Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 45
August 29, 2019
Defensiveness
Quote of the Week
“Defensiveness is “self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off perceived attack…”
-John Gottman
Defensiveness
How defensive are you? Your partner? If you’re struggling in your relationship, your answer could be ‘very!’ Defensiveness shows up as quick trigger anger. It shows up in explaining why you are right and your partner’s recent critique is wrong. It shows up as blame. It shows up when you feel a victim, even though your partner is calmly trying to present his or her point of view to you.
Gottman describes defensiveness as ‘self-protection’ but it is self-protection in the very short term. Defensive responses end conversations or make them worse. They allow you to blame your partner rather than self-reflect in a way that could help you both. Repeated defensiveness encourages your partner to stop engaging with you. And you can’t love someone if you can’t engage with them positively.
Worse, defensiveness keeps you from listening (and learning) and from being listened to. You start to argue over who is right, rather than how to respond. You end up as adversaries, rather than partners. You can’t examine the issue at hand and resolve it because you aren’t on the same team.
Thinking objectively about yourself, could you become less defensive and more open to your partner?
Filling Up Quickly! My Upcoming live seminar starts October 21, the non-adhd support groups start October 15 and the Continuing Course starts October 16.... Don't Delay! Learn more.
Thrilled to be one of the books recommended by HuffPost "15 books all couples should read, according to marriage therapists"
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts October 21, 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
Knowledge and Goodness
Quote of the Week
“We know the importance of knowledge. Thinking with your heart — empathy — is equally important, indeed essential, to living a purposeful and meaningful life. Knowledge and goodness (together create the live well lived)…”
-Principal William Rawson, to the 2019 graduating class of Phillips Exeter Academy
Knowledge and Goodness
You can read a million books and still not be able to act or change. Knowledge is critical – without it we are ignorant, and when ADHD is involved knowledge is indeed power. But knowing is not everything. In order to succeed, you must also be empathetic and think with your heart. It is when you start doing this that your partner understands, inside him or herself, that there is a deep well of love upon which change can be made.
What happens if you have a partner who is not easily empathetic? Sometimes this is too ingrained, either physiologically or habitually, to change. But often I observe couples who have an non-sympathetic partner whose lack of empathy is based upon feeling besieged or attacked. It’s not safe to be empathetic in the relationship. Once the other partner in the relationship starts behaving more kindly, it may become safe enough to risk warmth and empathy. And, indeed, I’ve seen just this happen many times. It can result in real breakthroughs.
What does this mean for you? I would urge you to look inside yourself and ask if you have hardened against your partner. If so, consider ways to become more welcoming and warm. That might include a gratitude journal, counseling, meditation, developing conflict intimacy skills, or just plain listening with an open heart.
Don't Miss Out: My Live Seminar and non-adhd groups start in October. Learn more.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts October 21, 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
Regret
Quote of the Week
“You’re imprisoned…if you’re not willing to admit regret about your past...”
-Elizabeth Saunders, NYT
Regret
Regret and grief are two emotions that many people I work with feel. Most commonly I hear grief and regret expressed about:
• Lost time. What if I had known about ADHD sooner?
• The loss of an imagined relationship. I thought I was going to have a fairy tale relationship, but mine is so hard!
• Missed time with kids. My partner and I fought so much we didn’t get to enjoy our kids as we could have
I’ve felt these sorts of feelings myself, and know that they can hold you hostage if you can’t work through them so you can move forward in a positive way. To do so it can help to understand two things. First, you yourself made decisions that got you to this place. It does not make sense to blame your partner and doing so can make it hard to move on. I chose to marry my husband, I chose to stay with him when I first saw that our relationship would be different than I had anticipated, and I chose to fight with him rather than seek counseling when my kids were younger. So part of the responsibility for where I was (and its resulting grief) lay at my own feet.
So, okay, you played a role in getting to where you are. How do you deal with grief? When ADHD is involved, it can help to tell yourself “I/we did the best I/we could given the information we had at the time. We didn’t know about ADHD or responses to ADHD and we behaved in an understandable, human way to the pressures upon us. But now we know differently, and we can do better.”
Once you have that mindset the world of possibilities can open back up and you are back in charge. You are no longer imprisoned by your feelings about your past. Instead, you can ask yourself “what do I need to do to make my life better?” and “where do I wish to go in my life?”
Is there an opportunity for you to move forward by letting go of regret or moving through your grief?
Registration is Open: My live seminar and adhd and non-adhd groups start in October. Learn more.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts October 21, 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2019 Melissa Orlov
July 29, 2019
14 Tips for When Both Partners Have ADHD
Start here
What’s different when you both have ADHD? Do the same patterns apply? If so, who is in the role of the non-ADHD partner?
And I also get this question – can dual ADHD couples make it?
The answer to the last question is YES! Absolutely! It isn’t the ADHD that dooms you so much as how you handle it, so assuming that you are willing to acknowledge and manage the ADHD, dual ADHD couples can be happy and thrive just as any other couple can do.
When thinking about living together successfully, there are two areas that all couples impacted by ADHD, and dual-ADHD couples in particular, need to be thinking about: 1.) how to get enough stuff done without rancor and 2.) how to stay connected when distraction (and often emotional lability) is a big part of your relationship.
With that in mind, here are my tips:
Both partners need to manage their ADHD. But they may not end up managing it the same way and should not assume what works for them will work for their partner. ADHD manifests in different ways in different people, meaning that the primary symptoms of the several that define ADHD can vary widely by person. So one partner’s primary target symptom may be impulsivity, while the other’s might be hyperactivity or planning. The treatments for these varied symptoms are quite different.
Two distracted partners may mean you need more outside help. People with ADHD often (not always) are pretty messy and disorganized. In ‘mixed’ relationships, the more organized non-ADHD partner picks up the slack, albeit often at a physical and/or mental cost. It’s in the non-ADHD partner’s wheelhouse to do this organizing, but the sheer volume needed can create extreme stress. This physical/mental cost escalates when the more organized partner also has ADHD. I’ve had more organized ADHD partners tell me repeatedly how hard it is for them to take on the organizational role in the household, and how incompetent it generally makes them feel because even though they are more organized than their partner, they still have ADHD! So doing staying organized is particularly taxing. To get around this, I recommend hiring outside help with organizing. That might mean: a housecleaner who is willing to also pick up; a personal assistant for bills; a handy-person to do small repairs a few times a year; yard assistance; tutoring assistance for children, etc. Yes, these all cost money, but overwhelmed adults with ADHD don’t function well, so stretching to pay for this help can be worth it.
Use as much automation as possible. Put as many bills as you can on autopay; set up your home’s thermostats onto Nest or similar that can be managed away from home (in case you forget to turn down the heat when you leave for vacation); use MINT to keep you on budget; share your calendars electronically and more. The more that happens automatically, the better you will be. (Try to set these things up before you have kids if you can because after that you are even busier...)
Don’t try to be like your neighbors. It’s okay if your house isn’t picked up and your lawn needed mowing last week. What matters most is the love in your home, not your organizational skills…assuming your electricity doesn’t get turned off and your home repossessed because you forgot to pay the bills.
Live well under your means. Adult ADHD brings with it a chance that one or both of you will have employment issues at some point. All families (ADHD or not) should save in order to set aside at least 6-12 months of living expenses in case of an emergency. If you both have ADHD, I recommend at least a 12 moth reserve and making sure you always live below your means so that a sudden shift in employment status doesn’t put your life together at risk.
Make your conversation about ADHD open, but don’t make it the star attraction. You both have ADHD and will both need to learn how to manage it so you can contribute your best self to your relationship. But that doesn’t mean your lives should be all ADHD all the time! Focus on love, connection, and enjoying each other, too. You are not your ADHD.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking your partner should manage ADHD as well as you do. I talk with a fair number of couples in which one partner has known about ADHD since childhood and the other is only recently diagnosed. The person who grew up with ADHD has a better management plan in place and is frustrated by the slow progress of the other partner. That’s not fair! It takes time to learn how to manage your own variety of ADHD. Be patient and supportive and you will see better results for all than if you are critical and impatient.
If possible, try to get ADHD fairly well managed before you have your first child. Having kids puts a ton of stress on your relationship, and when one or both partners have ADHD, the lack of sleep and new responsibilities can be a particular burden, in part because sleep deprivation makes ADHD symptoms worse. The better the two of you have figured out your respective ADHD, the more resilience you will have when faced with these stressors.
Resist acting like a non-ADHD partner. In dual ADHD couples the more organized partner often takes on the role traditionally played by non-ADHD partners – that of acting like a ‘strict and demanding parent’ to the other ADHD partner, who takes on the role of ‘irresponsible child.’ This parent/child dynamic destroys relationships. If you find yourself in the role of organizer, reminder, leader, punisher and educator then you are the parent figure. Read my books and heed the advice I provide non-ADHD partners. You MUST get out of this dynamic if you are to thrive. (A note here – ADHD partners must actively move away from the child-like role, as well. This isn’t all about the more organized partner!)
Know your strengths. The nature of ADHD is that you may be ‘lopsided’ in your strengths and weaknesses. This is not a negative thing. You’ll do some things brilliantly, and others not at all well. As an example, a successful entrepreneur with ADHD might be great at thinking up new business ideas but horrible at organizing and doing the paperwork to keep them going. Chances are the two of you are both lopsided in your talents and so between you there may be some significant gaps if your skills aren’t complementary. Take an open-eyed view of your actual strengths and weaknesses and figure out if you need some outside help to bridge the gaps. If both of you are great idea people and horrible at paperwork, for example, you may wish to hire an organizer to keep your household accounts and paperwork organized in a way that allows you to do your taxes or complete the billing for your small business on time.
Schedule time to keep the communication open. You will both live in the ‘now and not now’ time zones of ADHD. That means that you will be often engaged with the thing that is right in front of you, and that may not be your partner. In order to keep your connection with each other strong, you should consider scheduling regular ‘emotional conversation’ time, as well as task coordination time (not the same time!)
Schedule time for romance. The same idea holds true for romance. You must both create time for romance – actively setting time aside to focus just on each other – if you are going to thrive. Otherwise you’ll be too distracted from each other and, over time, your connection will fray.
Learn mindfulness. Mindfulness is a skill set that can really help ADHD partners – since you both have it, your relationship will doubly benefit from learning these skills. I've seen greater mindfulness, including learning how to 'pause before doing' be very useful in both managing emotional responses and in learning to do things more efficiently. Take a mindfulness class together, even!
Finally, don’t sweat the small stuff. There will be lots of surprises in your lives. Try not to be hard on yourselves when they arise.
Tags: dual ADHD, ADHD adults, both ADHD
July 13, 2019
How to Get Those Back Taxes Done if One of You Has ADHD
Conflicts Around Household Tasks
One idea of hell, according to several of my clients, is waiting for an ADHD partner who insists on managing the taxes to actually get them done. I can’t tell you the number of couples who have approached me who have multiple years of back tax returns and don’t have a plan for how to do them. It has become a toxic, overwhelming topic in the relationship. Typically the non-ADHD partner is out of patience, while the ADHD partner continues to insist “get off my back, I will get to them!”
The issues here are many: adversarial roles between partners across many domains of their relationship; financial stressors; disorganization; poor planning and feelings Non-ADHD partners play a role, too, as their anger and frustration add to the overwhelm and general toxicity of the topic in the household.
When couples come to me with this issue I try to:
Get them to depersonalize the project – this isn’t about one partner’s failure, it’s about a task that needs to be completed
Simplify the steps to solving the problem as much as possible.
Depersonalizing the issue
As long as the conversations focuses around how disappointed the non-ADHD (or other ADHD) partner is that the taxes have not been done yet, the issue will remain one that elicits strong, difficult emotions that may regularly result in conflict. These might include anger, defensiveness, stonewalling, overwhelm, and shame. None of them help get the project completed – in fact, they are likely to interfere as they will put the ADHD partner on the defensive. So I encourage non-ADHD partners to start thinking about the best way to get the task accomplished, and that’s to de-tox the situation. Being angry isn’t going to get the ADHD partner to start doing the work – it hasn’t so far! Try a better tactic – being supportive.
Non-ADHD partners tend to resist this advice. They are legitimately angry, and feel they should be able to vent their feelings. Why should I be supportive? After all, it’s their partner’s actions that have earned their anger. I’m not saying the anger isn’t all right. I’m suggesting that the venting (and nagging/reminding) doesn’t work as a successful motivator and, instead, is a de-motivator. It would be far better to say “Yes, I admit I’m angry that we might incur penalties for our late taxes. But what I’m focused on is what each of us can do to get the taxes in soon so neither of us needs to think about them any more. Let’s figure out a plan that we both can contribute to.”
Simplify the steps
One couple I worked with had 4 years of back taxes to do, and many receipts all over the place from a small business they owned. This made the task at hand feel overwhelming. So we set up this simple plan:
Step 1 – get four book boxes for moving and label them 2014, 2015, 2016 and 2017. The first task was to take everything they had that was related to taxes and put it in one of the four boxes. That included looking in all of the closets and desk drawers for stray receipts. To do this, they set aside a series of Sunday mornings, and played music to make it more fun.
Step 2 – start with 2014 and use a similar system. This time they used a large folding table and put yellow stickies on it with the different categories of paper they were trying to sort. Financial statements, office supplies, food & entertainment, and donations were a few of the labels they created. Again, they sorted in dedicated sessions, with music. They had a separate pile for 'things I need to follow up on.'
Step 3 – once they had one year’s documents sorted, the partner who generally did the taxes started doing the paperwork and either a.) assigned some work to the other partner (for example, add up the total of all of our donations for which we have a receipt and put it into a spreadsheet) or b.) the other partner started sorting for the following fiscal year (in a different location, of course.)
Step 4 (optional) – take the tabulated information to a tax prep firm to complete the tax paperwork and calculate your penalties (if any) for you. Alternatively, use some tax software to do the same. The benefit of the former is that you can pay a professional a smallish fee to do something that can take a long time, while you spend time doing what that professional cannot do – getting organized for the next year’s return.
This approach takes what starts out as an overwhelming, toxic and complicated project and breaks it down into progressively smaller chunks until it is manageable. It worked for this couple, and can work for you, too.
Tags: taxes; finances, financial
July 8, 2019
What is Effect Size and How Does it Help You Pick a Treatment for ADHD?
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
Do headlines like this make you a little crazy?
Mindfulness shown to be 100% effective for treating ADHD
Elimination diet cures ADHD in over 70% of children
Stimulants are the first line of treatment for ADHD
The first one came across my desk recently and was full of misinformation (I contacted the editors). Yes, mindfulness is a great treatment for ADHD, but it’s not the magic bullet this headline implies. The second headline touted poorly done research. The third is actually true, but then what comes to mind is ‘why?” and “How much better are stimulants than other treatments?”
So how do you compare the effectiveness of treatments in this environment? Once you get past faulty research, it turns out that a measure called ‘effect size’ can help you answer your questions. (Statistical background on effect size here if you are interested in the math.)
Effect size is a measurement tool that tells you how well a certain treatment does at treating specific symptoms. It’s a set scale that is used across research studies so the effect of one treatment can be compared to the effect of another. An effect size of 1.0 is considered a ‘robust’ response (vs. a 0 which would be no response at all). A number less than 1.0 is considered less effective on average, while one above 1.0 more effective. Stimulant medications in general trials have an effect size of .67 to 1.28 depending upon the medication and dosage used in the trial. Stimulant medications in at least one trial where the dosage was optimized for the individual taking the medication had an effect size of 2.2. That means that if you are going to take a stimulant medication, you should make sure to work with your doctor to get a dose that works well for you in order to maximize your benefit. Different medications have different effect sizes, for example, the effect size for Vyvanse in an non-optimized trial was 1.28, while for methylphenidates (Ritalin, Concerta) is .75 while the effect size for Strattera is .44 to .66 depending upon the trial.
This doesn’t mean that Strattera isn’t the right medication for you. An effect size is the relative likelihood that you’ll respond, but any individual may find they do extremely well on one medication and not on another. My husband could not tolerate stimulants at all, but Wellbutrin (an anti-depressant) worked very well for him though the effect size for treating ADHD is .34. This was in part due to the fact that his primary target symptom was impulsivity, and Wellbutrin happens to be a good choice for that particular symptom for many.
You can find effect sizes for non-medicinal treatments, if they have been researched as a possible ADHD treatment, too. You have to be careful, though, because some research (like the Scandinavian studies on elimination diets mentioned above) are poorly constructed and provide false data. Happily, eventually a meta analysis of the most rigorous, double blind research studies was able to debunk the diet claims.
So what are the effect sizes of different treatments, you might ask? I’ve got an app for that. Well, okay, a blog post. You can find the answer here.
Tags: adhd treatment; medication; Wellbutrin;
The Best Treatments for ADHD...and What Doesn't Work
Start hereMelissa's Favorite PostsDiagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
In another post I wrote about effect size, which is a scale for measuring the effectiveness of various treatments, across different research studies. A 1.0 effect size is considered a ‘robust’ response. A number higher than a 1.0 is even better, while a number less than 1.0 means the treatment is, on average, less effective than something rated 1.0. It might still work well for you. For more information about effect size, go to this blog post.
What Works For Treating ADHD
Below are some effect size figures for treatments for ADHD – what works, and also a list of what doesn’t. I don’t cover all of the research, but what I have included is based upon what is considered reliable research.
Exercise can be a relatively effective treatment for ADHD, but can be temporary – that is, the impact on ADHD symptoms such as attention, last for about 3 hours after the rigorous exercise has happened. Depression relief lasts longer, perhaps a days. Therefore, regular exercise (and perhaps tactical exercise before one needs to focus for a meeting, for example) is a good use of this treatment, and its effect size varies across symptoms measured.
Treatment Effectiveness (Ranges cover multiple studies)
Effect Size (1.0 rating considered a “robust therapeutic response”)
Stimulants in blind clinical trials – 0.95
Lisdexamfetamine (Vyvanse) – 1.28
Mydayis – new, 16 hour amphetamine, slower start - .67 – 1.1 depending on dose
Methylphenidate (Ritalin, Concerta) – 0.75
Stimulants in optimized dose trials – 2.2
Alpha agonists – 1.3 (often used for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) LINK
Aerobic exercise (kids and teens meta-analysis) 0.56 – 0.84
Attention – 0.84
Hyperactivity – 0.56
Impulsivity – 0.56
Anxiety – 0.66
Executive functioning – 0.58
Social disorders – 0.59
(Depression – no effect size number here, but thought to be as effective as Zoloft in one study)
Strattera – 0.44 to 0.68
Bupropion (Wellbutrin, Zyban) - .34
Zoloft (for ADHD only) – 0.25
Remove artificial colors (kids) - 0.21
Sources: Dr. William Dodson, ADDitude Magazine Spring, 2013: ADHD Report Oct. 2012; Sept. 2015 & Dec. 2016 Russell Barkley, Ph.D.
Non-Medicinal Treatments That Work - Not Mentioned Above
(I have not found effect size figures, but this is based in research that does not cite effect size specifically)
Gluten-free diet (only for 15% with undiagnosed celiac)
Omega-3 supplementation dose 2,000-4,000 mg (for those with low Omega 3…perhaps 80-90% of population) – low effect size, though
Sleep hygiene – getting a minimum of 7 hours of sleep a night as sleep deprivation increases the severity of ADHD symptoms
Mindfulness training (particularly in emotion control & sustaining attention)
Lower stress (stress increases the severity of ADHD symptoms)
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – coaching
Sources, various including: Current Status of CBT for Adult ADHD at http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2909688; Barkley ADHD Report Dec 16
What Doesn’t Work (according to research)
Computer training (CogMed, Lumosity, etc.) – short-term ‘near transfer’ but no ‘far transfer’…which means that you learn what they are teaching, such as memorizing numbers backwards, but it doesn’t ‘spread’ to other parts of your life
Elimination diets (Feingold) – in spite of lots of publicity to the contrary, a recent and very thorough meta-analysis of all research done on diet and ADHD shows that dietary changes don’t significantly impact ADHD symptoms…though they do help greatly with overall health improvements
Neurofeedback – works better for anxiety, but not ADHD
Single or multi-micro nutrient supplementation – again, a meta-analysis shows that magnesium, zinc and other single supplements don’t impact ADHD, contrary to claims. Multi-micro nutrient supplements do improve overall health, but not ADHD symptoms
Unsure if these treatments work
Amen’s fMRI diagnostic approach or nutraceutical treatments (in general, dietary treatments are not particularly effective)
Electro-magnetic stimulation (Alpha Stim) – mostly for anxiety, depression, maybe sleep – concerns about direct current stimulation. Consult a professional; be particularly wary if you have PTSD
Vayarin – prescription medical food that may help with emotional regulation and hyperactivity – not other aspects of ADHD.
eTNS (Trigenminal Nerve Stimulation) – FDA approved 2019, after small study with kids. To my knowledge, the research has not been replicated yet.
For more information about treatment, including the three legs of treatment, go to ADHDmarriage.com and download the free treatment e-book from the home page. Treatment is also covered in my couples seminar.
Tags: treatment, medication, stimulants, non-stimulants, exercise, diet
June 17, 2019
Going for an Assessment for ADHD? Make the Most of It - Your Future Depends Upon It!
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
“It is impossible to go on as you once were, so you must go on as you never have”
-Cheryl Strayed, Author of Wild
If you have trepidation about getting assessed for ADHD, you would not be alone. But giving in to your misgivings and either avoiding the evaluation or providing as little information as you can will mean that the incredible help that can come your way may not become available. If you have ADHD, then you have it. Why not take advantage of all that is now known about making life better with ADHD? 70-80% of adults with ADHD can find a treatment that can very significantly improve their lives. And that treatment is not just medication.
When you go through an assessment for ADHD in adulthood, your willingness to be open, vulnerable and real in the process will dictate your treatment outcomes. If you let yourself sit in the many emotions of this experience, and take the time to deeply understand what it means for you, you can change the way you live the rest of your life dramatically.
It’s certainly an emotional rollercoaster. Suddenly, if you are diagnosed, you are looking at your life through a whole new lens because your past, present and future all take on new meaning.
A part of you is relieved. There’s a reason things have gone the way they have?
You are also angry. Why didn’t anybody realize this earlier? What would have been different if I had known?
And then, undoubtedly you will be overwhelmed by questions like: “so, what now?”.
It might make sense and sound plausible, but what do I actually “do” with this new information?
How do I live my life with ADHD post-diagnosis?
How do I take advantage of this new chance at working through life and make the most of it? What happens now and forever?
The good news is that if you own your diagnosis at any age, you can find a fresh start and evolve the way you want to.
You can find work-arounds for things that you have never been able to get done.
You can identify where symptoms have changed your self-identity.
You can take responsibility for your mistakes.
You can shed the heavy emotional baggage that has been making you feel like an imposter, or a lesser citizen.
You can learn to leverage your strengths, talents and gifts.
There is some bad news, though. ADHD doesn’t go away. There is no magic bullet; it will be part of your life everyday. It is that big. So, do the work now. Dig in deep with your healthcare team to learn the most specific information you can about the way your brain works. The symptoms won’t go away, so figuring out your brain so you can lean on your strengths makes a lot of sense.
And then stay strong by facing your ADHD every single day. Continuously manage your symptoms using the roadmap from your customized work.
No matter what, do not let your guard down.
Do not pretend ADHD doesn’t exist.
Accept the way your brain works and find your unique way to be your best self.
Open yourself to a new era.
Laura MacNiven is Co-Author of May We Have Your Attention Please? A Springboard Clinic workbook for living- and thriving with adult ADHD. It is a lively and engaging way to work through the process of getting to know your ADHD at any age. (Springboard Clinic is based in Toronto.)
Tags: ADHD evaluation, diagnosis
Going for an Assessment for ADHD? Make the Most of It - Your Future Depends Upon It!
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
“It is impossible to go on as you once were, so you must go on as you never have”
-Cheryl Strayed, Author of Wild
If you have trepidation about getting assessed for ADHD, you would not be alone. But giving in to your misgivings and either avoiding the evaluation or providing as little information as you can will mean that the incredible help that can come your way may not become available. If you have ADHD, then you have it. Why not take advantage of all that is now known about making life better with ADHD? 70-80% of adults with ADHD can find a treatment that can very significantly improve their lives. And that treatment is not just medication.
When you go through an assessment for ADHD in adulthood, your willingness to be open, vulnerable and real in the process will dictate your treatment outcomes. If you let yourself sit in the many emotions of this experience, and take the time to deeply understand what it means for you, you can change the way you live the rest of your life dramatically.
It’s certainly an emotional rollercoaster. Suddenly, if you are diagnosed, you are looking at your life through a whole new lens because your past, present and future all take on new meaning.
A part of you is relieved. There’s a reason things have gone the way they have?
You are also angry. Why didn’t anybody realize this earlier? What would have been different if I had known?
And then, undoubtedly you will be overwhelmed by questions like: “so, what now?”.
It might make sense and sound plausible, but what do I actually “do” with this new information?
How do I live my life with ADHD post-diagnosis?
How do I take advantage of this new chance at working through life and make the most of it? What happens now and forever?
The good news is that if you own your diagnosis at any age, you can find a fresh start and evolve the way you want to.
You can find work-arounds for things that you have never been able to get done.
You can identify where symptoms have changed your self-identity.
You can take responsibility for your mistakes.
You can shed the heavy emotional baggage that has been making you feel like an imposter, or a lesser citizen.
You can learn to leverage your strengths, talents and gifts.
There is some bad news, though. ADHD doesn’t go away. There is no magic bullet; it will be part of your life everyday. It is that big. So, do the work now. Dig in deep with your healthcare team to learn the most specific information you can about the way your brain works. The symptoms won’t go away, so figuring out your brain so you can lean on your strengths makes a lot of sense.
And then stay strong by facing your ADHD every single day. Continuously manage your symptoms using the roadmap from your customized work.
No matter what, do not let your guard down.
Do not pretend ADHD doesn’t exist.
Accept the way your brain works and find your unique way to be your best self.
Open yourself to a new era.
Laura MacNiven is Co-Author of May We Have Your Attention Please? A Springboard Clinic workbook for living- and thriving with adult ADHD. It is a lively and engaging way to work through the process of getting to know your ADHD at any age. (Springboard Clinic is based in Toronto.)
Tags: ADHD evaluation
May 30, 2019
ADHD Advantages
Quote of the Week
“Actually, we recruit for ADHD characteristics.”
-Military chaplain I recently met
ADHD Advantages
I had the privilege of spending a day with Special Ops personnel and their families recently and was struck by this senior military pastor’s comment about how useful some ADHD characteristics are for what their unit does. “We look for people who are quick on their feet, who excel under pressure and in high-adrenaline situations, and who can take in a whole lot of information around them all at once. So we do end up having quite a few soldiers with ADHD.”
These families have special stressors most of the rest of us don’t experience – long deployments that leave only one parent at home and 100% in charge, readjustment upon a soldier’s return, the mental health issues such as PTSD that may come with repeated deployments and combat experience, and the transitions between the ‘band of brothers/sisters’ experiences when in the field vs. the family and spouse. ADHD (which is often undiagnosed) makes things even harder.
I am grateful for the service these men and women provide our country, as well as for the ADHD that helps them serve so well and hope that I will have more opportunities to try to help them navigate the ins and outs of ADHD.
Thank you to any of you reading this who are in, or have been in, the military.
My Upcoming live seminar and adhd and non-adhd groups start in the fall. Learn more.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts October 21, 2019.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
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© 2019 Melissa Orlov
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