Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 32
April 22, 2022
Setting SMART Goals for ADHD Habit Change
Quote of the Week“My wife and I took your seminar, and really learned a lot, although we're still struggling. I have a question about SMART goals. It's easy to set up a goal for something like exercise (i.e. 30 min, 4x/week), but I'm having a hard time thinking of how to have a measurable goal for something more amorphous. One of my target symptoms is emotional dysregulation... Would it make sense to count how often I'm dysregulated, and then try to reduce that number? It seems very non-specific. And I'm not always sure when I'm being dysregulated, and I'm not sure I'd always agree with my wife.”
- couples seminar participant
Setting SMART Goals for ADHD Habit ChangeAre there elements of the dysregulation that are characteristic of what you are trying to change? For example, yelling, cursing, eye rolling, feeling shut down and needing to be in your own space? If so, you might be able to use those specific behaviors as the thing to count/measure using SMART*. "For the next 2 weeks I will yell no more than 3 times." If you disagree about what constitutes yelling, use your wife's definition, as she's on the receiving end. My experience is that those who are yelling are often not aware they are doing so.
Over time, if you address a number of characteristic behaviors related to emotional dysregulation you should be able to improve the emotional functioning in your relationship. At the same time, I would also suggest you add ‘treatments’ such as exercise, better sleep, and mindfulness training, which are also helpful in diminishing emotional outbursts. That way it’s not just changing the behaviors, it’s changing the inputs to that lead to those behaviors. BOTH are important.
*SMART is an effective tool for holding oneself accountable and effecting change in ADHD-impacted relationships. It is a way of setting goals that are specific, and therefore allow you to understand whether or not you were successful in meeting that good. SMART stands for Specific; Measurable; Attainable; Repeatable; and Time-Bound. Google it if you want to find out more.
NEWS and EVENTS:
Registration Opens July 1st for FALL 2022 Live ADHD Effects Couples Seminar: All Fall 2022 sessions are on WEDNESDAYS & starts Sept 14.
REGISTER NOW for the Self-Study version of The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS September 14, 2022.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2022 Melissa Orlov
Actions Have Consequences
Quote of the Week“Watch out!
You might get what you’re after…”
- The Talking Heads, Burning Down the House
Actions Have ConsequencesActions have consequences. If you act as if you are helpless in a relationship, not carrying your weight in household responsibilities, you may well be consigned to a ‘less than’ role in your partnership. Even if what you think you want is respect.
If you aggressively pursue your partner in an effort to get them to do more, you may live the consequences of that aggression – not the compliance you are looking for, but the other human response – escape from your pursuit.
If you say you really want to find a new job, but don’t update your resume or apply to any positions, your partner is likely to wonder if you really do want that job, after all.
If you love your partner but also have an affair you may end up divorced, even if divorce is not what you sought, only fun.
Others will generally interpret your actions to be representative of ‘what you’re after’ or want. You are not in control of how others will respond to your actions, so don’t make any assumptions that they will see it as you do, and be careful about what you communicate through your actions and choices. As the Talking Heads say…watch out, you might get what you’re after. Or at least what others perceive you’re after.
NEWS and EVENTS:
You may find this new offering useful: Starting May 12: "Guided Support Group for Adults with ADHD & Anxiety: Confident and Calmer--a 6 week group"
For those in marriages impacted by ADHDAdult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS fall 2022.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2022 Melissa Orlov
Not in Control
Quote of the Week
“It’s true we can’t always control the outcome of our efforts, and wishing won’t take us back to how things were before…I focus not on what could have been, but what can be.”
- Gabby Giffords (op ed on gun violence, responding to threats to democracy, and creating change)
Not in Control
While Giffords here is talking about gun violence, the idea of looking towards today and tomorrow’s potential carries great wisdom. We may feel regret: that we didn’t know about ADHD sooner; that we made certain decisions in the past we wouldn’t make today…whatever you might regret. But that does little for us because it is in the past and we cannot change the past. But Gifford points out we can’t control the outcome of today’s efforts, either. We can hope that our partner will hear our ideas or complaints but not whether they will be adopted. We can try to press our partner to use medication, for example, but our partner’s body is not ours to control and we must respect his or her decisions and autonomy.
I think it’s not just about focusing on what could be, but actually acting on what could be. Behavioral psychology suggests that if we act in ways that reflect what we want, we are more likely to move in that direction. So even though you can’t control or guarantee an outcome, you can still influence it. If you want compassion in your relationship, practice it yourself. If you want respectful behavior, be respectful (and put up firm boundaries for what happens if your partner is not respectful).
Do you have a (realistic) vision of what you would like your relationship to be, and are you focused on making that your goal today and tomorrow through your own actions? Yep, you know me and you know I’ll tell you that you both have to be involved to make it happen. But, remember that while you don’t have control, you may well be able to influence.
NEWS and EVENTS:
The Foundations in Habit Development (FHD) Group Coaching - September 27, 2022 – November 15, 2022 - is designed to help solidify the changes you have started to make and want to firm up. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar with Melissa.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS fall 2022.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2022 Melissa Orlov
April 19, 2022
My Partner is Having an Affair. Now What?
Negotiation and Setting Boundaries
Your partner is having an affair? This is one of the most profound shocks you can receive – almost limitless pain, even if you’ve been through it before. Everything in your world turns upside down and the intensity of finding out your partner has been cheating is hard to describe. As the cheater, your partner is not tuned into your pain because being on the cheating side is a vastly different (and much more positive) experience.
You are not alone. Ari Tuckman’s research with ADHD adults and their non-ADHD partners suggests some sobering statistics. 36% of non-ADHD women had had an emotional affair and 22% had had a physical affair. 49% of women with ADHD had had an emotional affair, with 40% having had a physical affair. On the men’s side of things, 25% of men without ADHD said they had had an emotional affair and 43% a physical affair while 28% of men with ADHD claimed emotional affairs and 39% physical affairs.
That’s a lot of cheating. And, for some, repairing.
Some couples find that the discovery of an affair is the jolt to their systems they need to really explore the issues they face, and craft a more sustainable future (about 25% of married couples successfully survive affairs, according to recent research) . Others find there is no clear path to recovery. Many couples fall in between. They try for a while, then can’t overcome the violation of trust. But at the outset, at least, you don’t really know which group you’ll fall into. Here are my suggestions for ways to respond when you’ve landed in this horrible situation.
8 Steps for Responding to A Just-Discovered Affair...and More
Don’t make any rash moves. Your first instinct may be to ask for divorce and be done with all the pain – perhaps because you assume others will believe this is the ‘right’ thing to do. It may end up being so, but many couples do recover from infidelity. Give yourself some time – at least a few weeks – to gather information, get a bit stabilized, and assess what your options may be. The most important immediate decision will be how much time you wish to be with or near your partner as you digest this hurt. Some ask their partner to move out. Others want to keep the partner close, in order to interact. That decision is up to you. (Note – if you are considering moving out yourself, contact a lawyer first to see what implications this might have if you do decide the only path is divorce).
Seek non-judgmental support. Confide in a close friend whom you trust not to tell you what your decision should be, but who will act as a non-judgmental support system. Someone with whom you can cry and talk about your feelings, including your anger and confusion. In addition, professional support can be incredibly helpful at this time. I suggest the friend first because you need immediate support and may not be able to find a therapist to see you immediately, but do find a professional.
Be compassionate and strong. As hard as it may be to hear this, your partner is also probably hurting. Putting aside an affair partner, particularly on short notice, can feel traumatic. So you won’t be the only one in pain. (As you contend with your partner's pain, remember it’s all too easy to create a fantasy about what it might be like to be with the affair partner, but the vast majority of the time those who go off to start a new life with an affair partner don’t end up staying together. An affair is WAY different from living with a person full time.)
Don’t trust, and do verify. Unless your partner came to you to expose the affair, chances are good that exposure it isn’t going to bring the affair to a screeching halt. A partner might say they are going to end the affair, but many go underground again and linger for a while…sometimes for a long while (or stops temporarily but then restarts again). Remember that your partner has been having this affair because it feels good…and that there is an affair partner with a desire to keep it going exerting influence, as well. For healing to begin in what was supposed to be a monogamous relationship, the affair must stop but be aware it may not do so right away.
Here are some things that may indicate your partner still has something to hide:
S/he refuses to allow access to all credit card accounts and phone records
You find keys or a phone in your partner’s briefcase you don’t recognize
S/he refuses to allow you to peruse his or her electronic devices
Make excuses when you do come across evidence of the affair partner that has not been shared openly (“that call must have been a drunken butt dial” or “I forgot to block him/her in Facetime” after having assured you all contact options had been blocked)
Still traveling more than expected or needed, sometimes stays into the weekend rather than coming home
Unwilling to leave the phone on for access to him or her at any time
Spends lots of time in the bathroom with a phone or tablet (or outside or in the car)
Other lies – even small ones – are still obvious in the relationship
The partner quickly minimizes windows on the computer whenever you walk into the room
S/he is defensive rather than contrite when you bring up your concerns – tries to deflect blame for his or her choices back on you
S/he is angry about your pain or threatens to divorce you if you keep acting up
Things keep happening that don’t make sense – your partner wants to purchase another car even though there seems no need for one; your partner brings home bags of goodies from stores he never frequents; your partner seems eager for you to do things on your own rather than join you when you go out; your gut keeps telling you ‘something’s not right’ though you can’t put your finger on what.
Sadly, it is this stage - when a discovered affair goes back underground - that has the most destructive long-term impact on a couple. It is particularly difficult for someone who has been cheated on to recover trust if the cheating partner convincingly states they are done. You do the work to repair some trust and think things are better, your partner assures you it’s all over, and then the affair shows back up again. You discover that you can neither trust your partner NOR trust your own instincts in assessing the situation.
Consider exposing the affair to other involved parties. I’ve talked with quite a number of couples in which the affair partner was known and married. If this is the case, I believe you owe it to fourth person in this mess to expose the affair. It IS your business that the affair partner get pressure from the other side to clean up his or her act and I’ve only heard gratitude from partners who’ve received a call and heard ‘my partner is having an affair with your partner’. If your partner doesn’t like this, take that as an indication that their heart is not fully with you. Because discomfort at getting outed is one of the consequences of having an affair.
Make it clear your partner must fully commit if they want to continue with you, and not with the affair partner. Full commitment, and proof of that commitment, may take a good bit of time, and can fall apart, so is quite nerve-wracking. Here are some ways partners may prove they are changing their path and are no longer involved with the affair partner. (As you read these, remember that you are protecting your ability to learn to trust again):
Full transparency for all financial, social media, phone and email accounts – no financial accounts are hidden or off limits, including credit cards. Insist they are shared. If your partner balks, too bad. They’ve earned this oversight. If you’re not sure your partner is being transparent, let them know you’ll run a credit report to check for hidden credit cards or hire a detective to verify they are doing what they say they are doing if needed (do these things transparently - you don't want to add to the lying in the relationship)
Partner acknowledges they have personal work to do – takes full responsibility for improving his/her side of the partnership
Partner is willing to go to individual counseling and couples counseling for as long as it takes
Partner is willing to discuss your pain, even if it’s hard. (Responsibility for choosing to have an affair rests solely with the person having the affair…other options for solving relationship problems existed. They owe it to you to engage with your resulting pain.)
Partner is willing to discuss his or her own confusion and painful feelings openly (and I urge you to listen - though painful, there is much to learn here)
Partner, if still seeing the affair partner, is willing to move out and work through his or her next steps openly to conclusion
Trust your instincts.
Live your pain and confront your fears. The pain is intense, but boxing it off somewhere rather than experiencing it fully hurts you in the long run. If boxed off, you can’t work through what the pain means and address the issues behind it. Eventually, pretending everything is okay means everything is definitely NOT okay. In addition, to successfully determine what is best for you, you’ll need to confront any fear you might hold about leaving the relationship. Fear of being on your own can lead you to make decisions that are NOT in your best interests. Bottom line – you are always better without a partner who has decided your needs are not important than you are with that person.
Long-term, address the underlying rot. Somewhere, there is a reason that the affair happened. There are feelings or habits or addictions or trauma or something else in one or both partners that has made the relationship vulnerable to a third party. Work with a counselor – usually for quite a while – to compassionately understand the weaknesses in your partnership, and make meaningful improvements in how you are together. Listen to, and believe, your partner’s concerns, and make sure to fully and compassionately air your own. If you don’t do both, you risk having the same issue crop up again because the underlying problem is still there.
Interested in more resources?
Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirly Glass, Ph.D.
Living and Loving after Betrayal by Steven Stosney, Ph.D.
“I Love You But I Don’t Trust You”: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum
Tags: affair, emotional affair, cheating, physical affair
April 15, 2022
13 Apps to Help Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHDConflicts Around Household Tasks
Easily accessible anywhere, often fun to interact with, and providing a neutral structure for learning or organizing, these apps can help with specific issues you face:
Brili - Created for families as a motivational and task organizer, Brili helps people understand and become more comfortable with the steps it takes to get something done. It's great for tracking regular tasks, as well as not having to re-imagine the steps needed to move through a routine each time you do it - a valuable time saver for a person with ADHD who struggles with 'reinventing the wheel' every time they approach a routine. One woman I spoke with said one way she used it was to set up a night time routine so it could become a habit. She put every step of getting ready for bed (and putting out clothes for the next day) into the app, significantly lessening the stress of having to think through it every night. Over time, the consistency of the approach helped her efficiently master the routine she wanted to set up.
OurHome - The OurHome app cleverly gamifies family tasks, providing motivation to complete one's responsibilities with a points system. Adults and kids using the app can see how many points others have, and keeping up with your points (and tasks) can become a fun and friendly competition. OurHome assigns specific tasks to specific people, tracks progress, coordinates calendars, and more. One woman told me "When my partner sees that I'm pulling ahead in the number of points I've earned for the week he immediately jumps on completing more of his tasks so he doesn't fall behind!"
YNAB, Mint and PersonalCapital - quantifying your spending and available income can help calm financial disagreements as well as save you money. These three apps/programs provide powerful tools to automatically track spending (by loading credit card and bank account information in real time); set up spending goals and track progress against them; and (Mint) send alerts when you start to reach your spending limit for the month. PersonalCapital can also provide insight into retirement savings needed and other critical information for your financial health. For couples arguing over whether or not money should be spent, or whether enough is being saved for retirement, these programs help move the conversation from opinion to hard fact. Note, YNAB has a monthly fee.
Rena-Fi coursework and coaching - Some money issues are emotional - trouble controlling the impulse to spend; not thinking through risk, etc. Rena-Fi is not an app, but an online educational company started specifically to help adults with ADHD improve their money management. This is a subscription-based service.
Google Calendar - coordinating events in a busy family can be aided with Google Calendar. Families can create multiple calendars that can be switched on or off for a full view. For example, you might keep your business calendar in Google Calendar, and then have a separate calendar for family events and obligations such as driving or dinners out that is shared with your partner. All calendars can be viewed simultaneously (and color coded) so that you can see the 'master' plan for all obligations or just those on a specific calendar. Everything in one place, and easy to access on any device.
Headspace, and UCLA Mindful app (free): Mental health apps are a real mixed bag. The best ones are those based in research and that have been tested. Some useful ones for adults with ADHD and their partners include these mindfulness apps mentioned here, as well as CBT Thought Diary (for changing those negative stories we carry around about ourselves) and PTSD Coach. Breathe2Relax is a useful app that teaches and supports belly breathing for self calming.
Lasting is an app that helps couples regularly spend a little bit of time connecting and paying attention to their relationship. It includes fun activities, education and more.
Tags: apps, mindfulness, organization, mental health support, technology
12 Apps to Help Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHDConflicts Around Household Tasks
Easily accessible anywhere, often fun to interact with, and providing a neutral structure for learning or organizing, these apps can help with specific issues you face:
Brili - Created for families as a motivational and task organizer, Brili helps people understand and become more comfortable with the steps it takes to get something done. It's great for tracking regular tasks, as well as not having to re-imagine the steps needed to move through a routine each time you do it - a valuable time saver for a person with ADHD who struggles with 'reinventing the wheel' every time they approach a routine. One woman I spoke with said one way she used it was to set up a night time routine so it could become a habit. She put every step of getting ready for bed (and putting out clothes for the next day) into the app, significantly lessening the stress of having to think through it every night. Over time, the consistency of the approach helped her efficiently master the routine she wanted to set up.
OurHome - The OurHome app cleverly gamifies family tasks, providing motivation to complete one's responsibilities with a points system. Adults and kids using the app can see how many points others have, and keeping up with your points (and tasks) can become a fun and friendly competition. OurHome assigns specific tasks to specific people, tracks progress, coordinates calendars, and more. One woman told me "When my partner sees that I'm pulling ahead in the number of points I've earned for the week he immediately jumps on completing more of his tasks so he doesn't fall behind!"
YNAB, Mint and PersonalCapital - quantifying your spending and available income can help calm financial disagreements as well as save you money. These three apps/programs provide powerful tools to automatically track spending (by loading credit card and bank account information in real time); set up spending goals and track progress against them; and (Mint) send alerts when you start to reach your spending limit for the month. PersonalCapital can also provide insight into retirement savings needed and other critical information for your financial health. For couples arguing over whether or not money should be spent, or whether enough is being saved for retirement, these programs help move the conversation from opinion to hard fact. Note, YNAB has a monthly fee.
Rena-Fi coursework and coaching - Some money issues are emotional - trouble controlling the impulse to spend; not thinking through risk, etc. Rena-Fi is not an app, but an online educational company started specifically to help adults with ADHD improve their money management. This is a subscription-based service.
Google Calendar - coordinating events in a busy family can be aided with Google Calendar. Families can create multiple calendars that can be switched on or off for a full view. For example, you might keep your business calendar in Google Calendar, and then have a separate calendar for family events and obligations such as driving or dinners out that is shared with your partner. All calendars can be viewed simultaneously (and color coded) so that you can see the 'master' plan for all obligations or just those on a specific calendar. Everything in one place, and easy to access on any device.
Headspace, and UCLA Mindful app (free): Mental health apps are a real mixed bag. The best ones are those based in research and that have been tested. Some useful ones for adults with ADHD and their partners include these mindfulness apps mentioned here, as well as CBT Thought Diary (for changing those negative stories we carry around about ourselves) and PTSD Coach. Breathe2Relax is a useful app that teaches and supports belly breathing for self calming.
Tags: apps, mindfulness, organization, mental health support, technology
March 28, 2022
8 Tips for Dealing with ADHD Partner Clutter and Hoarding
Conflicts Around Household Tasks
If your ADHD partner has piles of things all over the house, and has difficulty cleaning up or throwing out, you are NOT alone! This is a common issue for adults with ADHD, and it can cause quite a bit of friction between partners. I've had many non-ADHD partners say that the mess their ADHD partner leaves makes them physically uncomfortable in their own home, Plus, when you've requested that a partner keep track of their stuff and they don't seem to, it feels as if they don't care about you and/or don't listen to you.
Stuff everywhere is, therefore, a big deal in ADHD-impacted relationships.
What follows is information about ADHD an hoarding, as well as 9 tips for what couples can do about it.
ADHD and keeping stuff - what's going on?!
Some research studies have suggested that ADHD and hoarding-like tendencies (and, in fact, hoarding) are tightly linked. Perhaps a bit more than 40% of people with ADHD have hoarding tendencies, in fact. You can read more about that research here.
This certainly fits with what I've observed as I have worked with partners. It can be hard to let things go, and the logic behind it is below. But before I get to that, I also want to note a different aspect of hoarding, which is messiness. It's not just about keeping things, it's also about putting it in its place. So amount of possessions is one thing. But where they are located is often even more impactful. You can put things that are in the way into a storage unit, as one man recently wrote me, but then if piles of other stuff keep piling up in your house, and you have to keep stepping over the new stuff, that doesn't really solve the problem.
Which means it's not just about stuff, it's about mindset and executive function skill set.
8 tips for getting the mess under control
These ideas will help you understand the specific issues you and your partner face, and provide targeted ideas for addressing them:
Sometimes it's about executive function skills. The partner with ADHD wants to be able to be more organized, but just doesn't have motivation or tools. Solution: hire an ADHD coach who can help identify the specific executive function (EF) skills that are in play, and can help the ADHD partner build their EF skill set. This is personalized assistance, and also has the benefit of making the ADHD partner accountable to the coach rather than a partner. In addition, there are organizational skills boot camps for adults with ADHD, such as those given for women with ADHD by Linda Roggli of ADDiva.
Many with ADHD report they just don't see the mess. Truly don't see it. This makes keeping track of it in order to clean it up more of a challenge. Solution: Put a 'task' in your regular reminder systems where part of the task is 'looking differently' at the environmental mess, in order to see it and put it away. One example: a sticky note on the bathroom mirror that says 'did you clean up the family room?' If you are getting ready for bed and the answer is no, you head back downstairs.
Leaving things out makes it easier to find them. This goes along with the 'now and not now' time zones of ADHD, though it's a more physical manifestation. As in 'out of sight, out of mind.' It can be hard to remember where you put something if it's hidden from view and in a drawer, for example, vs. if it's out on the countertop where you can stumble upon it. Solution: create easy-to-view storage solutions, such as piles of things on open shelves (instead of the kitchen counter); clear and well-marked containers that are nearby into which things can quickly be put.
The law of unlimited possibilities. The creative ADHD mind can often see a potential future use for something, thus encouraging hanging onto it vs. letting it go. Solution: create a storage system that is well labeled into which you can put those items for future use if they are needed but so they are also out of your main living area. This is a win/win solution. The ADHD partner keeps their stuff. Neither partner needs to be stepping over it. This system might be stacked clear boxes by 'topic' (bikes; kitchen; tools etc) dates or some other meaningful method that will be understandable.
Each decision to toss is a hard individual choice. When faced with a room of things that need to be sorted through, taking the time to ask "what do I do with this?" for EVERY INDIVIDUAL ITEM can be almost physically painful to someone with ADHD. Too many choices (and too much stuff to deal with) can feel overwhelming. Solutions: get a helper to do the main sorting to eliminate that step, at least; break the task down into smaller chunks and gamify it (race a time for half an hour and see how much stuff can be done); create a simplified decision system such as 'keep, recycle, toss' so that you simplify each decision point. You can then go back later to the 'keep' basket.
Doesn't have an ADHD-friendly organizational system set up. Some organizational systems work better than others for those with ADHD (such as using large clear bins, vs. a multitude of drawers to sort things into). Solutions: implement some ADHD-friendly organizational tools. To do this, consider hiring an ADHD coach or purchasing the book, ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize your Life. A professional organizer familiar with ADHD could also be a great help in setting up an initial system and getting a large amount of stuff tamed up front.
Doesn't care about the mess. For some, doing tasks like cleaning up don't carry much meaning...and are hard to do. I had one houseguest memorably say to me, "Why would anyone do chores? They are boring, never ending, and the work gets messed up right away in any event..." If you don't see the mess in the first place, or it doesn't bother you, this is a very logical (if frustrating) point of view. Solutions: Gently change the conversation from being about chores to being about making the effort to show others that you care about them AND simultaneously implement some ADHD-friendly organizational strategies. Using a buddy system, or gamifying boring chores can both help, for example.
Sometimes, a power struggle. Less often than other issues, not cleaning up can be an act of defiance. If the other partner is very upset about the mess, not dealing with it can be a case of expressing "you're not the boss of me." Solution: work to eliminate parent/child dynamics.
Tags: ADHD adults, hoarding, mess, messiness, decluttering, piles of stuff
March 16, 2022
Embracing Pain
Quote of the Week
“Unfortunately, most of us are not taught as children to embrace painful feelings. It’s counterintuitive and goes against our neurobiological wiring. If we have a traumatic history, all the more so. And our society by-and-large is an emotion-dismissing culture. But as (Brene) Brown cautions, there’s a price to pay when we selectively numb emotions: when we numb our painful feelings, we also numb our positive ones. So, if we want the good things in life (and I think most of us want the good things), then it’s a package deal.”
- Kerry Lusignan
Free Choice
Have you ever apologized for crying in front of another? Have you sought to put your pain aside so you didn’t have to deal with it? I have, for sure! And yet, the only way to really deal with pain is not to move past it but to actually move through it. You have to acknowledge it, feel it, shake hands with it, and allow it to flow through you.
If you don’t, the pain stays within you and colors the parts of your life that are supposed to be the wonderful spots, too. How could it not? If it’s there, it’s there, set aside or not.
This presents an issue if you are a non-ADHD partner, who finds that some of the pain comes from living with the repetitive symptoms exhibited by a partner with ADHD. To deal with this, both partners need to be involved. The ADHD partner needs to work to manage the ADHD symptom expression as best s/he can. Simultaneously, the non-ADHD partner benefits from understanding what in their interactions is a ‘given’ and what is the result of expectations and a lack of understanding of what ADHD is all about. Better understanding ADHD, responses to ADHD, and what I call the ADHD Effect can really help you determine whether or not this is the best right relationship for you both. And if it is, how to thrive in it.
I urge you to confront the pain you feel, assess your expectations relative to your actual situation, and put the full court press on managing ADHD symptoms. Somewhere in that mix is where your relationship sweet spot probably exists.
NEWS and EVENTS:
Happy Easter! Happy Passover! Happy Spring!
My 15 Tips for Better Follow-Through Treating Your ADHD in Psychology Today
ADHD Coaching - Foundations in Habit Development September 27, 2022 – November 15, 2022 - REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS fall 2022.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2022 Melissa Orlov
Real Self Care
Quote of the Week
“The true work of ‘self-care’ is recognizing you are the only one who can give yourself permission to take back your time and energy.”
- Dr. Pooia Lakshmin, M.D. Currently writing The Tyranny of Self-Care
Real Self Care
“When I say self-care, I’m not talking about planning a spa day or getting a mani-pedi. I mean giving yourself plenty of space and support.”
-Terri Cole, Author of Boundary Boss: The essential guide to talk true, be seen, and (finally) live free
I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to the idea of self-care, in part because I don’t particularly go for spa days (too expensive!!). But also because as I age I see just how important it is to take care of oneself physically and mentally. This idea of giving oneself space and support turns out to be quite effective.
Here’s what I’ve been doing on the physical side of things: getting plenty of outdoor time, riding bikes, hiking, walking and even eating outdoors; slowing down my weekends to include less scheduled time (I still have more to do than I need!); saving time for some fun art and music projects; taking the time to eat plenty of healthy food.
On the mental health side of things, I’ve been talking with a professional, spending lots of time with family and friends, and watching far less violent tv.
Dr. Ned Hallowell likes to talk about ‘the other Vitamin C – connection’ and I agree with him. My life, with all of this slowing down and connecting with others, feels far more balanced and vibrant than it did before I started overtly giving myself time and space to nurture that which is important to me.
Are you giving yourself – and your partner – enough space for self-care?
NEWS and EVENTS:
How to successfully co-parent when one or both parents have ADHD. Join me, April 14 for Parents with ADHD MasterClass.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS FALL 2022.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2022 Melissa Orlov
Hate and Love
Quote of the Week
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Hate and Love
When your partner is angry at you it’s tempting (and perhaps human nature) to want to be angry back. But, as King noted, darkness cannot drive out darkness. You’ve likely noticed that not much actually changes when the two of you are yelling at each other.
This fits with marital research done by John Gottman and associates, which demonstrates that more important than how you argue is actually how you repair as a couple. The steps of repair are that one person makes a ‘bid for repair,’ which might be an apology, holding of a hand, a smile, an affirmation or some other ‘bridge maker.’ Importantly, the next step is ‘accepting that bid for repair.’ One partner might apologize, but if the other partner doesn’t accept the apology (or smile, or touch, etc) then the repair is not complete or effective.
You may not have thought about the importance of repair in your relationship but I urge you to do so now. What works for the two of you? What smooths things so that you can reconnect, or at least more calmly discuss your differences?
News and Event
Did you miss the ADHD Women's Palooza? There's still time for the special pricing.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session FALL 2022.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
- Please follow us for tips and resources.
© 2022 Melissa Orlov
Melissa Orlov's Blog
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