Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 6
June 20, 2025
Unanswered Texts
This is my first time posting here. I’m currently dating someone with ADHD. We’ve been together-ish for 2 years. The “ish” is because I didn’t understand the role his ADHD played in our attempted connection. He would disappear for months and I would assume it was over. But he always came back and acted like nothing had happened. I didn’t understand how he could possibly care about me and do that. But I somehow believed him and I believed in us. So here we still are. We’re finally in a more serious and a bit more consistent place. But he still doesn’t reply to messages for a week and trying to get him in person is hard. He owns his own business and is always overwhelmed. I’m committed to him and willing to try anything. I know that things will never be exactly how I want them and I accept that. But, I also need to not be ignored for weeks at a time (I know that’s not the intention, but the result is still the same). We’ve just started exploring tools to make it easier for him so I’m open to any and all suggestions! Thank you in advance!!
Your Internal Emotional World
“Once we are okay with who we are inside then we can put a system in place. We have to address shame."
- 2024 CHADD keynote speaker, Dr. Kojo Sarfo
Your Internal Emotional WorldKojo Sarfo is an internet influencer (among other things) and man with experience managing ADHD. He urges those with ADHD to address their internal emotional world so that they can deal more effectively with their daily lives.
As I’ve observed over the years, there are a number of effective ways to address one’s inner emotions. For example, anger over rejections (RSD in its more extreme form) can be address with medication and, to a lesser degree, with behavioral therapy. As I’ve observed with clients, Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) are two particularly effective ways to address trauma and shame. Research also suggests that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and coaching can help with taming self-criticism around task completion and fear of failure.
But this work isn’t for an end of emotional control. As Dr. Sarfo noted later in his talk, “If you have ADHD it is going to be hard to be successful without a system.” Once you tame the emotions that interfere with how you get on in your life, you then have more freedom to create a system that unabashedly works for you – whatever that looks like.
Would any of these approaches help you move forward in your life?
Seminars, Groups:
NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Summer doesn't mean slowing down in i2a -- we know your relationship dynamics are a part of your everyday life, so we continue to offer expert support and peers for community to keep you gently accountable to each other. Join us anytime to be a part of our growing and supportive community.
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next live seminar will begin Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar
Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.
Free Resources: Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters; Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD"; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists; Chore Score Worksheet; Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question.
Our Team New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you? en Español
Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
June 18, 2025
what about the kids…?
Following my split with his dad, my elder child has been keen to talk to me about his struggles over years. The boy’s mental health has often been wobbly, needing a lot of support (from me; dad was never available) and counselling. He’s telling me now that a lot of that stemmed from confusion and low self esteem caused by his father, and a lack of a functional male role model. He was realises he was messed up by the dissonance between what is dad said to him and how his dad behaved towards him. One moment Dad’s telling him he’s great, the next, he’d be blaming him, ignoring, dismissing him. The mixed messages were difficult to process - ‘you’re great, but actually you don’t matter and what you say has no impact on me, I won’t notice it and if I do I’ll sigh or huff and waft it away as irrelevant, and I am one of the people who supposedly loves you best’. This messed with my son’s head so much, leading to feelings of worthlessness and uselessness. And not having a man to model a positive masculinity to him… how was he to learn how to be practical except from his mum? which he has, but as the kid says, his dad was no kind of practical man- not the kickabout and car-fixing type masculine type, nor the cooking dinner and nurturing kind. He just opted out of all of that, leaving the lad to look to me. Which he could, but I’m not a male role model; I can’t be.
The boy says he’s happier now we’ve separated and he and I are talking about these things. He’s achieving clarity.
June 11, 2025
Am I the bad person?
Hi all,
I have ADHD and am in a very dysfunctional marriage. There's the stereotype of a lazy, absent, distracted, incompetent, ADHD spouse, but I try so hard as a parent at least. As a spouse I am spent.
I only ever really spend my time on family or work. I wake up with our early riser at 5-6am every morning, while my partner sleeps in until whenever they feel like it 8, 9 10am or later at times. This usually happens regardless of who wakes up for the kids. After getting up they have an extended shower, extended blissful breakfast, sit on the toilet for 20 mins. All of this time it feels like being trapped in a dopamine prison.
Then I only got to work or spend time with the kids. I cook most dinners. We have an agreement that whoever does cook dinner does the dishes and cleans up. I bath the kids after dinner and then put our youngest to sleep. Often I'll also put the others to sleep as well. If I am cooking, I do the dishes after the kids are asleep, usually finishing around 10pm. Then I do about half of the settling kids when they wake up. If my partner cooks, they clean up while I bath the youngest so they can finish early.
They have set strict bed times for the kids. If I err from those times, I get scolded and shamed. I'm actually pretty good at keeping the times. Yet my partner gets them to sleep, their bed times objectively slip by at least an hour. In fact my partner often struggles to get the kids to sleep and hands them over to me.
At points it has been worse - I'm pretty much doing everything and I have been hospitalised for mental illness because I'm so burnt out.
Some admittedly extreme examples: once I had woken up with our then only child at 5, took them for a 7 hour walk, got home at 12, my partner was just getting up. I sat on the couch and they asked me pointedly: "when are you going to participate in this family."
Another time I had been installing installation in our underfloor crawlspace. There's between maybe 1-2ft of room under there, its dirty hard, claustrophobic work. I came out and again my partner demanded to know when I would start participating in the family.
Talking to my partner is very difficult. Most conversation veers quickly into criticism, correction, disapproval, escalation. So, I just don't talk. I support them in their hobbies, exercise, socialising etc, but get none of the same in return.
We have seen various counsellors, but they tend to focus on my ADHD as being the problem. I've read the ADHD Effect on Marriage and understand that I am half the problem. My partner handles paperwork, finances, clothes washing etc. because I'm not reliable enough, but surely I'm not the whole problem. Everything seems so futile. I'm pretty much isolated, have no friends and nobody to really talk to. My partner just gives me neutral, or contempt.
Am I a bad person? I have no reference for this. I feel like I'm at least trying, well intellectually I feel like I a, or am I some crazy narcissistic looser?
Past and Future
“She taught me the pointlessness of wishing for a different past and the futility of worrying about all of the frightening futures over which I had no control."
- James Doty, MD from Into the Magic Shop
Past and FutureJames Doty, MD is a neurosurgeon who wrote about his lessons in mindfulness from an interested shop owner when he was young. What I like about this idea (which is the central idea of his book) is the absolute truth in the idea…and how hard it is to take it on.
Some of you may feel regret and sadness about what has happened in the past - perhaps all of the strife between you before you figured out that ADHD was playing a role in your relationship or perhaps that you didn’t know about ADHD sooner. This regret is to be respected, as are all of our feelings. But if you can internalize the idea that the past is completely and totally unchangeable it can help you move into today…the only day over which we have any real control.
Anxiety about the future is also understandable, and may even be useful in small doses if it inspires you to take action to avert a problem (example – ordering train tickets before they are sold out). But feelings of general anxiety about the future deserve to be examined so that they can be addressed and put aside. The anxiety itself doesn’t change anything, only put your body into a stressful ‘alert’ mode. And moving from a place of ‘fright’ may lead you to make less than optimal choices. Fear motivates…but does not nurture.
It can be terrifying to internalize the idea that the only day you have control over is today, and the only person you have control over is you. I ask you, though, to consider this idea.
If you took it to heart – today – would you do anything differently?
Seminars, Groups:
NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Summer doesn't mean slowing down in i2a -- we know your relationship dynamics are a part of your everyday life, so we continue to offer expert support and peers for community to keep you gently accountable to each other. Right now, we are in the midst of a great ongoing workshop series on boundaries and how they can help you shift out of the parent-child dynamic (which is recorded and available for i2a members to watch anytime!). We'll soon be talking about meaningful repair, and ADHD partner defensiveness. Join us anytime to be a part of our growing and supportive community.
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next live seminar will begin Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar
Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.
Free Resources: Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters; Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD"; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists; Chore Score Worksheet; Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question.
Our Team New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you? en Español
Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
June 9, 2025
Keeping kids on track?
How do you all keep your kids on track (as best as possible) for household tasks when your partner doesn't do anything (literally)? Am I'm not being dramatic, if i thought talking about or figuring out a good time to being it up or whatever, blah blah would work...I would not be asking this question.
I.underatand that kids don't care what you say, it's what you DO. And I'd like to try to install a bit of life skills in my kid, I think im doing a good Jo but dang if it's not pushing water up a hill bc my partner just doesn't show up. At all. In any sense.
Forgiveness?
My ex texts he intends to ask forgiveness when we meet at the counselor in a few weeks.
It’s sad, but I’m afraid he’s trying to manipulate me, because he wants something from me. He’s always said things to please others, regardless of whether he means it. Sooner or later, he will scream at you that none of it was true.
Is this about forgiveness for the past? I guess I can accept how he’s treated me, even though it’s incredibly painful. It’s there, clear as day. He probably couldn’t do better because of his mental illness. The problem is, how do you trust someone ever again who hasn’t stood by his word in critical moments? Who has been chaotic, dishonest, aggressive and with no apparent logic except his shifting emotions? There seems to be no core. How do you co-parent with them, or be civil around them?
I can’t think of any interaction we’ve had the last few years where it hasn’t all been about me giving out, exhausting myself, and him leaning heavily on me.
I won’t have any more of it. The heart palpitations and blood pressure and extreme stress he’s caused me cannot continue. I prefer to be miserable on my own.
If he says he’s sorry, why should I believe it?
June 6, 2025
Break up with ADHD partner
Hello folks,
My ADHD girlfriend (40 y/o) of 2 and half years (and with plans to get married) broke up with me in a whimp. She couldn't articulate reasonable argument for this impulsive act.
My question is:
Do I have any chance to get her back?...will she?...Anything I can do to help her, to try to come back together as a couple?...
I've been reading a lot, and learning as much as I can about ADHD.
June 5, 2025
Radical acceptance
I'm really struggling at the moment (hence the 2x different posts) but it's not so much sadness or grief or anything...it's moreso around trying to wrap my head about radical acceptance.
If I think/believe my spouse's (ADHD, 48 yo, dx 3 years ago) behaviour and actions are unnacceptable and I don't like them and don't want to live like this, but I'm practicing radical acceptance, which means that who is right now is WHO HE IS and I need to accept it...... where does that put me?
Doesn't this mean that if who he is showing me to be, is who he is and wants to be accepted as, but I find it unacceptable...isn't the simplest answer is that we shouldn't be together anymore.... right?
Like, it feels like it's so complicated and scary but when you strip it back to the basics...i mean, i tihnk I know the answer???
Aging with ADHD
I've been on this forum for nearly 9 years and have separated myself from my spouse in many areas. We live together and do some things together but I no longer depend on him, fix his mistakes, or apologize for him. I've dealt with most of the issues others have posted about and will say that there is no fixing your spouse. They aren't going to clean, or take out trash, or pick up the kids on time. You must accept this if you intend to stay married. Stop wasting years while s/he half-asses therapy, makes empty promises, and blames everything on their condition. Becoming a functional spouse isn't going to happen unless they are committed to working on themselves and we all know how long anything difficult will last with an unwilling ADHD participant. You must take control of your life and your wants. You must take over whatever responsibilities that leave you exposed financially and socially in order to protect yourself from financial ruin and becoming friendless.
Married over 40 years now and lately I started to suspect there is something more going on with H. I did some research and found out that a person with ADHD is nearly 3 times more likely to develop dementia than those without ADHD, even when other risk factors are considered according to NIH and JAMA. The difficult part determining if there is an new issue is that many early signs (forgetful, lose thing, put things in wrong place, frustration, outbursts) are already in place w ADHD so it is easy to miss the early signs. Not sure how this will play out because broaching the subject will be WW3 no matter how gentle the approach is. I guess I will wait until something happens and he will have not choice but face reality. I have live one day at a time now and not worry about the future. Only God know what will be...
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