Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 74
July 8, 2014
FREE Teleseminar - July 8th - Adults with ADHD - 5 Powerful Strategies to Escape the Overwhelm at Work, Home & School
Time: 9:00 to 10:00 pm EDT Instructor: Alan Brown Register here
Underachievement and overwhelm are probably the two words most associated with adult with ADD / ADHD and their jobs. The potential is there…the brains are there…the ideas and the will are there. But we often can’t get out of our own way, thanks to our ADD / ADHD. And as research sadly shows, we are likely to see slower advancement and lower lifetime earnings as a result.
In this presentation Alan will share a range of strategies that will help Adults with ADD / AHD Escape Overwhelm. This will be a uniquely engaging and original presentation, with none of the typical “Use color-coded folders!” tips. And as someone who has seen both sides of career fortunes – going from below-average career advancement despite hard work and long hours, to vice president and employee of the year at the nation’s largest ad agency, to co-founding and building a successful internet start up that was sold for over $10m – he can attest to the effectiveness of these strategies.
Listen over the telephone or internet!
*You will be able to listen to a free replay until 7/15/2014.
Sign up now here
July 5, 2014
Is it really a problem? What happens if I combine Adderall and Alcohol?
As a therapist, I’ve always known that mixing mood stabilizing drugs with booze is not a good thing. I’ve now done some research that shows that this is also true of the pairing of ADHD medication with drinking. Pairing Adderall with alcohol can be downright life-threatening.
The Dangers
What’s true is that individuals have been known, in some cases, to take prescribed or even un- prescribed, Adderall with alcohol, to keep the party going longer. Adderall, being a stimulant, can hinder the user’s ability to determine if they are “too tired or too intoxicated,” and therein lies the danger. The user may think that because Adderall is a stimulant and alcohol is a depressant, they neutralize each other. The truth is, the stimulant can block the depressant effect of the alcohol, with the potential bottom line result of overconsumption, leading to alcohol poisoning. In one known extreme case, it led to a heart attack.
One poster on a HealthCentral forum (December, 2009) gave an account of an experience of taking 30 mg. of Adderall, followed by one drink, and ended up in the hospital because they couldn’t stop vomiting. In other situations, posters reported falling asleep after imbibing, feeling just slightly tipsy, and then awakening to chills, sweats and shaking that were so severe that they also ended up in the hospital. These accounts are anecdotal, but are still worth consideration.
Clearly, this is not something to be taken lightly. Based on the findings, it is hard to know what the exact mix is that causes the toxicity level to be dangerous. Everyone is different in terms of how the medication and alcohol will have their effect.
In the name of safety, it is important to report the use of alcohol of someone who is taking ADHD medication to the prescribing physician.
June 26, 2014
Why is my partner always angry?
I've read so many comments on the Forum recently about ADHD partners/spouses who seem to have problems with anger, and in some cases..rage. I can certainly appreciate how difficult it is to live with someone who seems to get triggered into this kind of reaction without a substantial reason. Melissa recently wrote an article on just this topic in EMax Health. Research done in Feb. seems to suggest that those with ADHD may be genetically predisposed to what is called "emotional lability." This is just a fancy term for moodiness, ie. irritability, or a short fuse...anger responses. These responses happen most frequently when the individual is under stress. Those with ADHD, particularly if it is undiagnosed, unmedicated, or if medication has worn off at the end of the day, tend to find themselves easily stressed and overwhelmed. Thus...in some cases this may lead to angry ADHDers. Please note, I said in some cases.
What can be happening, as well, is that in addition to the ADHD, there could be other undiagnosed conditions going on, such as anxiety and depression, or bi-polar disorder. None of these things may seem like a good excuse for what you are experiencing as the non-ADHD partner who has to live with the explosions. I can appreciate that. What do you do about it? Well, first of all, do your best to stay out of the line of fire. Take time-outs away from the anger. A simple statement like "I really can't be around when you are in this state," can give you a chance for some space from it all. If your partner is conscious that they have an anger problem, you may be able to establish a verbal cue that de-escalates the anger.
However, the other possibility is that your partner may not be on the right medication, or enough medication. Some stimulant medications have been shown to create aggressive responses in some individuals. Is it possible that the anger issues started when the medication was first prescribed? It would be valuable to track back to determine if this has been the case with your partner.
Sometimes, besides the ADHD, the other co-existing conditions mentioned above may need to be treated as well. Some doctors prescribe Wellbutrin, as an example, to accompany ADHD medication to fill in for other symptoms the ADHD meds do not handle. Of course, it is very important to confer with your partner's doctor, with the permission of your partner, if you think one of these other conditions exists. This kind of supplemental medication can be very helpful in calming the often stressed ADHD mind.
In the extreme, if the anger becomes abusive, or violent, it is important to be sure you are taking care of your safety and the safety of your children. In these cases, a safety plan, knowing where you would go and what you would do is really important. Hopefully, you will never need to use it, but it is critical to have it if you need it.
In addition to all of this, I support you to order a copy of our book, The Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD, which has a whole chapter on anger, including a section about Anger Busters. And, as with all relationship issues, it can be beneficial to seek the help of a professional.
My best to all of you,
Nancie
June 24, 2014
Melissa Donating FREE Spot in Couples Seminar
Melissa is donating a spot for one couple to attend her seminar to CHADD’s online silent auction featuring consultations with the leading ADHD experts in the field. The auction runs from 9:00 am EST Monday, June 23rd through 8:00 pm EST Friday, June 27. Take this chance to support CHADD's mission to improve the lives of adults and children with ADHD - and to get help at a possibly reduced rate.
June 21, 2014
Nothing to feel embarassed about
I appreciate Melissa’s introduction of me, the co-author of her latest book, The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD. I will be guest-blogging here for a bit, and it is my honor to do so. I look forward to sharing some thoughts with you, and I hope you will share your thoughts with me as well.
In reviewing a number of entries on the Forum, I am always a bit surprised by some of the comments of some of the ADHDers such as, “You can count on me to make another stupid mistake,” or “They’re just waiting for me to mess up again…” or something similar. These kinds of words and phrases certainly make me pause and reflect.
I found out I was ADHD just a few years ago. As a Psychotherapist, and Marriage Consultant,, I actually diagnosed myself a few months after I had come to the realization that my husband had ADHD. (Both diagnoses were later confirmed by a doctor). I remember how distraught I was when I read Dr. Ned Hallowell’s Driven to Distraction, and realized how much of what was in the book fit my husband. I had known there was something going on that I just couldn’t categorize, but giving it a name and attaching symptoms to it was more than I could stand at the time. I knew it was true, but I wanted so much to deny it was happening in my marriage.
A few months later, at the University where I worked as faculty, I was being asked to retrieve information that I’d been given an hour before, and I just couldn’t recall it. Then when someone whispered the info into my ear, (we were in front of a number of students at the time),, I was so distracted, I lost my place in what I was delivering. This scenario happened more than once. I realized I had been experiencing the symptoms of Inattentive ADHD. It was not an easy recognition to come to. However, it explained so many things about issues I’d had throughout my schooling, and in work situations, that had given me so much angst. I finally understood.
What all of this does for me is that it enables me to see things from both the ADHD and non-ADHD perspective. I’d actually be considered the “non” partner in my marriage. I can, therefore, relate to so many of the frustrations I’ve read about in the Forum. I’ve had many of them myself. As a matter of fact, my first interactions with Melissa were through her couple’s course. My husband and I had our own journey before we could become coach and counselor respectively. We now work with ndividuals and couples where ADHD is an issue.
I’d like to be one of those voices that stand up for the notion that ADHD is never something to be embarrassed about. I know there are many on the Forum that are going through very intense times in marriages as a result of the impact of ADHD. Yet it is never anyone’s fault that they are born with a brain that has Executive function challenges. Therefore, there is no reason to feel “less than.” People with ADHD brains have done great things in our Nation’s history. There is so much potential for creativity.
We will certainly not all reach that peak level of success, but in many cases, we should be very proud of getting the dishes done, and the kids off to school in the morning, or getting ourselves off to work. There can be so many challenges that go along with being an ADHDer. It’s so important to be able to pat ourselves on the back for whatever we do achieve.
And I give tremendous credit as well to the non-ADHD partners who do their best to stand by their partners under some very difficult circumstances, and to those who know when it is time to move on. None of those decisions are easy ones. You are all courageous in your own ways. I look forward to getting to know you better.
Nancie Kohlenberger
June 17, 2014
The Courage of Loving
Quote of the Week
“Professing love is easy. Practicing love takes courage.” -Brene Brown
The Courage of Loving
There are times, even in my now much-stronger relationship, when I get depressed about how hard it can be to keep a relationship strong. Any relationship. Work conflicts, stress, illness, absence, financial upheaval, changes in ADHD treatment…there are many things that can put a ‘recovered’ relationship back out of whack.
When one of those periods hits I try to be courageous in my love towards my spouse. This does not mean that I give up on my own needs. Rather, it’s my responsibility to advocate for us as a couple, as well as for myself – while also being as loving and understanding as I can of what else is going on in our lives and my husband’s needs.
Sometimes this balance is hard. But thinking about being compassionate as “courageous” (which I truly believe it is) helps me work through how I wish to behave – both for my own best interests and for my relationship.
Would it help you to think about how courageous it is to love compassionately?
REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN FOR MY VERY POPULAR LIVE COUPLES TELESEMINAR - BEGINNING SEPTEMBER 23. IT MAY BE MY LAST COUPLES SEMINAR FOR SOME TIME, PERHAPS FOR GOOD. SO IF YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT SIGNING UP, NOW IS THE TIME!
TURN YOUR MARRIAGE INTO THE RELATIONSHIP YOU ALWAYS WANTED!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. THE NEXT COUPLE'S SEMINAR STARTS SEPTEMBER 23.
Audio Book and Kindle Now Available for The Couple's Guide to Thriving. Co-authored with Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD focuses on emotional "hot spots" couples impacted by ADHD commonly face. The book explores why these Hot Spots are so hard to move past, and what to do about them. It's time to move away from anger, frustration and other difficult emotions and learn how to calm your relationship? For more information, go to this link.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Please take a moment to investigate the information available to you. It can literally change your life!
Link to ADHD and Marriage website
© 2014 Melissa Orlov
June 11, 2014
Some Temporary Changes at ADHDMarriage.com - Introducing Nancie Kohlenberger
Hello to all of my blog readers! I want to let you know that I will be taking a medical leave starting about June 18, lasting possibly into August. The website will be up and running, and Nancie Kohlenberger, the co-author of The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, will be posting here and keeping an eye on the forum conversations. So things at adhdmarriage.com will go on pretty much the same except you might notice my silence. Please welcome Nancie if you come across her - I hope she will continue to be a presence on the site long after my return! And make sure to pick her brain - she's not only an expert in ADHD and relationships, but she is also a woman with ADHD, married to a man with ADHD, so she has much to offer with her perspective.
May 29, 2014
How to Broach the Topic of ADHD with a Loved One
You suspect your partner might have ADHD but are unsure how to bring up the topic. What do you do?
ADHD in adults can be a sensitive topic. Some feel that ADHD "is not real" or "just for kids" while others, sensitized after years of comments that they should 'just try harder' might take the suggestion that they might have ADHD as a direct criticism. And some adults embroiled in the struggles of 'the ADHD Effect' might worry that considering the possibility that they might have ADHD would be tantamount to admitting they are to blame for your marital struggles.
So suggesting your partner might have ADHD is often not as straightforward as simply saying "have you ever considered ADHD?"
Here are some suggestions for broaching the topic:
If you have a child who has been diagnosed with ADHD, propose that you both read some background information about ADHD. Often, adults with ADHD "see" themselves in these books. Ned Hallowell and John Ratey's Delivered from Distraction or Driven to Distraction are two particularly good choices as they are upbeat and have great ADHD characteristic checklists in them.
If bringing up the topic of ADHD feels uncomfortable, consider focusing on the behavioral issues first, without any label. So you might say "I often feel lonely around you and I think that's because you are often distracted. Can we work on improving this?" If your partner can change the behavior, even without a diagnosis of ADHD, you may be fine
Introduce your partner to ADHD/partner issues while you are in the car. By saying something like "I have a book a friend suggested I listen to, do you mind if we put it on?" you can then cue up the section of The ADHD Effect on Marriage that talks about patterns in ADHD relationships. Many people recognize the patterns, which then makes them more open to considering ADHD. (The audiobook can only be ordered from this website.)
I've been told stories, over the years, from people who have faced this very issue. One woman gave a book about ADHD to her partner on the premise that he needed to read it to be more up to speed on the topic for one of his employees (it was ruse, but it worked!) Another went into her husband's office while he was on the computer and said "do you mind if I read part of this book to you?" He said something akin to "whatever" and she waded in. When she looked up about 20 minutes later, he had turned around and was staring at her (she was reading the chapter from ADHD Effect on patterns...) Others have read short excerpts from Driven to Distraction in bed in the "hey, listen to this" pattern.
The basic premise is this - share information, be as positive as you can, and be very careful not to accuse or create defensiveness in your partner. Control the urge to "push" because the more you insist your partner hear about ADHD, the more he or she is likely to resist you.
May 27, 2014
Getting Support from Family and Friends Around ADHD Issues
Being in an ADHD-impacted relationship can feel lonely, so sharing information and getting support from loved ones and close friends can really help the healing process. But how to broach the subject?
I regularly get questions from couples - particularly from non-ADHD partners - about whether or not to share information about ADHD with family members. The genesis for these questions is typically that the partner feels lonely, and would like loving support. But in addition, partners often wish their families and close friends would have a better understanding of what they are facing.
We are healthiest when we are connected to others, so I am a big proponent of developing a support network that works for you. Your network might include a therapist who understands ADHD, a great friend whom you know will support you without badmouthing your partner, and family members. Broaching the topic of adult ADHD in your relationship might be as easy as an explanatory conversation. Some people like the somewhat removed approach of providing reading material, instead. I've had a number of couples say that they have given their parents and in-laws a copy of my first book, saying "We've learned a lot about our own situation from reading this book and thought you might also be interested in it." (This is also a useful tactic if you think some of these parents might also be struggling with ADHD issues!) For a less-lengthy, but well-balanced introduction to ADHD in relationships, I've just written an overview article about thriving with ADHD for ExpertBeacon which you can find at this link.
If you find that the person you approach tries to convince you that ADHD is not real, or that "everyone has ADHD" then send them to my blog post on this subject at PsychologyToday.com. If they persist in holding this opinion, my advice would be to find someone else for support. It shouldn't be your job to convince someone ADHD is "real," particularly when you're the one who is looking for support!
As you move forward to improve your life and your relationship it's important to focus on what you need to be healthy - and creating a good support network is a vey important part of that.
May 15, 2014
Can We Stop Beating Each Other Up?
A woman with ADHD asks for more support here for those who have this special kind of mind…and I agree. But taking the negativity private isn’t the only way to go.
This woman, who reads this site, recently contacted me to note that she is often put off by the virulent complaining about ADHD people she reads in the forum. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this complaint, and I don’t disagree. It’s a delicate balance…letting both those with ADHD and those without ADHD speak their minds and feel heard. Sometimes what people have to say is pretty hard to hear. There is a lot of pain out there.
She suggested that we create a private place that is just for those with ADHD to explore their issues and strengths. It’s worth considering, and perhaps the addition of such a place would encourage overall greater participation here from ADHD partners. But it worries me a bit, too. What would it do to the general conversations? Would it simply isolate ADHD and non-ADHD once again? Lessening your ability to learn from each other? I would like to hear your opinions.
My observation is that the community forum goes in waves – sometimes the give and take between those with and without ADHD is supportive and constructive, at other times just the opposite. This seems to revolve around specific threads and individuals as they express particularly negative emotions. And, I suspect, there are a number of adults with ADHD would contribute more if they felt more invited in by those who are posting.
Really, this issue seems a reflection of what happens inside all of your relationships, too. Anger and hopelessness on the part of non-ADHD partners feels unsupportive (and sometimes abusive) to ADHD partners, while ADHD symptomatic behaviors and anger on the part of ADHD partners feels likewise unloving (and sometimes abusive) to non-ADHD partners.
Yet we have to have this conversation. Exposing how both parties feel is critical to creating a better understanding of relationships impacted by ADHD. You cannot learn to better love your partner until you understand his or her experience better, and often that learning comes from others. We can be too entrenched in the “details” and specifics of our own relationships to learn directly from our own partner because we think we’ve “heard it all before”… at least from our partner!
But we don’t have to beat each other up while having this conversation.
I would ask those in the community – and particularly non-ADHD partners – to be sensitive to the range of personalities and minds of those in this community. You will all be strengthened if the conversation remains constructive, and more people are therefore encouraged to participate. Furthermore, learning how to constructively think about, and talk about, your experiences will be one of the most important skills you can learn from participating at this site. Use that skill (and the resulting support you receive from others on the site) to improve your life.
So respectful conversation is requested. But I’m open to trying other ideas, too. So if you think a private, ADHD-partner-only area of the website is a good idea, please let me know.
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