Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 63

Donald Trump is a Narcissist. Your Partner with ADHD Probably is Not

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 09/13/2016.ADHD Marriage: Start hereAnger, Frustration & ADHD

I cannot tell you how often I have had a non-ADHD partner contact me and say something such as “I have a partner with ADHD who is also a narcissist.”  Sometimes, a therapist (who usually doesn’t know much about ADHD, once I probe) has suggested this, as well.  Though your partner seems self-absorbed, it is likely not narcissism, and with the right approach it usually CAN be addressed within your relationship.

Why It’s Probably Not Narcissism

An article in the June, 2016 issue of The Atlantic gave one of the best descriptions of narcissism I’ve seen:  “Highly narcissistic people are always trying to draw attention to themselves.  Repeated and inordinate self-reference is a distinguishing feature of their personality…people with strong narcissistic needs want to love themselves, and they desperately want others to love them too – or at least admire them, see them as brilliant and powerful and beautiful, even just see them, period.  The fundamental life goal is to promote the greatness of self, for all to see.”  And, yes, the article was about Donald Trump…with good reason.  He is a textbook narcissist.

While some people with ADHD may also be narcissists, for the most part this description does not fit.  In fact, many with ADHD have low self-esteem and do not grandstand for attention.  They may be defensive, forget to do things they promise, talk about themselves or (and this is particularly common) be living somewhere inside their head…but they are not usually classically narcissistic.

What Is It, Then?  My Partner Seems to Pay Attention Mostly to Himself

It is fair to say that many with ADHD are “self-oriented.”  By this, I don’t mean selfish – though it might come across this way when combined with a struggling relationship and poor management of ADHD symptoms.  What I mean is that they are often somewhere inside their heads…often quite contentedly.  They can be completely engaged in something such as work on a computer, thinking through an exciting problem, or with doing a flurry of seemingly unrelated things.  Or they might be distracted by the many thoughts running through their head.  Or spending a lot of time trying to get their brain to do what they want it to do (such as be more organized, etc.)  None of these have much to do with their partner.

Sometimes this internal focus is a good thing.  When my daughter was younger, for example, she could play very contentedly for hours and hours by herself – absorbed in a world she created with toys and in her head.  My non-ADHD son, on the other hand, doesn’t have such skill at being contentedly on his own.

There is a lot going on in the head of a person who has ADHD.  Even if you have the distractible version of ADHD, that brain is very, very fast – with thoughts darting here and there, often with little order or hierarchy.  One past seminar participant described it as a “popcorn brain.”  A friend once called it “the Library of Congress with no card catalogue.”  Both make the point – in order to use that type of brain it takes a lot of energy and effort.  That energy is directed inward – to where the energetic thoughts are happening and need to be corralled.

Living Well with ADHD

Couples who live successfully with ADHD learn that this self-orientation is okay – it’s part of taming an ADHD brain.  But that time spent inside oneself does need to be offset by enough of what I call “attend time” if the other partner is to feel well-loved.  Attend time is the time the two of you schedule to spend together that specifically communicates your love to each other.  That might be a date for two, a morning walk and talk, bike riding together and chatting, sex, talking about your dreams, nurturing a garden together…there are many ways to be together where you end up feeling closer.

Even if your partner is inwardly focused much of the time (as is my husband), if you have enough meaningful time scheduled to pay attention to each other and communicate your appreciation and love for each other, you will still probably have a loving, fulfilling relationship.

But if the ADHD partner does not have the ADHD symptoms well managed, is often ‘escaping’ from the demands of the non-ADHD partner or resistant/defiant, and the non-ADHD partner feels lonely and abandoned, then you have the combination that starts getting the non-ADHD partner resentfully describing the ADHD partner as ‘narcissistic.’  Unmanaged ADHD symptoms, plus ADHD self-orientation, is a bad combination.

What to Do

As with many things about ADHD, it’s helpful to understand what’s going on.  Depersonalizing the ‘self-orientation’ of an ADHD partner often provides a path for the other partner to be more empathetic.  That empathy, in turn, can lead to working together to vastly improve your situation.

The bottom line is this – this is an explanation, but not an excuse.  For a relationship to be successful, both partners must understand they are loved…having a brain that is noisy and fast doesn’t give the ADHD partner permission to be so self-oriented that he or she ignores their partner.  Rather, it means ADHD adults and their partners must be particularly vigilant about creating attend time.  Here are some simple approaches that can make a big difference:

As a couple, create a way to let the ADHD partner know you are feeling ‘left out’ or that you would like more attention that doesn’t feel like a criticism.  "I'm feeling a bit lonely" is better than "you're not paying enough attention to me"
Schedule blocks of ‘attend time’ – DON’T leave this to chance or wait for it to just happen – it won’t.  Make sure you have at least one block of several hours at least once a week
Improve your self-intimacy skills.  It’s particularly helpful when ADHD partners learn to better express what is going on in their head, helping their partners feel less left out (for more on this, see my course on Recovering Intimacy)
Make sure ADHD treatment is optimized – see my online treatment guide for information on this

Remember, being self-oriented in order to tame the ADHD brain is not the same thing as being narcissistic.  Once you understand the difference, the two of you can change the hurtful dynamic you've had in the past and reinforce your love for each other.  If your relationship has other significant problems that interfere with feeling loved (and it may!) please don't despair!  Consider taking my live couple's course that I give by phone three times a year.  In it you will get to ask me all of your questions about your own relationship, learn a TON of information about how to effectively improve your relationship, find out the latest on treating ADHD, and more.  It's a great resource that has helped many, many couples.

Tips for Supporting Adult Children with ADHD

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 09/07/2016.

ADHD is highly heritable, which means you may well have children with ADHD.  As they age, how to support them becomes less clear, as parents need to let go of the organizing support they provided their ADHD child when younger, and embrace something new.  Here are tips for parents of adult children who wish to keep their relationships strong.

This post was inspired by a reader who wrote me earlier this year about her children – both of whom were diagnosed with ADHD as adults. She noted, with some regret, the “cost of high expectations” she and her partner had had for their children.  “…there was a price to pay in the way they were raised...high academic expectations, expectations for college, etc. And for my son it was tough going through 4yrs in a business school with a lot of super charged, high testosterone type A's - many who have now gone on to super charged careers.

So they now tell me they have anxiety. Who can blame them? Add my own very perceivable angst in fretting over their academic performance until I found out about the ADD, and you can see where it all came from.” 

Aside from learning more about ADHD, what can you do to support your adult children with ADHD?

First, don't beat yourself up.  If this woman had known about her children’s ADHD, it’s unlikely she would have spent so much time pushing them through their school struggles.  But she didn’t know.  Her best bet now is to acknowledge she would have done it differently – embracing the ‘otherness’ of her kids – and then move on to what’s relevant today.

Acknowledge that anxiety and ADHD often go hand-in-hand – and that may not be comfortable, but it is ‘okay.’  Anxiety is a common co-existing condition for those with ADHD, for just the reason that this woman mentions - there is an increased likelihood of struggling and/or making mistakes when you have ADHD relative to the 'norm' of being efficient and having things come more easily.  This struggle leads those with (diagnosed or undiagnosed) ADHD to wonder if they will embarrass themselves or fail in a way that will lead others to judge them.  This is a reasonable question, as during childhood, this is exactly what happens to most kids with ADHD - teachers, parents, friends all judge behaviors that stray from the 'norm.'  Further, those with ADHD often get blindsided.  They are going along in their own way (and often in their own mind) and don't realize that disaster looms.  Have this happen enough, and you can get pretty skittish and/or anxious (and depressed.)

Those who love adult children with ADHD can experience anxiety, as well, as they observe the struggles their adult kids go through.  Watching a child choose a mate who may not treat them so well, struggle through college, or have trouble putting together an effective job search is painful.  You want to help, but know that at the core you cannot lead as you may have in the past, when your child was younger.

As a parent, your best course of action is to focus on accepting and loving your child for whom he or she is.  That means taking off the 'expectations' blinders, and setting aside some of the traditional paths you may have dreamed your child would follow.  Your child may be very bright, but the ADHD symptoms provide a roadblock to always demonstrating that intelligence at the time, or in the way, that others can best see.  If you, as the parent, are judgmental about the successes or struggles your child faces, then that child has no safe haven to go to where s/he is accepted solely because s/he 'is.'  Everyone needs that, simply to be mentally happy.  (And by judgmental, I mean either 'judging' or simply 'expressing disappointment' rather than being overtly supportive and eager for them to follow their path.)

This does not mean parents should lower their standards.  Expecting that a bright child finish college is different from hoping that s/he will finish in four years, or won't get any bad grades.  Requesting that your child be gainfully employed doesn't mean she has to be a banker or a lawyer, tied to doing many repetitive tasks that don’t fit well with ADHD.  Perhaps she will be an environmental pioneer of some sort and work mostly outside, instead.

I also don't mean you should abandon input, particularly if you see your child heading towards being unsafe (for example, moving towards alcohol or drugs to respond to anxiety or depression.)  I'm simply urging you to think as broadly and supportively as you can, and take a deep breath when tempted to 'push' your adult child with ADHD in a direction with which he will struggle.  You don't have to support hare-brained schemes, certainly, but you don't have to 'push' a child towards 'the norm,' either.

Here are some very tactical suggestions for dealing with anxiety and the challenges of adult ADHD:

Explore mindfulness training - the ability to be more aware of the feelings that are inside you, and to choose whether or not to engage with them or simply observe them and let them pass, can be exceptionally helpful for both parents and those with ADHD.  As an example, when an event makes you anxious, mindfulness training can help you observe that you are starting to feel anxiety and then make the decisions to self-calm
Encourage the ADHD person to fully optimize treatment for ADHD.  For more information on this, go to my online treatment guide - make sure to download the free chapters from Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD.
Create time to be together to simply celebrate your child and show him/her that you are engaged with what they are doing and that you love them unconditionally
Consider journaling to explore letting go of any long-held expectations you might have had about what your child should do professionally (for example "I've always thought you should be a doctor" even as that child struggles mightily in school.)
Stay engaged, and in the most positive way possible.  Do fun things together, celebrate your child's talents, etc.  Life can be one tangle after another for those with ADHD and it is a real gift when parents just 'let loose' and enjoy the moment with them.
Remind yourself regularly about all that is wonderful about your child (to stave off the urge to criticize, if you have it).  Some do this with gratitude journals, which I find a very effective tool for staying on the positive side when life is throwing you lemons.

ADHD, Bipolar, or Both? What You Need to Know

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 08/19/2016.ADHD Marriage: Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD

A recent article in ADDitude Magazine reminded me that about 20% of people with ADHD will develop Bipolar and about 70% of people with Bipolar also have ADHD.  Wow!  This is a huge overlap, and it’s important to know the characteristics of each, so that you can get treatment right.

It’s easy to confuse ADHD and Bipolar, as both conditions include symptoms commonly associated with ADHD. 

According to Roberto Olivardia, Ph.D., both conditions “include impulsivity, irritability, hyperactivity, emotional dysregulation, sleep problems, a racing brain, and problems with maintaining attention.”  Sounds pretty familiar to anyone who has been diagnosed with ADHD or has a spouse with ADHD.  And lots of docs get these two confused, as well...in part because Bipolar issues might not show up until adutlhood.

However, Bipolar has some very specific characteristics that ADHD does not – depressive and manic ‘episodes.’  Episodic depression is not the same thing as being generally depressed, which many people with ADHD can be.  Various studies put depression as a co-existing condition for those with ADHD at between 16-31% currently, with a lifetime incidence of a bit more than 50% of those with ADHD being depressed at some point or another.  ADHD depression is something that relates to what is going on in your life…you move into it slowly and resolve it slowly.  Bipolar depressive episodes, on the other hand, come and go periodically (perhaps several days of feeling really down) and come regardless of what is going on around you (i.e. not simply related to really depressing stuff happening to you.)  Depressive episodes with Bipolar might also be identified by the depth of stark contrast of the depression vs. other times in the person’s life.

Manic episodes are identifiable by the severity and speed with which they come upon you, with no apparent reason.  This isn’t being elated because you just got engaged…this is being driven to do things (often hyperactively) that you normally wouldn’t have a desire to do…being super charged and, again, not in relationship to what is going on around you.

Treatment and More Information

One of the reasons to be aware of the differences between Bipolar and ADHD is that the treatments for ADHD can make Bipolar worse…so best to get the right diagnosis first time around.  (This is one reason to get a full evaluation, not a cursory 10 minute interview with your primary care provider if at all possible.)

If this sounds familiar, it’s time to learn more.  These resources could help:

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/2511.html

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd-web/article/4861.html

And, when it is finally published online, the Olivardia article is worth reading, as well:  Solving the ADHD-Bipolar Puzzle in the Fall, 2016 issue of ADDitude Magazine.

ADHD and Fighting Stereotypes

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 07/25/2016.ADHD Marriage: Negotiation and Setting Boundaries

When I work with couples impacted by ADHD I often see an unintentional bias towards using the label of ADHD as a negative descriptor, rather than as a medical term that enables treatment and describes a particular way of being.  This negative labeling - used by both partners - hurts relationships. as it may lead to blaming the ADHD partner for ALL relationships issues, while providing too easy an out for non-ADHD partners who also play a role in relationship issues.

ADHD partners are often quite sensitive to the use of the label of ADHD as a result.  This is easy to understand, and I've written a recent post on the topic at psychologytoday.com which I urge you to read.  But more importantly for this adhdmarriage blog, what can you do to lessen the potential damage of stereotyping and labeling in your ADHD-impacted relationship besides the obvious - not using the label for anything beyond a medical descriptor?

Let me tackle that here with three immediately actionable ideas:

Be aware that every person has the right to change his or her mind.  Try not to critique ADHD partners who do so, or feel that they are untrustworthy.  If you are the ADHD partner, be open about why you changed your mind...and honest with yourself.  If you 'just didn't get around to it' or ran out of time, then the decision to do something differently isn't about changing your mind, it's about an ADHD symptom that isn't managed as well as it could be.  Look at what happened and learn from patterns you see.  Take action to become more reliable.

Challenge all ADHD stereotypes with knowledge about ADHD from reputable sources.  Yes, there are symptoms that describe the condition that probably mean someone with ADHD will make more than his or her fair share of mistakes.  But not completing something does not need to translate into 'you are stupid or lazy'.  It could me you have trouble staying on task.  Learn what others with ADHD have done to deal with that particular symptomatic behavior.  If you are a non-ADHD partner, exercise flexibility and patience as your partner searches for coping strategies that work.

Engage!  Adults with ADHD cannot easily fight these stereotypes unless they actively try to manage their ADHD.  You probably won't get things to be perfect, but just the act of genuinely applying oneself to address ADHD is enough for most non-ADHD partners.  You will make progress, and your effort to do so tells your partner you care.  Engaging means treating ADHD and its impact on your relationship very seriously.  It DOES make a difference...and you can, too, by acknowledging this and doing all you can to improve your own ADHD-impacted actions.

The Negatives of ADHD

I can hear non-ADHD partners groaning as I write this, saying something like "but the ADHD symptoms really ARE negative!  It IS a negative label!"  Yes, ADHD has a serious, and often negative impact in the lives of couples.  But my point is simply this - creating a stereotyped label that only looks at the negatives of ADHD does not do justice to the adult who has it - there is much more to that person than just the fact that s/he has ADHD.  If the ADHD adult buys into the negative label then s/he can lose hope.  If that adult fights the negativity of the label by denying ADHD can be a major problem, then active treatment is ignored.  So focusing on the label and the symptoms of ADHD may be expedient, but it hurts in many ways...it obscures the good of the person who has it.  The person who is caring, thoughtful, creative, energetic...or whatever those characteristics are OTHER than ADHD that you love.  Too much "ADHD" focus and you lose touch with the positive.  This is why I encourage couples to try to do fun and challenging things together - everyone needs to be reminded of the positive to counteract their troubles.

Tune Out?

ADHD & Marriage Weekly Tip - October 6, 2016



Quote of the Week

“My very savvy mother-in-law (gave me) advice on my wedding day.  “In every good marriage,” she counseled, “it helps sometimes to be a little deaf.”  I have followed that advice assiduously (in my marriage and on the Supreme Court)…When a thoughtless or unkind word is spoken, best tune out.  Reacting in anger or annoyance will not advance one’s ability to persuade.”

-Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, NYT 10/1/16

Tune Out?

With all due respect to Justice Ginsberg, “tuning out” is great advice when your relationship is stable…but awful advice when ADHD symptoms are present, but not being managed.  Doing so means that the ADHD partner will remain unaware of the pain that these symptoms are causing.

But Justice Ginsberg’s overarching idea – that responding in kind to thoughtless or unkind words does not advance your cause – is spot on.  This is the struggle that many couples impacted by ADHD get into – symptoms wreak havoc without the ADHD partner being aware of it and common responses by the non-ADHD partner (such as frustration, anger, feeling lonely and insecure, nagging and more) compound the problem.

It’s hard to get out of this cycle, but there are ways to do it, and the first is to understand symptom/response/response.  I talk about this in my couples phone seminar (next session starts October 13) and in my books.  It’s too long to put more here, but if you find you are ‘hurting your own cause’ and your partner is becoming more and more defensive or remote, I urge you to look into these resources.

 

Starting Next week, October 13: If you are struggling with your partner, consider taking my live, given by phone, ADHD Effect In-Depth couples seminar.  I don’t suggest this to have you spend more money…but rather because it is a unique and excellent resource for changing your relationship for the better…and creating the joy you thought you had lost. Please take a moment to read the testimonials there - it really does change lives for the better!

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October 13, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

© 2016 Melissa Orlov

Like a Dog

ADHD & Marriage Weekly Tip - October 11, 2016



Quote of the Week

Q:  “But why should I praise him like he’s a golden retriever for things he should be doing in the first place?”

A:  It is not about bolstering a mate’s ego but about establishing an atmosphere of kindness and respect, which is ultimately a more fertile ground for affecting change.”

- Jancee Dunn and Gary Chapman

Like a Dog

I hear this ‘why should I praise him for things he’s supposed to be doing?’ question all the time!  And my answer is ‘because you can.’  And because many things our partner’s take on are harder for them than we might imagine.

It’s harder for a person with ADHD to get organized, stay on task, plan something, or remember something than many without ADHD understand.  To ‘do the things he was supposed to be doing’ takes considerable effort – for which one should get credit.

The same goes in the other direction, too.  It’s far harder to manage the anxiety, frustration and fear that living in a state of chaos over which you have little control induces (aka living with a partner with ADHD.)  Non-ADHD partners who learn how to manage these feelings (and nagging, anger and more) should be thanked and acknowledged.

Really, it’s all about creating that atmosphere of observation and respect.  You both deserve that.

Have you acknowledged your partner for his or her effort lately?

 

Starting in 2 Days: REGISTER NOW FOR THE ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples Seminar THAT STARTS OCTOBER 13.  Go to this page for all the details. "I am the ADHD partner (and) I am not a novice to self-help and professional modalities. Your course is the best thing I have ever encountered for actual hands on non-judgmental tools for understanding, saving, and renewing relationship with ADHD. Your presentation is superb."

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October 13, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.

 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

© 2016 Melissa Orlov

Pooh Love

ADHD & Marriage Weekly Tip - October 18, 2016



Quote of the Week

“Some people care too much.  I think it’s called love.”

- A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Pooh Love

Is there such a thing as caring to much?  I think the answer is ‘yes...’  I think you are caring too much when ‘doing for others’ (or caring for others) makes you lose your own self in your relationship(s).  When your purpose becomes all about ‘them’ and not about ‘you.’  When the things you used to love about yourself are buried under a laundry list of ‘to dos’ and ‘must dos.’

Sadly, I see a lot of partners (both men and, even more often, women) lose themselves in relationships in which ADHD went undiagnosed for some time.  In an effort to figure out how to ‘fix’ something that didn’t originate with themselves, non-ADHD partners can ‘adjust and adjust’ until there is little left of them.  Yet this approach simply doesn’t work.  It’s not until both partners know how ADHD – and responses to ADHD – are impacting their relationship that they can start to thrive again.

And, part of that thriving?  Learning how NOT to lose yourself in your relationship but, rather, care enough about yourself to remember what you love most about you.  Healthy relationships are about caring about yourself enough so that you don’t fall into the trap of ‘caring too much’ about others that you forget yourself.

 

New - Starting This Week: ADHD and Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups Each session is 10 weeks, meets once a week via phone and limited to 12 people.

ADHD Partner Group - Thursdays at 9am Pacific time (12pm eastern time), starts October 20.

Non-ADHD Partner Group - Fridays at 9am Pacific time (12pm eastern time), starts October 21.

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The live session started last week. If you wish a reminder when registration for the Q1 couples seminar begins, contact Melissa.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

© 2016 Melissa Orlov

Perfectionists

ADHD & Marriage Weekly Tip - September 29, 2016



Quote of the Week

“Perfectionists set goals that are impossible – and if they somehow manage to achieve a goal, they assume that goal must be worthless and they set another, even more impossible goal.  Which puts them in a state of perpetual dissatisfaction.”

- Emily Nagoski

Perfectionists

There is so much truth in what Nagoski writes that it’s almost impossible to figure out how to keep up my normally high standards and write the perfect, pithy marriage tip about it…

Oh, wait!!!

P.S.  (I hope you understand this is meant to be humorous!  I like my marriage tips and hope you enjoy them, but I am no perfectionist!)

 

October is ADHD Awareness Month - REPAIR YOUR MARRIAGE AND THRIVE! 

Join me October 13 for the start of my very popular The ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar; October 2 for the free TADD Talks; October 7 in the free online ADHD Awareness Expo.

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October 13 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.

 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

© 2016 Melissa Orlov

Emotionally Present

ADHD & Marriage Weekly Tip - September 21, 2016



Quote of the Week

“When you understand your own emotions and triggers, you can learn to be present in difficult situations and not let your emotions control you.  This allows you to have a better ability to try to understand what other people are experiencing, which brings you deeper intimacy, trust, and love.”

- Lewis Howes, author of The School of Greatness

Emotionally Present

In my Rebuilding Intimacy in Your Relationship self-study course I talk about the idea of ‘self-intimacy,’ or (put another way) learning how to recognize and label your own emotions.  This is the basic building block of all other types of intimacy.  If you recognize and understand your own feelings and emotions, you are better equipped to address them constructively – perhaps engaging to heal them or, at other times, NOT engaging, but letting them pass by.  In addition, it is helpful to your partner in understanding how best to respond to you.  Saying “I’m mad” isn’t nearly as helpful to your partner as being more specific and saying “I’m feeling unprepared, embarrassed, and resentful.”

Further, being able to accurately assess your own feelings does, over time, make you more able to appreciate similar feelings in your partner when he or she shares them with you.

Are you self-intimate?

 

October is ADHD Awareness Month: REPAIR YOUR MARRIAGE AND LEARN TO THRIVE! Join me in The ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar which begins October 13th, and in the free online ADHD Awareness Expo October 2-8.

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October 13, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.

 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

© 2016 Melissa Orlov

Stress in Your Life

ADHD & Marriage Weekly Tip - September 14, 2016



Quote of the Week

“When stress goes up, cognitive ability goes down.”

- Jerome Schultz, Ph.D. in ADDitude Magazine

Stress in Your Life

You may not be aware of this, but stress has a huge impact on the expression of ADHD symptoms.  The more stress, the worse ADHD gets.  Sleep deprivation also makes symptoms worse.  In fact, increased stress impacts everyone, not just those with ADHD.

This has some implications for couples:

If at all possible, get a good ADHD treatment plan in place before having kids.  Sleepless nights and the stress of learning new routines tends to make ADHD symptoms worse after the birth of a child.  A good treatment plan can help you stay on top of this (NOTE: if you are a woman, don’t take ADHD meds during pregnancy!)
Let your partner know if you are under more stress than usual. It can help him or her be more empathetic to changes they may see in your mood or mindset and may encourage them to respond positively to your need for time to de-stress.
Though many with ADHD have sleep-related problems, it’s still important to create a good sleep routine.  Experiment with ‘sleep hygiene’ techniques to make sure lack of sleep isn’t a factor in your relationship.  Non-ADHD partners should make sleep a top priority, too – ABOVE ‘getting things done.’
Make stress-reducing activities a part of your everyday lives.  Meditation, mindfulness, taking breaks, walking and all forms of aerobic exercise are all known to reduce stress.

 

The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts October 13th! "Thank you for such a life-changing seminar. It was the best and most effective money and time we ever spent."

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October 13, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.

 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

 - Please follow us for tips and resources.

© 2016 Melissa Orlov