Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 61
February 10, 2017
Attention ADHD Adults: 7 Creative (last minute) Valentine's Ideas that Show Your Love
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 02/10/2017.ADHD Marriage: Joy in Marriages with ADHD
Valentines is one of the most difficult holidays for those with ADHD. But even if you're behind the eight ball in planning, here are some creative ways to please your partner.
If you have ADHD, it’s quite possible that you hate what my husband calls the ‘Hallmark Holidays.’ You know them – Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day…holidays on which you are expected to remember to plan ahead and do something very specific for your partner. If you don’t think ahead, it’s hard to catch up. (Ever tried to make a last minute dinner reservation for Valentine’s Day? It’s virtually impossible!)
Here are seven ideas that will help you put a smile on your partner’s face for Valentine’s Day…even if you are starting out late. The idea is to communicate “I am thinking about YOU” and “I care and want to connect”…and to set some reminders for yourself now!
Do something new and challenging: Research suggests that connection is gained the fastest by doing something ‘new and challenging’ with your partner. Not sure what that might be near you? Do some research right now for things like this: a date at a local cross-country skiing area (where you can rent skis); a local dance studio that gives lessons in the Tango; a local art studio that may offer a one day class you could do together; an upcoming local hot and spicy food festival or car show (ONLY if your partner likes cars!!!). It the thing you find isn’t happening on 2/14, make a coupon and put it in a card with small bouquet of flowers.
Instigate a family appreciation effort: If you have kids at home and your partner is more into being appreciated than candlelight dinners, consider enlisting the kids to create a ‘my partner is special’ meal. Kids can bake and decorate cookies (pre-packaged dough works well for this); put candles and flowers on the table; tell your partner ahead of time s/he isn’t cooking if s/he normally does so, and cook or bring in a meal. Add a home-made card (a kid can do this, too!) on which you write something sweet.
Give your partner a “honey-do” coupon…for something s/he really wants done. That, of course, means that you’ll be tasked with doing that thing…so make SURE that’s realistic…else you’ll set yourself up for failure and disappointment. But if you know you can get organized to do something, but just haven’t set aside the time, this can be a meaningful option. Particularly if accompanied by blocking out said time in your calendar…and lots of expressions of love.
Take out by candlelight, a snuggle movie and “I love you”. You’ll know if this one will sound good to your partner or not. In our ‘no muss, no fuss’ household, just having my husband think of this and then order and pick up the take out would be a treat (as I normally cook…) Plus, snuggling up to watch a movie makes us both feel connected. A tip here – let your partner pick whatever movie s/he wants…and NO complaining!!!
Send a bunch of emails or texts. Feb 14 is a work day. So you may not be together for much of the day. Set a reminder in your calendar to send your partner one email an hour that just says something romantic, appreciative or loving.
Don’t confine yourself to Feb 14. We’re celebrating Valentine’s Day on Feb 12 this year – just because we can. Plus, it reinforces that love is more than a day. But if you do this, make sure your partner agrees to the shift. (And a ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ on the 14th would still be a good idea. Again, set an alarm to remind yourself to do this…
Have a different kind of date. Relationship researcher Arthur Aaron created a list of "questions that lead to love.' These are the question equivalent to 'doing something new and challenging' and are a lot of fun to work through; You won't get through them all...but will have fun doing them. Tell your partner you're going to have an evening 'stay-cation' special kind of date, build a fire (or hit the patio with a favorite drink) and have some fun with it. The questions are here, in this New York Times article.
February 3, 2017
ADHD Women's Palooza
Join Melissa Thursday, February 9th for her presentation: How to Have a Calmer, More Connected Relationship. Register for free: https://fn101.isrefer.com/go/palooza2017/morlov/ …
January 20, 2017
Bullet Journals Help Adults with ADHD Stay Organized
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 01/20/2017.ADHD Marriage: Organization
My daughter introduced me to the Bullet Journal – her method for really staying organized. It works…knock me over with a feather!
Unless they are on a white board or some other permanent, obvious place, I’ve noticed that lists often don’t work well as an organizational tool for adults with ADHD. They get covered up by some pile somewhere, or misplaced, or forgotten.
But my 26-year old daughter recently showed me her Bullet Journal that she has been using for a while now to stay really organized. I first noticed it in November when she whipped it out to write down the name of a seasonal beer someone recommended to her that wouldn’t be available for another three weeks but that she wanted to remember to try. (!)
In a nutshell, a Bullet Journal is a notebook that she carries with her everywhere, with a specific but simple organizing system created by a guy named Ryder Carroll. You pick what sections and ideas you like, and create your own journal based upon what you need to organize in your life. It’s brilliantly simple and complete at the same time, provided you are willing to take time at the beginning or end of a day to keep it going. My daughter is artistic, so to create her journal she simply got a nice Moleskin notebook, and artfully started to create the areas she wanted (how to do this is later in this post.)
This journal works for her because:
She carries it with her everywhere - it’s not too large or heavy, so easy to keep in her purse
It’s flexible – she puts information into it in an organized, but also free-form way. She makes lists, but also adds drawings, charts, and lettering to keep it fun to do
Most importantly, she takes about 15- 20 minutes before bed to review what she accomplished, and think about what she will be doing the next day. She crosses items off or moves them forward, thinking about what her priorities are.
This is applying mindfulness, known to help people with ADHD better manage their symptoms, to the daily tasks of living…writ large!
What’s really great for those with ADHD, is that a Bullet Journal is very flexible, so it lets you track EVERYTHING you need to remember – capturing stuff to do in the future, tracking how you are doing against goals (for example whether you are exercising), scheduling projects you need to complete, journaling what you are grateful for on a given day, menu planning…everything you WANT to do, and nothing you don’t. You don’t have to be hyper-organized about HOW you organize (file cabinets for one thing; lists for another; white boards for something else)…you just have to keep your journal with you and keep it up.
I can see myself that this system has dramatically improved my daughter’s ability to manage her life and get done what she needs to get done. I no longer wonder if she will follow up on what she wants to do. It’s incredibly empowering for us both – hence my excitement about it.
For Individuals…
As a system, this is a good system for an individual to use (vs. a family or couple). You have to keep the journal with you all the time, and it’s on paper, so would be almost impossible to share. But it’s easy to see how it could take the strain off of relationships by allowing a partner with ADHD to become more self-organized and, therefore, independently reliable. I could also envision someone taking it to a chore meeting to use as a tool for tracking and coordination with a partner. Could it spell the end to reminders?
How to Start a Bullet Journal
Okay – enough gushing. Bullet Journal has a website that helps you learn how to do it. (Yes, they will sell you a journal, but don’t care if they do…in fact, say you should choose whatever notebook you like best, though they recommend something that lies flat and has a strong cover, since you’ll carry it everywhere.) There is also an article about it in Experience Life Magazine.
And, no, I don’t know the folks at Bullet Journal, and I did not get any compensation for writing this.
December 21, 2016
Feeling Alone? A New Year’s Resolution
Quote of the Week
“What is modern society doing wrong? We’re not connecting with each other.”
- Gary Trudeau
Feeling Alone? A New Year’s Resolution
There is research and more research about the importance of connecting with others in order to stay mentally healthy. So much so, in fact, that Dr. Ned Hallowell calls connection “the other Vitamin C.”
Yet struggling in your marriage can make you feel (and sometimes actually be) really isolated. If this is the case for you, I’m asking you to make a New Year’s resolution to reconnect. You will be the better for it.
That might be connecting with others with similar issues – through my support groups (starting in January); couples seminar (next session starting Jan 18) or in the forum. Or it might be connecting more often with friends, family or to each other in counseling. Or to people you have yet to meet in an exercise class or meditation circle.
Just don’t do this alone!!!
Why not start thinking right now about how you might better connect?
P.S. Couples who wish to take my 8 week couples seminar given by conference call can get $25 off by using the code TIPS17 and pressing “apply” at registration. If you have questions about the course, please contact me.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar, which starts January 18, 2017, has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
Knowledge vs. Power
Quote of the Week
“The best dividends on the labor invested have invariably come from seeking more knowledge rather than more power.”
-Orville and Wilbur Wright
Knowledge vs. Power
The Wright brothers were talking about mechanical power in this quote, but the analogy is still relevant. When ADHD is part of the story there are two types of knowledge you absolutely need - about ADHD and how it impacts relationships…and about each other. The former can be obtained at my site, though my blog posts, my couples’ seminar, my books (The ADHD Effect on Marriage and The Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD), and the forum. The latter is a bit harder to come by.
Partners often assume they ‘know’ their partner’s motivations, when in fact their assumptions are often wildly incorrect. Most often, they have no idea that this is the case. I remember how surprised I was when my husband and I finally started talking about how we came to our various conclusions. His way of thinking is completely foreign to me – though no less valid because of it. With our differences, we didn’t learn the skills needed to have helpful conversations for years. Before that we talked ‘at’ each other, and couldn’t figure out why we both still felt so unheard after all that talk. That’s a shame, because we could have repaired our relationship sooner if we had known a more constructive way to communicate!
Learning Conversations and Conflict Intimacy skills can go a long way to solving this problem. Like any skill set, they need to be practiced. If you want to learn more about both (as well as a lot of other things that can help you radically alter your relationship for the better) consider my upcoming couples tele-seminar that starts January 18, 2017.
I’m offering marriage tip readers a discount of $25 off the price of the seminar. Just use the code Tips17 and click “apply” when you register. If you have questions about the seminar, please contact me.
Give yourselves the gift of a more loving relationship for 2017 and register for my life-changing Jan/Feb couples tele-seminar. In the words of one participant: "Your class has brought a bright ray of hope to our marriage."
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
December 14, 2016
You Can't Change Your Relationship On Your Own
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 12/14/2016.ADHD Marriage: Negotiation and Setting Boundaries
I hear from too many non-ADHD partners who say they have been working really, really hard to ‘compensate’ for ADHD in their relationship, only to end up frustrated and resentful. This outcome makes total sense – you can make changes in yourself and improve things somewhat, but you cannot address the issues that your partner contributes.
I like to visualize it like two people whose feet are stuck in gooey mud. They are holding hands. One partner, who starts working on his or her issues, is able to start to float up out of the muck by improving what he or she contributes to the partnership. Perhaps that includes a gentler approach, or improved ADHD treatment and behavioral control.
But they are still holding hands. So if one partner doesn’t do any work to change the fact that s/he is standing in the muck, the floating partner can only rise up so far. After that, that second partner’s continued progress is held back by the lack of progress of the still stuck partner.
The floating partner will either remain ‘stuck’ or will have to choose to let go or disengage. But, of course, a disengaged relationship is no longer a partnership. So that’s not a great option, either.
There is some good news in all of this. it’s always a good idea to contribute your best self to your relationship. Taking that first step to start ‘floating up’ often has a positive, encouraging effect on the partner who is moving more slowly out of the muck. Furthermore, you can be proud of your ability to change your input into the relationship for the better, which is a lot more desirable than looking back from some future day and seeing yourself as an angry partner or someone who had a chance to manage ADHD symptoms and chose to deny the need to do so, instead. (Eventually, once you know about ADHD, you are likely at some point to want to manage the symptoms better…why not make that NOW, before your partnership becomes a casualty of the delay?)
So, if you are a non-ADHD partner who has unsuccessfully labored under the idea that if you just work hard enough, you can ‘make’ the relationship change, take a breather for a moment. Rather than work alone, make a plan for how to gently and non-aggressively approach your partner to request assistance. This can take some lengthy lobbying, but your best bet for progress is when both of you are involved.
Need help convincing your partner managing ADHD symptomatic behaviors is important? Consider my live couples seminar, given by conference call. Let me do the heavy lifting for you.
November 18, 2016
Are You Having an Emotional Affair? Is Your Partner Having an Emotional Affair??
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 11/18/2016.ADHD Marriage: Melissa's Favorite PostsNegotiation and Setting Boundaries
Couples impacted by ADHD often must deal with the question of emotional affairs. This post will help you explore emotional affairs for couples impacted by ADHD, including providing hard data about the incidence of emotional affairs for adult couples impacted by ADHD. The best way to start the conversation is to ‘hone in on it’ by looking at ‘definitely’ and ‘definitely not’ scenarios.
Yes - Definitely an Emotional Affair
You’re met someone whom you think is really great, and to whom you are attracted physically or emotionally, or both. You feel you have a lot in common, and find yourself thinking about that person when you are not together, wondering what they might think about something that just happened, or wanting to share what just happened to you. You might text them to share fun things, or create ways to run into each other. You find yourself sharing your concerns and feelings about your current relationship because they provide you a sympathetic ear, or being the shoulder that person cries on about his or her relationship. The engagement with this person replaces engagement you should be having with your own partner.
Yes – Also Definitely an Emotional Affair
You are feeling lonely in your own relationship or are suffering from a real struggle there. You know that you should be working on fixing things, but you just don’t have the energy…and, besides, this other person is so much nicer to talk to…more appreciative, someone who really ‘gets’ you. Your conversations with this other person highlight what you are missing in your own relationship and, rather than using that insight to go back and work it out with your primary partner, you start longing to be with that other person. Your relationship with this affair partner makes your current relationship feel even worse and makes you lose interest in engaging with your partner, even though your friendship is not sexual.
No – Definitely Not an Emotional Affair
You are struggling in your primary relationship and you share this with someone you care about, who acts as a sounding board. As you talk with this person you start to feel better or your thoughts coalesce around what you need to do. You re-engage your primary partner with purpose, and may even share that you had talked with that other person and it was helpful for you as a way to clarify your thoughts. You think of this person as a close friend, but feel no unusual attraction to him or her.
No – Also Definitely Not an Emotional Affair
You work with a lot of people, and often have to work late. There are, of course, people whom you enjoy and sometimes have to work late with. Your partner is concerned about this, but even if you notice that one of them has singled you out as someone special, you are careful to communicate boundaries to that person. You don’t meet with them one on one, for example, or you simply tell them that you are in a committed relationship and are careful not to cross personal lines as both you and your partner find the idea of doing so upsetting. You redirect the conversation when it gets too personal, focusing on shared hobbies and work, instead.
Emotional Affairs – The Bottom Line
With an emotional affair there is a ‘tug’ that you know, if you are honest with yourself, shouldn’t be there. There is a ‘lightness’ and eagerness to be with a person that you don’t feel with others who are just friends. And a hallmark of emotional affairs is that they interfere in your current relationship – either right now, or having the potential to do so in the future.
How Common Are Emotional Affairs?
Emotional affairs are common, according to research with about 3,000 ADHD and non-ADHD adults in ADHD-impacted relationships done by Ari Tuckman. Partners with ADHD have more of them than those without, which makes sense. It can be difficult for those with ADHD to put off something that feels good today for the purpose of a longer term goal (i.e. keeping your relationship intact.) BUT, those without ADHD are also having a good number of emotional affairs in these often struggling relationships. In the research, Tuckman defined an emotional affair as being involved with another in a way that would have made your partner uncomfortable. Here are the numbers:
Percent of Group Having Had an Emotional Affair While in a Committed Relationship
Women with ADHD: 49%
Women without ADHD: 36%
Men with ADHD: 43%
Men without ADHD: 25%
Do I Need to Worry About My Partner?
I’m a big believer in giving one’s partner the benefit of the doubt. After all, just because we fear something doesn’t mean it’s true. That said, my experience has been that your gut instincts are often helpful in understanding whether or not a partner may be cheating either emotionally or physically. In fact, your gut may indicate something isn’t right even before your brain is ready to acknowledge it.
The issue is that affairs of all sorts tend to happen when couples are distressed. So you may not be in the best place to bring something like this up. Do so, anyway. But be careful to talk about your own feelings rather than to focus on blame. You want your partner to understand and empathize with your concerns, not run and hide from accusations that may or may not be true.
What kinds of things might signal an affair? Here are just a few – a sudden increase in texting, Facebook or Instagram posting; a sudden improvement in general mood coupled with a decrease in engagement with you; more nights out than has historically been the case, or a dramatic shift in a pattern that has been steady for many years. (As an example, the first time I realized my husband was having a physical affair was when two shifts happened in the same night – for the first time in over 2 decades he declared he was too tired to drive home from work in CT, which he had previously done no matter the time, and when I called him back to ask him about that, his cell phone was turned off – again, something he NEVER did. The alarm bells rang.) Other signs are that your partner suddenly loses patience with you; stops being willing to listen to your feelings when s/he previously did so; or starts to bring you unexpected gifts for the first time and you wonder if they are out of guilt.
Talking about someone at the office doesn’t necessarily indicate an affair – in fact you want your partner to talk about his or her experiences at the office. But talking about them in a way that is illogical or outside the norm of many years of conversations, should make you pay attention.
Finally, take the relationship context into account – if you are both really struggling, the chances of an affair increase. If things are good between you and both seem genuinely happy, it’s not as likely…even if you do harbor concerns.
What to Do if You Suspect Your Partner is Having an Emotional Affair
Don’t panic. And don’t attack. These are likely to send your partner into defensive mode whether or not he or she is having an emotional affair. Instead, explain that you are nervous, and why. Be calm. Stay focused on you and your feelings, rather than your partner’s actions. See how your partner responds. If s/he takes your concerns seriously, and offers to change up the interactions with the person in question to create specific boundaries, you likely have nothing to worry about. It is also helpful if your partner is willing to have a continuing conversation about the topic and/or offers up suggestions that might help ease your concerns. A few of these that I have seen work include getting a GPS tracking system on your phones so you know that your partner is really at the office when s/he says s/he is; unfriending the person in question on digital media; and letting you meet that person so you can judge for yourself the type of relationship they share.
If your partner insists you are crazy, this assertion will not calm you. You may wish to seek couples counseling so a third party can help the two of you negotiate the hurt and concerns you are feeling. It is important to work this one out carefully but thoroughly. Otherwise your fears and anxiety color all of the interactions you start to have. Simultaneously, you may wish to explore self-calming exercises such as deep breathing so that when you do feel the anxiety creep in you can address it. There is not much worse than that awful ‘bottom of your stomach falling out’ feeling when you are concerned about your partner’s loyalty.
Finally, if you think there is an emotional affair, or you find out that there really is one, look towards your relationship. These things don’t happen in a vacuum. Usually, they indicate deep dissatisfaction and a need for significant improvements. Look to yourself to see how you might change your own patterns in your relationship, while asking your partner to engage with you around creating a happier life together.
November 16, 2016
Sleep Issues? Bedtime Wars? ADHD-Impacted Couples CAN Reconnect at Night
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 11/16/2016.ADHD Marriage: Communication Tips with ADHDDiagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
People with ADHD commonly have significant sleep issues, and couples impacted by ADHD often have radically different sleep schedules, with the ADHD partners being night owls and sometimes sporadic sleepers, and exhausted non-ADHD partners often falling into bed at a very early hour. Here’s how ADHD-impacted couples can do much better in this area.
First, Why is Sleep Important…and How Do You Get More?
Tara Parker-Pope, the leader of the excellent “Well” blog, has put together a really excellent overview of the science around sleep and getting more sleep. She reviews the physiology of why sleep is so important, and how to get better sleep. In addition to what she writes, know that sleep is particularly important for those with ADHD, as sleep deprivation (anything under 7 hours for adults) contributes to a significant increase in the severity of ADHD symptoms. I don't need to reinvent the wheel...go to this link for the latest on sleep.
And with ADHD? The Actions that Lead to the Bedtime Wars
Bedtime is an important time to connect for many couples, as it is sometimes the only time when kids are asleep and you have a chance to just focus on each other. But choices and habits around this time of day mean that couples can end up in the bedtime wars. Typical reasons include:
Night owl ADHD partners choose to take advantage of the quiet to get work done – but by doing so are putting work ahead of their relationship or partners
ADHD partners might lose track of time while relaxing (watching tv, working on hobbies) and not make it to bed. If non-ADHD partners remind them, that’s parenting.
One partner feels it’s not important to go to bed together, while the other one views this as prime couple time
Exhausted non-ADHD partners simply can’t stay awake longer to wait up for night-owl partners, but this may add to resentment about ADHD partners being able to pay attention to whatever is importat at night, though not chores and other 'helpful' tasks
Sometimes, ADHD partners intentionally avoid going to bed until after the non-ADHD partner is asleep in order to avoid difficult conversations or cuddling with someone who has recently hurt them with parenting behaviors. My husband admits did this for a while, though at the time he would have told you it was because he had so much work.
Why Night is So Important
Forget about sex for a moment. Night is important for couples because it is one of the few times of the day in which partners can interact with fewer distractions. This is critical in households impacted by ADHD, and in every household that is busy. That means YOURS! Every couple needs ‘attend time’ in their relationship – time when they are just the two of them and can feel loved – and before bed is prime time for that. At night, 'attend time' might mean talking about the good things in their day or in each other. It might mean reading quietly next to each other or meditating together to have a calm finish to the day. It might mean cuddling or sex. The bedroom is a place for positive interactions of all kinds…but you have to both be there for any interaction to happen.
Sacred Bed Time
Try this way of getting past the bed time wars - I call it ‘sacred bed time.’ It is based in the premise that this time of day is simply too important for couples to give up, so you need a new way to approach it that respects your physiological ‘time clock’ differences.
Go up to get ready for bed at either a time you agree to or whenever the earlier to bed person goes up.
Both get ready for bed, and do something positive together that you enjoy
When the earlier-to-bed person gets ready to turn out the lights, the later-to-bed person can either stay and go to sleep or get back out of bed to go do something else.
Simple, right? But a very big deal if you have been missing this chance to connect. By observing 'sacred bed time', both partner’s choices and ways of being are respected AND you get time to connect with each other.
November 3, 2016
Love and Presence
Quote of the Week
“What I mean by love is the capacity of a person to be fully present with another person or a situation or an environment.”
- Subagh Singh Khalsa
Love and Presence
A couple of summers ago I took one meditation session with Subagh Singh Khalsa, then had to stop because I was too busy. (The irony of this is not lost on me!) But his words about expressing love and being mindful in the present moment really moved me.
His words above outline one of the key challenges for couples impacted by ADHD – if love is the capacity of a person to be fully present with another…and ADHD is often about distraction, or not being fully present, how do each of you adequately communicate your love in a way that your partner can ‘hear’?
My answer to that is to learn that the distraction of ADHD is not personal, but that it is hurtful if left unchecked. ADHD partners must take responsibility for this dynamic and learn how to create enough pockets of intentional and full focus on their partner so that the partner feels loved. AND, non-ADHD partners need to learn that any particular moment of distraction doesn’t mean ‘I don’t love you…’ it means ‘I’m distracted at the moment.’ Non-ADHD partners feel better loved when they can be flexible and empathetic about distraction while ADHD partners ALSO create enough ‘attend time’ that the halo of this attention lasts through periods of distraction.
Typically this means scheduling time to attend to each other (clearing your lives of all other distractions for blocks of time); pursuing shared hobbies and passions together; creating small but meaningful (and repetitive) rituals with each other; and learning ‘conflict intimacy’ skills (see my Recovering Intimacy course for this one – it’s too long to explain here!)
Can you shore up these elements in your relationship?
Lost those loving feelings? Want them back? My next Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts March 28th. Register here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. Next live course begins March 28th.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
Being Open
Quote of the Week
“Meditation practice is neither holding on nor avoiding; it is settling back into the moment, opening to what is there.”
-Jack Kornfield
Being Open
Opening up to the present moment is something at which I didn’t used to be very good. Instead, I dreamed, planned, and sometimes, worried. I brooded over what I had already done and how I might improve upon it.
Those things aren’t bad on their own – in fact, they can be a useful tool for learning. But over the years I have taught myself to also be able to savor each day. This was partially out of self-defense. Two members of the household with ADHD lived mostly in the present. To not have that skill when I needed it put me at a disadvantage. Having cancer also helped. When you face something that big, you realize that a lot of what we worry about isn’t really worth the effort. (Everyone who has had cancer says this – and yet the rest of the world continues to worry, worry, worry.)
So now, I live my life with a spirit of adventure. Opening up to what is around me – savoring it, and being grateful for what is there right then. Think of it as an expanded vocabulary – I can still worry if I really need to…I just choose to be happy in the present as my default. This shift in my attitude has had a marvelous effect on my marriage and my husband.
To enjoy the present moment more, consider starting a gratitude journal. Leave it by your bedside and write three sentences each day starting with the words “I am grateful for…” It’s a great way to spend just a bit more time thinking about your present moment.
It's Not Too Late - My next live 8 week couples seminar - given by conference call - starts TONIGHT - January 18th AT 8:30PM ET! Register here. Each session is recorded, so if you miss this one or live overseas, you can easily stay caught up.
Don't miss this opportunity to give yourselves the gift of a more loving relationship for 2017.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
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