Grief work

Negotiation and Setting Boundaries

A year after painful divorce from ADD partner I’m working on grief and bewilderment. This forum is vital for the continuously revolving thoughts. Thank you everyone for contributing to it.

I wonder if the experience of the other person in divorce is always invisible. If my ex doesn’t see my perspective concerning children at all? At least I’ve been frank in a couple of texts though we have minimal contact. He’s laid out a fog around himself, conveying nothing, and is not frank, or even comprehensible.

I know nothing about how he’s currently doing. Initially he implied he was better, but during this year he’s backed out of every annual activity the children enjoy. It seems he isn’t yet fit for a day at an amusement park. He seems to initiate very little. All he says is caring for children 50% is going well.

His health has been a constant cause of worry for years (seven different prescriptions and counting last I heard) , and now I have no updates (does he work? Has he been able to increase the part time? Does he still see his psychiatrist?). 

He perhaps doesn’t realize I overcompensate fiercely for lack of action on his part, trying to convey an active, cultural and social lifestyle to the children. Whatever he’s doing, I hear very little about it from children. Of course from his point of view, being able to trust my parenting, there is no cause for concern. My cold dread is not visible to him.

I put in far more than 50% childcare so he can relax on his weeks. This could have been uncomplicated, had it not been that I struggle with health issues because of stress and anxiety brought on earlier by his ADD. Also earning most of the children’s recreational funds in an exceptionally demanding line of work. So unfortunately I don’t have a surplus of energy to give out. Desperately, I do it anyway.

Distance is bliss in a way. But when children are involved, it’s not reassuring to have people ask me how he copes, and their blank stare when I shrug and say I honestly have no idea.

Get me right, I’m not looking to invade his privacy. 

Privately, I grieve the love we cherished. I’m so sad all my attempts ended in distrust. 

What if he’s doing badly? I feel I’d be morally obliged to help him because of his illness and our long relationship. Also because he’s been secretive - not opening up to anyone. I’m beginning to realize he’s shut me out effectively with opaqueness just as he’s always shut out everybody else, and it’s unlikely I will ever know more than this.

The ruined trust has made getting back together forever impossible. That I grieved during divorce and still grieve. For my part, I loved him. Even now I wish we could have saved this.