Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 55
December 28, 2017
5 Reasons He Refuses to Admit He Has ADHD - And What To Do
Start here
It’s confusing and feels hurtful – your partner has many symptoms of ADHD, and you know enough to understand it’s heritable, so having 2 kids with ADHD ups the chances significantly that one of you has it. Yet…he adamantly refuses to get an evaluation, telling you instead that ‘you just need to lighten up’ and ‘if you would just be nicer to me, everything would be fine.’
“I’m Not the Problem…You Are!”
Though you probably don’t see it this way, there is actually good logic to denying that you have ADHD. The most common thinking is ‘if I am diagnosed with ADHD then my partner will blame me for all of our marital problems.’ And, the reality is, marital issues are NEVER just the fault of one partner. But even therapists may be tempted, once that label is given, to focus on what the ADHD partner needs to do better to ‘be a good partner.’ Sadly, this misses one of the ‘biggies’ in why relationships impacted with ADHD struggle so much – parent/child dynamics. And, in that, the non-ADHD or more organized ADHD partner is equally complicit. Particularly when a non-ADHD is emphasizing the failures of the suspected ADHD partner in an attempt to get him to get an evaluation, it’s easy to understand why resistance would make sense, even if it’s not productive in the long run.
“I Do Fine at Work, I Can’t Have ADHD”
Work is often either a highly structured environment (with someone else creating the structure) or highly creative (where no rules seem to apply.) Either way, the person suspected of having ADHD isn’t creating a structure from scratch. Furthermore, many jobs are quite interesting – easily keeping the attention of a person who has ADHD…AND, many have support teams and assistants to fill in where an ADHD partner might be weak (for example, in scheduling or organizing.) Home has none of this – in fact, most tasks are boring or monotonous; you have to create and maintain your own organization; and there is no admin to help you out. Many highly successful business people with ADHD fall on their faces at home until they acknowledge their ADHD.
“I Did Fine in School, I Can’t Have ADHD”
This is a variation on the above. You can be really smart and get through your education with ADHD – not all struggle. That still won’t help you in your relationship, though. Completely different skill sets.
“Your Anger is the Issue”
Non-ADHD partners are often exceptionally angry and frustrated by the time they start suggesting ADHD might be a factor. It’s really easy to see how destructive that anger is, and it is a true statement to say that non-ADHD anger is a big issue in the relationship. It’s just not the only issue. If ADHD is present and your relationship is struggling, then I guarantee ADHD is ALSO an issue. This isn’t either/or…
“I Did Just Fine Before I Met You”
This may well be true, and the logic makes sense. “I can’t be broken, as you as suggesting I am, because I function fine on my own.” The suspected ADHD partner may well have done ‘just fine’ on his or her own. That may be in part because when you are on your own you have no one else to think about but yourself when it comes to what time you leave for the airport; what you eat; what your home looks like; whether or not you take out the trash or clean the bathrooms; and, importantly WHEN you do all this stuff, if you do. But living in relationships are not the same, and doing well before you have to be more accountable to another person is not an indicator – one way or the other – of whether or not ADHD is present.
What to Do
Don’t blame: If you are the non-ADHD partner, understand that the most important step in getting your partner to consider an evaluation is to stop blaming your partner for your relationship troubles. In fact, start working on your own issues and make it clear that you understand that two people create issues – you’re working on your side and are requesting that your partner consider his (or hers.) Take the pressure off, and stop communicating (even inadvertently) that you think ‘fixing the ADHD’ will fix the relationship. This attitude says to your partner loud and clear that you think he is broken.
Get educated: A diagnosis of ADHD is actually great news – it’s one of the singly most manageable conditions you can have. I’ve seen many, many couples move from a place of great anger and dislike to find the love they thought they had lost. My books can help you learn more about how ADHD might impact you both. Even more to the point is my couples seminar. If you take the live version you have access to me for 8 weeks and I promise to answer ALL of your questions (no exaggeration there.) Many who take it only suspect they might have ADHD and wish to find out more - many of those people registered after their partners acknowledged the wariness they felt, asking "I know you aren't excited to learn about ADHD, but this information is really important to me - I'm wondering if you might try it out just for that reason." If your partner isn't sure s/he wants to find out more, rest assured - I have a generous 'you really have nothing to lose' refund policy so you can try out the course at no risk.
Get your own house in order. Particularly if your partner is pointing to your anger as a source of problems in your relationship, it helps to work on lessening that anger so that your partner has more difficulty blaming you rather than looking inward. You can't control your partner's contributions to your relationship problems, but you can control your own.
Stop focusing on the ADHD: If the partner suspected of ADHD just can’t manage to see his way to getting an evaluation, then focus on the issues of the relationship rather than the ADHD label. "Treat" the relationship issues (which you do have, even without the label of ADHD) and symptomatic issues that don't need a prescription. Sleep issues, better eating, exercise all help manage ADHD symptoms as well as have a host of other benefits. So, for example, if anger is pervasive in both parties, diagnose what sort of anger, and start putting strategies in place for you both. What you will find is some things may get better, and some won’t – and if ADHD is truly there, the things that don’t get better will point more clearly to ADHD, which may make it easier to consider an evaluation.
Get that evaluation: Once the pressure and blaming are off the table it may be easier to consider an evaluation. Getting an evaluation doesn’t commit one to a specific path such as taking medications. It simply gives you information that points in a direction that will help you improve your life in whatever direction you choose to pursue. It helps put you in control! If you have anger issues, you can move down that path with knowledge about how ADHD might play a role. If it’s organization, then you can choose that path, with specific tools designed to suit your needs as an ADHD adult. (Why waste time trying to use tools that work for others, but not for you???!) If it’s focus, then perhaps you wish to consider if medication might be right. The good news is that 50-70% of adults diagnosed with ADHD can make huge improvements in their symptoms with good treatment and another 20% can make significant improvement. Those are amazing numbers, and you deserve to partake in that!
December 21, 2017
5 Tips for Having the Happiest Holiday Ever
Joy in Marriages with ADHD
The November – January holiday season is supposed to be one of great joy and family connection. The hard part, though, is that often that family joy comes at the expense of one or two family members who expend a great deal of effort getting things just right, cooking (for 5 different special diets!), decorating, and making sure Aunt Lucy and Uncle Xavier don’t get into it again. This can be exacerbated when there is ADHD in the house – when deadlines and specific family traditions put a premium on being organized and ‘falling into line.’ Phew! It’s hard to feel joyful when you’re exhausted, so here are some ideas for upping the ‘joy factor.’
Embrace potluck. I should have loved the holidays growing up…and there were parts of it I did love – the three generation crafts projects my mother loved; decorating the tree and sharing memories of where each ornament came from; making cookies. Notice that all of these things are playful and connecting (see below!) What I definitely did NOT love was the kitchen death march to get a very complex, set menu (passed down from my grandmother) onto the table. I was chained to the kitchen for a good part of the day, executing the orders.
Consider purchasing pre-cooked food, having a pot luck, or creating a menu that can be made ahead at a more leisurely pace. If you have visitors flying in (making it hard to bring something) task them with creating their part of the meal after they arrive. Or, put them in charge of something that must be bought or takes time, such as buying alcohol or decorating dessert.
Slow down. In the holidays I used to be a woman with a mission – there was a lot to do in a very short time! As a result, I got a bit more bossy. This does not fit well within a household that includes ADHD. When he saw me (the mini drill sergeant) coming, my husband, who HATES being told what to do would head for the hills, leading to my feeling frustrated and abandoned. I’ve learned that slowing down, and being less invested in a specific outcome makes everyone (including me) more comfortable and happier. If I’m not stressed about the holiday, neither is the rest of the family.
Make it ‘good enough’, and be flexible. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that ‘Holiday parties’ = ‘need to make things perfect.’ Pair Christmas caroling with pizza and beer or a holiday dinner with the take out Chinese you all love. What’s most memorable is HOW you are together. The stuff that surrounds you is much less important. Many of the details can be ‘good enough.’
Walk and play. All generations enjoy a good walk, so everyone can get out, kids can run around. A good walk is a happy reset button for the entire family. Family games and puzzles also provide an opportunity for laughter and a nice break from politics and family gossip.
Take care of yourself. I need quiet time. At the holidays I REALLY need quiet time. Don’t overschedule yourself – make sure to set aside some time to read a book, exercise or do something that brings you calm
December 18, 2017
How Do You Know When to Quit A Relationship?
Start here
More than half of couples impacted by ADHD struggle in their relationships. Many of these couples, like my husband and I, have struggled for many years with a slow descent into chronic frustration and anger as 'the ADHD Effect' took over. (To clear the record, we USED to struggle. We don't any more.!)
So I get this quesiton with regularity - when do you know to call it quits? I do think you know in your heart when you just don't feel all the effort or pain or frustration is worth it any more. You feel you've exhausted all possible paths on your own side, and/or you are convinced that your partner simply won't do anything more...and after all that work you still don't like the situation you are in well enough to wish to stay.
But I remember when there were days my heart was screaming 'LEAVE!!!' and yet, I couldn't. How DO you make this decision?
Ultimately, the relationship needs to either bring you happiness (or have a realistic potential to do so) or at least bring satisfaction on some important dimension. There are a number of dimensions I see people consider in this process: keeping the family together is one for some people; financial stability; fun to be with; romantic, dependable, etc. Which dimensions are important to you is very personal. So I would suggest you look at your own value system and ask yourself "at this point in my life, is this what I want?" Think about it realistically and against 'own' your values. So, for example, many adults (men and women) choose to stay in a somewhat sub-optimal relationship until the kids are grown because they value having the family together and, perhaps, wish to see if they get along better (or worse) once the stress of having kids at home is lessened. Others place more value on financial security or fun or love or...There are no 'good' or 'bad' dimensions - the point is only to evaluate your own situation against your own values.
My own story is one of feeling, even in really awful times, that there was a strong core to our love that just happened to be currently covered in a lot of (you know what) but which was salvageable. There were some points at which it was clear that I could be a much better partner than I had been, and so we both felt it made sense to stay at least until I got my own act straightened out. There were other times when it was my husband who needed to clean up his own act and I was the one waiting. Again, we both felt it was worth waiting to see if we could recover and actually discussed it. When one partner is egregiously outside the boundaries of the relationship (for example, having an affair) it makes sense to put a deadline on your willingness to wait it out so that you don't find yourself sliding into long-term misery. If things haven't improved by your deadline, then that's a good indicator it's time to leave. (Note on this: make sure to put a reasonable deadline...then hold to it. It might take a year to clear up and end an affair and frequently takes at least that long to get traction on managing ADHD symptoms after the ADHD partner has genuinely engaged with the project, which is often not simultaneous with the diagnosis.)
It helps greatly that my husband did get his primary ADHD symptoms under control. If he had not, the 'do I leave?' equation would have been different for me because his continued spurts of anger would have been in direct conflict with some of my own closely held values around respect. At some point, uncovering that core of love would have seemed impossible.
There are also logistical issues that may determine whether or not you end a relationship and these must be weighed against how bad things are. Physical abuse is a 'no tolerance' issue for me (and I hope for you) - if it happens, you leave. Get the help of an abuse hotline or your doctor if you fear for your safety. In addition, finances, your physical or mental health situation, and more can make an impact on your decision and that's okay. Nobody else gets to tell you why you should or shouldn't stay in your relationship - if they did I wouldn't be in mine anymore and look at all the fun I would be missing! No, this is your decision, and your decision alone. Understand your values, make your decision pro or con, and stand up for it.
Tags: divorce, end marriage, anger, frustration
November 24, 2017
What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and How Does it Relate to ADHD?
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHDADHD Voices
A participant in my most recent ADHD couples seminar recently made a life-changing discovery – he has suffered all of his life from Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria along with his ADHD. He wrote movingly of the impact this has had on his life.
What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)?
Most adults with ADHD have an incredibly deep and painful aversion to rejection. This is not a learned behavior, but rather part of the physiology of their ADHD. It goes beyond the emotional lability* that is now recognized as a part of ADHD. With RSD, rejection is so hard to bear that those who have it build life skills around avoiding it. As you’ll see from the story below, it also greatly impacts how ADHD adults respond to those around them.
What Does RSD Look Like in Your Life?
According to William Dodson, MD, RSD encourages those who have it to compensate for the pain they feel from rejection in three basic ways – striving for perfection (nothing to reject); rejecting those who critique (move away from the pain); or intermittently raging to hurt or punish those who reject. How does this show up in your life? Here’s one man’s story:
"Last week, 23 years into a challenging and often rocky marriage with a non-ADHD partner, with 6 kids ranging from elementary school to college, with 10 years diagnosed and medicated (but not well-treated) for ADHD, and 15 months into marital and individual therapy, I stumbled on William Dodson’s ADDitude articles about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. They were revelatory. Through this model so much more of my life makes sense, from my childhood to now.
Every direct human interaction is impacted by my deep aversion to rejection, and every personal and private action is as well, because anything I think or do can ultimately come to light. Rejection avoidance, in the context of RSD, has been so great a motivation that I’d place it as one of the lower levels in my own Maslow hierarchy.
My general approach to personal and relational life has been to either seek perfection so there is no grounds for rejection (which I did in my youth through religious zeal and academic success, and do at work and some other environments), or throw in the towel and withdraw and people please so there’s nothing objectionable to reject (in my adult relationships after repeated moral failures burst the delusion of moral and relational perfection). And in interactions with my family, I can see how I internalize “rejection-events” as mini-depressions, and externalize them as fits of rage toward the one “rejecting” me. I use quotes because I had to use my reactions as cues to the trigger, and discover that yes, there’s a deep sense of rejection I’m feeling in those moments. Though I would have never recognized it this way without the model Dr Dodson presents. “Emotional disregulation/lability” is too general to get there, and “Shame” is really close, but not nuanced enough as to what it’s attached to. It’s the deep feeling of failure/rejection in other people’s eyes - real or perceived - so deep that avoidance of it becomes a primary motivation in life that manifests itself in so many now identifiable ways.
And for what it’s worth, this is not simply a conditioned response to being shamed as children because of other ADHD symptoms. Mine didn’t come from years and years of adults telling me I was a disappointment or a bad person. I overachieved as a kid academically to get praise and adoration from parents and teachers, despite my undiagnosed ADHD and despite having parents who saw no wrong in me ever. Even so, any negative judgment from them or any adult was so personally shame-inducing (dysphoric) that I avoided or hid failure at all costs to avoid the perceived rejection that would follow. "
What Happens to Your Relationship if you Have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
RSD will contribute to volatility in your relationship because you will be more likely to misinterpret basic behaviors in a partner. For example, if your partner is quite busy, you might interpret that as a rejection and feel particularly hurt, even though there is nothing personal at all about the action. In addition, sensitivity to potential rejection is so strong that any whiff of potential disapproval or rejection might send you into one of the three types of behaviors above.
Another issue would be a greater likelihood of cover-ups and lying to avoid pain.
How To Treat Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
There are medicinal ways to help manage RSD. William Dodson, M.D. recommends either guanfacine and clonidine in combination or MAOIs off label. See this article in ADDitude Magazine for more details.
Another good article on RSD (but without the treatment suggestions) is How RSD Derails Relationships.
*Emotional lability is when a person typicaly responds emotionally more extremely and more quickly than others might expect in the situation. It is thought to be a core characteristic of ADHD.
October 26, 2017
ADHD Across the Lifespan
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHDADHD Voices
The severity of ADHD symptoms – as well as what symptoms you exhibit – change with environmental factors such as stress, lack of sleep, or an increase in responsibilities. They also change with age, and yes, they can get more severe later in life.
Overview of ADHD as You Age
Research and clinical experience suggest that there is a common pattern that goes something like this for people diagnosed as children:
Children with signs of ADHD may be diagnosed early – and they often start to struggle around 5th grade when work becomes more taxing, and they are expected to stay in their seats and sit still. The brains of children with ADHD mature later than those without it, so ADHD kids tend to lag their peers in developing sound judgment. While ‘mature’ critical thinking capabilities generally mature around age 24 or 25, for those with ADHD it is more like age 27.
About 30% of children diagnosed with ADHD will no longer show symptoms into adulthood, either through maturity or developing critical coping skills. Many outgrow hyperactivity (or get it better under control) as they move into adulthood, as well.
In their 20s, and once on their own, young adults tend to discount the importance of their ADHD symptoms and undermanage them until they see themselves falling behind their peers. So there is often a dropping of treatments in the early 20s (and a corresponding increase in symptoms) then a re-engagement in the late 20s and early 30s (this for folks who knew they have it.) Issues that come with having their own children aren’t so much about a flare in ADHD symptoms as they are an addition of a bunch of responsibilities that aren’t in the ADHD sweet spot PLUS more sleep deprivation (which does make symptoms worse.) So adults get a flare in the relationship from a decrease in the ability of the ADHD partner to contribute proportionately to the added workload.
As you know if you have read much at this site, almost 60% of the time ADHD symptoms and responses to those symptoms cause marital dysfunction that needs to be addressed, and can add stress that increases the expression of ADHD symptoms.
Later in life, natural changes in the brain can increase ADHD symptoms, particularly forgetfulness and distractibility. Women have an additional issue - menopause decreases estrogen by about 60% and, as estrogen is tightly linked to the production of dopamine, causes a significant drop in already-low dopamine levels.
And, throughout the life, ADHD symptoms can be temporarily made worse through increase stress, decreased sleep, decreased exercise, a change in treatment regimen, and co-existing conditions such as anxiety, to name just a few.
A Man with ADHD Tells His Story
A participant in my current seminar happened to write to me of his story with ADHD. It is classic, so worth sharing:
“I am a 41 year old married father of 2, I was diagnosed with a “learning disability” in the early 80s as a young boy around age 7 or 8 - this was before the term ADD or ADHD was coined. Through the initial testing I was observed to show the signs of what is now ADHD behavior/symptoms - distractibility, anxiety, focusing on tasks, starting tasks, etc. We started to do the “tricks” to help with memory, focus, impulse control, etc. which worked for a while until I began middle school. That is when I was officially diagnosed with ADD and under the care of a Dr. of Psychiatry - now enters Dexadrine spansul to my treatment agenda. All I have to say about this medication is WOW! Talk about focus! It calmed the noise in my head so I could focus on class work- so I could remember and recall the information. I was in control of where my mind went and how long it would be there. I stayed on this medication but in high school added a short acting Dexadrine pill to cover my after school activities and homework time. I stayed on this medication throughout high school and college. In general I was a good student - I worked my ass off to make the grades I did and there was a lot of help from my Mother, my Doctor, tutors and teachers that assisted along the way.
I am happy to say in May of 1999 I graduated with a degree in Occupation Safety and Health and have been working as a Safety Professional ever since. After college I got off all ADHD medications because I thought I did not need them any more. I knew my “tricks” to keep me focused and I would be fine . Yeah right - that lasted 2 years. So in 2002 I got back on medication and this time it was Adderall. This did well but the crash when I was coming down was a lot more harsh than the dexadrine. It made me grumpy/bitey for a few hours. Luckily I could sense when the meds were wearing off so I would go for a walk or go for a drive. This round of ADHD treatment with medication lasted for 3 years and I had the grand idea that it was time to come off the meds again - 2005..."
Marriage…with More Classic ADHD Experiences
"...My wife and I married in 2006 and had our first child in 2009. I got back on meds - Vyvance in 2012 and have been on this ever since. The main reason I got back on this was to combat the Symptom / Response / Response cycle that had developed in my marriage. My wife would tell me - “ I miss us.”, “I miss you.” And all the times I let her down by saying or doing something without thinking of how it would make her feel. All I could say was,” I am sorry.” If she pressed and kept on reminding me of how I let her down I would get angry and finally tell her “I am not a mind reader.” Also I began to lie to my wife about being at work - I would leave work on a Friday and go grab a few beers with the fellas - with every intension to be at home at my usual time but would lose track of time and would have to make up a lie about being at work handling an issue but would drink a few more and then go home. When I got home she would let me have it - as rightly she should have. This happened a few more times and stopped when she said she would leave and take the boys. She was right - no one deserves that - especially not from their husband. I have all the fear of disappointing others, fear of being viewed as not a partner to my spouse, and all the other fears an ADHD individual has that are referenced in your books…"
What if You Are Diagnosed Later in Life?
Sadly, it is still the case that between 80-90% of adults with ADHD don't yet know that they have it. That means that they have the 'shadow' of ADHD in their lives (i.e. the symptoms that are affecting them) but no explanation for what is going on. The chronic and difficult nature of ADHD symptoms means that they suffer when they don't need to. ADHD researcher, Russell Barkley Ph.D., and others estimate that 50-80% of adults with ADHD can manage their symptoms very well once they know they have it. So, if you are diagnosed later in life is it GOOD NEWS - you can finally do something about the struggles you may be facing. You will have some catching up to do, as entrenched coping strategies can take time to change, but can make great progress in managing the issues your ADHD presents. Yes, as you age you will experience the same sorts of ADHD changes that others in your age group experience, but you are on your way!
Tags: ADHD adults, aging, menopause, women with ADHD, diagnosis
October 12, 2017
Walls
Quote of the Week
“Before I built a wall I’d ask to know what I was walling in or walling out."
- Robert Frost
Walls
A human response to pain is to retreat or build a wall around oneself. While walls can be helpful for short-term protection, they are often problematic for couples. Because except in a few specific instances (such as physical abuse) when a couple struggles it is the result of what BOTH partners are contributing to the relationship. In ADHD-impacted relationships the most common combination is one partner is contributing under-managed ADHD symptoms and chaos; the other partner is being overly controlling and angry in response.
But if you just wall off the anger, the ADHD symptoms don’t usually get managed better. If you wall of the ADHD partner, the anger festers. You take your problems to opposite sides of the wall and…then what?
Relationships – and particularly FIXING relationships – are about ‘two’ not ‘one.’ In order to fix them it is best to not build a wall, but seek ways to constructively engage, instead.
Are you hiding behind a wall right now?
ADHD Women's Palooza - Going on NOW, Feb 5-10. It's not just for women, but also for the partner who loves her. This is a great resource for people looking to find out more about ADHD from over 30 experts. Melissa speaks at 10am on Feb 9. Register here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in October 2018.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
“Stop the Lying!”
Quote of the Week
“A study of the lies 1,000 U.S. adults told in the previous 24 hours found that people told an average of 1.65 lies per day; the authors noted that 60 percent of the participants said they told no lies at all, while the top 5 percent of liars told nearly half of all the falsehoods in the study."
- Bella DePaulo, researcher who studies lying, in a recent Washington Post article on lying and the White House
“Stop the Lying!”
A lie is when we intentionally try to mislead someone. Everybody lies, at least some of the time. My clinical observation, though I don’t have numbers on this, is that those with ADHD lie with more frequency than those who don’t have ADHD for three reasons:
They are often embarrassed by their difficulty following through as promised, so over time develop a coping strategy of covering up mistakes to avoid feeling so unresolvedly bad
They are under a lot of pressure to ‘prove’ themselves by performing better and hate to disappoint those that they care about. Again, lying ‘feels better’ in the moment than arguing about why they under-performed again
They have been told they ‘can’t’ do something they really want to do and impulsively do it anyway, then need to cover up the action
Sadly, lies undermine the trust that is the bedrock of every relationship and so cannot continue if your relationship is to be healthy. To move away from lying, both partners need to empathetically understand WHY the lies are there and create an environment in which transparency is more highly treasured than task completion. It has to be okay for an ADHD partner to say, for example, “I promised I would do X by Tuesday, but I’m behind, so I’m guessing it will be more like Friday.” Ideally, that comment is embraced, not just tolerated, because honesty and owning your behaviors is critical to a couples’ success.
This brings up thorny questions about task completion and responsibilities, of course. Because tasks DO need to get done, and that promise to do it later needs to have some basis in reality. Non-ADHD partners fear that being ‘okay’ with putting something off means that it will never get done…and this fear is often based in the reality of what it was like to live with an undiagnosed ADHD partner. As a result, many come to take on the role of ‘enforcer.’ That is, they believe that if they put enough pressure on the ADHD partner it will force him or her to stay on task.
Sadly, it also encourages lying.
Don't get me wrong. I’m not suggesting non-ADHD partners are responsible for their ADHD partner’s lies. Only that environment does matter, and it makes sense to be aware of that fact.
So getting past lies isn’t just about saying ‘stop.’ It’s about both partners having a full understanding of how ADHD impacts their relationship; of the roles that they each play in the dynamics that encourage continued lying; and about developing skillful responses to ADHD in both partners.
Melissa covers lying as one of the topics in her life-changing couples seminar. 2018 live sessions will only be held in January and October, so register now for the live session that starts January 30.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
Being Available…and the Smartphone
Quote of the Week
“Depending on the study you pick, smartphone-users touch their device somewhere between twice a minute to once every seven minutes. Conducting tasks while receiving e-mails and phone calls reduces a worker’s IQ by about ten points relative to working in uninterrupted quiet. That is equivalent to losing a night’s sleep, and twice as debilitating as using marijuana. By one estimate, it takes nearly half an hour to recover focus fully for the task at hand after an interruption."
- The Economist, 12/7/17
Being Available…and the Smartphone
“My husband looks at his phone at dinner, rather than talking to the kids. He says he has to always be available for work…”
“My wife is a news junkie – she would much rather be on her tablet than talk to any of us.”
“My husband has started to flirt with his ex girlfriend online. Now, even when he’s in the bathroom I wonder if he’s texting her.”
“The phone is always there. And no matter how important the conversation, if it buzzes, my partner has to look. I hate that.”
I cannot tell you how many couples I’ve worked with who find that electronics are hurting their relationship. Often, it’s the phone, and often it’s an ADHD partner who simply can’t put it down, and can’t resist the temptations it provides.
There are some reasons for this electronics addiction that ADHD heightens – constant stimulation; the surprise factor – you never know what might show up; its immediacy; and lots of little squirts of dopamine that make you feel good. These appeal to all of us – and to those with ADHD even more.
Even so, the numbers above surprised me. Twice as debilitating as marijuana?! Losing a night’s sleep?! Please have a conversation about the toll that electronics are having on your family, and consider setting up some ‘electronics free’ chunks of time that happen every day or week. A ‘no phones at dinner’ rule probably makes sense (lots of chance to connect and converse there!) and perhaps at least one weekend afternoon or evening that can be set aside for family or couple fun.
We should be at least as worried about not being available for our loved ones as we are for our work or Instagram pals.
Want to be more available to your partner? .... take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts January 30th. Don't delay - Register now. Questions? Please contact Melissa.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Starts January 30th!
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
Shame
Quote of the Week
“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable."
- Brene Brown
Shame
Last week I wrote about lies and cover ups and creating a safe place to be honest. Part of that honesty is being able to talk about your own concerns and questions, be that feeling badly or ashamed you did something, to wondering if you’ll ever get it right, to…you name it.
Healthy relationships are those in which partners can voice their fears as well as their triumphs, their most miserable feelings as well as their best. As partners on either side of the ADHD/non-ADHD partnership (or ADHD/ADHD) we need to make it our job to ensure our own behaviors create a safe space for our partner.
And, because I always say this – I’m not talking about getting walked all over. As an example, if your partner is verbally abusing you, then it makes sense to get professional help…which is a ‘safe space’ approach to dealing with conflict, rather than either retreating or fighting back.
Get your relationship back on track - register for the January couples tele-seminar and the Tele-coaching groups for ADHD and non-ADHD adults going on now!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
8 Ways to Save Money on Your ADHD Prescriptions
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
One of my current seminar participants happens to be an M.D. After someone asked how to pay less for ADHD medications that are currently costing her north of $300 a month, this doctor sent me six excellent suggestions for keeping the cost of medications down. Because he’s the doctor in the house, I’ve reprinted what he wrote verbatim. Thanks, doc!
TIP 1: www.goodrx.com Excellent for finding the best cash-pay prices in your area.
TIP 2: Various manufacturer co-pay discount coupons. One example can be found on www.vyvanse.com. ($60 per month discount). You usually must have commercial insurance for these to work.
TIP 3: https://www.goodrx.com/central-nervous-system-stimulants also provides a good summary of medications, recent prices, and links to the manufacturers’ discount programs.
TIP 4: Ask your doctor to prescribe the short-acting generic version of your favorite medication. This is usually 1/3 to 1/4 the price, but it’s less convenient and may lead to more ups and downs throughout the day. For many people, including myself, is preferable to pay more for the longer-acting pills.
TIP 5: Review your insurance company’s annual medication formulary. Ours, for example, would require a Google search for something like “Providence of Oregon formulary 2017 pdf.” Choose the most relevant document for your specific health plan and search the list for the lowest tier or generic (i.e. cheapest) options. We found two files and it was difficult to determine which was most applicable for our insurance plan.
Reviewing both of these formularies, it was clear that Providence Health Plan preferred generic Adderall, generic dexadrine, and generic Ritalin. My co-pay was either $50 a month for a 30-day supply or $100 for a 90-day supply. We found Walgreens to be the only local pharmacy that would accept a 90-day supply. (It is possible that our insurance company’s preferred mail-order pharmacy could have been cheaper).
TIP 6: If 90-day supplies are cheaper under your plan, you may ask your doctor for 90. You may, however, have a hard time convincing your doctor that this is legal. Usually, one may only receive 30 days of a Schedule II controlled substance at a time, without a refill. Apparently mail-order pharmacies, and local pharmacies which have out-of-state mail-order branches, have found the legal loophole to prescribe 90 days on a single script. I would suggest calling your insurance company’s preferred mail order pharmacy to confirm that they will accept a prescription for 90 days of your ADHD medication. If they say yes, tell your doctor and ask him or her to try sending the script (either electronically or hard copy via mail) and see if everything works out. Doctors may end up being excited that they don’t have to go through the laborious process of post-dating three separate 30-day prescriptions.
TIP 7: Change insurance companies. This might seem extreme, but there can be drastic differences in total out-of-pocket costs if a slightly more expensive insurance plan pays for all of your ADD medications. If eligible, go to https://www.healthcare.gov/see-plans/#/search and enter your medication to search for plans that cover your pills. Be sure to enter your doctor’s info to ensure they take the new insurance plan. Open enrollment starts Nov. 1st.
And another...TIP 8: This one comes from a different class participant - sometimes there are groupon coupons for medications. This person just found a Groupon that was Vyvanse for $30 a month for a year.
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