Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 71
January 23, 2015
Lessening the Pressures of Being a Caretaker Who Happens to Have ADHD
Staying organized enough to take care of parents and family members can add a lot of pressure to your life. One woman with ADD recently reached out for advice:
“Hi there. I have ADD and am not currently on meds. Going bonkers. Trying really hard to keep things together. I’m currently living with my parents and am the care-giver to my mom who has early stages of Alzheimers. I am the RP for my uncle who's in a nursing home. I'm doing the bill paying, shopping, cleaning, cooking, and taxing and taking Mom and uncle to doctor appointments - spread thin! I am in a relationship as well. He and his son seem to have little respect for me. I currently feel like I'm tearing at the seams. I try to explain why their constant fidgeting when we are watching something drives me nuts... Can't focus worth a crap. His son goes out his way to bother me. I tell him to stop and he continues. My boyfriend doesn't correct him. I feel disrespected, and can't take anymore lately. So you have any suggestions?”
Without knowing all of the details, this woman’s description suggests that she is doing the very difficult task of caretaking for multiple people...but that no one is taking care of her. A boyfriend who is disrespectful, and allows his kid to also be disrespectful, does not count as a caretaker in my mind. The son going out of his way to bother her sounds like a power play - to demonstrate to her that his dad 'loves him more' than he does his (interloper) girlfriend and will take the son’s side. She shouldn’t, in my mind, put up with that s%#t. Very nicely, and very calmly, she might point out to her boyfriend that it should not be about taking sides, but about sticking up for them both.
She deserves respect...that’s part of any healthy relationship…and if one doesn’t get it, then the relationship really should end. But she has a role to play in receiving that respect and will only get it if two conditions are met - she asks for it (demands it, really) and if she is with a person who is capable of demonstrating respect. Whether this particular boyfriend is that person is not clear. Her situation is complicated slightly by the fact that she is the caretaker of both people and household – a position which is easy for others to take for granted and which, for some, diminishes how interesting she is in others’ eyes. I know, for example, that when I changed from professional woman to household and child caretaker I became (over time) less interesting to my husband. All the more reason to stick up for herself and demand both respect and appreciation for all that she does.
As a first step, this woman should seek a better support network. That might be other members of her family, or friends or, perhaps, even a different person to date. She can also seek ways to pamper herself so that she gets a break from the constant pressure of taking care of mother and uncle. What that looks like for people is different - some like to take a quiet walk in the woods as their break, while others wish to escape with their friends and do something fun. She will know what works for her, and should give herself permission to take regular (and much needed) breaks.
In addition, starting from a place of untreated ADHD means she is making it as hard as possible for herself. At a minimum I would suggest that she incorporate a very regular exercise routine (4-5 days a week). This will lift her spirits, make her healthier, give her more energy to deal with the necessities of daily life, and also help her better manage ADHD symptoms, particularly improving focus immediately following the exercise. In addition, she may wish to consider whether taking meds might help. Worst case scenario is that she doesn’t find one that works for her, in which case she is back to where she is right now. Best case scenario is that she does find one that helps (well over 70% do) and taking the meds makes all the organizing she is doing easier and less burdensome.
To find out more about the many ways that one can improve the management of ADHD symptoms I referred her to my online treatment guide and, in particular, the free download of chapters from The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD. Those chapters include the latest on treating adult ADHD.
It sounds as if this woman is doing the best she can, but is in the very difficult position of family caretaker, all the way around. As it is for all family caretakers – whether it is kids or parents one is responsible for - it should be easier to manage if she remembers she must put taking care of herself at (or near) the top of her list. Caretaking is not just about other people.
December 31, 2014
8 Great 2015 Resolutions for Couples Impacted by ADHD
Looking to have a happier year in 2015? Why not pick one of these eight resolutions that can help couples impacted by ADHD turn their lives in a happier, healthier direction this year?
Resolution #1: Exercise at least 4 days a week.
Committing to exercise is a common New Year’s resolution, whether or not you have ADHD in your relationship, but it’s particularly good for ADHD-impacted couples. ADHD adults who exercise find they have better focus, are less depressed, less anxious and often more emotionally stable. The same holds true for their non-ADHD partners. If you are not exercising at least 4 hours a week you are missing out on a great opportunity to be happier, healthier and better prepared mentally for whatever might come your way in your relationship. Couples can exercise together on regular ‘exercise dates’, making it even more rewarding.
Resolution #2: Learn to ‘let it go.’
You may feel overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility that falls on your shoulders, or by negative comments in the relationship. Why not resolve for 2015 to commit to letting some of that pressure go? My own experience is that at first you may be tempted to say “it’s all important” or “I have to express those feelings!” but it turns out that this is not the case. It’s incredibly helpful for your relationship if you let some of the irritants ‘pass you by’ rather than ‘stick’ to you like a burr. Good ways to help yourself learn to let things go are to journal about your issues, or learn to meditate in a tradition about letting thoughts pass you by without judgment. One good resource for this, if you have never tried meditation before is the book (and its free downloadable meditation sessions) Meditation for Absolutely Everyone by Subagh Singh Khalsa. It can also help to create a reminder note you will run into frequently to keep you focused on this resolution.
Resolution #3: Teach yourself self-intimacy.
Self-intimacy is the foundation of better communication between you and your partner. It is the ability to identify all of your feelings, not just the ones at the surface, then express them in a constructive way. So instead of saying “I’m angry!” you might learn to get in touch with what is underneath that anger and say “I’m angry, but really what I am is feeling hurt and left out.” To improve self-intimacy, start by setting three times a day to reflect on how you are feeling at that moment, searching as deeply as you can. Setting a reminder alarm will help you remember to do this. (Hint: You may think that you are good at this, but I have been humbled by how challenging it can be to identify your own deeper feelings rather than focus on telling your partner what he or she should be doing better! So, even the most ‘in touch’ partners can use work in this area.)
Resolution #4: Schedule ‘attend time’ at least once a week.
When couples struggle it’s too easy to get all caught up in the ‘work’ and forget about both creating time for fun and (more importantly) time to attend to each other in a loving way. When ADHD is in the picture it’s common that ‘attend time’ needs to be scheduled. You might, for example, resolve to set aside 3 hours every Sunday afternoon to do drop all of your other responsibilities and just do something fun together. Or you might resolve to spend 20 minutes in the evening at bedtime to cuddle or talk about upbeat (NOT negative!) topics.
Resolution #5: Get into a sleep groove.
Speaking of bedtime, many ADHD partners struggle with creating a regular sleep time, or struggle with getting high quality sleep at all. If you are one of these people, a great 2015 resolution would be committing to improving your sleep routine. That might mean seeing a sleep specialist if you think you are one of the many people with ADHD who have sleep apnea or other diagnosable sleep issues. Or, it might mean better sleep hygiene – no computers after about 8:30 pm (or using f.lux if you must be on the computer); setting an alarm (or three) to remind you to disengage from whatever you are doing with plenty of time to prepare for bed; perhaps finding calming music to listen to before you sleep. Drinking less alcohol can also help dramatically, as the digestion of alcohol first puts you to sleep, then wakes you up in the middle of the night.
Resolution #6: Create a shared household chores and tasks system.
To get away from one partner being in charge (common in ADHD-impacted couples!) set a specific time to review tasks for a week, including setting priorities. (When you both agree to the importance of a task it is more likely to get done. The other option – having one partner set priorities doesn’t work as well!) For each task outline exactly what needs to get done, what the timeframe is, what the steps are, and who will do it. A week later you can determine the success of your efforts and adjust your planning for the next week accordingly.
Resolution #7: Smile. A lot.
If there is one thing I’ve learned this year, it’s that even in the most dire times there are usually things about which you can smile. Why not resolve to seek those things out? To find the elements of your life for which you can be grateful and happy, and then share that happiness with a smile? Your life may careen from one thing to the next…but even that energy (and your adaptability) can be worth smiling about.
Resolution #8: Get evaluated for ADHD, or optimize your ADHD treatment.
If you are not yet evaluated for ADHD, or if you are only taking medication to treat it, there is a whole lot more you could do to optimize the management of your symptoms. Take this as good news! The more you are the boss of your ADHD, the more you can live 2015 the way you choose! See my free online treatment guide for more information, and make sure to download the two free chapters from The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD, as they will provide you with the latest on the full treatment of adult ADHD.
Ready? Set...Resolve!
So there you have it! Eight Ideas for a better 2015! Pick one that appeals to you and you are on your way to a healthier and happier new year. And please stay in touch at this site, and with me, in 2015...Happy New Year!
December 12, 2014
ADHD and Forgiveness Part 2 - Eight Steps to True Forgiveness
Forgiveness take time and effort, but with these eight steps you can forgive even the biggest transgressions.
Being part of a couple means that at some point or another there will be something – very possibly something big – to forgive in your relationship. But how do you do that? Here are some ideas that have helped me over the years.
Eight Steps to True Forgiveness
Step 1: Anger is okay…for a while
Feeling angry after a big breach of trust (think affair, financial lying, etc.) is a healthy part of healing. But in most relationships, that anger needs to be conveyed constructively. The day your partner tells you he had a one-night stand with a co-worker? Yelling, crying and whatever else you feel is expected and probably won’t surprise your partner. But if you are still doing that a month later, chances are good you are not working in your own best interests. You may still feel enraged and hurt, and your partner needs to know it, but he (or she) will only be able to hear and respond to that hurt if you are expressing it constructively…and even then responding will probably be hard. If you are still having trouble constructively expressing yourself after a reasonably short amount of time consider hiring a counselor to help you through your grief and pain. Actually, this is not a bad idea after any significant relationship shock if you can afford to do so.
Step 2: Allow yourself to grieve
It sucks that your partner breached whatever trust she breached. Grieving the wounds that this caused you is an important part of healing. You may wish to share that grief and pain with your partner. If so, it may help to say something like ‘I’m still feeling really sad about the pain I’ve experienced. It’s going to take me some time to recover. I would like to talk with you about it, to help me heal.’ Try to use as neutral a tone of voice as possible, and choose a time when you think your partner is able to hear you. First thing in the morning and late at night when everyone is tired are typically not great times. Some people find that writing about it is one way to achieve neutrality while also expressing their full feelings – they can carefully craft what they are saying and check their words to make sure they are ‘hearable’ by their partner.
Step 3: Find your humility
Did you know that 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some point in their marriage, as do 45 – 55% of women?(1) I will never tell you that having an affair is a good decision – there are better options, such as seeking couples counseling to work through your differences. But, having been on both sides of this one, I can tell you that it is often understandable. That doesn’t make it any less devastating. But for some couples, having or finding out about an affair (or any other major breach of trust) provides a chance to strip away all the crap that has built up in your relationship and take a cold, hard look at what you have and what you don’t have…and whether this relationship is worth saving.
Step 3: Understand that you are part of this
Hitting a crisis big enough to warrant forgiveness can be a time to remind yourself that your partner is with you by design - you chose to be with him or her. This person, who is capable of doing things you hate, has been sleeping beside you because you picked him or her. That person is flawed as a partner…but so are you. We all are! How have you contributed to your situation? If your partner was expressing unhappiness, did you listen? Did you act on those expressions?
One of the important steps to being able to forgive your partner is realizing that in many situations (not all!) you, too, have played a role in getting you to this place of dysfunction. Humility can help tame your anger and provide a way to think differently about your situation.
Step 4: Seek to remember the good things
You and your partner may be flawed, but you both have many good traits, too. In a time of crisis and forgiveness, it’s important to overtly seek to remind yourself of these good things. Spending your time recognizing the good, rather than focusing on the bad, will set you in a direction that leads more easily to forgiveness and positive emotions.
Step 5: Get to know your partner better
Partners in crisis often tell me “I just want my best friend back!” Friendship is all about knowing your partner well enough to accept both his positive and his less positive traits. It’s about being genuine together, and not hurtful. You will find the path to forgiveness easier if you start being your partner’s friend again. That may sound hard when you are recovering from a major hurt – and it can be. But the acts needed to rebuild your friendship can exist side-by-side with unease or pain…at least in the short-term. And the results – opening up; getting to know each other better; learning to talk constructively about difficult topics again; having fun together; and remembering why you got together in the first place – are worth the effort.
Step 6: Accept your partner
You cannot change your partner. Period. You may be able to negotiate some different behaviors from him or her, but you will not change who your partner inherently is. With that humility I wrote about above, remember that love is about accepting your own flaws and your partner’s flaws. If your partner has problems that are simply unacceptable (for example, your partner physically abuses you) then it may be time, in the name of self-love, to move on.
Step 7: Forgive yourself, too
As you work through this you should seek to be as gentle on yourself as possible. I know that in times of crisis I’ve learned some pretty unflattering things about myself, too. While that can be hard, it’s also really good – both for me, and for my relationship. Knowing oneself helps you shift your own behaviors that you don’t like to be someone you like better.
Step 8: Move on in the positive
Forgiveness is about letting go of anger and pain so you can move forward. Dr. Ned Hallowell calls it “a gift you give yourself.” Don’t just stop at forgiveness. Take a look at what you really want out of life and start living in a way that gets you there. If you wish to get your best friend back, for example, then be a good friend. If you wish to have more fun, then be ‘lighter’ in the relationship and create time and events to help you have fun. If you wish to receive more affection, then give more affection. Don’t fake it…but do remember that waiting for your partner to lead means handing over responsibility for your own happiness to someone else.
How Does ADHD Fit In?
The partner who has ADHD may find it harder to self-reflect and to control behaviors, such as impulsivity, that may hurt the relationship. Seek to optimize ADHD treatment, and look deep into your own hearts for the acceptance and mutual respect needed for a healthy relationship.
For more on forgiving, see my blog post about Busting Forgiveness Myths.
(1) Atwood (2005) as reported in Recovering Intimacy in Love Relationships, p. 184
Ideas adapted from an interview with Fredieric Luskin in Recovering Intimacy in Love Relationships.
December 5, 2014
How to Find Gratitude in a Struggling ADHD-Impacted Relationsihp
Repeated research studies suggest that gratitude can lead us to healthier lives and actually help 'rewire' our brains for greater happiness. But struggling couples may not be feeling very grateful. Here are some tips about how to find gratitude in your own life and what it can do for your relationship.
Gratitude comes in many flavors - seeking and appreciating things that provide spiritual pleasure, expressing gratitude for things others do, and giving voice to things that give you joy, to name a few. Since more and more research suggests that gratitude is important for good mental health, I often suggest to partners, particularly disgruntled non-ADHD partners, that they start to actively look for things in their lives to appreciate. One of the most common questions I get when I include in that the idea that partners show appreciation for the small things their ADHD partner does is "why should I say 'thank you' when my partner should be doing that, anyway?" Further, non-ADHD partners often fear that if they say "thanks" or "that was great" for an everyday task, their ADHD partner will stop trying so hard - reverting to old, less positive, habits. Sadly, by giving in to these types of fears non-ADHD partners contribute to the demotivation of their partner, thus increasing the chance that what they fear (the partner will revert) will happen. I cannot count the number of times an ADHD partner has said to me "I just am never good enough for my partner." Part of the reason they say that? Because criticism, rather than appreciation, is the most common comment they hear about what they do.
I urge partners to seek out ways to feel and express gratitude - if done well, it can be genuinely helpful to the person who is grateful, and improve their relationship. There are a number of reasons for this:
it's hard work changing habits - when either partner succeeds it's worth noting it (and this helps you avoid the situation in which the partner makes several positive changes, but you only notice the things that didn't change - and this happens all the time!)
showing real gratitude makes you a better person, and an easier person to live with - it lightens up your relationship
it will inspire your partner - carrots work far better than sticks in ADHD-impacted relationships
forgetting your partner for a moment, seeking genuine gratitude will make you happier
Don't express false gratitude. And don't use gratitude to 'hide' or avoid deep problems that need resolution. Being grateful that your partner did not hit you today, for example, would miss the point - you are being abused and things need to change right away! A recent article in Experience Life Magazine provides a lot more ideas about how to think about gratitude in your life, and I recommend reading it if you are interested in this topic.
December 4, 2014
Success and Value
Quote of the Week
“Try not to become a person of success, but rather try to become a person of value.” - Albert Einstein
Success and Value
We are, Einstein is trying to say, defined by who we are more than what we do. An interesting idea coming from a man who is so well known for what he did!
In relationships impacted by ADHD it is too easy to fall into patterns that judge partners for what they ‘do’ or, often, what they ‘don’t do,’ forgetting all the positive things about who each partner is. I’m always thrilled when I ask “what do you love about your partner?” and given a long list of wonderful personal qualities…and saddened that those qualities are often overshadowed by ADHD-impacted lack of ‘doing.’
What are the characteristics that each of you has that makes you a person of value, rather than a person of success? If you aren’t sure, then this could be a great area of conversation for the two of you.
Is it time to recover the loving, adult closeness you so cherish? This multi-week seminar will get you going with practical and immediately useful information, tools, and weekly exercises designed to strengthen your affection and connections. Starts May 5th.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. Next session begins Fall 2015.
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - This new seminar, designed to help couples become more intimate on every level, will be given by phone conference call and will begin on May 5th.
The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on ADHDmarriage.com. It can literally change your life!
© 2014 Melissa Orlov
Whatever Doesn’t Kill Me
Quote of the Week
“Dear ‘Whatever Doesn’t Kill Me’…I’m strong enough now, thanks!” - Facebook post
Whatever Doesn’t Kill Me
I laughed out loud when I read this post! Because, truly, doesn’t life feel like this sometimes? Relentlessly throwing sh*t your direction until you feel as if you can’t take any more?!
But there is something in that old “whatever doesn’t kill me” adage – because every challenge does present an opportunity to learn and grow. The most important issue, I think, is what we choose to learn and in what direction we choose to grow. Because most often, we do have a choice. Do we choose to focus on the negative, or on our own or partner’s failings? Or do we choose to seek the positive?
I’m a big believer in the second approach. When we choose to seek the positive, we are more likely to end up with something we like.
I will be in London on March 25. Learn more here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - This new seminar, designed to help couples become more intimate on every level, will be given by phone conference call and is tentatively set to begin on May 5th, lasting for about 5 weeks. If you are interested in this topic, please contact me, and I will email you when the final dates and syllabus are available.
The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!
Link to ADHD and Marriage website
© 2014 Melissa Orlov
Mediocrity
Quote of the Week
“Only a mediocre person is always at his best.” - W. Somerset Maugham
Mediocrity
If you’re a “type A” person like me, you’re probably used to setting some pretty high standards for yourself and your partner. But what I’ve been learning lately is that this is not always a good thing. First, we shouldn’t be setting standards for our partner – they get to do that! Otherwise we are in the position of ‘judging’ whether they meet our standards – and that’s not conducive to intimacy.
Second, if we think we must always ‘be at our best’ we have only two real options – fail some of the time (and then are you disappointed?!) or lower our standards enough so that we don’t fail…which, as this week’s quote suggests, may lead to mediocrity.
Instead, I suggest we allow that failure is a good thing – it means that we are striving to do better (or at least differently!) Further, forgiving yourself and your partner for failure is an important part of a healthy relationship – particularly when ADHD is in the mix.
Are you able to let go of your own – and your partner’s – failures?
The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts NEXT WEEK - February 17th! Learn more here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. The next session begins February 17th.
The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!
Link to ADHD and Marriage website
© 2014 Melissa Orlov
Buddha’s Advice
Quote of the Week
“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha
Buddha’s Advice
I have recently undergone a lot of soul searching about self-love…and have found it a wonderful experience. Because, quite frankly, it’s way too easy to spend a whole lot of energy thinking about how to better love your partner and forget about what it means to love yourself. If you find yourself in that situation, as I did, you are losing out.
For each person self-love means different things. My approach to self-love will likely change as my circumstances change, but here are a few things that I decided to do differently, right now, to love myself better:
- Pay more attention to my body – lots more exercise; far better diet; resolve some health issues; dress in ways that make me feel good, rather than Boston frumpy (those of you who live here know of what I speak!)
- Overtly de-stress my life – find the optimal work/life balance; exercise; learn to meditate; spend more time on personal connections
- Learn to say ‘no’
- Live with a sense of adventure and gratitude. Seek out new experiences and knowledge.
- Seek laughter and fun.
What could you do to love yourself better?
The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts February 17th! Learn more here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: an online treatment overview; downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. The next session begins February 17th.
The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!
Link to ADHD and Marriage website
© 2014 Melissa Orlov
Who Are You Better Than?
Quote of the Week
“The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.” - Oprah Winfrey on Twitter
Who Are You Better Than?
One of the challenges of working with couples is to get them to see that the process of improving their relationship is not about ‘fixing their partner’ but about addressing their own issues. People get this concept intellectually, but it is really hard to let go of the idea emotionally. ADHD partners often think the non-ADHD partner’s anger is really the issue, while non-ADHD partners are likely to blame their partner’s ADHD.
These attitudes leave them stuck. You can’t make your partner ‘better.’ You can only make yourself better. And, as Oprah suggests, this is a process of making yourself better than you were yesterday – it’s one day at a time.
What could you do better today than yesterday?
For those of you in the Seattle, WA area, The Hallowell Todaro Center and ADD Resources have invited me to speak on Monday, February 9th about strengthening intimacy. Learn more here.
The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts February 17th! Learn more here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. The next session begins February 17th.
The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!
Link to ADHD and Marriage website
© 2014 Melissa Orlov
Love Over Time
Quote of the Week
“The story of human intimacy is one of constantly allowing ourselves to see those we love most deeply in a new, more fractured light. Look hard. Risk that.” - Cheryl Strayed
Love Over Time
No one ever really talked with me about how love changes over the course of a long-term relationship, but I sort of wish I had known more about it! Strayed’s idea – that we see our partners in a more ‘fractured light’ is a very interesting way to think about the strength we can gain from long-term love. We start thinking our partner – and our relationship – are perfect. Then we learn better. And over the years we see more and more facets – positive and negative - of our partner and ourselves.
This can be scary stuff. What do you do with the idea that your partner is capable of betrayal? Or that her work record is more spotty than you expected? How about the times when you feel resentment – perhaps even hate - and don’t act on it in ways that you feel proud of?
I would agree with Strayed – learning who we are at a deeper level is a risk, but well worth it. We are infinitely more complex than we thought when we first met…and constantly changing. But that is good. I like that my husband sees the good and the bad in me and is still around to talk about it. I like that I can see him more accurately for who he is and still feel deep love for him. This is reassuring, even as it can be hard to digest sometimes.
What sort of ‘fractured light’ have you benefited from in your relationship?
For those of you in the Seattle, WA area, The Hallowell Todaro Center and ADD Resources have invited me to speak on Monday, February 9th about strengthening intimacy. Learn more here.
The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts February 17th! Learn more here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. The next session begins February 17th. Learn more here.
The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!
Link to ADHD and Marriage website
© 2014 Melissa Orlov
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