Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 62
November 3, 2016
Where I Needed to Be
Quote of the Week
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”
- Douglas Adams
Where I Needed to Be
I suspect your life, like mine, has included some very unexpected twists. While I don’t believe in any divine purpose (at least not for me individually) I am satisfied that my life is taking me to a place I needed to be. I am grateful for so much that I have had and experienced – wonderful family, great adventures…and also deep pain, health issues – ALL of it has combined to make me strong and ready to help others.
My husband and I both look back on our struggles and think that while it was really very ugly at times, we are both lucky. And, we got to our era of happiness together – in spite of times when that seemed as if it would be impossible. As a friend recently said, ‘what a great life you’ve crafted together!’
‘Crafted’ is a good word. It took lots of effort on both our parts, in order to get ourselves to a place we wanted to be. Often, that effort was sheer will of behaving as our ‘best selves’ even when we wanted to hurdle a brick at our partner’s head.
Have you grabbed the twists and turns of your life to craft the life you want? Contributing your ‘best self’ to your relationship to get where you need to be?
Starting NEXT WEDNESDAY Jan 18th! Give yourselves the gift of a more loving relationship for 2017. In exactly ONE week - my live 8 week couples seminar - given by conference call - starts!
Get $25 off by using the code TIPS17 and pressing “apply” at registration. Questions? On the fence? Please contact me.
"We learned more from you in 1 session than all the others in ongoing [$$$] therapy. You have crossed our paths at a very necessary time in our lives." Read testimonials here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
Feeling vulnerable?
Quote of the Week
“Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings…To (fear vulnerability and) foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.”
-Brene Brown, in Daring Greatly
Feeling vulnerable?
Some of the most exhilarating moments of our lives are when we are also vulnerable – that first declaration of love, for example…or bringing home that really, really tiny first baby as a newly minted parent. We remember these moments precisely because they are, as Brown suggests, moments of intense emotions.
Struggling couples often make themselves less vulnerable to avoid pain. But in so doing, they also box off their ability to feel the intense positive feelings that can come with putting ourselves out into a new place in the world. We risk shutting down and becoming flat…or simply miserable.
Go ahead – reach out. Make yourself vulnerable and available to all of the life that is happening around you. You might do that outside your relationship, or with your partner…with the help of a therapist if you are ‘stuck.’ But don’t hide. You will miss out on life if you do.
My next live 8 week couples seminar - given by conference call - starts January 18th! Don't miss this opportunity to give yourselves the gift of a more loving relationship for 2017.
Regular readers - get $25 off by using the code TIPS17 and pressing “apply” at registration. If you have questions about the course, please contact me.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar, which starts January 18, 2017, has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
Memory
Quote of the Week
“I have the memory of an etch-a-sketch”
- Jane Pauley
Memory
I admire Jane Pauley for so many reasons – her balance and fortitude, her grace under pressure, her sense of humor, and her publicly acknowledging her BiPolar Disorder to name just a few!
What I loved about this quote, when I heard it, was her acceptance of her memory issues and sense of humor. Clearly, poor memory hasn’t slowed her down – and it doesn’t need to slow you down, either. Isn’t it nice to hear someone talk about a problem they have with humor and then moving on?
Give yourselves the gift of a more loving relationship for 2017 and register for my life-changing Jan/Feb couples tele-seminar. In the words of one participant: "What I am most excited about is that I have my best friend back again! Thank you!"
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
Give It Away
Quote of the Week
Love only means something when you give it away.”
-Laura Fitzgerald
Give It Away
When we struggle in our relationship it is easy to move to a place where we compartmentalize and withdraw in order to protect ourselves. Holding onto (or losing) feelings of love, rather than giving it away.
I NEVER suggest that people should be stupid about how they give their love. You should not, for example, go back again and again to a person who physically beats you and try to change this experience by offering more love. Run the other way, instead! But the more typical scenario is that partners who have loved well in the past withdraw under the pressure of their current dysfunction. And that withdrawal feeds further isolation and relationship troubles.
It is one of the marvels of love that it grows stronger and makes our lives better when we give it away…over and over again. Giving your love even when you are struggling can make you feel vulnerable. But the risk is worth taking, for only when you give love will your relationship bloom.
How are you giving away your love? And are those around you aware of how you give your gift of love?
Plan now for the new year:
3 support groups start in January for couples, ADHD partners and non-ADHD partners.
Jan/Feb '17 ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar Registration is OPEN.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Live session starts January 2017 and self-study available for download - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
Better Together
Quote of the Week
“Life is better when we’re together…”
-Jack Johnson
Better Together
It’s no secret that my husband and I struggled greatly for many years. And yet the other day I found myself texting “life is better when we’re together” to him as he was complaining of a hard week out of town on business. It made me want to write to all of you and remind you that though it doesn’t happen for every couple, your life can change dramatically when you both finally understand how ADHD – and responses to ADHD - impact your relationship. I see this transformation regularly.
How? The most important part is getting to a point where the two of you can discuss ANY issue without either aggression or defensiveness. Reasonably, charitably, and with respect. The path to get there is, in a nutshell:
1. Educate yourselves well about ADHD and responses to ADHD. Your partnership is not like those of your neighbors
2. Don’t blame your partner. Own your symptoms, anger and other issues you contribute to the relationship. Focus on fixing yourself.
3. To ‘fix’ yourself, use strategies known to help couples impacted by ADHD
4. Make it so you can contribute your best, most respectful self. Seek great ADHD-savvy treatment, therapy, coaching, seminars…whatever it takes to make you a good partner in every way. This is HARD – you don’t have to do it on your own.
5. Stay respectfully engaged, rather than disengaging.
6. Choose love and empathy over frustration. For yourself and your partner. Seek the positive every day.
7. As things improve, consciously make time for joy, laughter, and attending to each other your number one priority.
This sounds simplistic. But think about your relationship and feelings…it’s not easy. So why not start at the beginning, and learn everything you can about how ADHD impacts adult relationships?
A great place to start... if you haven’t read them, are my two books, The ADHD Effect on Marriage and The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD. Another good place to start is in the adult support groups - 3 different support groups start in January for couples, ADHD partners and non-ADHD partners.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
Dirty Hands
Quote of the Week
“Never throw mud: you can miss the target, but your hands will remain dirty.” - Dorothy Parker
Dirty Hands
By the time many couples find me they are superb mud slingers. They are angry, frustrated and intent on ‘telling the truth’ about the relationship. Which, inevitably, translates into dumping on their partner.
But this misses one huge point. The more mud you throw, the dirtier your hands will likely get. The non-ADHD partner who screams at an ADHD partner to get his or her attention is seen as being an unreasonable or angry person rather than as just being angry at that moment…and someone to avoid.
I urge partners to ‘contribute your best self’ to the relationship because by doing so they can be viewed by their partner as a person who is worth working things out with. Just as importantly, they will be able to look back on their behavior with pride.
Nov 10 - TOMORROW - The first of ten sessions of ongoing coaching and community for managing ADHD - ADHD partner support and coaching group.
Nov 11 & 12 - CHADD International Conference, Costa Mesa, CA - Melissa will be presenting.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
Enjoying the Present Moment
Quote of the Week
“There would seem to be nothing more obvious,
more tangible and palpable than the present moment.
And yet it eludes us completely.
All the sadness of life lies in that fact.”
-Milan Kundera, quoted in the novel, Beautiful Ruins
Enjoying the Present Moment
When it comes to living in the present moment, people with ADHD are to be envied. This is how most of them live – often to the exclusion of planning for the future or (sometimes) remembering well the past.
But what happens if you take some time to not only be in that present moment, but learn to celebrate it, as well. And, for non-ADHD partners…let go of the other, non-present moments.
There is joy in this sort of living. Living this way ALL the time can cause problems if you don’t have a really great support system (i.e. not paying taxes because you are too busy being in the moment doesn’t turn out well unless someone else does them for you…) and ADHD ‘living in the now’ vs. non-ADHD partner ‘planning’ is one of the main sources of friction in ADHD/non-ADHD partnerships. The non-ADHD partner gets to pick up all the non-joyful stuff.
BUT, it is my experience and observation that non-ADHD partners don’t live in the present moment enough. They miss lots of opportunities to celebrate life as they struggle to keep up with the never-ending ‘to do’ list and try to meet a host of commitments.
My suggestion to non-ADHD partners is to give yourself permission to celebrate the moment more often…to just enjoy what is coming at you and ‘get on board’ with some of the more fun family chaos. Pick and choose those chores that must (truly) take you away from the joy to be had in the moment.
And for ADHD partners? Think about creating a structure that allows you to help out more so your partner can more easily share in your joyous times.
Nov 10 - Start date for the ADHD partner support and coaching group.
Nov. 12 - CHADD International Conference, Costa Mesa, CA - Melissa will be giving one presentation on Friday and two on Saturday
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2016 Melissa Orlov
October 17, 2016
Support Groups for Adults Impacted by ADHD Starting This Week
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 10/17/2016.
Tools for adults with ADHD and for partners of adults with ADHD are important for managing the issues that come up in relationships impacted by ADHD. A very useful tool for this can be support groups, and I'm happy to announce that we are sponsoring some of these. These tele-support groups start October 20 and 21 (one just for individuals with ADHD and another just for partners of individuals with ADHD.) They are run by phone so that you can participate from anywhere.
At this time, I'm not leading them, but Jill Corvelli is (see her bio on this page) She has plenty of experience with both partners with ADHD and those without.
If you are looking to discuss the things that concern or confuse you about your relationship, who better to do it with than others who 'get it' and a professional skilled in helping those impacted by adult ADHD? Go to this link to find out more...
October 1, 2016
October is ADHD Month - Build Your Knowledge of ADHD
Submitted by cveal on 10/01/2016.
October is ADHD Awareness Month, which means there are some excellent programs going on that can get you more information about ADHD and introduce you to some of the other experts in the field.
Two of the best are the ADHD Expo and ADDA’s TADD talks and both are free. Tara McGillicuddy, who manages ADDClasses.com (the best place to find lectures about many different ADHD topics for a small subscription fee) will interview 35 experts about ADHD during her ADHD AWARENESS EXPO from October 2 – 8. Topics are wide-ranging…here are just a few samples:
Coach Cameron Gott – Breaking Free from Urgency
Dr. Russell Ramsay – Better Understanding ADHD Thinking
Jodi Sleeper-Triplett – Connecting with Your ADHD Teen
Dr. Ari Tuckman – Time Management
Dr. David Nowell – ADHD and Anxiety
You get the idea – lots of experts and lots of quick introductions (about 15 minutes each) to ADHD-related topics (I’m talking about Better Communication for Couples on Friday, Oct 7 at 7pm…date night???!) Go to this link to register (free) for the ADHD Expo.
The TADD Talks are an even quicker intro to ADHD topics – 9 minutes long – and one is released each day via your email (register here), Twitter, Facebook, etc. Click this link for a primer podcast feed. Again – lots of experts talking about their particular area of expertise. Dr. Ned Hallowell opens today, October 1 with a talk on the positive side of ADHD. I follow on October 2 with a talk about “The Elephant in the Room: ADHD and Your Relationship.” Two more great experts talk about their areas of expertise shortly after:
Elaine Taylor-Klaus on Parenting when you have ADHD
Ari Tuckman on Sex Matters even more for couples with ADHD
Ari did a big survey last year on sex and ADHD relationships which identified some very interesting information.
Finally, I do want to remind you that my live couples phone seminar is coming up soon – October 13 is the start date. In 8 sessions you will have full access to ask me all of your questions, learn a ton about how to manage ADHD in your relationship and (if you are like many other couples who have taken the course) start to turn your relationship around.
I hope you’ll join in learning more about ADHD during ADHD Awareness Month!
September 13, 2016
Donald Trump is a Narcissist. Your Partner with ADHD Probably is Not
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 09/13/2016.ADHD Marriage: Start hereAnger, Frustration & ADHD
I cannot tell you how often I have had a non-ADHD partner contact me and say something such as “I have a partner with ADHD who is also a narcissist.” Sometimes, a therapist (who usually doesn’t know much about ADHD, once I probe) has suggested this, as well. Though your partner seems self-absorbed, it is likely not narcissism, and with the right approach it usually CAN be addressed within your relationship.
Why It’s Probably Not Narcissism
An article in the June, 2016 issue of The Atlantic gave one of the best descriptions of narcissism I’ve seen: “Highly narcissistic people are always trying to draw attention to themselves. Repeated and inordinate self-reference is a distinguishing feature of their personality…people with strong narcissistic needs want to love themselves, and they desperately want others to love them too – or at least admire them, see them as brilliant and powerful and beautiful, even just see them, period. The fundamental life goal is to promote the greatness of self, for all to see.” And, yes, the article was about Donald Trump…with good reason. He is a textbook narcissist.
While some people with ADHD may also be narcissists, for the most part this description does not fit. In fact, many with ADHD have low self-esteem and do not grandstand for attention. They may be defensive, forget to do things they promise, talk about themselves or (and this is particularly common) be living somewhere inside their head…but they are not usually classically narcissistic.
What Is It, Then? My Partner Seems to Pay Attention Mostly to Himself
It is fair to say that many with ADHD are “self-oriented.” By this, I don’t mean selfish – though it might come across this way when combined with a struggling relationship and poor management of ADHD symptoms. What I mean is that they are often somewhere inside their heads…often quite contentedly. They can be completely engaged in something such as work on a computer, thinking through an exciting problem, or with doing a flurry of seemingly unrelated things. Or they might be distracted by the many thoughts running through their head. Or spending a lot of time trying to get their brain to do what they want it to do (such as be more organized, etc.) None of these have much to do with their partner.
Sometimes this internal focus is a good thing. When my daughter was younger, for example, she could play very contentedly for hours and hours by herself – absorbed in a world she created with toys and in her head. My non-ADHD son, on the other hand, doesn’t have such skill at being contentedly on his own.
There is a lot going on in the head of a person who has ADHD. Even if you have the distractible version of ADHD, that brain is very, very fast – with thoughts darting here and there, often with little order or hierarchy. One past seminar participant described it as a “popcorn brain.” A friend once called it “the Library of Congress with no card catalogue.” Both make the point – in order to use that type of brain it takes a lot of energy and effort. That energy is directed inward – to where the energetic thoughts are happening and need to be corralled.
Living Well with ADHD
Couples who live successfully with ADHD learn that this self-orientation is okay – it’s part of taming an ADHD brain. But that time spent inside oneself does need to be offset by enough of what I call “attend time” if the other partner is to feel well-loved. Attend time is the time the two of you schedule to spend together that specifically communicates your love to each other. That might be a date for two, a morning walk and talk, bike riding together and chatting, sex, talking about your dreams, nurturing a garden together…there are many ways to be together where you end up feeling closer.
Even if your partner is inwardly focused much of the time (as is my husband), if you have enough meaningful time scheduled to pay attention to each other and communicate your appreciation and love for each other, you will still probably have a loving, fulfilling relationship.
But if the ADHD partner does not have the ADHD symptoms well managed, is often ‘escaping’ from the demands of the non-ADHD partner or resistant/defiant, and the non-ADHD partner feels lonely and abandoned, then you have the combination that starts getting the non-ADHD partner resentfully describing the ADHD partner as ‘narcissistic.’ Unmanaged ADHD symptoms, plus ADHD self-orientation, is a bad combination.
What to Do
As with many things about ADHD, it’s helpful to understand what’s going on. Depersonalizing the ‘self-orientation’ of an ADHD partner often provides a path for the other partner to be more empathetic. That empathy, in turn, can lead to working together to vastly improve your situation.
The bottom line is this – this is an explanation, but not an excuse. For a relationship to be successful, both partners must understand they are loved…having a brain that is noisy and fast doesn’t give the ADHD partner permission to be so self-oriented that he or she ignores their partner. Rather, it means ADHD adults and their partners must be particularly vigilant about creating attend time. Here are some simple approaches that can make a big difference:
As a couple, create a way to let the ADHD partner know you are feeling ‘left out’ or that you would like more attention that doesn’t feel like a criticism. "I'm feeling a bit lonely" is better than "you're not paying enough attention to me"
Schedule blocks of ‘attend time’ – DON’T leave this to chance or wait for it to just happen – it won’t. Make sure you have at least one block of several hours at least once a week
Improve your self-intimacy skills. It’s particularly helpful when ADHD partners learn to better express what is going on in their head, helping their partners feel less left out (for more on this, see my course on Recovering Intimacy)
Make sure ADHD treatment is optimized – see my online treatment guide for information on this
Remember, being self-oriented in order to tame the ADHD brain is not the same thing as being narcissistic. Once you understand the difference, the two of you can change the hurtful dynamic you've had in the past and reinforce your love for each other. If your relationship has other significant problems that interfere with feeling loved (and it may!) please don't despair! Consider taking my live couple's course that I give by phone three times a year. In it you will get to ask me all of your questions about your own relationship, learn a TON of information about how to effectively improve your relationship, find out the latest on treating ADHD, and more. It's a great resource that has helped many, many couples.
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