Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 64
May 19, 2016
Adorable?
Quote of the Week
“My husband watches four different sporting events on three different devices while messaging with friends on four different continents. All this multitasking yet he can’t get the baby’s bottle. Thankfully, I think it’s adorable, and I’m glad that he’s such a loyal friend. When we embrace each other’s crazy, we can be who we really are, and our love has an infinite space in which to expand.”
-Dana Fox
Adorable?
I applaud Fox for her selfless support of her husband’s multi-tasking habits. It’s great that she says “we embrace each other’s crazy.” On the other hand, I couldn’t help noticing that she only mentions one baby. What might happen to this relationship with the addition of another child or two? Only time will tell, but if I had to advise this couple I think I would suggest that they continue to embrace each other’s crazy…and make sure that they get enough ‘attend time’ with each other (and without the baby!) so that they don’t lose track of what they so love about each other. That might mean just a little less time multi-tasking with pals on the sofa and just a little more time with Dana.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts in one month - October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
What About Lunch?
Quote of the Week
“It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like “What about lunch?”
- A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
What About Lunch?
My 25-year old sent me this quote because she still loves that ‘silly old bear,’ and so do I! And, as with the best children’s literature, there is often truth in Pooh’s words. In this case, I would like to pose an almost rhetorical question…’To whom would you rather talk? Someone who shares the conversation with you, back and forth, in short ‘paragraphs’ and concise words? Or someone who feels you need a lecture, refuses to ‘share’ the conversation, or talks in circles?’
Are you in a partnership in which one partner dominates conversations? Or where explanations are unnecessarily long or convoluted? Ways to address these unhealthy habits include: limiting your own side of the conversation to 3-4 sentences then handing it off to your partner for comments or ideas; taking time to collect your thoughts before you speak in order to be more concise; asking questions of your partner, and more.
As is always the case, focus on your own habits. If your partner is hard to talk to, suggest you have a (short) conversation to explain what is bothering you and what might help you stay engaged.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
He’s Not Lazy…!
Quote of the Week
“It never occurred to me that there could be some logic behind his habits, not just sheer laziness…”
- Jancee Dunn, in her article for RealSimple Magazine entitled “How to live with a messy person and not go insane”
He’s Not Lazy…!
I smiled when I read this article because Dunn’s husband probably has ADHD, even though that was not stated in the article. But I had somewhat mixed feelings about Dunn’s amazement at discovering that her husband effectively uses piles to ‘store’ things. Same thing happens at our house (in both our offices, though only one of us has ADHD.)
The article was amusing, the moral of the story being “don’t assume your partner thinks or acts like you do.” But I also have to wonder…would it have even been printed if the title had been “How to live with a neat freak and not go insane?” Our society does have a bias towards being efficient and very organized. This can be a good defense against chaos… until it gets in the way of your relationship. I’m glad Ms. Dunn figured out that her husband’s way of doing things isn’t the end of the world just because it’s different than her own. I just wish it weren’t a news-worthy surprise that people do things differently…
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
Hard Work
Quote of the Week
“People think love will help you surpass any obstacle, but it doesn’t. Relationships are hard work.”
- Diane Rehm
Hard Work
Why don’t we tell people this before they get married? And could we really prepare the uninitiated for the very real work that being in a committed relationship entails? But the hard work – done consistently and with love – can pay huge, huge dividends.
And that is why I have my ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples Phone Seminar, my Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship self-study course, my books and all the rest. If you’re willing to put in the effort, it helps to have the tools and knowledge you need to succeed.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Live session starts October 2016 and self-study available for download if you can't wait that long - this 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship and Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship - a 7-session self-study seminar will get you going with critical information, tools and weekly exercises to regain your closeness, dreams, friendship…and yes, improve your love life!
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
Putting on the Brakes?
Quote of the Week
“Emotions are tunnels. You have to go all the way through the darkness to get to the light at the end. And if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you’ll get where you want to go….”
-Emily Nagoski
Putting on the Brakes?
Do you ever feel as if your emotions are all around you, and all encompassing? Perhaps overwhelming? I like the analogy of emotions being like tunnels because it supports what Nagoski suggests – that taking a series of small but forward-moving actions is what can lead to a good outcome.
The reverse is also true – if you put on the brakes and stop in the middle of the tunnel you will remain in the dark. For better or worse, you must traverse the length of the tunnel to get out of that dark place and be healthier. (Some call this ‘completing the cycle of emotions.’)
Fear, anxiety and overwhelm are three emotions that sometimes make it hard to feel as if we can put one foot in front of the other…and yet we need to find the courage to do so. Just one small step at a time – acknowledging the emotion; accepting that it is okay and normal to feel that emotion; sharing it with someone who cares; going through a pain cycle; and various ways of healing are all ways to traverse this tunnel.
Are you putting the brakes on in your most important emotional tunnels? If so, are there small steps you might take to start moving forward in your healing process again?
If you feel caught in the "middle of the tunnel", consider taking my live ADHD Effect In-Depth couples seminar given by phone, starting in October or as a self-study course. It is a unique and excellent resource for changing your relationship for the better…and creating the joy you thought you had lost. Read the testimonials here - it really does change lives for the better!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session starts October, 2016 and the self-study is available for download if you can't wait that long - this eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship; and Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship - a 7-session self-study seminar loaded with critical information, tools and weekly exercises to regain your closeness, dreams, friendship…and yes, improve your love life!
Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD wins 2 book awards!
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
May 16, 2016
Growing Up with ADHD
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 05/16/2016.ADHD Marriage: Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
Want to know what it feels like to grow up with ADHD? This poem, written by one of the members of this site, gives eloquent testimony to the challenges – and strengths – of a childhood with undiagnosed ADHD.
HE WAS A GOOD HORSE
ONCE there was a handsome man knowing not of ADD, who was clad in shiny tin armor, and rode a white steed.
His manner giving, his heart tender & true, but there was something down deep, that felt oddly askew.
When young his uniqueness got him bullied a lot, he’d keep standing back up, “Why Lord why”, “is this my life's lot?”
He was taught not to fight, “a bigger man walks away,” wrapped his humiliation up tight, later on in life he would dearly pay.
Time in Grandpa’s workshop, challenged not his self view. Helping & building things, that, he could do.
No sports, no clubs, little enjoyment in school, when he looked at himself, could see only a fool.
The learning was tough, only just get’n through, “I know I’m not stupid. Why’s this so hard to do?“
In only two subjects could he get an ‘A’, horticulture & ceramics, there his focus could stay.
Confidence he had none, and talent, “what’s that?” “Two Ton Tommy..Hey Moose..’Fumble Fingers’.. You’re fat”
“I know, I’ll build walls, build them high thick & long, to hold back this hurting, that’ll show ‘em I’m strong.”
To God & integrity he held very tight, “I’ll follow the Good Book, that’ll make things alright.
As he grew older, as life went along, he found some peace, some purpose, for others being strong.
Blind leading the blind, Wounded Healer, to him unaware, convinced that this mission shields his heart from despair.
Still all the while, “What’s inside that's not right?” others, just normal, “I HATE shouldering this plight?”
Alas, came a Princess, his heartstrings wove round. A Country Girl Beauty, with moral integrity, so sound.
With swift Loving perception, her inner turmoil he'd see, “Fear Not my Fair Maiden, lay your burdens on me.”
He’d sing love songs and hold her, picking flowers to show, his affection and commitment was ‘meant’ to help healing, grow.
As oft happens on this planet, hurts more hurts can create, His Mother, for him, desired a “Healthy Helpmate.”
He wished he’d not had to, such a choice forced to make, “Leaving and Cleaving” would cost him, his whole family to forsake.
So together, both hurting, start their journey combined, her wounds coming to focus, and his not yet defined.
This man’s experience really moved me – his descriptions of bullying, feeling as if he didn’t fit in and there was something wrong with him…the solace he found with his Grandfather and working with his hands, his empathy (born from years of being the odd man out) for the emotionally injured woman who would become his wife…even the creative way that he expresses himself. He is now on a journey of self-exploration and story change. This is common for people who get diagnosed with ADHD as adults. They look back at their lives through a new lens – and start to reshape the story of their lives.
If you are an adult with ADHD and want to share your story so that others may learn more, please send me a short blog post about it. It’s important for everyone to hear about what it is like to grow up with, and live with, ADHD.
For more comments about living with ADHD, go to What It Feels Like to Have ADHD on my PsychologyToday.com blog.
May 9, 2016
8 Shame Busters for Adults with ADHD
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 05/09/2016.ADHD Marriage: Start hereAnger, Frustration & ADHDCommunication Tips with ADHD
Trying to avoid feelings of shame is only human, but when it comes to adult ADHD, gentle engagement with raw areas can lead to significant gains. But how to do that, when shame feels so bad? These ideas, provided by adults with ADHD, can help both ADHD partners and non-ADHD partners.
The 8 Shame Busters
Assume good will. One ADHD partner noted that he “never assumes malice. I know that my partner does whatever she can to help. And everybody needs to do whatever they can to get better every day.” This fits in with my theory that observably working on the issues associated with ADHD symptoms creates a reservoir of good will in a non-ADHD partner. That partner cannot ask you to do more than try in the best and smartest way you can. Non-ADHD and "other ADHD" partners do well to approach areas that trigger shame responses carefully, making sure not to parent or try to control the ADHD partner. Sharing ideas that sound like criticism or education to affect change in ADHD partners does not help and, in fact, hurt.
Change the narrative. One ADHD partner beats himself up because he finishes about 80% of any project. His partner notes that his amazing ideas and willingness to initiate are what make him so successful. Ned Hallowell notes that there are ‘starters’ and ‘closers’ and often they are not the same people. Trying not to be perfect (in this case both a starter and a closer) is a really good thing. Sometimes journaling about the positive can help remove some of the negative thinking. In this case, focusing on the amazing ideas and accomplishments is more productive than focusing on not being a closer.
Accept. Along that same theme – allowing that you have physiological issues and they ‘just are’ helps a lot. It frees you to stop feeling so much shame, and start working on the issues in whatever way best suits you (in the memory example earlier, for example, accepting that memory issues are a way of life for you – helps you relax and allows you to focus on good things. With a math learning disability I know I’ll never be good at math so I tend to avoid it…but I know I’m a good writer so it doesn’t bother me. Same can happen with aspects of your ADHD.
Get out of parent/child. This remains a poisonous interaction. Couples that are still in it need to ‘reset’ to a non-parent/child relationship. The start to doing this is for non-ADHD partners to internalize this concept “I AM NOT AT ALL IN CONTROL OF MY PARTNER’S ACTIONS OR INTENTIONS AND I NEVER WILL BE. AND ANY TIME I TRY TO BE, I WILL END UP IN A WORSE PLACE WITH MY PARTNER.” This is a critically important concept. Parent/child interactions almost always trigger either shame or anger, or both.
Avoid… Non-ADHD partners should learn where their partner’s pain points are, and simply avoid them. No good comes from hitting a raw nerve, and if there are specific critical phrases you use that are common triggers, make it your responsibility to stop using them. (This is the same concept as avoiding ‘he said/she said’ fights…no good comes out of having them. Ever.)
Don’t Avoid. ADHD partners should stop retreating from the pain points, and acknowledge and accept them, gently learning to live with these areas…the goal would be to both set up support structures to help you get around the area of shame AND to learn to tell yourself ‘I feel this shame/pain now, but if I don’t engage with it, it will dissipate soon enough.”
Get support if it helps. As one partner said, hearing other people’s views and issues is helpful. Reach out to others (including therapists trained in ADHD or in support groups) about shame areas.
Learn to express feelings constructively, so you hold back less. In my Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship self-study course I help couples (and particularly ADHD partners) learn to better identify and then express their own feelings in a way that their partner can understand and hear. This is an important part of being able to deal with your pain and shame – identifying the feelings that lie together with that shame when it is triggered and, once your relationship is calm enough, be able to express and address them.
Think patterns, not individual events. Many non-ADHD partners make the mistake of focusing on individual events or lapses. But think about it. Would you want your partner to comment or get upset every single time you made a mistake? Instead of focusing on individual events, non-ADHD partners should hold back and see if a pattern develops. If it does, then talk about the pattern at a time when the relationship is relatively calm (i.e. not in the middle of a fight.) This is the scenario that is least likely to trigger shame while also most likely to result in meaningful improvement.
A real life example for ADHD partners
Let’s say you feel shame at memory issues. When you forget something (yet again!) you feel shame and beat yourself up about how you should have done better. But if you have mindful awareness of that shame, instead, you can:
Notice your bad feelings
Tell yourself that they will disperse if you don’t engage with them
Create a specific plan or structure to deal (over the long term) with the area creating the shame
Here’s what that plan in step 3 might look like:
Learn to accept that the memory issues are physiological, not some sort of shortcoming in learning on your (the ADHD partner’s) part, and that memory issues will remain. An ADHD partner might gain this acceptance by journaling, mindfulness training, or working with a therapist about the impact of shame in his or her life.
Create a memory structure for yourself – a great calendaring system that you use to stay on task; using workflowy or some other app on your phone to catch fleeting thoughts before they disappear; creating an alarm system to bring important things into the now. Make sure meds you are taking allow enough focus to capture ideas as they happen (if you don’t focus on a conversation at the time, then you have more trouble capturing and remembering it.)
When you experience an emotional pain point, accept that it is there – acknowledge “that’s painful…but if I don’t engage any further with this pain I know it will go away again”
CELEBRATE that you have come to terms with this issue and that you have created ways to deal with it.
You Can Diminish Shame
Shame is a difficult emotion to deal with…but using this combination of approaches can help you learn to move away from it and help your non-ADHD or 'other-ADHD' partner learn to interact more positively in the areas that feel most raw.
May 2, 2016
8 Interactions That Trigger Shame in ADHD Partners
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 05/02/2016.ADHD Marriage: Anger, Frustration & ADHDCommunication Tips with ADHD
ADHD adults often carry a lot of hurt and shame with them. Learn what these shame triggers are and you can significantly improve your interactions. A recent conversation with five adults with ADHD and their partners highlights some of the issues.
The idea behind the conversation was to identify triggers that frequently led to feelings of shame for ADHD partners. Here are a few:
Comments that sound like criticism. Having a partner ask “why did you do that?” is okay when it was thought to be information seeking and a genuine question for clearer understanding, but a real trigger when it comes across as a reprimand. “Why didn’t you…?” can trigger both shame and resentment. Or, another way to put this – any comments that are part of ‘the constant critique’ where non-ADHD partners assess or comment upon whether an ADHD partner is doing things the ‘right’ way.
Memory issues. Many people with ADHD know they have poor memory, so things that remind them of this, or question their poor memory, are difficult triggers. (One ADHD man in the conversation noted that he feels “crestfallen or demoralized” when he forgets something, so to have his partner mention it, or be upset by his memory issues, adds to that.)
Impulsivity. When you’re an adult you, and others around you, expect you to consider what you do before you do it. ADHD impulsivity can lead to feelings of shame. One man noted he feels shame about his impulsivity – he chooses to do something that “comes back to bite him in the behind”…and if his partner mentions his failure it makes him particularly angry at himself or her. He would like to hold himself to a different standard…ADHD symptoms get in the way.
Parent/child interactions can cause deep feelings of shame…even if the ADHD partner initiated the interactions by playing a ‘child’ role. As an example, one woman with ADHD noted her non-ADHD partner was ‘much better a doing things, so I tend to not do them. He is very capable.’ This is a ‘child’ strategy in parent/child interactions that are still going on in this relationship…but when the non-ADHD husband responds with anger or controlling behaviors, it still triggers shame and hurt. (More on this later!)
Money and earning power. One man mentioned that being considered a ‘less than’ earner made him feel awful. He feels he is earning what he can contribute and his wife is no longer the sole bread winner…that her sense that she was ‘supporting’ him were hurtful and demeaning. People with ADHD do sometimes struggle in their careers, but it’s not just ADHD. Sometimes, the personality and interests of one partner simply lead to lower-paying jobs (think teachers, artists, musicians etc. etc.)
Using ‘facts’ to delineate under-performance. Non-ADHD partners often think about sharing ‘facts’ about situations as ‘straight-forward’ or (sometimes) helpful. “You didn’t do the dishes this morning” is, indeed a fact…but it is not news. ADHD partners hear these facts as another critique of something they did wrong and yet another signal of inadequacy.
Not completing tasks. One man noted that for his entire life people have gotten angry with him for not completing tasks. This person is a classic ‘starter’ or entrepreneurial type – with great ideas that others wouldn’t dare enact…but gets to about 80% done and then peters out. Rather than focus on the benefits of being a ‘starter’ he has focused on the negatives of ‘not closing’ or finishing and this generates great shame every time he encounters it.
Not staying organized. Or, as one emergency room doctor put it so eloquently, “if a 4 year old can learn to put his socks in the hamper at the end of the day, why can’t I?”
“Shame trigger points are like raw, exposed nerves.”
One of the most interesting parts of this conversation was just how aware ADHD partners are of their areas of shame - even if they don't share that with non-ADHD partners. One said “an ADD person is very aware of the raw nerve areas…we try to protect and cover them up…but beat ourselves up when these areas are triggered.”
Think about when the dentist hits an exposed nerve…Think about feeling that way about shame...It’s no wonder that once feelings of shame are triggered ADHD partners hurry to lash out, run away, or hide. Non-ADHD partners won’t have a very productive conversation with their partner this way, which means that avoiding triggering shame areas is an important strategy.
What are the triggers of shame and hard feelings in your home? Use this blog post as a way to start a calm conversation about it because learning what these topics are is an important part of changing your interactions.
Next time – strategies to heal or work around shame.
April 22, 2016
10 Tips if You're 40+, ADHD and Single
ADHD may have undermined your last relationship, but it doesn’t have to destroy your future. Here are 10 tips to keep your future healthier and happier:
Your past relationships have been impacted by undiagnosed or unmanaged ADHD but now you know about it - so your future relationships can be quite different. Understand the common patterns outlined in my award-winning books (start with The ADHD Effect on Marriage.) Even though you aren't married, you need to understand the patterns so you can interrupt them before they become a problem in any future relationship. Knowledge is power!
Optimizing your ADHD treatment is critical. Need information on this? Download the two free chapters from The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD at my free online treatment guide. This has the latest on treating adult ADHD.
You will want to make sure you have good communication interactions with any future partner - that means an ability to speak non-aggressively (on the part of both partners) and listen non-defensively. If you have anger management issues, make that a target symptom RIGHT NOW and consider both working with a doctor and exploring mindfulness training to manage them. Big, Big issue that you cannot ignore if you want your future relationships to be happy.
Look for a partner who exhibits a sense of humor, flexibility, and affection. Also, if you can find someone who is not easily triggered by surprises, that will also help. Living with a partner with ADHD is full of surprises (both good and bad, I would like to point out, but surprises none the less!)
'Play' is a big part of sustaining a relationship. Find someone you have fun with and who shares your hobbies and passions...all sorts of research supports the idea that ‘play’ is one of the more important intrinsic motivators in humans (a fancy way of saying that if you can play with someone, you are likely to want to be with them!)
Date for at least 2 years before getting married, to make sure it's not just about extra dopamine you each have while in that initial infatuation stage. Once that dopamine boost ends (around 20-24 months) you will be able to see if you still love to be together and really are compatible
Create a life that you like - if you are stressed out, you will find that your symptoms (and your life) are worse. Joy is an important part of any good relationship
Get enough sleep. Less sleep means more symptoms. Make it a priority to get a MINIMUM of 7 hours a night. 7.5 is supposedly the sweet spot as we age
Exercise very regularly (minimum 5 days a week.) This will help with all sorts of health issues, including controlling ADHD symptoms.
ADHD will come up at some point - don't advertise it but do be open about it. ADHD encourages many positive qualities that can shine through when the symptoms aren’t out of control – creativity, empathy, the ability to feel things deeply, high energy and imagination and more. There are numerous adults who love these qualities. I am one of them. I can think of nothing worse than dating a staid, very reliable, but very boring person.
Remember that there are many great qualities about you. Going through a divorce or a bad break up can be hard on the ego and definitely make you question yourself and your attractiveness. Don't. There are lots of people out there who are looking for a partner who is interesting and can stand on his or her own feet. I bet you have your own (very interesting) opinions, and may be smart and creative. You may be seeking answers and joy in life. You may or may not be an extrovert, but there are potential partners for both.
Still wondering if your next relationship can be better? I would like to 'assign' you some homework to get going (I do this regularly - one of my most irritating traits!)
Homework: Start a journal (hand written or on the computer) and set a reminder to start writing a few ideas a day about these topics (choose at will):
why you are loveable (qualities, actions, who you are on the inside)
what you are grateful for (in life, in general, specific people or actions...anything you are grateful for)
what gives you joy
This reflection will help you get a ‘brain reset’, even rewiring it for the positive, if you keep it up. (I'm not kidding here.)
And, of course, work on the ADHD symptomatic behaviors that you feel most get in your way. Get a coach if you need one to get 'well enough organized' or set up ways to remember things.
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March 25, 2016
9 Ways to End Lying for Good - Lying Part 4
Your partnership includes too many lies – big and small. In three previous posts I’ve written about why this is happening, and how this hurts your relationship. ADHD – and responses to ADHD – can certainly play a role. So what to do? Here are 9 strategies for ending in your relationship:
Get out of parent/child dynamics. The chances that your partner is going to cover up increase exponentially if that partner thinks he or she might ‘get into trouble’ for not following up, forgetting, being late, or doing something impulsive. Since these things are common when you have ADHD, the impulse to cover up is great. But take away the ‘getting in trouble’ part of this dynamic, and the urge to lie diminishes. Reward ADHD partners for transparency by being empathetic to ADHD symptomatic issues, while continuing to seek the best ways the two of you can structure your lives to minimize the impact of ADHD on you both.
Learn ‘conflict intimacy’ skills. In my self-study seminar, Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship, I help couples develop the ability to converse about difficult topics non-aggressively and listen non-defensively. This skillset, called ‘conflict intimacy’ is critical for building trust and strengthening connection and intimacy between you. The stronger your connections, the less likely lying will occur in your relationship.
Optimize treatment for ADHD. There is a good deal of research available about the most effective ways to manage ADHD symptoms (find out what they are in my free chapter downloads for The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD). When the ADHD partner better manages ADHD, he or she becomes more reliable in the relationship – relieving pressure to cover up or lie in order to ‘please’ the other partner. In addition, managing ADHD rebuilds self-esteem – another factor in the fight against lies. Furthermore, it helps to line up ‘target symptoms’ with areas in your life that lead to lying (for example, lying around impulsive spending.)
Keep a lying journal. For the person who is lying and trying to move beyond lying, it can help to keep an online journal (password protected!!) to reflect on when you lied, and why. This can help you track patterns. Note when you were not completely truthful, and why, with questions such as ‘what did I fear when I lied?’ ‘Who was I lying to?’ ‘What was the topic?’ and more. Alternately, an individual therapist can help you explore these same questions.
Make failure a positive in your relationship. Set up your relationship so that it’s GOOD to fail when trying something new to manage ADHD or learning how to manage symptoms. Failure is often both proof of trying and a way to learn how to improve in the future. If failing is okay, and ADHD is simply an open (not heavily ‘loaded’) topic, then the urge to lie lessens dramatically.
Take charge of your financial planning. Lying around money is common in relationships impacted by ADHD. Be proactive in setting up a financial system that works for you both. Often, that means a non-ADHD partner takes charge of bill paying, since this requires repeated drudgery! Some couples use multiple accounts to regulate how much money is available for an impulsive ADHD partner to spend.
Check for, and treat, addictions. Some lying is actually about addictions, and rates of addiction are higher in those with ADHD than those without. Lying about gambling, alcohol, drugs, spending, pornography, sex, and more can really be more about addictive lack of control. If this is what’s going on in your relationship, get appropriate addiction help from a professional and, perhaps, by joining a 12-step program.
Work with a professional. Even if addiction is not an issue, it still often can help to work with a professional counselor to rebuild the trust that has been destroyed through lying.
Trust, but verify. To recover from really big lies (affairs, financial malfeasance, etc.) it helps to really stay on top of the lying partner for a transition period. Talk with a counselor and/or your partner about ways that you might be able to verify that the issue is cleaned up and stays cleaned up.
Want to read more about lying? Here are three more blog posts on the topic:
ADHD, Lying and All that Stuff
7 Reasons Partners Lie…Lying Part 2
4 Ways Lying Hurts the Liar – Lying Part 3
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