Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 58
July 13, 2017
Affairs and All That
Quote of the Week
“So often the intoxicating ‘other’ that people discover in an affair is not a new partner, it is a new self."
- Esther Perel
Affairs and All That
I was struck by this quote because it hits at the heart of why many people in chronically struggling relationships seek affairs. It’s not about disliking their partner. It’s about having a hole in your feelings about yourself. By providing adoration without strings attached, affair partners may help adults recover their self-esteem and sense of self.
This was the case in the affairs in my own relationship – both my husband and I reached out to others when we simply couldn’t find any other way to feel ‘whole.’
Both ADHD and non-ADHD partners have affairs. Finding out your partner is having one is simply crushing. But for some couples, an affair can also be a wake up call in which the affair puts the need to look much more closely at the weaknesses in the primary relationship. If you are up to the task, this necessary but painful process can provide an opportunity for significant growth.
That said, if you are contemplating an affair, I recommend that you first talk with a counselor and explore how you have lost yourself in your relationship and how you might uncover the ‘new self’ you seek without the pain and trauma of an affair.
I can say, without a doubt, that finding out about my husband’s affair(s) has been the singly most painful experience of my life. Now that I’ve been on both sides I would never, ever, impose that pain on another. So please know that I am NOT suggesting you consider having an affair as a way to change your relationship. Only that if faced with one, it’s possible that growth can occur.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live course begins October 3rd, and the self-study version is available anytime.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
You’re Right
Quote of the Week
“Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right”
- Hallowell NYC Center wall
You’re Right
Research in psychology and behavioral science clearly shows us that how we think about our situation – and our future – impacts what happens next. In fact, fMRI scans demonstrate that our outlooks impact the actual wiring of our brains. When we practice mindfulness, for example, the parts of our brain that reinforce the positive and optimism become stronger.
In relationships impacted by ADHD, thinking you can or can’t is critically important. If you convince yourself that past struggles will always continue because that’s been the pattern in the past (before you knew how to handle ADHD and responses to ADHD) then little progress will be made. Every positive change will be discounted as an aberration, rather than as a move towards a brighter, and better, future. Eventually, the idea that ‘we can’t do this’ will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Instead, choose to stay open to the positive. Non-ADHD partners do best when they learn to say ‘thank you’ and ‘I noticed that!’ ADHD partners thrive when they think “I may have fallen short of my goal right now, but I CAN do this!” Celebrate small victories, and don’t interpret the inevitable stumbles as an indication that change is impossible.
Yes, you can!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
July 11, 2017
How to Improve Memory if You Have ADHD
Start hereDiagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
Though it may seem counter-intuitive, we've known for a while that the claims that 'scientifically developed' brain games can help improve memory are false. Instead, what they do is improve your skills at taking certain types of tests - specifically the ones in the brain training tasks. When it comes to ADHD treatment, ADHD-specific research shows the same results. While one improves at doing the specific skills in the training (such as reciting numbers backwards), there is no 'transfer' to other tasks, or overall improved memory. An article in this week's Washington Post provides the most recent research overview.
This is sad news for those of us seeking ways to address the very real issues that adults with ADHD face when it comes to remembering things. It's disheartening to have a conversation, think you've come to an agreement, and then find out later that the ADHD partner not only doesn't remember the agreement, sometimes s/he doesn't even remember the conversation! Many partners not used to working with ADHD think this is a cover-up or a lie. In the vast majority of cases, it's not - the ADHD partner truly doesn't remember. To make matters worse, it's often a source of deep embarrassment for the ADHD partner. "Other people remember things...why can't I?" So, what to do?
6 Reasons ADHD Adults Forget
As a brief overview, ADHD often severely impacts the way adults with ADHD remember in the following ways:
Brain chemistry: ADHD adults have less of the neurotransmitters that convey information in the brain to store it effectively in short-term memory ("working memory"), then move it to long-term memory,
Different info: Those same neurotransmitters are in the reward and attention system, which means that ADHD adults are often distracted - they may not take in all of the information that they are supposed to remember in the first place
Lots of miscellaneous info: The ADHD brain doesn't 'filter' much, which means that sometimes they interpret things quite differently...and sometimes what seems 'obvious' to a non-ADHD partner as really important is just "another piece of (lots of) information coming in. So what is being remembered might vary from what a partner expects. Put another way, ADHD brains are less 'hierarchical' by nature, which can cause partners to interpret things differently.
Little internal organization: The ADHD brain can be described as 'the Library of Congress without a card catalog' - organization and reminder systems are challenging for those with ADHD (one reason creating 'external' (i.e. outside the head) reminder systems such as alarms and lists is so important. ADHD adults who don't have a great reminder system that works for them often forget what they have committed to
Distraction pushes the item out: Something else comes along that is 'interesting' or shiny, and captures the attention - moving it away from what was supposed to be remembered
Speedy brain: I've heard the ADHD brain called a 'popcorn brain' (a lovely visual!) - with lots of ideas and information bumping all over in disarray. It's hard to mentally 'grab' the right information from all of this to try to tuck it into memory
How to Remember Better if You Have ADHD
What the reasons above mean is this - poor memory for those with ADHD isn't about willpower or not caring/wanting to remember. It's about brain chemistry. Which means that the way to address it is two-fold. Improve the brain chemistry with Leg One physiological treatments (download my free e-book from my home page about optimizing treatment for all the details on this) and accept that memory is a chemistry issue. To deal with it you don't 'try harder,' you must 'try differently.' What that means in this case is to create an 'outside the head' reminder system (since inside the head memory works sometimes, but isn't reliable). Here are 11 specific ideas that have helped those with ADHD remember better. I urge you to experiment with any that sound appealing:
Use a paper calendar that shows you at least a week at a time. That way you can see what is coming up. Carry it with you everywhere.
Use a bullet journal - this is a variation on a calendar that helps you sort through what you might be doing this week vs over the longer term. I, actually, use a calendar to schedule specific events, and a modified bullet journal (weekly, monthly, and long-term tracking only) For me, sitting every night to move bullets would make me crazy. For my daughter (who introduced me to bullet journals) it works really well.
Use the 'personal kanban' system. This is good for prioritizing and staying focused on a few tasks you really want to complete, while not letting others drop through the cracks
Use sticky notes. This one can get out of hand as notes can get lost if you use a lot...but they are very good if used sparingly for reminders of 'what I'm trying to change now.' I often recommend that people put up notes on their bathroom mirrors with words like "Kindness" if they are trying to approach their partners and their lives with more daily kindness - that way they run into the note at least twice a day
Alarms. These are a favorite of many with ADHD as they bring something that is out of mind (or in the 'not now') back into the now at the right time. I believe they are best used for very regular reminders of boring but important stuff (ex: taking meds) and for really important promises to a partner. I've noticed that those who use alarms for everything soon give up the method all together and ignore the alarms
3x5 notecard. My husband used to carry around a 3x5 notecard and a pen. Every time he thought of anything he needed to remember, he jotted it down. At the end or beginning of the day he would transcribe what he had captured into his calendar system.
Mind-mapping software. For some, this is a good way to capture longer-term projects
MINT. This is a program that aids memory around finances. Among other things, it imports your credit card spending and reminds you as you near pre-set budget limits so you don't over-spend.
White boards. Because these are 'stumble upon' reminders, putting one in your kitchen or other high traffic area can remind you of what's on today's agenda. They don't capture long-term things so well because of size limits.
'Recipe for success' task management system. You can find this in the back of my first book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage . This is a system of coordinating tasks with a partner, agreeing to a few, and tracking progress weekly. Used regularly, it provides a path for gaining accuracy for how much you should plan, as well as reminding you of what needs to be done.
Lists. This works for some, but not for many with ADHD. They tend to get lengthy and feel overwhelming. Other systems here (such as Kanban and bullet journals) help cut through the content better and improve organization as well as memory.
Journals and contracts. For some particularly important agreements, use a written agreement to remember what you've negotiated and have both partners initial it. Not only does putting things in writing eliminate 'he said/she said' arguments when you later revisit the issue later, it also helps you clarify up front that you are both agreeing to the same thing.
Memory - The Bottom Line
There are many reasons both ADHD and non-ADHD partners forget. And memory isn't static - it gets revised as our lives change. The further you are away from something, the more likely you will have 'revised' memories. Further, research done at Harvard suggests that we notice and remember things much less accurately than we remember. Researchers nicknamed this the 'illusion of memory.' We think we record things like a video. Instead, we block things that aren't of interest or we let much more in than is important...then store it in bits that we reconstruct later in a way that makes sense at the time of reconstruction.
Bottom line is this - EVERY person with ADHD needs a good, external reminder system to address the biology of ADHD. For that matter, so do non-ADHD adults. We are all busy and forget things, even if we insist (as I used to, before I learned more) that we remember well.
July 7, 2017
5 Tips for Recovering from a Relationship Setback
Melissa's Favorite Posts
You’re going along pretty well, then suddenly something happens that triggers you. Here’s how to avoid getting consumed by feelings of ‘won’t this ever stop?!’
It’s no secret that my husband and I are doing pretty darned well these days. And yet, not too long ago, he did something that really triggered me back into a negative place. I spent a couple of days in a deep funk, thinking things like “Really? Seriously?” and “Maybe there just is no hope.” Now I know enough to understand that just because I’m thinking these thoughts doesn’t mean they are true – they are just ideas and, in this case, a reflection of my past, not my present.
This getting triggered back to feeling negative or hopeless can happen to anyone. The good news is, you can recover. Here are my tips for doing so:
Tip 1: (listen carefully!) Thoughts and reality are NOT the same thing. At all. And it’s really important to keep this in mind. Because at the time when you are triggered, the rush back to your negative past feels overwhelming. And because it feels so ‘BIG’ and overwhelming, it also feels true. Even when it’s not. I was triggered back to feeling depressed and negative…and yet the truth is that my husband and I are both very happy…and have the best relationship we’ve ever had. So remind yourself that thoughts are only that – just thoughts - and that if you don’t engage with them, they often can fade away.
Tip 2: Don’t dwell on the negative. Instead, seek and reinforce the positive. I’m not talking about making up stuff. I’m talking about finding what is positive, and reminding yourself that it is there, to diminish the power of the negative upon you. If you dwell on how bad the trigger feels, you will feed it and it will grow. If, instead, you acknowledge the negative is there, and then focus on the positive, you starve the negative and it shrinks. Look for facts (such as 'my husband shows me every day that he loves me') to deal with feelings of overwhelm directly.
Tip 3: Move yourself into a new space – physically, if possible. In 2014, after my second bout with cancer, I promised that I would try to make each day an adventure of some sort. Lately I’ve lost a bit of that (out of sheer laziness). When I got triggered, it was easy to feel a bit unmoored as a result. So I reconnected with that promise to myself as a way to divert my attention to a habit that is for, and about, ME. I borrowed a friend’s paddleboard and tried it out for the first time. At the end of it, I felt much better – more centered, and with a renewed desire to take care of myself and live true to myself. Notice…nothing there about feeling miserable or being triggered. Or even about my husband.
Tip 4: Don’t hide – share your experiences with your partner. You have to do this carefully because the trigger came from your partner and the last thing you need is to have a pile on because your partner feels defensive and triggered him or herself. The best way to execute this conversation is to: focus on your feelings, not your partner’s actions; be gentle but clear; back off if you see signs of defensiveness building; use conflict intimacy skills. What you may well find (I did) is that even though I went to a negative place, it wasn’t backed up by my husband’s feelings. He loves me deeply, and was able to reassure me that my feelings, while understandable, did not have basis in his feelings about me, or the relationship. Further, he apologized for the event; and backed up his words with some meaningful, immediate actions. The added benefit of sharing your own feelings is that your partner can (if willing) share his or her own feelings, as well. You grow as you learn together. Hiding, on the other hand, gives power to fear because there is no counterbalancing force to diminish that fear.
Tip 5: Give yourself a break. We all get triggered sometimes. It’s a natural part of recovering from a difficult relationship. It’s okay to get triggered – and the fact that you can get triggered simply means you are human, not that your relationship is bad. So don’t worry about the fact that you ‘went backwards’ for a time – it’s okay. It’s normal. And you can recover…even learn from it.
June 19, 2017
Why Isn't My Non-ADHD Partner Supportive of My ADHD Therapy?
Melissa's Favorite PostsAnger, Frustration & ADHD
Not long ago I got a note from a woman with ADHD who asked this question: How do I respond when my husband rejects my revelations about myself as I'm going through therapy? It's a question I hear in multiple variations with some regularity. An ADHD partner discovers what ADHD has mean to him or her, which brings up all sorts of emotions and revelations about the past and present. Some non-ADHD partners welcome this learning, while others seem to reject it.
Non-ADHD partners carry around a lot of baggage about past experiences with ADHD partners. This means that it's possible that when the ADHD partner starts to talk about her discoveries about ADHD the non-ADHD partner may think "yeah, right..." or "that just sounds like an excuse." This is logical - in the past that partner has heard many good ideas that then quickly fizzled out.
Skeptical partners are likely to remain skeptical for some time. This is a form of self-protection. If s/he becomes hopeful, that also makes him or her vulnerable to disappointment if the ADHD partner can't follow through. The real changes start coming after the ADHD partner shares not only what s/he is learning intellectually, but also the changes in actions they are making. Measurable, noticeable, long-standing, consistent actions. When the ADHD partner can say "I know you think I'm consistently inconsistent when it comes to (fill in the blank) but for the last three months I've been quite consistent and effective because I've been focusing on managing my follow through..." then non-ADHD partners start to listen. Noticeable changes might be around remembering things better, no longer losing things, getting a reminder system in place, getting angry less often, being late less often - making measurable progress against whatever the things are that are have been getting in your way.
The person who asked why the therapy revelations weren't as moving to her partner as to her was at the beginning of the process - you learn about ADHD, you get treatment into place that helps you focus better, and you start behavioral therapy that helps you change your actions. At which point resistance and disbelief can turn into relief and partnership. I've seen it happen over and over again.
If you are an ADHD adult with a skeptical non-ADHD partner, don't focus on your partner's resistance or take it personally. Instead, focus on moving down the path of turning your newfound knowledge into objectively measurable gains in your everyday ACTIONS. This is where the rubber hits the road for you and for your relationship.
June 5, 2017
Help! My House Looks Like a Hurricane Went Through!
Conflicts Around Household TasksOrganization
ADHD and 'mess' go hand in hand for many (though not all). Thing pile up; ADHD partners don't seem to notice mess; and they often like to acquire but hate to throw out.
This can cause issues in the partnership. I recently heard from a non-ADHD partner that her husband's piles of stuff were so out of control that she no longer invites people to their home, creating some social isolation for them both. I've heard form other non-ADHD partners that the mess literally makes their skin crawl - they feel uncomfortable and stressed out coming home.
Clearly, this is an issue that needs to be addressed. Aside from my chore recommendations (see the chapters on the Chore Wars in both of my books), here is what might be going on with some specific ideas about how to deal with the mess.
Reasons for ADHD messiness:
they don't notice the mess
they notice the mess, but it doesn't bother them
they need to have things out and visible as a reminder system (they 'stumble upon' stuff at the right time...or any time)
organizing is not a strong point, so stuff stays out
poor memory sometimes means that it's hard to remember where stuff goes unless it's clearly labeled...so it gets left out, instead
Reasons for over-accumulating and having trouble throwing things out:
they subscribe to the 'world of possibilities' theory - everything might have a use, someday, so you should keep it
sorting through things takes many 'throw/don't throw' decisions, which can be very difficult, as well as tedious
they purchase on impulse, unintentionally accumulating a lot
they have a purchasing addiction (particularly online) - the shot of dopamine soothes their reward-seeking needs...but not for long, then they purchase again
they are optimists - figuring that they can fix things...but never getting around to it (procrastination and time management issues) so broken stuff piles up
they are drawn to the 'main attraction', but not the clean up. For example, buying shoes online, but not tossing out the mailing box nor the shoe box
What to do
You have a few options, and should choose those that address the specific issue at hand, as outlined above. Please remember that non-ADHD partners should not try to FORCE these solutions on ADHD partners (this won't work...plus it is rude.) Instead, use these as ideas to facilitate a discussion about possible solutions to try out. Here are some specifics:
First and foremost - ADHD treatment!!
Optimizing ADHD treatment will help provide better focus, a better ability to stick with things that might be boring; will include (always) a time management system that works into which ADHD partners can plug some clean up tasks, and more. Download my free treatment e-book from the home page if you don't have it.
Cognitive behavioral training (CBT) has been demonstrated to help adults with ADHD change habits. Talk with your therapist to see whether this is available near you, or Google search it
You have a backlog - ADHD partner doesn't like to sort; throw/don't throw decisions are hard:
Set a specific goal (i.e. 50% less stuff in the basement) and hire a clean out buddy for chunks of time, several hours at a time...plus a dumpster. One couple I know did this with a great housecleaner they trusted. This buddy will keep you on track for sorting through it all, and tossing what's not needed. Commit one afternoon a week (or every other week) until you meet your goal.
Clean up isn't a strong suit:
Add weekly 30 minute straightening sessions to the weekly chore regimen as an assignment, with specific areas of the house to be tackled. Note: this is different from fixing a backlog.
If it's paperwork, work with an organizer or more organized partner to create a 'map' of a filing system that makes sense to the ADHD partner; create those files; fill them as part of the straightening sessions (or hire a personal assistant for a bit to do a backlog for you). NOTE: Bills can be handled in a simple accordion file; and papers that you need to keep for a while but not forever can be thrown into a single bin - they will naturally sort in reverse date order and can be sorted pretty easily. I do this - in January of each year I set aside one day to sort through it all, toss what I no longer need, and file the rest. Saves a ton of time, and means I know where stuff is almost all the time.
Hire a professional organizer who is familiar with ADHD to help create a system that is easier to use (for example, labeled bins and certain 'rules' for purchasing new items)
Optimistic - world of limitless possibilities; 'I'll fix this some day'
Find a location to put all of the 'needs to be worked on some day' stuff...a basement or garage; a pod that sits near the driveway.
Put this 'future project' stuff into date-marked areas or boxes. If something hasn't been moved out of that box or area in an agreed upon timeframe (say 2 years, or even 5) then the agreement is that it gets tossed, recycled or sold
Impulse purchasing
Set impulsivity as a target symptom for ADHD and try to lessen it through treatment
Set low limits on a credit card; or create a separate 'purchase account' with only a limited amount of money in it each month (note -these are easy to get around - only the most motivated will actually succeed with this idea)
If you both agree impulse purchasing is an issue, create a 'waiting period' before using any item that arrives at the house - perhaps 7 days. Get comfy with sending things back and getting refunds (which have their own benefits!)
Block key websites, if needed
Get addiction counseling, if needed
Keep a list of purchases and their costs for three months to make the size of the issue more 'real.' This might motivate a change in behavior (not too likely, but maybe)
Need to have things out in order to remember them
add externally visible systems to your organization system - many people with ADHD use white boards, bulletin boards, or utilize a personal kanban system.
create 'piles' that are specific for when/how to do something (i.e. "today" and "this week")
designate a place for the ADHD partner to leave reminders - perhaps a specific counter...then 'visit' that location multiple times a day
sticky notes are a favorite...
Doesn't notice the mess
designate a few specific areas of the house as 'no mess zones' - in our house that is the living room and dining room. In these places, it is understood that my husband won't leave a mess and I am in charge of keeping the space clean to my standards. Also, designate a few areas as 'anything goes ADHD zones' - in our house these are my husband's spaces - his office, the basement (for his hobbies), his side of the garage, his closet. The rule on those is that I don't comment. Ever. All the other spaces are negotiated as needed.
Along these same lines, create different spaces if you can - drawers that aren't shared, different bathroom sinks (or different bathrooms), 'sides' of the closet. All of this allows each of you to be 'yourselves' as much as possible
Hire a housecleaner for an every other week deep clean and straightening, or more regularly for picking up if you can
Put a sticky note next to the bathroom mirror as a reminder for a quick clean up. One man with ADHD, whose job it was to keep the family room tidy set up a system of bins, then put a note next to his mirror. If he hadn't done the daily pick up by the time he went to bed at night he went back downstairs and did it right then.
If things pile up on the floor and all over, get boxes, marked by date, and load them up once a week. Leave the most recent 2 boxes (i.e. two weeks) out for easy access...then, after that second week, put the oldest box with the master collection of dated boxes and stack them somewhere accessible (basement or garage works best). After an agreed upon time, the contents get tossed...or sorted with the sorting buddy (see first ideas)
Hire an ADHD coach or get CBT
good ADHD coaches can help those with ADHD break old patterns and create new ones...including in the realm of organization. Here is a list of coaches who might be able to help you (they work by phone, so it doesn't matter where you are.) In addition, we sometimes offer "new habit coaching groups.
May 30, 2017
3 Steps to Start Managing ADHD
Start hereDiagnosis and Treatment of ADHDResources
People who are just starting to learn about ADHD often contact me to ask 'how should I proceed?' Here are my suggestions for how to get going. You don't have to do these things in order (people with ADHD do like to skip around, I know!) but do as many as you can...the more the better*.
Get a solid diagnosis
There is a list of therapists at this link whom I know understand adult ADHD. If you aren't near any of them, go to CHADD or ADDA or PsychologyToday.com for listings of professionals. Note - particularly in the PsychologyToday database, people may claim more knowledge of ADHD than they actually have. Ask them what proportion of their practice is dedicated to evaluating and treating adults with ADHD before signing on to work with them. I also counsel couples, though I do not do evaluations.
Then get educated about ADHD - here's how
Get good solid information about treatment strategies and options in my free treatment e-book, downloadable from my home page
Go to my treatment area and start to explore. There are resources there to help you track your progress in managing ADHD, identify your most important symptoms (i.e. your 'target symptoms'), and more. In addition, check out the sections on sleep, non-medicinal options, and behavioral treatments. I curate this area to make sure the information it contains is reliable and helpful.
Explore my blog posts (see the main menu) - there is a lot of information about how ADHD manifests in relationship that will help both partners. If you're new to the site, start with 'start here' and 'Melissa's favorite posts.'
For information about how ADHD impacts your relationship, read or listen to The ADHD Effect on Marriage and/or The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD. Readers love them, find them practical and informative, and regularly ask "how do you know this stuff? Have you been sitting in our living room?" Audiobook versions are available on my site or, in the case of The ADHD Effect on Marriage, at Audible. If you wish further reading about adult ADHD in general, or specific elements of dealing with ADHD such as staying organized, go to my recommended reading list. You can also find videos of interest on my site.
Find the help you need
Once you have a good sense of what you are dealing with and have identified your more important symptoms, you will be ready to get the professional help that you need. To be clear, you don't have to use professional assistance, and this site is set up to provide you with a broad range of resources whether or not you use a professional. But generally speaking, if it were easy you would have already done it on your own. Using a professional helps you move forward more quickly and, usually, with greater success.
Depending upon your specific situation, your professional support might include an ADHD coach, individual therapist, couples counselor, or support group. You will find all of these resources here at this site, which has been developed to provide adults with ADHD and their partners the resources they need. In addition, you may decide to add more exercise, meditation, or improve your sleep patterns, based upon your specific target symptoms and treatment plan.
One of the best resources for couples who are struggling in their relationship is my 8-week couples seminar, given live by phone three times a year, or in a self-study version. (I'm not trying to sell you something here...just to alert you to the fact that this program is very effective at getting couples unstuck, and is a uniquely helpful resource. There is nothing else like it.)
Finally, feel free to contact me with questions - I am here to help you.
*Research done by Ari Tuckman suggests that the larger number of treatment categories adults with ADHD use to manage their ADHD, the happier they are with their outcome...and the happier their partner is, as well.
May 23, 2017
Getting Out of the (ADHD) Organizational Muddle
In January, I wrote about bullet journals as a way to capture many details, and stay on top of projects. That system is particularly good at capturing a ton of little details, so you don't lose them, and so you don't have to respond immediately.
Another big organizational issue for adults with ADHD is sorting out which task to do (of the millions floating around in your head!) and then staying focused on tasks long enough to finish them. If this is your organizational issue, then creating a Personal Kanban can help.
What is a Personal Kanban?
Simply put, it is a tool to help you visualize and organize what you need to work on. It was first used at Toyota as a way to organize work flow for many, and then adapted by the folks at PersonalKanban.com for organizing personal goals. The idea is simple - two steps, actually.
Visualize your work
Sort your work to choose 3 (and only 3) items upon which to focus
This creates a way to think about prioritizing what's really important (or sometimes really expedient!); to stay focused on that thing long enough to complete it; and get the satisfaction of moving it into the 'done' category. Keeping your focus on just a few things, and having to overtly choose what those things are, gets past some of the biggest issues ADHD adults have with task management (i.e. overwhelm and planning!) There is a simple, 6 minute video on Personal Kanbans here.
How to Adapt this for ADHD
Of course, they want to sell you a course or book. I doubt you need them - the video should give you the idea. But keep these thoughts in mind, as they will help you succeed:
make it visual - post it notes or note cards should work well
put it in a place that you will stumble upon it so you don't have to remember it
schedule yourself to interact with your Personal Kanban at least once a day - first thing in the morning, or right before bed might work well. Ask yourself "what am I going to get done on this project today/tomorrow...and when?'
break down big projects into smaller steps if it seems overwhelming to tackle it. This is called 'chunking' and it can be really helpful for staying on task and planning more accurately
if you get stuck and stop making progress, don't lose hope, just figure out why. Check for the usual suspects (poor time estimation or management; difficulty planning; the project isn't holding your attention, etc.) and then address the underlying issue. For example, if it's not interesting enough, how could you make it more interesting? Play loud music while doing it? Do it with a buddy and chat? Be creative. Sometimes you might need help.
celebrate when you complete a project! Positive reinforcement is good
Next Steps
Try it out! You have nothing to lose, and it might help you a lot. Let us know your experience.
May 17, 2017
Thank you - let's celebrate!
Quote of the Week
“Thank you - let's celebrate!”
- Melissa Orlov
Let's Celebrate!
I'm Celebrating You
Mid 2017 marks the 10th anniversary of my website, www.ADHDmarriage.com. As I was thinking about how to mark the occasion, it was immediately clear that what I wanted to celebrate was YOU.
It is the people who visit, who post, who read, who share their stories, who lurk, who learn, who change their lives...all of you...who make the website the great resource that it is for couples just learning about ADHD.
So I am celebrating by providing a better website experience for you all, and sharing a video about three couples who thought they wouldn't make it, but turned their lives around. They are like you. This is my homage to the work that you all do to better your relationships. It's about what is possible once you learn about how ADHD impacts relationships.
I invite you to visit the updated (mobile friendly!!) site and to view my new video, Fall in Love Again: ADHD Couples Share their Stories, and to go into the forum to share your stories and your thoughts.
And, once again, THANK YOU!
Melissa Orlov
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The next session begins October 2017.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
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© 2017 Melissa Orlov
May 16, 2017
Going on the Defensive, Making Excuses and Denying Fault During a Fight
Communication Tips with ADHD
Let me start by saying that I have ADHD, and my husband does not.
This fact in itself has been the underlying cause of nearly every one of our arguments and is often responsible for quickly turning a rational discussion into a full-blown war of words.
Though there are slight variations to each fight, the cycle goes something like this: My action, which in most cases is inaction, upsets my husband. The offense ranges from smaller things like repeatedly buying produce while there is some already rotting in our fridge to larger things like waiting until months after my car flashes its light to get the oil changed. He points out the facts and explains how they've made him feel, which is usually that I don’t care about him or respect him enough to do needs to be done. I then either deny my culpability or make excuses, both of which only make it worse. I try to rationalize and convince him the situation isn't that big of a deal, and he shouldn't be as affected as he is. At this point, he's usually recalling and listing previous similar actions and thoughtless behavior, which only furthers putting me on the defensive. In my mix of shame and indignation, I continue to invalidate his feelings and opinions by telling him how I think he should have reacted to the situation. Typically infuriated at this point, he asks for space, and instead of giving it to him, my increasing anxiety and need for validation for the good things I’ve done forces me to talk at him incessantly, saying anything I can think of that might help prove my point. That's when all hell breaks loose, and the fight usually ends with my husband questioning his commitment to staying in our marriage because I am consistently unreliable and unwilling to take responsibility for my actions.
Does this sound familiar?
By the end of every argument, I come to my senses and realize how wrong my fighting tactics are. But by this point the damage is already done. One of the worst things you can do to the person you love most is to invalidate his feelings and make a clumsy attempt at brainwashing him into thinking he was wrong for being upset. While I know how unfair this is, I cannot seem to stop doing it. It's almost as if I have no control over my actions when I go into argument mode. After our last fight I decided to do some research into why this is my go-to response during conflict, and luckily one of Melissa Orlov’s blogs provided information to help me understand.
Why is this happening?
In "Reasons Partners Lie...Lying Part 2," Melissa addressed how previous marital situations impact how future ones are handled. Of the seven reasons she lists for lying, I found that four directly apply to my actions and reactions in conflict:
Avoidance of a partner's chronic anger
Imbalanced relationship
Not wanting to disappoint your partner
Habit
In a heated discussion I do everything I possibly can to avoid giving my husband one more reason to become angry, one more instance that disappoints him and one more instance that proves I'm incapable of being an equal partner in our relationship.
Trying to break the cycle
After coming to terms with the thought process behind my incorrect reactions to his grievances, I've been able to help my husband understand that I have well-meaning intentions in my actions and in our fights, which is a good starting point. I've also adjusted my actions, and I'm now able to begin these tough discussions with an apology for making him fell as if I don’t care enough about him. No matter how ridiculous I think his response is to my action, it’s not OK to tell him he’s not allowed to feel what he’s feeling. Even though my instinct is to defend myself, I'm learning to acknowledge when I've made a mistake. I try to follow that up by validating my husband's feelings, opinions, and concerns, and letting him know I understand why my actions have affected him. And even when I falter and the conversation devolves into a fight, my partner knows I'm hearing him and really listening. Unlike immediately going on the defensive, reacting first with understanding creates a level playing field and allows us to progress through a discussion with respect and thoughtful discourse. Knowledge is power. The more you and your partner know about how ADHD affects your actions and your fights, the better the chances are of positively changing the situation for the better.
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