Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 17
February 5, 2025
Acceptance Frees You
"…Acceptance is fundamentally different than the idea of passive resignation. The latter involves giving up trying to change something but continuing to feel victimized by it, as might be experienced by both partners before they really understand the nature of ADHD. By contrast, acceptance is the process of distinguishing between what can or should be changed and what cannot or should not be changed…Getting a diagnosis of ADHD not only allows the couple to make certain helpful changes, but helps them make better-informed choices about what is likely to change and what is unlikely to change. Knowing what to accept liberates them from fruitless and disheartening battles so that they can focus on each other’s positive qualities…and the rewarding parts of the relationship."
- Ari Tuckman, PhD.
Acceptance Frees YouDr. Ned Hallowell calls a diagnosis of ADHD ‘good news.’ Once you know that ADHD is part of your relationship you can learn how to manage it better, and also how to interpret what is actually happening between you. It makes sense to learn as much as you can, and my books and couples seminar can help with this.
After knowledge comes acceptance. As Tuckman points out, this doesn’t have to mean ‘passive resignation,’ though some people choose that route. ADHD is one of the most manageable mental health issues there is – but it takes engagement and drive on the part of the person with ADHD to make progress. There are MANY different ways to address the specific symptoms you or your partner might have. I urge you to set target symptoms to provide direction, then try out those tactics that fit with your strengths and needs. It’s about constantly learning and replacing unfortunate coping strategies with solid ones that help you live as you wish.
Research supports that medication and behavioral work combined can help adults make very significant improvements in their lives. I observe that counseling for trauma is also often needed (and shown to work, as well.)
Please – take your diagnosis as good news, engage with managing your ADHD, and then focus on your – or your partner’s - positive qualities.
UPCOMING EVENTS:
February 11, 2025 7:30 PM - 8:30 PM EASTERN TIME - free, live (by Zoom) Information Session - Learn how and why the Intent to Action (I2A) program can help you take action, transform your relationship, and sustain the change. Ask Melissa and Rachel your questions.
Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
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ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts in March, and registration will open Feb 15). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.
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Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (registration open, ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the seminar.
Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
FREE RESOURCES:
Live (by Zoom) Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program information session. February 11, 2025, 7:30 PM - 8:30 PM (America/New York)
Weekly email Marriage Tips newsletters;
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
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A large number of blog posts on various topics;
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ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
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© 2025 Melissa Orlov
Narcissist Parents
When one, or both, of your parents have Narcissist tendencies, a child has little choice but to endure the abuse. You are a victim, in the truest sense of the word.
As an adult, you can always leave your situation. You do not have to stay and tolerate abuse, it is your choice....you are not a victim, in the truest sense of the word.
My SO, and I, have both been subjected to Narcissist parents. We both have developed strategies and behaviors that have reflect our means to survive our individual experiences as a response. I have my own "way" of doing things, and she has hers.
Here's something I've thought about recently, that I've only shared with a very few people. This is on my short list of "really bad" acting out as a kid growing up. This is definitely something if I'd been caught, would have probably changed the course of my life in a number of ways.
It serves me now as an example, of how I responded ( then ) to having my boundaries trampled on, with no recourse or means to stop it from happening. And it happened ongoing of course.
My go to response was to break things. It was a form of protest you might say. I never lashed out and attacked "people"...but I did take it out on inanimate objects. That's always been my go to response. Protest.
When I was getting close to about 11 or 12.....definitely Jr High School age, I started vandalizing "things". I became a vandal you might say. I woukd destroy public and private property just for fun. Not all the time, but on occasion, to release my anger from being abused. There were times it was pretty bad however. Bad enough ( the damage ) it was probably pretty expensive for my victims to pay for. I did get caught once, accidentally broke a window I wasnt intending to ( but I threw the rock ), and spent a summer paying for it out of my own pocket. ( being a golf caddy for $5 a round ).
That really didn't make me stop, I just thought twice about getting caught. I just made sure I didn't get caught again.
The point being, this was in response to being abused. It was passive aggressive and directed at the wrong place. What I was really doing was protesting being abused, but I couldn't aim that anger, back at the source because I had no means to develope boundaries there.
This morning, my SO started criticizing me over something really dumb. ( minutia ). This had to do with one of her many boundaries that dealt with her sensory issues and water stains from setting cups down that ( might ) be wet on the bottom. It's such a completely ridiculous thing to start a fight about, and I already know what will happen if I try to "talk" about it, with her need to criticize and complain about something, that seemingly, only bothers her.
The issue is....her need to criticize and complain. I'm assuming, it was her only way to be heard in a household with 6 sisters and brother. Being the youngest, the squeaky wheel got the oil. Vocally being so obnoxious ( possibly ) was a way to get her mom's attention. I'm guessing, this developed into a pattern to get her needs met especially with an ( alchoholic ) Narcissist mom who paid no attention to her.
And my go to pattern is to protest....by breaking things.
This morning, being in that same position, I protested in a different way. I simply left the room, in a calm collected manner. I didn't get angry or break anything. I just walked away. To be sure, it wasn't the silent treatment. When my SO came in the room, she asked if I was upset. I told her calmly : "I don't like it when you criticize me...so I left"
She actually apologized, I then continued to talk to her, as if nothing happened. There was no punishment involved. I made my silent protest, then continued on with the morning.
We both felt heard I think. I had already addressed the cup issue before the complaining and criticizing began so there was nothing else to say. We reconnected without a hitch....and this served to say exactly what I needed to say....without saying anything.....until I was asked.
My method was the same...I just did it differently. That's the point.
February 2, 2025
Book - too good to leave, too bad to stay
Anyone here read this book? It's been recommended but im finding it hard to get through, not sure if it's good to for people like a non-Adhd spouse.
Autism & ADHD
So it's looking like our 11 year old might have autism and NOT ADHD like we previously suspected. They are awaiting reports from us soon and to be honest, I'm kinda shocked. Although when I have prolonged engagement with my husband, it's not that shocking as much because I long suspected my spouse might be AuADHD (not sure that's how u type it).
Not looking for skeptical diagnosis but just seeing if anyone else in the same boat?? I have NO CLUE what next step to begin with.
My kid triggers my husband, my husband is not a functional human being.
January 30, 2025
Shame
For a while now the thought of shame has come up.
It seems to me life with an ADD partner has been shaped to a great extent by shame. My ex avoiding everything that was out of his reach made the world small for us. It was embarrassing. Even though I didn’t realize it at the time, it was the reason socializing with others was so awkward.
Shame lingers with me now. At work, for ten years I’ve been restricted by the ADD load at home, the worry. I know I’ve been strong given the circumstances. But nobody at work has ever met me before the marriage subdued me, and it feels like it’s made me an unimportant person. I feel particularly shamed about this since at the same time I’ve worked extremely hard and also done continued education in my field.
It’s like the social circles that have been lost. How does one explain to people one stopped seeing them not because of them, but because one was ashamed of one’s husband’s dysfunction, but wasn’t even consciously aware of it at the time?
Really, this is standing in the way when I’m trying to make a new life after divorce. How does one reinvent oneself after more than a decade of ADD shame?
Perhaps it’s time to get another job, and some new friends.
January 29, 2025
Anger post break up
Hello; My fiance and I have gone our separate ways. I am harboring so much anger because of the past 8 years together, engaged for almost 3 years. We called our wedding off 3 months before the wedding as my fiance was just diagnosed ADHD and possibly bipolar. We both agreed that seeking help for his health superceded a wedding.
The issue between us is his house. We do not live together but his house is an unfinished renovation project and it is a mess. I've done some ADHD research and I understand that with grandiose undertakings comes a ton of responsibilities which can fall to the wayside. I think we have ended up in a codependent relationship where he puts my needs before his needs and vice versa. His needs of getting organized to complete his house have continually been neglected and I find that his house holds so much power over our relationship. His house has been like this even before I met him so there have been a decade or more of missed opportunities to take steps to finish.
I guess I'm angry because I feel cheated of all the hopes and dreams and goals we had talked about and angry because of the power that this neurological disorder as well as his house has over our relationship. My fiance is on medication but he is still struggling to finish his house. And I feel so guilty as in should I have hung on to the hope that he would finish his house so we could have then moved forward with rebooting our wedding and all the other plans and dreams we had. I am so crushed and I feel like there has been a death.
Grief and ADHD - It's Different
When those with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) meet grief, there can be differences in their experience of grief compared to those who are neurotypical. ADHD primarily affects the executive function areas of the brain. The executive function parts of the brain are responsible for planning, organizing, and regulating emotions and behavior which can lead to difficulties in maintaining attention, experiencing hyperactivity, and dealing with impulsivity. It is important to remember that ADHD can look very different from person to person depending on the characteristics of their particular symptoms and experiences (1).
“Normal” grief can last 6 months to 2 years in the acute phase but really lasts a lifetime – we just learn to integrate it into our lives. The experience of grief can be different for each individual and even within the individual for different circumstances (1).
ADHD and griefFor those with ADHD, grief may last longer, and processing grief may be more difficult than for those without ADHD. Here are a few statistics:
60% of adults with ADHD experience chronic feelings of grief or sadness Individuals with ADHD are 2-3 times more likely to experience complicated grief (a prolonged and intense form of mourning that persists beyond the typical grieving period, often accompanied by difficulty moving on and functional impairment in daily life) ADHD significantly increases the risk of developing unresolved grief People with ADHD are more prone to experiencing prolonged periods of mourning ADHD symptoms can make it harder to process and express grief, leading to increased emotional distress ADHD individuals may experience prolonged and intensified grief symptoms The prevalence of ADHD among individuals experiencing grief is estimated to be around 20-30% (2) Why can grief be harder for those with ADHD?The experience of grief can be more complex in those with ADHD in the following ways:
Amplified feelings: Feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, and despair can be amplified because of the emotional dysregulation experienced by those with ADHD. There may be emotional outbursts or emotional shutdown because of the impulsivity associated with ADHD.(2) This can lead to difficulty in processing and managing emotions effectively and may interfere with the course of an individual’s grief.(1) They may have increased anxiety because the emotions associated with grief can be overwhelming. (2)
Staying organized during periods of grief: People with ADHD may have problems with being organized and focused on important tasks because of the executive function difficulties associated with ADHD. This can be especially challenging when dealing with the added emotional weight of loss and grief. (1) Simple activities like making funeral arrangements, preparing meals, paying bills, or handling personal belongings may become overwhelming or forgotten during this time. This can lead to additional stress which can get in the way of navigating the grief process. (2)
Less ability to heal through self-care: Grief requires extra focus and concentration to process difficult emotions that can get in the way of making important decisions and to engaging in self-care. Those with ADHD have additional challenges with focus and concentration for extended periods which can lead to a decrease in the ability to remember important dates, to find misplaced items, and to take care of themselves (1)
Difficulty expressing feelings of grief: Those with ADHD may find it hard to articulate their grief experiences to others because of the issues around organizing thoughts and emotions and possible impulsivity of speech. There can be feelings of loneliness or misunderstanding because of this communication barrier which can make the emotional pain of grief even worse. (2)
Social isolation: People with ADHD sometimes struggle with social skills which may make social interactions very uncomfortable while grieving. They may have difficulty expressing emotions, empathizing with others, or finding support from family and friends. This can further complicate the grieving process. (2)
More on self-care, ADHD and griefSome of the symptoms that may be evident when people are grieving are emotions ranging from sadness to anger and from despair to relief. People who are grieving may have changes in sleep patterns, either having trouble falling and staying asleep or sleeping much more than usual. They may experience changes in eating patterns, either having a significantly decreased appetite or eating more of the “comfort” foods. They may also exhibit a decreased interest in activities they used to enjoy. (3) (4) People with ADHD frequently experience problems with emotional regulation, sleep, remembering to eat, and may lose interest in activities when novelty wears off. Since those with ADHD have baseline issues in these areas, the symptoms of grief may be exacerbated.
Tips for improving your grief journeyAs noted earlier, those with ADHD may experience both acute grief (ex: loss of a loved one) and higher rates of chronic grief (ex: loss of a relationship or dream). Here are some ideas to help you address both types:
Leave time for your self-care. You may wish to schedule a specific time of day to do something that calms or refreshes you, warning others that you won’t be available during that time. This glimpse of your ‘normal’ life may reassure, as well as help your emotional stability. Or it may provide private time to process what is happening to you. Keep a list of self-care practices that work for you when you are down for times you may experience more chronic grief and not be feeling inspired enough to remember them. Co-regulate: Ask your partner, a family member or a friend to quietly hold you while you cry or feel sadness. Ask that they not speak but, rather, allow their touch to provide reassurance. Ask for assistance with logistics: In your grief around the loss of a loved one you may feel you owe it to a deceased person to take care of all the planning. However, this may be a particularly difficult time to get organized. Find others and ask explicitly for what assistance you need. (Ex: Coordinating meals for your family while you deal with a hospice situation; assistance with memorial service reception planning; paying bills this month so you can focus elsewhere.) Reflect: Reading studies, research, and even personal accounts of grief will deepen your understanding of your own grief journey. You may find that journaling provides a quiet way to process what you feel, as well. Avoid alcohol and other substances: This is important to support your overall health and well-being as your brain and body focus on healing you emotionally. Alcohol and other forms of self-medication may temporarily dull the feelings, or they may intensify them. Talk with others: Often, friends and family really wish to help but don’t know how. Talking about your loss can help you understand it, as well as allow space for reminiscing or revisiting good memories. It also strengthens your social connections and allows others to support you in your grief. Orient towards sleep with a sleep ritual: Sleep can be difficult for those with ADHD at the best of times, and grieving can make it harder. Nonetheless, sleep is critical to healing. Try setting an alarm that reminds you to get into bed at a consistent time that would allow for at least 7 hours sleep and, also, create a quiet ritual to help train your brain to calm down. Some rituals that work particularly well include deep breathing for a few minutes to move your nervous system from activated to ‘resting,’ and reading a book or listening to quiet music. Try to avoid watching videos or t.v. as these are stimulating and the blue light emitted encourages wakefulness. Chronic grievingIf your sadness is constant and does not seem to be going away, or if you experience impacts to your sleeping, eating, ability to work or feel hopeless, it might be time to consult your doctor or a mental health care provider.
The bottom line is that, for most of us, grief resolves over time given the proper attention. Remember, the only way around grief is through it. Healing takes both time and attention. (3)
Dr. Becky Brotemarkle is a consultant with ADHD & Marriage Consulting, helping couples and individuals process the difficult feelings that may impede improving their ADHD-impacted lives and is ready to help you work through your own feelings of grief. When she is not working with ADHD & Marriage, Becky Becky has her own practice, MacroLife Coaching & Consulting, as a leadership/executive coach, grief coach, ADHD coach, and health & wellness coach. She has a recent diagnosis of ADHD and became an ADHD coach to help others.
Neurolaunch Editorial Team. (2024). ADHD and Grief: Understanding the Complex Relationship and Coping Strategies. https://neurolaunch.com/adhd-and-grief/ Grief Directory. (2023) Understanding ADHD and Grief from https://griefdirectory.org/adhd-and-grief/ Moberly, N. (2021). Recognizing the symptoms of grief and how to deal with them. From: https://www.betterup.com/blog/symptoms-of-grief Blake, K. (2000). Grief the forgotten emotion of adults with learning disabilities. November/December issue of LDA Newsbriefs. https://drkevintblake.com/Grief.pdfEckhart Tolle
This is not some new revelation, but just a reminder. Again, just sharing something I feel is important.
I keep bringing myself back to Echart Tolle's revelation, in the moment he had his epiphany. This also, deals with the "us and them" dichotomy.
At his lowest state, next to suicide, he thought " I can't live with myself ". Then he thought, "who is this "self" I can't live with?"
In essence, he's just "one" person, who's this extra thing, construct, story, idea, or person, who's not himself? Imagination?
And who's this "them" then? Who's not you? The one you don't like. Especially, if they're actually exactly like you? This thing you hold so much contempt for?
In that moment, he understood who he was. And this "self"... is just an illusion. A construct of his own doing.
It's a reminder for me, in moments with SO....that she is more like me, than I think she even realizes. I realize it, but at times, I don't think she does.
Even more so.....any criticism of me coming from her...is only a self reflection of what she doesn't like about herself. It's a reminder not to take it personally and not to take it in .
It's easier said than done but, Eckhart Tolle is the one who reminds me:
"If you can't live with yourself...who can you live with? "
January 24, 2025
My anger is the problem, apparently
non-ADHD partner here (well, at least I think so!)
I've ordered Melissa's book, which I believe has some information about my question, but while I'm waiting for it to arrive, I thought I'd ask here.
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Only very recently, via a somewhat random set of connections, I started wondering whether my wife may have undiagnosed ADHD. Since then, I've been reading and listening to a lot of information and much of it rings true (that is, to my non-health-professional, possibly-prone-to-confirmation-bias mind). Doesn't mean I'm right, of course, and hopefully she and I will be able to discuss getting a diagnosis for her (and myself?).
Anyway, I'd like to learn more about anger/frustration in the non-adhd partner. For years my wife has been telling me the problem in our marriage is my anger. This has always felt off the mark to me.
On the one hand, I've researched all the typical behaviours associated with an anger disorder -- and I don't exhibit them. On the other, I acknowledge I still hold a lot of unhealed anger from my childhood; my therapist has said "I can often feel your simmering anger".
So my take is that, yes, I have unresolved trauma and this can, at times, lead me to overreact or act irrationally, etc. And at the same time (given that I don't believe I exhibit the signs of "an anger problem"), I feel as if I'm in good company. That is, wouldn't that description apply to most of us?
My questions (re: ADHD) are:
How much of the following sounds familiar through an ADHD lens? If any of it is familiar, what might I be able to do?
For years my wife engaged in very frequent criticism, complained constantly, and exhibited various controlling behaviours. When I put this to her and contended this was unfair and unreasonable, she...
(1) staunchly denied it; then
(2) attacked me, claiming the root-cause was my anger; then
(3) got really upset because this "claim" of mine was "evidence" that I didn't love her unconditionally and I "didn't see [her] for who [she] really [is]".
Not in just one interaction, either. We went around and around in this argument/loop for a long time (a couple of years) because I could see no evidence to "justify" her behaviour towards me.
She insisted "[my] anger" was at the bottom of it and pressed me to attend weekly therapy sessions (with my therapist). This insistence on weekly has recurred many, many times and I'm always a bit perplexed by it.
I wasn't averse to therapy; I'd had a personal therapist for a long time before we were even married and I know I have plenty to work through. But I was doubtful "[my] anger" was the issue. I was open to being wrong.
Several years later, after my wife had also done a lot of personal therapy (not her first rodeo, either) and we'd started couples therapy, she finally said:
"Yes, my go-to behaviour when I get stressed is to focus on the negative, find fault, criticise, complain, be controlling... these are all symptomatic of my insecure childhood attachment bonds (as elaborated with tons of research by Sue Johnson and her EFT model) ... So, yeah, I guess what you've been saying is valid..."I don't mean for that to sound flippant on her part because it wasn't. More than once since she has sincerly expressed her deep sorrow for the hurt caused.
[A bit of a sidenote: Some time later, I came across the acronym DARVO while doing research to try and make sense of it and went "Yes! That!"]
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Another thing I came across re: ADHD is "not listening" (or, probably, more accurately, inability to follow a complex line of reasoning due to impaired executive function). Of course, it's also difficult for any of us to "listen well" when we're emotionally flooded, adhd or no adhd.
Nevertheless, this has been an unbelievably recurrent bone of contention in our relationship since long before we were even married. And I find it intensely frustrating to present a point of fact, a point of view, a reasoned argument for whatever it is I believe, etc. and feel as if I may as well not have spoken. She has her point of view and, dammit, that's what we're talking about here! I feel as if I have to go around and around and around just to be heard.
Then, we might be able to discuss the issue.
This is not a different way of asking "Why won't she agree with me?" Sometimes -- like everyone! Newsflash! -- I'm wrong. ***gasp*** I may or may not like that, but I believe I'm adult enough to (generally) accept when I'm wrong and adjust accordingly. I'm the kind of person who wants to do the right thing (for the situation). I, like most people, enjoy being right, but it's less important to me than taking the right action.
But... this dynamic of going around and around just to be heard is, frankly, as frustrating AF, and by then I'm annoyed and our chances of discussing the issue in a calm, rational way have gone out the window.
Sometimes I get angry about that. Not throw stuff around angry or make threats of physical harm or any other such nonsense, but what I consider pretty "normal" anger under the circumstances. Maybe I'm wrong about that. If so, I'm very much open to hearing alternative points of view on what I could do better.
Then, when we do finally get down to brass tacks (i.e. discussing the issue at hand) -- whether that day or another day, the whole dynamic repeats! I don't feel heard. She always seems to know best -- especially anything parenting related. I'm just wrong about everything all the time. (Statistically, that just can't be possible... surely?) And, of course, I then get the sh*ts about that.
I try really, really hard not to keep my anger under control, but I'm feeling completely crushed under the weight of this attempt. Not because I have this raging, frothing-at-the-mouth Hulk inside whom I'm constantly trying to keep caged... no, that is not what's going on with me.
Rather, it's because I feel that any expression of anger (including frustration) is simply unacceptable to my wife. I have, of course, put this to her many, many times (empathising with the dynamics of her family, where emotional regulation isn't very strong, and the household she grew up in, where a lot of behaviour was, I think, controlled with the use of anger). She flat out rejects my hypothesis. Doesn't mean I'm wrong. Doesn't mean I'm right, either.
I don't believe all anger is "automatically bad". Sometimes it's a reasonable response to mistreatment or not having one's boundaries respected. It's a way of forcefully saying "HEY! NO TO THAT". [Recently, our couples therapist used the term "clean anger" to describe this.] To me, this is not the same as excuse-making, e.g. "Getting angry is no good, but dangit if I just don't get angry sometimes. What's wrong with that?". No, not that.
Getting angry is just about never going to result in a productive discussion. I know this. So I try to apologise whenever possible because anger in one partner is almost certainly going to trigger the other person and around and around it goes. Both of us feel crappy and nothing gets resolved. For sure, I do not always express my anger in a "clean anger" way. Who does? But I've worked with my therapist, I've healed some things that needed to be healed, and I try hard not to overreact (although... even saying that makes it sound as if, in the past, I routinely overreacted to all and sundry, which is just not the case).
It's exhausting, though, when I feel there's plenty of "justification" (for want of a better word) for my feeling so frustrated and hurt and put upon. A few years back, a friend of mine (on this issue) said "It sounds as if everyone in your household is allowed to get angry... except you."
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And then... this is what I've been assailed with for the past couple of years...
When I get frustrated to the point of crazy-making -- what I refer to as "completely exasperated"... I'm prone to throwing my hands in the air, rolling my eyes, and saying something -- admittedly unhelpful and, certainly, unloving -- like "FFS! How many times do I have to say XYZ only for you to hear ABC?"...
...and then she's onto me:
"I won't accept that behaviour. It's disrespectful. Rolling your eyes is disrespectful. And contemptuous. I won't have you talk down to me, belittle me, or be condescending..."This just seems like a variation of "It's your anger that's the problem". My anger has turned to contempt now, apparently. But the point -- to me, at least, and this is where I could really do with some other perspectives -- is the same:
I am (mostly) being reasonable and fair and the only response I get from you is some version of anger. It wasn't acceptable before -- and I told you so -- and now it appears you've escalated that into the domain of contempt, which is even less acceptable. So you'd better address that or this marriage is over because I won't be treated that way.I believe I understand her position. I just don't think it reflects reality.
January 22, 2025
Cycles and Patterns
Whether or not my SO ( might ) have BPD, an explanation I found, fits our pattern very well. I also found my contribution which seems to make perfect sense.
Key words:
Fear of engulmemt vs engulmemt.
"Shuttlers—You have fears about intimacy. You start out just like a “Clinger,” but once the two of you get close, your past intimacy traumas are activated. You not only fear abandonment, but also that you will be engulfed by the emotional needs of your partner.
This fear of engulfment is usually the result of having been recruited in childhood to help your mother manage her emotional needs. Usually this occurs when the husband (your father) abdicates his role and is happy to turn over this emotional chore to one or all of the children. * she was the youngest child by many years. Same as me.
Or you may have been the only child of a lonely single mother who over depended on you. In this case you received the covert message:
Don’t grow up and leave me. I need you!
In essence, “Shuttlers” are caught in a classic “Approach-Avoidance Conflict.” The more distant they are, the freer they feel to move forward and act on their attraction.
But…as the relationship becomes intimate and they are on the verge of some important commitment, such as moving in together, their abandonment and/or engulfment fears get triggered. They pick a fight and find some reason to backtrack.
Eventually, they will reach a comfortable distance, their fear diminishes, and they want to move forward with the relationship again. This can literally go on forever, unless one of the pair enters psychotherapy or gets fed up and leaves for good.
Their relationship cycle may look look like this:
Attraction 1—They meet someone appealing who likes them as well. Intimacy—The relationship moves forward and they begin to get anxious. Backtracking—They hesitate, stop moving forward, and find some excuse for moving away and undoing the growing intimacy. Attraction 2—Now, from this emotionally safe distance, their lover starts to seem attractive again. They decide that they want the relationship after all. Move towards Intimacy—They reconnect with the other person and convince them to try again. Shuttling Continues—Unless one or both enter therapy or someone walks away forever, this pattern of Approach—Avoidance—Approach will continue and sabotage the relationship’s ability to move forward in a stable way.Punchline: People with the personality pattern that we call “Borderline Personality Disorder” do not enact the typical relationship cycle of Idealization—Devalue—Discard that is seen in many Narcissistic relationships. They have their own relationship issues which are different than those of Narcissists. Their relationship cycles reflect their fears of abandonment and/or engulfment."
So fear of engulmemt is a big deal. This describes perfectly what I've experienced.
Enter me:
"This might arise from a situation such as relocating to move in with your partner. When you move, you leave your friends and family behind and don’t know anyone other than your partner where you now live. You used to do your hobbies and interests with your friends, so all of a sudden, you stop doing these, too. It feels like you and your partner do everything together, and you’re not sure what you enjoy doing anymore."
Exactly true. I'm more of a "clinger" anyway, but I have no problem going out a doing things alone or without my SO.
This dynamic, caused immediate issue for my SO right from the beginning. She immediately started to move away and distance without the "idealized phase". Or an immediate shifting back and forth because of this fear of engulfment. ( I was accused of being too " intense " )
I never really felt any passion, or honeymoon, or anything remotely similar to love bombing or infatuation. It went straight into "shuttling".....and the diminishing of sex right from the start.
Now, she's feeling engulfment again...despite me trying to give her more space. But anything perceived as "getting too close" or "closer"...while she's backing away or undoing....like going to therapy....is actually making it worse I believe. Causing her to question being together entirely. Causing Chaos and intense emotions...when, what I'm doing, is trying to move in the opposite direction as he, trying to move in or approaching to get closer ....and her moving out and away....and backtracking.
What's useful for me here ( if there's any hope at all ) is to recognize where in this cycle she's in....so I can avoid certain things.
Not just space...but engulfment most of all. It appears, that may be the key to understanding what going on. As in....me moving "away" in respect to doing things like skiing again. She liked it when I actually left town for the day and was completely removed from the house. Without realizing it, moving to a new town, with no friends or activity partners...was a situational / logistical issue that triggered her from the beginning.
Possibly this is what she feels she needs? To break- up...so I'll move away?
This seems to fit like a glove. Possibly something I can do, to alleviate this issue?
I've already experienced the belittling and "devaluing stage" a number of times already. Along with contempt, anger, and disinterest in doing things together. It appears, the more distance the better at the moment. And not doing anything to get closer, or expect any kind of intimacy or affection. Expecting the opposite will at least not make me not feel hurt and disappointed. ( those pesky feeling again )
I'd call this: the barely warm, barely interested in me or anything I have to say and mostly ignored me stage.
I still have hope, that I create a scenario where I'm very busy and don't rely much on her for anything....she's come back around amd warm of up bit.
She promises she's not finding someone knew as she explains: that's the last thing I want, as what I want is no drama in my life period.
That would include, talking about feelings, and especially not talking about how my needs at not getting met in any way. She wants freedom from all responsibility and to be with her cats. ( extremely low demand ) She even accuses the cats of being "needy" which tells you something right there.
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