Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 20
January 1, 2025
Long Time Coming
I cannot say this suddenly happened over night, in fact, it's been coming most of my adult life. It's taken years of therapy and my own self reflection ( and a decent memory ) to pull this all together. I feel at this point in my own self awarenes that I can finally answer many of my own questions due to having a complete picture. It also comes from trying my best to take responsibility for what is mine, and rejecting the parts that aren't ( even when someone else is telling you they are ). I'm not necessarily referring to my current relationship but the ones with my primary caregivers ( my mom and dad )...and the effect of their particular dysfunctions, and the relationship it had on me and my own behavior. I cannot share this without naming a few labels, but for the sake of argument, I have my own opinions about these things. That includes some conclusions I've made whether they are right of wrong. Better, whether they be skewed or not. As a good thing, I have some resolution in finally making this discovery.
I've talked about the abuse I experienced due to my father's issue. They were much more overt and easy to identify. I definitely didn't feel safe and was afraid of him. Very easy to understand and figure out.
My mother, on the other hand, I was not afraid of. By all accounts, was a well meaning, dedicated mom who gave what she had in loving ways. There was no doubt she had my best interest in her conscious thoughts, but there were problems in her subconscious. Someone ( or something) else was driving her car. She was just a back seat driver who had issues with control. If you think about trying to drive a car from the back seat, you can pretty easily see how control would be an issue. I definitely received love, but the water in the love glass was muddy. There was other "stuff " in there, which is where all the problems come from. The water was dirty and unclear. Which meant, even with her best intentions and heart in the right place...what she thought was doing good was actually causing harm.
The term "Helicopter Mom ( parent )" best described her. Actually describes her actions perfectly...she fits this to a tee. And all a person needs to do is google this subject...and you'll find a vast amount of literature to help explain what this is.
What struck me the most, when reading about this "problem" a person like my mom has is: In one way of seeing it, there are a list of benefits to the child, from raising them under this set of behaviors. There's also an equal amount of detriment, in an almost 1 to 1 relationship ....to the child.
The other difficult part in this relationship is: my mom was serving the driver of her car, and getting something from being this way. There were benefits to her, so she couldn't see the damage it was having on me. She was completely unaware ( or oblivious ) because she was getting something in return for her, while taking something away from me. In a healthy exchange, both parties should be getting something...mother and child.
The end result was a form of abuse....unintentional, but still abuse. So in that glass of "Love water" I was getting, I was simultaneously getting a very subtle form of abuse along with it. That's the dirt in the water.
This abuse if much more covert and difficult to see. It's hidden from sight, but it's still there. Much less obvious than the kind I was getting from my dad. My dad just didn't care, and was neglectful. My mom, cared too much and was invasive. I was getting it from both sides and neither were "clean".
This was my example. This was all I knew. Which means, oonce this is an established template, the next time you experience it in other places in other relationships, you don't see the problem because the problem feels normal. But it's not. This imbalance is not normal...between too little, and too much.
And that's exactly what it felt like with my mom. It was way too much as well as feeling "creepy". Like some sticky goo was getting on me and smothering me...which I needed to get away from just to get some air! Which, for a great deal of time growing up...I managed to do that and find some healthy alternatives but not without finding bad ones too.
But all of this, did not go without me taking some of it with me. There's no way you can live in that environment without that happening, which is now my responsibilit to do things about it. You cannot blame your parents....if you yourself are doing some of the same things now.
And the root cause of this issue comes from feeling a lack of control for my mom...and finding unhealthy ways to get her needs met. I, unfortunately, was getting the by product of "her", getting "her" needs met, that was having a detrimental effect on me in the form of a very specific kind or brand of abuse. Which she couldn't see.
I was also thinking about this in terms of my best friend growing up....who I met on my swimming team when I was 6 years old. As it turns out, he pretty clearly has some Narcissistic traits to his personality in some strong ways, however, he's also one of the most generous and kind hearted guys you could also meet. I've called him a "benevolent narc" ...because he has an equal balance of giving and taking...with a tad bit more for himself at all times. But he you can definitely tell, he also has your best interest in mind and is a pretty genuine person. Until it comes to something he wants that is different than what you want, and then it really shows!
But the thing is, what he wants is to have you join him. He want you there, and he cares. He looks out for you, is a team player ( attitude ), is a "share the wealth" kind of person and makes you feel safe. He's a protector in that respect, and feeling safe is not the issue with him. You can trust him, all the way up until it comes time to split the pot faily and evenly. Somehow, he always manages to get his ( needs ) met first, and you get what's left. But just by a little bit....it's petty and annoying but the scale is always slightly one sided. Not terribly, but enough to be noticeable.
But, this benevolent side of him...the level of giving and genuineness, makes up for his selfish side....almost. lol I wouldn't call it abuse, but I would call it annoying and taking advantage. He was my roommate and later, I lived with him, and I was aggravated a lot of the time. And sometimes, I'd get outright angry with him, because his selfish side, would be more blatantly unbalanced. My anger, was directly correspondent to the level of abuse I was experiencing.
The point is, I wasn't able to see where the problem was, because I was use to this from treatmemt at home. What is not normal, felt normal....but I still react to it, in the same way...especially when they weren't willing to take responsibility for their actions ! ( because it hurts ! )
It's all about control and the measures or tactics to gain advantage including: manipulation....by what ever means are necessary or learned from their families.
My best friend was definitely made to feel he was special growing up. He was put on a pedestal and his needs were always met...in spades.
My SO was more on the neglected side..and learned different tactics to gain control to get her needs met.
I had a little of both, but then, was on my own at times because I got away as often as possible, and had to get some needs met away from my family.
My mom was a prisoner, in the dungeon of the Puritanical Dominatrix ( her mom ). She was stuck, isolated, and had no where to go. I'm guessing, she had no where to go but fantasy land...the place inside her head. That's what it seemed like, she had some odd ideas that didn't always match with reality.
I realized, putting this all together, why I get angry with my SO. I get angry, for the same reason that I got angry with my mom ( or dad ). My mom, and my SO....are very much alike and the one thing they both share is issues with control. When my SO uses manipulative tactics ( like my mom )....it makes me really angry !! This is a huge trigger...and rightfully so.
I get angry when I start feeling like I'm being abused ( or taken advantag of ) or controlled. And certain triggers ( certain tactics ) really set me off especially: belittling, dismissing my feelings and devaluing ( tactics ). That and gaslighting.
I was getting it from both sides with my parents in their own particular way. The difference as I see it now is:
My dad just didn't care. He was ungiving and could care less, until it effected him negatively....and then he cared a whole lot!
My mom, my best friend, and my SO...care a great deal at times and are very giving in some ways...and very selfish in others with a wee bit more...tipping the scales in their favor for their own reasons which usually are/were....getting control of getting their needs met in some way.
Caring or not caring ..that's the difference. My dad could be intolerable, a tyrant and an asshole. I was afraid of him, never felt bonded because he could be really scary. With him, "respect" was the currency of exchange...and fear was the weapon he used to control you.
With my mom, my best friend and my SO....I wouldn't describe them that way at all except when it comes to trust. When it comes to trust....if it starts feeling abusive in a particular "type of" manipulation...I start to get angry. I've experienced it most of my life and I know it by how it feels. Fear is still involved, but the currency is less clear.
More, just getting you to do things, that you don't always feel like doing ( or not exactly how or when you'd be doing it )...and add ons are common ( more tasks ) but doing it in a serapticious way, where they make you believe they're doing, or will do ( something) for you, for some vague payoff down the road at some vague undisclosed time later on, by dangling a carrot in front of you...but could change from the original agreement, depending on " what I feel like" at the time
Which in end, may or may not actually happen...depending on their approval. It's a conditional, transactional kind of thing, done with a wink and a handshake...and there's no consequences for breaking or changing the deal. It's a power play, just to see if it works, to get you to do something depending on their will.
My employer does this habitually. In that context, it's much easier to see and it really doesn't work. When the carrot is so far away ( like two football fields ) and it's not clearly defined or even obtainable ....there is no motivation to "work harder" when there's nothing there ( no reward ) at the end.
Like saying: I'll give you a whole dollar, if you run a 4 minute mile....and stop at the store while your at it, and pick me up a coke.
While at the same time, trying to convince you that running is good for your health.
This is exactly what my best friend would do. Trying to convince you, it'll be good for "you" to go get him a coke. Its so annoying...and so totally obvious!!
But what really makes me lose it, is when I call ( a person ) out on this kind of manipulation, especially when I recognize it, and try to tell them it hurts. And instead of stopping or copping to it, they keep on doing it, and start accusing you of being selfish...and invalidating your feelings or decision not to...by trying to make you feel guilty in some way. This is the one thing, that infuriates me more than anything. Having my feelings invalidated...when I try and tell them to stop. That makes me feel unsafe ...and not being able to trust. It's the one thing I couldn't trust in my mom, that she could actually see what she was doing to hurt me, even with her best intentions of trying to help. At least, my best friend would cop to it and just laugh. But it didn't stop him from trying again later. That just became aggravating after a while.
With my mom, it helped me in some ways, and hurt me in others. As I see it, trying to drive the car from the back seat means she had no control.....so she tried to get it in others ways to over compensate... which made her even more over controlling, and invasive.
And like my mom, my best friend and my SO.....none of them are bad people or doing it with malicious intent. It still hurts, its still annoying, but it mostly causes you not to trust them. The methods change depending on, but the end result is the same. It's a dishonest way of trying to get your needs met, but at the same time, if you aren't getting them met some how, you're left finding other ways to get them. It's a vicious circle, unless you take responsibility.
Taking responsibility for what's mine means.....not blowing a fuse and overreacting when I get angry from being manipulated. What's not my responsibility, is what I just said unless I'm doing these same things myself. If I'm doing somethin I'm not seeing....I need to find it, and take care of it myself. If any of that "goo" got on me, I need to address it and not blame my SO for what is not hers.
That's how it works.... and Bob's your uncle.
J
December 30, 2024
7 Steps for Addressing Non-ADHD Partner Burnout
A good self-care routine is essential to make it through the hurdles and chaotic life that ADHD throws our way. What would self-care look like in that chaos?
We all know the obvious practices of self-care, like taking a bath, going for an energizing run, getting a manicure, or going for a massage. But what about the kind of self-care that is simple yet goes deeper and builds the foundation of our well-being? When your relationship is affected by ADHD, self-care has to be a constant practice in your daily routine to be able to navigate daily life with calm as well as weather the more difficult times. It helps us to build a layer of resilience.
These seven pillars of true self-care are foundational to lifelong well-being and the joyful life you deserve.
Get good sleep and rest. Without sleep, things easily spiral out of control; we procrastinate; reach for sugar; drop our exercise commitments; and easily disconnect from other forms of self-care. Leave yourself time to unwind at night, go to bed on time, and build rest into your schedule. Many people with ADHD suffer with sleeping issues, so establishing a positive sleep routine can have a positive effect on both partners. Nourish and move your body. Making sure you eat balanced and healthy foods while drinking a lot of water or herbal tea will keep your body hydrated. Exercise is an important way to keep the body strong; improve emotional stability; help with sleep problems; and set those endorphins free, amongst many other benefits. Spend time in nature. Going to a level deeper, being in nature is a great way to ground yourself, slow down, and find peace of mind. Going for walks, sitting by the water, feeling the grass under your feet, or doing some gardening with your hands are all wonderful ways of reconnecting with nature, reducing stress and grounding mind and body. Especially when our nervous systems are stretched to the maximum with every day (ADHD) stresses. Set boundaries. Setting boundaries can be one of the most satisfying and effective self-care tools. Saying “no” when we feel spread too thin or don’t feel right saying “yes” protects our time, energy and well-being in a powerful way. For example, you might need to say “no” to providing long-term care for a relative and instead arrange for external help. Or you might begin turning down invitations to events with people who drain you. Why not set clear priorities for how you spend your time, and invest your energy in the people and surroundings that encourage you to be your highest self? Setting boundaries also refers to ‘inner boundaries’ that we have to keep ourselves. For example not allowing ourselves to move into a ‘parental role’ with our ADHD partner. Connect with others. Human connection is a universal, deep need for all of us. So much so that Dr. Ned Hallowell calls connection "the other Vitamin C." Nurturing healthy relationships that make us feel warm and comfortable is important. Whether you go for walks together, invite a friend over for a meal, call somebody ‘just because’, stop to have a brief talk with that nice neighbor, or take time for a deep conversation with a friend, those connections leave us nourished in our souls and give us food for thought that will help us grow. When connecting with our ADHD partners it is important to look for ‘now - not now’ moments so our ADHD spouse is able to receive connection. And if you have a partner who has trouble reaching out with intention, don't let resentment or other negative feelings keep you from spontaneously connecting with joy when an 'in the now' moment happens to show up. Journal to process emotions. Journaling is an incredibly effective way to find out more about your inner thoughts, feelings and needs. It can also help you to organize and process your thoughts and emotions so you can live with more balance, peace, and emotional regulation. It can also help with venting frustrations to our journal in a safe space and outlet for the emotions instead of putting them to our partners unprocessed and unfiltered. Keeping a gratitude journal is another wonderful tool for creating and maintaining a positive mindset. This is easy to do – just finish the sentence “I am grateful for…” three times, and write down your ideas. Create time for stillness and stress management. To round out self-care, it is important to create time to support slowing down to create inner peace and keep stress at bay. This can be achieved through meditation and micro-moments of grounding in our daily routines. Closing your eyes and taking some deep breaths can be done anywhere. When your life in your ADHD-affected household is demanding, you are stressed running errands, or you feel overwhelmed taking care of your family, taking a minute or two to be still and feel the ground underneath your feet can help reset your nervous system. Blocking off some time before your day begins to meditate or do yoga gives you a regular time slot of self-care.And, finally, don’t forget to give yourself grace! ADHD can be tough for those suffering with its effects but also for those closest to them. Self-care is extremely important in order to bring your best self to your relationship. Making space to take care of yourself, signing up for a non-ADHD support group or working with a non-ADHD partner coach can help you identify where you struggle with your self-care and find ways to improve the practice of it in your daily life. You can use these ideas to be your best self to navigate the hurdles that can occur within your life.
Anneke Volz is a consultant with ADHD & Marriage Consulting who specializes in helping non-ADHD partners learn to thrive in their relationships even as they also deal with life’s ups and downs. When not working with ADHDmarriage.com, she runs a consulting practice out of Munich, Germany, that utilizes the Adult Chair methodology.
Tags: sleep, stress, connection, self careCharacter
Quote of the Week
"Reputation is what men and women think of us; character is what God and angels know of us."
- American revolutionary, Thomas Paine
Character“Regardless of what a person says, character is ultimately laid bare in his or her actions.” Ret. General Stanley McChrystal
If you have ADHD, do you tell your partner you’re sorry about something that went sideways yet again and get a lukewarm response? Or perhaps an ‘I’m so tired of hearing your sorry – I want you to not do that again!’
Having ADHD can interfere with doing all that you would like to do. Symptoms such as distraction, impulsivity, trouble planning, time management issues and more can get in the way. And yet, in your relationship, your actions matter. ADHD symptoms cannot be an excuse to let things remain sub-par.
What to do? First of all, you can lean into your character. You have strengths and (I hope) morals that are part of why you and your partner are together. I hope that part of that is a desire to do as well as you can. That could mean doing more of what you do really well (for example, enjoying your kids and creating joy). You can take the steps known to optimize your management of your ADHD – thus demonstrating to your partner and family that you take seriously your need to do your best. I hear over and over again from non-ADHD partners that they care less about absolute results than they do that a partner is genuinely engaged with managing their ADHD to the best of their ability.
You might decide that you do not wish to be a person who accelerates into anger easily and therefore hurts others in his family. The actions that would matter there? Working with a doctor or counselor to get at the root causes of your anger (perhaps medications for physiological anger or therapy for anger that has roots in trauma…)
Your actions don’t have to include perfection…but within the context of your relationship, engagement with managing ADHD is a demonstration of character that really counts.
As we bid farewell to 2024, make sure to give yourself a pat on the back for any progress either of you has made. What might be some positive next steps you would like to set as goals?
I would love to hear your thoughts and personal goals.
Warmly,
Melissa
REGISTRATION NOW OPEN, Details below:
The ADHD Effect Couples Seminar
Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups
Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (registration open, starts January 22, 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultant Ashley Paradise help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. This 9-session ZOOM seminar is on Wednesdays, Jan. 22 - March 19, 2025, from 7:30-9:15pm Eastern Time. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open, 5 of the 11 sessions are full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - (registration open, ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar.
Couples support group - (registration open, starts January 21, 2025). Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (LAUNCHING Feb 17, 2025) Learn to create lasting change as you turn your intentions and knowledge into concrete action. You’ll get specific ADHD management tools, real-time expert support for your relationship, and a connected, like-minded online community to help you out. Register for our free, live (by Zoom) information session. January 14, 2025, 7:30 PM - 8:30 PM (America/New York)
FREE RESOURCES:
Live (by Zoom) Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program information session. January 14, 2025, 7:30 PM - 8:30 PM (America/New York)
Weekly email Marriage Tips newsletters;
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2024 Melissa Orlov
December 19, 2024
Betrayal
Quote of the Week
"Intimate betrayal most often occurs when partners violate their deeper values to gain a temporary sense of empowerment."
- Steven Stosny
BetrayalAri Tuckman’s survey of ‘mixed’ ADHD relationships suggests there are a lot of affairs in ADHD-impacted relationships. I’m not surprised by this. While some people are just serial non-monogamists or thrill seekers, many of the affairs I see in my work have to do with power-imbalances and that is just really, really common in couples impacted by ADHD.
For ADHD partners, affairs can be related to falling into the low-status ‘child’ roll in parent-child dynamics. An affair partner provides feelings of importance and appreciation again. For non-ADHD partners, having a chronically distracted partner can lead to feeling unloved or unlovable. In this case, the empowerment comes from learning that you are still desirable.
Don’t mistake me here – I’m not blaming the other partner for your choice to have an affair. There are other ways to feel empowered again (for example, counseling or developing a sense of purpose outside the relationship.) I am simply elaborating upon Stosny’s theme with ADHD-specific examples.
To consider: If you are feeling disempowered in your relationship it’s time to seek help. Look to yourself, rather than others, to find your power again. I know you can do it!
REGISTRATION NOW OPEN, Details below:
Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups
The ADHD Effect Couples Seminar
Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (registration open, starts January 22, 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultant Ashley Paradise help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. This 9-session ZOOM seminar is on Wednesdays, Jan. 22 - March 19, 2025, from 7:30-9:15pm Eastern Time. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open, 4 of the 10 sessions are full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - (registration open, ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar.
Couples support group - (registration open, starts January 21, 2025). Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
Intent to Action Membership Program - (starts Feb 17, 2025) To inspire and help you both sustain attention for the long term on the parts of your relationship that you both feel is most important to you. The first 100 memberships will cost only $124 per couple (or individual, if you wish to do it alone) per month. Sign up to get an email reminder about registration for in early January.
FREE RESOURCES:
Weekly email Marriage Tips newsletters;
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2024 Melissa Orlov
December 15, 2024
Gamify Date Night to Improve Eagerness to Engage
Date night!
We all love the concept. But I hear many complaints from non-ADHD partners that they are tired of being in charge of date night. Their ADHD partner 'never seems to get around to planning any.' I get the disappointment, though I also push back sometimes and suggest that those with the executive functioning skillset might be well-suited to doing that planning if they don't take the lack of involvement from the ADHD personally.
However, here is another approach that might get a bit more attention from ADHD partners - Alphabet Date Night. I ran into this concept online and loved it immediately because it's so FUN! It also hits on two ADHD motivational strengths - gamification and 'new'.
The idea is that you cycle through the alphabet selecting dates that start with different letters of the alphabet to keep things fresh. Only use any given letter once in a 26-date cycle. Some examples:
A
apple picking alpacas (at the zoo) aquarium art exhibitB
basketball game basket exhibit boating/boats biking beachC
car show cycling cat bar (where you have lunch with cats - yes, it's a thing) cooking (together; take a class; go to a cooking shop and pick out one thing for your kitchen) comedy (movie; club; take an improv class together)You get the idea. You can look up lists of alphabet dates online...or you can have the fun of making your own. Post it online in a joint document or on a bulletin board somewhere in your house and add to it as you think of new ideas.
So much fun!
Tags: date night, alphabet date nightDecember 9, 2024
Sustaining Progress
Quote of the Week
"We seem to go in stages. Things are great for a while, then it seems my partner, and perhaps me a little, lose focus and things start to slide. I don’t want to parent or be the mean person, so I wait and hold my breath, hoping things get better again, but it often doesn’t turn out so well. Not sure how to address this. I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t."
- Non-ADHD partner
Sustaining ProgressI don’t normally use these tips to talk about a new program, but this week I’m doing so, because so many of you face this specific issue…
Sustaining progress when one or both of you has ADHD is really HARD! The symptoms remain and need constant vigilance…changes in your life together – even a vacation – can change the patterns in a way that makes it hard to get back on track. Or other things just seem to start taking more importance again. Old habits of interactions or behavior just creep back in.
This is an issue I’ve seen play out over and over again and it can result in feeling hopeless. The ups and downs of effort can engulf couples even as they really love each other. Continuing your relationship improvement takes sustained attention – something that those with ADHD, and their exhausted partners, find particularly difficult.
I finally have enough people on my team to start a program I’ve wanted to do for years to address this very issue (yay!!) We’re calling it the Intent to Action Membership Program. In it we hope to inspire and help you both sustain attention for the long term on the parts of your relationship that you both feel is most important to you. The program uses a multi-pronged approach tailored to different styles and motivational patterns:
An always-available, expert-moderated private community for assistance with your efforts, accountability, and to cheer each other on Weekly emails with ideas, tips and specific action steps Lots of live (by Zoom) office hours with top experts so you can get advice about your particular situation and what you are working on Regular topic-based talks about how specific action steps might help you, and how to implement them Weekly ‘do that boring thing’ body doubling sessions… ‘What’s that tool?’ introductions to specific products and tools that can help you And more!The program starts Feb 17, 2025. The first 100 memberships will cost only $124 per couple (or individual, if you wish to do it alone) per month.
We wanted to make it affordable, even though we’re offering a lot of support.
If you wish to learn more or have questions about this program we have a free Zoom-based, live information session at 7:30pm eastern on Wednesday, December 11th. Program Director, Rachel Ban and I will be there to tell you more and chat with you.
Sign up for the Dec 11th information session.
We hope you continue to learn all you can about how ADHD and responses to ADHD impact both of you…AND… we are ready to be your partners in helping you create the change you’re longing to create.
With warm holiday wishes to all,
Melissa Orlov
REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN:
Non-ADHD partner support groups - Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
The ADHD Effect Couples Seminar - Melissa and senior consultant Ashley Paradise help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. This 9-week ZOOM seminar is on Wednesdays, Jan. 22 - March 19, 2025, from 7:30-9:15pm Eastern Time.
Couples support group - Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics. 7 consecutive Tuesdays, starting on January 21, 2025.
Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. (registration open, starts January 25, 2025). The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open, 4 of the 10 sessions are full) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - (Full) Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - (registration open, ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar.
Couples support group - (registration open, starts January 21, 2025). Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. 5 couples, 90 minutes, seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
FREE RESOURCES:
Free live information session at 7:30pm eastern on Wednesday, December 11th. Learn more about the Intent to Action Membership Program with Director Rachel Ban and Melissa;
Weekly email Marriage Tips newsletters;
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2024 Melissa Orlov
December 5, 2024
Problems
Quote of the Week
"A lot of people will put the problem on the individual when the problem is the problem."
- Tom Murray, sex & relationship therapist
Problems
One of the ongoing bits of humor in the couples counseling world is that practically every client comes to couples work with one wish – ‘please fix my partner.’ This personification of the couple’s issues inhibits progress and can breed resentment and defiance (not to mention the pain of feeling unappreciated.)
No one can ‘fix’ another person (one can only fix oneself) and in relationship struggles it is almost universal that both partners have work to do. Fixing your own attitude and recognizing you, too, have something to learn is the first step to making relationship progress. Which doesn’t mean that your partner is squeaky clean. You BOTH have work to do!
Sometimes, it also helps to recognize that some problems are just problems, not a reflection of anyone’s shortcomings. How do you fairly distribute tasks given each partner’s strengths and weaknesses? How to remain flexible towards dissenting opinions when you’re tired? How do you find your way from point A to point B?
The good news here is that it is easier to work together if you’re addressing a broader problem rather than an individual failing.
To consider: Is there an opportunity to stop personalizing some of your issues and start recognizing that sometimes ‘the problem is the problem?’
REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN:
Non-ADHD partner support groups - Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
The ADHD Effect Couples Seminar - Live Winter 2025 is now open! Melissa and senior consultant, Ashley Paradise, help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. This 9-week ZOOM seminar is on Wednesdays, Jan. 22 - March 19, 2025, from 7:30-9:15pm Eastern Time.
Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. (The next live seminar starts January 2025). The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar
Non ADHD Partner Support Group (registration open) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. (REGISTRATION IS OPEN). We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar
FREE RESOURCES:
Weekly email Marriage Tips newsletters;
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2024 Melissa Orlov
November 30, 2024
8 Ways to Have ADHD-Friendly Conversations
Typical styles of communication may not be as effective when one of you has ADHD. Couples often say that conversations get derailed too easily, a conversation unexpectedly turns into an argument, or that neither partner ends the conversation feeling heard or understood. Here’s some strategies that may help you communicate in a more ADHD-friendly way:
Stick to one idea at a timePartners with ADHD often struggle to follow conversations that jump between multiple topics, so it can be really helpful to stick to just one key idea per conversation. Consider keeping a pen and paper within reach so additional thoughts can be written down to be revisited later. Paper might be better than using a phone or computer to jot down ideas, because the device could become a source of distraction.
Use short, clear sentencesLong, complex sentences can be hard for someone with ADHD to focus on. By the time you get to the end, the first part of the sentence may already be lost. Keeping sentences short and to the point can help with retaining the information and preventing overwhelm.
Choose the right contextSimilar conversations with your ADHD partner may go completely differently depending on their context and moment in time. Factors that make a difference could be internal: how many hours of sleep they had the night before; whether or not they exercised recently; or how recently they took ADHD meds. Internal factors could also include emotional or relational aspects such as feeling shame, defensiveness or resentment.
External factors can also impact how well a conversation goes. Distractions such as the tv, phones, computers, noise levels or competing conversations can all make a difference in someone’s attention. There could also be distracting things to look at if the environment is constantly changing, such as during a car journey. If you are the partner with ADHD, let your partner know what internal and external factors impact you the most, so that you can plan the optimal time to have important conversations.
Listen and talk in opposite waysThere are key differences in style between non-ADHD storytelling and ADHD storytelling. Non-ADHD people tend to go in a linear fashion from the start to the middle to the end of the story, whereas people with ADHD often take the scenic route, picking up other ideas along the way, adding too many details or losing their train of thought. It can be helpful if the non-ADHD partner can lean into this process, trusting that the ADHD partner will get to the end of the story in their own way.
Conversely when it is the ADHD partner trying to listen, a nonlinear style of storytelling will often be too overwhelming or distracting for them to listen to. Getting to the point as quickly and directly as possible can help maximize understanding and retention of what was said.
Sometimes text is bestWhen information is provided verbally, the information may be more easily be forgotten. For example, telling your partner what needs to be picked up at the grocery may not be enough. A text message, sticky note or other visual aid can provide an easily findable reminder at the right time. Shared, computerized lists such as can be made on an app or with a virtual assistant can also be helpful as they are easy to locate on one’s phone at the time one is shopping.
And, when it comes to grocery shopping specifically, a shorter list is usually better, because long lists can easily become overwhelming and counterproductive. A person with ADHD may prefer several shorter trips to the store for a few items, rather than trying to remember everything on a longer list. If you have ADHD, it may be helpful to let your partner know what visual aid works best and how many items feel manageable to you on a grocery list or to-do list.
Avoid multi-pronged questionsAsking multi-part questions or stringing together multiple requests can be overwhelming. Instead, ask one question at a time and wait for a response before introducing another idea. This will help your partner focus and respond with more clarity.
Give your partner time to processADHD brains process information differently, so it may take longer for a person with ADHD to formulate a response, especially in emotionally charged conversations. After expressing an idea or asking a question, pause and give your partner extra time to gather their thoughts before responding. Try to avoid interrupting or filling the silence.
Double check before reactingMany people with ADHD describe being judged for having used a word or phrase that doesn’t quite capture what they intended to say. Often this is because either they couldn’t find the right word in the moment, or because they blurted something out that they didn’t intend to say out loud at all. If you hear something from your ADHD partner that sounds a little off, it can be really helpful to pause and clarify. Give them a chance to regroup and say it differently, if that’s what they need, rather than holding them to the words they said initially.
Figuring out ADHD-friendly conversations as a couple requires time, practice, and definitely some trial and error. But once you find the communication style that works, it can really help you both to sidestep needless conflicts and enjoy better communication and deeper connection.
Jen Siladi is a consultant with ADHD & Marriage Consulting who works with couples, individuals and families. Subspecialties include emotionally focused and attachment-based counseling, high-conflict couples and those who have struggled to recover from affairs. When not consulting with our group, she has her own practice in California.
Tags: conversation
How to Minimize Your Inner Critic
An inner critic is an inner voice that expresses disapproval, criticism, and judgment of our actions. We all have an inner critic. An inner critic is developed in childhood and is shaped by the way we are spoken to. Whether it’s loving, angry, encouraging or critical, whatever our parents, caregivers, teachers, or peers say to us gets imprinted in our mind. Basically, the inner critic is an internal voice that tells us we are not enough. Although the inner critic may come across as harsh or mean, she/he is really there to protect us and has good intentions. An inner critic can also be the reason why we sometimes get stuck and also why we self-judge.
When an inner critic shows up here are 2 tips to minimize the negative impact:
Notice when the inner critic shows up and know that this is the negative voice in your mind, but not who you are. Ask yourself what’s true and not true? And speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend instead.Let’s walk through a possible scenario:
Your spouse tells you to pick up milk on the way home and you forget as you are on the phone catching up with a friend. You walk in the door and your spouse rolls their eyes and says “Did you forget the milk, again?” You immediately get defensive, but deep down you are shameful and embarrassed (a feeling you are way too familiar with). And so you start your inner critic dialogue “What’s wrong with me, how could I be so forgetful. I am such an idiot.”
Notice the inner critic dialogue. “What’s wrong with me, how could I be so forgetful. I am such an idiot.” But stop it here. Acknowledge that this is your inner critic, and gently tell it to move aside.
What's true and not true? It is true that you forgot the milk, but that clearly doesn’t classify you as a forgetful idiot. Now speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend. “You are an adult with new skills to manage your forgetfulness. What made you forget to use them this time?”
See the difference? One scenario has your spiraling downward, while the other is curious and compassionate. Catch the inner critic enough times and you will begin to move to step 2 more easily, minimizing the negative impact to you. Wouldn’t you prefer to live in a more compassionate and curious world?
Anna Cuneo is a consultant with the ADHD & Marriage Consulting group. Anna's coaching background allows her to effectively help individuals with ADHD who need executive function skill building and/or stress and anxiety reduction. Her greatest gift to herself has been learning how to minimize her own inner critic.
Tags: inner critic, ADHD adults, forgetfulnessNovember 13, 2024
The Right Time?
Quote of the Week
“There is no right time. Only time and how you spend it.”
-Maia Poetry
The Right Time?
I love this thought-provoking idea. In the world of ADHD, I would add another idea – your life is the sum total of where you aim your attention. Aka, how you spend your time.
It has become easier and easier to spend our time on entertainment and low-value activities – think Instagram reels; group text alerts; news pundits predicting the future…the vast majority of what we now do on our phones.
The sum total of all of those minutes, is your life. You can engage with your partner…go on a date, talk about your dogs, play with your kids…or you can...disappear into your phone. Entertainment seems benign, while actually, it steals your time, your attention, and your relationships.
I’m not anti – phone. I’m anti – mindless, addictive, pointing away from one’s partner and family. Connection is critical to your own (and your family’s) well being.
Forget about the ‘right time.’ There is only time.
Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. (The next live seminar starts January 2025). The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. (REGISTRATION IS OPEN). We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar
FREE RESOURCES:
Marriage Tips weekly newsletter and notification of future seminar and groups
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
© 2024 Melissa Orlov
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