Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 56
October 12, 2017
Shame
Quote of the Week
“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable."
- Brene Brown
Shame
Last week I wrote about lies and cover ups and creating a safe place to be honest. Part of that honesty is being able to talk about your own concerns and questions, be that feeling badly or ashamed you did something, to wondering if you’ll ever get it right, to…you name it.
Healthy relationships are those in which partners can voice their fears as well as their triumphs, their most miserable feelings as well as their best. As partners on either side of the ADHD/non-ADHD partnership (or ADHD/ADHD) we need to make it our job to ensure our own behaviors create a safe space for our partner.
And, because I always say this – I’m not talking about getting walked all over. As an example, if your partner is verbally abusing you, then it makes sense to get professional help…which is a ‘safe space’ approach to dealing with conflict, rather than either retreating or fighting back.
Get your relationship back on track - register for the January couples tele-seminar and the Tele-coaching groups for ADHD and non-ADHD adults going on now!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2018 Melissa Orlov
8 Ways to Save Money on Your ADHD Prescriptions
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
One of my current seminar participants happens to be an M.D. After someone asked how to pay less for ADHD medications that are currently costing her north of $300 a month, this doctor sent me six excellent suggestions for keeping the cost of medications down. Because he’s the doctor in the house, I’ve reprinted what he wrote verbatim. Thanks, doc!
TIP 1: www.goodrx.com Excellent for finding the best cash-pay prices in your area.
TIP 2: Various manufacturer co-pay discount coupons. One example can be found on www.vyvanse.com. ($60 per month discount). You usually must have commercial insurance for these to work.
TIP 3: https://www.goodrx.com/central-nervous-system-stimulants also provides a good summary of medications, recent prices, and links to the manufacturers’ discount programs.
TIP 4: Ask your doctor to prescribe the short-acting generic version of your favorite medication. This is usually 1/3 to 1/4 the price, but it’s less convenient and may lead to more ups and downs throughout the day. For many people, including myself, is preferable to pay more for the longer-acting pills.
TIP 5: Review your insurance company’s annual medication formulary. Ours, for example, would require a Google search for something like “Providence of Oregon formulary 2017 pdf.” Choose the most relevant document for your specific health plan and search the list for the lowest tier or generic (i.e. cheapest) options. We found two files and it was difficult to determine which was most applicable for our insurance plan.
Reviewing both of these formularies, it was clear that Providence Health Plan preferred generic Adderall, generic dexadrine, and generic Ritalin. My co-pay was either $50 a month for a 30-day supply or $100 for a 90-day supply. We found Walgreens to be the only local pharmacy that would accept a 90-day supply. (It is possible that our insurance company’s preferred mail-order pharmacy could have been cheaper).
TIP 6: If 90-day supplies are cheaper under your plan, you may ask your doctor for 90. You may, however, have a hard time convincing your doctor that this is legal. Usually, one may only receive 30 days of a Schedule II controlled substance at a time, without a refill. Apparently mail-order pharmacies, and local pharmacies which have out-of-state mail-order branches, have found the legal loophole to prescribe 90 days on a single script. I would suggest calling your insurance company’s preferred mail order pharmacy to confirm that they will accept a prescription for 90 days of your ADHD medication. If they say yes, tell your doctor and ask him or her to try sending the script (either electronically or hard copy via mail) and see if everything works out. Doctors may end up being excited that they don’t have to go through the laborious process of post-dating three separate 30-day prescriptions.
TIP 7: Change insurance companies. This might seem extreme, but there can be drastic differences in total out-of-pocket costs if a slightly more expensive insurance plan pays for all of your ADD medications. If eligible, go to https://www.healthcare.gov/see-plans/#/search and enter your medication to search for plans that cover your pills. Be sure to enter your doctor’s info to ensure they take the new insurance plan. Open enrollment starts Nov. 1st.
And another...TIP 8: This one comes from a different class participant - sometimes there are groupon coupons for medications. This person just found a Groupon that was Vyvanse for $30 a month for a year.
7 Ways to Save Money on Your ADHD Prescriptions
One of my current seminar participants happens to be an M.D. After someone asked how to pay less for ADHD medications that are currently costing her north of $300 a month, this doctor sent me six excellent suggestions for keeping the cost of medications down. Because he’s the doctor in the house, I’ve reprinted what he wrote verbatim. Thanks, doc!
TIP 1: www.goodrx.com Excellent for finding the best cash-pay prices in your area.
TIP 2: Various manufacturer co-pay discount coupons. One example can be found on www.vyvanse.com. ($60 per month discount). You usually must have commercial insurance for these to work.
TIP 3: https://www.goodrx.com/central-nervous-system-stimulants also provides a good summary of medications, recent prices, and links to the manufacturers’ discount programs.
TIP 4: Ask your doctor to prescribe the short-acting generic version of your favorite medication. This is usually 1/3 to 1/4 the price, but it’s less convenient and may lead to more ups and downs throughout the day. For many people, including myself, is preferable to pay more for the longer-acting pills.
TIP 5: Review your insurance company’s annual medication formulary. Ours, for example, would require a Google search for something like “Providence of Oregon formulary 2017 pdf.” Choose the most relevant document for your specific health plan and search the list for the lowest tier or generic (i.e. cheapest) options. We found two files and it was difficult to determine which was most applicable for our insurance plan.
Reviewing both of these formularies, it was clear that Providence Health Plan preferred generic Adderall, generic dexadrine, and generic Ritalin. My co-pay was either $50 a month for a 30-day supply or $100 for a 90-day supply. We found Walgreens to be the only local pharmacy that would accept a 90-day supply. (It is possible that our insurance company’s preferred mail-order pharmacy could have been cheaper).
TIP 6: If 90-day supplies are cheaper under your plan, you may ask your doctor for 90. You may, however, have a hard time convincing your doctor that this is legal. Usually, one may only receive 30 days of a Schedule II controlled substance at a time, without a refill. Apparently mail-order pharmacies, and local pharmacies which have out-of-state mail-order branches, have found the legal loophole to prescribe 90 days on a single script. I would suggest calling your insurance company’s preferred mail order pharmacy to confirm that they will accept a prescription for 90 days of your ADHD medication. If they say yes, tell your doctor and ask him or her to try sending the script (either electronically or hard copy via mail) and see if everything works out. Doctors may end up being excited that they don’t have to go through the laborious process of post-dating three separate 30-day prescriptions.
TIP 7: Change insurance companies. This might seem extreme, but there can be drastic differences in total out-of-pocket costs if a slightly more expensive insurance plan pays for all of your ADD medications. If eligible, go to https://www.healthcare.gov/see-plans/#/search and enter your medication to search for plans that cover your pills. Be sure to enter your doctor’s info to ensure they take the new insurance plan. Open enrollment starts Nov. 1st.
September 15, 2017
ADHD Partners and Time - Being Late Isn't Just About Time Management
Communication Tips with ADHDConflicts Around Household Tasks
“What time is it?”
“7:55”
“What time did I say I would be here?”
“8:00”
Big cheesy grin…“That’s right.”
This simple conversation occurred after years of perpetual ‘lateness’ became a source of contention and misperception in my relationship with my ADHD Partner. I often felt put on the back burner and couldn’t reconcile his feeling for me with his seeming thoughtlessness in honoring our plans. For years, not much explanation was given other than something along the lines of “It’s not about you.”
A few weeks after these short exchanges started he added, “You know this has to do with my ADHD”……..
Ahhh……. what? The subject of ADHD had come up before in passing and the only thing I understood was that school had been more challenging for him than I had known. This was the first time the impact of living with ADHD, as it affects other areas of life, had even passed through my mind. After spending hours with my friend, Google, I was on the floor- stunned by story after story of other’s experiences that mirrored my own.
As I began to understand ADHD, I also started to truly appreciate the effort being made to be on time.
My perception of his tardiness had always been more than simple time management - it was a statement of what those actions said about how he valued me.
We were taught that actions speak louder than words, right?
My intuition told me that his intentions where in earnest but when the actions often did not match I was confused and frustrated. The more I learned about ADHD, the more my perceptions shifted and communication about issues became easier for both of us. There was much truth in his saying “It was not about me”, the Non-ADHD Partner. IT was that confusing undefined factor. IT was ADHD.
Here are a few strategies to combat the impact of poor time sense in your relationship:
Detailed color-coded calendars (bonus points if you sync your calendars)
Consider and include travel time when scheduling
Alarm reminders
Touching base with your partner when you are scheduled to leave. This helps corral those “just one more thing” ideas and adds motivation to just get out the door. This one was a key strategy for us.
ABOUT KIMBER NELSON: Kimber Nelson is the founder of ADHD Partners and a student coach trainer on the faculty of JST Coaching & Training. Kimber specializes in working with frustrated Non-ADHD Partners who are ready to take back control of their lives. www.ADHDPartners.com
Tags: time, frustration, tardy, late, time management
August 31, 2017
Tips for Becoming Independent of Parent/Child Dynamics
Anger, Frustration & ADHDConflicts Around Household TasksNegotiation and Setting Boundaries
It is REALLY hard to wait for an ADHD partner to learn to get him or herself better organized. I know I just always wanted to jump in and provide suggestions. But, of course, my ideas for organization work for my sort of mind...and not for my husband's. Plus, he hates it when I tell him what to do, even if I think I'm offering him a useful suggestion. So I've learned to continue to request assistance when needed, but not to make suggestions about how that assistance is provided. This gives my husband the autonomy he needs/craves and me the results I seek.
And, yes, it took a while to get to this place. Making the transition is hard! Here are some tips that can help you start to get out of parent/child.
Tips - ADHD Partners
This is a big deal - use all resources available. Yes, you may be used to doing things when they become urgent or happen to come to your attention. But that doesn't work when you are coordinating with another person. So it's imperative that you find some system that allows you to get the most important things on your joint task list done on deadline. What that process looks like is up to you...the good news is that there are lots of resources to help you get organized, including ADHD coaches and the book ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life.
Truly take full responsibility. It’s easier to let someone else assist you…but the idea of this work is to help you be more independent. If you say you will take full responsibility for an action, make sure you will do so - without resentment - and then take full responsibility from beginning to end. Use whatever support you need – delegating to another person you hire; reminding yourself of tasks with alarms or calendars; writing down the steps you will follow, or anything that helps you stay on task. There are many ways to make sure you get things done.
Use SMART to set time bound, specific steps to complete. If you don't know what that is, see this blog post. Hold yourself accountable for meeting your deadlines - set reminders to get there. If you don't succeed at meeting your SMART goal, assess why not and try again with a revised plan.
Create a plan with specific sub-deadlines. Write it down or put in in your calendar to make it concrete. If you don’t meet a deadline, catch up before the next. If you remain behind, evaluate your ability to complete on time. If you know you are going to miss the final deadline, it’s best to let your partner know (this is for good coordination, not approval!) and then refine your plan. Don’t give up.
Don’t ask for assistance from your partner unless absolutely necessary, except to stay coordinated. This is to help you stay in charge and not revert to behaviors in which you ask for help or guidance. Note, this does not apply to things with which you need input, such as planning a family vacation. That's coordinating...not asking your partner to take over. The idea here is YOU are in charge.
Consider setting up environmental modifications including apps, a kitchen timer, a visible white board, notes on your bathroom mirror, creating a personal Kanban, etc. that will serve as a regular reminder of what you are working on. You want to be drawn back to the project every day, and chip away at it so completion seems easier and easier.
Do not rely on your partner for everyday functioning. Pretend you are single, and driven to get this task done by tomorrow. How would you do it?
Tips - Non-ADHD Partner
Trust that your partner will learn complete the task or else keep you informed. At first, tasks will likely not get completed on time – it takes effort to get the right support structures and treatment in place to break years of inconsistency and distraction. But continue to be supportive. A positive atmosphere is critical to changing these ADHD behaviors. It's too easy for ADHD partners to fall into the 'I'll never be good enough' rabbit hole.
Give the process time. You may truly fear that if you don’t control the situation, nothing will get done, but you must give it a chance – as long as the ADHD partner is truly working on managing the ADHD there will likely be growth and change. Further, understand that if you do control the situation and 'over-function' by taking on your partner's responsibilities, you will control what gets done but lose the positive aspects of your relationship as you fall into traditional parent/child dynamics. Put another way, your sense of control is illusory. You stay in control of tasks and lose control of your love for each other - a FAR worse outcome!
Avoid offering help, suggestions, unsolicited advice or critiquing unless asked. Your partner is in charge and does things differently than you. Focus on accepting that your way is not your partner’s way (as an example, when I look for a hotel online I efficiently settle on the first thing that seems reasonable and affordable (i.e. ‘good enough’). My husband scours a huge number of options to find just what he wants. Both ways are legitimate, though very different. And, yes, his way takes more time…but he often comes up with some great options I would miss.)
Be careful about tone of voice. Don’t use accusatory or mocking words. Resist the urge to tell a partner how to do something better. ‘Better’ is often another way of saying ‘my way’ vs. ‘your (unfamiliar) way.’
Don’t create lists, timelines, etc. for your partner. That’s another way of ‘parenting.’ Lists can be effective ways to coordinate if they are for you BOTH – just make sure you aren’t making a list for him.
Do not nag. Ever.
Do not create consequences for missed deadlines, ways of doing things, or other things that don’t please you. When you create consequences, vs. allowing the consequences to fall as they will, then you become the authority figure and your partner becomes the ‘subject.’
Work with your partner on using the 3 legged stool treatment model (see my treatment ebook on the home page): i.e. you might suggest a coach, medication, support, but do not decide on the treatment option(s) your partner should use.
For a video on this topic, watch Melissa with Jeff Copper on Attention Talk Video.
Tags: Parent/Child Dynamics, tasks, taking responsibility
August 1, 2017
7 Dangerous Myths About Anger and ADHD
Start hereAnger, Frustration & ADHD
Anger and ADHD go together frequently, and as may be expected, this anger and resentment can consume both partners. Advice such as “Let it go” can be interpreted as “Let him walk all over you” – this is not what I am suggesting for you.
I believe strongly that each person must find a method that works for them in order to release the pain and dark feelings that can make you ill. It may be counterintuitive, but letting go of your anger – essentially forgiving yourself and your spouse for your past – is a gift to yourself that frees you to move forward. “Letting go” is not ceding control, it’s taking control. It enables an independent spirit, allowing you to be in greater control of your life.
7 Dangerous Myths About Anger
If you find it difficult to envision how you might overcome anger, it could be that you are falling victim to some destructive myths about anger and ADHD.
Myth 1 – I can’t help it – my spouse drives me to It
Sure you can! Hand over the responsibility of “fixing” ADHD to the partner who has it, while at the same time reclaiming your own happiness. In addition, work diligently at training yourself to express anger in positive and constructive ways. By not “fixing” the ADHD partner or symptoms, you acknowledge that managing ADHD is the responsibility of your partner, and you can (and should) offer the “gift” of support, but accept responsibility only for you and your needs. Although you may fear that your partner will fail, it is in both of your best interests to avoid the feeling that you “must” take on certain things, as this will circle back to resentment and anger.
Myth 2 – My anger will force my partner to change
No it won’t! Managing ADHD symptoms is done best in a supportive environment that is based in love, commitment and time. An angry environment will force your partner to become defensive and angry in return, thus creating a poisonous environment that is the opposite of what an ADHD person needs in order to be successful. Not only will your anger not force a change, it will virtually assure that it doesn’t occur.
Myth 3 – My partner deserves it
Anger is a sign that things are out of balance and that changes must be addressed. Verbal abuse, yelling, screaming, belittling, shutting down or shutting out are forms of punishment and bullying. No one “deserves” to be punished by a spouse.
Myth 4 – Getting it all out will make me feel better
While short bursts of anger may be a good thing as it can release bad feelings and perhaps start a dialog, pervasive anger only worsens the relationship because the structural foundation and ability to work on the symptoms remains unchanged.
Myth 5 - It's not my ADHD...my partner's anger is the issue in our relationship
The anger that non-ADHD partners experience does create problems in the relationship, but a couple's problems are never just the fault of one partner. Over time, repetitive ADHD symptoms and 'under-functioning' encourage non-ADHD partners to 'over-function' and, often to experience chronic anger. In order to fix the issue, BOTH partners need to own their issues, and work to contribute themselves better to the relationship. That means managing ADHD fully, and elminiating anger in both partners.
Myth 6 – If I feel hopeless, I should disconnect
Exhaustion from a draining relationship is common, yet disconnection isn’t the solution. “I need to protect myself” is a phrase I hear, but it is important to recognize that the pain will not go away by disconnecting - and disconnection never makes a good marriage. Don’t disconnect; seek help.
Myth 7 – If I deny my ADHD, the problems will go away
ADHD won’t “go away”, but it needs to be effectively managed with treatment, preferably with a multi-pronged approach. Read more on optimizing your ADHD treatment in my free Optimizing Treatment for Adult ADHD e-book (see the home page).
July 24, 2017
8 Tips for Supporting a College Student with ADHD
Communication Tips with ADHD
"Help! My 20 year old just got diagnosed with ADHD and we are falling into many of the patterns you describe with ADHD and non-ADHD partners. I recently punished her for something and she's so mad at me she moved out. I'm worried to death because she is about to embark for 4 year college, and has had trouble even taking our local college courses and passing. What do I do?"
This is a synopsis of an email I recently received from a worried mother who is trying to figure out how to strengthen her relationship with her now adult daughter and help her survive college. She is understandably worried - many students with ADHD fail in their first year as they move away from the structure mom and dad have provided at home and have to 'make it' on their own for the first time. They have trouble organizing themselves effectively for college, and keeping themselves from being carried away by the temptations and distractions of college social life.
The good news is that the daughter has a diagnosis now, and has access to both treatment and support she might not otherwise have had. I'm hoping she and her parents might read my e-book on optimizing the treatment of adult ADHD (see the home page for this free download!) The bad news is that the mother/daughter relationship is in tough shape at the moment. It needs to be changed.
8 tips for helping your ADHD college student
Move out of your old parenting role - the one in which you told your child what s/he should do, and expected it to happen. Your child is in charge of his/her life now, and your acknowledging their power to choose will strengthen your relationship. If you have information you want them to know, offer it up for your child's review, with an overt understanding that it is up to your child to decide what to do with the information. (Note: this doesn't apply to finances. If you are paying the bills or there is a scholarship inivolved, you have every right to dictate the terms of that assistance, including expected GPA to continue (the case with many merit scholarships), how much your child must contribute and what happens if s/he doesn't meet the terms.)
Try not to have pre-conceived expectations about what your child 'should' do for a career. It's particularly important that those with ADHD pursue what naturally interests them, as this helps them stay motivated, in spite of their ADHD. I know one young adult with ADHD who has gone into organic farming (likes the outdoors and exercise) while another who has become a circus acrobat (and is much happier now that she is no longer trying to make it in an office job.)
Stay in touch - not to oversee what your child is up to, but to listen to his or her stories of success. So call or text regularly - but not TOO regularly! If s/he says something that worries you ("I got really, really drunk last night...") don't give a lecture about bad choices, just make yourself available as a back up. ("Are you all right?")
Ask...don't assume. If you just saw a really great book on ADHD treatment, or are curious about the resource center at your child's college, ask them if it's okay if you send the book along, or do a bit of research about programs at their college (with a promise to share anything of interest you find.) This helps change the nature of your relationship from one of power (parent) to one of less power (child) to a relationship that says "you are in charge of your own life now...I'm just here to support and love you as I can." This is a hard shift for many parents to make, particularly if they are concerned that a child is going to stumble. Just remember - your child is going to make his or her decisions no matter what you do...so what you are really doing here is positioning yourself as a loving resource for a time when/if they are ready to ask for your help.
Don't discipline. Once your child is an adult, you are officially out of the disciplining business. For better or worse, your child gets to learn from his/her mistakes. There are some exceptions to this one - if your child is becoming addicted to a substance or breaking the law, an intervention is often appropriate (this isn't really disciplining...but similar enough to mention here.)
Think in terms of giving gentle 'advice,' but know that your child might not take it. Parents have a lot of accumulated wisdom. But that doesn't mean your child will accept yours. Think back to your own early 20s and you'll know what I mean!
Celebrate successes! Your child may or may not struggle, but there will be many successes. Make sure to notice them and tell your college student how interested you are in what they are doing and how proud you are of him or her.
Ask about grades each quarter...not so you can oversee them, but so you can help or encourage your student to get the resources needed if s/he is falling behind. Don't be judgmental (as your student will stop sharing their grades.) Rather, be pro-active and helpful.
Tags: college, discipline, parenting ADHD, young adult, tips
July 13, 2017
Being Who You Are
Quote of the Week
“I truly believe that the privilege of a lifetime is being who you are."
- Viola Davis
Being Who You Are
I agree with Davis – being who you are is great! But…understand that this has ramifications in a relationship. If you feel that it’s important to indulge your hair trigger anger and are regularly violent because you’ve ‘always been that way’, for example, you will have trouble sustaining a relationship. You may be ‘you’ but you will be alone.
There are two versions of this ‘accept me as I am’ that I hear with ADHD couples that don’t work for me. First, there is the ADHD partner who says ‘love me unconditionally and accept me as I am’ while taking little or no control of ADHD symptoms that make the partner’s life completely miserable. Second, there is the non-ADHD partner who feels that controlling behaviors are justified due to chaos, and takes over everything…trampling others. (Yes, non-ADHD partners are going to think I have put that unkindly…but when you overperform in a relationship, this is what you are doing.)
Instead of the “I get to be who I get to be” attitude if you indulge in it, how about looking at what makes a good partner instead? And, if you think that includes things like being respectful, affection, kind or level-headed…then the first place to start is with yourself.
We are all unique, and that’s part of what is great in life. But unique is different from awful or hurtful. Make sure you know the difference.
Are you a good partner? .... Join ADHD and Non-ADHD Tele-Support and Coaching groups starting in January. Learn more here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in January 2018.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Inti macy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
What are Your Links?
Quote of the Week
“When you consider who you want to marry, make sure you find someone with whom you can have a lively discussion about what is happening in the world around you every morning for sixty years."
- Bill Moyers
What are Your Links?
Okay, I love this quote! And, no, my husband and I don’t actually do this. In fact, we both eat breakfast together while reading something…just to have a quiet start to our day.
But what Moyers is really saying is ‘find someone who will be interesting to you every day’ and on that front we do very well! In fact, this is one of the places where I view my husband’s ADHD as a clear advantage – he is NEVER boring! Our relationship has interesting twists and turns to it, and if it’s not him coming up with a new idea, it’s me…and he’s almost always ready to embrace it. Why not? For the eternally curious with ADHD, the world can be a place of limitless possibilities!
And, like Moyers, we respect each other’s ideas. Oh yeah, we don’t always agree, and there is at least one topic we have set as off limits because we both fervently believe the exact opposite of the other. It gets ugly! But respect and interest is always there. If we didn’t like to read at breakfast so much we could definitely have a lively conversation at any time.
What about you? And if you’re not able to say this right now, is it simply because you’re too angry to engage? What ARE your links?
No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts in January. Register here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in January.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
My Partner Deserves It
Quote of the Week
“An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind."
- Mahatma Ghandi
My Partner Deserves It
It’s easy to believe that if one is wronged by one’s partner, that ‘justifies’ anger or negative behavior back. How many ADHD partners have told me “if my non-ADHD partner would just be nice to me, everything would be okay no matter how I behave?” And how many non-ADHD partners have told me “I yell at my partner because that’s the only way to get his or her attention?”
Neither or those attitudes creates a strong relationship. Instead, they serve to reinforce the negative opinions your partner might hold and let him or her off the hook for creating change. “Why should I work so hard when my partner doesn’t budge?” is the thought process.
I am NOT EVER suggesting you or your partner should roll over and just live a life that is unfulfilling or even cruel. You shouldn’t hide what you need. Rather, I’m suggesting that there are destructive ways to respond to your partner and constructive. ADHD partners can choose to hear their partner’s distress and respond by better managing difficult symptoms. Non-ADHD partners can resist the temptation to yell to get attention, and instead touch a partner on the arm and provide enough time for the ADHD partner to transition attention from what s/he was doing to the task at hand.
How many times this week could you have made a more constructive response to your partner?
Both ADHD and Non ADHD partners - learn constructive responses in individual and couples telesupport coaching groups - beginning early January. Learn more here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
- Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts January 30, 2018.
Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
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