Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 49
November 14, 2018
ADHD Doesn’t Cause Divorce

Quote of the Week
“If you don’t take responsibility for your mistakes, you never grow up. You never learn…taking responsibility and forgiving yourself and others are two of the critical things about getting old."
- Jane Fonda
ADHD Doesn’t Cause Divorce
When you think about forgiveness you may think about forgiving other people. But equally – perhaps even more – important is forgiving yourself. To do this, you need to get out of personal denial and acknowledge that there is something that needs forgiving. In ADHD impacted relationships it’s not just ADHD – it’s also responses to ADHD that creates the problems. In my case, for example, I was so angry about his symptomatic behaviors that I treated my husband horribly for a number of years. It feels horrible to admit that I was an emotional abuser. And yet…I was.
My husband also had many areas where he could have done much better by me – angry, dismissive outbursts; affairs, and more.
The only way to heal from this sort of emotional pain is to: BOTH own what you have done; acknowledge your poor behavior with your partner; apologize to him/her; and forgive yourself.
In my case, and perhaps in yours, I can honestly say that I responded to undiagnosed ADHD symptoms as most people do. I tried hard to fix things and did the best I could do in the situation. I now understand the effect of ADHD and responses to ADHD on us both…but that doesn’t mean my behavior was okay. It was still emotional abuse and there is no justification for that.
Forgiving yourself – and your partner – is critical to moving forward. Having your partner forgive you, and him/herself is equally important.
Or, as I like to say, ‘ADHD doesn’t cause divorce, denial does.’ If either of you stay in denial of your own impact on your partner, you are unlikely to find the love you seek.
If you or your partner need to learn more about how to deal with ADHD and responses to ADHD, one of the best resources available is my live couples seminar – which is started YESTERDAY JANUARY 15. No, it's not too late to join us - sessions are recorded so up to 2 missed sessions are OK. Details are here. Let me do the work of helping you both overcome denial and improve your lives together.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session started January 15, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? Consider my How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive Tuesdays @ 8:30pm EDT, 1/15 - 3/5, 2019
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov

Married vs. Life Partners

Quote of the Week
“We have all these expectations. “Oh, this is what a husband is. This is what a wife is.” I started dissolving all the ideas and expectations (when I changed from moving from ‘married’ to ‘life partners.’)"
- Jada Pinkett Smith
Married vs. Life Partners
I know that when I entered my marriage I had subtle – and not so subtle – expectations about what my marriage would look like which were often based on unrecognized gender stereotypes. I see this regularly with my couples:
• A woman who is distressed to be the primary earner in her family
• A man who has an ADHD-related shopping addiction
• An expectation that you would support each other, and talk things out (like girlfriends so easily do) when there were difficulties between you
• That a husband will always want sex, no matter what
• That a woman will be in charge of the household and task distribution
Pinkett Smith used a technique that I recommend to all of my couples – stop thinking about roles and expectations of what ‘husbands’ and ‘wives’ should do, and start thinking about who each of you are as people. I’m working with a couple right now in which the non-ADHD wife is great at anticipating next steps and seeing the big picture, while her ADHD husband is better at details. And yet she says “why do I have to be the one to anticipate all of this stuff? Why should I lead?” The answer is ‘because you do it so well…and aren’t you lucky that your partner has a complementary skill set?’
Thinking about your partner as a ‘life partner’ rather than ‘married to me (and therefore should do the things husbands/wives do)’ is really healthy. Who is this person? What does s/he do best? What do I do best? How do we accommodate areas of mutual weakness? What do I love about this special person? These are all questions you might ask, replacing less positive questions, such as “Why isn’t my husband planning dates as men are supposed to do?”
Yes, I know there is nuance, and I’m not suggesting one partner needs to always be in charge. Rather, I’m suggesting that a great way to support your relationship is to assess what skills you both possess, regardless of gender or social expectations, and work from there. When you see yourselves more clearly, and stop saying “ought to” and “should” you will both feel more loved.
Where are your expectations getting in your way?
What do you do best? How about your spouse? Let's work together to move from “ought to” to "more loved". My January ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Live Seminar starts January 15, 2019. Don't delay - a better relationship starts NEXT WEEK.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship started January 3, 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive Tuesdays @ 8:30pm EDT, 1/15 - 3/5, 2019
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov

Say Yes

Quote of the Week
“The very act of saying yes is not just life-changing, it is life-saving. The years of saying no were, for me, an easy withdrawal from the world. A way to disappear.
Saying yes is courage. Saying yes is the sun. Saying yes is life…"
- Rhonda Rhimes, author of A Year of Yes
Say Yes
I remember my own years of saying ‘no.’ I felt confined. I felt like the ‘bad guy’ in the family. My kids even joked about ‘mean mom coming out of the glove compartment’ one day in the car when I was particularly cranky.
You don’t have to say ‘yes’ all the time, as Rhimes did for her book experiment. But what would happen if you said ‘yes’ 50% more?
And, no, I’m not talking about saying yes to anything that puts you or your family in danger, or that will ruin you financially. I’m not suggesting you become stupid…only more open to the possibilities that life sends your way.
Here’s what I discovered when I started to say ‘yes’ much more often. ‘No’ was getting in my way. ‘No’ took away my power. ‘No’ kept me isolated.
I dare you – try it!
Say YES to a better relationship in 2019 - and beyond. My January seminar and support groups will transform your relationship. ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Live Seminar starts January 15, 2019. A support group for Non-ADHD partners starts TOMORROW January 3rd; the diminishing Anger tele-seminar starts TOMORROW January 3rd.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? The next session of How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship starts January 3, 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov

The Lion…

Quote of the Week
“Worry, anxiety, fear, and terror are stress – “There’s a lion! Run!”
Irritation, annoyance, frustration, anger, and rage are stress – “There’s a lion – kill it!”
Emotional numbness, shutdown, depression, and despair are stress – “There’s a lion! Play dead!”
And none of these indicates that now is a good time to get laid."
- Emily Nagoski
The Lion…
There are a whole lot of reason so many couples impacted by ADHD don't have good sex lives, and many of them are listed in the quote above.
Your sex life is your relationship’s canary in the mine. Even before you know things are going poorly, your sex life suffers. After you’ve been struggling a while, forget it!
Here’s the good news. You can get it back. But first you have to slay a few lions. Focus on your relationship, learn about ADHD and it’s impact, get out of the common patterns, have enough fun experiences that you remember why you were attracted to each other in the first place.
Then you have a choice to make – start slow (outside the bedroom) and rebuild your sex life with touch and verbal affection, or ‘sandblast’ the old sex life and start over. Either one can work. I chose the latter. At some point I decided – overtly – to drop the sex life baggage and focus on one thing only – having fun in bed. No worries about ‘deep meaning.’ No critiquing my (or my husband’s) performance. Put aside my concerns about ADHD issues. Just sex.
For me, that worked. We started to remember how to have fun. We both started to feel appreciated. The neurochemicals released at orgasm (primarily Oxytocin) started to help us feel more connected.
If you’re ready to improve your sex life, one good resource is Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are. It is the best book I’ve ever read on the topic of women’s sexual health. It wisely and compassionately encourages women to learn more about their own desire.
Connecting is critical! My January seminar and support groups will transform your relationship. ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Live session starts January 15, 2019. Support groups for ADHD and Non-ADHD groups also start in January.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? The next session of How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship starts January 3, 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive Tuesdays @ 8:30pm EDT, 1/15 - 3/5, 2019
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov

Perfect?

Quote of the Week
“If I stop beating myself up for the ways I’m not perfect, that’s like admitting to the world – and to myself – that I’ll never be perfect, that I’m permanently inadequate! I need my self-criticism in order to maintain hope and to motivate myself to get better…(it sounds rational, but it’s not…)
Think about it. What would really happen if you stopped running from yourself or beating yourself up? What would happen if you put down the whip you’ve been flogging yourself with for decades?
When you stop beating yourself up – when you stop reinjuring yourself – what happens is…you start to heal."
- Emily Nagoski, from Come As You Are
Perfect?
“I’m never going to be good enough.”
“I’ve never been able to do that.”
“I’m a fraud and others will figure that out if I’m not perfect. I can’t let down my guard.”
These are just a few of the comments I’ve heard from adults with ADHD who suffer from self-esteem issues. They develop these issues over time, as people they respect (teachers, parents, partners) tell them they could do a better job if they would just try harder.
Soon, they take on the injury as their own – reopening the wound at regular intervals with negative self-talk.
If you suffer this way, consider trying one of these approaches:
• Cognitive behavioral therapy works to help patients quiet the negative voices that interfere with their lives
• Internal family systems therapy – this is a form of therapy that helps patients understand their many internal mental ideas, or ‘parts.’ In so doing, they can ‘befriend’ their parts and stop being victim to their whims
• Optimizing ADHD treatment. Sometimes negative thoughts are around ADHD symptomatic behaviors – when you improve the behaviors with better treatment, the opportunity for negative thoughts diminishes.
Might any of these approaches work for you?
Registration is Now Open:
Interested in improving your relationship; learning new strategies to communicate better with each other; finding more love and affection…then now is the time to register for my upcoming ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples Seminar which starts JANUARY 15th.
Are you the non-ADHD partner? My Non-ADHD Partner Support Group focuses on one or two topics a week that are submitted by group members for in-depth exploration. Participants support each other, explore their biggest issues and most pressing problems, and get expert advice from Melissa each week. Starts JANUARY 3rd.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? The next session of How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship starts January 3, 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive Tuesdays @ 8:30pm EDT, 1/15 - 3/5, 2019
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov

Are You Waving a Red Flag?

Quote of the Week
“Have you ever noticed how bad it feels when someone tells you how you should be feeling? Or, worse, that you should not be feeling a certain way? Those shoulds and shouldn’ts tend to come with plenty of guilt, a hearty dose of disappointment, and a fair amount of inadequacy. It can make us feel like it’s just one more thing we’re doing wrong"
- From the book Parenting ADHD Now!
Are You Waving a Red Flag?
It’s easy to disregard another person’s feelings, particularly if we can’t imagine feeling that way in the same situation. Here are some examples from my own past:
Me: “I’m feeling lonely and unloved.”
Him: “But you shouldn’t. Of course I love you.”
Him: “I don’t (feel I) want to do that right now.”
Me: “Well you should! It’s important!”
The words “should” and “shouldn’t” are big red flags waving in your relationship. Any time you hear them, back up and examine what just happened. Because the reality is we each get to set the direction of our own lives. NO ONE else should (!) be trying to dictate either feelings or actions. We all define our own lives, for better or for worse.
That was a hard idea for me to wrap my mind around when I was feeling as if ADHD was stomping all over my life. I didn’t feel at all as if I was defining my life. But I was. It was my choice to stay. It was my choice to pursue my husband and demand he shape up rather than find a counselor to help us work through our differences. Likewise, it was his choice to ignore (and then resist) me. His choice to shut me out rather than engage.
I wish, rather than tell my husband what he should or shouldn’t do and what he should or shouldn’t feel, that I had focused on my own actions and feelings. If we had both done so, I’m convinced we would have had far fewer years of struggle.
Are you trying to dictate what your partner should or should not feel or do?
Are you the Non-ADHD Partner? Find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group - starts in January.
Do both of you need help better engaging? My live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts in January too!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? The next session of How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship starts January 3, 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive Tuesdays @ 8:30pm EDT, 1/15 - 3/5, 2019
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov

My Partner is a Great Guy, but Gets Really Angry Fast
Anger, Frustration & ADHD
A struggling couple asks what ADHD has to do with one man's quick rages. His partner writes 'He can be a lovely person but it doesn't take much to make him snap , in particular with me.' Alcohol makes it worse. Melissa explores what could be going on, how it's related to ADHD, and how to respond.
"Emotional Lability" - which means responding to stimulus much more strongly and much more quickly than others do - is a core characteristic of ADHD for many adults. So this ADHD partner's emotionality is part of his ADHD and needs to be treated as such. He may be able to 'hide' it from others because his relationships are less meaningful with them. and so the triggers others create are less strong. But the issue remains and needs to be addressed for this couple to have a chance of feeling happy - and stable - together.
The woman who asked this question noted that her partner has a history of alcohol and drug usage, and that just two drinks can send him in to a fit of abusive, and sometimes incoherent, behavior. It's good to understand the role that alcohol can play here, because it is a trigger in itself. Part of his emotionality has to do with 'poor brakes' that come with ADHD - i.e. less ability to inhibit one's responses. Alcohol is known to lessen inhibitions - so what little control he does have he loses as soon as he starts to drink. Though it may be difficult, the best course of action would be to stop drinking or limit himself to one beer only. (Perhaps he can drink a non-alcoholic beer, or find a substitute drink he likes better?) The solution for this problem isn't about 'willing himself' more self-control - it's a physiological 'fact' about how his brain works.
In addition, many people with ADHD have addiction issues. Research suggests that between 21 and 53% of people with ADHD will have alcohol abuse issues at some point during their lives (the range is because different studies give different numbers depending upon how they were conducted.) The addiction issues for both alcohol and drugs are probably linked to three things - poor inhibition (as above) and also a tendency to do what feel good in the moment vs. what is good for themselves in the long-run. The third is that some, including Dr. John Ratey, think of ADHD as a sort of 'reward deficiency syndrome,' meaning that the chemical makeup of the brain in the reward centers are such that those with ADHD do more 'reward seeking' behavior than others. This means that when the alcohol or drugs feel good they just ignore the future consequences of the behavior (potential job loss, relationship problems and the like.) Also, some drugs, such as marijuana, play a role of calming the ADHD mind, which has its own 'feel good in the moment' attraction. This strong focus on the present moment, vs. future consequences is tied up with the executive functions of the ADHD brain - an area that many with ADHD have weaknesses in.
As for what to do about this. Here are some ways to address the issues:
provide rewards in the moment (that feel good) for not drinking. If you are with him, you could play a role in this. Note, however, that he has to want to take this direction for this kind of support to work.
medicinal treatment to increase inhibition. This might include anti-depressants used off label or other medications that give him some time to think before he acts (i.e gets into a rage). His doctor can provide specific recommendations.
mindfulness training for inhibition - specifically set up for the purpose of being able to be more mindful of those moments before he loses control and moves into a rage - if he can identify those moments, then he should be able to set up a 'stop' routine. An example of that would be a verbal cue with you, where you or he identifies that things are going in a poor direction, and you have a set response (such as stopping the conversation right then or going to a different room to calm down.) Mindfulness could also help him identify stories he might be telling himself (such as 'she never gives me a break!') that are not true and that he could, when he hears them inside his head, 'fight' against.
better treatment and management in general for ADHD. See the free treatment e-book on my home page for a good overview of what that entails.
counseling or therapy to better understand his triggers. With ADHD I find that they are often tied up in the dynamics of the relationship. For example, he feels that you are 'parenting' him and resents your telling him what to do. (Conversely, you resent his not doing more...this is called 'parent/child dynamics.') For much more information about this, read my books - The ADHD Effect on Marriage and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD . In addition, I give a comprehensive couples seminar by phone that could help you both understand the dynamics between you. It's a great course that has helped many couples, and during which I answer all of the questions you ask me.
Because of the emotional lability and inhibition issues associated with ADHD, 'quick triggers' are quite common. To have a successful, healthy relationship, the party with the ADHD must make the effort necessary to get them better under control.

August 30, 2018
Education Wins Out

Quote of the Week
“Hatred is poison, which damages the one who carries it. It’s a fire that burns the one who is embattled with it.”
“There is no victory in a war. All are losers…the only way to truly end the conflict is by coming to a mutual understanding via education.”
- Izzeldin Abuelaish, founder of Daughters for Life
Education Wins Out
Abuelaish founded Daughters for Life after an Israeli tank shelled his home in the Gaza Strip and killed his three daughters. I cannot imagine the pain in this event nor how you keep yourself from becoming bitter. His response – to create good – is inspiring. He became an advocate for peace via empowering and educating women in the area to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
I also think his premise – that hatred and war only create losers – is relevant for struggling relationships. Rages, criticisms, attacks, frustration all lead into negative downward spirals of problem-response-response---and harden us from being able to be compassionate.
How do you get out of a relationship ‘war’ if you are in one? First, get educated about ADHD and responses to ADHD. (My couples seminar is a great place to start if you haven’t taken it yet.) Next, focus on yourself. You can’t control your partner, but what can you do to seek compromise? To find the positives? To experience more joy? Finally, you can decide that you no longer wish to fight. Instead of engaging, set up a verbal cue to de-escalate disagreements. Politely walk away. Be careful to be sensitive when bringing up difficult conversations.
You must come to a mutual understanding if your relationship is to survive, let alone thrive.
What are you most often at war about, and how might you de-escalate the situation?
Need help ending the "war"? My couples seminar PLUS a special series for couples who have completed the couples seminar - both start in January 2019. Also starting in January are support groups for ADHD and Non-ADHD partners, and my anger workshop. Is it time to thrive?
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? The next session starts January 3, 2019.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov

Coming to Terms with Disappointment

Quote of the Week
“Getting past the disappointment about what I THOUGHT my marriage would be - that was hard."
- woman posting in the forum at ADHDmarriage.com about learning to be herself again
Coming to Terms with Disappointment
I have been in this same place – I envisioned a marriage that would resemble the hyper-focus courtship that I had with my husband. A life-long experience where my husband was always attentive and empathetic, where we explored the world every day, and he even continued to love cooking. It was a shock when the hyperfocus wore off, and I was dropped into the distracted, lonely days of my early marriage.
It is important to know yourself when you get to this place, rather than get lost in your relationship and disappointment. This ‘getting lost’ is much easier to do that you might think. You single-mindedly dedicate yourself to making your relationship better, or ‘improving’ your partner (as I did) and suddenly all of your interests, friendships and even happy feelings have been over-run by your problems and plans for improvements. That’s ‘lost’ in your relationship.
You need to know yourself in order to have the strength of voice and intention that allows you to re-find happiness from within. Strength to understand that your partner is free to choose his or her own path (whether you like it or not). Ready to try your hardest and see what happens.
It’s healthy to grieve for the relationship you thought you had, but don’t. Then, take some time to accept where you are and (very importantly) seek out what is good. Okay, so you don’t have what you thought you would have. But, what DO you have? What’s still great? What can be built? Where’s the untapped potential? All of those questions come after you’ve reached acceptance.
Yes, it might be hard, but it’s a great way to move forward.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts January 15, 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Is Anger an unwanted contributor in your relationship? The next session of How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship starts January 3, 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD Partner Support Tele-Group both run 8 consecutive Tuesdays @ 8:30pm EDT, 1/15 - 3/5, 2019
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov

What Type of Wall are You Building?

Quote of the Week
“We build walls for a lot of reasons. To protect vulnerable parts of ourselves. To hide things we don’t want others to see. To keep people out. To keep ourselves in.
But a wall is a wall is a wall – it’s an indiscriminate barrier. If you hide behind a wall to protect yourself from the pain of rejection, then you also block out joy. If you never let others see the parts you want to hide, then they’ll never see the parts you want them to know."
- Emily Nagoski
What Type of Wall are You Building?
There are two types of walls I would like you to consider. The first is the wall you build up to avoid incremental pain. Your partner has hurt you with ADHD symptoms – or with angry responses to ADHD – and you can no longer engage. You put up a wall and retreat. Ironically, once behind this wall it is almost impossible to improve your situation because you must engage with your partner in order to change your interactions. You will continue to suffer.
The second kind of wall is reflexive defensiveness. This wall is typically learned over time in a difficult relationship. This wall is the instant trigger or an inability to open oneself up to listen. Every interaction devolves into a frustrating battle and you feel more and more attacked.
Nagoski has it exactly right. Ultimately, walls don’t help you. The only way to find joy in your life is to be willing to engage – something that you cannot do from behind a wall.
Are you hiding behind a wall?
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts in January 2019.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
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