Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 13

Carl Jung - Synchronicity

Forum: Progress You are Making and Hope

I'm revisiting Carl Jung and his teachings lately. I'm connecting with them more than ever, which for me, speaks to the place I'm in, in my own self discovery. 

Having ADHD now, means something entirely different than it did when I was first diagnosed.  The concepts involved including: RSD, emotional regulation, and past triggers amd traumas now make it clear to me, as I'm working on myself, that his entire philosophical and psychology approach is based on the subconscious mind which is one in part with, the shadow self. Part of being self aware is being able to see your shadow without judgement. Being able to see yourself this way ( as it says ) is being able to see your whole self, not just "parts" of who you are.

I'm finding I'm at the place where I can do this now, compared to tye past, which is probably why I can connect with Jung even more. There's lots of videos on YouTube about this including ones about the concept of synchronicity.  This is both a fascinating concept and a relevant one for me. The idea that my SO has come into my life for a reason, and that reason is to hold a mirror up for me to see what I wouldn't be able to if we weren't together. Because she has ADHD too, I'm feeling more that the reasons were together are different for me than they were in my past.

I think for me, this is progress in finding different paths to learn to control my inner self. The more control, the more confident I am and less I'm finding things bother me. 

Not caring, in Jungian terms, is now a goal I have for myself because I feel it working, and the feeling is good.

Stuck in quicksand

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

It's been a while since my last post but I've come on here and there for somw comfort and relevancy....but im stuck guys. Really stuck. Its dawned on me that everyday I'm triggered and it's my husband that triggers me. And to walk through life this on edge is not the life for me at all. I don't want this life anymore. I want a better marriage or I want out. I know this but I cant seem to get myself unstuck...even a little bit. I feel like I'm in quicksand and while I know I'm not supposed to fight against the sand, my own behaviours and triggers and hurt and pain plays up EVERY DAMN DAY for me and I'm shot. Just shot. The irony is that my husband feels the same - exhasted, tired...all of it. I know this bc he says it but i don't even have the guts to speak my truth. 

But my body has said enough. My heart is saying enough. My mind is screaming for peace....and I have NO CLUE how to take that first step. 

A mutual friend of ours who is one of thr only ones who knows the situation has advised me that my husband confided in him that he was open to marriage therapy, but he's never said a word about it. We are both so avoidant we live separate lives and it's so lonely and makes me want cry for days bc of where I've landed. 

 

My heart aches for myself and also my 11 year old son who sees this. This is what I'm modelling and I don't want to anymore...but I have no idea how to even pull my toe out of thr quicksand. 

I have therapy booked tomorrow and I don't even know if that's a good thing or not. My husband and I are on such thin ice. I'll put my hands up, I'm no Ray of sunshine but I'll own my half of this....but he takes ZERO accountability. Absolutely nothing. And that's a trigger too. 

The mutual friend suggested that I go find a man and a woman marriage cousellor and then just ask my husband who he prefers....if I'm bring brutally honest with myself, I can't even bring myself to look for a therapist bc my brain goes "well that's more work for us to do like always". 

I'm sure my husband is a good man with good intentions....but im so blinded by anger and pain that he's caused (that he won't admit) that it feels like this will never get resolved. 

We suck at communication, we arent friends, we have 0 connection and no joy in each other. What am I doing here? But then I have to ask...where the heck could I even go? 

It's not a simple "leave" situation although I wonder when i look back on this time if the simple solution would be this very thing that I've put myself.in an internal prison for. 

If anyone has any help or guidance but without telling me to just leave,  I'd really really appreciate it during this tough time. Both from adhd and nons. Its just a really tough tough moment for me. The fear has gripped me ans I want to shake it loose. 

Guilt

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Hello;

Extreme guilt haunts me.  I ended a lengthy relationship with my fiance who has ADHD and, I suspect, bipolar.  We called off our wedding so he could seek treatment as we both felt that this was a priority.

My guilt stems from the fact that I feel I failed him.  Isn't " in sickness and health" a vow that I should have remained in the relationship?

I am angry at myself because I should have seen the red flags and I'm angry with him because of his aversion to psychotherapy which should be in conjunction with medication.  I just do not know how to let go of the guilt and the anger !!!!

Navigating Financial Decisions in ADHD-Affected Marriages

Conflicts Around Household Tasks

Money is one of the biggest stressors in any relationship, and when ADHD is in the mix, financial decisions can feel even more overwhelming. One partner forgets to pay the electric bill—again. The other is frustrated that their budget plan never sticks. Impulse spending, missed due dates, and conflicting money habits can quickly spiral into resentment on both sides.

It’s not just about dollars and cents, it’s about trust, teamwork, and feeling secure in the relationship. The good news? ADHD doesn’t have to be a financial disaster. With the right strategies, couples can work together to build financial systems that actually work for both partners.

Understanding ADHD’s Impact on Money Management

ADHD affects financial management in ways that often surprise both partners. The ADHD brain is wired for now, not later—so long-term financial planning can feel abstract or even impossible. Budgeting might feel restrictive, and when something exciting or urgent comes up, impulse spending may take over.

Many ADHD partners also struggle with:

Forgetting to pay bills, even when they have the money Avoiding looking at finances out of anxiety or shame Underestimating expenses or overestimating income Feeling overwhelmed by complex financial systems and avoiding them altogether

For the non-ADHD partner, this can feel like irresponsibility or carelessness. But ADHD financial struggles aren’t about a lack of care—they’re about executive function challenges. At the same time, the non-ADHD partner may contribute to the tension by expressing frustration in ways that feel critical or assuming their way is the only "right" way to manage money. Once both partners understand that ADHD affects financial decision-making in predictable ways, it becomes easier to work as a team instead of blaming each other.

Building a Foundation of Teamwork

When ADHD causes financial chaos, it’s easy to fall into the blame game. “Why didn’t you check the account before making that purchase?” “How could you forget to pay the rent?” “Do I have to do everything myself?”

This cycle is often unhelpful. The real shift happens when couples move from blame to collaboration. Instead of “you messed up,” try “could we discuss how to make this easier?” The goal isn’t to force the ADHD partner to adopt neurotypical habits—it’s to create financial systems that work for both of you.

Here are a few strategies that may help:

Define roles based on strengths. Maybe one partner is better at tracking expenses while the other makes sure bills are paid on time. Assign tasks in a way that plays to each person’s abilities rather than forcing a struggling partner into a role that doesn’t suit them. Have regular “money check-ins.” Instead of waiting for a financial crisis, set aside a non-stressful time each week to look at finances together. Keep it short and focused (start with 15 minutes). Use kind, supportive language. If money conversations turn into criticism, the ADHD partner may shut down. Phrases like “I noticed we went over budget this month—how can we adjust?” work better than “You keep overspending.” Emphasizing partnership.  Work to develop a "we’re in this together" mindset. When disagreements happen, pause before reacting. Take a breather, then return to the discussion calmly.

The key is to work together, not against each other. ADHD-friendly financial management means adapting the approach, not forcing old methods that don’t work.

ADHD-Friendly Budgeting Tips

Traditional budgeting often fails for ADHD brains because it’s too rigid, too complicated, or relies on memory and willpower—two things people with ADHD may struggle with. Instead, try:

Automate where possible. Set up automatic bill payments, savings transfers, and even notifications for account balances. The less each partner has to remember, the better. Using ADHD-friendly budgeting tools. Apps like YNAB (You Need a Budget) or Goodbudget help track expenses without requiring a ton of effort. Setting up separate spending accounts. A “fun money” account for impulse spending can prevent guilt and overspending while keeping the main budget intact. Using visual cues. If money tends to disappear without thought, the envelope system (using cash in labeled envelopes) can be a helpful physical reminder of spending limits.

The goal isn’t to be perfect—it’s to find what works. Experiment, adjust, and celebrate progress.

Conclusion: Small Wins Lead to Big Changes

Navigating financial decisions as an ADHD-affected couple takes patience, communication, and a willingness to experiment. Progress won’t be perfect, but every small win—a paid bill, a successful money check-in, a month without a major financial fight—counts.

By shifting from blame to teamwork, using ADHD-friendly strategies, and celebrating each step forward, you and your partner can build a financial system that works for both of you.

Looking for more support? ADHD & Marriage consultants can help you develop customized financial strategies tailored to your ADHD challenges. Let’s tackle this together!

Jill Johnson is an ADHD & Marriage consultant with a specialty in coaching clients who have ADHD.  When she isn't working with our consulting team she can be found at Jill Johnson Coaching.

Tags:  financial budgets paying bills money money management

Feeling Nonexistant

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

I've been married to my ADHD partner for several years, and after the initial hyperfocus phase, I suspected infidelity. My wife, diagnosed with ADHD since college, seems to have lost focus on me. As a lawyer, she works extensively, and when she does focus on me, things can go well, but this is now rare. Do others feel the same sense of loneliness I do? We maintain intimacy on weekends, though she struggled with the schedule I established due to our busy household with six children, one with special needs. She admitted that without this schedule, we wouldn't be intimate. We still exchange daily kisses and expressions of love, but I feel her absence. When she's home, she's often preoccupied with her phone or focused elsewhere. When I try to hug or kiss her, she claims I'm overwhelming her. I acknowledge being a touchy-feely person, which leaves me feeling isolated and unfulfilled. I contribute to household responsibilities, handling cooking, cleaning, and laundry. I desire some form of intimacy and affection. Do others experience similar challenges with their ADHD partner?

It has become a safety issue

Forum: Conflicts Around Household Tasks

My husband has severe ADHD, and the mask has been fully off for a couple of years now. Every marriage problem you can have with the ADHD effect, we've got it — plus a few bonuses, like intentional misuse of his medication ("binges," up to 3 days without sleep).

We've been separated since May, and I recently gave birth to our second child. In the interests of our children, I agreed to move with him closer to his hometown. Since early February, we've been living in separate apartments next door to one another — this was my condition for making the move. He works from home and I stay home with our young children, 0 and 2.

In the few weeks we've lived here, my husband's apartment has become unlivable. It is approaching the level of a hoarder house you might see on TV. He has filled it with literal piles of things from Walmart, Costco, Home Depot. He has a particular affinity for power tools, which are in some cases accessible to our children. Filth is beginning to accrue in areas less accessible due to clutter.

Last time I came in to pick up our daughter, there was a wood panel laid across the stovetop (covering the 4 burners) with more piles of stuff on top of it. I offered to come over and clean his kitchen, and while I was doing that I took the opportunity to move it.

While I was there I asked if he'd had a chance to test for lead. He said that many of the surfaces he'd tested were positive, including some areas that were chipping or peeling. He said the landlord had agreed to pay for abatement, but my husband would need to arrange it. When I asked if he'd scheduled it, he said no. When I asked how I could help, he angrily said I could stop talking about it.

He's well aware he has ADHD, but has decided that because it is incurable it is a blanket excuse. He takes his medication at high doses because it gets him a little high and lets him pull all-nighters with his projects, which he readily admits. If it's helping him at all, I can't tell. He isn't interested in therapy or skills. He does sometimes make an effort, but it's frankly always too little too late. It's hard to imagine how we will ever combine households again. Given the state of his apartment, I'm worried every time I leave either of our kids with him.

My admittedly very stupid hope was that living apart, he would see how much I did for him before. It turns out he is quite happy to live like... whatever this is.

I don't know how to address the safety issues. It is his space, after all. He doesn't feel I have any grounds to withhold his children from him, nor do I want to! I just don't want them to be poisoned by lead, injured by items strewn about his home or caught in a fire. What do I do?

Depressed SO and my ADHD

Forum: Women with ADHD

I’m seeking advice from others who’ve experienced similar challenges in their marriage. My husband struggles with job-related depression, and I have inattentive ADHD, hormone imbalance, and a validation complex (as my therapist calls it). I feel like a failure when I don't meet certain expectations, and it's affecting our marriage. We have two young children (5 and 7), and we've been together for 15.5 years.

He’s an only child, and I’m the oldest of four, which has led to some differences in our upbringing. Over the years, he’s had issues with entitlement, which has decreased in some ways but increased in others. I’m in therapy and on medication (Cymbalta, Wellbutrin), and my thyroid results were normal. I’m working on my personal issues and taking responsibility for my shortcomings.

However, my husband’s depression has led him to sacrifice his own joy, and he’s stuck in a job he hates. He’s been in a six-figure role (barely) for years, and although he can do better, he stays in the same job because of the money. I’ve tried helping him find something better, but after 10 years of doing this, I’m frustrated.

I’m content in my own job, but I don’t keep up with housework, and I have no support system. I’m expected to be a happy wife while juggling work, kids, and home life. His job stress is overwhelming, and I can’t bring up any issues without him shutting down. He gets defensive, and I feel like I bury my emotions to avoid disrupting his routine. He’s admitted he wasn’t as involved during the early years of parenting, but whenever I bring up the past, he gets defensive.

He refuses therapy, and I’m realizing that his stress isn’t mine to fix. I can only control my own reactions. We’ve discussed this, but it hasn’t led to any lasting change. His refusal to seek help is impacting our parenting, and I’m afraid I’m falling out of love. He’s too stressed to initiate intimacy, and when I do, he rejects me, saying he’s too tired. I’ve tried medication to help with my own anxiety and it increased my libido, but now I’m struggling with his rejection. I’ve expressed how this makes me feel, but his response is always the same: “I know I’m a failure, but it’s my job.”

Any advice or stories from others in similar situations would be appreciated.

(Divorce is absolute last resort and I’m trying to avoid this- when things are good for us-  they are sooo good, and it’s life that I want to keep for all the time.)

High functioning anxiety in ADHD spouse?

Forum: Support for the ADHD Partner

Good morning, in trying to figure out why I'm irritated all the time, need to be doing something, and can't sleep in - I think I have high functioning anxiety or productivity anxiety. I know that if I slip on my projects/responsibilities things won't get done properly in our household and can easily snowball into bigger problems.

Do any other ADHD spouses suffer from this? I've always been this way, and I wonder if that's why my two marriages have been with women that have ADHD tendencies (lack of organization/attention to detail). Figuring, I can take on more of those deficiencies than most.

Just a slight revelation on my own issues, in search of some calm and maybe a return of joy in my life.

Any thoughts from the collective?

Helping Impulsivity with the Yes/No Concept

Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD

It is so easy with ADHD to get side tracked with anything (work, chores etc..) when there is something fun or better to do.   A friend calls you and asks to go see the latest movie, check out a fun new bar, or even to meet for coffee.   Yes, we are there!

And so you go, and have a great time until you come back and realize, “Oops! I have no time to do the laundry tonight as promised, or clean the bathroom, or catch up on that project at work.”  Shame and disappointment begin to creep in.

What if there were a simple way to help you with impulsivity?

Welcome the Yes/No concept.

The Yes/No concept is this:  when you say Yes to something, you are always saying No to something else. ALWAYS.  So when you are about to say Yes, give yourself a minute to write down (or use your phone) what you are saying No to.  This pause to note what you are saying No to, will help you review possible consequences and, perhaps, deter the impulse decision to say Yes….if that’s in your best interest. 

Writing down what you're saying No to is so helpful because it takes a little bit of time and gives you a visual reminder of what’s being sacrificed in favor of the more immediate, impulsive choice.    

It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new opportunity or experience, but when you step back and really reflect, it can help you align your actions with your goals and commitments.

This strategy is a form of mindfulness that encourages self-awareness. We get to notice patterns and, over time, develop a deeper understanding of how our impulsive decisions impact our long-term plans. This way, you can make the decision to say Yes with more mindfulness, knowing the trade-offs.

Sometimes we need to say Yes because we are so stressed and meeting a friend is just what you need at that moment and this choice is fine and important too.  But a lot of the times, saying Yes just feeds into procrastination and can get us more jammed up and feeling bad about ourselves. 

Are you ready to try the Yes/No concept?

Anna Cuneo is a consultant with ADHD & Marriage Consulting who coaches individuals with ADHD.  

Tags:  impulsivity executive functioning tasks mindfulness

The Limits of Tools

ADHD & Marriage News - March 26, 2025 Quote of the Week

“At first, I thought, ‘I can still have all these neurotypical goals and have this neurotypical life and have a clean house and a clean car and keep in touch with friends.  I just have to do it in a way that’s ADHD-friendly.’  I was willing to accept that if my brain works differently, I might have to do things differently.  But I wasn’t yet willing to accept the limits of using tools and strategies.  No matter how many tools you have, the challenges are still there.”

- Jessica McCabe, YouTube creator of How to ADHD 

The Limits of Tools

I’m a huge fan of creating structures and using ADHD-friendly tools (such as alarms and reminders) to help those with ADHD function better in a world that is often hostile to them.  These tools often work well and can make incredible differences in how individuals with ADHD function and how healthy their relationship is.

But, as McCabe notes from her own experience, there is a limit to what tools can do for you.  For one, they don’t make ADHD go away.  For another, they don’t turn you into a non-ADHD person.  Even well managed, the ADHD remains…and needs to continue to be managed.

This may be a big disappointment to ADHD and non-ADHD partners alike, who often hope that the right combination of systems and structures will smooth out everything at home.  This is such a big issue, in fact, that I sometimes have to stop couples from fantasizing about what improvement the next tool might bring and work with them on recognizing what they have, right now, with their current relationship and their current partner.

It is always useful work.  True acceptance of ADHD’s strengths and weaknesses (it generally brings both) stabilizes the relationship and improves your ability to move forward with effective ways to improve your real relationship, rather than pine for the one you imagine you might have, but don’t.

Do you spend a lot of time fantasizing about what you might have vs. seeking the wonderful in what you already have?

HIGHLIGHT: 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - It's a great time to join! We have outstanding workshops coming up, like the ADHD Partner Pause with Cam Gott, and a book discussion on April 7th with author Tamara Rozier on her book "You, Me and our ADHD Family." And, our Resource Library was just launched so you can choose your own adventure for what you need to learn and apply with your partner. You can still get one of the last spots for the lifetime rate of $124/month if you Join us soon!

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open)  - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. 

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Spring 2025 dates: Wednesdays, April 16, 23, 30, May 7, 14, 21, (break), June 4, 11. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES: Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters; Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD"; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists; Chore Score Worksheet; Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD