Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 72
December 4, 2014
You Really Are Different
Quote of the Week
“I could say day and you would say night
Tell me it’s black when I know it’s white
Always the same, it’s just a shame, that’s all” - Genesis
You Really Are Different
This is one of the great break up songs of my youth, but I’m not writing about break ups here. Rather, I’m interested in the vast differences between those with ADHD and those without, and how we often spend WAY too much time arguing about the small stuff, and not focusing on the positives. We argue, sometimes, because it has become a habit – ‘always the same, it’s just a shame.’
But what about the positives of your differences? That differences can bring spice and joy to you both? What if we could let the habit of bickering and power struggles go and focus on the more important fact that there is love in the relationship? Wouldn’t it be great to focus on the way that you uniquely approach the areas of common ground between you? Maybe you share a love of adventure, but one loves the planning while the other loves the execution. Maybe you both share parenting values, but one person loves the strong daily connections with the kids, while the other better tolerates shorter blocks of time and play?
If you are in the habit of bickering with your partner, what strength could you find by seeking out common ground – even if you have different opinions and approaches?
Melissa will be speaking in Seattle, WA on February 9, at the Hallowell Todaro Center, and also giving a rare in-person couples seminar. Learn more here.
The next live couples seminar starts February 17th! Learn more here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. The next session begins February 17th. Learn more here.
The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!
Link to ADHD and Marriage website
© 2014 Melissa Orlov
Wisdom from Dr. Seuss
Quote of the Week
“Oh the things you can find
if you don’t stay behind.” - Dr. Seuss
Wisdom from Dr. Seuss
Red fish, blue fish, one fish…oh, wait, that’s the wrong story!
How much fun was it to read Dr. Seuss’ stories when we were growing up? And to ‘see’ the wisdom behind his words, too? In this case, he’s talking about being ‘open’ to new adventures and experiences. This quote struck me because I have just come out of about a three-year period in my life in which I was open to some new things (learning to play the cello being at the top of the list) but was definitely NOT open to everything life was sending my way. Under stress, my life shrank and my relationship suffered as my husband felt he couldn’t approach me easily.
Who wants that?! No, really…that is a serious question. Research suggests that remaining open to the ideas and opportunities that we are all bombarded with can mean the difference between success and mediocrity. In a relationship, I think that means being fearless about hearing what our partners want to tell us – even if that information is hard to hear. What we ‘find’ when we do this is deeper and more meaningful connections with our partner.
Melissa will be speaking in New York City tomorrow, January 8th, 6:30pm at West End Collegiate Church, 245 W. 77th St. More information about events is at the events page.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.
The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!
Link to ADHD and Marriage website
© 2014 Melissa Orlov
Emphasis on Strength
Quote of the Week
“The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” - Carlos Castenada
Emphasis on Strength
Think about how exhausting it is when you fight with your partner. Or when you feel under complete stress in your relationship. I think Castenada has it right here – it isn’t ‘easier’ to make ourselves miserable in terms of workload, only easier in terms of direction. When you are struggling, ‘doing nothing’ or digging into your position feels ‘easier’ than creating an intentional relationship in which you put in the hard work to be more in tune with your partner.
But that would be the wrong emphasis – because you end up with something untenable, rather than fulfilling. So, if the amount of work is the same, and the outcome of one direction is better than the other, what could you do – right now – to make yourself stronger?
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.
Melissa will be speaking in New York City on January 8, and in Seattle, WA on February 10. Information about events is at the events page.
The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, available in Audio Book and Kindle, explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you on the ADHD and Marriage website. It can literally change your life!
© 2014 Melissa Orlov
Love is a Verb
Quote of the Week
“Love is a verb.... Love in a long term marriage isn't something you say, but love is what you do.” - a friend
Love is a Verb
Every marriage contains significant tests of love and courage, and mine is no exception. I can write about relationships all day long, but what matters at our house is what I DO each day to make my life happier, and my relationship stronger. Love, truly, is a verb…and sometimes the actions needed to demonstrate my love take courage to implement. That’s okay. Sure, wouldn’t it be great if we were never tested? But then, is there such a relationship? Really?
How could you better act on your love? Ensure that love remains a verb at your house? Could you seek ways to be more patient or empathetic? Could you learn how to hold your tongue rather than critique? Could you spend more time getting your ADHD treatment optimized as a demonstration that you hear your partner’s distress?
It’s worth some self-reflection AND some loving actions to find out.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.
The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD has been selected by ADDitude Magazine as a Great Gift Idea for Adults with ADHD. Available in Audio Book and Kindle, it explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!
Link to ADHD and Marriage website
© 2014 Melissa Orlov
Are You Interested?
Quote of the Week
“Life is interesting only as long as it is a process of growth; or, to put it another way, we can grow only as long as we are interested.” - Cheryl Strayed, writing as advice columnist, “Sugar”
Are You Interested?
One of the saddest things I encounter when working with couples is when one or both partners has ‘checked out’ of their relationship, yet still keeps up the motions. This creates a toxic environment that is stressful and unhappy for both partners. You are connected by contract, but not by positive emotion.
I’ve been in this place. Years can go by when you don’t understand fully what is going on, but know you feel miserably disconnected from your partner and can’t seem to bridge the gap between you because one or both of you has put up a protective wall of disconnection.
Partners often tell me that they are disconnected as a way to protect themselves. Unfortunately, disconnecting means that the relationship cannot flourish. Is it really protecting yourself to remain in a position in which you cannot thrive?
If you are in this situation, I strongly urge you to seek professional help. For couples impacted by ADHD that means finding a counselor who understands this specialty – see the referrals section on my website. You may also wish to consider taking my couples seminar as a starting place (next session will likely be spring of 2015 – watch these tips for an announcement of the dates.)
As Strayed points out, you can only grow if you are interested. This is particularly true of couples, who rely on their connection with another, for relationship growth. Don’t put off finding help – stagnation and negative feelings are not the same thing as ‘being interested.’
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate.
The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD has been selected by ADDitude Magazine as a Great Gift Idea for Adults with ADHD. Available in Audio Book and Kindle, it explores the emotional "Hot Spots" that couples impacted by ADHD commonly face and what to do about them.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!
Link to ADHD and Marriage website
© 2014 Melissa Orlov
November 24, 2014
ADHD and Overwhelmed this Season? 11 Tips for Getting Through the Holidays with a Smile
People with ADHD can be easily overwhelmed – by too much to do, procrastination, and even by sensory overload. If you are easily overwhelmed in the holidays, here are some ideas that could help:
Don’t host the big days, if you can help it. It’s less overwhelming if you aren’t the one primarily responsible for putting a big holiday dinner on the table. If you are asked to host, suggest that this year isn’t a great year for you to do it. You don’t need to explain yourself, either. If you find you must be the host, then consider…
Put on a pot luck holiday. We did this a number of years and not only was it a lot more fun, but we got a wider variety of foods from everyone who came to dinner. I distinctly remember how pleased I was to bring the turkey, cooked, to one friend’s home…and didn’t have to do ANYTHING else!
Go out to dinner. Some families have favorite restaurants who can do most of the work for you. They might even pack up leftovers for the football games later on.
Exercise, exercise, exercise! One fun way to do this with a crowd is to start a multi-generational neighborhood touch football game. However you do it, make sure to get some exercise around the holidays. It is a great stress reliever.
Make sure you have a quiet retreat. If you are feeling overwhelmed, it can really help to retreat for a while. Don’t worry about this – you deserve a break if you need it, just to catch your breath. Go sit quietly in a different part of your home, or go out with a favorite relative for a quiet walk.
Don’t worry the details. Many fights happen in anticipation of getting things “just right.” Yet some of the best holidays are when things AREN’T just right. Your relationships with those you love, including your spouse, are far more important than the right centerpiece, or any other detail you are worried about.
Along those same lines, feel free to say no. If Uncle Harry is drunkenly belligerent, for example, it’s still your home. You have a right to ask him to leave early. Gather the right support, and stand up for yourself.
Set early deadlines. There are lots of things you (and your friends and family) can do early. Ask your closest family member to come early to help you set up the house for dinner (if you must host!) or even the day before. If you are worried about gift giving, set a date that is 2 weeks in advance of your actual gift exchange to finish up. Make a list so you can remember what you’re getting – as well as stay in your budget.
Don’t be a dictator. There is nothing that will start a fight with cherished family members faster than having one person be a dictator. “Do this, do that!” gets old…and fast! Talk with your partner about your specific plans and figure out who will do what ahead of time. Write down your tasks, then simply check in with each other as appropriate. If your partner isn’t done yet, don’t sweat it – it’s his or her job, not yours. Remember, this is supposed to be FUN!
Delegate...nicely. Many have children who can help (adult or not!) DO NOT forget to ask for their involvement.
Have a release valve. Make sure your spouse knows that the holidays can be hard for you. And that you might simply need him or her to step up and take over for a bit. Talking about this ahead of time will smooth the transition if you need to take a break.
We probably have too many Rockwell-like pictures in our heads of how perfect the holidays are supposed to be. Don’t buy that! We are all human…and that means we are rarely perfect! Don't ruin your holiday season with worrying about whether or not things are a bit chaotic. Instead, focus on your relationships, on fun, and on taking care of yourself when you need it. (Tip number 12? Give yourself a gift when it's all over!)
November 13, 2014
Adult ADHD and Forgiveness Part 1 – Busting Forgiveness Myths
Adult ADHD can add a good deal of complexity to your interactions. Often there is strife, anger and poor behavior all the way around. Learning the art of forgiveness can really help you move in a positive direction, but to wield this powerful tool you need to bust some common myths about forgiveness, and understand what a path to forgiveness looks like.
Busting the Myths
There are four common ideas about forgiveness that can get in the way of your being able to forgive your partner:
Forgiveness means condoning your partner’s behavior. This is not the case. When you forgive your partner you choose to put understanding and love ahead of hard feelings for the purpose of relieving yourself (first) of the pain you are feeling and, second, allowing space for your relationship to grow when appropriate. But that does not mean you agree that what your partner did was all right.
Forgiveness is giving in. You can have the strength to forgive, as well as the courage to negotiate trying to change future behavior.
Forgiveness only “works” if your partner knows about it. Actually, lots of times it’s best to not mention that you have forgiven your partner. This is what I call “becoming Teflon” – letting things flow past you rather than stick to you like a burr. When we are struggling on a daily basis, letting things go is a form of forgiveness that benefits you both. And anyway, you don't forgive in order to gain 'points' with your partner!
Forgiveness means you must stay with your partner. The act of forgiving is a stand alone act. If you are so inclined, forgiveness can be the first step in a repair process that brings you and your partner closer together. Or, forgiveness may open up a door that leads to an exit with fewer hard feelings. What follows forgiving your partner is totally up to you and your partner.
Practicing forgiveness is not being a doormat! It is not the same things as saying ‘sure, go ahead and do this again’ or ‘I don’t care.’ Just the opposite – forgiveness is needed only when something is wrong or hard – and it is a statement of genuine love. Love for yourself, because you deserve to not be held hostage by anger and pain. And (often, but not always) love for your partner – an acknowledgement that we are all human, and all have our own ways of dealing with the roadblocks and hardships life puts in our way.
Forgiveness is not forgetting. You will always remember the intense pain you felt when you discovered her affair, or found out he has just taken a loan against your house without discussing it first. Forgiveness of the really big stuff is about remembering something differently – not to ‘fool’ yourself, but because life is often gray, not black and white. And living peacefully with what has happened in the past is healthier and happier for you.
Forgiveness may come when you begin to realize that there were complicated feelings behind your partner’s actions and you start to feel empathetic. Or it might come simply because you are no longer willing to hold on to your anger. Whatever your motivation, forgiveness is a powerful tool that ADHD-impacted couples can use to great advantage to keep themselves - and their relationship - healthy.
Next post – creating a path to forgiveness.
November 3, 2014
Do You Have the Right Mindset for an ADHD Relationship?
Your mindset can make all the difference when you are in a relationship with an ADHD partner.
I want to share a note from the spouse of an ADHD partner who, after discovering ADHD was a factor in his crumbling marriage, decided to try to be more open to his wife's 'way of being' and experiences. I was moved by the shift in his attitude:
"This weekend we spent the whole Saturday together and I just watched her for the first time. What an amazing thing when you watch somebody with excitement rather than disdain. We even went to SAMs Club and she forgot her purse with eh SAMs club card. In the past I would have come unglued. This time we had fun with it. It gave us more time to talk in the car, and it ended up because of that we got back later than orignially planned but ran across the most amazing sunset...which of course she had to bring up to me since I would have never noticed. I sat back and thought "I should have done this years ago..."
This man's ability to benignly observe his wife's behaviors, and switch from "disdain" to "excitement" is a wonderful development for them. They will still have lots of work to do to create interactions they both enjoy consistently, but he has shown the flexibility of mind needed to change from having a negative 'filter' about a partner with ADHD to a more positive mindset.
I talk about negative filters quite a bit in my second book, The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD, because they are often present in both partners as they struggle in a relationship. This man was looking to feel disdain for his wife, but he didn't assess whether or not his filter was appropriate until he started reading about ADHD and relationships. Sadly, negative filters can kill your feelings fast - it's no coincidence that he immediately felt more affectionately towards his partner when he decided to just "let things go" for a bit and consciously appreciate her rather than critique her. When you start thinking "...she's never going to be able to do X" you start behaving differently...and typically not better!
One of the most common filters is an anger filter. This one is not only harmful, it's contagious! If you feel, in general, that your partner never gives you a break, or never seems to deal with his or her issues, you will behave more curtly towards them, perhaps diminishing them in your relationship. When you do, what is there to be optimistic about? I'm not suggesting you should pretend that everything is okay, when it's not. Far from it! I'm suggesting that we should be aware of our filters so that, like the man above, we can test out new ones and see what happens. His ability to watch his wife doesn't solve her underlying forgetfulness, but it makes the likelihood that they will both be able to find ways to deal with it MUCH more likely. We are all, as humans, much more motivated to make changes when we are feeling happy and supported.
Do you have the right mindset for your relationship? I urge you to think about what attitudes you filter your relationship through, and I challenge you to try on some new, more benevolent ones. Put another way, try to make yourself "Teflon" instead of "Velcro." Good things may come about...and you'll likely feel better about yourself in the process.
November 1, 2014
Exercise is Great Treatment for ADHD
A recent article at theAtlantic.com reviews some of the research on exercise as a treatment for ADHD. The studies mentioned were done with children, as most ADHD research is, but the evidence is strong that exercise is also an effective treatment for adult ADHD. I encourage you to read up on this topic, as well as watch John Ratey's 2012 TED talk on the subject of how exercise helps your brain. If you weren't inspired to get moving before, you will be now!
October 15, 2014
TADD Talks Provide Immediate Access to Top ADHD Experts
You've heard of Ted Talks...this month ADDA is releasing one TADD Talk a day. These 9 minute recordings (for those with shorter attention spans!) are a terrific way to learn what's what from the top experts in ADHD. Find out about the latest in treatment, co-existing conditions, and how to manage life with ADHD. These TADD Talks can be found at this ADDA web page. And, yes, my TADD Talk contribution will be released on 10/19.
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