Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 51
July 26, 2018
Less Phone Time?
Quote of the Week
“We think ‘I want to spend less time on my phone,’ which feels restrictive. We need to be thinking ‘I want to spend more time on my life.'"
- from an interview on Fresh Air, NPR
Less Phone Time?
I hear regularly about one partner or another being glued to his or her phone. It seems almost a part of life. ADHD partners can have a particularly hard time of it, as it’s hard to resist the ‘immediacy’ of a text or call.
So this tip on moving away from the phone is an interesting one. As humans, we don’t respond so well to restrictions, particularly restrictions of things we really DO want. We respond better to dreams and inspiration. “I want to spend more time on my life” sounds pretty darned great, doesn’t it?
For those with ADHD, moving away from the draw of a phone may take some extra structure. While I’m able to pretty easily ignore a ringing phone, for example, my husband is almost incapable of it. That means that if he is going to get more time to spend on his life he actually needs to be away from the phone, or at least its draw.
Here are some simple ideas:
- Set times of day where the phone is left in a specific location NOT near you – for example the front hall or a purse
- Set ‘do not disturb’ settings for specific times that are important for family life – example might between 5 and 7pm when the family cooks and eats together or regular Friday date nights.
- Have one day a week without phones for the majority of the day (Saturday or Sunday probably works best) and leave it behind, next to your bed on its charger.
This last tip might take some getting used to, but it could provide a whole lot of time to ‘spend more time on your life.’ On that day, you might have an automated text response such as “I will not be answering texts today but will respond to you Sunday evening after 7pm.”
Time is our most precious commodity. You DO have a choice to not give it to others willy nilly and use your phone less often…you just have to create a system that helps you do it.
Tame the Anger in Your Relationship starts Sept 13th - Working through your anger can be hard, and is an area where partners get 'stuck' when trying to improve their relationship. My upcoming seminar, How to Diminish Anger in Your Relationship, is designed to:
be a safer space in which you can identify and surface your feelings of anger
teach you proven interaction and anger management skills
provide time to practice new skills to improve interactions during class
.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and/or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018. Which is right for you? Read more
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 26, 2018.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
Falling in Love
Quote of the Week
“Love looks not with the eyes, but the mind.
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind."
- William Shakespeare
Falling in Love
When we meet someone new and become infatuated with them (the first step of any romance) something pretty incredible happens in our mind – it become flooded with lots of extra dopamine. Dopamine is one of the neurotransmitters affiliated with the attention system in the brain.
When a person with ADHD falls in love his or her brain gets lots of extra dopamine just like everyone else and s/he is able to focus intently on his or her prospective partner. This has a name – ‘hyperfocus courtship’ – and it feels great to everyone involved! (I LOVED being courted by my husband. He was incredibly attentive!)
For almost everyone, the extra dopamine wears off between 24 and 28 months into the relationship. At that point, the ADHD partner returns to his or her ‘normal,’ low-dopamine state. (Low levels of dopamine is one of the reasons people have ADHD.) Which means the ADHD symptoms show up again.
This can be confusing – because the person with these ADHD symptoms is not behaving towards you like the person you met during that highly attentive courtship! I know when this happened in our own relationship, I went from feeling like the sun, moon and stars to chopped liver in about the space of a week. Turns out my husband still loved me. His severe distraction just didn’t communicate that.
It’s important to know that this ‘switch’ is not intentional. It doesn’t mean your partner no longer loves you. It isn’t personal. It’s ADHD.
The way to deal with this shift:
• Name it for what it is – a characteristic of ADHD (“low dopamine levels”)
• Internalize that the switch in behavior is not personal
• Get treatment for the ADHD – which often includes rebalancing dopamine levels to achieve better attention (often with medication)
• Set aside scheduled time to attend to each other in a romantic way
• If you’re long past ‘hyperfocus courtship’ see if you can look back and forgive yourself and your partner for misunderstanding it at the time.
Are you struggling through ‘hyperfocus courtship?’
'Hyperfocus courtship' is one of the subjects covered in my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. Do you struggle with anger issues? Check out my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018. Are you parenting a child with ADHD? I'm one of 30 experts on this free ADHD Parents Palooza. Starts August 20th. Register Now.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 2018.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
Turning Down the Energy
Quote of the Week
“When people have trouble listening to each other or hearing each other, for whatever reason, I find that it helps to turn down my energy and trust the other person to respond.”
-paraphrasing a member of the Silk Road Ensemble, Chautauqua Institution, August, 2018
Turning Down the Energy
I went to a lecture earlier this week on the art of listening, featuring members of the Silk Road Ensemble. It was fascinating to hear about different cultural ways to listen…with different types of ‘space’ around a person or sound (the Japanese concept of “ma’) or with your heart (taught by an Indian guru), and more. But when I hear the quote above I knew I had to include it in my marriage tips, for this is EXACTLY my experience in our relationship.
“Turning down the energy” when things start to escalate – even a little –can be hard for anyone, but particularly those with ADHD. But here’s where I think it is so helpful. By thinking of this as ‘turning down the energy’ what you AREN’T doing is ‘giving in.’ What you ARE doing is becoming more effective.
In my observation, the teachers who really have the attention of their classes are those whose voices remain lowered, not the ones who speak loudly to speak over the din. The same concept happens in relationships. This is because the loud voice and high energy actually revs up the other person at the same time as it encourages them to ‘set’ themselves into a position. A calmer, less energetic approach, can help the other person listen better, feel less defensive, and remain flexible and open.
Can you trust your partner to always calm down with you? No, it won’t always happen, but at least you won’t be adding to the fight, not encouraging your partner to take a stubborn, inflexible stance. You can always come back later, with a calm approach, to discuss the issue. You are likely to find your partner in a calmer state of mind.
How might you ‘turn down the energy’? And could you and your partner set a verbal cue to use this idea?
No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and/or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 2018 as does the anger course..
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
Truth
Quote of the Week
“It takes two to speak the truth – one to speak, and the other to hear.”
-Henry David Thoreau
Truth
If I had a magic wand, one of the gifts I would give struggling couples is the ability to hear their partner, and be heard. It’s incredibly important as you try to reconnect! But it can be really hard. Because we tend to approach what our partner says not from his or her perspective, but from our own. This leads to defensiveness, rather than openness.
As an example, when we were struggling my husband might say “You’re always so negative about me!” and what went through my head was “That’s because you don’t do what you say you are going to do!” A much better response would have been “Gee, I wonder why he is saying that now?”
In other words, trust that his opinion and what he is saying is TRUTH to him, and it is my responsibility to understand that truth, not to tell him why he is wrong.
This ability to listen non-defensively is actually one of the most critical characteristics of a healthy, happy relationship. I might not have liked that my husband was telling me I was negative, but if I was honest with myself…I was. Yes, I had my reasons, but that didn’t make being negative any more productive.
The ability to speak and listen to the truth is called ‘Conflict Intimacy’ and it’s so important that I cover it in my live couple’s seminar (next live session starting Sept. 26), my self-study Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship, and my live new seminar on anger.
It takes practice, but I know all of you can do it. I hope you’ll consider joining me to learn how.
No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and/or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 26, 2018.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
June 17, 2018
How to Improve Treatment of ADHD in 3 Steps
Start hereDiagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
You might see medication as the ‘fix’ for you or your partner’s ADHD and, if you do, you are not alone. This is a common misperception about treating ADHD. However, ‘pills don’t teach skills’ and so it is important to follow these steps to optimize treatment for adult ADHD once you have a diagnosis.
Step 1 – Set target symptoms
By definition a person with ADHD has multiple symptoms related to that ADHD – hence the diagnosis. However, some of those symptoms are likely causing more problems in your life than others. Talk with your partner to identify which symptoms are the most intrusive and set one or two of them (only!) as your ‘target symptoms.’ This will help you tailor treatment to be most helpful, and help measure the effectiveness of potential treatment strategies against those specific symptoms.
Examples of target symptoms and potential effective treatments include: impulsive or explosive anger (first line treatments might include mood stabilizers such as anti-depressants; mindfulness training; interactive conversational training); difficulty following through on tasks (primary treatments include stimulant medications and coaching) and poor short-term memory (first line treatments include changing interactions with a partner, setting a reminder system and note taking and/or calendaring). You can see how different these approaches are, and how identifying your top priorities for treatment, rather than just saying “improve my ADHD” can effectively and efficiently get you and your doctor on the right path.
Step 2 – Find ‘ADHD-friendly’ strategies to turn into habits across 3 'Legs' of treatment
Find treatments for your target symptoms across all three legs of treatment.
There are 3 ‘legs’ to effective treatment and ADHD adults must use strategies from all three legs if they wish to optimize their life performance. These legs are:
Leg 1: Physiological
Leg 1 treatments change the chemistry of the brain to bring it to a more neuro-typical state. Treatments supported by research as being effective in this arena include: medication; exercise; improved sleep patterns; a very few dietary changes; mindfulness and meditation; and lowering stress levels. These treatments improve focus and control over attention.
Leg 2: Behavioral:
Though many don’t think of changing behaviors as ‘treatment,’ doing so is a critical part of managing ADHD. In this leg, those with ADHD create new patterns of behavior that help them support what it is they wish to accomplish in their own lives. This ‘leg’ tackles organizational skills; memory; initiation and follow through; duration of attention and more. In essence, taking improvements in focus gained with Leg 1 treatments and applying that focus to everyday behaviors.
Strategies include calendaring (a MUST for anyone with ADHD); reminders; setting up regular systems and habits of all sorts and much more. This leg is all about improving the ADHD person’s personal, daily performance.
Leg 3: Interactive
Though an ADHD adult’s life becomes easier when excellent strategies are in place for Leg 1 and 2 treatment, the important elements for a satisfying relationship are enhanced with Leg 3 interactive ‘treatments.’ In this leg, couples develop consistent ways to manage ADHD-impacted interactions that support both of them in a positive way. Just a few examples include:
Setting up verbal cues and greater body awareness to stop triggering arguments before they get out of control
Recognizing how hard it might be for an ADHD partner to disengage from one activity to focus on the partner by lengthening the ‘transition’ in many conversations, thus assuring full attention
Creating a weekly chore check-in so that non-ADHD partners are not left wondering about the status of agreed-to projects
Step 3 – Implement, assess, and revise
The process of creating new habits can take a lot of time – over 60 days for non-ADHD partners and even longer for ADHD. Further, not every idea you try will work. It’s important to keep those target symptoms in mind, and regularly check in with each other to assess what is working and what isn’t. This isn’t just the responsibility of the ADHD partner. Non-ADHD partners can be helpful here by providing another set of eyes and identifying shifts in patterns of behavior. (Don’t focus on individual incidents, as this is demotivating!)
Think of the process of finding just the right strategies that work for you as a long experiment. You are seeking something that fits your style and can be implemented for the long-term. So, for example, if the ADHD partner has trouble remembering to do things, there are many potential strategies, of which these are just a few:
Use a phone and set audible reminders in a calendar (downside: alarms may soon be ignored by some or trouble capturing)
Carry a note card and pen (or bullet journal) for quick capture, then put things to remember into a reminder system at the end of the day
Set aside 30 minutes each morning to plan out your day by time slot
Put a white board in your kitchen and ‘stumble upon’ it regularly, checking off things that have been completed
Use a ‘buddy’ system for particularly important or recurring events
Once you’ve chosen a strategy to try out, make sure to set reasonable but very specific and time-bound goals to help you measure effectiveness. For example, ‘do the dishes three nights this week’ is a much more objectively measurable goal than ‘do the dishes more often.’ In the first case you either met the goal or didn’t. In the second, just about anything goes.
For more information about optimizing treatment for adult ADHD, download my free treatment e-book from my website homepage (www.ADHDmarriage.com).
Tags: ADHD treatment; medication; coaching; behavioral therapy
June 1, 2018
4 Tips for Bringing Up Problems to an ADHD Partner without ‘Parenting’
Non-ADHD partners are well-served to stop nagging, reminding or ‘educating’ their partners, all of which feel like criticism to the ADHD partner and drive you apart from each other. ‘Parenting’ your partner with ADHD is corrosive to your respect for each other and almost always sends the ADHD partner into retreat. (For more on this particular symptom/response/response cycle, see either of my books or this blog post…)
But here’s the hard part. Your partner is doing something that bugs you – like not meeting deadlines she agreed to; being irritable on a regular basis, or something else that is likely rooted in ADHD symptoms. How do you voice your desire for change without dropping into old, and unhealthy, habits? Here are X tips:
Tip #1 - Focus on patterns, not incidents: We all make mistakes, and those with ADHD are less consistent than those without. Which means that even when things are going well there will be bumps in the road. If your partner generally is doing something right – such as following through- but then has a failure (or even 2) – don’t bring it up. Instead, watch and wait. If you see a pattern developing over a number of weeks, then it’s time to talk.
Tip #2 - Focus on the truly important stuff – trustworthiness and the right to autonomy: Your ADHD partner won’t do things the way you do. Don’t try to control how things get done or educate your partner to do things the same way you do. Focus, instead, on the outcome. For example, you might like to book a hotel the way I do - by choosing the first thing that seems to fit the criteria. It’s efficient, and you get a good enough bed to sleep in. Your partner might like to choose hotels the way my husband does – he carefully looks at all of the options, and chooses the absolute best value. It takes him much longer, and he spends lots of time on multiple booking sites to compare prices, location, reviews and the like.
In this example, the ‘important stuff’ is that either of us ends up with a hotel AND that we each get to do it in the way that satisfies us and reflects who we are. I don’t berate him for being inefficient (or tell him he should be doing other things with his time) and he doesn’t berate me for my ‘sloppy’ approach to finding a hotel.
So if you are upset about how something is getting done (or not getting done) assess whether your discomfort comes from your differences rather than an actual problem. In the former case, it’s generally a good idea to let it go.
Tip #3 - Transition into your conversations with soft starts. Do not launch into what is bothering you without warning. It’s too hard for those with ADHD to ‘transition’ from whatever is going on in their head to what you are saying. The abruptness of your approach is likely to feel like an attack. Instead, start gently and give some warning to set the stage. For example, rather than saying ‘You haven’t done the project you promised you would do’ you could say “I’ve been seeing a pattern (see tip #1) in your behavior in the last few weeks that is starting to impact me and I would like to talk with you about it. Is this a good time, or should we speak later about it?”
It makes sense to ask if it’s a good time to discuss your issue. You want your partner’s full attention. So if she is in the middle of closing a client deal, then you don’t want to talk with her right then. Notice you aren’t giving her the option to not talk about it, only to find the right time.
If your partner is able to talk, then you’ve gotten her attention, she knows the topic is going to be serious, and you can thoughtfully proceed with your concerns.
Tip #4 - Focus primarily on your own issues: This will lessen your partner’s defensiveness and keep the conversation going: Even if your partner’s actions are what’s triggering you, your most fruitful discussion will be about your emotional or logistical response to those actions. So, instead of saying ‘you didn’t do the dishes as you had promised’ (which is likely to shut your partner down) you might say something like ‘as you probably know by now, I’m a person who appreciates cleanliness in my home. For the last few weeks you haven’t been cleaning up as you had promised and I’ve ended up feeling stressed out and uncomfortable as a result. Can we talk about what’s going on and whether we’ve got the right chore distribution?’
Parenting and nagging is a habit – and one that can be broken. These tips can help you communicate in more healthy ways.
April 19, 2018
Building Connection
Quote of the Week
“My friends say I have an intimacy problem but they don’t really know me.”
- Garry Shandling - As quoted by David Brooks
Building Connection
Many couples impacted by ADHD complain about no longer being close. And as with Shandling’s humorous quote, they often blame their partner for this. I would posit, after having worked with many couples, that both partners contribute to the problem. Bear with me here…
Yes, ADHD can get in the way. Those with ADHD are often ‘inwardly focused’, meaning that it takes lots of energy to organize that very active brain of theirs, and that work is largely ‘internal’, as well as largely invisible to their partner. Further, some with ADHD who head towards the autism side of things, have genuine difficulty making connections – not because they wouldn't want to, but because it’s hard for them to interpret and act on social cues.
And then there are non-ADHD partners. I can’t tell you how often I hear some version of “I just can’t interact with my partner any more. I’m too angry/frustrated/hurt/sad…” Yet deciding not to interact leads inevitably to disconnection.
If you are feeling disconnected, you are both struggling, and I get that. But you can’t be more intimate if you don’t at least try to connect. That usually means both managing ADHD distractibility and addressing anger issues so you can make an extra effort to connect around positive things.
One little exercise that helped my husband and I reconnect was both of us writing down “50 things that I like.” Write 50 sentences starting with the words “I like…” They don’t all have to be about your partner or relationship. One of mine, for example, was “I like the sound of the rain on the roof.” (Hilariously, my husband wrote the same thing!) But some will inevitably be about your partner and that will feel good to you both.
At the end of the exercise, my husband’s comment was “Huh. I guess we have a lot more in common than I was thinking we do.”
Need a little help getting back the closeness you once shared? My Recovering Intimacy self study course was created to bring couples together again. We recommend that struggling couples who have not done so take The ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples Tele-Seminar first in order to calm your relationship. Learn more here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins September 26, 2018.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
Advice from a Friend
Quote of the Week
“The way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. You are the captain of your ship…"
- Claire Messenger
Advice from a Friend
I have a friend who has become a serious marathon runner. She trains seriously, and shares inspirational photos of her training journey on Instagram. She’s also an artist, so her photographs are also beautiful representations of the human body.
It is inspiring to watch her journey, and her words about giving up power ring true to me. We don’t always get to choose our destiny – health issues come to mind – but we do get to choose how we respond to our destiny. Will we remain open and receptive to new ideas, be flexible in our thinking, and seek to create the best with what we have? Or will we escape, close down, and run from our troubles?
This is an intensely relevant question when dealing with ADHD in relationships. The nature of ADHD – chronic distraction; difficulty engaging reliably; trouble following through; memory issues; emotional lability – these all hit at the heart of what relationships are all about. And yet…adults with ADHD are more than just their ADHD. They are also often compassionate; warm; joyfully in the moment, and more.
It saddens me when I see ADHD adults give up their power after years of battering from a world that has difficulty interpreting their actions. I’m not advocating simply saying ‘take me as I am’ and ignoring the basic needs of those around them for solid management of their ADHD symptoms. But I am suggesting that staying engaged and choosing to direct their own lives, rather than retreat, can create a life of joy.
Do you have ADHD? If so, what are you doing as captain of your own ship?
No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and/or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 2018.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
Real Love
Quote of the Week
“We have a collective story about how romantic love is supposed to work, and it’s a pretty straightforward one. It goes something like this: If it lasts, then it’s real. If it doesn’t, then it wasn’t. Either that, or someone screwed it up really badly."
- Katherine Woodward Thomas
Real Love
Nope – it’s not that simple. Sometimes real love dies even when both partners are trying really hard. And maybe no one screwed up. I’ve seen couples: grow apart; be unable to manage the stresses and surprises of being parents; be crippled by financial stress; give in to family of origin pressure; succumb to ADHD symptoms and responses to symptoms.
Their inability to stay together wasn’t a screw up. And it wasn’t because they didn’t love each other. Sometimes, like in the case of many with ADHD issues, they had a problem and didn’t know about the tools that could help them overcome the stressors and hopelessness they felt.
Don’t let lack of knowledge contribute to the demise of your relationship if ADHD is a factor in your struggles. My adhdmarriage.com website has many great resources and information to support you…and I’m always available for questions. You don’t need to do this alone.
No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Starts September 2018
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
Soul Mates, and All That
Quote of the Week
“Another helpful adjustment is to drop the idea of finding a soul mate. “We have this mythological idea that we will find a soul mate and have these euphoric feelings forever,” says Chapman. "In fact, soul mates tend to be crafted, not found."
- Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages
Soul Mates, and All That
My husband’s affair partner once told him they were soul mates. When I asked him if he concurred, he replied “That’s what she thinks.” It made me think about the concept of soul mates and I ended up in a place very much like Chapman’s.
In my opinion, the idea that someone is ‘perfect’ for us just by being themselves, is a myth. In the case of this affair partner, perhaps a myth placed on top of a fantasy, to justify trying to steal someone else’s husband. It assumes a ‘happily ever after’ just by being together. That’s just not how healthy, joyous relationships work. Marriage research shows clearly that euphoric feelings lessen for 97% of couples after the dopamine of infatuation wears off (at between 24 – 28 months into the relationship.) And then it becomes about overtly nurturing your connections.
In relationships impacted by ADHD, this nurturing typically has to be even more thought through – schedule time to be together, don’t just assume it will happen (too much distraction for that!) Make sure to keep doing new and challenging things together to connect. Work hard to optimize ADHD treatment so that inconsistency doesn’t hurt your relationship. Avoid falling into parent/child dynamics at all costs (this takes work by both parties!)
But with all that – you may be able to end up saying, as my husband and I do, we are with just the right person. Is that a soul mate? Nah, but I don’t feel I need a label beyond ‘really, really happy.’ And both of us plan on doing the work to keep it that way.
No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship teleseminar - both start September 2018.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Starts September 2018.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
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