Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 67
November 2, 2015
4 Ways Lying Hurts the Liar - Lying Part 3
In my last post I wrote about 7 reasons partners lie, hoping this might help you better understand the lying that you or your partner might be doing…and even that lying can be rational, even as it is not healthy for the two of you. Now it’s time to explore a more nuanced understanding of the ways that lying hurts you and your relationship. My hope is that once I lay this out for you, partners who are inclined to think lying is ‘not such a big deal’ or that they only tell ‘little white lies’ will reconsider. Lying, as it turns out, hurts THEM as much as it hurts the relationship.
First, a definition – when I write about ‘chronic lying’ what I mean is that a partner sometimes or regularly: covers up; makes excuses that aren’t completely honest; lies by omission; hides or overtly covers up something big (an affair, an addiction, financial malfeasance); or regularly ‘fudges’ in order to feel more comfortable. Sometimes those lies are justified as ‘none of my partner’s business.’ More often I note that they are engaged in simply to make the person doing the lying feel more comfortable or not ‘get into trouble.’
The Problem with Lies
Even small lies add up. And, ominously, the person who gets hurt the most is often the person doing the lying. Here are 4 reasons why:
Chronic lying stresses out your partner – and boomerangs right back at you. Perhaps the most damaging part of a series of lies is that over time your partner loses faith that you will take ownership of what you are doing, or follow through on what you have promised. This leaves your partner ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ ALL the time – a very uncomfortable and high stress place to be. That stress inevitably boomerangs right back at you in the guise of increasingly controlling behavior from your partner, anger, frustration and little flexibility. Your ‘little lies,’ as it turns out, really do hurt YOU.
Lies interfere with the forward progress you would like to make. As long as your partner cannot trust you, he or she is unlikely to take the leap of faith s/he needs to take to greatly improve the environment of your relationship. It’s hard enough to put aside past hurts and memories in order to be kind and supportive of a partner who may have hurt you in the past. It’s harder yet to do so when you fear your partner’s facility with lies will mean s/he will cover up something important, even after you’ve made that leap of faith. A history of chronic lying begets fear of change and that fear remains until the lying partner commits to changing the pattern of lies. Again, your lies hurt you at least as much as they hurt your partner by interfering with repairing your relationship.
Lies reinforce parent/child dynamics. Of all of the patterns that ADHD encourages in relationships, one of the worst is parent/child dynamics, where a non-ADHD partner becomes the (overly) responsible ‘adult’ in the relationship, while the ADHD partner becomes the (irresponsible) child. Lying and covering up is behavior that is generally associated with child-like behavior. ADHD partners who use lies to cover up have all that much more difficulty moving away from the hurtful ‘child-like’ under-dog position in the relationship. Not where an ADHD partner wants to be…
Lies destroy friendship and respect. You would probably want to drop a friend who regularly lied to you because, quite frankly, you wouldn’t respect that friend any longer. Why wouldn’t your partner feel the same way about you and your lies? Friendship – the ability to truly enjoy each other – is an enduring and critical part of any romantic relationship. Ditto for respect. Your partner wants to spend time with someone whom s/he admires and respects… If you destroy the most important friendship of your life with lies, how hard will it be for your partner to feel love towards you again?
I don’t write all of this to depress you. Rather, I want to shake you up a bit. People have reasons for lying (see my other blog post on this) but that doesn’t mean that lying is in their best interest. YOU get hurt EVERY single time you lie.
So it’s time to get out of the lying business. Doing so will take effort from both you and your partner (it’s unlikely you can do this alone!) Next time, I will write about specific tactics partners use to move away from lying.
October 28, 2015
A Person Who Gets You
Quote of the Week
“The longest relationship we have with anyone is with ourselves, and yet that relationship is often the first one we let slide. Maintaining it brings such comfort, though: Liking your company means that you always have at your beck and call a person who gets you.” - Robin Romm
A Person Who Gets You
I remember a time when my husband and I both said to each other “I don’t like you very much…and, actually, I don’t like me very much, either.” The former comes from repetitive relationship problems with your significant other…but the latter – disliking yourself – comes from forgetting about the relationship you have with your (significant) self. This isn’t about gender. Neither my husband nor I was thriving. This is about thinking so much about the SO that you simply forget about yourself. “I can wait,” you think, and suddenly you are depressed and lonely and have lost touch with the ‘you’ you used to be.
This is not only a very real loss, it’s a terrible place to be!
I urge each of you, if you are not actively taking care of yourself, to start seeking ways to do so. One of the most important things you can do is make sure you are in touch with your own values and boundaries. (If you want more information on this, see The ADHD Effect on Marriage.)
The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th! "Thank you for such a life-changing seminar. It was the best and most effective money and time we ever spent."
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins April 4th - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
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Overlooking the Good
Quote of the Week
“In considering what Tess was not, he overlooked what she was…” - Thomas Hardy
Overlooking the Good
I admit it. ‘Tess’ was definitely NOT one of my favorite books! But this quote was way too relevant to forgo! Because I see – repeatedly – that struggling couples hone in on the problems they are having and what they don’t have, that they forget to also seek out ways to remember and celebrate what they do have. Your partner might be driving you crazy with controlling behaviors, for example, while also being a fabulous parent or breadwinner, or both. Your partner might struggle to get things done in a timely way, but is hilarious and always ready to go.
If we focus only on what our partner is not, we are the losers. For we start our intended healing from a negative place.
What are the positives you could celebrate in your partner that might help you address the issues you both face with a more positive mindset?
The next live ADHD Effects In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts April 4th! "Thank you for such a life-changing seminar. It was the best and most effective money and time we ever spent."
TODAY: February 25, 1 pm EST, Free expert webinar with Edward Hallowell, M.D. - A Step-by-Step Guide to Adult ADHD Diagnosis and Treatment. Register at ADDitude Magazine.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins April 4th - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
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Never Done
Quote of the Week
“Every day mirrors the act of creation. Each morning you have to get up and create all over again. The building is never done.”
-Bill Clinton
Never Done
If you are feeling particularly negative right now, this idea might send you to hide in a closet somewhere! But, being an optimist, I take each day as a real opportunity to create something I like. And, as I get older (and my kids are out of the house so I have fewer responsibilities) more and more that thing I wish to create is simply a day that I enjoy.
I still plan ahead when I need to. Continue my work. Do the laundry. But living in this very ‘present’ way offers me a chance – every single day – to create a sense of gratitude for what I have, add loving behaviors towards others, and take time to think about how to care for me and my life so that I, and people that I touch, can thrive.
15 years ago I would have wondered if this were self-centered. Now I see, instead, a ripple effect. My ‘in the present’ happiness rubs off on those around me, too
What would happen in your life if you woke up each day asking “what can I build today?”
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
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Advantages
Quote of the Week
“…neurological differences …generate new ideas. Impairments in one area can lead to advantages in others, and it is these differences that drive progress.”
-Matthew Schneps, in an article on dyslexia in Scientific American Mind
Advantages
Some people ask whether or not ADHD is a gift. For most people, I would say it is not a gift, if only because they have to do extra work to manage it.
That said, I do agree with what Schneps writes. In ways, we compensate for our weaknesses by becoming particularly strong in other areas. I’m terrible at calculations (math learning disability) but really great at the other side of the spectrum – conceptual thinking. My ability to put together many disparate ideas in a way that people relate to has helped many, many couples.
My husband is really great at thinking about a million things at once (race car ADHD brain!) but not so good at staying engaged with things he doesn’t like (also ADHD brain…). He overseas technology strategy for 8 separate companies. Just the thought of all that input makes my head spin!
My point is this – Don’t ask your partner to be like you. Instead, appreciate your differences, and play to your individual strengths. This is the most likely path to a happy relationship.
Parents of kids with ADHD, Anxiety, LD and more - enroll in "Sanity School" parent management and training program and learn positive parenting strategies. Use this link for a 40% discount.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins April 4, 2016 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. This seminar is given by phone, so anyone may participate.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
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Thoughts are NOT Reality
Quote of the Week
“…(Think) about something or someone that makes us really frustrated, maybe even angry. The more we think about them the more that emotion strengthens. The more the emotion strengthens the more we obsessively think about that situation or person. Even though the person is not with us, or the situation is not actually happening in that moment, our thoughts and imagination are powerful enough that we emotionally respond as if they were. Our physiological responses kick in as well - our pulse quickens, our blood pressure rises, and our muscles tighten.”
- From the course Mindfulness Fundamentals, given by mindfulschools.org
Thoughts are NOT Reality
One of the really great things about mindfulness is that it encourages people to distinguish between the thoughts that they have and the reality of the moment. Read the paragraph above again. How many times have you done this?!
Here’s the rub. Thoughts are not reality…until you confuse them as such and follow with actions that then create the very thing you didn’t want to have happen!
Learning to separate thoughts from reality has a lot of practical uses. As just one example, you might fear that your previously unfaithful partner might be cheating on you again and confront him about it. This might well put him on the defensive and start a downward spiral of negative interactions that sets you both back in the healing you are going through. Your negative interactions might even send him back to the other woman. Yes, that fear that he might be cheating feels really, really awful. YET, fearing that your partner is cheating is NOT the same thing as actually having your partner cheat!
Being able to say to yourself ‘just because I fear this thing does not make it real’ can be a huge help. In this situation, rather than confront your partner, you could go to him and say “May I share something with you? I’m feeling fearful and really could use some reassurance…” then explain what you are going through.
What a different outcome you would have!
This is only one example of how learning to distinguish thoughts from reality can really, really help you. I will (with a smile) suggest you think about it for a while and then ask yourself when you are feeling a strong or negative thought “is this a thought, or really true?” That can help you follow those thoughts into a more positive reality.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts April 4, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
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What Lies Within
Quote of the Week
“What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
What Lies Within
I LOVE this quote!
I am always amazed at the resiliency and strength of the couples I work with. We have, in each of us, the power to unleash this strength, even if we aren’t fully aware that it is there.
But perhaps you feel depleted and not very strong. This would be understandable, if you have been struggling in your relationship. The question becomes – ‘how do I find what lies within me?’ The answer varies from person to person, but I do see some patterns:
• Respect begets effort. Respect yourself, and respect your partner, and good things are likely to start to happen
• Take care of yourself. You cannot focus so much on your partner that you forget about yourself. You will wither. Instead, focus on what you need to feel strong, and any changes you can contribute to your partnership
• Exercise regularly. It makes you feel stronger, both mentally and physically.
As you gain confidence, you will be able to access the strength that is inside you.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts in April 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
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The Power of Negativity
Quote of the Week
“Dwelling in the negative simply contributes to its power.”
-Fortune cookie
The Power of Negativity
Last week I wrote about gratitude and the joy it can bring. This week I want to talk about what focusing on the negative can do…
Because one way of dwelling in the negative is to spend most of your time focused on ‘what needs to be fixed.’ This is a ‘deficit’ model of thinking. It casts a halo of bad feelings over all aspects of your life, can make your day a slog, and doesn’t feel good to your partner if the item needing to be ‘fixed’ is him or her. (And I’m talking about BOTH partners thinking this way…!)
A better strategy is to focus some discreet periods of time on a few really, really important things you would like to see change. Perhaps you do this with a weekly meeting about emotional topics (in counseling or not) plus some scheduled talk time in between so you had a chance to work through things. Then, spend the rest of your time working on yourself in whatever way feels productive, and finding all the positives in your life to diminish the negatives.
I encourage you to use the power of positive thinking, while diminishing the power of the negative by not allowing yourself to focus there all the time.
And, no, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t address the issues in your relationship! Only that it’s smart to think strategically about how you do it, rather than simply fall prey to the hurtful power of dwelling in the negative.
It's not too late! The live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar started yesterday, January 12th - but you can access the recording (plus any future session you may miss) and join live the next seven sessions. Use Coupon Code MCO16 for a $32 savings. Receive individualized attention and get your questions answered directly by Melissa.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The next session will be held in March/April 2016.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
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See a Smile
Quote of the Week
“For me, every hour is grace. And I feel gratitude in my heart each time I can meet someone and look at his or her smile.”
-Elle Wiesel, quoted in Oprah Magazine
See a Smile
Read any self-help magazine these days (including Oprah!) and you’ll get a ton of information about the benefits of gratitude. Study after study shows that feeling grateful can significantly improve your daily experience, as well as change the wiring of your brain in a way that makes you feel better.
I’ve had recent personal experience with this. 2014 was a very tough year for me. One of the things that helped me get through it was keeping a gratitude journal. Before going to bed each night I would take a few minutes and write down three things for which I was grateful. Not only did it help me sleep better by calming at the end of the day, but it was great to see that even as I was struggling there were still a lot of really good things in my life. It helped provide perspective, as well as reinforced my sense of having a great inner strength.
I’m through that period now, but I still write regularly in my gratitude journal because I have come to love being able to focus on the positive. And the number one feeling I have these days is that of gratitude, making each hour significantly more meaningful and positive.
Would a gratitude journal – or perhaps simply looking at someone’s smile when you see him or her – help you feel as if there were more hours of grace in your life?
The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts January 12th! Learn more here. Use Coupon Code MCO16 for a $32 savings. "Your class had life-changing effects on our marriage. Thank you!"
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts January 12, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
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Willpower
Quote of the Week
“Willpower is like a muscle – it takes practice to get it right, but it also gets tired.”
-Dan Ariely
Willpower
It takes effort to exert willpower, so it makes sense that having to exert willpower for long periods of time would mean that you would tire. This has some implications for both partners in struggling ADHD relationships:
Whenever possible, create situations that require less use of sustained willpower to keep your forward momentum. For example, consider hiring assistance for housework if you can afford it, rather than create a system that requires repeatedly needing to invoke the use of willpower to get things done. Or sign up for an exercise class that meets regularly, so you don’t have to repeatedly make the decision to go to the gym.
Practice building the ‘muscle’ of willpower the same way you would build a regular muscle – start with shorter duration tasks, then move on to longer periods as you find what helps you sustain effort
People who are sleep deprived will find that their willpower lessens more quickly (possibly related to ADHD getting worse with less sleep!)
Noting and celebrating successes has the ability to ‘build up’ depleted willpower. Make sure to celebrate your successes as you have them!
Finally, remember that the task of sustaining effort is significantly harder for most people with ADHD than for non-ADHD partners – by definition.
Are there things you can do to help keep your willpower ‘muscle’ strong?
The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts January 12th! Learn more here. Use Coupon Code MCO16 for a $32 savings. "Your class had life-changing effects on our marriage. Thank you!"
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts January 12 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
© 2015 Melissa Orlov
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