Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 2
September 10, 2025
Patterns
I've done what I always do, and went full immersion into attachments and patterns.
I've had several breakthroughs in major ways.
It feels like: what was once hidden, is now exposed. I can see the biggest picture yet, the overall templates laid over each other and where the daylight is coming through ( the holes ), and how it all fits together and actually works.
It's reality, whether I like it not, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Today, I'm also going into my new therapist to facilitate Ketanine Therapy for my CPTSD. I won't know until I try, so today starts a new road to go down.
I feel reinforced, and not confused. The mystery appears to be gone.
Just an FYI. Because this is what I do.
What Battles are Worth Fighting?
Quote of the Week
What Battles are Worth Fighting?“The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”
- William James
Sometimes in relationships ‘overlooking’ is called ‘choosing which battles to fight.’ This seems antagonistic, so I would like to expand the idea of making choices, instead.
We live in an age in which EVERYTHING is vying for our attention. Attention given to something small is attention that cannot be allocated to something more important. But how do you choose what to attend to?
I suggest aligning what you choose to engage in with your values and the intensity of those values. In my seminar I teach about ‘wants, desires and deal breakers’. The closer to deal breakers an issue or value is, the more deserving it is of your thoughtful attention.
One benefit of thinking about aligning what you pay attention to with your values is that you will think broadly, rather than think about individual instances. It’s quite possible your partner might respond defensively if you say, “I resent your telling me what to do” or (more commonly) “Don’t boss me around!” You might get a more positive response with “When you tell me what to do I feel disrespected. I would appreciate your bringing your concerns to me, instead of directing me. Showing mutual respect, even when disagreeing, is really important to me.”
What might happen if you respond specifically to those things that are aligned with your closely held values, and let much more go than you currently do?
STARTING SOON:➤ Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Starts Sept 24th Only $299:
9 sessions of a live lecture and live Q&A - 18 hours of live content by Zoom, answering your specific questions; Access to recordings of the live lectures and live Q&As from this session; 2 BONUS pre-recorded video lessons: Medications overview; Better organization with ADHD; Optional homework and readings. Mental Health Professionals, learn about our Affiliates Program.➤ Foundations in Habit Development - Starts Oct 8th New habits take up to 3X longer to develop with ADHD in the mix. Limited to 8 participants, this group is designed to help solidify the changes you have started to make.
Seminars, Groups:Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (Registration Ongoing) Learn more and sign up here!
September is full of expert help in i2a:
9/11: Learning Conversation Practice Office Hours with Rachel 9/7, 9/21 and 9/28: Money Talks Series: Money and ADHD Relationships Workshop Series with Dr. Christine Hargrove 9/16: Book club The ADHD Productivity Manual with Ari Tuckman 9/17: Office Hours with Melissa Orlov Plus the Community Forum and live Office HoursLive ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - ➤ REGISTER NOW Starts Sept 24th. Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. Mental Health Professionals, learn about our Affiliates Program.
The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials & recordings from recent live seminar lessons and Q&As. 3 months of Office Hours to support your learning! Military and Mental Health Professional discounts.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Join a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
Foundations in Habit Development - ➤ REGISTER NOW Starts October 8th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Ongoing). Work with an ADHD expert who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar
Couples Support Group - (Full). Seven sessions. 5 couples only will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
Therapist Training & more - (Ongoing). For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.
Free Resources: Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters; Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD"; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists; Chore Score Worksheet; Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD The ADHD Effect on Marriage, Huff Post's top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question:
Our Team New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you? en EspañolRegister for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
September 6, 2025
Talking ADHD Evaluation and Diagnosis with your Tween
While preparing for a recent Book Club being offered within the Intent to Action Membership I listened to an interview of Penn and Kim Holderness where Penn very simply and eloquently discussed the topic "Talking ADHD Evaluation and Diagnosis with your Tween".
At approximately 10:25 minutes into the video Penn provides a wonderful explanation and example for parents to use who find themselves wanting to broach this sensitive topic with their tween.
I share it here in hopes that someone may find it both useful and helpful :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11OENqySsHw&list=PLMh3Hbf7EP0otJmcbjcBnIzlE107TqM_G&index=3
September 5, 2025
New to ADHD
Hi everyone, I'm reaching out for support and connection as I navigate a challenging chapter in my marriage. My spouse (5 years) shows many symptoms that align with ADHD—things like high impulsivity, emotional intensity, difficulty with boundaries, and a tendency to deflect during conversations. My wife has a son with ADD, so I assume this is in the family. When I asked my wife whether she had been evaluated for ADHD anytime in her life, she answered no " to that. She is 58. Over the years, this has led to patterns where my feelings get dismissed or minimized, and small requests (like respecting communication boundaries) turn into bigger conflicts. As someone who's highly sensitive and deals with health issues (seizure disorder) exacerbated by stress, it's been exhausting—creating cycles of hope, hurt, and withdrawal. We've tried therapy, but the lack of consistent change has left me feeling unheard and unsafe emotionally.
I'm currently proceeding with divorce after much reflection, but I'm struggling with the guilt and sadness. If you're in a similar situation (or have been), how have you coped? Any recommendations for managing the emotional toll, setting firm boundaries, or finding peace during separation? I'd love to hear your stories or advice—thanks for reading and for any insights.
September 4, 2025
Support for person on receiving end of RSD/DESR
I’m finding it really hard to access joy in our relationship right now. The RSD and DESR patterns are so constant that I feel like I’m policing what I say and do every day, and it leaves me feeling like I can’t fully be myself.
I’ve been searching for support groups (other than Melissa's non-ADHD group which I have participated in) or guides, something that helps partners like me stay supportive without getting pulled into the cycle of RSD/DESR shame, anger, and exhaustion, but I haven’t found much that feels practical.
Here’s what I’m navigating on a weekly basis:
Feedback often lands as blame, even if I phrase it gently.
He sometimes flips things back on me (“you’re dysregulated”), which makes me second-guess myself.
Denies saying things that were clearly said. It doesn’t feel like lying, more like avoiding shame.
Gets hurt or defensive when the kids or I don’t want to hang out when he wants to (interprets it as rejection). But when we want to and it's not in his "now" bin, he gruffly and curtly tells us he's busy and we just have to accept it.
Eats impulsively when dysregulated, including the kids’ food. We’ve had to hide food from him.
Gets irritable instead of processing emotions, often says, “I’m a very emotional person,” but struggles to reflect on his own or others’ feelings.
Over-focuses on a single word/phrase that lands as shame and loses the rest of the message.
Words like “mental load,” “cognitive load,” or even “emotion” trigger visible rejection (head shaking, bracing).
Tells me I talk too much when he’s triggered, but his ADHD also makes him loop/repeat explanations until he feels “done.” If I acknowledge or interrupt, he says, “I’m not finished, I have every right to say what I have to say,” which leaves me feeling trapped.
Sometimes hears a suggestion as “parenting” and pushes back with “I need freedom, don’t parent me.”
Sleep dysregulation (untreated sleep apnea, long naps, late nights) compounds the emotional regulation challenges.
Add to this, I'm realizing all of this collides with my CPTSD.
When he tells me I’m dysregulated usually when he's dysregulated and I'm setting boundaries and sharing observations, my trauma brain immediately doubts itself, I spiral into questioning my own reality.
His defensiveness around shame feels gaslight-y to my system, even though I know it’s not intentional.
Constantly reframing and tiptoeing around his RSD is draining; I feel like I’m carrying both my prefrontal cortex and his.
The resentment builds, and I feel unseen which taps straight into old wounds of not being believed or cared for as I needed.
I want to protect myself from emotional exhaustion, and I’m working on boundaries that honor both of us. But without him pursuing therapy or medication, I feel like my joy in the relationship has eroded.
Are there books, seminars, or even YouTube resources geared specifically toward partners who live with the fallout of RSD/DESR? I need practical tools for holding my own ground while staying connected, instead of drowning in the cycle.
I want to look at him and see joy not exhaustion. I want to rebuild our intimacy.
Side question, do people outside of partners and family see the RSD/DESR? I'm so curious to know if others receive it, like does him mom see it? Does hi colleagues? My gut says no.
September 2, 2025
What's Done?
Quote of the Week
What's Done?“One never notices what has been done; one can see only what remains to be done.”
- Marie Curie
In his impactful book, Meditations for Mortals, Oliver Burkeman offers up the idea of a ‘done’ list instead or (or in addition to) a ‘to do’ list. It’s a lovely idea because, as Curie suggests, while we may expend a good deal of energy agonizing about what still hangs over our heads, we rarely sit back and appreciate what we’ve done.
Even if you don’t want to create a list, taking 2 minutes a day to just appreciate all that you have done can provide useful perspective. You will never get everything done…but seeing that you get something important done every day can be soothing.
What have you done today so far? Perhaps you’ve:
Served a hearty breakfast for your kids and gotten them to school on time Made the bus, even though you thought you might miss it Put 3 bills onto autopay so you won’t miss paying them again Found a moving company to move your piano to the basement Took time from your busy schedule to spend half an hour outside with your partner reconnecting and catching up. Successfully executed that difficult presentation at workIt’s likely that some of these items wouldn’t be on a to do list. Yet they are what make your days into your life and deserve appreciation. They are about making your family connected and healthy, and about supporting those you love.
What would happen if you made a ‘done’ list?
STARTING SOON:➤ Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Starts Sept 24th Only $299:
9 regular sessions of a live lecture and live Q&A - 18 hours of live content by Zoom, answering your specific questions Access to recordings of the live lectures and live Q&As from this session 2 BONUS pre-recorded video lessons: Medications overview; Better organization with ADHD Optional homework and readings➤ Non ADHD Partner Support Group - There's a lot to work through and think about when you are married to a partner with ADHD. Develop strategies for finding satisfaction and happiness.
Openings: Wednesdays at 12PM ET - Starts Sept 10th➤ Foundations in Habit Development - Starts Oct 8th New habits take up to 3X longer to develop with ADHD in the mix. Limited to 8 participants, this group is designed to help solidify the changes you have started to make.
Seminars, Groups:Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (Registration Ongoing) Learn more and sign up here!
September is full of expert help in i2a:
9/11: Learning Conversation Practice Office Hours with Rachel 9/7, 9/21 and 9/28: Money Talks Series: Money and ADHD Relationships Workshop Series with Dr. Christine Hargrove 9/16: Book club The ADHD Productivity Manual with Ari Tuckman 9/17: Office Hours with Melissa Orlov. Plus the Community ForumLive ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - ➤ REGISTER NOW Starts Sept 24th. Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials & recordings from the Fall '24 live seminar *NEW Add-on: 3 months of Office Hours to support your learning!
Non ADHD Partner Support Group - ➤ REGISTER NOW Only one group has availability - Wednesdays at 12PM ET - Starts Sept 10th. Join a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
Foundations in Habit Development - ➤ REGISTER NOW Starts October 8th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Ongoing). Work with an ADHD expert who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar
Couples Support Group - (Full). Seven sessions. 5 couples only will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
Therapist Training & more - (Ongoing). For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.
Free Resources: Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters; Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD"; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists; Chore Score Worksheet; Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD The ADHD Effect on Marriage, Huff Post's top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question:
Our Team New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you? en EspañolRegister for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
August 27, 2025
Deflection and Aggression
My husband never takes responsibility for his actions
He deflects then blames me then the silent treatment
A few hours later he acts as if everything is normal
The pain lingers
His words are toxic and I constantly walk on eggshells
Adhd and bipolar
Hello;
My ex fiance was diagnosed adhd 2 years ago. At the time he also thought he had bipolar which goes back years. We broke up January 2025 due to his mental health and his house which is a disaster. We did not live together but had planned on getting married and he would "get his house in order" and after the wedding live at my house.
We have currently become friendly again and he wants to go for marital spiritual counseling but he is also throwing around the idea of living in separate households. This does not sit well with me. I feel like we are back at the same spot when we broke up. Why should he have the freedom to "not get his house in order" but continue to pursue a relationship with me and waste the time of spiritual mentors(and, needless to say, my time) ? I have gently, many times, suggested he go for private counselling to help him with his hoarding and his disaster of a house!! I just feel its grossly unfair that he continues to live in a home that still needs renovating after more than a decade and full of crap but im left flailing in the wind clinging to the hope that we could actually have a life together. Im at a total loss here.
The Loneliness of Distrust
Quote of the Week
The Loneliness of Distrust“No loneliness is lonelier than distrust.”
- Steven Stosny
Trust can break down due to the presence of ADHD symptoms and the issues they encourage in both partners. As an example, it’s characteristic that a person with ADHD struggles to follow through on promises made. The instability this creates eventually erodes feelings of trust in the other partner. ‘Covering up’ failures or responding defensively to reminders add to distrust.
Distrust directly increases anxiety (will my partner follow through this time or not?) and resentment (I can’t believe I have to compensate for their tardiness again!) in the other partner, as well as in the ADHD partner (I don’t know if I will complete this on time, and I resent the feelings of failure that this creates in me).
Distrust is truly a lonely place to be. Because of building anxiety and resentment, it becomes harder and harder to talk about the issues being faced. Partners learn to ‘self-edit’ – no longer able to truly be themselves.
If you find yourself in this situation, here are some suggestions:
ADHD partners struggling to meet their commitments would be well served to work with an ADHD coach to figure out what Executive Function or other strategies might help, and which items might be reassigned because they are outside of their skillset. ADHD is a reason things might not be going as planned, but cannot remain an excuse. Non-ADHD partners should resist self-editing. Rather, find quiet times to group issues together and discuss them conceptually, rather than incident by incident. This approach lessens the likelihood of a defensive response while still getting your concerns out into the open. Both partners should learn as much as they can about ADHD. Symptomatic behaviors, while difficult, are not personally directed at the other partner. Knowing this can improve empathy and (sometimes) move partners from distrust to compassion lessening friction in the relationship STARTING SOON:➤ Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Starts Sept 24th Only $299:
9 regular sessions of a live lecture and live Q&A - 18 hours of live content by Zoom, answering your specific questions Access to recordings of the live lectures and live Q&As from this session 2 BONUS pre-recorded video lessons: Medications overview; Better organization with ADHD Optional homework and readings➤ Non ADHD Partner Support Group - Starts Sept 10th There's a lot to work through and think about when you are married to a partner with ADHD. Develop strategies for finding satisfaction and happiness. Openings:
Tuesdays at 9PM ET Wednesdays at 12PM ET Thursday at 11AM ET➤ Foundations in Habit Development - Starts Sept 10th New habits take up to 3X longer to develop with ADHD in the mix. Limited to 8 participants, this group is designed to help solidify the changes you have started to make and want to firm up.
Seminars, Groups:Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (Registration Ongoing) Learn more and sign up here!
August 28th 8-9:30p EST - ADHD & Sex with Dr. Lyne Piché. Problems with attention and concentration can impact your sex life. In this engaging workshop, Dr. Piché will explore how ADHD influences intimacy in your relationship and leave you with tools you can use right away! Plus Q&A.September is full of expert help in i2a:
9/11: Learning Conversation Practice Office Hours with Rachel 9/7, 9/21 and 9/28: Money Talks Series: Money and ADHD Relationships Workshop Series with Dr. Christine Hargrove 9/16: Book club The ADHD Productivity Manual with Ari Tuckman 9/17: Office Hours with Melissa Orlov. Plus the Community ForumLive ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - ➤ REGISTER NOW Starts Sept 24th. Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials & recordings from the Fall '24 live seminar *NEW Add-on: 3 months of Office Hours to support your learning!
Non ADHD Partner Support Group - ➤ REGISTER NOW Only three groups have availability. Join a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
Foundations in Habit Development - ➤ REGISTER NOW Starts Sept 10th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Ongoing). Work with an ADHD expert who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar
Couples Support Group - (Full). Seven sessions. 5 couples only will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
Therapist Training & more - (Ongoing). For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.
Free Resources: Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters; Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD"; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists; Chore Score Worksheet; Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD The ADHD Effect on Marriage, Huff Post's top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question:
Our Team New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you? en EspañolRegister for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
August 25, 2025
Therapy/Counseling in Vancouver, BC
We are an ADHD/non-ADHD couple and we are looking for therapy/counseling in
Vancouver, BC, Canada that is in alignment with what you have written in your
two books for couples. Do you have any recommendations for us?
Melissa Orlov's Blog
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