Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 65
February 14, 2016
Happiness
Quote of the Week
“…for Americans, “desperately wanting to be happy is linked with lower psychological health.” (“in collectivist societies, happiness is linked with social endeavors…spending time with (others)…in the US, chasing the best career, buying stuff are expected to lead to happiness”)”
-From a study recently published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General
Happiness
Americans have an interesting approach to pursuing happiness – chasing the best career, buying televisions no matter how little money we have, going on ‘retail therapy’ jaunts and the like. Yet repeated research studies demonstrate that beyond a certain income (about $75,000 a year per household) having more money, and what it can buy, are not correlated with increases in happiness.
In my work, what correlates with improvements in happiness have to do with our relationships – with partners, family and friends. As I look back on my own marital and family history, I wish I had spent less time organizing and more time simply focusing on creating joy with those I love.
If that feels impossible to you because you are struggling so much with your partner, I suggest you consider taking my live ADHD Effect In-Depth couples seminar given by phone, starting in October or as a self-study course. I don’t suggest this to have you spend more money…but rather because it is a unique and excellent resource for changing your relationship for the better…and creating the joy you thought you had lost. Please take a moment to read the testimonials here - it really does change lives for the better!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Live session starts October 2016 and self-study available for download if you can't wait that long - this 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship and Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship - a 7-session self-study seminar will get you going with critical information, tools and weekly exercises to regain your closeness, dreams, friendship…and yes, improve your love life!
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
-Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
The Label of ADHD
Quote of the Week
“I believe that when a student does not understand his or her condition (in other words, his or her label), this can lead to a self-assigned label: “I have ADHD. I can’t focus well enough to do math. I’m stupid.” This is more disabling than the terms ADHD or LD. My work in schools supports my view that stereotype threat, and the stress it causes, can be countered with positive self-attributions related to the disability label.”
- Jerome Schultz, ph.D. in ADDitude Magazine
The Label of ADHD
Schultz brings up a critically important point – the stereotypes we attach to the label of “ADHD” can be crippling. We stuff a great person into a negative box and pretty soon everyone believes the negative stereotypes, including the person with the ADHD.
It’s important for everyone to separate out the symptoms of ADHD from the person who has the ADHD. The symptoms simply produce an overlay of behaviors that can be changed and managed, usually pretty well. But management takes effort, and effort is hard to sustain when you are discouraged or have low self-esteem.
Not only that, but focusing on the negatives means you often miss the positives that are right in front of you. A distracted person might be wildly creative, for example…who says she has to conform to all the rules?
Do you put yourself or someone you love into an ADHD ‘box?’
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. A self-study version is available for those who can't wait that long.
Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship is available as a self study course.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
From Our Own Vantage Point
Quote of the Week
“I give feedback; you’re critical. I’m firm; you’re stubborn. I’m flexible; you’re wishy-washy. I’m in touch with my feelings; you’re hysterical!”
- Steven Stosny (taken from Dr. Jessica Higgin’s blog)
From Our Own Vantage Point
Isn’t it amazing how we so fully understand and forgive our own behaviors and motivations, while those same behaviors in our partners are simply unacceptable?! I laughed when I read Stosny’s quote, and hope that it brings you a moment of pleasure…and reflection.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. A self-study version is available for those who can't wait that long.
Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship is available as a self study course.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
- Please follow us for tips and advice.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
Forgive and Forget?
Quote of the Week
“…forgiveness and remembering go hand in hand, because a crime must be remembered to be repented…Forgive and forget is a formula powerfully skewed in favor of the offender.”
- Bernard Powers, professor of history at the College of Charleston, as quoted in Time
Forgive and Forget?
Lots of times the partner who had the affair, or lied about secretly taking out a second mortgage, or…whatever…is all for the idea of ‘forgive and forget.’ This minimizes the impact on the betrayer, while placing the burden of healing on the betrayed.
But this approach can lengthen the healing process and hurt the person who has been betrayed. An effective way to heal from a betrayal is to be able to ask questions, and interact with the betraying partner around the event. Once betrayed, your world is tipped upside down. It takes reassurance and connection (and time) to right it again. The ‘forget’ part of ‘forgive and forget’ gets in the way of that.
So if you are a betrayer, stay engaged with your partner as constructively and patiently as long as s/he heals. Answer questions honestly and openly. Hug, hold and reassure. Eliminate the betraying behavior. Eventually, though it’s likely you’ll both never actually forget, you can end up with something better…”forgive, heal and move on.”
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship is available as a self study course.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
Greatness
Quote of the Week
“Greatness is making the most of the gifts and talents you were born with to achieve your dreams, and creating the maximum impact on the people in your world with those talents. It looks different for every person, though. There are a million ways to be great.”
- Lewis Howes, author of The School of Greatness
Greatness
We are all born with gifts and talents of one sort or another. I like this definition of greatness. It’s not about accomplishments (getting into Harvard; making a million dollars) – it’s about achieving your own dreams…whatever they are. Maybe that’s making the most interesting chamber music; raising happy, confident children; building a community garden where none existed before. These all are forms of ‘greatness’ and each and every one of us has the right to define what ‘great’ is for us.
When couples struggle they often lose track of their dreams, gifts and talents. Have you lost sight of yours? And what might you do to get back on track to finding your own personal greatness?
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Please also review my Relationship Self Study course.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
The Grass Is Greener…
Quote of the Week
“The grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.”
-Lisa Arends, author of “Lessons from the End of a Marriage”
The Grass Is Greener…
I don't have to interpret this one much. If you are thinking that having an emotional or physical affair, take this quote to heart. Unless you fix the underlying issues that you, yourself contribute to your relationship, you are likely to repeat your mistakes again in the ‘greener pastures’ of your future relationship.
So why not focus on ‘watering’ the grass you already have? Nurture your partnership with the energy, passion and positive spirit you are considering expending on an affair partner and amazing things might well happen.
Do you want to improve your romantic connection, share feelings, increase desire and avoid aggression and defensiveness? Who doesn't?! My new self-study course was created for just these reasons.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
I Choose Grateful
Quote of the Week
“…try as I might to avoid heartache, life will continue to have its way with me. To be human is to hurt, to worry, to wonder, to suffer, to stare at the ceiling at three a.m.
And yet, if there’s one more thing I know for sure, it’s this: whatever is happening in this moment is already in the process of turning into something else. Change is continual, and for that I can be either fearful or grateful. Today, I choose grateful.”
-Katrina Kenison
I Choose Grateful
If there is one thing I know for sure, it is that life is unpredictable. You simply cannot know what might be coming next. You can worry about that, or you can embrace it.
I thought this quote was a wonderful way to think about this concept. Thinking about change as continual, rather than something that comes in laborious spurts, is really helpful. Even if I am feeling ‘stuck,’ the reality is that the next moment, day, week or year will never be exactly like a similar time in our past.
And so the question becomes, where do I go?
For that, I am grateful. Each moment, in this mindset, becomes an opportunity to learn. An opportunity to take that change – right at that instant – and go somewhere with it…maybe even somewhere good! Each day becomes an opportunity for meaning. And each moment becomes an opportunity for happiness. I can choose to move that way – in really small and painless increments – if change is continual.
Introducing: My new self-study course, created to help you and your partner improve your romantic connection, share feelings, increase desire and avoid aggression and defensiveness.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
Becoming a Monster
Quote of the Week
“Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one.”
-Friederich Nietzsche
Becoming a Monster
I was a monster once. (Longer than ‘once,’ actually!) The monster I was fighting was my ADHD husband’s inattentiveness. The less attention he paid me, the more I pursued, intruded and yelled to get any scrap of focus he could muster. Over time, I simply became pretty mean.
I see this happen all the time. The ‘monster’ might be ADHD symptomatic behaviors, controlling behavior, yelling, insults or any other of a score of bad behaviors in your relationship. And as we fight these bad behaviors, we can easily start to ‘fight back’ with similarly awful responses.
Instead, challenge yourself to NOT fight the monsters by becoming a monster yourself, but by becoming your best person and trying hard to enlist your partner to do the same. Together, you can eliminate the monsters, rather than fight them. This takes TWO to do, but is your best hope for successful change.
I recommend that you start by identifying times when your own behaviors are monsters in your relationship.
Introducing: My new self-study course, created to help you and your partner improve your romantic connection, share feelings, increase desire and avoid aggression and defensiveness.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
The Negative Dominates
Quote of the Week
“Bad emotions, bad parents, and bad feedback have more impact than good ones, and bad information is processed more thoroughly than good. The self is more motivated to avoid bad self-definitions than to pursue good ones. Bad impressions and bad stereotypes are quicker to form and more resistant to disconfirmation than good ones.”
-from a paper, ‘Bad is Stronger than Good,’ as cited by Nobel Prize winner (economics), Daniel Kahneman, in Thinking Fast and Slow
The Negative Dominates
Sadly, this idea rings very true. Think about how long bad feelings last and how hard they are to shake. Now, think about how quickly great feelings dissipate and how fragile they are when confronted by something negative.
But I refuse to let my life be dominated by the fact that, for reasons of biological survival that are no longer really relevant for me, the negative dominates. Instead, I seek to do the hard work to dispel bad feelings, and replace them with good ones at every opportunity. Mindfulness really helps with this – consciously looking for and celebrating the small (and large) positive things in my life. Slowing down the tempo of my life helps, too. When I’m not stressed by being hurried, I’m much more likely to remain in a positive state of mind (the same is true of my husband, despite his love of stimulation…! It’s a real fight for him to slow down, but he always benefits when he does.) Less bad stuff happens to you when you take your time to savor things a bit.
Writing is also helpful when I try to shake the negative. I can explore the bad things that have happened and, in so doing, make it less powerful. When I write, I am able to seek out ‘good self-definitions’ by exploring what makes life positive. (Now you know one of the reasons I enjoy writing these tips – it’s therapeutic!)
Can you think of some tactics you might use to fight the power of the negative?
Want to receive ADHD tips for couples more frequently? LIKE my new ADHDMarriage Facebook Page.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
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In the Mirror
Quote of the Week
"Beauty is in the mirror you look at everyday. Enjoy your being. ”Every day mirrors the act of creation. Each morning you have to get up and create all over again. The building is never done.”
--Fortune cookie
In the Mirror
I’ve had a lot of crazy fortunes in cookies over the years…loved this one, though. Because, like most women, I don’t look in the mirror and immediately think about how beautiful I am, either physically or psychologically. This fortune reminds me to think about both.
Because the reality is we are – ALL of us – beautiful in some way. Our challenge is simply to recognize that beauty…and then celebrate it.
In what way are you beautiful? And your partner?
Announcing: The ADHD & Marriage Facebook Page. Please LIKE it! Tips, advice and strategies will now come to you more frequently.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts in October - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
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