Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 60
April 25, 2017
ADHD and Me: How a Google Search Changed My Life
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHDWomen with ADHDADHD Voices
The Background
For five years, my husband thought I was I was a lazy, selfish, apathetic person with a questionable moral code. In his defense, and in mine, I never tried to correct his thinking because I agreed with it. I thought it was just who I was — who I’d been since I could remember. The first year of our relationship went mostly without incident, as it was still new, and I was trying my hardest to be what I assumed was a normal adult. I cooked, I cleaned up after myself, I brushed my teeth, I showed up places on time, and I took care of my financial- and work-related obligations. But as soon as I felt comfortable, I slipped back into being me. Not washing my dishes, throwing my entire wardrobe on the floor, forgetting to pay bills on time, not following through with what I said I would do. My actions became the impetus for all of our fights, which remains true to this day. My husband would call me out on my screw-ups, I would promise to change, he would give me another chance to fix myself and become what we both labeled "better," and then I would turn around and do the same things again. After five years of this, we were on the brink of imploding. It seemed as if he was threatening to divorce me at least once a week. To his credit, he stayed because the love between us is the kind you read about in books. But we were quickly realizing love wasn’t enough.
In February 2016, my husband sent me a midday text asking if I would pick up Tums from Walmart on my way home from work. Even after I responded that I would be happy to, he sent a follow-up reminder at 4 p.m. and then called when I was en route to the store to thank me in advance. He clearly knows his wife. After an hour at Walmart shopping for things we probably didn't need, I arrived home and started unpacking the plastic bags when he came into the kitchen to give me a kiss and to, presumably, get his Tums. When I heard him ask where they were in the nicest of tones, my heart sank as I remembered that I didn't remember to buy them. I gave him a wide-eyed look and said, "I'll be right back," while running out of house. Five minutes later he realized I left, called, and said, "You forgot the Tums, didn't you?" I said yes but assured him I would be back with them in 20 minutes. He yelled at me, saying he reminded me three times and wondered how I could have possibly forgotten, and then he accused me of not caring. You see, this offense, which would appear minor to most everyone, was magnified, as it was one of thousands of instances in which I told him I would do something and did not. After hanging up on me, he Googled the phrase "wife constantly forgets things."
The Turning Point
The first link he clicked took him to the 2010 New York Times article "Attention Disorders Can Take a Toll on Marriage." As he read, he noticed so many similarities between the information that writer Tara Parker-Pope included and what was happening in our own marriage. Hitting him especially hard was a quote from Melissa Orlov that read, "I felt like he was consistently inconsistent. I could never count on him. It goes from feeling responsible for everything to just chronic anger. I didn’t like the person I’d become either.” If asked to write a short statement about how he felt in our marriage, I am confident that his would have mirrored hers exactly. I arrived home, Tums in tow, bracing for a huge argument during which I would defend myself and try to make him see how this wasn't the big deal he was making it into–a familiar tactic I’d used for years–but instead, I walked into an "Intervention-" like atmosphere I’d only seen on TLC. He told me what transpired when I left, and he said for the first time in our five-year relationship he's starting to think the laziness and selfishness and forgetfulness and apathy he saw in me might be something else entirely. He excitedly read the article to me, and when he was finished, we both cried. I cried because it was the first time I considered that I wasn't lazy or selfish or forgetful or apathetic, and he cried because of the way he's treated me without knowing there was a real excuse, and we both cried because we'd been on the brink of divorce for so long, and all of a sudden there was hope.
The Diagnosis
The diagnosis of ADHD I received in the weeks following was the best thing that ever happened to me. It allowed me to make sense of my entire life, and it kick-started me on the road to understanding and betterment. Like most of us who are diagnosed in adulthood, the news wasn't the least bit shocking. When my therapist asked about my academic history, I was able to clearly see all of the signs and trace my first ADHD-related memory to second grade timed math tests. I couldn’t finish them until a math tutor gave me a Lemonhead candy to suck on while working, which created movement and stimulus, and allowed me to focus. That candy was a godsend.
I went on to struggle with ADHD and the associated anxiety and depression for the next 22 years of my life. Though it took me six years and several failed courses, I graduated from a top-ranking university with a bachelor's degree in journalism, and I’ve had a successful eight-year, award-winning career as a newspaper reporter, which, after excellent counseling and personal research, I attribute to the dopamine approaching deadlines provide. Dopamine is responsible for motivation, and, most unfortunately, the ADHD brain doesn’t produce a normal amount until there is a stressor (which also explains why I don’t start cleaning my house until 30 minutes before company arrives or why I don’t pack my suitcase until 10 minutes before walking out the door for vacation).
The Present
I know ADHD is not something that will ever go away, and I realize it will be a lifelong journey of management, but I am so grateful to be finally embarking on it. The majority of my life has been a crushing daily struggle, but thanks to the work Melissa does and the outreach and awareness she provides, I am no longer living in a square puzzle with round pieces. Thanks to that NYT article in which she shared her own story, my marriage has slowly but drastically improved over the last year. Where there was anger and resentment and an invisible blockade, there is now understanding and compassion and help. I am only in the beginning stages of treatment, but I have never been so positive about my future.
For the last six months I’ve been searching for ways to tell my story, and I am so excited to be sharing it with you via this blog. Receiving my diagnosis changed my life for the way better, and it’s become a passion of mine to help others who struggle with ADHD as much as I did and still do. While I feel it’s my duty as a journalist to be truthful and emotionally open with my audience, I’ve chosen not to use my last name to respect the request of my husband, whose story it is, too. But even with a missing last name, I promise to always be raw and real when telling my stories, no matter how ridiculous I make myself sound. So, now that it’s on the internet, I would like to take this time to officially introduce myself to you. My name is Katie, and I have ADHD.
ADHD Marriage Mobile Friendly Site Kicks Off 10th Year Anniversary Celebration
Resources
Ten years of helping couples navigate the ins and outs of living with adult ADHD is worth celebrating! So last year I challenged myself to start thinking about what else I ought to provide that would help struggling couples fall in love all over again. You may have seen some of it already - a free e-book about treatment to help ADHD partners; new tele-support groups for individuals with ADHD and another one for partners of ADHD given by the wonderful Jill Corvelli, and now this mobile-friendly website that makes it MUCH easier to access information from your phone and tablet.
But that's just the start of the celebration - more is coming!
a video in which three couples tell their stories of how they turned around their struggling relationships and fell in love again (these couples who were all in very bad places, wanted to tell you that there IS hope!)
the addition of a wonderful new blogger who is a woman with ADHD, to add to the ADHD partner support on the site (Katie will start soon!!)
specific 'In focus' resource pages that provide vital, in-depth information about topics I get asked regular questions about - women with ADHD, for example, or sex and ADHD
geographically based workshops for couples who want to work in-depth with me on improving their relationship skills
a new resource for ADHD adults to instill lasting behavioral changes
If you get these blog posts by email, come visit our updated website - and feel free to send us your feedback. In addition, I would love to hear from you - what else would help you as you seek to improve your ADHD-impacted relationship?
April 6, 2017
6 Reasons Your ADHD Partner May Not Lead…and What To Do About It
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 04/06/2017.
ADHD Marriage: Anger, Frustration & ADHDCommunication Tips with ADHD
While it is not always the case, I observe that many people with ADHD are not all that great at reaching out to partners and family in order to engage, even if they are really good in general social settings. This lack of initiation takes on a lot of different forms – a few examples: not initiating conversation; not spontaneously thinking up or planning dates; not thinking of ways to connect with the kids; not initiating sex, and more.
This wasn’t what non-ADHD and other ADHD partners expected to see in the relationship, because when you first met it was all about ‘hyperfocus courtship.’ The ADHD partners were very attentive and interested, and initiated a lot of (fun) stuff to do together. The result – lack of initiation after marriage creates a good deal of conflict. I hear all the time from non-ADHD partners who say “one of the things that bothers me most about our relationship is that I have to always LEAD! I want my partner to show s/he cares by reaching out to me sometimes.”
Common Reasons ADHD Adults May Not Lead
It’s worth understanding what’s going on. Here are 5 common reasons why ADHD partners can really struggle when it comes to reaching out to show you they care:
Very inwardly focused. Many with ADHD are quite happy ‘doing their own thing.’ At home that can feel disconnected to partners and family, even as the ADHD partner is quite happily off in his or her zone. (Note: ‘inwardly focused’ is NOT the same thing as selfish – it’s just being happy in your own self and doing your own thing. To partners who feel resentful, it can seem selfish…but that’s not the origin and I urge you to move away from that thinking.)
Difficulty reading emotional cues. Research shows that adults with ADHD have more trouble than most reading the emotional cues that others give off. This means that when non-ADHD partners are feeling down and needy, it may not register with the ADHD partner. At times of need, when non-ADHD partners expect someone to notice and reach out, this doesn’t happen. It’s jarring and hard not to take personally, even though it may be a result of ADHD.
Not wanting to disappoint. As relationships struggle, low self-esteem can encourage even previously gregarious ADHD adults to withdraw. Sometimes they fear that they will ‘guess wrong’ with their partner and disappoint them. Other times, they fear being judged for doing something unexpected or ‘stupid.’
The ‘blank mind.’ There are times when some folks with ADHD tell me that their normally incredibly busy minds ‘go on break.’ At those times, it’s hard to connect with anyone.
Difficulty getting organized or remembering. Some connections take organizational skill – for example remembering to send an email or text; setting up an afternoon picnic; or disconnecting from the computer to go have sex as you promised earlier. Living in the present moment, as many with ADHD do to a real extreme, often means that things in the now (whatever it is) is more immediate than the important business of doing things with your partner.
Sometimes, it’s boring. Let’s face it, some of the stuff non-ADHD partners want to engage around isn’t all that fun – household chores being number one on that list. Yes, they need to be done, so ‘boring’ isn’t an excuse to not carry some of the load. But non-ADHD partners need to understand that for ADHD adults, getting yourself going on stuff that you don’t like to do is a pretty big task. It’s much easier to engage with stuff that’s stimulating and interesting. This is a part of how the ADHD brain works that a lot of non-ADHD partners have trouble accepting or understanding.
Your relationship is too bad. I can't leave this reason off, sadly. Some don't connect because they are so angry, frustrated, unhappy or depressed. Disconnection becomes the coping strategy of choice. Sadly, this won't get you anywhere as a couple - you can't fix most relaitonship problems by disconnecting. If you are in this category, I suggest that you consider reading my books and taking my ADHD Effect Couples seminar to change the conversation (or lack thereof) in your relaitonship.
The Fixes
Understand ADHD better – it’s NOT personal (at least, not usually!) If you know ADHD and how it manifests, you can create habits that acknowledge and respect your differences. I’ll give you two examples in our household. My husband doesn’t plan social events. Ever. I understand this isn’t his forte, so I do all of our social planning without resentment. After all, these things are fun for me, too.
A second example. Though that mind is going all the time, my husband doesn’t tend to reach out and ask my opinion of things. It’s not that he’s not interested, it’s that he doesn’t think along those lines. He’s often ‘in his zone.’ So I reach out to start conversations with him so we can share our experiences and opinions. Again, no hard feelings. We get to hear each other, he’s genuinely interested in what I have to say (at least most of the time!) and we connect. Back when I didn’t understand ADHD so well and equated his lack of initiation with disinterest, this was a big area of hard feelings for me. Now I get it – it really isn’t personal.
Speak up. Nicely. Don’t expect your partner to read your ADHD emotional cues. If you need a hug, or your partner’s undivided attention for something, say so.
Insist your ADHD partner provide enough ‘attend time.’ Creating connection isn’t about the non-ADHD partner just adjusting to ADHD quirks. This is about being realistic about how to get what you need. Set aside blocks of time where the whole point is to have fun together and/or show you care. That might be dates; walks in the woods; cuddling…whatever. Make it away from other distractions (read computers and phones!) and just for you two. Schedule it. Don’t miss it. Reach out. Encourage your partner to reach back and reinforce all efforts in that direction in a positive way. It should be fun and fulfilling for both of you.
Acknowledge the boredom factor. Telling an ADHD partner that they ought to be able to engage with boring stuff doesn't help - in fact, it tends to reinforce shame. Instead, accept that this is an aspect of ADHD that you both need to work around. Set up a system where both the ADHD and non-ADHD partner participate in setting the chore priorities, and make sure that you both take on tasks that utilize your relative strengths and interests as best possible. Focus on how long it takes each partner to do things, and fill in the time allotted with your highest priority items. Remember, you both have a say in what those priorities are.
Differentiate ‘leading’ from ‘parent/child.’ This is a really important one. Parent/child is when one partner takes over and the other is diminished or loses status in the relationship. It’s a really common dynamic in struggling ADHD-impacted relationships. Leading is when one partner initiates an activity and invites a partner of equal status to join in. It builds status of the other partner, particularly when that partner gladly joins the activity.
Stop dwelling on initiation. The most important thing isn’t who leads…it’s that you connect. Does it really, truly matter whether one partner plans the date or the other? You both get the chance to have fun. Yep. In our household I often lead (though certainly not always). And here is why I’m okay with that. Because now that our relationship is great, when I initiate something my husband happily joins in. We connect and have fun. It’s not that he doesn’t love me. It’s that he’s not great at getting out of his zone. For me, that connection is way more important than who leads.
March 28, 2017
How to Treat ADHD with Diet and Nutrition Changes
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 03/28/2017.
Want to treat your ADHD with dietary changes? Here is what you need to know, from a recent review of multiple research studies on the topic.
Your best bet - try specially designed multi-vitamins.
One of the most promising areas in using nutritional changes to improve ADHD symptoms is that of using ‘multi-ingredient, broad spectrum micronutrient supplements’ (BSM) designed specifically for mental as well as physical health. In other words, specially designed multi-vitamin and nutrient pills. One study done with adults showed effect sizes ranging from .46 - .67, which is comparable to Strattera. The supplement used in that study was EMPowerPlus, but other studies using other BSMs have also shown positive results. In order to get the benefit, you must keep taking the BSM, but the good news is in the EMPowerplus study, the 20% who continued for a year had reductions of symptoms into the non-clinical range (it might be that those people who were the ones getting the best results were also the ones who chose to continue taking the pills, so be wary of this finding.) In any event, it seems that breadth of ingredients is important when it comes to using supplements to help manage ADHD.
Going gluten-free helps 15% of those with ADHD.
Those with ADHD have a much higher incidence of celiac disease (15%) than does the general population (1%). For those who have undiagnosed Celiac, removing gluten from your diet can make a huge difference in diminishing symptoms. If you get a stomach ache when you drink beer, or find that many breads (or Chinese food) don’t agree with you, you might be in this category.
Omega 3 supplementation may help…or may not.
Research is mixed on whether omega 3 supplementation works, though a meta-analysis of studies on the topic demonstrated a link between low Omega 3 levels and having ADHD. Since the majority of Americans are low in Omega 3s, Omega 3 supplements won’t hurt you and may help a little. It’s also good for your heart health and brain function more generally. If you want to find out your Omega 3 status, you can get an at home kit for testing Omega-3 levels in your blood from Zone Labs for $75. NOTE: the caveat here is that fish oil is a blood thinner – so talk with your doctor before taking fish oil if you are on any medications that might thin your blood, bruise easily, or are planning surgery.
Eliminating food color additives may help a few people, but not most.
After Feingold introduced his elimination diet as a way to treat ADHD in 1975, a lot of research has been done into whether or not limiting the kinds of foods one eats might help diminish the expression of ADHD symptoms. After decades of debate, the research suggests that about 8% of children may benefit from the elimination of food color additives to which they are allergic, but at a very low effect size (ranging from .18 to .29 in research). So for most people, eliminating food colorings and narrowing your diet beyond healthy eating isn’t recommended, and may cause nutritional deficiencies, to boot.
Less alcohol is better, particularly if you are taking medications.
Both stimulants and anti-depressants don’t mix all that well with alcohol. The former sends very contrary signals to your body, which places stress on it. And alcohol is a depressant…which sort of misses the point. Yes, alcohol can calm the ADHD mind by deadening it somewhat, but there are better ways.
What about just eating a really good diet of whole foods?
It turns out there is research on this…and today’s farming methods produce foods that don’t have the same level of some important nutrients as those from, say, the 1940s. So much so, in fact that the researchers who wrote the report this post is based on noted “expression of (ADHD) symptoms could be the result of the combination of nutrient depletion with the genetics of someone who may have a higher need for nutrients for optimal brain functioning.” We know that ADHD is genetic, but also influenced by environmental factors. Nutrition may be one. Why not use this information to help you improve your health and, hopefully, better manage your symptoms?
Information for this blog post came from The Role of Diet and Nutrient Supplementation in the Treatment of ADHD, by Julia J. Rucklidge, Ph.D., and Jeanette M. Johnstone, Ph.D. in the Dec. ’16 issue of The ADHD Report, edited by Russell Barkley.
March 16, 2017
Words of Encouragement from a Man with ADHD
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 03/16/2017.ADHD Marriage: Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
I am a 72-year old retired professor of International Relations and Middle East Politics, with life-long experience dealing with my ADHD. In my case this involves highly inconsistent memory, impulsivity and a restless mind bouncing from topic to topic. This post is designed to give voice and encouragement to those with this neuro-chemical condition and it’s challenging behavioral effects.
Despite my professional achievements, the unpredictability of ADHD effects was always lurking. I hated my self-described 3 “D’s”: different, deficient and defective. It seemed one or more of these popped up with each ADHD episode, driving me down into my rabbit hole. In eighth-grade orchestra we were told to wear a white shirt for the big concert. This instruction immediately left my mind, and the next day I was the only one wearing blue. Luckily I sat in the back row entwined in a wrap-around tuba so the audience could not see this discrepancy. I would brood on these occurrences, building up a reservoir of guilt and shame. The fear of being “found out” added to this burden.
My first big break from this scenario came when I enlisted in the U.S. Army Security Agency. Based on acing a language aptitude test during basic training, my next assignment was one year at the Defense Language Institute, Monterey, CA, followed by a year in Turkey, and two years at Ft. Meade, MD. The structure of military training and duty subdued the ADHD, providing my first sense of ability and accomplishment. After honorable discharge I used the G.I Bill to earn bachelor and masters degrees, then later completed my doctorate. The classroom, both as a student and a teacher, provided me the same structure and venue of competency that the military did.
However, neither I nor my wife could reconcile this professional success with my inability to manage the mechanics of every-day life. This became more evident after my retirement. ADHD was the elephant in the room, but we did not recognize how much it affected our relationship. I first learned of ADHD in a 2005 Atlanta Journal Constitution article listing 25 indicators of this condition – I had 23 of them! Later we found Melissa’s The ADHD Effect on Marriage, then we took her “boot camp” ADHD Effect seminar. Over the last year we did several counseling sessions with her. From all this a few key items emerged.
First, it is critical to get sufficient information on ADHD, including the physical elements and how they relate to individual behavior. Putting a name to the condition allows the person with it (and their spouse) to deal with the situation in a focused manner. It is just as necessary to get the meds right; in my case that is Evekeo 5mg taken twice daily. This may require finding a specialist to prescribe the exact drug, rather than relying on a general practitioner.
Second, it is very important to recognize that ADHD is a real physical condition, rather than to deny that it exists. Therefore it must be dealt with just like any other medical issue. Each person’s mix of symptoms varies, so it takes time to understand fully how to proceed. Finally, the non-ADHD spouse must recognize how their words and actions help or hinder the process of adjusting to the impacts on the marriage as they arise. Taken as a whole, these three items allow both partners to handle ADHD effectively.
My main point is that anyone with ADHD can take control of their own approach to this condition. It means deciding for yourself that by doing so your daily life will be easier. Your relationships with non-ADHD persons also will improve. I definitely can attest my 45-year marriage has benefited from changing my mind-set from passive acceptance to active management. So go for it!!
March 13, 2017
Rock Bottom
Quote of the Week
“Rock bottom is an identity changer. I was a mom and a wife and a writer, and those things were good. If you ask a woman who she is, she’ll tell you who she serves and sometimes what she does. But that isn’t the whole story.”
- Glennon Doyle
Rock Bottom
It’s almost inevitable that hitting rock bottom forces you to assess your life. Who are you? What do you want from your life? Doyle discovered that she had been hiding behind her roles – mother, wife, writer. Some hide behind roles such as ‘provider,’ ‘athlete’ or ‘person with (or without) ADHD.’
But that’s not the whole story – not even the best part of who you are. For you are a person who is…(fill in the blank here) curious; happy; a deep thinker; an empath; loving; inventive; resilient…you get the idea. We are not what we do. We are not our label (ADHD or non)…we are something more. Emotions. Connection points. A bundle of strengths.
Who are you underneath your roles and labels? Who is your partner?
Do you feel like you are at Rock Bottom? My next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts in October. If you can't wait that long, consider the self-study version.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
The Martyr
Quote of the Week
“If you’re chronically overextended, under-appreciated and very, very angry, there’s a simple solution: Stop playing the martyr…a martyr is sweet on the outside, but inside she’s a roiling mess, overwhelmed by work, stifled by her relationships, secretly mad at everyone.”
- Martha Beck
The Martyr
I’m going to offend some non-ADHD partners here. But this is worth saying. Though you may think that you have to pick up all the pieces in your relationship in order for you both to survive, you actually don’t. That’s a choice you are making. In fact, taking on all of the responsibilities that your ADHD partner is having trouble with actually serves to extend your relationship problems. It builds chronic resentment and anger, and doesn’t give the ADHD partner a reason to start managing the ADHD better.
So, rather than becoming a martyr (I know, I hate the phrase, too!) choose to constructively respond by saying ‘no’ where appropriate, and requesting that your partner figure out how to step up to take on his or her rightful responsibilities. Yes, that will be an extended conversation. Yes, the ADHD partner will need lots of education and support. But there are very few ADHD adults who can’t step up once they make up their minds to do so…and your stepping away from being a martyr will speed up that process of deciding to take it on.
What are you doing that’s not ‘yours’ that’s making you resentful?
P.S. To be successful don’t just abdicate responsibilities by saying ‘here – they’re now yours!’ Instead, talk with your ADHD partner and plan together for a smooth transition. Remember that ADHD partners need to have a good support structure in place for reminders and plans before they will succeed. If this weren’t the case, they would already be doing whatever that project is. And if they try yet again without that structure it’s a recipe for failure and discouragement…not in anyone’s interest!
A great place to start... if you haven’t read them, are my two books: The ADHD Effect on Marriage (now also on Audible) and The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
Security
Quote of the Week
“It is in compassion where our security lies.”
- Representative from the House of Peace, Ipswich, MA on NPR
Security
Power struggles abound in relationships impacted by ADHD. Non-ADHD partners seek to exert control of the chaos that having a partner with ADHD introduces into their lives. ADHD partners bristle at being parented and overseen. Both seek improved feelings of security.
That’s why I was so moved by this quote. The way to move away from parent/child is to learn just how different the two of you are…and just how hard it is to be your partner. It’s tough – really tough – living with ADHD day in and day out if you’re the one who has it. And it’s also incredibly challenging to be a non-ADHD partner who is responsible for much more than s/he originally expected due to an ADHD partner’s struggles to get symptoms under control.
You both may feel abandoned, put upon, and sad.
Compassion for your partner is the way out of this. By seeking to be compassionate, you start the process of rebuilding your relationship – providing space and inspiration for you both to do all the hard work that lies ahead. It’s a far healthier – and more successful – path than choosing anger, resentment and conflict.
Are you actively seeking to be compassionate with your partner?
Did you join me last night for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar? .... If not, it's NOT too late. You can access the recording (plus any future session you may miss) and join live the next seven sessions. Receive individualized attention and get your questions answered directly by me. Register here.....the next one won't be until the fall.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my highly acclaimed couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn their relationships around. It's available live or as a self-study course and is a unique resource for creating the joy you thought you had lost. Read testimonials here - it really does change lives for the better!
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
Choose to Grow
Quote of the Week
“You can let life’s inevitable torments cut you down – or you can use them to grow.”
- Elizabeth Gilbert
Choose to Grow
I was talking with a therapist one time about the pain both my husband and I had been experiencing and trying to work through. It was a difficult time for us, and I was struggling to understand my husband’s response to therapy, about which he definitely had ambivalent feelings. I found this therapist’s words reassuring. “I don’t know how this will go, but I hope that your husband will choose to engage with this pain because if he does, he has the opportunity to really grow.”
I didn’t have any control over whether or not my husband would take on that challenge, of course. But just knowing that something good and long-lasting could come out of this difficult period gave me courage.
Life does have inevitable ups and downs. I urge you to think of them as an opportunity to gain wisdom and direction.
Starting March 28th - Are you ready to learn how to manage ADHD in your relationship so you can thrive? If so, it's time to register for my couple's seminar, given by conference call. Don't miss this chance to turn your relationship around. Register here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2017 Melissa Orlov
February 23, 2017
No, ADHD is Not Fake!
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 02/23/2017.ADHD Marriage: Start hereDiagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
Recently a poster suggested that ADHD is not real - and that those who have ADHD only exhibit the symptoms because they think they have ADHD - in other words, they convince themselves into having ADHD. Maybe I'm just cranky about all of the 'alternative facts' versions of reality I'm getting pelted with these days, but this idea really fired me up. I can't just let it go. Because it's egregiously and outrageously wrong...and spreading myths like this is really hurtful to people who have to figure out how to live with - and manage - ADHD.
It is a well documented FACT that ADHD is real - here's what two top researchers said about this question:
"Statements to the effect that ADHD is not a valid disorder, is a myth created by mercenary pharmaceutical companies or mental health professionals for sheer commercial gain, or is indistinct from the other disorders with which it may be associated are not only wrong, they are egregiously so. Numerous difference emerged in the context of these two studies between those with ADHD and general population (community) controls and between those with ADHD and Clinical control groups (those with other mental health diagnoses) that make such assertions moribund. To continue to make such statements in the face of such overwhelming evidence to the contrary is to show either a stunning scientific illiteracy or reflect planned religious or political propaganda intended to deceive the uninformed or unsuspecting general public." (Barkley, Murphy and Fischer ADHD in Adults: What the Science Says, p. 435)
Individual people may not LIKE ADHD or the fact that it exists and impacts millions of people, but the actual facts (vs. the opinion or alternative facts this poster was passing along as fact) are unassailable. It DOES exist, and it DOES matter. About 5% of adult have ADHD. Anyone who wants to further pursue the question of whether the researchers (and the CDC) have gotten this right can take a look at the book above, which includes a thorough review of not only the two longitudinal studies mentioned in the quote, but also covers and references over 360 other studies about ADHD and its impact.
The myth that ADHD is not real or is somehow a moral failing (either not trying hard enough, or something you cook up to be able to get attention) is crazy and hurtful talk. It perpetuates the idea that ADHD is something to be ashamed about; that seeking good treatment (especially medications) shouldn't be necessary - thus impeding treatment; and this myth tears families apart ('if you would just try harder, you could just get over this.')
I'm tired of people pushing alternative facts in a whole lot of arenas these days. My small contribution in the war on science is to set the record straight about ADHD.
Pass this along to anyone who cares about ADHD.
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