Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 69
August 12, 2015
Judgment
Quote of the Week
“Judging is a form of resistance and can keep negative mental patterns and habits in place. Awareness has a neutralizing, freeing effect.” - Marie Forleo
Judgment
Do you judge your partner? And if so, when you are judging your partner are you thinking negative thoughts? I bet so.
Last summer I took one meditation class – just to see what it was about. As it turned out, the focus was on noticing your thoughts and letting them go by you without judgment. The instructor gave the example of being sideswiped by a child on a bike. “You could react negatively and judge that boy as careless,” the instructor said. “If you did, you might yell at him. Or, you could notice he had grazed you and let the thought pass, going on about your life without the negative interaction.”
That story stayed with me. What would happen if I incorporated that idea into my everyday life? If I replaced my negative judgments with an ability to notice and let go?
And so I have tried to do just that. And the result in my relationship has been dramatic. My husband, who had many years of my judging his actions as difficult and even inadequate, now has a vastly different experience. He now feels accepted in the moment, while also knowing that if something sticks – even though I have tried to let it flow past me – I will try to find a good time to talk with him about it.
I will eventually explore this type of meditation further so I may hone my ability to be at peace with what happens around me. In the meantime, just thinking in this way has smoothed out many of my days.
What would happen if you started letting things flow past you?
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - begins November 10 - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. The seminar consists of four sessions, with an optional fifth session on Recovering from Affairs and Deception. Logistics: I will send you the calling instructions and first session materials about 48 hours in advance of the first session. I recommend blocking out about one hour a week for doing course exercises. Some couples find it useful to schedule an 'appointment' to do this at the same time.
All sessions are recorded so that if you miss a class you can listen to it before the following session. All questions will be answered and shared.
Is it time to recover the intimacy you so cherish?
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Just started on October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Begins November 10 - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
Nothing is Something!
Quote of the Week
“Doing nothing can actually be substantially more rewarding than many of the ‘somethings’ that make up normal life.” - Heidi Wachter
Nothing is Something
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a huge, long list of things they ‘need’ to do. These ‘somethings’ will easily rule our lives, if we let them.
Not too long ago, my husband and I were hiking near San Francisco when he happened to spot a shady bench that overlooked an amazing vista of hills and mountains. We sat down and just held hands. Then my husband, who had not slept long the night before, put his head in my lap and fell asleep.
While I was sitting there I realized that it might be the first time in years when I was sitting down for a stretch of time, and doing absolutely nothing. Not even planning to do anything! Just sitting. With my hands gently on my husband’s chest and head as he breathed in and out.
It felt wonderful.
As I age I look back at all of the ‘somethings’ that have ruled my life – particularly around taking care of children and homes – and realize that my husband and I have not had enough time together ‘doing nothing.’ We should have taken more time for that!
In the future I suspect we will do more. We will still exercise like crazy because we love to…but have been reminded that ‘nothing’ really is ‘something’ worthwhile.
Next Live Session Starts Tuesday!
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Live Seminar begins October 6 and Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship begins November 10. Logistics: call the phone number, from two locations if you need to, and follow along with the materials I will send to you the day before. I record each session and send you the link the next day so you can keep it for future use or listen to it if you missed the live session. Very simple – no technical hassles.
Participants get multiple opportunities to send me written questions…and I answer and share them ALL by the end of the course.
The course also includes optional - because not everyone is ready to do the homework - worksheets, readings, etc.
Are you ready to improve your relationship? This course has helped many, many couples. Read their testimonials at the bottom of the seminar page.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Beginning October 6, this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Beginning November 10, this new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
Life with a Capital ‘L’
Quote of the Week
“I think we simply need to ask ourselves if we’re choosing joy and choosing life with a capital L, or choosing fear that’s packaged to look like good habits.” - Marc David, Institute for the Psychology of Eating
Life with a Capital 'L'
This quote was about diets but I want to talk about relationships, instead. Because the idea is just as relevant.
I am asked quite frequently “How do I know if I should stay in my relationship?” My response is that I believe each person should do the best s/he can to improve his or her relationship by taking responsibility for one’s own issues, and learning all one can about ADHD issues, as well. You’ll likely work hard, and it will take some time. But at some point you will know that the two of you are doing the best you think you can and, with that, whether or not the two of you can make it succeed. And the WAY you will know is that you will come upon a time in which you can ask yourself this question “Am I choosing to be in this relationship because it brings me joy? Or am I choosing to be in this relationship because I fear the unknown?” In other words, are the habits you’ve created in your relationship genuine? Or are you faking it – choosing fear that’s packaged up to look like good habits?
This is actually an answerable question, when put like this. Packaging up your habits feels false. You crave something different, in the same way that the dieter who is not fully committed to a specific diet plan craves the food he cannot have. I urge you to actively seek joy…first within yourself and with your partner and then, if you find that is impossible, understand what sort of diet you have chosen.
I am not advocating divorce – my passion is for helping people save their relationships. And, when ADHD is involved getting things right can take years. But you will know, deep in your heart, once you have both done all you can, whether or not the relationship will ever bring you the joy you seek.
Actively Seek Joy! Next Live Session Starts in Less Than 2 Weeks!
Now enrolling: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - live session begins October 6 and Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - live session begins November 10. Just call the phone number, from two locations if you need to, and follow along with the materials I will send to you the day before. I record each session and send you the link the next day so you can keep it for future use or listen to it if you missed the live session. Very simple – no technical hassles.
Participants get multiple opportunities to send me written questions…and I answer and share ALL Q&As by the end of the course.
The course also includes optional homework worksheets, suggested readings, etc. It’s optional because not everyone is ready to do the homework. But you get it for whenever you might be ready in the future.
Why not start making the concrete changes that will improve your relationship right now?
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Live session begins November 10 - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
Vulnerability
Quote of the Week
“Embracing our inherent vulnerability is one of the best ways to break the cycle of fear and self-preoccupation. This can be as simple as accepting help from others when we need it…We think we should be in charge all the time, that we should always be in control…it’s just not true.” -Sharon Salzburg, meditation teacher and author
Vulnerability
Embracing vulnerability is scary to many people, particularly to some men (sorry about the stereotype, but my experience suggests there is some truth to this idea.) And yet, allowing others to see our vulnerability – and to help us – is a gift.
If you wonder if this is true, ask yourself this question. If your best friend were ill with cancer, would you wish to know? Would you wish to be asked to help out in ways that were meaningful to him or her? I think most people would readily answer yes and even say that it would be a privilege to help. Now take this a bit closer to home. If your partner were feeling wracked with problems, would you wish to be allowed to help out? Or at least support him or her?
I thought so. And the reverse is also likely true. Your partner would want to help you. Making yourself vulnerable to a partner who loves you is both a gift you give yourself (for you let someone know you more completely) and a gift you give your partner (the privilege of being allowed to help.)
If you don’t feel you have a calm enough relationship to let yourself be vulnerable with your partner I urge you to seek counseling with that specific goal in mind. You may be surprised at how connecting it is to be vulnerable with each other.
Is it time to strengthen your relationship? Many couples have learned to replace anger and frustration with trust and happiness.
I am now enrolling for my two couples seminars: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 and Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 . These seminars can literally change your life!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
Your Worries
Quote of the Week
“A realistic way to maintain a positive attitude is to realize that, while things don’t always go according to our hopes and projections, most of our worries don’t pan out, either. Things almost never turn out to be as bad as we anticipate they will be.” - Oliver Burkeman, author The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking as reported by Jon Spayde
Your Worries
I haven’t read this book. But I thought the quote was an interesting twist on the standard ‘positive thinking’ advice we often hear. And it reminds me of all of those research studies that show that we often think bad things are going to happen to us (ex: our plane might crash) when it’s highly unlikely they actually will.
Bad things probably do happen in your relationship. But what I find is that anxiety around anticipating those problems makes them much worse. In fact, anxiety about what might be coming your way can actually create problems that didn’t exist before.
This used to happen in my relationship, for example, when I became anxious that my husband wouldn’t hear what I wanted him to hear, and therefore made my voice more stern or louder. That, in turn, shut him down – ensuring that he wouldn’t hear me! All because I was anxious before a word came out of my mouth!
If only I had been thinking that things wouldn’t have been as bad as I had anticipated they might be, and given him the benefit of the doubt. Because when I didn’t use that tone of voice, he usually did hear what I was saying. Which isn’t to say he agreed with it, but listening is the starting point for all negotiations.
For Parents of Children with ADHD - Check out the Back To School Week by ImpactADHD, Sept 21-25.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
Are You a Victim?
Quote of the Week
“When there are so many things we ‘should’ do and ‘have to’ do, we are stating our belief that we don’t have any choice in the matter. When we use the language of obligation, we cast ourselves as victims in our own stories. The truth is, you actually do things because you intend to, because you want to, because you choose to. Even the things you don’t necessarily love doing.” - Steve Chandler, master coach and author of 30 books, including 100 Ways to Motivate Yourself
Are You a Victim?
As adults, we do exactly what we want to do. Really, we do - even as we might be saying we don’t wish to do it! Don’t trap yourself into feeling a victim by using words of obligation, such as “I have to” or “my partner gives me no other option.” You always have another option! Instead, say “I choose to (fill in the blank).” When you do, what insights does it give you into your motivations? And into your options?
For example, I commonly hear “I have to nag my partner because otherwise nothing would get done around here!” Except you don’t! What happens when you say “I choose to nag my partner because that’s the way I choose to get things done around here!” That’s more accurate, in fact. And it shines a light on your choice. Do you really wish to nag? Or would you prefer to choose another way to communicate your concern and encourage your partner to get things done? And for that matter, how do you think your partner feels about your nagging? Does knowing you choose to nag instead of treat him or her with more respect endear you to your partner?
Once you start realizing that your actions are choices – even when they are in response to someone else – you can stop feeling victimized. Which is always a better way to be in a relationship.
None of this happens over night. But making time in your schedule for exercise, making mindful choices and meditation have long-term, physiological benefits. Can you create more time for one or more of these activities?
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
Look Inside Yourself
Quote of the Week
“One thing to watch out for is the belief that your transformation will bring you external validation, fame, or love. Placing our ability to feel worthy or loved outside ourselves is a recipe for disaster.” - Marie Forleo
Look Inside Yourself
Too many partners, and particularly ADHD partners in my observation, look to someone else to help them feel good about themselves. This is a mistake! Instead, when you seek change within yourself (for example, learning to become more organized or patient) remember that the person who benefits the most is yourself. In fact, a great way to think about it is that you create these changes because they will improve your life forever moving forward. Greater organization makes your life easier in every aspect (even as it takes effort to stay organized.) Being organized frees up time to focus on what you really want to do because you don’t waste time looking for keys or re-doing a project you lost track of. Becoming more patient probably strengthens your relationships, plus you don’t have to spend extra time patching up misunderstandings and hard feelings.
We all can improve how we are in the world…but make sure that when you do so, the only person from whom you seek approval is yourself!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
June 28, 2015
Want Your Partner to Get ADHD Treatment? Read These 8 Tips
Traversing the territory of helping a partner with ADHD find the best treatment for ADHD can be like walking across a minefield. There is a great deal of danger, and you’re never quite sure where it will come from. Here are some tips that can help make the process easier:
(For purposes of this article I will write about an imaginary couple in which he has ADHD and she does not. But ignore the genders if you wish…)
TIP #1 - It’s his body, not yours: Non-ADHD partners often keenly feel the need for their ADHD partner to get a good evaluation and great treatment – after all, the survival of their relationship and families often seems to depend upon getting relief from unrelenting ADHD symptoms. Those feelings of need, however, shouldn’t obscure the fact that health decisions for any adult are the responsibility of that adult. You can’t force your partner to take ADHD medication, for example, and my experience is that the harder you try, the more he’ll resist. So step number one is to internalize the fact that you have limited power to change the status quo.
TIP #2 - Calm conversation trumps threats, anger, bullying and anxiety: When it comes to getting an evaluation and treatment, the old saying that the carrot works better than the stick definitely holds true. Staying with ADHD treatment takes a lot of effort – and that work will only be expended if the ADHD partner is seeking treatment because he genuinely believes he needs it. The more your threaten, bully, or cry, the more likely it is that your partner is going to tell you that the problem isn’t the ADHD – the problem is you. Don’t set yourself up for this fight – it’s unwinnable. Instead, remain calm and rational when talking about your experiences in your relationship.
TIP #3 - Focus on you, not your ADHD partner: One of the best reasons to get an evaluation for ADHD is that your partner is suffering and needs help. Think about what happens if you say, “I love you and I know you are trying hard to help me out, but I’m still feeling overwhelmed by the sheer volume of responsibility on my shoulders. While I understand that how you manage your ADHD is your choice, it would really help me out if you would pursue how to be better organized. The chores aren’t that much fun, but together we could make light work of it…” Now think about how your partner might respond to “You never carry your load around here and I’m fed up with it! Get your act together and start taking those meds!” One approach assumes partnership. The other is adversarial and controlling. It also won’t get you far, at least not in the long-term.
TIP #4 - Offer to help with the initial contacts: Many with undiagnosed or unmanaged ADHD are too scattered to effectively find an ADHD doctor and get to that first appointment. They want to, but feel overwhelmed by the process or simply don’t get around to it. This makes sense, since having trouble following through is a hallmark trait of ADHD. To get the ball rolling, you might gently offer to find a few doctors from which your partner can choose, and set up the first appointment. Over time, your partner can (and should) completely take over the scheduling tasks.
TIP #5 - Be a partner in the evaluation stage, and with monitoring medication successes: a recent research review suggests that getting input from other adults about possible ADHD symptoms can improve the accuracy of diagnosis of ADHD.* In addition, my observation of many couples with ADHD is that the best measure of the effectiveness of various treatments that an adult with ADHD tries, is taken with both partners observation. This is for a number of reasons. First is ‘self-report bias’ and the second is that not all changes are immediately obvious to the ADHD adult. As one excellent example of this, when my husband started taking the anti-depressant, Wellbutrin, he couldn’t ‘feel’ it and, therefore, assumed it wasn’t working. But my experience was quite different: I noticed he was doing a better job of thinking before acting and, most importantly, that the surprise ‘spurts of anger’ that he had lobbed my direction (and which had been so destructive to our relationship) had virtually stopped. After we talked about it, we realized that the medication was helping. He had a calmer mind, an ability to stop and think, and less expression of anger…all while not ‘feeling’ the medication at all!
At the evaluation stage, let your partner choose how (or whether) you will be involved. Some prefer that their partner submit a written statement about what they have noticed that makes them suspect ADHD, others prefer to have the partner go with them to the evaluation (which has the added benefit of an extra set of ears for any follow up instructions) and some prefer no input at all. Which it will be is the ADHD partner's choice (remember, it's his body...)
TIP #6 - Do NOT nag your partner to take the meds: There is little that bugs an adult with ADHD more than having a partner ask suspiciously, “Did you take your meds today?” after the ADHD partner has done something surprising or 'wrong.' Setting up an ADHD medication routine and sticking to it is the responsibility of the ADHD partner. If he’s having trouble doing it, he should hire a coach to figure out a good system. If your partner doesn't wish to take meds at all, that's his choice. Focus on your needs (such as "I'm feeling overwhelmed and need more help at home") and let him figure out how he is going to address meeting your needs rather than dictating what path he should take.
TIP #7 - Do participate in non-medicinal treatments that make sense: Exercise with your partner regularly – have fun being active together! Get to bed at a reasonable hour, and make it enticing for your partner to join you. Support his efforts to hire a coach or delegate to others (rather than telling him he should be able to do all that stuff himself!) Give him a break when he’s exhausted or overwhelmed. Eat well together, having a little protein at every meal and lots of vegetables and fruits. Make love to cement your connections. Make it a priority to set aside time to just focus on each other with dates or the like (‘attend time.’) There is a lot of ‘together’ stuff you can do that will help your partner manage ADHD symptoms and help your relationship stay (or become) healthy and strong.
TIP #8 - Get informed: Read up on ADHD treatment options. While it's not your ADHD, knowing that exercise helps manage ADHD symptoms (for example) will help you respond more positively when your partner says he's going to the gym instead of cleaning the bathrooms. A good resource is my online treatment guide - make sure to download the free chapter on treatment you will find there.
The bottom line is this – even if it seems imperative that ADHD issues be addressed immediately, it’s best to remain respectful of the fact that the ADHD belongs to your partner, not you. The most effective ‘position’ for a non-ADHD partner to take is that of ‘gentle lobbyist’ – a concerned, supportive and helpful partner with calmly expressed needs. In my experience counseling many couples, this type of open and respectful stance is the most likely to result in your partner seeking an ADHD evaluation and treatment.
*Molina & Sibley, The case for including informant reports in the assessment of adulthood ADHD; The ADHD Report Vol. 22, No 8
June 3, 2015
How Does Porn Addiction Work?
"Of all the activities on the internet, porn has the most potential to become addictive," reports Gary Wilson, quoting a Dutch Study on the topic. And, do you know why it's so hard to do research on internet porn use? Because it's use is so common they can't find adult males who haven't been exposed to internet porn! But the downside potential of addiction is very real, and it (like so many other things) has to do with brain chemistry and (you guessed it) dopamine and the brain's reward system Wilson does a good job of providing the details in this TedX Talk. My thanks to Nancie Kohlenberger for sending it to my attention.
If you want more on porn, go to this very popular post - 9 Reasons Why Porn Hurts.
April 16, 2015
To Rebuild Your ADHD-Impacted Relationship, Correctly Name the Problem First
“It is not me nor my spouse that is broken. It is the relationship that is broken.” These wise words were posted in the forum not too long ago. A breath of fresh air and some great perspective – so much clearer than blaming your partner!
So often couples spend all of their energy engrossed in blaming each other for their marital issues. A typical combination would include an ADHD partner who thinks that the ‘real’ problem in the relationship is his partner’s angry attitude (“If you would just be nicer, everything would be fine…”) and a non-ADHD partner who thinks it’s all about the ADHD (“If you would just take care of managing your ADHD everything would be okay.”) The reality, as I’ve written before, is that they both contribute, and need to look to themselves to start fixing the problems.
The idea that the relationship that is broken, not the partners, provides an incredibly empowering platform for growth. When you stop blaming each other you leave room for cooperation. And when you are trying to fix a broken relationship, rather than a broken partner, you are likely to think about how you are interacting…for that is what relationships are all about. To do that well you must think not only of your partner’s behaviors and words, but monitor and improve your own, as well.
Suddenly there is room to develop empathy…to listen…to hear…and maybe even to work together to fix things.
And that is the beginning of something much, much more positive than mutual blame.
Melissa Orlov's Blog
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