Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 38
November 16, 2020
Facing ADHD
Quote of the Week
“Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
-James Baldwin
Facing ADHD
It’s not that easy to come to terms with an adult diagnosis of ADHD. Among other things you may look back and ask, “what if I had known about this earlier?” and that may encourage feelings of grief and pain. Or, as my husband says, “If I had known about ADHD earlier I would probably still be married to my first wife.” In our own marriage, there are many struggles we could have avoided if we had only known.
There are other reasons to avoid wanting to get an evaluation for ADHD. You might fear that getting a ‘label’ of ADHD will mean that your partner will (incorrectly) blame you for all of your marital struggles. You may feel shame about getting a diagnosis. You may think ADHD is just for squirmy boys. You may be willing to acknowledge ADHD, but insist it doesn’t matter (if so, read this blog post).
But Baldwin is right – if your life isn’t want you wish it to be right now, the path to improving it lies in understanding whether or not ADHD plays a role. And that means getting an evaluation.
If you don’t have ADHD, then that’s cleared up. You and your partner can move on. If you do have ADHD, you have the chance to learn about what has worked for so many others with ADHD. Facing ADHD is the first step to changing your life for the better.
If you want to find out what kind of evaluation is most accurate for determining if you have ADHD, download my free treatment e-book from my home page (right column).
6th Annual ADHD Women’s Palooza March 8-13, 2021 - ADHD is different for Women - learn from experts who understand their unique challenges. Register today
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis.
Tues, Mar 9: 4:00 - 5:00pm EASTERN
Thurs, Mar 11: 7:00 - 8:15pm EASTERN
Tues, Mar 16: 12:00 - 1:00pm EASTERN
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Mon, Apr 5: 4:00 - 5:00pm EASTERN
Wed, Apr 7: 5:00 - 6:00pm EASTERN
My 8-session live phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts April 7, 2021
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts April 7, 2021.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
What You Want to Do
Quote of the Week
“ADHD medications may play a role in not only focusing but also in helping the brain regulate emotions, freeing up space and energy to do other things.”
-Dr. Anthony Rostain
What You Want to Do
Whether or not to take medications is completely up to the person with the ADHD. However, there are many compelling reasons to consider it, including the ease with which these medications can improve focus and restraint.
But those qualities, enabled by the increased dopamine these medications make available, are useful insomuch as they enable the ability to do more of what you want. Within couples counseling sometimes ‘what you want’ includes the ability to follow through on mundane tasks in a way that helps you be more of an equal partner.
That’s powerful! Rather than expend energy following wherever your impulses lead, you get to CHOOSE where to expend your energy because now you can sustain your focus long enough to do so.
I have a client right now who puts it this way. “I used to spend all of my time putting out fires because stuff just caught me by surprise all the time. Every day was just one big fire drill. Now that I’m taking medication I can much better anticipate, and things don’t just ‘suddenly happen’ anymore. I feel much more in control, and that has lessened my anxiety and allowed me to more consciously and affectionately focus on my partner, too.”
ADHD medications may or may not be right for you. But if you wish to learn more about how to optimize ADHD treatment (with and without medications) please feel free to download my free treatment e-book from the home page of my website (right column). It was updated this year, and contains the most recent information you need to know.
My 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts April 7, 2021
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis. More information is here.
Tues, Mar 2 - 7:00 - 8:30pm EASTERN
Thurs, Mar 4: 1:00 - 2:00pm EASTERN
Tues, Mar 9: 4:00 - 5:00pm EASTERN
Thurs, Mar 11: 7:00 - 8:15pm EASTERN
... more dates
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts April 7, 2021.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
“Do Differently,” Instead
Quote of the Week
“You should stop saying ‘Don’t try harder, try differently.’ Instead, you should say ‘Don’t try harder, do differently.’”
-Recent couples seminar attendee
“Do Differently,” Instead
I love it when people come to me with ideas about what I write and say! Not only does it provide me an opportunity to improve what I offer others, but it also helps me see things in a new way.
Recently a seminar participant wrote me to suggest that saying one of my key suggestions could be improved. He argued that ‘trying’ is not the same thing as ‘doing’ and that for those with ADHD this distinction is particularly important. It’s easy to confuse ‘thinking’ with ‘doing’ when you have ADHD, particularly if you have symptoms that interfere with follow through.
I completely agree. Good intentions, which could be other words for ‘trying,’ just aren’t as compelling as changed habits of ‘doing.’
This is why I encourage couples to set SMART goals that can be measured objectively and are bound by time. You can measure “I’m going to do the dinner dishes 5 times this week” and determine concretely if you met your goal or not. You cannot measure “I’m going to try harder to do the dishes.”
And for non-ADHD partners, in particular, it’s the doing that is where the relief is.
With all that in mind, I’m thinking of updating my saying to more accurately reflect what I meant…which really was about creating change. What do you think?
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS start back at the end of February. More information is here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
Optimism in the Face of Adversity
Quote of the Week
“With gratitude, optimism becomes more sustainable.”
-Michael J. Fox, who has had Parkinson’s for 3 decades
Optimism in the Face of Adversity
When we struggle it’s easy to focus on all that is wrong. All that we don’t have. All the stressors. How unfair it is that our bodies aren’t as perfect as we had hoped. That life is harder than we dreamed.
Those living with ADHD, or living with a partner with ADHD, know what it’s like to have a long-term challenge that needs to be managed, just as Fox has with his Parkinson’s.
Fox has had many years to learn how to manage his Parkinson’s – probably more than you’ve had to learn how to manage ADHD. And Parkinson’s is degenerative, while ADHD is not. But there are many parallels, and that’s why I was so struck by Fox’s focus on gratitude.
Gratitude is like a deeply dug well of positives from which we can draw the energy to persevere. It is the understanding that it’s not about perfection, but about mindfully paying attention to the beauty found around us and within us. It’s about having an argument with a partner, then being able to sit quietly and be grateful that you have 2 wonderful kids; that beauty is as close as your local woods; that your home is warm and cozy; that you had the energy to accomplish 3 of the 5 things you had hoped that day.
Gratitude is about perspective. And with perspective, there is room to nurture optimism.
I urge you to take a little bit of time every day to be grateful for the good in your life. Write down what you are grateful for in a journal by your bed, or in your daily paper calendar. You will be amazed by the shift this practice creates in your life.
If you have ADHD and you want your partner to get some insights into your brain, this is the episode you want to share!
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis. More information is here.
Thurs, Feb 11 - 1:00 - 2:30pm EASTERN
BREAK
Thurs, Feb 25 - 1:00 - 2:30pm EASTERN
Tues, Mar 2 - 7:00 - 8:30pm EASTERN
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
Formulating Your Reply
Quote of the Week
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply”
-Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
Formulating Your Reply
In my couples’ seminar I teach several types of structured conversations that couples can use to slow down their communication and really hear each other. One of them is called a ‘learning conversation,’ the point of which is to ensure that what is being said is clearly heard. As part of that, I ask the listener to recap what they heard the speaker say in the words that were spoken, plus say what they heard between the lines.
Much of communication happens between the lines – the assumptions we make, and the filters we hear our partner’s ideas through. So, verbalizing the ‘between the lines’ assumptions can really help couples understand why they are miscommunicating.
But another aspect of why this conversational style is so interesting is that it forces you to stop listening in order to formulate a response. Your only job as listener in a learning conversation is to accurately hear what the speaker is trying to tell you.
It’s harder to do than you might think! Most of us listen as Covey suggests – so we can reply.
Try this experiment with your partner:
One person, as speaker, says 4-5 sentences about an emotional idea that is important to them
The other partner, the listener, recaps in his/her own words what they heard in words, plus what they heard between the lines
The speaker determines – is that what I was trying to say? If so, great! If not, what did the listener miss?
Go back and forth until the communication of the speaker is clearly understood…then change roles.
Listening in order to hear is an important skill that can be practiced and honed.
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis. More information is here.
Mon, Feb 1 - 5:00 - 6:30pm EASTERN
Tues, Feb 2 - 3:30 - 4:30pm EASTERN
Thurs, Feb 11 - 1:00 - 2:30pm EASTERN
BREAK
Thurs, Feb 25 - 1:00 - 2:30pm EASTERN
Tues, Mar 2 - 7:00 - 8:30pm EASTERN
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
Starting 2021
Quote of the Week
“May 2021 be better than 2020!”
-Melissa Orlov
Starting 2021
Perhaps it’s our exhaustion, but I don’t know very many people who have created resolutions for 2021. Or maybe it is that the world seems so out of our control these days. Which got me thinking (of course!) What DO I have control over, and how can I make just a little shift in my world for the better?
So, I thought I would share some ideas that you might be able to use, too.
365 days of “I love you” – This is, actually, our resolution for 2021. It’s both serious, and very silly. Which makes it a great resolution for this particular time. We’re having fun with it, too. This morning George piped up “I love you!” and then laughed and added “You snooze, you lose!” He beat me to it on day 5 and it was a lovely, funny, affectionate way to start the day.
A place/way to re-energize – If there is one thing we all really, really need this year, it’s resilience and a way to re-energize. How to get that? Here are some ideas:
• Create the perfect, inviting place to sleep. This is ours – we’ve added a Tallalay latex topper to our bed so we can’t wait to get into bed. (If you do this one, make sure to get a Tallalay topper, as Dunlop latex smells like the inside of a truck tire!)
• Develop a ‘takes-me-away’ exercise routine. George does this, riding his bike about 5 days a week. It resets his mood, tires him out so he sleeps better, and makes him stronger. I’ve known a lot of people who chose to run regularly.
• Deep breathing/meditation/yoga routine – some couples do this together first thing in the morning to energize their day
• Mindful gratitude routine – learning to appreciate what you do have can keep you feeling and acting in more positive ways all day long
Separate the person from the opinions/behaviors – Your partner will do some things you don’t like. You can either decide you don’t like your partner, or you don’t like your partner’s behaviors. The former leaves you (and your relationship) little room for recovery or growth. The latter allows you (and your partner) to focus on changing the behavior while appreciating the person. This is where all relationships grow, advance, and thrive. Within this distinction between person and behaviors there is room for insight, grace, appreciation and forgiveness. And, perhaps most important of all, when you don’t like the behaviors, but appreciate the person, the two of you can be on the same team – in the struggle together.
2021 is going to be another tough year. But there are some things, very close to home, where we still have some influence. Do you have the energy to make a simple pledge to get your year going?
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis. More information is here.
Tues, Jan 26 - 6:00 - 7:30pm EASTERN
Wed, Jan 27 - 11:30am - 12:30pm EASTERN
Mon, Feb 1 - 5:00 - 6:30pm EASTERN
Tues, Feb 2 - 3:30 - 4:30pm EASTERN
Thurs, Feb 11 - 1:00 - 2:30pm EASTERN
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
Perfectionism and ADHD
Quote of the Week
“(In our work,) …perfectionism emerged as the #1 distortion in the thinking of adults with ADHD. It can play a role in the ADHD person’s sense of shame. “Everything has to be right to get started” (front end perfectionism) or else “I have to do better than others to ensure that it’s acceptable” (back end perfectionism).”
- J. Russell Ramsey, Ph.D.
Perfectionism and ADHD
It’s easy to guess where perfectionism comes for those with ADHD. If you have trouble staying organized or sorting through information, it would only be logical to want to get everything right to get started. This would seem to lessen your chances for failure.
If details often escape your attention, or you’re conscious that others do work more easily than you, it would be logical to want to make sure everything is ‘just right’ before you turn it in. This would seem to lessen the chances you’ll be criticized.
The problem with this logic is that the outcome that this effort is aimed for – making sure you or your work is acceptable – becomes harder to attain because perfectionism takes so much time and effort. It’s exhausting – not leaving brain space for other important work or family activities. And missing a deadline in seeking perfection is still missing the deadline.
Further, perfect is almost impossible to attain – for ANYONE. If you feel it’s your job to be perfect in order to pass muster, you are constantly going to be frustrated and feel ashamed that you can’t be. Wouldn’t it be far better to strive for ‘good enough’ and then move on?
Okay, I know perfectionism is insidious and not easy to deal with. But I put this out as food for thought. If you have a perfectionist in your family, consider having some overt conversations about your joint priorities – ‘perfect’ might not be as important as ‘together time.’ And seek to reinforce those instances of ‘good enough’ as being wonderful (dare I say ‘perfect’???!)
In our household, the definition of ‘perfect’ is, actually, ‘good enough.’ The balance this creates in our lives because we don’t waste time getting everything ‘just right’ is what we seek. For both of us. Could you have that, too?
THERE IS TIME. YOU CAN STILL REGISTER FOR MY COUPLES SEMINAR. My live seminar started yesterday, January 13th. Yet should you chose to listen together to yesterday's recording and jump in on the second live session January 20th - you will have ample opportunity to improve your lives together.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. My live session started, yet still accepting registrations.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
October 30, 2020
What is Imago Therapy, and Can it Help My Marriage?
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
Imago Therapy is a modality of couples therapy created by Dr Harville Hendrix, author of Getting the Love You Want. Imago is unique in that it provides a theory that helps conceptualize the couple’s conflict as well as a structured approach to manage the relationship in real time.
Imago theory believes that marriage is for the purpose of growth and healing and that the conflict a couple experiences is not random. Why does one choose their spouse over other potential mates? According to Imago, we have an unconscious image, or “imago”, of our ideal partner who is a composite of the positive and negative traits of our primary caretakers. In essence, we marry our parents, someone very familiar. We do this, unconsciously of course, in order to complete the unfinished business of childhood. We find someone so familiar, who will push our buttons in the very same ways, in order to get it right this time.
Why would anyone in their right mind want to do that? Because when we fall in love, we are not in our right mind. There are three stages to a relationship. We begin with the romantic stage, where we are too blind in love to see the reality that lays ahead. It is not until we commit and get married that those neurochemicals flooding our brain begin to dissipate and the dream turns into a nightmare. Suddenly, we feel like we made a mistake, like we’ve been duped. This isn’t the person I thought I was marrying.
According to Imago, this is not only normal, but expected. The power struggle, as the second stage is called, is where most couples reside. They either choose divorce or they resign to living like roommates instead of soulmates. The good news is this is only a transitory stage to achieving real love, or what we call the conscious marriage. The conscious marriage is achieved by becoming aware of the unique conflict we experience in the power struggle. As we become more conscious of our conflict, we notice that it is not random, but tailor made for us. We begin to see that the very things that bother us about our spouse are triggering our own childhood wounds or unmet needs. When we come to this realization, not only do we realize that our partner is not the enemy, we begin to see the big picture and opportunity for even greater connection and healing.
What goes on during a session with an Imago Therapist?
Imago therapy creates a safe space by having a very structured session, where one person talks and the other one listens by repeating back, or mirroring what was said. This enables couples to self-regulate, calm down, and be able to access their full brain, enabling them to develop further insight into their situation instead of perpetuating conflict. As the couple explores the present day issue and understands the childhood connection, it provides an opportunity to have compassion for our partner’s story, and better facilitate change.
How the Imago dialogue helps couples struggling with ADD or ADHD
What Imago can do for the ADHD marriage is to help create greater understanding and compassion for the other. It is often hard for the non-ADHD spouse to enter the world of their spouse and understand how challenging it is to be neuroatypical. In the non-ADHD spouse’s world, willpower is enough to get something done. It may be hard to fathom why that doesn’t work for their spouse. By being able to differentiate and realize that your spouse is a world onto his/herself, you can make the leap, have more compassion, and be less reactive when expectations aren’t met. You no longer have to take it personally because your ADHD spouse is not necessarily having trouble following through because you aren’t important; rather, they have an impairment that makes it that much more difficult.
The Imago process can help you see these differences as an asset and a growth opportunity instead of a reason to throw away your marriage. It can also help the ADHD spouse self-regulate by learning how to listening in the structured Imago Dialogue process. Not only will this help the ADHD spouse be less reactive, it will help the non-ADHD spouse feel heard, like he/she has a captive audience because the listener is not allowed to interject or respond.
While there are other tools that will be helpful to manage the ADHD, the Imago process is a great way to help provide more hope for the success of the relationship, improve communication and connection.
How to find an Imago Therapist who has experience working with ADHD couples
As with any investment, an investment in your relationship requires discerning research to make sure you are making a wise decision. This is especially true when it comes to something as sensitive as couples work. While the very essence of the practices of Imago therapy can be valuable for a couple with and ADHD spouse, you will probably want to interview the therapist prior to agreeing to working together so that you explain your concern and get a feel for whether they have experience in this area and can provide the unique guidance you will need.
Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC is a Certified Imago Therapist with The Marriage Restoration Project. He writes, "In our practice, we work with couples over two intensive days, in-person or online, in order to help them really create a breakthrough both in understanding their relationship, working through issues, and learning new skills. Accompanied with 8 ninety minute follow-up sessions, we are committed to the long-term success of the couple. As someone who has personally done Imago therapy with and ADHD spouse, I have the both the personal experience, sensitivity, as well as confidence in this process and how it can serve as a helpful vehicle for deeper understanding and restored connection. To learn more about our programs, please visit, www.TheMarriageRestorationProject.com"
Tags: Imago Therapy, Hendrix
October 22, 2020
What's the Difference Between ADD and ADHD?
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
I was asked recently about why I always use the term ‘ADHD’ when talking about any type of ADHD. Many remember the older term, ‘ADD’, and either use it interchangeably with ADHD or use it to describe the distractible version of ADHD. However, ADD is an outdated term and is no longer a medical diagnosis. Now there is just ADHD, with three subtypes..
Predominantly Inattentive Type ADHD (formerly ADD) does not present in the same way as the other two types of ADHD, known as Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Type ADHD and Combined Type ADHD.
The difference in symptoms between what used to be called ADD and ADHD mostly stem from the fact that people with ‘ADD’ often lack the hyperactivity component of ADHD. Those with primarily inattentive ADHD can be forgetful, thought to be daydreamers or struggle to follow directions. They are easily distracted, and have trouble staying on task because of that distraction. As for those with the other two subtypes of ADHD, they are more likely to be impulsive, fidgety and struggle to wait their turn.
A closer look at the three types of ADHD:
Primarily Inattentive ADHD (Formerly ADD)
Often resembles a mood disorder in adults, while it’s seen as spacey, apathetic behavior in children
Some symptoms include: difficulty sustaining attention, doesn’t listen, easily distracted, forgetful
Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHD
Often resembles the most stereotypical symptoms of ADHD like bouncing off the walls, interrupting and constantly fidgeting
Some symptoms include: excessive talking, running and climbing, interrupts others, difficulty waiting their turn
Combined Type ADHD
Occurs when you have 6 or more symptoms each of inattentive and hyperactive-impulsive ADHD
Gender considerations
ADHD isn’t gender-biased, but it can go undiagnosed in girls. More women and girls have Inattentive ADHD than have Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHD. And at least in childhood, this means that more girls will go undiagnosed than boys, since the hyperactivity component of ADHD, when present, is so obvious, particularly in the classroom.
As boys get older, some lose the hyperactive symptoms of their ADHD. Further, distraction and difficulty organizing can become bigger factors for them as they move into adult responsibilities.
This information is adapted from an article in ADDitude Magazine. For the complete article, and more information about the specific symptoms of ADHD, go to this link.
Tags: ADD, distraction, hyperactivity, symptoms of ADHD
October 7, 2020
The Cuddle Rule
Communication Tips with ADHDAnger, Frustration & ADHD
A member of one of my current non-ADHD support groups recently shared a strategy that he and his husband use to help them stay connected. The rule is simple. Any time they watch TV, they must be cuddling. For obvious reasons, they call it the Cuddle Rule.
"We make a point of touching - maybe spooning, holding hands, having our legs cross each other...some form of touching to show we care." He notes that it's always the rule in their household, no matter the emotional temperature. When they have been having a disagreement and aren't really on the same page, one might suggest they watch some television and the other will say 'You remember the Cuddle Rule, right?' The acknowledgement that they have agreed to always cuddle has become a form of repair for them. Simply put, it's a lot harder to stay mad at your partner when you're holding his hand or cuddled up, watching your favorite show.
My husband and I have now adopted the Cuddle Rule ourselves and we have great fun with it, even with others around. Recently my husband, daughter and her boyfriend were all on the couch, watching a movie. I could have sat in another chair and probably would have in other times. Instead, I said "Cuddle Rule!" and they made room for me. Both couples had fun with it and got some good cuddle time.
Why not adopt the Cuddle Rule in your own home?
Tags: repair, cuddle
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