Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 70
April 15, 2015
5 Tips for Ridding Your Relationship of That 'Tone' of Voice
Chances are, you’ve heard that tone of voice. The one that sounds demeaning to you…aggressive…just short of an insult and a put down…the tone that puts your teeth on edge.
Chances are also good that you’ve not only heard it, but used it yourself…and your partner hates it.
Not only does using ‘the tone’ so irritate your partner that it’s likely to shut down your conversation, but neither one of you needs the disrespect that ‘the tone’ communicates. It’s a serious problem that needs to be tackled and eliminated from how you converse. Here are five tips for ridding your relationship of that tone forever:
Partner up to become aware – it’s likely your partner is more aware of when you are using ‘the tone’ than you are. Create an agreement that when s/he hears it, your partner will gently let you know. When s/he does, take note and back off. Then think about what situation you were in to see if you can gain insight into why you were using the tone in the first place. Over time, and with effort, you should be able to identify when you are using 'the tone' yourself, and not need the reminder to move so something different.
Practice ‘redo’s’ – If your partner notifies you of the tone, go back and repeat the exact sentence you just said…but in as nice a way (and that does NOT mean sarcastic!) as you can manage. If you do this right you’ll open the conversation back up again, rather than shut it down. And you'll set the stage for using the better wording in the future.
Make yourself aware of anxious feelings – in our household, I can fall into using 'the tone' when I'm feeling anxious about not being heard, or about something not getting done. Identifying feeling anxious as a contributor to using a poor tone of voice has helped tremendously. By connecting a specific feeling to an increased possibility of speaking with ‘the tone’ you can short-circuit your instincts and choose a different approach whenever you start to feel that way.
Use a third party’s help – if you are working with a counselor, enlist his or her assistance in pointing it out whenever either of you dips into a disrespectful conversational pattern.
Apologize – there may be times when you drop into ‘the tone’ even with your best efforts. In that case, make a good apology. That’s one without a ‘but’ or ‘because’ clause in it. For example, “I’m sorry that I yelled at you, but I’m just so frustrated that you didn’t take out the trash” is not an apology. “I’m sorry that I yelled at you” is.
April 1, 2015
Smiles Follow Tears
Quote of the Week
“For every dark night of the soul there is a sunrise, a brightening of the inner landscape. Smiles always follow tears. Joy will find a way, if I let it, to push up and out, through the rich, dark loam of heartache…” - Katrina Kenison
Smiles Follow Tears
“If I let it…” These words are critical. Are you seeking joy? Or even letting it ‘push out, through the rich, dark loam of heartache?’ I remember all of the years in which my husband and I struggled. Part of our problem in recovering was that as hopelessness took over – as we both started to feel that the issues were intractable – we have trouble finding the energy to seek joy together. Now, many years later, I think couples who seek patience with the chaos of their lives, and who continue to pursue joy at least as often as they seek to remediate weaknesses, do the best.
In other words, maintaining an optimistic (or even neutral) outlook can really help you live more peacefully even if your life is crazy busy. Are there simple ways you might be able to open up to let joy ‘push out’ through your heartache? For me, taking time to think each day about what I am grateful for can help, as does regular exercise. And I’m guessing you can add your own ideas…
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
Invest Each Day
Quote of the Week
“Energy invested (in a relationship) in the past doesn’t promise a return in the future. When deciding if a relationship should continue, look at the value it brings to the present and the predicted value in the future, not the investments already made.” - Lisa Arends, author of “Lessons from the End of a Marriage”
Invest Each Day
“I’ve worked so hard on this relationship!” I hear, with some frequency. The (unspoken) rest of the sentence is “…so everything should be fixed by now!” Sadly, this isn’t the way relationships work for several reasons:
You might have been spinning your wheels – to move forward, both partners must be participating in change. One partner cannot do it alone, no matter how much energy has been invested.
You might have been ‘trying harder’ (i.e. doing the same things that don’t work, only more so) rather than ‘trying differently’ (i.e. using strategies shown to help couples impacted by ADHD)
Sometimes the very effort one expends makes things worse, such as when a non-ADHD partner starts to nag to get an ADHD partner to do things
So energy expended in the past does not indicate what should happen today or in the future. Instead, look at your shared dreams and look at whether or not you are poised to have some wonderful todays. This will help you keep up the stamina needed for today’s investment of energy and the building of your best future together.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
Passion
Quote of the Week
“It’s only when we give to ourselves as passionately as we give of ourselves that we create the life we want and deserve.” - Suze Orman
Passion
Orman typically talks about money (and was doing so with this quote, too) but I think her idea is very relevant for relationships. Too often partners – and women in particular – focus so much on giving to others in their lives that they forget to take care of themselves.
Here are just a few of the ideas women have shared with me about how they take care of themselves: reset weekends away from the family; creating a private quiet zone in their home to which they can escape; ‘shopping therapy’; taking courses that excite them; exercising; changing their diets; writing and more.
What have you done lately that serves only one purpose – to take care of yourself?
Last Chance for Discount - To celebrate the Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD 2 book awards! ...a Gold award for Best Psychology Book of 2014 from Foreword Reviews and the Silver Benjamin Franklin Award for psychology from the IBPA (Independent Book Publishers Association), I'm offering $5 off the audiobook until August 1st - use coupon code AWARD at checkout.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:
An online treatment overview;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Referrals;
and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
Being True to Oneself
Quote of the Week
“As Shakespeare’s character Polonius said in the play Hamlet, “This above all: to thine own self be true.” In trying to be like everyone else, I waged an inner battle, and the biggest loser was me.” - Zoe Kessler, author of ADHD According to Zoe: The Real Deal on Relationships, Finding Your Focus, and Finding Your Keys
Being True to Oneself
Zoe Kessler points out an interesting conundrum in the experience of living with ADHD – that others often wish you to be like everyone else (i.e. non-ADHD) but that there is a huge cost to pursuing this path. Instead, it is much healthier to be true to the best of who you are. That does NOT mean don’t address ADHD symptoms – often these symptoms get in the way of your really thriving (for example, poor organizational skills might mean you miss out on job opportunities or family events that you might love!) But Kessler is suggesting that trying to conform (or even become more organized!) has very real limits. We are all – whether we have ADHD or not – best served when we learn to love ourselves.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards! ...a Gold award for Best Psychology Book of 2014 from Foreword Reviews and the Silver Benjamin Franklin Award for psychology from the IBPA (Independent Book Publishers Association). To celebrate, I'm offering $5 off the audiobook until August 1st - use coupon code AWARD at checkout.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:
an online treatment overview;
downloadable chapters of my books;
a community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
a large number of blog posts on various topics;
referrals;
and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
Independent Thinkers
Quote of the Week
“…people can be independent thinkers and team players at the same time.” - Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
Independent Thinkers
I would like to take this model – of independent thinkers who are also team players – and magically overlay it onto every ADHD / non-ADHD partnership I know! Because, truly, it is at this intersection that couples truly thrive because they are equal in status in the relationship and both valued. Unfortunately, the presence of ADHD symptoms – and responses to those symptoms – often results in parent/child dynamics that are just the opposite of independent thinkers who are team players.
If you have been struggling with parent/child dynamics, perhaps setting your sites on Dweck’s more ‘business-like’ goal can provide an easier path away from this destructive dynamic. What would you need to do in your relationship to be both independent thinkers and team players?
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards! ...a Gold award for Best Psychology Book of 2014 from Foreword Reviews and the Silver Benjamin Franklin Award for psychology from the IBPA (Independent Book Publishers Association). To celebrate, I'm offering $5 off the audiobook until August 1st - use coupon code AWARD at checkout.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Please take a moment to investigate the information for couples impacted by ADHD on ADHDMarriage.com, including:
an online treatment overview;
downloadable chapters of my books;
a community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
a large number of blog posts on various topics;
referrals;
and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins September 17 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship;
Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) and is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
March 10, 2015
My ADHD Partner Wants to Act as if Nothing Has Happened!
What happens when you are your partner reach an impasse about how to move forward in your relationship? I got email today from a woman who wrote about how she and her husband are ‘stuck.’ She wants to work on repair, while he expects her to ‘act like nothing has happened in the last five years and move on’…including have sex together.
This couple may be stuck, in part, because they are moving in opposite directions. While it is impossible for the two of them to repair painful memories by ignoring them, his general direction is to live in the present, as many with ADHD do. She, on the other hand, is more focused on what has happened over the last five years. This is pretty common for non-ADHD partners, and particularly non-ADHD women partners. ‘If we discuss it enough,’ the thinking goes, ‘ we will come to understand it better and be able to relieve the pain and move forward.’ What really happens, in my observation, is that discussing the past creates additional pain – both for the ADHD partner (who often feels as if he/she is being blamed for all the past experiences) and for the non-ADHD partner as he/she relives those past, painful experiences and (subconsciously sometimes) sees their continuation in the present day interactions.
A better approach would be to focus on the present and the future, making each day you are currently living as positive as possible. I’m not talking about plastering a smile on your face and pretending to be happy. Rather, I’m suggesting that making an effort to create positive interactions, and an effort to notice and comment on positive interactions, can improve your current situation. Call it the power of positive thinking.
This approach doesn’t magically fix things, but it does tend to make the conversations you have between you be about problem-solving, rather than about blame. Furthermore, it makes each individual in the partnership responsible for creating – right now – good interactions.
To get there, it helps to empathize with your partner’s misfortune and problems. In the best scenario, this leads to forgiveness – both for your own participation in painful episodes from the past (and you are always a participant!) and for your partner’s missteps. That forgiveness allows you to approach your daily interactions with a more positive feeling and a sense that a different future might be able to be had.
This ‘focus on today’ approach won’t work if your partner isn’t thinking the same way. (NOTHING works, in the long run, if your partner doesn’t work with you to address your issues…see the two posts at the end of this post about the impact of denial.) To succeed, you must both understand that your task is to make today the best it can be. And that, as a task, is a whole lot more manageable than ‘fixing what happened before’ which, by definition, is impossible. Over time, if you follow this ‘working on the present’ to its logical conclusion, you will also address the issues that plagued you in the past. After all, until the symptomatic behaviors and negative responses you have had get addressed, they will keep coming up in your present moment. But the ‘today-focused’ environment in which you tackle those challenges should be quite a bit more contained (i.e. manageable) and more positive – both of which increase your likelihood of success.
As for the sex issue? That's often a difficult situation for couples in trouble. My personal view is that a short-term refusal to have sex can be reasonable, but over the long-term it is unreasonable to assume a relationship can prosper if one partner demands monogamy but refuses to have sex. It is also unreasonable to expect that sex will be happy or good if the more interested party isn't paying attention to the issues the less interested partner reports are interfering with (in this case) her desire to have sex. In other words - both partners need to 'give,' listen to each other's needs, and attempt to address those needs...as well as try to find and give intimacy.
Denial posts that may be of interest:
My blog post Getting Past Denial
Words from my husband about the importance of ADHD partners getting past denial
My blog post at Psychology Today, ADHD Doesn't Cause Divorce, Denial Does
March 4, 2015
Please Participate in Exciting ADHD and Sex Research
You have an opportunity to be involved in research that will help counselors understand how better to help couples impacted by adult ADHD in a really important arena - sex.
Ari Tuckman, PsyD, MBA has created a new survey to explore this important and neglected topic. The purpose of this survey is to better understand the sex lives and relationships of couples where one partner has ADHD and one partner does not have ADHD (sometimes called ADD). There is no research data on this important topic...but there should be! So Ari has taken the lead on this, consulting with a number of adult ADHD experts to develop questions will help us get to the heart of some of your most important issue. We would like to better understand it so that we can help these couples have better sex lives and relationships overall. We are looking for responses from partners with ADHD and partners without ADHD. We would like to see what is similar and perhaps what is different. Rest assured that all the information collected from this survey will be anonymous and no identifying data will be collected.
Once we have received enough completed surveys to make the results meaningful, we will be doing a free webinar to discuss the results. In appreciation for taking your time, the survey participants will be the first to receive the results through this webinar and get the recording afterwards. They will also be entered in a raffle for some cool prizes.
Your opinions and experience are important - I hope you will share them with us by taking this ADHD Relationship Sex Survey.
Thank you!
February 19, 2015
27 Signs Your Partner Might Be Having an Affair...and 7 Smoking Guns
Statistics about how many couples are impacted by one or more emotional or physical affairs are hard to believe, for obvious reasons, not least of which is that estimates vary so widely. They range from 20-60% of men and 20-40% of women having an affair at some point in their relationship. No matter the exact number, the bottom line is that a large number of couples experience this form of betrayal at some point in their partnership, often after that affair has been going on for a while.
Upon discovery, you might wish you had put the signals together a bit faster. While this is not an exhaustive list, nor does the presence of any of these things guarantee your partner is stepping out on you, here are some clues that I’ve heard (sadly!) over the years that your partner might be involved with another person:
Overnight business trips suddenly increase in number and length
Work trips start expanding into the weekends, with the claim that more ‘prep time’ is needed or travel schedules are too tight
Your partner, who used to drive home from meetings no matter the hour, suddenly calls to say she’s too tired and needs to spend the night in a hotel. When you call her back, she has turned off her cell phone
You partner gets another phone and doesn’t share the phone number with you…or you stumble upon a burner phone
You are doing the yearly insurance paperwork and notice that your partner has suddenly started to put a whole lot more mileage on the car than you would expect
Things start happening that don’t make sense in the context of your own relationship. A partner disinterested in cooking suddenly gives you cooking instruction. Or a partner who has never cared at all about gift giving, fashion, or shopping suddenly shows up with the latest, greatest fashion candle set. A partner who has always hated reading suddenly has books on the bedside table. When asked about these types of surprising shifts, your partner avoids the question or gives an unconvincing answer.
While you were having troubles before, your partner had always been willing to talk. Now she’s totally checked out and seems to care very little about anything that goes on between you…
At the same time, she’s suddenly much more interested in her appearance – purchasing sexier clothes and wearing makeup, for example
An unfamiliar phone number starts showing up on your bill, 7 days a week
Recently you’ve had little success getting hold of a partner who was previously easily available by phone. There have been a lot of excuses such as “I had the sound turned off and forgot to turn it back on,” “I was listening to music” and “I was in the shower and didn’t hear it.” This continues, even after you’ve been very clear about how disturbing you find his inaccessibility.
Your partner starts treating you as if you have done him some injury or are in his way, being inexplicably short-tempered and self-centered
Conversely, your partner brings you jewelry, roses or luxury gifts that have no real explanation, nor precedent
Whenever you walk into her office she suddenly minimizes the computer screen and looks guilty. You notice that it is often a “chat” screen, with different colored talk bubbles on it
He’s not interested in sex with you anymore, nor in cuddling, or any other sort of physical contact
For the first time in your relationship, he can’t get an erection but, surprisingly, he doesn’t seem to care
She has a sudden interest in new sex toys and sex positions that isn’t put in any context, for example with an “I think it’s time to spice up our sex life” or "I came upon this great website..."
She used to read new messages on her phone right away. Now she ignores them…but you notice soon afterwards she often disappears for a bit or goes to the restroom
He does things that don’t make sense at all – like give the cat you needed to find a new home for to a co-worker 2 states away, rather than to the local neighbor delighted to take the animal
He starts hanging out with an old girlfriend, but says ‘it’s nothing’
To make things easy, your family has the same password for all computers. Then your partner changes his
You start hearing too many stories about a guy she works with. They sound surprisingly positive and upbeat
You find unexplained charges on his credit card bills for dinners at fancy restaurants or theater tickets
He starts going to bars without you, and without any of your mutual friends
He starts enthusing about how much fun it is to reconnect with old friends on Facebook. You sense he’s flirting...and really excited about it
You find yourself feeling panicked when she is on business trips…particularly when she says she’s ‘having a late dinner with clients so don’t wait up to talk’
His ex-wife, who still works with him at his home office, decides to take a call from your bedroom, lounging on your bed. When you complain, he says it’s nothing
Then there are the ‘smoking guns.’
You are sitting next to your partner on a plane and notice he’s chatting on his tablet…and someone other than you has just written “Safe travels…love you!”
Your husband’s affair partner calls you to tell you she has just spent three days in New Orleans with him
While she is out of town, you receive a piece of mail addressed to your wife…and to a man you don’t know. You open it up to discover it is about a romantic vacation for the two of them
You find someone else’s belongings in your bedroom
One of his co-workers tells you what she sees going on because she ‘thinks you should know’
You stumble upon suggestive pictures of him with someone else in his Google account
You get an STD, even though you haven’t been with anyone other than your partner
An affair partner is like a black hole. You know something really big and dark is out there, but you can’t see it.
My personal experience is that you may well understand intuitively that your partner is having an affair long before you allow your conscious self to wrestle with that idea. That’s too bad, because living with a hidden affair is intensely stressful. You don’t get treated right when your partner is seeing someone else on the sly, but you can’t exactly figure out why. That really hurts.
Things will undoubtedly blow up once the affair is (almost inevitably) revealed. And that period of time immediately ‘after revelation’ of a partner’s affair will be one of the singly most painful periods of your life. But at least in the aftermath of the discovery you will be forced to sort through what the affair means to both of you - whether you should really be together, and how you got to that place at all. And you’ll finally have full information with which to work.
I will write about recovering from affairs later.
Remember – none of the signs in that first list guarantees your partner is having an affair. But if you see a lot of them, and if your relationship has shifted in inexplicable and surprising ways recently, you may wish to open your mind to the possibility that there is a third person in your relationship.
February 12, 2015
Valentine's Day the Contrarian Way
Tired of doing the same thing each year? Try these slight spins on old themes!
Don’t give your lover red roses or a box of candy (too conventional!) Instead, give her a bunch of her favorite daisies (shows you have been listening to her!) or some chocolate flavored massage oil (ditto…!)
Don’t send her a Hallmark card. Instead, give her a membership card to someplace she wants to go – perhaps a local museum or a health club. Then spend Saturday afternoon with her there.
Don’t hire a babysitter to watch the kids so you can go out to dinner. Hire a babysitter to take the kids out, while you and your partner stay in. Make a fire, spread out a blanket in front of it for a picnic of finger foods and whatever else might follow.
Don’t spend Valentine’s evening with just the two of you. Grab your closest couple friends and make it a dinner for four – celebrating the value and fun in your best personal connections out on the town before going home (or to a hotel) as a two-some
Don't be predictable. Pretend you don't know each other, and role play meeting at the local bar and picking each other up...
Don’t look deep into her eyes to tell her you love her. Blindfold her, and show her how much you love her…
Do you have your own old routine? What could you do to spice it up a bit for Valentine's 2015?
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