Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 73
October 2, 2014
Exercise Lessens ADHD and Depression Symptoms
Exercise has been proven to be great treatment for ADHD as well as for depression. Recent research adds information about why and how.
Exercise has been shown to be a great treatment for lessening the symptoms of ADHD. According to Dr. John Ratey, co-author of Driven to Distraction and The User’s Guide to the Brain, exercise helps provide focus for a specific period of time after the exercise is completed – usually in the range of a few hours. Because of this, exercise can be used as both a long-term treatment for ADHD as well as a tactical one. If you have a big presentation at 2:00 you might want to exercise over your lunch break so you are completely focused when the big time comes.
In addition, regular exercise helps promote neurogenesis – the process by which our brains create new connections and get stronger. Work that Ratey has done with children and school exercise programs (reviewed in his book, Spark) demonstrate improved focus and significantly improved learning in schools where specific types of exercise programs were added. (Spark, by the way, is a phenomenal look at one way in which schools could do better to promote better academic performance! Really interesting reading for parents!)
Exercise has also been shown to be a wonderful treatment for depression. In one study, for example, regular exercise was more effective at diminishing the symptoms of depression than Zoloft.
Now the New York Times reports (article here) that researchers in Stockholm are learning just how exercise can help prevent depression. It has to do with complex chemical processes and whether or not chemicals created by the stress that leads to depression are broken down in a way that prevents them from passing through the blood-brain barrier and causing inflammation.
This research is quite interesting and I found myself marveling at the incredible complexity of our brains and bodies as I read the article. And, once again, awestruck by the differences small changes in brain chemistry can make in our daily lives.
September 22, 2014
What Do You Love About You?
Sometimes you can lose yourself in a struggling relationship. It can be helpful to stop thinking about your relationship and take a moment to reconnect with what you love about yourself.
It’s my birthday today, so I’ve been thinking about how to celebrate…and decided that sitting down and thinking for a few moments about who I am, and what I like about myself, might be a good way to frame my day. As I went through the exercise, I realized how infrequently I think about my strengths. Too much to do, too many other people to think about…life just seems to get in the way. And when you and your partner are struggling, doesn’t it seem as if you spend a lot of time thinking about “us” rather than “me?”
It was a great way to start my day, and I strongly recommend you consider sitting quietly to think, journaling on the topic, or taking a good friend out and exploring it together (she can give you additional encouragement!) And, I can honestly say that there were a few things that I identified where I thought “I used to be like that, but not so much any more…” Since those were aspects of myself that I genuinely appreciated, it makes sense to dedicating the next year or so to figuring out how to relocate them.
How about you? What do you love about you?
September 12, 2014
Ari Tuckman on Motivation, Productivity and Success
Sept. 16 - A free teleseminar on motivation and productivity will be given by Ari Tuckman, whom I highly respect. 9pm eastern. Info at this link.
September 5, 2014
Pursuit-Retreat Patterns Will Destroy Your Marriage
It’s the catch-22 of ADHD-impacted relationships (and many non-ADHD marriages, as well!) For many couples impacted by ADHD, distraction, disengagement and retreat from conflict leave non-ADHD partners feeling ‘stranded’ and lonely. Their natural response is to pursue their partner for attention…and disaster results. What do you do?
As a non-ADHD partner I have often felt caught between a rock and a hard place, as the saying goes. I wanted to engage with my partner in happy, positive ways. But, particularly before we knew about the ADHD, his normal mode was often distracted and otherwise engaged. Being someone with a ‘can-do’ attitude (as many non-ADHD partners seem to be!) and not knowing about his ADHD, I just figured that if I ‘reminded’ him of his responsibilities (and that I longed for his attention), I would get his attention.
Instead, he took my reminders as criticism – a demonstration that I didn’t trust him to make good choices, and that I didn’t think he was a good partner. Over time, of course, as he felt more and more hounded and became more and more resistant to my overtures, he became right. I didn’t think he was being a good partner to me. I thought he could be a great partner, but that there was something getting in the way that I simply didn’t understand. As a result, I was criticizing him, even as I convinced myself that all I was trying to do was get things done.
If you find this downward “pursuit-retreat” spiral in your marriage, you need to seek immediate professional help with someone who can help you speak openly together about the interacting dynamics that are bringing you down. You need to explore your priorities, your friendship, and your communication style. A counselor who is familiar with ADHD will be best able to help you – there are some listed in my referrals section.
Expert marriage researcher, John Gottman, notes that the pursuit/retreat pattern (which he calls demand-withdraw) is a good predictor of divorce both early in a relationship and later on. In addition, he adds a word of warning that is worth sharing here – that dysfunctional interactive conflict resolution patterns such as demand-withdraw have their origins in everyday nonconflict interactions. He notes that both couples and their therapists make the mistake of assuming that improving the conflict communication patterns will ‘fix’ the problem, but that this is not the case.
Solving the problem of communication is helpful, but long-term relief from the problem comes from addressing the withdrawal (and the demanding) at their most basic levels, and creating ongoing connections that make both partners happy to engage together.
In other words, it is not enough to “fix” how you speak to each other or simply to be more friendly, though that will help. Couples must, at a very deep level, become friends again – accepting and appreciative of what each individual contributes to the couple and to life outside the framework of the relationship. They need to regularly see the positives in each other (at a ratio of about 5 positives to 1 negative, according to Gottman.) As ‘friends’ they should be eager to share with each other, and know the constantly changing details about each other and their individual lives.
And that, perhaps, is why getting out of pursuit-retreat patterns is so tricky. It’s too easy to focus on solving the problems of how you communicate…and too easy to forget about re-locating your underlying respect, friendship, and love for each other. To succeed, you must tackle what’s underneath as well as the most obvious issues.
Pursuit-Tretreat Patterns Will Destroy Your Marriage
It’s the catch-22 of ADHD-impacted relationships (and many non-ADHD marriages, as well!) For many couples impacted by ADHD, distraction, disengagement and retreat from conflict leave non-ADHD partners feeling ‘stranded’ and lonely. Their natural response is to pursue their partner for attention…and disaster results. What do you do?
As a non-ADHD partner I have often felt caught between a rock and a hard place, as the saying goes. I wanted to engage with my partner in happy, positive ways. But, particularly before we knew about the ADHD, his normal mode was often distracted and otherwise engaged. Being someone with a ‘can-do’ attitude (as many non-ADHD partners seem to be!) and not knowing about his ADHD, I just figured that if I ‘reminded’ him of his responsibilities (and that I longed for his attention), I would get his attention.
Instead, he took my reminders as criticism – a demonstration that I didn’t trust him to make good choices, and that I didn’t think he was a good partner. Over time, of course, as he felt more and more hounded and became more and more resistant to my overtures, he became right. I didn’t think he was being a good partner to me. I thought he could be a great partner, but that there was something getting in the way that I simply didn’t understand. As a result, I was criticizing him, even as I convinced myself that all I was trying to do was get things done.
If you find this downward “pursuit-retreat” spiral in your marriage, you need to seek immediate professional help with someone who can help you speak openly together about the interacting dynamics that are bringing you down. You need to explore your priorities, your friendship, and your communication style. A counselor who is familiar with ADHD will be best able to help you – there are some listed in my referrals section.
Expert marriage researcher, John Gottman, notes that the pursuit/retreat pattern (which he calls demand-withdraw) is a good predictor of divorce both early in a relationship and later on. In addition, he adds a word of warning that is worth sharing here – that dysfunctional interactive conflict resolution patterns such as demand-withdraw have their origins in everyday nonconflict interactions. He notes that both couples and their therapists make the mistake of assuming that improving the conflict communication patterns will ‘fix’ the problem, but that this is not the case.
Solving the problem of communication is helpful, but long-term relief from the problem comes from addressing the withdrawal (and the demanding) at their most basic levels, and creating ongoing connections that make both partners happy to engage together.
In other words, it is not enough to “fix” how you speak to each other or simply to be more friendly, though that will help. Couples must, at a very deep level, become friends again – accepting and appreciative of what each individual contributes to the couple and to life outside the framework of the relationship. They need to regularly see the positives in each other (at a ratio of about 5 positives to 1 negative, according to Gottman.) As ‘friends’ they should be eager to share with each other, and know the constantly changing details about each other and their individual lives.
And that, perhaps, is why getting out of pursuit-retreat patterns is so tricky. It’s too easy to focus on solving the problems of how you communicate…and too easy to forget about re-locating your underlying respect, friendship, and love for each other. To succeed, you must tackle what’s underneath as well as the most obvious issues.
August 20, 2014
Inside-Out Solutions
Coach Jeff Copper explains why both observation and experimentation are critical to finding strategies that work for you.
Jeff writes: "From years of coaching, I've learned in working with individuals that you have to realize there are two processes: An inside process, which takes place in your mind, and an external process, which takes place outside your mind. All too often, experts offer normative external systems, hoping the method aligns with the internal process of the individual. Sometimes this strategy works. Frequently it doesn’t, especially for those with ADHD. I find it more effective to focus on whatever a person's internal process is and try to mirror it externally.
Here's an example. Mary came to me for coaching on time management. Typically, the suggested solution would be to use some form of a calendar. In Mary’s case, calendars were not working. In coaching Mary and listening to how she sees time, that is, as a river, we began to understand how she naturally observes and manages time in her mind. The river concept gave us a clue that a timeline moves left to right like a river and decided to give it a shot. Eureka! It worked. What's funny is that timelines are not something we would find in the self-help section of the bookstore, yet for Mary, this is an effective solution.
Another thing I’ve learned in coaching and studying attention is that our society is all about convenience. It’s convenient if we are all the same. Here is your one-size-fits-all solution and you’re on your way. If that solution doesn’t work, then, conveniently it creates a new market. The “I’m broken” market with people lined up at the door, money in hand, eager to buy the one-size-fits-all quick fix that doesn’t work any better than the one before.
Helping people witness their attention patterns (natural patterns of attention) isn’t easy. Attention is unique. Only you can observe what you are attending to... for the same reason you’ve never observed what others attend to. In the end you have nothing to compare it to. It is possible to learn to witness it, but it takes time, and it is inconvenient for society and therefore is ignored.
Let’s study the two graphics below. Both represent the day’s events on January 31. A few of you will notice that you have to shift your thinking process to wrap your head around the different visual representations of the same data. For those who do, congratulations! You’ve just witnessed your attention.
So what’s my point? When it comes to the science of one… the science of you… if the obvious solution isn’t working, chances are you’re attending to the wrong thing. Society attends to one-size-fits-all external processes only. If these don’t’ work for you, consider learning how to witness your internal processes. Chances are, it will give you clues and/or define what external processes will work for you.
A certified ADHD coach based in Tampa, Florida, Jeff Copper, PCC, PCAC, MBA, specializes in coaching adult individuals and entrepreneurs who have been diagnosed with ADHD later in life. He is a speaker, an attention expert, and host of Attention Talk Radio and Attention Talk Vide, and the founder of DIG Coaching Practice. You can learn more about Jeff at www.digcoaching.com
August 15, 2014
What should I know about taking ADHD medication for myself or my partner?
There are quite a few individuals who have recently been evaluated, or will be evaluated for ADHD showing up on the forum these days, and others whose partners/spouses show signs of ADHD. It is valuable to know some basic information about ADHD medications, as that is what most doctors will recommend as a way to work with ADHD symptoms. What follows is a very brief overview and is not intended in any way to replace your doctor’s recommendations in regard to medications.
The first type of medications often recommended is stimulants. Medications in that category are the amphetamines such as Adderall and Vyvanse, and Methylphenidates such as Ritalin and Concerta. These medications inhibit the reuptake of dopamine and norepinenephrine, making them more accessible in the brain. Amphetamines also facilitate the release of dopamine.*
The second class of medications is non-stimulants, for those who are sensitive to stimulant drugs due to heart issues, and other reasons. An example of these drugs is Strattera. They don’t target dopamine, and therefore don’t have as much to do with the pleasure center of the brain. Those concerned about addiction issues will sometimes prefer this class of medication to stimulants.
Sometimes other medications such as Wellbutrin, (Buproprion in generic form), are used, which are not specifically ADHD medication, but are known to be supportive in increasing norepinephrine, and impacting dopamine levels.
And finally, there are the alpha agonists such as Kapvay and Intuniv, which are meant to lower blood pressure. They can reduce hyperactivity, reduce aggression and impact mood. These can be very powerful medications, and of course, should be monitored closely by a doctor.
When first prescribed, any of these medications should be closely monitored. It’s important to keep in mind that it may take some trial and error before the right medication at the right dosage is determined. You or your partner will need to have patience, and expect to go through potentially a few doctors’ visits before everything seems just right. It is important to report any side effects to your doctor. If possible, it is most preferable to see a doctor who specializes in ADHD.
Stimulant medications will not make a person with ADHD more hyperactive. They have the opposite effect, and instead should help you to feel more focused and less distracted, as they stimulate the frontal portions of the brain, parts that are underactive in ADHD individuals.
There is a small chance that one can become tolerant to ADHD medications. If this is true in your case, and you find that they are not having the same effect as when you initially started taking them, some minor adjustments to dosage may need to be made, or a change in medication may be called for.
If you find there is an increase in aggression or anger, this may be an indication of another underlying condition. In this case, a medication adjustment might be needed, or there may be a need for something else, such as Wellbutrin, to be added to calm any mood dysregulation.
It is O.K. to drink caffeine, and small amounts of alcohol, while on these medications, but certainly, it is never a good idea to take in large quantities of alcohol with any such drug.
Most importantly, because stimulants are a regulated substance, you are required see and consult with your doctor regularly, and report any side effects or discomfort to him or her immediately.
*From The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD, p.24.
August 2, 2014
Some Ways We Differ –ADHDer vs. non-ADHDer
ADHD, like so many things that people go through, exists on a continuum from more intense to less intense, and in addition, there are different types. There are those who are Inattentive (and may appear to be spacey), and those who are hyperactive/ impulsive, and those who are both at the same time. No two individuals with ADHD show up the same way.
One thing they often have in common, however, that differs from their non-ADHD partner, is that the live in the permanent present. Past, present and future are not distinguished from one another. They, therefore, have a difficult time learning from mistakes in the past, and looking into the future to project what the consequences of their actions might be. This has been called, “Now and Not Now” timing. You can imagine why this kind of wavelength might be frustrating to their non-ADHD partners who do remember very well what happened yesterday, and want to make plans for tomorrow, or sometimes six months in advance. This can also lead to issues with time management and missed appointments. What is happening in the here and now is what gets attention.
In addition, ADDers aren’t good with doing things by planning them out and following an order. While the non-ADHDer starts at the beginning, and moves through a task in sequence, the ADDer jumps into the middle, and goes in all different directions at once. This can make both the beginning and completion of projects very challenging.
Another factor that impacts the ADHDer is their sensitivity to sensory stimuli. The can be effected deeply by sounds and smells. Personally, just the slightest smell of perfume or incense can make me want to run in the opposite direction. I’ve also been known to wear ear plugs and eye shades at night for sleeping, as I’m very sensitive to light and sound when I sleep.
“The ADHD nervous system is rarely at rest. It wants to be engaged in something interesting and challenging. Attention is never "deficit." It is always excessive, constantly occupied with internal reveries and engagements.” (From ADDiTude Magazine e-zine, William Dodson, M.D.). Their minds are often running in many directions at once, unless they are in Hyperfocus mode, when they can pay intense attention to one particular area of focus. You might say they are “In The Zone.” We have all had that experience at one time or another, but it can be much more common to ADHDers.
As Dr. Dodson says, “ADDers have their worlds constantly disrupted by experiences of which the neurotypical [non-ADHD] is unaware. This disruption enforces the perception of the ADHD person as being odd, prickly, demanding, and high-maintenance. But this is all that ADDers have ever known. It is their normal.”
Is it any wonder that ADHDers and non-ADHDers often have challenges in relating to one another? It’s often like they see the world through totally different lenses.
That’s why I encourage my ADHD and non-ADHD clients to take the time to share with each other what it’s like to walk a mile in their partner’s shoes. It really can help to at least try to see what the world looks like from the other’s perspective. I know for me, when I asked a hyperactive client to describe his experience of what went on in his brain for me, it was truly eye-opening.
July 26, 2014
When can a counselor help?
I am continually impressed with the enormous amount of support that is so generously shared on this website. The amount of care and concern that posters have for each other is just tremendous. And it’s great to see that it comes from both the ADHD/non-ADHD sides of the story. Each in her/his way, sharing perspectives that are so valuable to be heard.
As a therapist and a Marriage Consultant, I am continuously thinking about What do I have to add to the conversation? And it’s sometimes a very difficult question to answer. I want to say things that are relevant but don’t sound preachy, and at the same time I want to be sure that if I put my 2 cents in that there is a good and valid reason to get involved in what is already being shared. It’s not always an easy decision to make.
And sometimes it’s a hard to know when to suggest counseling, but it seems to be very relevant in some cases. So, I’ve been thinking about what those cases are. I thought I’d share the most important ones that come to mind.
One situation is when a couple’s relationship seems to be at an impasse, and the individuals in the coupleship don’t seem to be able to move forward together in a way that makes them happy. Some major disconnection has occurred that seems difficult to mend between the two people, and an outside perspective by way of an objective professional might be able to help the couple move through the impasse. Does this always work? The answer is, it depends on the couple, how much each one is willing to take responsibility for their part in the breakdown, and what they are willing to do to create change. And of course, rapport with the counselor is an important factor.
Another situation is when there is such a serious breakdown in the relationship that one individual’s safety is at risk. This, of course, is an extreme situation, but it certainly happens. In this case, it is important for the one whose safety is at stake to get help in some form so that she/he can feel supported in case further steps are needed going forward.
When ADHD is involved, counseling may be a very helpful extension of treatment. Sometimes we find out we have ADHD later in life, and although we’ve gotten through so far somehow, there may be issues as a result of a lifetime of being put down or judged for ADHD-related issues. In these cases, counseling can be very helpful in easing feelings of shame and low self-esteem.
As you might imagine, I’m an advocate of counseling. I’ve been through it myself during challenging times, and have always come out having learned more about myself, with some new skills for coping on a higher level. There are always greater insights and new ways of seeing possibilities that I had previously been unaware of.
When you choose a counselor, make sure you find someone you believe you can truly confide in; someone who cares about you and what you are going through. Feeling comfortable in the relationship is a very critical part of getting the help you need.
I wish you the best.
July 12, 2014
Flooding and the Use of the Verbal Cue
Have you ever gotten flooded during an interaction with your partner when you felt so overwhelmed that you couldn’t seem to see straight? It can happen when it seems like the same material is coming up in an argument that you’ve been over and over again and again and you just can’t handle it any more. You know you should disengage, but somehow when you get to this point, it just seems impossible. Everything seems out of control. This is flooding. Flooding is defined as:
“…a physiological response we have when we feel in danger or become extremely emotional. The parts of the brain needed to fight back are flooded with oxygen for better performance. Unfortunately, these are taken from the parts of the brain that deal with logical thinking. When you are flooded you might sense you shouldn’t keep fighting, but you can’t seem to get the logical part of your brain to actually get you to stop. It’s not fully functioning.”+
Flooding seems to happen in a lot of ADHD couple’s arguments. The executive function (particularly after meds have worn off), is not working, and so logic and rational thought are not in charge.
Therefore, it is so important that before you get to this point in the argument, the more reasonable part of you takes over, and that’s the time for a verbal cue. How do you know when to jump in with a verbal cue? It takes a certain amount of consciousness, and the recognition of what the physical signs are in your body that signal that an argument is coming. Your heart starts beating faster. The tension starts in your neck and shoulders. Your hands might start balling into fists, your body might overall become more rigid, as does your jaw, your voice begins to raise. Each one of us has different physical signs, but we all have them. It is important to know what yours are.
As soon as you notice yourself beginning to go there, you might also notice that your thoughts turn to blame and judgment of your partner. You get yourself into an attack mode. It is at this point, as difficult as it might be, that you need to pull out your trusty verbal cue. And the verbal cue might sound something like this,”
“I think we should take a break. I’m thinking this isn’t going to a good place.” Or
“I need a time out. I don’t like what’s going through my head right now.”
Or whatever you need to say to stop the action. And it’s important that you and your partner have decided that this is something you would do if the tensions got too high so that there’s no great surprise when you use the verbal cue, and you both know what to do at that point…to take a break in the action.
Verbal cues can have other uses as well, but for now, let’s just say that as a way to calm down instead of having an all-out fight, they can really come in handy. And don’t feel like you’re the weak one if you jump in to use it. It shows a lot of strength to stop an argument before it gets out of hand. So know that you have done the right thing, and know that you can come back and figure out what the break down was, and hopefully find a way to navigate around your differences, and get back on positive ground.
To use a verbal cue:
Be sure you’ve agreed to its use in advance
What the cue is (words and actions)
What it means
What the response will be
Used in the appropriate way, it can be a very effective tool.
+From The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD, p.111.
Melissa Orlov's Blog
- Melissa Orlov's profile
- 17 followers
