Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 27

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

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Published on June 08, 2023 09:40

Your Precious Life

ADHD & Marriage News - August 3, 2023

Quote of the Week

“What is it your plan to do

With your one wild and precious life?”

-Mary Oliver

Your Precious Life

You, and only you, are in charge of the choices you make in your life. We can’t control random events around us, but we can control our own responses.

I am a cancer survivor, and like practically every cancer survivor I know, I found that having cancer has a way of illustrating what’s NOT important in your life. There is a reason that, to this day, I have a sticker on my coffee maker which says ‘Live Joyfully.’ It’s a reminder to think and live that way every single day.

We have one life, and it might be altered forever, later today. Put another way (and not to be morbid) if you died tomorrow, would you be happy about the choices you’ve made?

Seriously. Ask yourself that question. If the answer is no, it’s time to ask ‘why not?’ and start addressing what you find.

Are you honoring your wild and precious life?

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ Are you a member of the adhdmarriage.com forum? You need to create an account first. While there, be sure to search for topics that you are struggling with, and consider leaving a comment too. It is a huge community of people supporting each other... join them! I hop on occasionally to offer advice too.

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

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Published on June 08, 2023 09:39

Anger v. Contempt

ADHD & Marriage News - July 27, 2023

Quote of the Week

“Anger is a constructive emotion – it’s an emotion that wants resolution. When I’m angry with you what I want to do is have some sort of interaction around that anger. Anger is relational. Contempt is the opposite. Contempt is ‘I’m just not going to deal with you, you’re beneath notice. You’re not going to be in my circle anymore. You’re not worth engaging with.’”

-Ezra Klein, in a podcast about the epidemic of loneliness in the U.S.

Anger v. Contempt

There is a reason that John Gottman’s research suggests that contempt is one of the top indicators of impending divorce. Who would want to be married to someone who feels “you’re beneath my notice” or, for that matter, to someone they value so little?

If you feel that your partner is contemptuous, it’s urgent that you get help right away. For your own health, insist on either personal or couples professional assistance. They can help you explore questions such as:

What are the roots of the issue? Can they be addressed? Are the family of origin issues at play? Am I being abused? (highly likely if contempt is present) How do I/we move forward to a healthier life?

No one deserves the contempt of a partner. Contempt is completely toxic. If you’re in this situation, PLEASE don’t wait to address it.

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

➤ Respect and Personal Boundaries in ADHD Relationships

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Published on June 08, 2023 09:39

Brené Brown on Boundaries

ADHD & Marriage News - July 19, 2023

Quote of the Week

“The boundaries part is hard as hell. I love how we do boundaries (in our house) – here’s what’s okay; here’s what’s not okay. ‘I love that you are invested in my kids. I’m going to have to ask you not to criticize my parenting.’”

-Brené Brown

Brené Brown on Boundaries

I like Brown’s approach to boundaries…say yes first, then say no. Tell your partner – or your in-laws - you see them and their strengths (“you’re invested in my kids”) but express your values and your choices (“I’m/we’re the parent(s) of my children and wish to be in charge of how they are raised”)

She’s been very precise in what she has asked for; and it is less a critique of the other party than a reflection of her choices. (For example, a more critical way to say this would be “I hate how you are constantly telling us how to raise our kids.”

Are there boundary issues in your household that would benefit from this yes/no approach? How might you phrase your yes to really see the other person and your no to be reflective of your own values rather than a personal critique?

More on this topic:

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

Need support now? The Self-Study Seminar is available to start now / 1 year access / Move at your own pace / Includes materials & recordings from the Spring '23 live seminar.

What's next? You've read The ADHD Effect on Marriage. You've completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. Foundations in Habit Development Group is designed for ADHD partners to help solidify the changes you have started to make and want to firm up. September 20 - November 8, 2023.

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

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Published on June 08, 2023 09:37

The Downside of Research

ADHD & Marriage News - July 12, 2023

Quote of the Week

“(In research studies,) The Primary outcome of efficacy studies is almost always symptom-based, not about functioning. That’s a problem. And efficacy is measured in 8-12 weeks and then done…”

-Scott Kollins, PhD at 2022 CHADD meeting

The Downside of Research

Symptoms lead to symptomatic behaviors, so measuring the impact of a treatment against symptoms is a good place to start. That said, where the rubber hits the road for every adult is in functioning. You can improve focus with a stimulant, for example, but if you don’t apply that focus to helping you perform better in ways that matter to you, does it matter?

In relationships, better functioning is usually about becoming calmer, more reliable, and able to engage with others in a healthier way.

I believe that adults with ADHD need to use efficacy research as a jumping off point, but define and measure their goals against specific target symptoms and improvements. That means using improved focus to be able to coordinate tasks if that’s a huge issue. Or using the power of anti-hypertensives to calm reactivity and then augmenting that progress with ADHD-informed couples therapy to work through the accumulated bad habits you’ve both created (now that you can stay calm while doing this work). Symptoms are a start…but behavior and interactive improvements are the gold standard. Set those together (for couples work) and measure THAT.

Deeper Dive:

➤ More on this topic: ADHD Overview, Diagnosis, Treatment

➤ What's next? You've read The ADHD Effect on Marriage. You've completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. Foundations in Habit Development Group is designed for ADHD partners to help solidify the changes you have started to make and want to firm up. September 20 - November 8, 2023.

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

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Published on June 08, 2023 09:37

This Thing Needs Your Attention

ADHD & Marriage News - July 5, 2023

Quote of the Week

“There are lots of things you promise to do that you don’t follow through on that I don’t mind, it’s fine. You come to bed later, ok.

But there are some things that I really, genuinely do care about that I find disturbing and that really impact my ability to trust you. I want some way to bring those things to your attention. I want you to have some system in place so that when I do bring one of those things to your attention, you can follow through on it.”

-Melissa, in a support group, modeling how to talk to a partner about creating a communication system that helps separate out the ‘must pay attention’ issues from others.

This Thing Needs Your Attention

There are things you might wish your partner would do – such as come to bed with you – that they may not choose to do. That’s their right as a separate individual from you. But there are some things that they may be choosing to do that are genuinely hurtful to you or the relationship (vs. annoying). You know what those things are for you, but some things in that might fit that category:

Be volatile and rage at intervals Regularly get drunk and become mean Stay out overnight without warning Have a habit of lying

You can’t control whether your partner continues to do these things, because you aren’t in charge of their actions. But you do want to make sure that they fully understand the depth of your feelings about their choice, and the potential consequences if they don’t take your feelings into account. If this is a dealbreaker for you, they need to know it.

So…having a way to say ‘this is special…I need your full attention to this particular matter’ is important.

One woman did this by placing her hand upon her husband’s heart to signal “this is coming from my heart.” Another prefaced her words with “What I’m about to say is important at a deep, emotional level for me. I need your full attention to describe my feelings and issues. Please try to stay open as I do.”

What is your way of highlighting a truly important request?

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

Need support now? ➤ REGISTER for the Self-Study Seminar - Available to start now / 1 year access / Move at your own pace / Includes materials & recordings from the Spring '23 live seminar.

If you wish to be notified about future live seminars or Non-ADHD support groups, please add your name to the notification list.

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

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Published on June 08, 2023 09:36

Additional Benefits to Managing ADHD

ADHD & Marriage News - June 28, 2023

Quote of the Week

“The longer the ADHD goes untreated, the higher the likelihood of additional conditions such as anxiety and depression.”

-Russell Barkley

Additional Benefits to Managing ADHD

Dr. Ned Hallowell likes to note that while parents and adults give a good deal of thought to the possible side effects of medication to help manage ADHD, they often don’t consider the side effects of not managing ADHD. And they should. Because the effects of living with unmanaged or undermanaged ADHD are very well researched and documented and can be summed up as ‘difficulties in all areas of one’s life’ by adulthood.

Barkley points out another side effect – the accumulating effect with living with ADHD that lead to high levels of anxiety, depression, addiction and other potentially life-threatening issues.

Getting a diagnosis of ADHD is good news – it puts you on a path known to help better manage ADHD in all of the ways that it impacts you. And, if you have children with ADHD, give them every opportunity to learn the skills they need so that ADHD doesn’t end up running the show. What research suggests so far is that low doses of medication (when appropriate), combined with solid behavioral therapy to learn strategies that help, and parental coaching (to learn how to parent kids with ADHD emotional issues and reward-focused brains) is the best combination.

NEWS and EVENTS:

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

Need support now? ➤ REGISTER for the Self-Study Seminar - Available to start now / 1 year access / Move at your own pace / Includes materials & recordings from the Spring '23 live seminar.

If you wish to be notified about future live seminars or Non-ADHD support groups, please add your name to the notification list.

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

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Published on June 08, 2023 09:35

Grief

ADHD & Marriage News - June 8, 2023

Quote of the Week

“Grief doesn’t go away, it stays the same. But as you heal, it feels smaller because your life expands.”

- a friend

Grief

If you’re struggling in your relationship, there is probably something that you grieve about. For many, it’s ending up in a relationship that does not resemble the one you had hoped to have. For others, it’s grieving a lost connection or feeling lonelier than expected. Or perhaps there is a trauma in your past…

I found this perspective on grief a useful one to reflect upon. It’s quite possible that your relationship will not ever resemble what you had envisioned. This is true of most romantic relationships, whether or not ADHD is on board. Imagination is strong…the reality of daily life can be difficult. So that grief may always be there in some form.

And yet, as you find a way to bring greater connection and joy into your life, you have an opportunity to create a relationship different from the original dream, but also good. Your life, as it expands, demonstrates that your original vision is not the only option.

Acknowledging feelings of grief (often shared by both partners in a struggling relationship) is healthy. Allow them to flow through you rather than resist them. But don’t expect them to disappear. Instead, allow your life to expand and move ahead and over time that grief will no longer hold so much power.

Do you acknowledge your grief?

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ Read more on this topic: Top Tips for Dealing with Grief

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

FREE RESOURCES:

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals.

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

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Published on June 08, 2023 09:35

April 19, 2023

Advice to Dual-ADHD Couple Struggling with Chores

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 04/19/2023. Conflicts Around Household Tasks The question:

“Both my husband and I have ADHD, it is so hard to maintain the house and have fun together and deal with work. I end up being the one who does most of the planning, maintenance of the house and dog, and I also have a demanding job. How do we work to have a more balanced life where I’m not so burnt out all the time and mentally fatigued?”

My suggestions:

Sharing household responsibilities is a source of conflict and strain in most relationships and particularly if both partners have ADHD. In addition, it sounds as if there are gender dynamics at play - many couples find that the woman carries the cognitive load of remembering all that has to be done, as well as does a greater share of the household work.

Saying "if I don't do this it won't get done" is a common refrain in ADHD-impacted relationships, and results in resentment in the partner who is falling into this pattern and over-functioning in the relationship. You are right to ask the question about what to do with it because if you don't interrupt this pattern, you may well feel worse and worse about your life together.

Think of your next step as a task-related 'intervention' made more complicated by the fact that you both have ADHD, and therefore it's not that easy for EITHER one of you to stay organized. BUT…things need to change, and the faster the better. The longer a couple stays in the patterns of ‘over-functioning’ and ‘under-functioning’ the harder those patterns are to break.

The first step is to have a conceptual conversation based not on what your partner is or isn't doing, but on what you yourself need. Approach your partner with something like this "I know it's hard for both of us to stay organized/neat (etc etc) however I am unable to carry as much of the load as I have been doing. I find that I'm overwhelmed, exhausted and becoming resentful. Therefore, we need a different system. I would like to work with you to figure out what that system looks like."

After that I would recommend doing an inventory of who is currently doing what and discuss your options to make things more balanced. A couple of good resources for doing that inventory are John Gottman’s Who Does What inventory or the Chore Score worksheet in the back of my book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage.

As you are going through that inventory, include gentle conversations around why the chore distribution looks as it does. Do you have differing opinions about priorities? Do you have different attitudes about cleanliness or the urgency of tasks? Are some tasks misaligned with the strengths of one or the other partner? How do you set priorities? Is it a matter of gender expectations, or how each person's family of origin regarded tasks? Seek to find understanding that may provide insight into possible approaches.

You do have quite a few options when figuring out how the task distribution dynamics might change in the household. Those options include hiring out some of the tasks (for example, house cleaning or yard work); deleting some of the tasks all together; reassigning who does what task; getting executive function or organizational coaching for one or both of you so you can complete tasks in a more timely or efficient way; putting some tasks off for a long time; getting therapy to understand the emotional or ADHD-based reasons that one partner struggles to stay engaged; having a heart to heart about your feelings about gender bias and tasks to encourage a more even distribution; and more (be creative with your options).

Then...hold your ground. Only do what you have agreed to do. The more you over-function, the worse your relationship becomes (because resentment builds), so it's in your best interests to hold your ground without being mean.

Given that you are going to hold your ground, make sure that you select those tasks for yourself that you genuinely care about in case none of the others actually get done. Because you are only in control of you.

And, you might be interested to hear that research suggests that for those in heterosexual relationships, the path to satisfaction around tasks isn’t an even split. It’s a split in which the female partner feels tasks are ‘well enough’ distributed. Which is a good thing, since so many couples in American culture don't ever get to that even assignments of responsibilities.

If your partner continues to under-perform in the partnership, then make it a larger discussion about parity; your expectation about relationships; what you want in your life etc etc. Again - this is about YOU getting what you want in your life, not about what your partner is or is not doing (which you have no control over). If you do not seek to make yourself heard in a respectful way, you will possibly not resolve the issue enough to feel comfortable. While this process of recreating how the two of you address tasks will take time, it is well worth the effort.

For my part, I hope that you are able to take enough of your tasks off your plate so that you have more time to have fun and connect, thus reinforcing and enhancing your partnership.

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Published on April 19, 2023 09:35

March 29, 2023

Integrity

ADHD & Marriage News - May 31, 2023

Quote of the Week

“Operating with integrity matters. It will matter forever.”

-Michelle Obama

Integrity

Integrity. The word has two definitions:

The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles The state of being whole and undivided

Yes. Exactly! Both.

When I work with couples, one of the things that I find most useful for them is the idea of aligning each partner’s behaviors with their values. Conflict in relationships tends to create values conundrums that we try, often without much success, to navigate. As two examples - how to be respectful or feel respected in a relationship with a partner who tries to control your actions? Or, how to be respectful or feel respected when your partner uses either escape or rage as a regular strategy?

The answer comes in aligning one’s own actions with one’s values. Becoming whole and undivided again. Adhering to one’s own moral principles. As an example, if you value respect, then you know that you must behave respectfully to your partner, regardless of input, and not tolerate disrespect, either. Perhaps you need to politely walk away from an angry partner. Or have a conversation about the importance of constructive input. Perhaps you need to take some deep breaths to calm yourself before speaking. Or write difficult information in an email as you know your partner will need time to process your words.

Integrity isn’t just about honesty. It’s about consistency and moral agency. While you can’t control your partner’s integrity, you can control your own.

Are there ways you could better align your own behavior with your values?

NEWS and EVENTS:

➤ Read more on this topic: A Simple Moral Code

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

FREE RESOURCES: