Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 59
May 10, 2017
What Happens When You Take ADHD Meds?
People regularly ask me "will I have side effects from taking my ADHD meds?" My response? "I hope so!" No, I'm not hoping they will experience loss of appetite or irritability (two possible side effects from stimulants) but I AM hoping they will experience some of the positive side effects from taking medications that work for them. Here are just a few examples of these 'side effects' as relayed to me by adults with ADHD.
"I call it my 'get-it-done' medication. Meds keep me focused at work and when I need to follow through."
"Before my partner started taking his meds a week ago he described his attention as being like a water balloon. He would throw it in a direction and it would splat all over the place. Now, with the meds, he describes his attention as being like a fire hose. He aims, and fires on target! We're really excited about what's happening!"
"Having ADHD is like having 50 TV sets going in my head at once. Ritalin works by turning off forty-nine of them."
"The medications I take for ADHD calm my mind and give me a bit more time to consider before I act."
"I take Wellbutrin for my ADHD and it stops the spurts of anger that used to threaten my marriage."
Medication doesn't work for everyone - about 80% of adults can find a medication that helps them significantly manage ADHD symptoms without meaningful side effects - that leaves 20% who can't. And different medications work differently for different people - many must experiment with both the type of medication and the dosage before they find something that is right for them.
Finally, I must reiterate that good treatment is NOT just about meds. Please download my free treatment e-book from my home page for much more information about how to optimize treatment for adult ADHD. But isn't it great to hear what it's like when ADHD meds work? Not all 'side effects' are bad!
*NO, I have no affiliation with any pharmaceutical company and have never been paid by a pharmaceutical company.
May 8, 2017
6 Staycation Tips for ADHD Couples
Joy in Marriages with ADHD
A recent article in the New York Times about how to make the most out of a staycation reminded me that taking a quick break from the everyday routine can remind couples why they fell in love in the first place. You get out from under your 'to do' list; you aren't around the normal distractions; and you can explore or schedule things that you specifically find fun.
The Times article has some great tips. Here are more - specifically for couples impacted by ADHD:
Get the outline in place (dates, time, location with reservations if needed) but don't over schedule the actual event. Spontaneity often leads to less stress when someone with ADHD is involved.
Don't set unintentional traps for the ADHD partner. As an example, don't say to an ADHD partner "I would love to go on a staycation in New York if you manage to plan it" and then disappear from the planning process, waiting to see if this time around the ADHD partner will show how much he cares by managing to find a hotel, set the date, etc. when that has not been a strong point in the past. The idea of the staycation is to LOWER stress, not raise it.
Make sure you're on the same page before you go. One couple I work with uses overnight get aways at a local hotel to spend 5 hours talking about deep emotional issues, then breaks the somber mood by going to a celebratory dinner and spending the night away from teh kids. This is a very different staycation than wanting to sit by the pool and flirt at the pool bar.
Be intentionally open to having fun. Having fun doesn't mean everything is 'fixed.' So go ahead, allow yourself to enjoy yourself...find some of those lost connections if you can. The chores will still be waiting for you when you get back.
Try something new and challenging. One of the fastest ways to connect is with something that you haven't done together before. Go ahead - try rollerblading or snorkeling or that salsa class and see what happens.
Your staycation may well need to be active. Particularly if you are a partner with the "H" part of ADHD, it's probably a good idea not to plan a day sitting by the pool. And even if hyperactivity isn't an issue, physical activity calms and focuses the ADHD mind, so can make your staycation more fun.
May 3, 2017
Experience More
Quote of the Week
“Sometimes when you plan a little less, you experience a little more.”
- Oprah Winfrey
Experience More
One of the differences between non-ADHD partners and ADHD partners is that the former tend to like to go from point A to point B in something that resembles a straight line. People with ADHD rarely do this. A few use planning things out in great detail as a way to keep their lives under control.
Yet for anyone who likes to ‘stay on track’ there is much to be gained by learning to savor the journey…celebrating and enjoying what happens along the way, rather than focusing on how it might take longer or upset your schedule.
Living in a straight line is efficient – something that Americans value greatly. But it usually isn’t ‘deepening,’ and that is where a lot of the best parts of relationships lie. When done right, saying ‘yes’ rather than ‘we don’t have time’ can create opportunities to enjoy together, to get to know each other better, to explore new places or ideas, or simply to smile.
Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not suggesting you get to the emergency room in Boston by way of Des Moines. There are times in your life when that straight line is absolutely necessary. It’s just not as often as many non-ADHD partners think it is.
Can you find time to savor the journey this week?
No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts October 3rd. Register here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
It’s Mandatory
Quote of the Week
“Pain is mandatory for all of us. It’s what teaches us. Suffering is what’s optional. That’s what happens when we try to skip over the pain.”
- Glennon Doyle
It’s Mandatory
Pain is part of life. In my own life, much of that pain (though certainly not all) has come from trying to figure out how to live with the unexpected hitchhiker in my relationship – ADHD. At this point I’ve worked with a whole lot of couples doing the same thing and one thing is abundantly clear. You cannot move away from suffering this pain unless you engage with it. Confront the ADHD in yourself or your partner. Accept that it’s there, and allow it to teach you.
What can that pain teach? Compassion. Love. Understanding. Resilience. Your power to affect change in challenging circumstances. That together you can be triumphant.
In order to move away from pain and stop suffering, you have to move all the way through the pain cycle, which has several steps. Or, you can choose to avoid pain and disengage or retreat. If you do this latter, you will continue in your suffering, for what’s causing the pain will likely not go away. Even divorce, which can eliminate the issues a specific partner brings to the relationship, doesn’t fully address the pain. I have yet to meet a person who wouldn’t have preferred to be happily married to a past partner instead of divorced.
Can you be brave enough to engage with your pain, and take the steps you yourself need to take to start to work through it?
Speaking of preferring to be happily married.... have you watched my video on couples who share their stories? They want you to know that you really can turn things around, even if you can’t imagine it now. They were all struggling, just like you. All wondering if they could actually make it....
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- online treatment overview;
- downloadable chapters of my books;
- a community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- a large number of blog posts on various topics;
- referrals
Plus my very popular couples course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn their relationships around. The next live course begins in October, 2017.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
We Get to Define Ourselves
Quote of the Week
“I’m not the next Usain Bolt or Michael Phelps. I’m the first Simone Biles.”
- Olympic gymnast, Simone Biles
We Get to Define Ourselves
Labels are handy and we use them all the time to quickly sort through lots of information. ADHD is one of those labels – it tells you, quickly, about how a person has a certain way of being in the world, with definable behaviors such as chronic distractions.
Yet a person is not their ADHD. And this is where the label falls very short. Simone Biles may be an exceptional athlete…but that is what she DOES. Who she IS…that’s all Simone. An ADHD partner does certain things when ADHD is undiagnosed or under-treated. They can do different things when they’ve optimized treatment. But who they are? That’s up to them. Inside of all those symptomatic behaviors is a person – with qualities that made you fall in love with him or her in the first place.
When you struggle, that person can get obscured by your mutual focus on symptoms and behaviors. You lose out, though, when you forget the core qualities that make you who you are. Like Simone, I urge you to identify your core person inside, and celebrate who you are (or, who your partner is).
No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts October 3rd. Register here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
Imagination
Quote of the Week
“Nothing hurts like nothing at all
When imagination takes full control…"
- Death Cab for Cutie
Imagination
Transparency. It’s critical when you are rebuilding a relationship, particularly after significant hurt. I’ve learned this the hard way, while recovering from affairs in our relationship. Inevitably when I didn’t know something about my husband’s situation with his past affair partner my imagination would fill in the blanks…and with a vengeance! I would imagine things such as: they had amazing sex; she was perfect for him; they never argued; they had a favorite song and my husband was playing it at home and secretly longing for her; they could live happily ever after…
Not ONE of those things turned out to be true. I know this because instead of letting my imagination eat me from the inside out, I got the courage to ask. The sex was fine, not amazing. He didn’t want to build a life with her…he didn’t even want to live with her. They did argue. No, they didn’t have any songs at all. No, it was clear their relationship wasn’t going to end in happily ever after…but ours is.
Imagination is great when you’re starting a new business. It can be incredibly hurtful when it fills in, and feeds, your insecurities and worries for lack of other information. So practice healthy conversational skills such as learning conversations, conflict intimacy and using verbal cues to develop healthy transparency in your relationship. If you don’t know what those things are, consider taking my 8-week couple’s seminar, given by conference call.
Where do you need more transparency?
No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts October 3rd. Register here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
Your Power
Quote of the Week
“Power is not taken at all. It’s given to individuals by others, including their partners, children, coworkers, social groups, and communicates, because they’ve served the interests of the greater good…’If you start from the assumption that you always have power, you realize you continually influence the world. You always have a chance to either uplift or diminish others.’”
- from an article about, and quoting, psychologist Dacher Keltner, UC Berkeley
Your Power
One of the saddest parts of struggling with ADHD in your relationship is that you both can feel powerless, when that’s very far from the truth. I understand how you get there – the non-ADHD partner feels powerless in the face of ADHD inconsistency. The ADHD partner can feel powerless in the face of non-ADHD partner anger and controlling behaviors.
But you can change that by giving power back to your partner. For non-ADHD partners that means stepping away from parent/child dynamics and inviting ADHD partners to step up and have equal status in the relationship. Stop taking on too much or stepping in all the time so that ADHD partners can gain the power they deserve. Replace anger with empathy.
ADHD partners can give power back to non-ADHD partners by acknowledging that ADHD is impacting them, and by optimizing their treatment for greater reliability. This makes it easier for non-ADHD partners to feel safe and loved in the relationship and allows them to lighten up.
Is it ironic that the fastest path to regaining your sense of self in your relationship is to exercise your own power by giving power back to your partner?
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The next session begins October 2017.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
Setting Goals Like a Top Athlete
Quote of the Week
“The idea of short-term goal-setting is to motivate me but not overextend me. Rather than thinking, ‘What do I need to do six months from now,’ I’m thinking, ‘What do I want to do today? How do I want to improve today?’"
- Student and All-America athlete, Sally Ceesay (Bates ’18)
Setting Goals Like a Top Athlete
Do you think big? That’s a good thing, for sure. BUT, when trying to reach your goals thinking about the really big thing you are trying to accomplish can feel overwhelming and confusing. Instead, it can really help if you focus on what you need to do today.
This is particularly true if you have ADHD or are living with someone with ADHD. Because while big may feel beautiful, the ADHD mind lives in the ‘now.’ Which means that reaching goals is almost always a process of creating one really great day after another. Non-ADHD partners who do not adopt this approach when trying to improve their relationship risk either losing their ADHD partner’s attention (boredom, distraction, or difficulty planning far into the future) or simply overwhelming their ADHD partner.
To make the most progress, focus on what YOU yourself can do TODAY to make your day – and your relationship – as good as possible. Over time you and your partner will amass a whole lot of those days and your relationship will be that much closer to that happier ending.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The next session begins in October, 2017.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
In My Dreams
Quote of the Week
“The sun’s coming up
She’s pulled all the blankets over her
Curled in a ball like she’s hiding from me
And that’s when I know
She’s gonna be pissed when she wakes up
For terrible things I did in her dreams…”
- Ben Folds
In My Dreams
I admit it. I often work through things in my sleep. It turns out this is common, as one of the things that our brain does is process while we sleep. Unlike some, I tend to remember my dreams…and even if they are bizarre, which they often are, they feel very real. Which used to create some real problems for my husband when we were struggling. I might go to bed angry or frustrated, dream about something awful or crazy that he was doing to me in my sleep…and wake up feeling nasty towards him.
It became something of a joke between us. “Okay, what did I do now? What will I suffer for today?” When we started to joke about my dreams it became easier to remind myself that those awful actions signified something, but not that he had driven a bus into a tree and torched our family and the neighborhood…or whatever the bizarre action was that had happened. I could step back and say ‘what am I working through here?’ without being pissed all day.
Do you ever wake up pissed at your partner? If so, consider taking a moment to ‘unblame’ your partner for your dreams and reflect upon what you might need to constructively discuss, instead of carrying your hard feelings around all day.
We are pleased to announce our updated mobile-friendly website. It looks very different, don't be surprised! It is also MUCH easier to navigate. (Agree? Your feedback is always welcome). Plus, our new logo welcomes you to our second decade of helping ADHD relationships thrive!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The next seminar will begin in October.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
May 1, 2017
Why it's Important to Explain Your Anxiety
Communication Tips with ADHDConflicts Around Household TasksWomen with ADHDADHD VoicesOrganization
I do this thing when we move that involves leaving overflowing boxes of my unpacked things all over our newest residence. This has been going on since I moved out of my parents’ house to go college at the age of 18 and has only gotten worse over time. A few months after my husband and I first moved in together, he gently admitted to being a little embarrassed to have friends over. The boxes freaked him out, and he said we looked homeless. Still in the very early stages of our relationship, I was mortified and immediately put my stuff away. That marks the first and only time I was not cohabitating with cardboard boxes in my adult life, and it lasted for only six months until we moved to another place.
Our latest move was in May 2016. In the following three months, my husband occasionally threw out kind reminders to unpack the two remaining offenders: one large box in the dining room and one large box (and an associated pile of who-knows-what) in the garage. Each time he brought it up, he carefully crafted his words in a way that made it seem like the request was a new one — a way that made it seem like he hadn’t already asked me 30 times. “Oh, hey, honey. Hey, I know you’re really busy, but if you could find some time to unpack your boxes this weekend, I’d really appreciate it. And I’ll absolutely help if you need me to!” Totally non-threatening, right? He was so great about it. Simultaneously in these three months, he was also asking when I was going to decorate our new home with things that were in those boxes, an activity I’d been expressing interest in for a while but kept putting off. Sometimes, those requests included an offer to unpack them for me (“It’s no big deal! I wouldn’t mind at all!”) and hang the pictures on the wall himself, to which I strongly declined.
By the time mid August rolled around, my husband had enough. Usually when he gets to his breaking point with the boxes, I move them to a place that isn’t visible, and that is the end of that. But this time he really needed an explanation for why I cannot ever unpack all of the boxes I move into a house. We argued about it for about two full hours. “I know you don’t care if they are there, but I do,” he said. “Why couldn’t you have unpacked them at any point in the last three months to make me happy,” or, “Why can’t you just hang the things on the wall? Don’t you want it to feel more like home?” I responded to all of his questions with various versions of, “I didn’t have time,“ or, “I forgot,” or, “It just wasn’t as important to me as other things I had to do.” These are my typical go-tos for this argument. Not being satisfied with those answers anymore, he continued to press the issue. Because I wanted to continue in my marriage, I mustered up the courage to share a piece of myself I had not shared with anyone else. And now I will share it with everyone on the internet.
Anxiety. Like, crippling anxiety.
I didn’t unpack the box in the garage because I couldn’t find my grandmother’s pearl ring after the move. I looked everywhere for it for months, and the only place left for it to be was in that box. I would be crushed if I unpacked the box and the ring wasn’t in there, so I decided I’d rather not know either way. I didn’t unpack the box in the dining room because it contained picture frames and other knickknacks that would go on our walls, and the thought of decorating filled me with so much dread. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to arrange everything perfectly the way I envisioned it, so I didn’t even want to try.
Anxiety is the reason for every single unpacked box in my entire life, and after explaining that to my husband in a face-paced, erratic speech pattern, I nervously glanced over to gauge his response. The expression on his face reminded me of the Saturday morning cartoon characters over whose heads a single light bulb would appear when they conceived a brilliant idea. He slowly glanced in my direction and calmly said, “Katie. You haven’t unpacked the boxes because of your anxiety. I am so sorry you’re experiencing this. I am so happy you told me. I want to help you.”
Why had I not let him in on this game-changing information during the last four years of The Box Wars? The answer is simple, really. I thought my reasoning was totally crazy. Being a rational and understanding person, my husband told me he could never be upset with this excuse, and he helped me to understand that it wasn’t my fault–I have no control over these feelings of anxiety. When I was ready, he said he would stand right next to me for support while I looked in the garage box for my grandmother’s ring (I found it, by the way. It was totally in the box). He said he would help me hang the things on the wall, and he apologized for pushing the issue before. He genuinely thought it was something I wanted to do. And it was. But I couldn’t.
As someone who has ADHD, it’s in my nature to internalize my anxiety, and, man, do I have anxiety. That day, my husband made me promise to identify immediately when a situation is anxiety-producing and explain why so that he could better understand and help. Often times my lack of follow-though on marital tasks is caused by anxiety. When my husband got mad at me for not looking up my credit score after asking me to do it several times, I told him I forgot. But really, I was avoiding it because I was afraid it would be lower than I would like. When my husband got mad at me for not mailing my best friend her wedding gift, I told him it’s because I forgot. But really, I was so scared that I wrote her address on the card wrong even though copied it exactly from her text, and then I looked at it several times after to make sure I had it right (I also have dyscalculia–like dyslexia with numbers). I still haven’t sent it, and we’re coming up on their first anniversary. My husband got mad at me when I didn’t tell him I had an 11 percent interest rate on a student loan and accused me of lying to him. But really, I didn’t even know I had an 11 percent interest rate because the whole student loan repayment thing gave me so much anxiety that I never wanted to learn about it. The list goes on; you get the point.
According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, about 50 percent of adults with ADHD also suffer from an anxiety disorder, and adult ADHD symptoms that coexist with an anxiety disorder may significantly impair the ability to function. This is clearly the case in my life. With any given anxiety-producing situation, its almost as if half of my brain is too riddled with fear to move past the awful thoughts of dread, while the other half realizes the thoughts are irrational. It is the latter half that prevented me from opening up about my box anxiety–and, well, all of my anxieties–to my husband. I learned a really valuable lesson that day. If I had let him in and been honest about the aforementioned situations, I might have saved us countless hours of fighting. But I kept it to myself and perpetuated the opinion that I didn’t care about things important to our family and things that meant a lot to my husband. I’m still learning to be honest about my anxiety with both him and myself, and it’s really hard, but it’s so much easier that fighting with him about the stupid boxes, which have since become a metaphor for my life. It also feels really good knowing I can trust him enough to tell him about my anxiety and that he will do anything he can to help.
If you are finding yourself in a similar situation, my advice to you is this: Try your hardest to be candid about your anxieties with your partner. You might not realize that your greatest ally and source of encouragement is the person you’re hiding your scariest truths from.
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