Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 14

I asked him

Forum: Progress You are Making and Hope

I actually asked him. 

I texted my ADD ex husband I was considering a new serious relationship, told him I’ve loved him and haven’t wanted divorce. I asked to know if there were any possibility of us resolving our conflicts and reuniting. I told him I can’t repair what’s happened to our relationship, but he could.

Yesterday my child wept, lying on my chest, that they want the family to be together. I can’t start something new unless I’m certain there’s no misunderstanding and no hope of reconciliation. 

I felt I needed to do it. I need to be able to step into the future without regrets. 

Thank you all for helping me think about this. 

Jockey Everyone Around

ADHD & Marriage News - March 18, 2025 Quote of the Week

“I’ve always thought I could use my brain and my heart to jockey everyone around to the good.  But life is not jockeyable.  When you try, you make people infinitely crazier than they already were, including or especially yourself.”

- Anne Lamott 

Jockey Everyone Around

It’s safe to speculate that there is probably a lot on your plate!  To get things to run smoothly you may have to manage your family members to jockey things around quite a bit.

Inherent in that jockeying is a position of control.  “You do this; I’ll do that; they’ll do this other thing.”  You do it with best intentions, and a big heart, but (as you probably already know) it often doesn’t go as you had planned.  This is particularly true when one or more people in your family have ADHD.

I bring this to your attention because there are actually hidden costs of trying to jockey things around all the time:

1.     Other people in your life resent being jockeyed around and told what to do.  Therefore, your efficiency efforts can add negative feelings in the family.

2.     You set yourself up for disappointment (and resentment – there is a theme here) because you expect one outcome but may get a different, less satisfactory, one

3.     In your effort to manage things well, you end up focusing on ‘stuff’/efficiency and may lose sight of what’s really important – nurturing relationships.

I ask that you go back and read Lamott’s quote one more time and take 2 minutes to ask if it applies to your own life.

 

STARTING TODAY MARCH 18: ADHD Effect LIVE In-Depth Couples' Seminar  - No matter where you are in the world.... you can join via Zoom. 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Join us for an Information Session on Wednesday, March 26th at 8p EST to learn what our members love about i2a, ask your questions, and see if it’s the right fit for you. Register here for the Information Session to save your spot.  

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program: ADHD Management Tools, Expert Support and Community for ADHD Impacted Relationships - Live expert support, a great community and lots of tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner. Learn more and join us!  

Register here for our Information Session on Wednesday, March 26th at 8p EST to learn what our members love about i2a, ask your questions, and see if it’s the right fit for you.  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.  The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

FREE RESOURCES: Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters; How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists; Chore Score Worksheet; Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

 

An Observation

Forum: Communication with ADHD

I wanted to write this down before I forget. Our biggest obstacle, in my mind, is my Inabilty to discuss things that involve my feelings and my SO's hypersensitivity to perceived criticism, fault, wrong doing, etc. I'm wording it that way because that's her perspective. It very difficult to talk about things when someone is instantly on the defensive so, I've gotten in the habit of not.

There has be some movement and lightening up lately....what she will tolerate, and when it's too much. Yesterday, we were doing fine and she initiated a quick conversation telling me how much she wants me here , how she finds me attractive and how much she cares. It was an affirming quick communication letting me know how she felt. I told her how much I appreciated it and let her talk. She mentioned, she realized I could use more affection and I halted her and said "actually sex".

This came after I told her that when she starts to feel me getting "needy" it turns her off and it's unattractive.  That's where the comment came from.....as she realized that probably stung a bit. I told her as an FYI: when this happens ( pretty much always ) It's me missing sex and wanting it. ( me getting horny ). I don't act on these feelings, but she clearly can tell by the amount of physical touching I do. I realize I do this and told her yes, I'm sure I'm compensating without a doubt.

Anyway, I was just connecting the dots for her between lack of sex and me "feeling needy" as she calls it. I was getting frustrating with her not getting that connection. This also puts me in a sort of double bind if you will.

So when she mentioned..."not getting affection"..I simply reminded her " um er, sex"  which is kind of the elephant in the room......She immediately reacted negatively and started ramping up the anger. I did not react. I only said I'd try and work on these "heightened libido periods " and try not to push her into the "feeling needy" zone.

None of this is anything new of very exciting or interesting. What was new or different was what came later as I left her alone for the day without bugging her ( creating space ). She later said: " I'm sorry I'm not like I use to be ( having am active libido and enjoying sex )....and my reply was " I'm sorry I have one, and it's working as it always has."

I don't fully understand why that actually registered, but she looked at me like she understood, instead of dismissing my feelings. Something about saying it that way actually worked like the light bulb went on.

I included "I can't help that, anymore than you can help not having one"

Something about that interchange made a connection. Maybe for the first time, she considered that I can't help it either? At least, that's how it seemed.

 

stark choice

Forum: Progress You are Making and Hope

I separated from him a week ago. 

I’ve made my kids cry; it’s the last thing on earth I wanted to do, but I had reached a point where I wanted to die. And when I realised that I was really there, it had gone that far, I also realised that what I was doing, staying with him despite all my unhappiness, was pointless: my kids needed a living, functioning mum more than they needed her to be married to their dad. So I told him we were separating and I packed a bag.

He is hurt and lonely, he tells me. I’m sorry for that but I’ve had two decades of hurt and lonely.

In the insanity around leaving, I found an old diary from 11 years ago; then, I was at the end of my tether, brutally unhappy, and trying to leave him. I didn’t manage to. Cos of the kids. 

I regret the wasted time. 

But I have left him now. My kids are fine; neither blames me; they see their dad for what he is, and have some sympathy and love but see how difficult it is to be with him. I am, already, broadly speaking, happy. 

Last week I was catatonic. 

My advice - if it’s crossed your mind to leave, do it. Get out. Don’t wait till you’re considering how you’ll top yourself instead. 

It’s your life, not theirs.  live it. 

 

Supporting Each Other: Mental Health in Marriage

Forum: Progress You are Making and Hope

A strong marriage is built on understanding, communication, and mutual support. However, mental health challenges can sometimes create obstacles in even the most loving relationships. Here’s how couples can navigate these challenges together:

1. How Mental Health Affects Marriage Anxiety, depression, and chronic stress can impact communication, trust, and intimacy. When mental health struggles go unaddressed, they may lead to misunderstandings, emotional distance, or conflict. 2. The Role of Marriage in Mental Well-Being A supportive partnership provides emotional stability, companionship, and encouragement. Spouses can help each other by recognizing signs of distress and offering reassurance or suggesting professional help when needed. 3. Overcoming Common Challenges The stigma around mental health may make it difficult to openly discuss struggles. Balancing individual well-being with relationship responsibilities requires patience and effort. 4. Strengthening Your Marriage While Prioritizing Mental Health Communicate Openly: Make space for honest conversations about emotions and mental well-being. Seek Professional Support: Counseling or therapy can provide strategies for coping and growing together. Practice Self-Care: Both partners should engage in activities that promote personal well-being. Educate Yourselves: Understanding mental health fosters empathy and helps reduce stigma in the relationship.

Navigating mental health challenges as a team strengthens both individuals and the marriage itself. By fostering an environment of support and open dialogue, couples can build a resilient and lasting partnership.

Emotional safety

Forum: Communication with ADHD

Have been reading up some on emotional safety. It’s apparently what a person feels when they and their emotions are fully accepted, by a person or a group of people. 

I struggle to understand what happened in my ADD marriage. At the end, noone felt emotionally safe. I ruined his safety by being critical for decades before his diagnosis. But despite conflict and trust erosion, I believe on the whole he’s made me more emotionally safe than anybody else. 

Am I delusional about this because we were socially isolated? And because my family doesn’t make me feel emotionally safe either, so there was little to compare with? 

Or was he just more accepting than anyone else I’ve known? 

I know now that I absolutely crave emotional safety. I don’t know if I’ll want a romantic relationship again, but I need emotional safety like air. At the same time I feel it might be an illusion. 

Is it possible to love and accept somebody fully, always validating their emotions because you truly feel those emotions are valid? Not have opinions on their circumstances or be critical of their judgment? 

Do I manage to love the children like that?

Is it possible within the dynamic of ADHD-non? Or at all..? 

I feel it could be my life goal at this point, to create emotional safety for those around me. 

 

 

The Zen in Motorcycle Riding

Forum: Progress You are Making and Hope

Learning more about ADHD, and how I fit into this wide ranging subject, is helping me understand why I am the way I am. It also helps explains why some things work for me, and some things don't ( or not so well ) in managing myself, and my personal well being. This again is me, working on my strengths. 

So I finally bought a new motorcycle. It's been years since I've ridden. But I've always known, going back to a teenager ( even earlier ) there was something about riding a motorcycle ( or mini bike as a kid) that did something positive for me in a pronounced way. So pronounced, that it has a lingering positive effect that elevates my mood and disposition in a way nothing else can.  I'm still curious exactly how this happens, but the positive effect I've always known without question.

My van needed some work, so I took the opportunity to ride to work and get my van repaired. There are two ways I can go to work, one: on the freeway in rush hour traffic. Two: rual backroads in a beautiful upbeat setting.

The first two days, I took the rural backroads to become familiar with my new bike. The freeway seemed a little uncomfortable until my body adjusted to the unfamiliar and it had been years to get reacquainted.  By the end of the second day, everything came back to me and I felt in control again.

The next day....I took the freeway to work and that's when it all came back to me. That feeling, of being in "the zone" again, fully present, fully alive, when everything comes together in one fluid motion. 

This the Zen for me. This is like a week's worth of meditation all rolled into twenty minutes.  Jousting cars on the freeway at 80mph, is a feeling like no other. There is no scenery or noticing anything other than the spaces between the cars and semi trucks. All that exists is the spaces in-between ...nothing else matters. Those spaces are where I go, I'm no longer separate from the bike. Traveling faster than the traffic, keeps me out of harms way, staying ahead of them, not behind, or in between. 

Being the ball. The ball goes where you decide it goes, in one fluid motion. 

The point of me saying all this is the fact that this works. Why it works or exactly how, I don't know? All I know is, the profound positive effect it has on me. And nothing has changed in over 60 years. Being in motion, in complete control is being "in the Zone". And for me, being in the Zone is extremely beneficial.  It makes me a much happier, friendlier, positive person any time I get this way. I realize the danger, but in some ways, that's just part of it. Being fully present and engaged is like feeling life to the fullest. 

I just thought this was worth sharing, for what it is.

 

I feel trapped in my marriage. I need help!

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

This is my first time posting here. My ADHD husband and I have been together for 7 years (married 5) and just recently discovered he most likely has ADHD. We are not able to get a professional evaluation and consultation, since they are very expensive in my country and due to our BIG debt, we are living paycheck to paycheck, so I'm not able to save enough money for now.

I thought that discovering the ADHD and finally putting a name and an explanation to our problems will help, but that hasn't been the case. He's still gets angry for the smallest of things, he is very impatient, his foul language (to others) makes me beyond uncomfortable, his constant deflection (everything is my fault) and his lack of physical affection has my mental health DESTROYED.

As most of the people in here, I fell in love of his hyperfocused state and have been now slowly loosing respect for him. I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I'm constantly anxious and walking on eggshells, afraid of any anger outburst he may have, so must of the time I don't talk, so I don't spark any discussions or conflicts. I'm just sooo exhausted, tired and angry! I used to be the happiest person on earth, so much that people would say I "smiled" with my eyes. But that spark, along with my smile, is gone.

He knows he has to work on it, but doesn't know how to. We can't get therapy because it's too expensive, and he doesn't want to take medications, because you know how ADHD people get sometimes about that subject. 
 

He is a good person deep in his heart, and I know for certain he loves me like no one else. I love him and I don't want to divorce him, but it feels like no matter what I choose, I will not be happy. Either I divorce him and lose the man that I love, or stay in a marriage that I don't know if I will ever be truly happy in.
I feel like if I divorce him, I'm doing what everybody did his whole life: making him feel like he doesn't deserved to be loved, because of his ADHD.

Any advise and/or encouragement is appreciated!
 

Experience More

ADHD & Marriage News - March 5, 2025

  Quote of the Week

“Sometimes when you plan a little less, you experience a little more.”

- Oprah Winfrey

  Experience More

One of the differences between non-ADHD partners and ADHD partners is that the former tend to like to go from point A to point B in something that resembles a straight line.  People with ADHD rarely do this.  A few use planning things out in great detail as a way to keep their lives under control.

Yet for anyone who likes to ‘stay on track’ there is much to be gained by learning to savor the journey…celebrating and enjoying what happens along the way, rather than focusing on how it might take longer or upset your schedule.

Living in a straight line is efficient – something that Americans value greatly.  But it usually isn’t ‘deepening,’ and that is where a lot of the best parts of relationships lie.  When done right, saying ‘yes’ rather than ‘we don’t have time’ can create opportunities to enjoy together, to get to know each other better, to explore new places or ideas, or simply to smile.

Don’t misunderstand me.  I’m not suggesting you get to the emergency room in Boston by way of Des Moines.  There are times in your life when that straight line is absolutely necessary.  It’s just not as often as many non-ADHD partners think it is.

Can you find time to savor the journey this week?

 

 EVENTS:

ADHD Effect LIVE In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Registration OPEN. No matter where you are in the world.... you can join via Zoom. 9-sessions. Starts March 18. 

Non-ADHD partner support groups - Registration OPEN. 

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - Registration ONGOING. Providing ongoing support for couples dealing with ADHD. Read below for recent camaraderie and conversation.

  Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program: ADHD Management Tools, Expert Support and Community for ADHD Impacted Relationships - Intent to Action this week has been full of great ADHD relationship camaraderie and conversation. In Melissa's Book Club, we had a great group conversation about her seminal book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage. We explored the connections between anger, grief and acceptance. There, Russell B offered the insight: "when you don’t reject yourself, you can accept yourself” which reverberated for everyone. Conversations in Office Hours have been centered around implementing verbal cues and strategies for impulsivity and forgetting. And March is just getting started! This month we're looking forward to workshops on anger, setting target symptoms and more. Learn more and join us! You can learn more on the registration page listed above. Please let us know if you have any questions. Thanks, we hope you can join us!  

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next 9-session ZOOM seminar starts March 18. Registration OPEN). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.  The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Registration Open) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise.  NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert?  This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Not Yet Open for Registration) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

  

FREE RESOURCES:

Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters;

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists;

Chore Score Worksheet;

Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD

 

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.

© 2025 Melissa Orlov

Bandaids on train wrecks

Forum: Communication with ADHD

I woke up this morning with the realisation ive/we've been putting bandaids on òur train wreck of a marriage. I kinda knew it deep down but for some reason today, i felt compelled to journal this morning (somethig i dont really enjoy or do much). 

anyone who has followed my story knows there's a lot to it, but stripping away all the traumas and issues, I know that at the end of the day I can only control what I can control - myself and my actions and my words and my behaviour....thats it. And yet, I find myself absolutely stone paralysed in bringing myself to ask a single question, address an issue or bring up anything that has to do with our marriage. I want so badly to ask my adhd spouse "do you actually want to be together?!?!?!" "Are you willing to do the work to stay together??" 

It's my own traumas and upbringing and all that whoch is keeping me stuck - but I'm in therapy and I do so much already - good things too for myself and my mental health....however, if thid relationship is my single biggest source of unhappiness.....why can't I get the guts to start addressing it??? 

Im not sure anyone of us can answer this question for anyone else other than themselves to be fair, but I feel so stranded on an island but that its a self inflicted stranding....I am not blaming or owning our full issues in the marriage but I do recognise it takes 2. I'm just as much a part of it. 

We are currently waiting for an assessment of our son who is 11 yo ...but its for autism which shocks me to be honest. And I can't help but wonder if I'm waiting for another thing out of my control to help me steer this train wreck on course instead of addressing it and facing it head on. 

Not sure what I'm hoping to grt back on here in regards to comments. I think im just wondering if anyone else feels the same or has felt the same. And maybe how you got unstuck?? I feel like I am in quick sand.