are not particularly helpful. (The non-ADHD partner also suffers in this dynamic, though that’s not the topic of this tip.)
If you and your partner are trapped in parent/child dynamics, I urge you (beg you?) to act now to move away from parent/child dynamics as quickly as you can. My couples seminar, if you haven’t taken it, can help. So can a therapist who understands ADHD. The bottom line is you must move away from fighting over whose way will prevail if you are going to stop inflicting pain on each other and start to thrive.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in October.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and New Habit Group Coaching for Adults with ADHD.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
Creating Your Own Story
Quote of the Week
“…That theory is: The world will get better when we show where things have gone wrong. A lot of what we do in our business (the media) is expose error, cover problems and identify conflict. The problem with this is that we leave people feeling disempowered and depressed…They are less mobilized to take action, not more.”
-David Brooks
Creating Your Own Story
Your entire day – even life – can feel harder than it must, making it feel as if you must slog through your day.
Relationships can feel like that, particularly when if feels as if everything is ‘bad news.’ One of the things that helped me greatly was learning that I had some control over my own life’s story, no matter what my partner was up to. Just like in the news, some of that has to do with what you choose to notice and focus upon. For example, did I notice that my husband came to the bedroom on time and gave me a hug, or did I notice that he snored after he fell asleep? If I noticed both, upon which did I focus? If it was the snoring I might feel resentful. If it was the hug, I might feel comforted.
Over time I found that there was a lot of both good and bad happening in my relationship and that I could genuinely impact my own life by choosing to focus on the positive elements and notice them, while downplaying the negatives more than I might have in the past. The shift did wonders for improving my own story and my days.
If you want to do this, try a gratitude exercise. Grab a journal, and finish the sentence “I am grateful for…” three times each night before you go to bed. You might write about your relationship or something else. In so doing, you rewire your brain (over time), feel better immediately, probably sleep better (because you are calmer), and most importantly, start to exert control over your own story.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins October 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
Use Your Circadian Rhythm
Quote of the Week
In his book, “When,” Dan Pink writes about evidence that your circadian rhythm can help you figure out the right time to do your productive and creative work. If you’re a morning person, you should do your analytical work early when you’re at peak alertness; your routine tasks around lunchtime in your trough; and your creative work in the late afternoon or evening when you’re more likely to do nonlinear thinking. If you’re more of a night owl, you might be better off flipping creative projects to your fuzzy mornings and analytical tasks to your clearest-eyed late afternoon and evening moments.
-Adam Grant in NY Times
Use Your Circadian Rhythm
How many people have told me that by listening to what their body is telling them, they do better throughout their day?! Many with ADHD are ‘night owls’, while many non-ADHD partners are ‘larks.’
Please don’t try to impose your circadian rhythm on your partner!
That said, this combo brings up issues with connection. If you never see each other because you are on different biological clocks, you will have trouble remaining connected. And, if the night owl isn’t getting enough sleep, then s/he will suffer from the problems of sleep deprivation, which include mental lethargy, an increase in ADHD symptoms, increased irritability and, in my observation, a lessened connection with one’s partner as all of the above take over.
So…do listen to your body – and not only what time of day it functions best, but also in that it needs more sleep than what you may be getting right now.
I am a guest expert on the ADHD Parents’ Palooza July 29 – August 3, 2019
Online. Free! Register Now. 
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship
Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
This Day
Quote of the Week
“Nothing is worth more than this day.”
-Goethe
This Day
One of the great things about ADHD is having an innate ability to live in the moment. But Goethe’s quote has a feel of ‘savoring the moment’ to it that I think can get lost in the ‘now and not now’ time zones of ADHD. Those with ADHD are ‘in the moment’ because their brains are so attuned to instant rewards of responding to what’s immediately around them. That’s not the same thing as slowing down and savoring.
So the question becomes – how do you learn to savor the moment more? Mindfulness is the answer to that question. With mindfulness training, you can slow yourself down a bit, and take a pause – long enough to up your enjoyment of what you are doing. Mindfulness is also helpful for emotional regulation, better sleep, and more.
Is Your Marriages Impacted by ADHD?
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE session begins in October 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
The Surprise
Quote of the Week
“The surprising thing is that the longer people are together, the more the sense of kindness returns. Our research is starting to reveal that in later life, your relationship becomes very much like it was during courtship.”
-John Gottman
The Surprise
Research suggests that, on average, we grow consistently less happy from about age 25 until about age 55, then our feelings of happiness start to improve. At 65, there is a split – one group continues to get happier, while the other starts to become less happy (as they start to feel less relevant in the world.)
One of the factors that contributes to the rise in happiness in your 50s is that your child-rearing responsibilities (and also household responsibilities more generally) lessen. There is less stress, and you have a lot more maturity and understanding of each other.
My husband and I have experienced what Gottman describes now that we are empty nesters, and I love it. Less stress means that my husband actually doesn’t have to take the mood stabilizing medications he used to take (though he has found that he has to add behavioral strategies for those times when his stress does rise…so he’s still managing his emotional lability – just in a new way). We get to ride bikes and go on adventures together – always a sweet spot for the two of us. And it doesn’t matter as much if either one of us puts off a project, or changes our mind. Yes, as we age, we are both more forgetful, but we are also kinder to each other.
I hope that you find a similar ‘surprise’ as you and your partner age.
I am one of the experts today on the Parenting ADHD Summit. Learn from me and 27 other Top ADHD experts. Register now for free.
The Spanish translation of The ADHD Effect on Marriage is now available. Kindle version only.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
Everything
Quote of the Week
“Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you think they should doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything they have.”
-Mary O, from my writing class
Everything
This is a variation of something going around the internet, but the idea is a good one. It ties into my idea of giving your ‘best self’ to your relationship. None of us is perfect (by a long shot!) but we can try hard to contribute our ‘best selves’ to our relationship. And then, once you do – loving your partner with everything you have – it’s easier to see what sort of relationship you have. Or don’t have.
What happens if ‘everything you have’ isn’t good enough for your partner? My first response would be to talk to your partner about what you do offer, and how you do love them…and request that they consider the positives.
You might also seek counseling. Because if one partner – doing the absolute best they can - is ‘not enough’ for the other partner, then that may end your relationship. You may simply not be well matched. You may need a professional to see if the ‘you’re not enough’ statement is actually true.
How do you tell when you are giving ‘everything you have?’ I think each person knows inside themselves if that is the case. Have you genuinely engaged? Have you taken your partner’s concerns to heart and tried to respond in a loving way? Have you sought professional help?
Where are you on this journey?
Are YOU giving ‘everything you have?’ My Non-ADHD support group series begins June 17, 2019 and they Fall '19 session of the Couples Seminar starts in October.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
Seeking ‘And’
Quote of the Week
“Is it always "or"?
Is it never "and"?
- Stephen Sondheim, Into the Woods
Seeking ‘And’
Too often, when seeking answers to difficult questions or situations, couples find themselves in opposition to each other, rather than on the same team. You argue, and feel as if you are right, and your partner is wrong. That’s an ‘or’ conversation. It’s either your way OR my way. We have a lot of that going on in the national conversation right now, too.
Think about how different that is from believing that you both have good ideas – or even the right to hold those ideas - even if you don’t agree on all aspects of those ideas! That’s an ‘and’ conversation. There may be a solution in combining parts of your idea AND my idea.
Next time you disagree, I encourage you to overtly seek the ‘and’ in your conversation. It is very often there, though sometimes to find it you have to look underneath the superficial topic of conversation. For example, you might be arguing about the kids’ bedtime. Underneath that, there is an ‘and’ – you both want the best for your kids. If you start there it changes the conversation, as well as your feelings about the conversation. Suddenly, even though you disagree on the details, the conversation feels more productive and you are more likely to get to a place that you can both live with.
When could you seek ‘and’?
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next session starts in October 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
May 17, 2019
One Reason It's So Hard to Start Things When You Have ADHD
Melissa's Favorite PostsADHD Voices
When you have ADHD, a great deal of work goes on inside your head that is invisible to other people. I like to alert non-ADHD partners to this because it's too easy, since you can't see that brain spinning and working, to think your ADHD partner isn't doing anything. Instead, lots is often going on. Those with ADHD tell me that they might be:
collecting their thoughts to make a more coherent argument, particularly when it's important they present themselves well (ex; in an argument with their partner)
processing what another person just said
keeping random thoughts and input at bay - trying to focus on the speaker
trying to think through the steps it will take to do something, without admitting that is what they are doing
dealing with difficult emotions that come up when they approach doing something that has not gone well before
dealing with difficult emotions, such as fear, when thinking about doing something for someone they don't wish to disappoint
On these, last two, Jessica McCabe and her husband (both with ADHD) have created two great videos about the Wall of Awful that describe those emotional 'walls,' how they got there, and what to do about them. I highly recommend them.
Tags: Wall of Awful, fear, emotional regulation, How to ADHD
May 7, 2019
Problems for Men with ADHD
Melissa's Favorite Posts
Not long ago, ADDitude Magazine approached me to write an article about the specific issues that men with ADHD face in their relationships. I'll admit I had to think a bit about this request, as I think much of the research and conversation about ADHD is biased to be thinking about men, rather than women. But the more I considered the idea, the more I realized that there are issues that men face that will resonate both with the men who have them and with their female (or male) partners.
So I did write that article, isolating these factors:
Shame over job related issues and job searches
Emotional regulation issues, particularly as relates to anger and how men express (and embrace) anger
Conflict avoidance issues (it's physiologically difficult for men to self-soothe) and using retreat as a common coping strategy
Difficulty expressing emotions (including not being taught this skill)
For some, resistance to accepting (or even seeking) an ADHD diagnosis
For Men with ADHD - and Those Who Love Them lays out these issues in more depth and provides specific next steps for both ADHD and the non-ADHD partners who love them to help deal with them. I hope you'll read it.
Tags: ADHD men, anger, emotional dysregulation, ADDitude
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