It has become a safety issue

Forum: Conflicts Around Household Tasks

My husband has severe ADHD, and the mask has been fully off for a couple of years now. Every marriage problem you can have with the ADHD effect, we've got it — plus a few bonuses, like intentional misuse of his medication ("binges," up to 3 days without sleep).

We've been separated since May, and I recently gave birth to our second child. In the interests of our children, I agreed to move with him closer to his hometown. Since early February, we've been living in separate apartments next door to one another — this was my condition for making the move. He works from home and I stay home with our young children, 0 and 2.

In the few weeks we've lived here, my husband's apartment has become unlivable. It is approaching the level of a hoarder house you might see on TV. He has filled it with literal piles of things from Walmart, Costco, Home Depot. He has a particular affinity for power tools, which are in some cases accessible to our children. Filth is beginning to accrue in areas less accessible due to clutter.

Last time I came in to pick up our daughter, there was a wood panel laid across the stovetop (covering the 4 burners) with more piles of stuff on top of it. I offered to come over and clean his kitchen, and while I was doing that I took the opportunity to move it.

While I was there I asked if he'd had a chance to test for lead. He said that many of the surfaces he'd tested were positive, including some areas that were chipping or peeling. He said the landlord had agreed to pay for abatement, but my husband would need to arrange it. When I asked if he'd scheduled it, he said no. When I asked how I could help, he angrily said I could stop talking about it.

He's well aware he has ADHD, but has decided that because it is incurable it is a blanket excuse. He takes his medication at high doses because it gets him a little high and lets him pull all-nighters with his projects, which he readily admits. If it's helping him at all, I can't tell. He isn't interested in therapy or skills. He does sometimes make an effort, but it's frankly always too little too late. It's hard to imagine how we will ever combine households again. Given the state of his apartment, I'm worried every time I leave either of our kids with him.

My admittedly very stupid hope was that living apart, he would see how much I did for him before. It turns out he is quite happy to live like... whatever this is.

I don't know how to address the safety issues. It is his space, after all. He doesn't feel I have any grounds to withhold his children from him, nor do I want to! I just don't want them to be poisoned by lead, injured by items strewn about his home or caught in a fire. What do I do?