Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 40
June 2, 2020
Strengths
Quote of the Week
“Even though my brain doesn’t do calculations very well, it does other things really well, such as be creative.”
-A young woman I know with dyscalculia and ADHD
Strengths
Learning disorders and ADHD can lead to teasing from other kids at school, or comments that encourage low self-esteem. “Why can’t you multiple 4 x 5? What are you, stupid?!” does not make a fourth grader feel good about herself and be a blow to self-esteem.
That’s where knowing your strengths comes in. Everyone is ‘lopsided’ – we all have some things we do better than others. People with ADHD can be particularly lopsided if their symptoms are under-managed. But we all have things we do well and that can make us proud.
For this young woman, it is ANYTHING creative, plus exploring the world. For my husband it’s everything technical. For me it is synthesizing information. For another person I know it’s playing the drums.
We should ALL be identifying our strengths and be ready to remember we have them any time someone attacks one of those vulnerable, we-don’t-do-that-so-well places.
What are your strengths? Your partner’s?
October is ADHD Month - Check out these Free resources:
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.
Monday, Oct. 12: 7 - 8:30pm eastern
Office hours will start up again the week of 10/26
11th Annual ADHD Awareness Expo. October 1 - 31, My presentation: You and Your Partner Are Much More Different Than You Think!
TADD Talks - October 1 - 31, 18 minute presentations on a variety of ADHD subjects.
34th Annual ADHD Conference - November 5 - 7, online this year. Top ADHD experts and opportunity for Q & A.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2020 Melissa Orlov
Love/Hate
Quote of the Week
“We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.”
-Lori Deschene
Love/Hate
When I felt most desperate in my relationship it was like a thick fog of misery. I knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what, and couldn’t figure out how to see to fix it. I behaved poorly – badgering and even verbally abusing my husband. I became a person I just didn’t like and wasn’t proud of.
I hear many similar stories, and when one feels this way there are two paths – double down, parent more, badger more, and try to push your ADHD partner into change. This makes sense because it’s hard to get a person with ADHD to focus…putting on the pressure helps focus effort, but it doesn’t create a healthy relationship. So while it’s logical, it’s not healthy or helpful. You can’t hate…or push…your way into love.
The second option is to learn more about ADHD in adult relationships. To build empathy, as well as an effective toolkit that both partners can use to improve things. This can be hard, particularly if you’re frustrated and feeling hopeless, but it is through kindness and a generosity of spirit that we build love with a partner. It’s also where we remind ourselves of our own worth and learn, once again, to love ourselves.
I’m not suggesting that being kind is all that it takes to repair a relationship hurt by ADHD and responses to ADHD. There are other factors, such as getting out of parent/child dynamics and optimizing treatment for ADHD that are really, really important. But it is only through seeking a loving path that we can build love rather than destroy it.
Are you pushing from a place of anger or hate or are you seeking to understand and build love?
Is it time to introduce more love into your relationship? My LIVE ADHD Effect on Marriage Couples Phone Seminar starts NEXT WEEK on September 16, 2020. 8 sessions, plus one bonus. If you or your partner has ADHD, you probably have tried to work on improving your relationship, but may not have been successful. Traditional counseling does not address the effects of ADHD, leaving you frustrated and incredulous that you have gotten to this point and haven't been able to make things better. I provide understanding and concrete ideas to help couples re-balance their relationships. Learn more.
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis. More information is here.
Friday, Sept. 11: 9 - 10:15am eastern
Monday, Sept. 14: 12:30 - 2:00pm eastern
Thursday, Sept. 17: 3 - 4:30pm eastern
Monday, Sept 21: 4 - 5:15pm eastern
Thursday, Sept 24: 7 - 9:00pm eastern
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts September 16, 2020.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2020 Melissa Orlov
Naming Fear
Quote of the Week
“The chief barrier to intimacy in a relationship is fear. We’re afraid of being judged and rejected. We’re in fear of disapproval…”
-David Brooks
Naming Fear
I’ve talked about parent/child dynamics a lot because it’s such an important factor in why relationships impacted by ADHD struggle. Part of the reason for this struggle is fear. For ADHD partners, that fear is about whether or not they will ‘fail’ yet again when they try to fulfill the promises they’ve made. Whether they will be loved or criticized, instead. Whether they will be appreciated, or perhaps belittled. Fear that they are unlovable. If you are an ADHD partner in a parent/child dynamic situation, life feels like a minefield. It’s hard to move forward.
There is a different set of fears driving non-ADHD partners. Fear that things will always remain chaotic and never get better. Fear about not having control (since ADHD plays a role, and it’s not your own ADHD). Fear of financial or health crises brought about by ADHD partner carelessness, lying or worse. Fear that one’s partner isn’t capable of paying enough attention feel loved the way you had hoped you would.
Fear is a powerful emotion – and tends to send people into primitive responses such as fight, flight or freeze. It is when you name these fears, allow that they can exist AND that you can start to improve the situation that progress is made. By accepting the duality of your situation – yes, it’s okay to fear AND it’s smart to use what’s known to help couples impacted by ADHD – that you make progress.
What are the fears that you hold onto that need naming?
October is ADHD Month - Check out these Free resources:
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.
Thursday, October 1: 4 - 5:15pm eastern
Monday, Oct. 5: 10 - 11:15 eastern
Wednesday, Oct. 7: 8:15 - 9:30pm eastern
Monday, Oct. 12: 7 - 8:30pm eastern
11th Annual ADHD Awareness Expo. October 1 - 31, My presentation: You and Your Partner Are Much More Different Than You Think!
TADD Talks - October 1 - 31, My presentation is on October 3: 5 Things ADHD Adults Can Do to Connect Better
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2020 Melissa Orlov
Revenge is Not So Sweet
Quote of the Week
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”
-Confucius”
Revenge is Not So Sweet
How often did I say to myself things such as:
• ‘if my husband isn’t going to do X, then why should I do Y?’
• ‘why should I say thank you when he doesn't do the dishes like he’s supposed to? What about his recognizing my hard work?!’
• ‘he just hurt me…I don’t really care if I hurt him back…’
Chances are, you’ve at least had those thoughts, too. The problem is, the person who is hurt by these thoughts is you AND your partner. When you withhold generous feelings or stop showing appreciation you are cutting off your partner. The more you cut off your partner, the less connected you are. That hurts both of you. And is no way to get the affectionate, loving relationship you want.
ADHD has never been ‘corrected’ or improved by punishment or revenge. Ever.
I know why I thought those things – I was exhausted. Frustrated. Angry. But still, that sort of revenge (and did my husband even notice it, anyway?!) was digging a grave for our marriage instead of building the affectionate relationship we wanted.
I tell partners – both ADHD and non-ADHD partners – not to let your struggles and frustrations turn you into a person you don’t like or respect. Don’t let your frustration keep you from showing appreciation when it’s due. Or saying thank you for the effort your partner puts in. Don’t cut your connections as ‘revenge’…you are only digging two graves when you do so.
My Live Seminar Starts THIS WEDNESDAY
If you've been thinking about taking my couples seminar, given by phone, the Fall session starts this week on Wednesday evening (9/16) at 8:00 pm.
It's a great seminar that has helped many couples - the details are at this link, including dates, overview and registration. I've tried to make this seminar as easy to take as possible, because I'm dedicated to getting you the information and tools that can help you change your lives together. So it's by phone. I answer all of your relationship questions during the seminar (ALL of them...I promise). I record the sessions so if you miss one you can listen later. And I offer a full, 100% refund up to the third session so you can try it out and see if you like it with no risk.
I really want to give you the tools to improve your relationship. Learn more. Questions? Please contact me. Melissa
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts Sept 16th, 2020.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2020 Melissa Orlov
Anger or Healing? You Can’t Do Both
Quote of the Week
“You must choose between resentment and anger on the one hand and healing on the other; you cannot do both…Resentment and anger have amphetamine and analgesic effects. They provide an immediate surge of energy and numbing of pain – a feeling of physical power – to replace the powerlessness and vulnerability of whatever core hurts have been stimulated at the time. But as with any other amphetamine, you get a surge of energy and confidence from resentment and anger, but then you crash. They always drop you down lower than the point at which they picked you up. When you get resentful or angry, you get depressed afterward (this goes in a cycle, and)…pretty soon your brain begins to look for things to get resentful about just to militate out of your depressed mood.”
-Steven Stosny, in You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One p. 101-102
Anger or Healing? You Can’t Do Both
I would never tell anyone they shouldn’t be angry. Anger in itself isn’t threatening – it’s simply a signal that something needs to be attended to. But how we hold on to and express that anger is a different matter. There are constructive ways to express what makes us angry, and destructive ways.
Sadly, anger in ADHD-impacted relationships can become pervasive and chronic. When it does, it’s physically toxic to the person who holds it. The stress chronic anger and frustration create quite literally shortens your life.
It is a common mistake to believe that by using your anger (for example, bullying your partner to do something) you can solve the issues created when ADHD is present. When either of you hang on to anger, and use it to create change, you not only send the recipient into fight or flight mode (commonly expressed as defensiveness) you also prevent yourself from healing.
As Stosny notes, you cannot both be chronically angry and heal.
Your healing is important. I urge you to utilize healthy ways to express angry feelings calmly and, perhaps, work with a professional to help work through anger, resentment, and more. For a good starting place, consider reading Harriet Lerner’s Dance of Anger or taking my couple’s seminar.
LIVE Couples Phone Seminar with Melissa Orlov - The ADHD Effect on Marriage - 8 sessions, plus one bonus, starts September 16, 2020. If you or your partner has ADHD, you probably have tried to work on improving your relationship, but may not have been successful. Traditional counseling does not address the effects of ADHD, leaving you frustrated and incredulous that you have gotten to this point and haven't been able to make things better. I provide understanding and concrete ideas to help couples re-balance their relationships. Don't delay, it starts September 16th. Learn more.
Online course for adults with ADHD - MAY WE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE? starting September 23, 2020. Learn more
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts September 16th.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2020 Melissa Orlov
Effective
Quote of the Week
“Efficiency is doing things right. Effectiveness is doing the right things.”
-Peter Drucker
Effective
I’m smiling. Really smiling. Because Drucker has captured something really important for ADHD-impacted relationships. You can be efficient and get lots of stuff done. But that doesn’t mean you will be effective. Because when ADHD is at play ‘efficiency’ often comes after lots of reminders, defiance and ill will.
Which means in relationship terms, you aren’t being very effective. Just the opposite, in fact, you’re hurting the relationship.
Both partners are responsible for fixing this common problem. Non-ADHD partners must figure out what they absolutely, positively must have in their relationship and make sure they get that. For me there are three things on that list – connection/affection; respect and honesty.
Notice that NONE of those things has anything to do with efficiency. Which means that lots of stuff doesn’t get done quite on time in my household and I’ve learned to let that be. (Yes, it helps that our kids are grown.) I’m not letting my husband off the hook, mind you…just separating out the truly essential from everything else. He still does the dishes and other things because those are his work. But it’s 3pm and he hasn’t done dishes since last night…which isn’t all that efficient. He does own it. He has told me he will get to it when he has a break from work and – because I cherish respectfulness – I respect his choices.
It’s not efficient in the same way I would be efficient. Back when our relationship wasn’t very good I would have unloaded the clean dishes and done the dirty by now. And then resented that his tardiness was ‘forcing’ me to do it. Except it wasn’t. That was my choice. I was choosing efficiency over effectiveness.
It did not lead to happiness together.
Happily, I’ve learned to let him do the things for which he is responsible in his own time…within reason. If he waited for 3 days to do the dishes I would speak with him – respectfully - about how that upset me and interfered with my cooking.
Are you being efficient at the expense of being effective?
ADHD Resources:
For Couples:
Starting Sept 16 - my Live Couples Seminar: registration is open!
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis. Office hours will resume in September
Non-ADHD Support Groups - I’ve just opened up registration for three groups that will begin in early September. Register early, they fill quickly!
For Parents:
The Executive Function Online Summit - STARTS TODAY Aug 21 - 23 Experts Who 'Get' Your Outside-The-Box Child, 100% free Aug 21, 22, 23.
ADHD in Middle School Summit - 40+ experts, free, Aug 24-28, 2020
The ADHD in Middle School Online Course - expert instructors walk you through the challenges of the middle school years step-by-step
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts September 16, 2020.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2020 Melissa Orlov
Normal?
Quote of the Week
“Let’s face it — masquerading as normal is a lot of work, especially when you don’t realize that’s what you’re doing”
-Nicole Perkowitz, in ADDitude Magazine article, “What Happened When I Stopped Apologizing for Being Me.”
Normal?
Finding out you have ADHD is not just about symptoms, but also about emotions. Sometimes there is relief. “Finally! This explains so much!” Sometimes there is fear. “What does this mean? Am I lovable? Am I broken?” And sometimes there is resentment “Why can’t you just let me be me?!”
It is this latter that Perkowitz talks about in her article, which I recommend reading. She: learns to embrace her ADHD and proudly asserts who she is; goes through a ‘love it or leave it’ stage; and then realizes that accepting ADHD is most effective if one learns that ADHD can impact those around you, too. In the end, she muses “It’s not my fault that my brain style is less typical, and, therefore, less catered to, but nor is it anyone else’s fault either.”
It’s a call for understanding that imposing your way on others if you have ADHD is just as ‘icky’ as having others impose their way on you. The healthiest relationship -with and without ADHD – are those in which each partner’s way of being is respected, and in which both partners seek to contribute their best self to the relationship. To me that means being respectful; managing anger; finding a system that lets you be reliable a good part of the time; and showing lots of love.
Is either of you imposing your way on your partner? Are both of you?
If you are struggling with task distribution and completion, please start this process. There’s nothing easy at all about this dynamic, and even with ADHD in your relationship there are lots of ways to improve how you both feel about when and how things get done…and who does them.
PANDEMIC RESOURCES:
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa during the COVID-19 crisis. It's a difficult period for many, and it is my hope that I can provide meaningful support for those with relationship questions.
Thursday, August 6, 9:00-10:30am EASTERN time, 7:30 - 8:30pm EASTERN time
Tuesday, August 11, 3:30-4:45pm EASTERN time
Thursday, August 13, 9:00-10:00am EASTERN time, 7:00-8:30pm EASTERN time
Wednesday, August 19, 10:00-11:30am EASTERN time
Thursday, August 20, 3:15 - 4:45pm EASTERN time
FREE PARENTING ADHD ONLINE SUMMIT - I'm on Monday July 27, Partnering With Your Young Adult With ADHD. Caregivers of ADHD kids: Don’t miss the 3rd Annual ADHD Parents Palooza July 27-31. Online + Free! It all kicks off Monday, July 27th. All you have to do is register today
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts Fall, 2020.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2020 Melissa Orlov
Upheaval is Scary
Quote of the Week
“It is necessary to change ourselves before we can bring that change out into the world, and change is often scary and uncomfortable.”
-Britney Stafford, from the book Check Your Privilege”
Upheaval is Scary
We are in a time of upheaval and, hopefully, change. While the quote above is from a book about changing one’s own attitudes about racism, the idea that upheaval and change can be uncomfortable and scary is not a new one and is easily applied to making changes in your relationship.
In psychology, there is a response to change that has been well observed. When one partner makes an uncomfortable change, the other one often unconsciously tries to push that partner back to the status quo, or the place that feels comfortable or knowable – even if that known place is unhealthy.
That probably happens in your relationship, too. Yet change comes about because at least one partner is determined to make him or herself better.
The changes that are most successful are those that are rooted in our own values, and in which we are only trying to change ourselves, not our partners. If you find you are belittling your partner, but believe strongly that your relationship should be based in respect, then your task is to learn to respect both yourself and your partner. You might still be angry, but you learn to express that anger respectfully and constructively, rather than as rage. You stop rolling your eyes. You teach yourself to ask questions to find out what your partner’s opinions are. You do this because respect is a critical value you hold and it’s important to live in alignment with one’s own value, not because it will or will not change your partner’s behaviors.
Have you thought lately about whether you are living in alignment with your values? Do you need to make changes that might feel uncomfortable or scary?
Wishing you and your partner a happy July 4th!
Did you miss my ADDitude webinar, Relationship Rehab for ADHD Couples Challenged by the Pandemic ? Listen to it now. Here is some feedback:
· Melissa is just brilliant. I will listen to her every chance I get and wish she was my couples therapist.
· This speaker was excellent: very knowledgeable with very helpful practical information! Thank you!
· This was a really interesting talk, and the presenter had some wonderful strategies to help both the ADHDer and non-ADHDer in relationships. Awesome webinar!
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis. More information is here. Note: If you partake in the recorded self-study couples seminar, you can ask your questions about seminar material in the office hours
Wednesday, July 8, 9:00 - 10:00am EASTERN time
Wednesday, July 8, 7:00 - 8:30pm EASTERN time
Tuesday, July 14, 3:30-4:30pm EASTERN time
Tuesday, July 21, 3:00 - 4:15pm EASTERN time
Wednesday, July 22, 7:00 - 9:00pm EASTERN time
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts Fall, 2020.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2020 Melissa Orlov
Curiosity
Quote of the Week
“Be more curious than furious.”
-Belinda Luscombe for Time Magazine’s article, How to stay in love during quarantine
Curiosity
There is a lot of together time these days and things can get scritchy. Or worse.
Rather than arguing, why not practice a bit of ‘the art of curiosity’ to your relationship? Curiosity is such an important element of a good relationship that I actually have added a segment on it to my couples seminar.
Curious shows you are listening. And interested. Furious shuts down a conversation.
Curious is a compliment. Furious is a gut punch.
Curious is inclusion. Furious is exclusion.
Curious is connection and partnership. Furious makes you adversaries.
Could you be more curious with your partner? If so, remember some basics:
Tone of voice is important.
Open ended questions will serve you both the best because they don’t assume you know the answer – or even how your partner is thinking.
Hear your partner’s full response, then add to the conversation with your own ideas. Don’t ask your partner’s opinion, then tell them they are wrong (they are always entitled to their opinions!)
What would happen if you asked your partner 1 more question a day than you are now? Not a question about logistics, but a question about them. Why not try it?!
Free ADDitude Webinar: Relationship Rehab for ADHD Couples Challenged by the Pandemic - I offer my advice to learn strategies for repairing partnerships after stay-at-home orders lift with ADHD
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.
Tuesday, June 23, 3:00 - 5:00 EASTERN time
Thursday, June 25, 7:00pm - 8:30pm EASTERN time
Wednesday, July 8, 9:00 - 10:00am EASTERN time
Wednesday, July 8, 7:00 - 8:30pm EASTERN time
Tuesday, July 14, 3:30-4:30pm EASTERN time
Tuesday, July 21, 3:00 - 4:15pm EASTERN time
Wednesday, July 22, 7:00 - 9:00pm EASTERN time
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts Fall, 2020.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2020 Melissa Orlov
Happiness and Love
Quote of the Week
“One extraordinary 75-year study followed Harvard graduates from 1939 to 1944, into their 90s, looking at all aspects of their health and well-being. The principal investigator, the psychologist George Vaillant, summarized the findings as follows: “Happiness is love. Full stop.” People who have loving relationships with family and friends thrive; those who don’t, don’t.”
-Arthur C. Brooks in the Atlantic Magazine article, The Three Equations for a Happy Life
Happiness and Love
In the pandemic, couples have been moving towards the extremes. Either they are hunkering down and focusing on ways they can express their love and gratitude, or they are struggling to deal with the problems they may have glossed over in the past, or had been able to ignore because they had other happy outlets that are not available to them at this time.
When I saw this quote, I wondered if it might be able to provide couples a way to cut through the daily stress, arguments and concerns they have now. Love won’t solve everything (for example, it won’t pay the bills), but remembering to express love can make your days easier. Here are some simple ways to make your life more love-filled:
When confronted with something annoying, ask yourself “how could I be kind?’ Respond with kindness.
Tell your partner “I love you” every day. Set an alarm as a reminder if you need to (and this can come via text, btw, too)
Find activities you enjoy together for at least an hour a day. Watching a favorite series before bed; doing puzzles; cooking; walking…normally I suggest seeking ‘new and challenging’ activities, but ANY positive ‘play together’ time is useful right now.
Smile. Seek laughter.
Attend. One of the nicest things you can do right now is pay positive, open attention to his or her needs. Even if it’s a quick ‘what can I do to help you for the next 30 minutes’ that’s a big deal.
Be curious. About your partner’s feelings; activities; needs. Ask questions. Show you are interested.
Say something nice to or about your partner every time you can. Don’t hold back. We need appreciation now.
How could you be more loving in your relationship?
Upcoming Events:
June 16, I'm an ADDitude expert guest - Live Webinar on Relationship Rehab for ADHD Couples Challenged by the Pandemic. Free. Register and get free replay.
Registration opens June 12, 3pm eastern - summer non-ADHD support groups
Recorded couples seminar - Work on your relationship anywhere, anytime....and you can ask your questions about seminar material in the office hours below....
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis:
Tuesday, June 16, 9:00 - 10:30am EASTERN time
Wednesday, June 17, 8:15pm to 9:30pm EASTERN time
Tuesday, June 23, 3:00 - 5:00 EASTERN time
Thursday, June 25, 7:00pm - 8:30pm EASTERN time
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts Fall, 2020.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - 8 consecutive Tuesdays @ 8:30 pm Eastern time, 9/15/20 - 11/3/20.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
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