Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 66
February 14, 2016
Just Thoughts
Quote of the Week
“While we are not trying to control our thoughts – we are cultivating an important insight: thoughts are not the world – thoughts are just thoughts.”
-From a mindfulness training seminar
Just Thoughts
I don’t know about you, but I spend a lot of time thinking about what might happen in the future, or chewing over what did happen, trying to figure out how I feel about a past event. But here’s the rub. Just because I think something, that does not mean it’s real… or right. And neither are your own thoughts. Don’t believe me? Think about your partner. Is there something your partner thinks or feels (perhaps about you) that you think is completely inaccurate? Does the fact that he or she believes it make it real?
Thought not!
So here’s what that means. You shouldn’t believe everything you think. Because you might be just as off base as your partner is. Thoughts are just that…thoughts. Not the world.
That said, we all have a right to our own logic flow, thoughts and feelings. Respecting them is important…just don’t equate thoughts with reality. Sometimes it’s best to just accept the thought and move on.
Starting Monday - The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th!
"Your course is superb; it is so redolent of experience and wisdom, grounded in solid scientific concepts and all delivered with such warmth and clarity…Many thanks and much respect to you."
I get many comments like this one (see more at the bottom of my seminar page). Not every couple succeeds in my course...but a huge number do...often surprising themselves in the process. Please consider registering for the upcoming session that starts this coming Monday, April 4th at 8:30pm eastern time. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
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Changing the Direction of the Wind
Quote of the Week
“We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can sure change the direction of our sails.”
-Reader, Michelle Lorusse, in Oprah Magazine
Changing the Direction of the Wind
‘Don’t try harder, try differently.’ This is what I tell couples struggling with ADHD. In order to move forward, you need to do things in a new way – one that is known to work for adults with ADHD and their partners. Or, if you wish, change the direction of your sails. Otherwise, you are just trying to head into the wind rather than harness it to power you forward.
This ‘trying differently’ is all about doing things better…even if it seems as if you aren’t going at things quite as directly. But that’s okay…with the speed that your new sail direction provides, you’ll get to your goal sooner than if you simply continue to head directly into the wind.
The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th! "This course helped my husband and me tremendously. For the first time we didn't feel that either one of us was to blame. That allowed us to finally let go of some anger and start working on getting better. Without this first step I don't think improvement would be possible."
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
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Recovering from Depression
Quote of the Week
“The groups ranged from support groups for patients recovering from heart surgery in Norway to students in secondary schools in Australia. As we reported earlier this year, the common finding across all studies was that the more someone identified with a group, the less severe his or her depression symptoms were. Thus, a sense of connection to a group, rather than just contact with individuals, is what protects mental health.”
-Tegan Cruwys, S. Alexander Haslam, and Genevieve Dingle in Scientific American Mind
Recovering from Depression
People who are depressed often seem to hide themselves away and disconnect from others. This study (and others) suggests that identifying with a group and making connections is critical to mental health. ‘Connection’ is what Ned Hallowell calls ‘the other Vitamin C’ and for good reason!
In line with Dr. Hallowell’s idea, this research also suggested that simply ‘attending’ a group did not significantly lower depression. It was the feelings of connection with the group that made the difference.
So if you are currently depressed, think about what group you might be able to join and become invested in…and things may well start looking up.
The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th! "Just a note to say we're still thriving several months after your class! :-)"
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
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Be a Good Friend to Get One
Quote of the Week
“Would you keep hanging out with somebody who just criticizes you and grunts when he runs into you on the way to the bathroom? No way. You’re looking for a person who wants to laugh, talk about interesting things, share stories, and grow…if you want to have a good friend, you have to be a good friend.”
-Dr. Phil
Be a Good Friend to Get One
Here’s a common theme in couples counseling:
Partner 1: I want my partner to be nice to me, but it’s okay if I express my frustration by raising my voice and getting upset.
Partner 2: Until my partner is nice to me I have every right to fight back…
Hold on!
We are all responsible for ‘contributing our best selves’ to our relationship. That means being respectful, thoughtful, loving and the like – being whomever you are when you are at your best. And an interesting thing starts to happen when we succeed – our partner is more likely to wish to be with us. It’s so much better to be with someone who ‘wants to laugh, talk about interesting things, share stories and grow…” as Dr. Phil suggests.
I am NOT suggesting you ‘fake it.’ One of the harder times in my own relationship came when I decided to be ‘really, really nice’ to my partner to see what would happen. His life got much better (I was no longer after him) but mine didn’t change at all (he still ignored me). By the end of the experiment I was even madder than before!
So this is joint work that both of you do. To get a friend…be a friend. What could you do that would make you friendlier?
The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th! "Thank you for such a life-changing seminar. It was the best and most effective money and time we ever spent."
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
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Fun
Quote of the Week
“Fun isn’t an activity; it’s the result of our willingness to be open. Fun is about spontaneity. It finds us when it wants to, and our job is to be ready.”
-Thelma Adams
Fun
Ever felt too cranky to have fun? That’s being ‘closed’ rather than open, and we’ve all been there!
It turns out that research suggests that one of the reasons optimists get more opportunities in life isn’t because more opportunities come their way, but rather that when they do, optimists are ‘open’ to considering them.
The same thing happens with fun. Fun, exciting, new and interesting things happen all the time if we are just open to trying them and willing to do something different.
I find that one way to be more open is to try to keep myself in a positive mindset, even when things are difficult. I do this with gratitude exercises and taking time to look around me, both figuratively and literally. I make a concerted effort to say ‘yes’ when something new and interesting comes my way, just to try it out. Lots of times it turns out to be fun (or interesting, at least!) and sometimes it’s a total flop…at which point I try to laugh and figure I’ve learned something I didn’t know before.
How might you be able to be more open to fun and what’s already around you?
The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th! "Your class had life-changing effects on our marriage. Thank you!"
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
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February 5, 2016
ADHD Adults: Staying Healthy When Recovering from Alcohol Addiction
Depending upon the research study, between 21% and 53% of adults with ADHD will experience alcohol dependence or abuse at some point in their lifetime. And, turning it around, it’s been estimated that 25 percent of adults receiving treatment for alcohol and other drug abuse have also been diagnosed with ADHD, which leads experts to believe that there’s an important link between ADHD symptoms, ADHD treatment, and substance abuse.
Because the healing that comes with recovery often clears your mind and gives you a new perspective on life, it’s possible that you hadn’t even noticed you suffer the signs of ADHD until now. It’s common for the effects of substance abuse to mask the symptoms of ADHD and other disorders, but a late diagnosis is better than none at all.
Whether you’re new to overcoming ADHD or have been living with it long before your recovery journey, there’s a few things you should keep in mind for staying healthy and happy when you’re dealing with recovery and ADHD at the same time.
Get Proper Treatment
You must be honest with your doctor or therapist about your past with substance abuse so they’ll be able to help you the best they can. Your past with addiction can affect what type of ADHD medication is safe for you to use, so be prepared to lay it all out on the table.
Not only should you be honest when answering your doctor’s questions, but you should be prepared to ask them questions as well. Knowing what to ask your doctor and what you’re looking for in the treatment process will help you figure out whether or not you’re a good match for each other.
Focus on the Good
Immersing yourself in your career and your hobbies will keep you focused on what’s meaningful in your life. Setting aside time to explore your interests is one of the best things you can do for yourself during recovery. Consider alternative methods for relieving stress and finding a calm and quiet focus.
Spending time with friends and family is another top priority for those in recovery. Surrounding yourself with those you love and spending time doing what you love most are the two best ways to ensure you’re focusing on what’s good in your life.
Find Compassion Within Yourself
Remember to be patient with yourself on your road to recovery. It won’t always be easy, but knowing that you’re only doing your best will bring you peace.
Not only can you exercise compassion for yourself, but you can also benefit from having compassion for others. It may be hard for your loved ones to understand what you’re going through, so try to be patient with them if they’re ever difficult or unhelpful.
If you’re in recovery and also have ADHD, your journey may be completely different from someone who doesn’t suffer from the disorder. Being mindful of your unique situation and staying positive on your journey will keep you looking forward to a healthier tomorrow.
This guest post was contributed by Kathleen Carter, a teen who has been living with Asperger’s Syndrome for as long as she can remember. She strives to educate her peers and others about AS. Recently, she began focusing her efforts on writing proudly about how her experiences differ from other people her age. She is so grateful to have the opportunity to write for EducatorLabs.
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January 20, 2016
How Mindfulness Can Help Deal with Adult ADHD
The study of mindfulness is showing promise for improving the lives of couples impacted by ADHD, and has already been shown to relieve stress and physical pain.
One of the areas in which I think it helps couples impacted by adult ADHD is in learning to notice and accept your emotions rather than let them build on themselves. In other words, if you notice and appreciate both the bodily sensation of your emotions (for example, a tightening of the chest or increased heart rate when you are anxious) and also appreciate the presence of the emotion, without letting either of those things ramp you up further, then you have better control of those emotions.
Author Hugh Byrne will release his book, The Here-and-Now Habit: How Mindfulness Can Help You Break Unhealthy Habits Once and for All in early March…he published a preliminary article on the topic in the December, 2015 issue of Mindfulness Magazine entitled “Are You a Creature of (Bad) Habits?”. Sadly, I cannot link to it online – you have to subscribe to get the full article, but it is well worth reading. He lays out four types of habits (which you can read about at this teaser link) and notes:
“Much of the stress, anxiety, and suffering in our lives comes from not bringing wise attention to our thoughts and beliefs, and treating them as “true.” We get swept up by the stories we tell ourselves.”
Byrne talks about habits of response to difficult feelings – zoning out in response to stress, for example, or (in the case of couples work) perhaps retreating or fighting back.
One of the ways that couples get caught up in the stories we tell ourselves is that we believe that since X bad thing happened to us in the past, it will therefore happen to us again in our future. Once an ADHD partner has shown he is unreliable, for example, he will *sadly” always be unreliable because 'that's just how he is.". Once a non-ADHD partner has developed the habit of nagging to get things done, s/he will always ‘be a nag’ because "she just has to be in control."
These stories are simply not true. Once couples have the right tools in place, they can dramatically change their behaviors, as well as their personal symptom management. I've seen it happen time and time again. People may have basic characteristics (think optimism) but habits and how they respond to others can most often be changed and improved. And one tool for doing so is to learn how to separate out your thoughts from reality…and to be able to accept and move past the emotional sensations that keep you stuck in habits.
I find trying to do this (currently without a specific meditation practice, but through reflection) a good way to overcome the anxieties I sometimes feel about my husband. My anxieties are based upon past behavior, not current, and to be more overtly (mindfully) aware of them means they no longer run my life. Just because I feel anxious does not mean I have to chase down my husband to confront him, for example. (Sometimes I do talk with him about them...but in an observational way - "I'm feeling really anxious right now" rather than connecting my feelings with supposed actions as I used to do "I think you must be doing X that's going to turn out badly for us...") Acknowledging my anxiety and just 'letting it be' helps me stay calm and positive in our relationship, further reinforcing the (very) good relationship we now enjoy, and diminishing the power of my bad memories as time goes on. It’s an important part of healing.
And not only does it heal me, personally, it also heals the relationship. For as I learn to differentiate between my hardest feelings (anxiety, fear of rejection) and the reality of my situation (acceptance, love, with an occasional dose of distraction thrown in - ADHD is on board, after all!) I can be more relaxed in our relationship. This allows my husband, in turn, to also relax more. His experience has changed - I am no longer pursuing him to find out what he has 'done wrong.' Instead, with my lowered levels of anxiety, I can focus on making sure he is aware of all the things I think he does right. A much better place to be!
If you wish to try some of his guided meditations, you can find them on this page at Byrne's website. And I suspect his book will be terrific when it comes out.
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January 14, 2016
Can ADHD Cause Narcissism?
Do you think your ADHD partner is a narcissist? If so, you would not be alone - the question of narcissism comes up regularly - usually asked by non-ADHD partners who believe that their ADHD partner is unfeeling, selfish and self-centered. But while it's easy to label someone who comes across as self-centered as a narcissist, the truth may be a bit more complicated than that.
I write this post after a specific question from a man with ADHD, and a request that I provide him advice to be able to sort out whether or not his issues were ADHD or narcissism. My observation is that people with ADHD are very 'inwardly-focused' - that is, there is a lot going on inside their head, and so they spend a good deal of time there trying to get it under control, or just following the many interesting 'paths' they find there. This leads to ignoring the needs of others around them (i.e. they are so inside themselves that others don't get much attention...) In addition, people with ADHD have a lower ability to read emotional/physical cues from others. These things combined leads to the experience of non-ADHD partners to be one of feeling that their ADHD partner is narcissistic, when in fact what they are is very chronically distracted. The accusations of lack of empathy often come after some period of relationships disintegration...where an ADHD partner may have retreated from his or her partner to avoid conflict or hardened their attitude in response to feeling repeatedly pushed or complained about.
If this describes your own situation, then the way to deal with it is to acknowledge that this inward-focus is a problem/tendency you have, and that your partner's complaints about your being self-centered are based in her (his?) experience of being with you...the complaints are both logical and related to your ADHD, even if the label chosen is incorrect. Once you acknowledge that your partner's experience is poor and stop worrying about the label, then you can address the symptomatic behaviors that create that experience - in this case, being so often inwardly-focused. There are many ways to do this:
better physiological treatment that calms your brain and makes it less important to be looking inward (meds, exercise, fish oil, sleep and meditation or mindfulness are your best bets here)
creating scheduled times to be with your partner and focused on your partner ('attend time' - see my second book, The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD for more on this)
creating the habit of clearing away distractions when your partner tries to communicate particularly important information to you. One tactic for this might be creating a verbal cue together...if it's really important, she can say "I have something important I wish to share, and I would love your full attention to it" or some such...that could be the cue to move away from distractions such as the computer, sit together, and look her in the eye)
improved organizational skills - possibly using a coach to help with this. Though organization isn't directly tied to narcissism, it is often tied to non-ADHD partners feeling their ADHD partners are selfish...i.e. they only think about themselves rather than contribute to taking care of responsibilities. Often lack of follow through for those with ADHD is more related to poor symptom management around organizational skills rather than self-centeredness
The fact that the man writing to me was grappling with the idea of narcissism suggested to me that he may not, in fact, have the issue. Here's and excerpt from the Psychology Today definition of NPD:
"Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves arrogant behavior, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration-all of which must be consistently evident at work and in relationships. People who are narcissistic are frequently described as cocky, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding...Narcissists tend to have high self-esteem. However, narcissism is not the same thing as self-esteem; people who have high self-esteem are often humble, whereas narcissists rarely are. It was once thought that narcissists have high self-esteem on the surface, but deep down they are insecure. However, the latest evidence indicates that narcissists are actually secure or grandiose at both levels." (You can find the full definition at this link.)
While this may not be the case with the man who wrote, my observation is that many with ADHD do, in fact, have self-esteem issues caused by their experiences growing up with ADHD - specifically the criticisms and unpredictable failures they faced due to their symptoms. Few are "secure or grandiose at both levels."
So, can ADHD trigger narcissism? I don't believe so. But the inward-focus and lack of follow through so common to people with ADHD can easily be interpreted as being malevolently self-centered when misunderstood. Follow the ideas I've put in the bullets above, and I hope that complaints about narcissistic behavior may start to melt away.
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December 13, 2015
10 Great Books For Couples Impacted by ADHD
About 15 million adults have ADHD, and they and their partners often experience significant relationship difficulties as a result. The characteristics of ADHD - chronic distraction; poor planning; time management issues; short-term memory issues and more - can make staying happy when you have family and marital responsibilities a challenge. Partner responses to ADHD symptoms also contribute significant stress. However, adult ADHD is manageable by most, and couples that are well educated about how to manage the impact of ADHD can thrive together. Here are my suggestions for books that will help you understand your partnership better, and learn more. And, yes, the first two are my own, as they focus specifically on ADHD and committed partnerships (if you haven't read them yet, you should!)
The ADHD Effect on Marriage, Melissa Orlov – award-winning overview of the issue and what to do about it
The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, Melissa Orlov & Nancie Kohlenberger – another award winner with immediately useable advice
Driven to Distraction, Edward Hallowell & John Ratey – the classic book about ADHD
ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life, Judith Kohlberg & Kathleen Nadeau – very helpful when trying to get out of the ‘chore wars’
Taking Charge of Adult ADHD, Russell Barkley – an engaging and slightly different approach to managing ADHD
The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner – particularly critical for women experiencing chronic anger in response to ADHD symptoms in a partner
Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski – fabulous book for women looking to feel increased sexual desire. One of my favorites!
For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage, Tara Parker-Pope – provides a good context about marriage generally
Codependent No More, Melody Beattie – the classic on how to be more independent of each other
I Love You But I Don't Trust You, Mira Kirschenbaum – for those recovering from affairs, addictions and more
(bonus!) Free download about treating adult ADHD, which can be found here.
November 14, 2015
Best Apps for ADHD
Eric Tivers recently published his view of the 30 best apps for those with ADHD in ADDitude Magazine (go to this link.) I would like to add one more that both my husband and I use very successfully - WorkFlowy. This is a VERY simple outlining program that is really great for capturing and organizing information like 'to do' lists, grocery lists, and presentation outlines. Very flexible, very simple, and it goes across your various devices. Take a look at the article to see if any of the apps might help you be more productive (or get more sleep!)
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