Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 34
November 19, 2021
The importance of environment
Quote of the Week
“(Abrams asked Jane Goodall) if, from what she had seen, she believed humans tended more toward good or evil. She responded that they have equal capacity for both. “The environment we create will determine what prevails,” she told him. “In other words, what we nurture and encourage wins.”
- From a Time Magazine article about Jane Goodall
The importance of environment
I sometimes talk with couples about the importance of the ‘relationship environment.’ In doing so, I’m advocating for a healthy set of interactions in which each partner contributes their ‘best self.’ Goodall’s quote underlines why this is so important. What we nurture wins.
If you set up an environment that is full of lies, conflict and resentment, then that is what will grow and take over. If you set up an environment of curiosity and openness, then you will provide the opportunity for good things to happen.
We each contribute to the relationship environment. It’s why I encourage people to focus on what they have control over - themselves – nurturing and contributing their ‘best selves’ to the relationship…whatever that best self looks like. Since you cannot change your partner, being and living as that best self creates the greatest impact on your relationship.
Maybe your partner won’t join in that effort and never gets there. But at least you will know that you did your personal best, were the person you wanted to be and who lived in alignment with your values. And, at that point, you can make a judgment about continuing in the environment you have, or moving on.
Are you contributing your best self?
NEWS and EVENTS:
STARTING JANUARY 11, 2022 - Non-ADHD Partner Support Group, RETURNING PARTICIPANT GROUP (Only for returning participants) 10:00am, A 7-week session
STARTING JANUARY 19, 2022, LIVE ADHD EFFECT ON MARRIAGE Seminar
ONGOING - Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS JANUARY 19, 2022. Registration is now open.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
Shame
Quote of the Week
“The difference between guilt and shame is that guilt is about “I did something bad.” Shame is “I am bad.”
- Psychologist Kristen Neff
Shame
Shame is something that many adults carry around with them, hidden inside, and it may impact many of their decisions. Non-ADHD partners often unwittingly reinforce or trigger those feelings of shame, particularly when enmeshed in the struggles around parent/child dynamics. Since shame – the “I am bad” sense of oneself – is so difficult to feel, the most common response that I see is for the ADHD partner to retreat from the partner who triggers those feelings. Or, alternatively, to attack that partner in an effort to get them to disconnect. Neither leads to the kind of bond that nurtures your relationship.
It is well worth it, then, to take a long look at when feelings of shame surface and/or are triggered. You can do this with careful observation of self and partner, as well as with a verbal cue the two of you use to alert a non-ADHD partner when they are unknowingly setting up feelings of shame. Over time, you can both learn to move away from those interactions and change how you communicate around particularly difficult topics.
In addition, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a good mode for exploring and working through shame. CBT helps you examine the stories you tell yourself (including “I am bad”) and build new ones that are both more accurate and more healthy.
Are the two of you being held back by under-the-surface feelings of shame?
NEWS and EVENTS:
DECEMBER 3 - 5, 20-21 - ADHD Couples Palooza starts THIS Friday December 3-5, 2021. ADHD Couples’ weekend is NOT to be MISSED, and registration is free! My airdate is December 3rd.
DECEMBER 8, 2021 - 12 - 1:pm EST, FREE Webinar How To Engage a Resistant Partner - Couples often struggle to engage productively with each other, especially when one or both have ADHD. It's not that they don't wish to be happy together, it's just that they're wary because of chronic frustration and anger; under managed ADHD; emotional hurt; and power struggles which contribute to a build up of resentment and resistance. Melissa Orlov and Ari Tuckman talk about the basis of resistance and offer approaches for productively engaging one's partner.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Next Live Seminar starts January 19, 2022.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
Holiday Stress
Quote of the Week
“Thanksgiving is a great time to reflect on what you are thankful for. I am particularly aware of how grateful I am to be working with a community of people impacted by ADHD. There are so many seeking ways to love their partner more fully and working to make their lives better...truly it is a privilege. Thank you!”
- Melissa Orlov
Holiday Stress
Holidays, particularly if there is family around, can be a stressful time for many couples. The stress often has to do with having more people around, and having a lot more stuff that has to get done as a result. Here are a few simple ideas for lessening the pressure:
• Share the load with many. If you have many people coming to dinner, make it pot luck so you don't get stuck with all the work. If everyone is staying there, and your kitchen is too small, consider purchasing some pre-made ingredients such as Costco mashed potatoes and pies or a smoked turkey (we are doing this on our turkey day!)
• Get outside. Make sure to recharge your batteries at some point during the day with a nice walk or outside activity. It can help you de-stress. Make sure younger kids get outside, too, so that they can burn off some energy.
• Don't pack in too much. Just because your mother used to decorate the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving doesn't mean you have to. Look inside yourself and try to set aside things that you don't genuinely care about for a few days.
• Make sure there are plenty of non-alcoholic options available. The party can still be fun, and things might just be less likely to get out of hand.
• Remember to laugh. No one will remember that the potatoes got burned, but everyone will remember if they laughed and enjoyed themselves. For perspective, there are VERY few true crises around holiday dinners that have to do with the logistics of the dinner itself. They are almost always interpersonal. So laughter goes a long way.
• If you have ADHD...make an extra effort to step up and check in. If you are married to someone with ADHD, make an extra effort to coordinate rather than manage, and maintain flexibility.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
Loneliness
Quote of the Week
“Lonely is when alone feels like a curse. Alone is when being alone is a relished, delicious time with oneself. There is a huge difference.”
- Marissa Nathan Gerson
Loneliness
I remember feeling alone in my relationship, particularly early on. I had expected a continuation of the high-velocity interest that had been part of our dating relationship but, instead, was being almost completely ignored…my husband was too distracted, even as he loved me. As you know by now, we did not at that time know about his ADHD. So that loneliness truly did feel like a curse. It made me feel sad, confused and, eventually, angry.
Then there is a completely different time to be alone – for example, when one or the other of you is on a business trip and both get to pursue whatever they wish to do. That might be pampering oneself, working late into the night, or pulling out the photos you wanted to review but haven’t had time to tackle.
At the end of the trip, you are eager to see each other and catch up…no longer (you hope) alone.
If you feel lonely, speak up about it. Counseling might help strengthen your bonds and remove that ‘curse.’ If you wish to have more time alone to recharge or refocus, speak up about that, as well. It’s healthy to not always be engaged, as long as in the overall you are ‘engaged enough’ to feel satisfied and cared for.
NEWS and EVENTS:
DECEMBER 3 - 5 - First-ever ADHD Couples’ Palooza. ADHD couples have special challenges but help is on the way! Join me and register here. Free and online!
DECEMBER 8 - HOW TO ENGAGE A RESISTANT PARTNER, Improving Your ADHD-Impacted Relationship by ImpactParents. FREE WEBINAR. Attend live or get access to all recordings. Register Here.
Registration for the ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar - starting January 19, 2022 - will open Nov. 23!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 19, 2022.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
September 27, 2021
How Do I Broach the Topic of ADHD with My Partner?
Communication Tips with ADHD
You love your partner, but have begun to suspect ADHD might be a factor in your marital struggles. But you also know that your partner is sensitive to perceived criticism, or doesn't believe ADHD could be a factor. That makes bringing up the topic very tricky. Yet...you still need to do it. Because getting a diagnosis of ADHD, and starting to take ADHD into account as you seek to improve your relationship, are critical steps towards success. Ned Hallowell likes to say that ADHD is a 'good news' diagnosis. By that he means that if you have ADHD you have the symptoms. When you get the diagnosis, you can finally start addressing the symptoms.
In any event, if you believe your partner will be sensitive, here are some things to consider trying:
Read an excerpt from The ADHD Effect on Marriage to your partner. Specifically, find a couple in the patterns chapter that closely reflect your relationship. Read them out loud with a 'hey, listen to this...this is uncanny' sort of attitude. Make sure to pick at least one pattern that refletcs on your behavior, not just on your partner's.
Resist thinking it's all about ADHD. Partners often resist hearing about ADHD because they feel their partner is trying to place the blame for relationship issues on them. They can see how angry or resentful or (fill in the blank) you are...so that blame feels unfair and like an attack. Defensiveness will likely follow. An introduction like this might make your partner more interested: "Wow, I've been reading about relationships that closely resemble ours. And I'm seeing a lot of my own issues reflected back on me, as well as issues that you seem to bring to the relationship. It's really interesting and I would love to share some of it with you." Mention ADHD later, after you have your partner's interest.
Take shame into account. Negative tone of voice and unintended critiques will put your partner on the defensive. Be careful to stay in neutral territory (and tone of voice) as you discuss your issues. Talk about yourself and your own feelings, how you reached this idea. Don't talk abut your partner's short comings, and don't diagnose your partner (you're not qualified to do so, most likely.)
Use an ADHD-savvy therapist. Let them bring up the idea of ADHD. It sounds better if it doesn't come from you...and any ADHD-savvy therapist will also know about your own role in your issues, too.
Use a pre-amble. When entering into a difficult emotional topic, it's good to give warning. You might start with something like "I have something I've been thinking about for a while that I really want to discuss with you. I suspect it will be emotionally difficult, but I'm asking if you could try to stay open and hear me out." Then move carefully into talking about YOURSELF and your experiences, while also referencing that you wonder if ADHD might be a factor...and why.
Tags: adult diagnosis, shame
Extreme Emotions and ADHD
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
I have recently come across two articles that I think you would all benefit from that explain emotional regulation in adults with ADHD. One is by Russell Barkley and explores the history and biology of emotional dysregulation as a core element of ADHD. The other is an overview of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria by William Dodson, M.D. Dodson has been quite vocal about RSD in the last few years and is considered the top expert on the topic. Both articles discuss the different between mood disorders and emotional dysregulation in ADHD, which can be helpful if you're trying to figure out what is going on in yourself or your partner.
Tags: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, RSD, Dodson, Barkley, emotional dysregulation
September 22, 2021
Top Tips for Dealing with Grief
Melissa's Favorite Posts
I received an email recently from a man who is grieving that his marriage is not what he had hoped it might be. He referred to my blog post, How to Grieve for the Relationship You Didn't Get, as a good reflection of what he was experienced, and then asked the question about what the things are that I do to deal with my grief. This is a big, big topic and many of you experience feelings of grief intermittently or even regularly.
How I work through feelings of grief
I acknowledge my grief. Recognizing it is there, and allowing myself to feel it, is the very first step to dealing with one's feelings. Much better than hiding your feelings of grief – when you do this, they may fester and grow. Acknowledging you are feeling grief may be uncomfortable at first, but stick with it. Allowing that it's okay to feel any emotions you have can be a healthy way to start to both understand and deal with them better.
I seek parts of that grief that might lead to personal growth. Grief, particularly if you let yourself feel it, is not ‘bad’ – it’s just an acknowledgment that you had expectations that aren’t being met in some way, and that makes you particularly sad. Many people go into their marriages believing they will live a fairy tale, only to discover that lots of life is drudgery or that thre is something quite different than they expected, for example their partner is less attentive or more angry than they expected. If your partner has emotional outbursts or you find you feel confined or resentful, the gap between expectations and reality grows, and so might your grief. There is an opportunity here, though. Were your expectations realistic? Were they based in childhood trauma that needs to be explored? Do others share your concerns? Would you benefit from counseling? Is there a way to look at your life (or your partner) in a different light? What would it take to do this? Look into your feelings of grief to see if there are paths that lead to a better outcome.
I keep a journal about my feelings, in order to get them out. This is not for everyone, but I happen to find writing cathartic. And a journal is a great BS meter. If I write something and I am trying to fool myself or convince myself of something, a little voice in my head says “well, Melissa, that’s not really true…try again!”
I have an active gratitude practice with which I also seek to put my grief into perspective. There ARE good things happening, too, and if I ruminate too much upon my grief I find that I miss seeing the good. On any given day I might be grateful for a particular person in my life; for the sound of the rain; for a great book; for a nice thing my partner said. You don't want to miss out on all of the good parts of your life just because you are feeling grief, too. Furthermore, practicing gratitude has been shown to ‘rewire’ one’s brain to more easily see the positive. This is a good way to counter feelings of grief.
I talk with others. I’m working through some significant feelings of grief at the moment. It really helps to talk with sympathetic friends and also a counselor to explore my feelings and situation. My non-ADHD support groups also provide an excellent venue for people to explore their feelings, including grief.
I exercise and don’t drinking much. Alcohol is a depressant. Exercise is a mood enhancer as well as being good for your entire body (and brain.) ‘Nuf said!
Tags: Grief, gratitude, exercise, anger
September 15, 2021
Negative Feedback
Quote of the Week
“Negative feedback loops are really good things. Without them, the bad things keep happening...until it's too late.”
- Deb Roy, director of the MIT Laboratory for Social Machines and the newly appointed director of the interdisciplinary Center for Constructive Communication
Negative Feedbacks
It’s hard to hear someone when they tell you they are unhappy with something you’ve done…or not done. And it’s hard to hear a partner tell you that your emotions, or what you just said, hurt. Critiques are common in relationships impacted by ADHD, and they hurt.
What to do? If you just hold your thoughts in, then it eats away at the relationship and pops out as resentment or chronic anger. Yet, if you provide constant negative feedback, that deflates the positive energy the relationship might have.
It’s a balancing act, for sure!
Here are constructive ways to provide feedback so that ‘the bad things don’t keep happening,’ as Roy notes:
Comment on patterns, not individual incidents. That keeps the conversation at a higher level (less likely to spark defensiveness) and also keeps the number of incidents of feedback smaller. “I’ve noticed you’ve had trouble following through on things over the last 2 weeks, can we talk about this?” is more constructive than 7 different critiques about poor follow through
Remember that you need 5 positive comments to offset every 1 negative comment – so seek the positives and speak up about them!
Consider creating a specific time for feedback or issues you are confronting – this frees up the rest of the week to be a critique-free zone
Talk about yourself and your feelings, rather than about something your partner has done
Use ‘soft starts’ and make sure you have your partner’s full attention before getting into the core of what you wish to say
If you know what you are speaking about is a sensitive topic for your partner, consider giving a pre-amble. Something like “I know what I want to talk about is a difficult topic for you, but it’s important to me and I’m hoping you’ll be able to stay open to what I have to say. I am not trying to hurt you – rather, I’m trying to express my feelings.”
These are a few ideas that can help the two of you remain honest with each other, and keep smaller or repetitive issues from becoming big ones.
Because this is such a big issue for so many couples, I also sponsor an Emotions and triggers course for one or both partners. Starting October 14th this is a good way learn how to engage with feedback.
NEWS and EVENTS:
STARTING OCTOBER 14 - Emotions and triggers course - How do you calm emotions that get quickly out of control? How do you keep a partner engaged when triggers lead to avoidance and escape? Don't be held hostage by emotions and triggers.
STARTING OCTOBER 20TH - Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration OPEN! Repair your marriage & learn to thrive now!
The ADHD Effect on Marriage is Healthline’s pick for the 10 Best ADHD Books of 2021
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS October 20, 2021. Registration is now open.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
Emotional Tantrums
Quote of the Week
“During your child’s tantrum, it is not your job to calm your child down. Your job is to calm yourself and keep your child safe.”
- Dr. Becky Kennedy
Emotional Tantrums
‘Tantrum’ is a word that I hate to use about adult behavior, but unfortunately in the emotional dysregulation that can come with ADHD, it can sometimes be apt. I’ve seen grown men jump up and down in one place, face red, with fists balled up. It’s not pretty. And it is a tantrum.
I chose this quote because it speaks to a common response to tantrums that doesn’t typically work – trying to calm someone down once the tantrum has started. At that point, the person’s logical thinking has been hijacked, and calming them is almost impossible. Instead, you must let the angry partner calm down and make sure everyone (including yourself) remains safe. The calmer the other partner is, the less fuel for the tantrum ‘fire.’
A better strategy is to create a verbal cue to use before the tantrum starts that keeps emotions from escalating. I review how to do this in my couples seminar.
I have also recently written a blog post on extreme emotions that provides interesting info on the biology of emotional dysregulation and on RSD.
If you have wild outbursts in your relationship, I hope you review these resources.
NEWS and EVENTS:
Registration for the next live session will open up in the next week or two. In the meantime, the self-study is available.
Registration for the January non-ADHD support groups will open up on December 8.
To all Veterans: Thank you for your service!
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
RESOURCES:
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
Healthy Detachment
Quote of the Week
“Detachment involved present moment living…living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and focus about the future. We make the most of each day.”
- Melodie Beatty
Healthy Detachment
Detachment in relationships is often misunderstood. People think it means not engaging, perhaps losing interest in a partner. But what it really means is engaging only in constructive ways and focusing on those things that you do and should have control over.
This can be hard in ADHD-impacted relationships. Many non-ADHD partners spend a lot of time thinking about how they would like their partner to behave (I’ve been guilty of this) rather than thinking about whether or not it’s their role to do so. It’s hard to separate the “what would feel good to me” from the “what is my partner’s right to decide to do.” This is, in part, because if your partner decides not to do something (or wants to do it, but forgets) it feels as if the burden then lands in your lap. Or that something hurtful will soon happen.
That may be so, but that doesn’t change the landscape here. Even if the result isn’t ideal, that doesn’t change your partner’s right to choose how they will lead their own life.
The way to manage this, then, is to live more in the present moment and to constantly ask yourself…is this REALLY mine to manage? Doing this can be humbling and feel very uncomfortable. But it puts the burden on effort on the person who actually has that burden – the ‘do-er.’
The result might be that each partner takes more personal responsibility…since the buck actually does stop with them. It might be that the couple comes to a better understanding of the strengths and weaknesses of both partners and works that into their routines. It might be that the couple goes to counseling to work through issues around boundaries…and there are other options.
My point is this – detachment leads to healthier relationships by placing the responsibility for a person’s actions with that person – where it belongs.
Do you have healthy detachment in your relationship? And if not, would trying to live in the moment help?
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session started October 20, 2021.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2021 Melissa Orlov
Melissa Orlov's Blog
- Melissa Orlov's profile
- 17 followers
