Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 99
September 24, 2018
Ask Sheila: My Daughter Wants to Wear PINK Clothes!
Today for our Ask Sheila video we’re featuring a mom who has issues with her 12-year-old who wants to wear Victoria Secret PINK clothing. She asks:
I have a 12 year old stepdaughter who is begging to wear clothing as well as undergarments from Victoria Secret PINK. Currently, our stance is she is not allowed to wear their clothing, nor is she allowed to even shop in the store. My husband actually did initially allow her to wear panties from this store and actually took her and purchased some for her 12th birthday. After further discussion, we decided this was not a great decision and have not allowed additional purchases from VS PINK or allowed her to shop there. I struggle with allowing a 12 year old to patron a store that sells sex. However she doesn’t understand this mentality claiming all of her friends shop there and wear their stuff. While I agree that much of their stuff is appropriate, I struggle with the image it creates. Please help! Are we being overly protective? Should we ease up on the rule of allowing her to shop at this store or wear this brand’s age appropriate products? I am mentally exhausted from the drama this is creating in our home.
Great question! My own daughters were both home last week since we were heading to Burlington to film some videos for The Whole Story, our puberty course that moms can share with their daughters, and–COMING SOON–that dads (or single moms) can share with their sons. We got TV personality Sheldon Neil to film the boys’ version for us, and we were filming some videos altogether. That will be launching October 16 (so excited!), but in the meantime, the girls have been home more than usual.
So I asked them to help me answer this question!
Honestly, I do think that a clothing allowance is the answer to a lot of this, and I’ll be reposting my blog post on how to do a clothing allowance well for your kids later this week.
In the meantime, here’s another post on clothing choices (with a handy checklist at the bottom) that you can use when talking to your girls about this sort of thing:
Why Don’t Be a Stumbling Block is a Really Bad Modesty Message–and what we should be concerned with instead
But now, let me know: what do you think of Victoria Secret PINK? How do you make these decisions with your kids? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach is a 23-year-old Canadian blogger/author and the daughter of Sheila Wray Gregoire. Married since 2015, she is passionate about helping others challenge the status quo and live for more, whether in their relationships, their educational or occupational goals, or their walks with God. And yes, like her mother, she also knits.Find Rebecca Here:Rebecca's Website
Other posts by Rebecca on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
Retraining Your Brain to Fantasize about HIM--And No One Else!
Should it be a Struggle to Not Have Sex Before You’re Married?
10 of the Best Decisions You Can Make in Your First Year of Marriage
How To Not Be a Legalistic Parent
Why I Didn't Rebel (my most viral post ever)
Read the rest of Rebecca's posts on TLHV here!
Check out Rebecca's book and course:Why I Didn't Rebel. Ever wondered why some kids rebel and some don't? Or do you believe rebellion is inevitable? Rebecca interviewed 25 young adults and dove into psychology research to find out: what makes some kids rebel, and some stay on the straight-and-narrow?
The Whole Story: Not-So-Scary Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up. Scared to talk to your daughter about puberty? Rebecca and her sister Katie want to do the hard part for you. This course is designed to start conversations to bring you closer together and strengthen your mother-daughter bond while giving your daughter all the information she needs as she becomes a woman.
Teenage rebellion doesn't need to be a part of your family's story. You can help your kids live for more! Get the first chapter of Why I Didn't Rebel for free here!
September 21, 2018
What if Balance is Overrated?
In our hectic lives, everyone is searching for that elusive thing called “balance”, where we feel like we’re living out our priorities, we’re able to get the rest we need, but we’re still being purposeful.
What if the whole idea of finding balance is more like a millstone around your neck than it is a real thing to aim after, though?
A few years ago I wrote this post on balance, and I thought I’d rerun it today because I was thinking about these issues again–and September seemed like a good time to think about these issues!
Finding Balance, in and of itself, says that some things must lose.
It says that you have to put less of an emphasis on one thing so that you can put more of an emphasis on something else. To aim for balance is really to aim for a constant series of trade-offs. You decide that this will have to go, that you can’t do this, all so that you can do this.
It’s not exactly an easy psychological process.
What if there’s a better way?[image error][image error]
A bunch of very disparate but interesting things have led me to this conclusion. First, I was reading Kathy Peel’s book The Family Manager while staying at a friend’s home recently. Her point is that many housewives are extremely capable when it comes to organizing work or organizing big functions at church, but we can’t seem to organize our homes. The solution? Take what you’re good at and apply those same principles at home. In other words, work to your strengths.
I’ve read something similar in another book recently, which even though I disagreed with much of it, that one part I thought was useful.
Forget finding balance; instead, figure out what you’re good at.
What makes you feel alive? What gets you excited? Now concentrate on maximizing your time for that.
At the same time, I’ve been delivering a number of messages at various speaking engagements about finding your purpose in life. And it occurs to me now that if we apply all three of these principles to our lives, we’d be a lot happier than if we just sought balance. So here’s what such a life would look like:
Forget finding balance; instead, figure out what you’re good at.Click To Tweet
1. Figure out your purpose.
What is it that God is calling you to right now? Where does He want you investing your time, your money, your energy? Sometimes there may be just one area; some of us have several areas. I feel called to speak, to homeschool, and to lead the Bible quizzing program with our youth at church. One of those areas is simply my specific responsibility (my family). God always calls you first and foremost to your family. The others are more where I am using my gifts and serving in my particular church.
When you figure out where you are most called, then it’s easier to emphasize those areas. Forget everything else. Let it all fall by the wayside. We don’t need to be “balanced”, doing everything in moderation. We need to be sold out to the areas where God has called us!
Figure out where God has called you, and ditch the rest. Yes, the other stuff needs to get done. But God will call someone to do that other stuff. Your responsibility is just to live out the areas where you are called.
I believe that we are always called primarily to our families and to the people who are closest to us. Those are the people that God has trusted us with to show them Jesus. We are also called to our local body of believers, to serve in at least some capacity. I don’t think having children gives you an excuse not to serve. We all can be serving somewhere, because without us the church can’t function. So ask God to show you in what one area you can serve that will make a difference.
2. In those areas where you feel called, work to your strengths.
Maybe you don’t cook. Maybe you never will learn to love cooking or cook very well. That’s okay. Stop beating yourself up about it. Learn to make 7 meals well, and rotate them every week. You’re allowed. Maybe your real gift is in making a fun home where you play lots of family board games and create an atmosphere where people just plain have a roaring good time, even if the house is never in tip top shape.
That’s who you are. Stop trying to become someone you’re not. What are your strengths in your family? Play to them. Do the things that you do well, and then figure out how to minimize the other tasks which do need to get done so that you have more time for your strengths. Don’t strive for balance, because in your case, balance means spending more time on stuff that frustrates you and makes you miserable, and less on stuff that gives you life.
Do the things that you do well, and then figure out how to minimize the restClick To Tweet
I was reminded of this a few years ago when I went on a craft binge. I bought painting supplies. I bought fabric to sew. I bought all kinds of stuff. And then I started doing it and hated it. I sewed my maternity clothes and they never fit quite right. I tried to stencil something and kept going out of the lines.
And all the while my knitting sat beside me, untouched. I was trying to conquer all these other crafts that I admired, instead of doing the one that I am great at (if I do say so myself) and that relaxes me. So now I proudly announce that I don’t sew, I don’t cross-stitch, I don’t scrapbook, and I don’t crochet. What I do do is knit. Everywhere. Even in line at the grocery store (I always have a pair of socks on the go in my purse).
It may not be balanced, but it’s what I’m good at and it’s what I enjoy. You don’t need to do everything. Work to your strengths.
Me knitting in the camper van in Australia on our tour last month! I made a lot of socks on that trip.
When you figure out what you’re good at, it’s easier to apply those things to your home. If you’re a spontaneous person, then create a spontaneous home. Work less to lists and more to creativity. That’s okay. Don’t try to be someone you’re not. Figure out how to get done what does need to get done, but then create a tone for your home where you’re laid back, and people can drop in anytime and it doesn’t bother you.
If, instead, you’re very organized, then don’t try to be spontaneous! Create a schedule for your day and stick to it. You’ll feel better.
Often instead of working to our strengths we work to our weaknesses.
We see the things we’re not good at and we spend all kinds of time trying to make ourselves better at these areas of weakness, rather than spending productive time in the areas where we do excel. If we each worked to our strengths, we’d get things done a lot more quickly and with a lot less grief.
God made you the way you are for a purpose. You do not have to be the typical Christian woman, because God may not have made you that way. He sure didn’t make me that way! I function best when I have a ton of things on the go. I work really hard, and then I crash really hard, and my family loves it. We’re busy, we do interesting things, we talk about interesting things, and no one day is ever exactly like the other.
That’s who I am. Do you know who you are? Or are you still reading all these books that tell you that you should fit into a specific mold? I think often we mistake our identity and calling with the things in life that need to get done. Just because laundry needs to get done does not mean that you are naturally a laundry person. Just because you’re looking after your children at home does not mean that you are naturally a kid person. But you can take what you are naturally good at and you can apply those things to how you manage your home, how you raise your kids, how you serve in church.
3. If you don’t fit the mold, break it!
Just don’t try to have balance, if what you mean by finding balance is that you do a little bit of everything. It seems to me that God calls us to live out our purpose, and to work productively six days a week, and then He calls us for one day a week to rest in Him, to have time to think, to meditate, to enjoy each other. That’s the balance that we need.
So make sure that you’re spending time connecting with God so that you can find your purpose. Spend time on your own everyday rejuvenating yourself so that you can live out that purpose. And then apply your strengths to living out your calling day by day. Don’t be everything to everybody. Be uniquely you. And that is perfectly okay.
Where do you think God has gifted you, and how can you use that to bless your marriage and your family? Leave your answers in the comments and let’s chat!
Balance is Often the Opposite of Passion
Here’s one other thing I’ve noticed that I want to mention–and thank you so much to the Ultimate Intimacy app for sponsoring this blog and for being so awesome for my readers!
When we focus on balance, we’re really focusing on everything being on the same even keel. That’s the exact opposite of passion, when you get so excited about something it carries you away!
Maybe this year you need to focus less on balance and more on passion–working to your strengths, figuring out who you were called to be, and, yes, throwing yourself into your marriage! I think it’s a much more satisfying place to be.
If you want more passion, check out the Ultimate Intimacy app! It’s got a great game to help you with foreplay and fun; an encyclopedia of 200 positions that you can filter for things like pregnancy; who’s in control; health issues, and more. It’s got a great repertoire of techniques to help you make sex feel great, as well as lots of resources for increasing romance, like conversation starters, date night ideas, and more.
Check it out on iTunes or Google Play!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
September 20, 2018
Women: Your Husband Is Not Jesus. Always Follow God First!
I’m trying to dedicate every Wednesday in the month to one simple theme. Last month we talked about the MBTI personality inventory and marriage; this month we’re talking about submission. And I have more than four posts in me, so I thought I’d take today to write an additional one, even though it’s not Wednesday!
Yesterday I was talking about how submission to your husband doesn’t mean that he makes all the decisions. I frequently get into conversations with people about this, because the main point I want to make is that ultimately, we’re supposed to be doing God’s will. In a marriage, then, what’s the best way to ensure that God’s will is done?
To me, it seems obvious that you wrestle things out together. After all, if you disagree on something, and then the husband decides what you do, there are only two possibilities: either one of you isn’t hearing from God, or both of you aren’t hearing from God. If, instead, you decide to pray it through, talk it through, ask others for help, and wrestle it through until you’re in agreement, then there’s more likelihood that both of you will indeed be hearing God’s voice.
When I talk to people about it, I tend to ask this question: “What happens when you disagree?” I want people to work through the fact that assuming that he should make the decision does not necessarily mean that you’re doing God’s will.
Recently, though, I was involved in a discussion on Twitter with a man that just wasn’t going anywhere. But as I pushed, I realized what the issue was, and it helped me to see the more husband-centered marriage theology in a new way.
They never disagreed on a decision, you see, because he always made the decisions with virtually no input.
Here’s how it works:
He believed that God called him, as the husband, to lead and make decisions. Therefore, whenever he led and made a decision, he was ipso facto doing God’s will.
But that’s rather circular, because what it’s saying is this:
Because God asks me to make a decision, when I make a decision, that decision is automatically God’s will.
We have now equated a husband’s will with God’s will. And that is highly problematic.
What if in a disagreement, our husband's will doesn't match God's? Does our husband still have the final say?Click To Tweet
He honestly believed that if his wife were to have input, then they would not be operating as God intended. The only way to have a marriage that is God-centered was to do what the husband felt was right, and never do what the wife felt was right. If they did what the wife thought was right, then they would be disobeying God. The wife’s views, then, became irrelevant and unimportant.
This may sound bizarre, but I actually really appreciated that Twitter conversation, because it opened my eyes to how some people do view submission. Indeed, if you believe that what God wants most in marriage is for a husband to make the decisions while the wife follows, then giving her a chance to follow a decision she disagrees with becomes more godly than working through a problem together. If the best way to obey God is to obey your husband’s decisions, then if you agree on something, you don’t actually have the opportunity to obey your husband–and thus obey God. It sets up this really strange dynamic where disagreement becomes more godly than unity!
If you believe God wants a husband to make decisions while the wife follows, then giving her a chance to follow a decision she disagrees with becomes more godly than working through a problem together. Anyone see a problem with that?Click To Tweet
I know some people (including this man) do adhere to this view. But I’d like to challenge it looking at 4 principles from Scripture.
1. God’s desire is that we do His will.
In the Lord’s prayer, we pray “Thy will be done”. That is our first and foremost duty on earth–to obey God.
God doesn't want marriage to be a place where the husband gets his way. God wants marriage to be a place where God gets His way.Click To Tweet
2. There is no mediator or substitute for God on earth.
You cannot claim that the way to obey God is to simply follow what someone else says. Peter said, “We must obey God, rather than man.” (Acts 5:29). Paul wrote that the only mediator we have between God and us is Christ (1 Timothy 2:5). Women do not have an additional mediator in our husbands; we are called to obey God first and foremost.
The only mediator we have between God and us is Christ. A husband is not his wife's mediator.Click To Tweet
3. God’s main desire is not that we have power, but that we serve.
So much of marriage theology is centered around who has power, and I think this neglects the heart of the gospel. As Jesus said in Matthew 20:25-28 (NIV):
Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
When we start saying, “Oh, but someone needs to have power!”, we’re missing the point. Jesus never asked that. Jesus said, “who can serve?” (And, indeed, that’s what we’ll be looking at next week when we see what submission really means in marriage!)
So much of marriage theology is centered around who has power, but God's main desire is that we serve, not that we have power.Click To Tweet
4. We are never to follow anyone into sin.
God is very clear that we are responsible for ourselves, and there is never an excuse for sin. Adam and Eve got in a lot of trouble for trying to blame others for their own sin!
Most people would agree with that, even those who say that the man should make all decisions in marriage. However, you can’t simultaneously believe that submission means following his decisions and also believe that we shouldn’t follow anyone into sin, because of Ephesians 5:24:
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
In everything. No ifs, ands or buts. If submission is about decision making, then wives should follow every decision. If, on the other hand, we’re called to faithfully serve our husbands in everything, then the verse makes perfect sense.
So next week I’ll issue my challenge to you (and it’s a big one!) on what it means to serve our husbands in everything. That’s what Jesus wants us to do. That’s what He modeled to us. And that is the heart of the gospel, and His will for wives in marriage.
Our Submission in Marriage Series:What Sarah teaches us about submission
What Jesus would say to those who believe a legalistic view of submission (and marriage)
Is Submission about Decision-Making?
Who Are We Following–Jesus or our Husbands? (this one!)
What Submission Really Means (It’s about Serving!)
Don’t forget to check out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, which covers all of this, plus more, in greater detail! You really can create peace in your marriage when you focus on serving each other and following God.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
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September 19, 2018
“In the Case of Ties, He Wins.” Is This Really Submission?
When I’ve asked that question at marriage groups, people hem and haw and then eventually come up with something like this:
When we’re disagreeing about something, the husband gets the final say.
This month, our theme on Wednesdays is talking about submission in marriage. We’ve already looked at what Peter meant by telling wives to emulate Sarah, and how Jesus would have approached people who say that women should always obey, in all cases, or that marriage as an institution is more important than the people in it.
Now I want to move on to the more practical stuff about submission–namely, what it really means. Today and tomorrow I want to talk about two big problems we can run into when we think that submission is all about decision-making. Then next week I want to end the series with a challenge about what it means to really serve your husband.
But let’s start by looking at this “in the case of ties, he wins” mentality of submission a little bit more.
I’ve written at length on this already, and I’d encourage all of you to read more about it.
Other Resources that Talk about Submission:
My book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage talks about how our view of submission as decision-making if off base, and then shows a better way to resolve conflict.
My 3-part series on conflict in marriage:
Submission Doesn’t Mean You Never Have Conflict (start here; the rest are linked within it!)
But let’s summarize some of this.
Ephesians 5:21-22 says this:
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
Those two verses form one complete thought. In fact, in Greek, the verb “submit” doesn’t even appear in verse 22, because it’s inferred from verse 21. In our Bibles, we put a big paragraph break and a heading between those two verses, which inadvertently makes it look like they are separate thoughts. But they’re not.
Submission can’t mean one thing in verse 21, then, and another thing in verse 22. If we believe that submission means “letting him make the decisions”, then what does it mean in verse 21? How do we all let everyone else make decisions?
Let me suggest, as we’ll look at next week, that submission is not about decision-making as much as it is about our attitude towards one another. It literally is about putting oneself “under” someone else. It’s the same thought that Paul used in Philippians 2:4, when he said,
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Submission is not about giving your spouse the final say as much as it is about our attitude towards one anotherClick To Tweet
And then in Philippians 2 Paul goes on to explain what that looks like–we adopt the mind of Christ so that we become each other’s servants. That’s the message of the gospel. That’s the main thrust of Paul’s letters. We are to serve.
I am going to look at this more next week, but today I want to ask this question:
“What effect does assuming that the husband will have to break disagreements have on people’s expectations of marriage?”
If one believes that the main thing that God wants for a marriage is that the husband makes the decisions when the couple disagrees, then there’s an underlying assumption about marriage that we need to confront.
We assume that marriage will be full of disagreements.
If, on the other hand, we assume that the main thing that God wants for a marriage is that the couple will faithfully serve each other and follow God, then there’s another underlying assumption about marriage.
We assume that unity is the norm for marriage.
Do you see the difference? If the main thing that women must do in marriage is to let her husband break disagreements, then that’s assuming disagreements are normal. If your underlying belief about marriage is that it’s about serving one another and serving God, though, then you assume unity is normal.
What happens when you assume disagreements are normal?
Let’s picture your average couple who grows up believing that a wife’s role is to defer to her husband when they disagree. She vows this in her wedding vows. She looks forward to having a man to shepherd her. She knows that they will often be at odds, because that seems to be the nature of marriage, but she knows that she can keep the peace by deferring to him.
That’s what she’s expecting she will do in marriage.
So this young couple gets married, and soon she finds that she feels very unloved. Maybe they don’t talk enough. Maybe he doesn’t do much housework. Maybe he wants sex all the time, but it doesn’t feel very good for her, and he doesn’t seem concerned.
Whatever the issue is, what does she do? She may decide that she can’t really make an issue out of the fact that sex doesn’t feel very good. If she wants more date nights, but he doesn’t, then she figures that she needs to stop hoping for something that won’t happen. If he doesn’t do housework, she doesn’t want to bring it up or “nag” him because that’s not her role.
And so she learns not to speak her mind, not to share her heart.
Things that are simply normal adjustments to marriage, or different personalities or love languages, are framed as moral issues where she must “submit”–aka let him have his way. Simple communication issues, which otherwise could be dealt with quite quickly, are framed as issues of submission.
What if, instead, the couple believes that unity will be the norm in marriage?
Then, when sex doesn’t feel very good for her but he wants it all the time, they can sit down and have a difficult conversation, knowing that what they both want is to feel close. They can talk about how to make sex feel better.
If she feels as if they don’t connect enough, but he feels everything is fine, they can talk about love languages or about setting up some daily routines so that she feels listened to, but he has time to unwind, too.
What if we assume that unity, rather than disagreement, is the norm in marriage? Here is how that change in perspective can revolutionize your marriage:Click To Tweet
They assume that compromise is necessary, but also that it isn’t all that hard.
What I have seen over and over again on this blog and as I speak at marriage conferences is that all too often women feel as if they can’t raise entirely legitimate issues–like sex not feeling very good–because to do so would somehow mean that they are not submitting to their husbands.
Because disagreements are assumed to be the norm, then there isn’t that same push to “make” peace. There’s only the onus, usually placed on her, to “keep” peace. If she raises a legitimate issue, or pushes too much, then she isn’t being biblical.
(Read more in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage about how being a peace-KEEPER and being a peace-MAKER are not the same thing at all!)
I’ve raised this issue before, and people have said to me, “why do you assume that you can’t have unity by her submitting to his decisions? Isn’t that the best way to unity?”
And to that I’d say–No. It isn’t. Because unity is about two people forming a new whole; it isn’t about one person disappearing so that the other gets all of his wishes met.
I find it very strange that throughout the Bible, the assumption about Christian relationships will be that there will be unity and a lack of disagreement, but then we turn around and interpret the marriage passages to be about breaking disagreements.
It’s like we believe unity is possible everywhere but marriage–and that’s why God told us to submit.
People often say to me, “Well, someone has to make the final decision!”
To which I reply, “Why?”
If Christianity is about having unity in our relationships, then why, when it comes to marriage, do we think that we need the husband to make the final decision?Click To Tweet
Marriage is about unity–and it’s not hard to decide things together when you prioritize serving each other.
When Keith and I disagree on something, we work it out. We talk about it. We pray about it. We wait on it. We seek counsel from others. And then we end up making good decisions together.
If two people have the Holy Spirit in them, then they already have the power for unity. They don’t need one person to break the tie; they simply both need to submit to God.
I hope we can change the way we talk about marriage so that we’re not expecting disagreements as much as we are expecting unity.
People live up to expectations. So, please, let’s stop framing marriage as this endless war that needs someone to win, and let’s start framing marriage as a journey you take together as you strive to be more like Jesus and to follow Him.
If we assume that marriage will be about unity, then when we had disagreements, we’d work to honestly solve them, rather than just paper over them because they’re inevitable. And I think that would lead to much healthier relationships.
Let's stop framing marriage as this endless war that needs someone to win, and let's start framing marriage as a journey you take together as you strive to be more like JesusClick To Tweet
What do you think? Have you seen marriages where she won’t speak up about normal things because she feels that’s “not her place”? Let’s talk in the comments!
More in our Submission Series:Submission and Sarah: What does it mean to obey like Sarah did?
Jesus’ View of Marriage and Submission: What does Jesus think of people who value marriage above all?
Does Submission Mean “In the Case of Ties, He Wins?” (this post!)
Your Husband is Not Jesus (tomorrow’s post)
What Submission Really Means: My Challenge for You (next week)
And check out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–which has all of this and more in it about submission!
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
Books
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
Read a few pages. Do what it says. Have incredible fun!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!
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September 18, 2018
10 Tips to Stop the Money Fights in Your Marriage
Today we’re joined by Lauren from the Determined Dollar to tell us how to cut down on the money fights–and how to grow our relationship instead!
Here’s Lauren:
Money fights may be common, but the answer isn’t to have the numbers-oriented spouse simply take over. That’s a recipe for disaster that results in one spouse blindly spending money while the other stresses out about unpaid bills.
Successfully navigating this tricky topic requires you to figure out how to work together and approach financial decisions in a way that benefits your bank account AND your marriage.
I freely admit it’s a process and it’s not easy to get to a place of financial harmony in marriage. Despite being “good with money,” it took me a long time to learn that the way I approach financial discussions with my husband is even more important than the financial decision in question.
Here are 10 tips that can help prevent money fights and instead have productive, loving financial discussions with your husband.
Here are 10 tips that can help prevent money fights and instead have productive, loving financial discussions with your husbandClick To Tweet
1. Adjust Your Expectations.
When my now-husband and I were dating, the topic of how we saved and spent our money eventually came up in conversation. I was SHOCKED when he said he wasn’t saving anything for retirement (because I’m a nerd) and I immediately started lecturing him about the importance of prudent investing.
As though a good lecture ever persuaded anyone!
If only I could go back 10 years and tell my younger self to have patience! If your husband isn’t immediately on board with your ideas to improve the family finances, give him time to get used to new ideas, and show respect for his perspective.
Bashing him with Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover isn’t going to solve anything, but inviting him to listen to a personal finance podcast episode and talking about it after can help you find common ground.
2. Pray together about your finances.
Pray together for God’s wisdom, even as you approach a monthly budget. Pray over your giving, saving goals, what you are investing in, and your spending priorities. When you seek God together, you are approaching your finances as a team, and you are able to receive godly wisdom to help you stay on the same page.
3. Write out a family vision and mission statement.
Financial decisions will either propel you closer to your dreams or will sidetrack you from them. That’s why it’s so important to discuss not just where your money is going, but WHY. Successful businesses and non-profits write mission and vision statements, not because it’s cute or catchy, but because these statements are powerful. They use these statements to guide their operations and financial priorities. Writing out a family vision and mission statement allows you to stay focused on your shared “why” and lets you assess whether or not your finances are aligned with the family vision.
4. Submit your agenda to the Lord.
Before initiating a discussion about a financial decision, pray and submit your opinion (even if you know are 100% right!) to the Lord. Ask him to help you have a soft heart and gentle spirit. Ask him to help you understand your husband’s point of view, should his opinion differ, and to help you uphold God’s will for your marriage (mutual love and respect) as more important than getting your way.
5. Choose grace and forgiveness.
Being intentional about money means you’re going to notice your mistakes- and your spouse’s. I can confidently say that as long as I’m managing money, I’ll keep making mistakes. And that’s okay! There’s no such thing as financial perfection. Whether it’s forgetting to log a purchase in the budget app or caving into temptation of a sale on fishing gear (when it wasn’t in the budget), choose to respond with grace and forgiveness, and move forward.
6. Set a time limit on budget meetings.
I could spend three hours examining every minute detail of our monthly budget and still feel as though we have conversation material. My husband, on the other hand, has an internal 30 minute tune-out countdown when it comes to money talk. Thank goodness for his sense of efficiency! Now, our monthly budget meetings typically take 15-20 minutes and we can move on to talking about weekend plans.
7. Schedule a weekly 5 minute financial review.
Set a weekly appointment so that talking about money becomes a routine occurrence. This accomplishes two goals: first, it helps you feel more comfortable having regular financial discussions (avoiding important discussions adds to stress and financial troubles). Plus, you won’t have to muster up the courage to bring up an important issue, because you have a standing meeting. It also prevents potential money fights in which one spouse is caught off-guard. Second, it gives you both the opportunity to review and adjust the budget each week, so that you can reach your goals faster.
8. Don’t hide accounts or purchases.
Just as grace and forgiveness are essential, so are transparency and honesty. When you’re married, you’re one, and that includes your money! This doesn’t mean you have to ask permission for every single thing you buy; it simply means honoring the budget that you both agreed on and not having any secret accounts or purchases on the side.
9. Allow Yourself Personal Pocket Money.
While my husband and I don’t have separate bank accounts, we did create separate line items in our budget for spending money. This solved 50% of our financial disagreements instantly! Now, I can get a pedicure without my husband balking at the cost, and he can buy a high tech gadget without wondering if I’ll think it’s cool.
Budgets that leave no room for pocket money are budgets that cause marital money fights! Plus 9 more tips on stopping money fights in your marriage: Click To Tweet
10. Know When to Get Some Help.
Sometimes a marriage counselor needs to be part of your plan. If over time you can’t agree on financial priorities, there is a lack of trust, or it’s impossible to have a civil discussion about money, marriage counseling can help resolve those issues.
When it comes to handling money, it can be challenging enough to manage it well without having to make decisions with another person who brings their own perspective! But when you are committed to seeking godly wisdom, opening lines of communication, and working toward common goals, you can achieve financial harmony in your marriage.
When you and your husband are committed to seeking godly wisdom, openly communicating, and working together, you can achieve financial harmony in your marriageClick To Tweet
Hi, I’m Lauren! I share practical solutions to conquer financial stress at The Determined Dollar. I’m a wife and mom, a follower of Jesus, an aspiring morning person, and a trained financial coach. I’m excited to show you how to take solid financial principles and apply them to real life!
Do you and your husband have lots of money fights? What’s at the root of them? Let’s talk in the comments!
September 17, 2018
Reader question: My Husband Won’t Get Adventurous in Bed
On Mondays I like to answer a reader question via video, because a lot of questions I’ve actually answered now in the past, so I’d like to make it more accessible in other forms, too. And then I’ll link to other things I’ve written on it. So here’s my answer:
Okay, now, for those of you who don’t like watching and would rather read, here’s what the reader asked:
I discovered your blog just a couple of days ago and it was really a blessing! i grew up in a church where we never spoke about sex and I grew up thinking that this is something “that you have to do to please your husband”. After we got married, we read a book about it and we learned that this is something that God created to be a pleasure and joy for both of us…and so it is. But my husband doesn’t want to get adventurous in bed. He always wants to do the same thing- 2 positions. I don’t know what to do. I’m bored of them. He doesn’t want to do oral sex because he said that it’s gross. I’m thinking that this is because before we married he used to watch porn and now he is ashamed. He did counselling for that and he is a free man, a wonderful man..but how can I convince him to have fun and to try new things?
Great question! Now let’s try to work through this.
God gave us great freedom in the bedroom--and God is a passionate God! But what do you do if your spouse won't try more than 1-2 positions? Some thoughts!Click To Tweet
Porn Can Make a Person Shy in Bed
He may not want to associate what he saw before with the marriage at all. And that can take some time to heal, to feel as if he can be truly intimate and lose himself with you. He may not want to risk his mind going back there. So I’d say: Keep talking to him about it. Try to rebuild intimacy slowly–spend a lot of time touching while you’re naked; talk while you’re naked, do a lot of massage together! Let him get totally comfortable with your body and let him start to associate feeling close with you with feeling aroused. That’s what ends up giving freedom!
Hot and Holy are Not Polar Opposites
I’ve written before that hot and holy should not be seen as two separate things. For more reading on this:
The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (there’s a whole chapter on it!)
How Hot and Holy Go Together in the Bedroom
Why I Spend So Much Time Writing about Steamy Sex
Try “His” and “Hers” Nights
When you ask for something because YOU want it, and you’d like him to help you out, that’s a different dynamic than “I think we should do this.” The first lets sex be something he does for you, so he doesn’t have to “own” the responsibility for initiating in the same way. The second needs to be him saying, “Yes, this is something I want to do!”, which can be more emotionally difficult. So you can try having “his” nights and “her” nights!
Some Great Resources to Help
Finally, I always find that sometimes when people hold back in bed, it’s easier for them to let go when it’s something external to them suggesting what to do, rather than them having to say, “let’s do this.” So you can try 31 Days to Great Sex, for instance, which takes you through exercises of fun things to do, but which also has days where the focus is on building intimacy.
Or you can try the Ultimate Intimacy App!
I talked about this in the video (and if you didn’t watch it, scroll to about 2/3 of the way and watch the demo of the app!). It’s really fun, and it can help you break that “boring in bed” vibe. Even if you just used it to randomly choose a position to try for a few minutes before moving on to one of his favourites (there are over 200 positions in the app!). There’s nothing gross in the app at all–no sex toys that could make people uncomfortable, nothing about fantasy or role playing or BDSM or anything. And there’s so much about building your emotional intimacy too, and making your marriage more romantic!
And the game is great. It prompts you through different things for about 2 minutes each (you can set the time for longer or shorter), and during that time you just do what it says. But because the app is so obviously marriage friendly, then it may make someone who is a little bit shy more open.
Check it out on iTunes or Google Play!
What if you’re the one who doesn’t want to get adventurous in bed?
Some help for you!
Top 10 Ways to Get More Adventurous in Bed
How to Tell Your Husband What You Want in Bed
I hope those help! And don’t forget to check out the Ultimate Intimacy App.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
Read a few pages. Do what it says. Have incredible fun!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!
.
September 14, 2018
“We Haven’t Had Sex in Two Years” Plus Answers to 12 More Sex Questions
At my Girl Talk, I talk in the first half about what God designed sex to be, and why we often experience such tension around libido differences and problems making sex feel good for her.
Then we take a break, where people can get food and some coffee, peruse the book table, but especially write out some anonymous questions for me.
At the break during our Girl Talk
After the break, I answer as many questions as I can before turning to the second half of the presentation, about the three building blocks for a great sex life.
This week I didn’t get to all the questions during the events, but I promised the women that I’d still answer them. So I thought I’d write out their questions in this post and then link to more information! (I’ve done that with previous Girl Talks where I had more unanswered questions about sex.)
It’s like she’s thinking, “I can’t believe Sheila just said that!”
Before I get to those questions, though, I want to tell you a little bit about our Guelph event. Catie, the awesome woman who planned it, only really started promoting it about a month ago. She told all the other churches in the area and got it in their bulletin. She talked it up to friends on Facebook and in person. And then for the actual event, she just bought some chocolates and a bit of fruit, and had coffee and tea. For decorations she just used a few pots of mums, and then we had our banner. And that was it.
Our Girl Talk Event was packed!
Seriously not a lot of work. And you don’t have to start promoting too much in advance because most people don’t commit until the last week anyway (which is really frustrating if you’re the organizer! People, if you’re likely going to go to an event, buy tickets ahead of time! It’s just the polite thing to do).
My event last night was sold out as well. The church was packed, and it was so much fun (I don’t have pictures because I only got home at 2:00 this morning and haven’t organized them yet!). But we’re planning another tour in November and then in January, and if you live in a state south of Michigan, and you’d like to host an event, just email my assistant Tammy. We’d love to include you on our tour! (Arkansas, Mississippi, and Tennessee–I’m especially talking to you!). And you can read more about Girl Talk here.
Okay, now let me get to those questions!
1. How many times a week does a healthy marriage have sex?
That depends on a lot of things—work schedules, age of kids, etc. I can tell you that when I did the research for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, 42.7% of women reported having sex less than once a week. That alarmed me, and when I surveyed the men most weren’t very happy about this! I would think that 2-3 times a week is a good number, but I also think maybe we’re asking the wrong question. Instead of saying, “how often should I?”, we should start framing it as, “sex is great for me! And I want this in my life.” A few posts that can help:
What does “Do Not Deprive” Mean? (a 3-part series)
Deciding How Often to Make Love
A Healthier Way to Talk about Sexual Needs (the end of this post shows a better way to talk about sex than what we may normally hear).
2. Why during pregnancy, and for a few months after—would a woman have ZERO desire. Is that normal? I’m afraid I won’t spring back after nursing.
Our hormones can really play a number on us when we’re pregnant and breastfeeding—and libido is heavily reliant on hormones. Here are a few posts that can help—some about pregnancy and some about hormones in general.
8 Steps to a Better Sex Life When Pregnant
5 Reasons Your Libido is Sub-Zero:
10 Things to Know about Hormones and Libido:
3. How can you keep your husband happy if sex isn’t possible for an extended period of time?
Health issues can cause a lot of problems for your sex life! Here are a few posts that can help:
When Sex Just Won’t Work: Can You Have a Marriage without Sex?
Sexual Options Besides Intercourse
Another important thing—don’t just think about keeping your husband happy. You need to relax and feel close, too! Prioritize your own enjoyment, and he’ll likely feel even better about sex than if he feels as if you’re just giving him sexual favours.
4. How do you bring up this topic with your fiance? What do you even talk about?
This can be quite the minefield! But I do think some conversations are important before you’re married—namely that you both think sex is important in marriage; that you realize that it’s a journey where it may not be perfect right off the bat, but you’re both dedicated to learning; and that you both understand that sex isn’t just for him, but for her, too. I think her reading The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is really important. And I hope that you’re getting pre-marital counselling where this is talked about!
But again, let me reiterate: Just know that even if it’s not great right off the bat, you’re both dedicated to work on it. BOTH of you. I think sometimes it’s assumed that if sex isn’t good, the wife needs to figure it out, because for the husband it’s working. Nope. You both need to figure it out! And here are some posts as well:
Top 10 Wedding Night Tips
10 Things to Share with Your Daughter Before She Walks Down the Aisle (these are just good to know!)
5. What happens when your body shape is not that important to you, but it is to him? How do you handle that?
Here are some posts that address this:
What if my husband doesn’t find me attractive?
Can We Talk about Weight in a Healthy Way?
6. How do you please your husband sexually while dealing with hormone problems and prolonged periods? Is oral sex okay?
First, I’d really recommend trying to deal with the hormone problems! I’m sure you’re trying, but look into changing your diet or look at adrenal fatigue and some other things that can cause your hormones to be out of whack. You don’t want to live like that!
Second, I always get nervous when people talk about “please your husband sexually” with no apparent emphasis on pleasing themselves as well. Sex is for you, too, and even if you’re experiencing hormonal problems, you still need that intimacy and release, so this may help:<
Sexual Options Besides Intercourse
And, yes, oral sex is totally okay!
7. What advice do you have for a wife who hasn’t experienced the big “O”, though she and her husband have tried often?There’s a LOT more information in both The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex, but here are two posts that can help:
How do I become more orgasmic?
How do I have an orgasm?
A reader also recently told her own story of a journey of finally reaching orgasm after 26 years of marriage, and you can find it here:
For the wife who has never had an orgasm
8. Any suggestions for women in menopause? Sex is not like it used to be!
Here are some posts that can help!
Why Can’t I Reach Orgasm Since I Hit Menopause?
5 Tips for Great Sex after Menopause
9. Do you have any practical advice for a wife whose husband has low libido, and I mean like we haven’t had sex in two years.
Yikes! That is really sad. And it’s increasingly common, too. For further reading:
Do I Have to Live with a Sexless Marriage?
And to go along with that one, here’s another question:
10. What is your main advice to the married couple who fall into the 30% where the woman’s drive is higher than her husband’s?
I’ve written a lot about this over the years, but here’s a post with links to a lot of the other ones, and that sums up a lot of information!
10 Things High Libido Wives Need to Know
When Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love
And this one helps you figure out how to broach the subject with your husband:
When He’s Not Interested in Sex: How to Communicate Your Needs
11. I love my husband dearly and he is a fantastic father, my best friend, and so much more. But he’s never been a good kisser and it’s hard often to really get into foreplay. How do I get past this? We have sex at least weekly—and I want more for us.
That’s a great question, and one I haven’t addressed before. I’d say practice, practice, practice. Set the timer for 15 seconds and try to kiss for 15 seconds. Or else ask him to be still and let you just kiss him. Let him see what it’s supposed to be like. Or you can even tell him what you like (without saying that you hate what he’s doing). Like: “You know what I really like when we kiss? When you start soft and then slowly build up, like this…” and then show him.
I think sometimes we’re scared to say something because we don’t want to insult our spouses, but then we end up having these sex lives where we’re not enthusiastic and we’re not enjoying it, and I’m not sure that’s actually very good for our spouse, either. Addressing it can be awkward, but in the long run it’s likely better to try to work at it and talk about it then to live with it and build up resentment or disappointment.
12. Is it wrong if he wants you to touch yourself instead of him doing it?
Okay, that’s a difficult question, because it depends on the context! If he’s saying, “I’m not interested in foreplay, so you get yourself excited and then we’ll have sex”, that’s really wrong. He should be getting you excited! And sex isn’t supposed to be a solitary thing where you yourselves excited and then use each other afterwards. It’s supposed to be about intimacy.
If, on the other hand, he just likes watching you touching yourself sometimes, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. And it can actually help guys figure out what we women like, too. It can be exciting for him to see you excited.
But if he likes watching you because he wants to maintain that distance–then that can be weird as well. So that may not be a very good answer, but in general I’d say, if it’s not a substitution for something important, and if it’s just occasionally, that’s fine. If it’s to maintain distance or fantasy, then it’s not. I hope that makes sense!
13. Is there a way to increase libido?
Absolutely! It all comes with recognizing all the elements that go into libido: What libido really means for women; how to think more positively about sex; dealing with sexual baggage; stopping all the multitasking; addressing body image issues; addressing hormonal issues; and even building your friendship.
Whoa. That sounds exhausting.
But it’s actually not! And there are small changes you can make that actually yield big dividends. I’ve created a great course on it called “Boost Your Libido”, and you can find it here!
September 13, 2018
Is Your Husband a Lone Wildebeest?
Allow me to explain.
After our missions project at the Mulli Children’s Family that I told you about on Tuesday, our team spent two days on safari at Ambuseli Park in Kenya.
On safari, you’re broken up into groups of about 5 or 6 and taken around in these jeeps where you can stand up and see the animals and take pictures. A naturalist driver tells you all about the animals and the surroundings and history as you go on game drives.
Is your husband a wildebeest? Here's an honest look at sex in marriage:Click To Tweet
Our friend Annie and I looking out over a family of elephants
We’ve been on safari before when the kids were younger, and I don’t know if it’s just that Rebecca’s an adult now, or if it’s because we were in a different park, but it seems like this safari was very R-rated. We saw multiple animals mating. We saw a male elephant that looked like it had 5 legs (it must have been thinking about something interesting, but then they do say that an elephant never forgets). And we heard a whole lot about the mating habits of the various animals.
Connor, Rebecca’s husband, has just joined the team to help me out on this blog, and so the whole safari we were killing ourselves with possible blog posts.
Is your husband a baboon? (Let’s just say that baboons seem very interested in the task at hand, but said task rarely takes more than 4 seconds. I can’t think that is very satisfying for the woman.)
Is your husband an elephant–who has a great fantasy life all by himself?
Is your husband a lion, who competes for all the women, and masters the women, but then also does no work and expects them to feed him.
Or is your husband a crowned crane, a bat-eared fox, or a goose who mates for life, and frequently will die of heartache if his mate dies?
But the one we settled on, the one that we just couldn’t get over, was The Lone Wildebeest.
Allow me to tell you the sad tale of male wildebeests.
Wildebeests live in large family groupings, with women running the family. When the males get to a certain age, they’re kicked out of the group, and go off to live on their own.
These wildebeests now have one main desire in life: to mate. They want to attract a woman wildebeest, and Get. It. On.
The only problem? The females are only interested in “getting it on” once a year, during the migration.
So here’s how it works. The male wildebeest has to scout out the landscape, and choose a territory that he hopes some females will pass through during migration. Then he guards that territory with great ferocity.
But the females only pass through the good territory. Conditions have to be perfect, you see. Some territories, then, are better than others. Throughout the year the male wildebeest might challenge another wildebeest to get a better piece of land, but even that is a bit of a crapshoot, because you never know what those women wildebeests are going to do.
Our lone wildebeest could stand there for the entire year, hoping upon hope that she will come his way, only to see her pass 100 feet to the left and go through some other wildebeest’s territory.
All over the African savannah are these lonely wildebeests, standing all by themselves, guarding their tiny plot of land, hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe, conditions will be perfect enough for her to say yes, on that fateful day once a year.
Our lone wildebeest in his territory, with Mount Kilimanjaro in the background
These lonely animals dot the landscape, guarding their land. And they wait.
(Now, the analogy breaks down a little bit here because the wildebeests who do get lucky get REALLY lucky, and can mate with up to 100 females in a day. Then they have to spend the next year getting their energy up again. But let’s just work with the waiting lone wildebeest trying to create the perfect conditions, and never knowing if that will be enough. That’s the picture that really resonated with me.)
I think a lot of us have turned our husbands into lone wildebeests.
They’re out there, trying so hard to make conditions perfect, but never knowing if it will actually work. And even if it does work, it’s only for one day in an endless long series of other days. That’s an awfully lonely life.
As I explained in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, most men make love in order to feel loved. When a woman enthusiastically wants to have sex with him, then he feels as if she is accepting him and loves him. Women, on the other hand, often need to feel loved in order to make love.
If you look at that equation, then, it seems as if it’s easier for men to feel loved than it is for women to feel loved, and I actually think that’s quite true. If a man feels like you appreciate him and that you want him then, in general, he’ll feel ten feet tall. Oxytocin, that bonding hormone that we release during sex, will kick in, lowering his stress and making him more affectionate. He’ll feel competent and appreciated, and he’ll want to keep excelling in the family sphere because it’s something he does well.
It seems so easy! So why, oh, why, is it so hard for women to want to make love like that?
Because we don’t work that way.
I’ve known many men who are working so hard to make conditions absolutely perfect–they’re being saints at home, but we often don’t acknowledge it, thinking that they have an ulterior motive, and so they don’t deserve to be thanked.
Are we too focused on what is “right” and what is “fair“?
Women are naturally multi-taskers, and we have a million things in our minds at one time. If our husbands meet one of our needs, then, we’ll simply think of 99 others that are unmet, because all of it is sloshing around in our brains, all the time. We’re asking ourselves, how much did he care for the kids today? How much housework did he do? Did he let me talk? Did he care? And if the answer is no in any of these areas, we tend to hold it as our right to pull back from him until he improves.
We don’t tend to feel all lovey dovey towards him when he does something right. We don’t feel ten feet tall when he does the dishes or takes care of the kids. We simply think, “that’s what he should have been doing anyway”–and then we focus on all the other things we still need.
So the adage, “meet your spouse’s needs, and they’ll meet yours” has much more of a chance of working for women than it does for men.
It’s much easier to make conditions perfect for a guy, you see (you just have to walk through his territory!), then it is for a guy to make conditions perfect for you (he has to figure out what territory you like, make claim to it, make it perfect, and make sure he’s exactly in the right place at the right time). Because men can focus on one thing at a time, then when you show appreciation, he feels appreciated. Because women are multi-taskers, we’re not as straightforward, and it’s harder for us to feel all lovey dovey.
I know that so many of us have good reasons for not wanting to walk into our husband’s territory. Maybe he doesn’t care about your pleasure in the bedroom. Maybe he’s addicted to porn or is controlling or abusive.
And if that’s the case, you certainly have to deal with those things before you work on sex!
But for many of us, I do believe that we are making our husbands wait an awfully long time for sex–and then we’re still saying, “Conditions aren’t quite perfect.” That’s not going to create a happy marriage. And it’s going to make your husband really lonely.
So let me ask you–are you acting like a female wildebeest?
Then perhaps it’s time to stress sex more in your marriage! My Boost Your Libido course can help you do just that, showing you that you actually can feel more in the mood. You don’t need conditions to be perfect. You can take control over so many aspects of your libido, and you can start thinking differently about sex! And then you can start creating the marriage you want.
Don’t let your husband get discouraged like this.
Our poor lone male wildebeest
Don’t let him be a lonely wildebeest. Just love him–even if conditions aren’t perfect. And I think you’ll both be much happier.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
Read a few pages. Do what it says. Have incredible fun!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!
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September 12, 2018
Our Submission Series: Does Jesus Value Marriage Over the People in It?
They take verses out of context from New Testament letters, or from the creation story, but they never reference what Jesus may say on the matter.
Last week I talked about principles of interpreting the Bible: Scripture cannot contradict Scripture, but everything should tell one complete story. When you read something that’s jarring, then, you should ask, “what does the rest of Scripture tell us about this?” We did that last week with the Abraham and Sarah story, and Peter’s command that women emulate Sarah, who obeyed Abraham.
Today I want to talk about another principle (one that Bruxy Cavey wrote about so well), and it’s this:
Scripture was meant to point us to Jesus.
It is Jesus who is the ultimate Word of God (John 1:1). He is the ultimate embodiment of God’s message to us. If you want to understand the full picture of God, we look to Jesus (Colossians 1:15-19). Jesus tells us how to interpret Scripture–and over and over again He said things like, “You have heard it said…But I tell you.” He is the ultimate authority. All Scripture must be interpreted through what we know about Jesus.
All Scripture must be interpreted through what we know about Jesus--no more cherry-picking verses!Click To Tweet
And Jesus taught us two main things on this earth: How we are to treat other people, and how we are to understand our relationship with God. He modelled the perfect life for us, and it is He whom we should ultimately be following. Indeed, it is God’s desire that we be transformed into Jesus’ likeness (Romans 8:29).
With that in mind, I’d like to look at an incident in Jesus’ life that we find in Luke 6:6-11. It’s not specifically about marriage, but bear with me, because I believe it’s a perfect parallel to what is going on right now.
6 On another Sabbath he went into the synagogue and was teaching, and a man was there whose right hand was shriveled. 7 The Pharisees and the teachers of the law were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal on the Sabbath. 8 But Jesus knew what they were thinking and said to the man with the shriveled hand, “Get up and stand in front of everyone.”So he got up and stood there.
9 Then Jesus said to them, “I ask you, which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to destroy it?”
10 He looked around at them all, and then said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He did so, and his hand was completely restored. 11 But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law were furious and began to discuss with one another what they might do to Jesus.
Let’s paint the picture for a moment. The Pharisees were devoted to faith and following God, as they knew Him to be. They loved the Law as it was revealed in the Torah. It was indistinguishable to them from God Himself. Following God meant following the Law, and following the Law meant following God.
And it was written that one mustn’t work on the Sabbath.
That meant, therefore, that in order to bring God’s favour, no one must work. This was what God wanted; this was what made God happy.
It infuriated the Pharisees that Jesus did not appear to love the Law as they did. It infuriated the Pharisees that Jesus talked as if He actually knew God, and had a relationship with Him. That wasn’t that way God revealed Himself! Jesus, in essence, was being “liberal”. He was all touchy feely, and He was abandoning the rock of Scripture. He was abandoning God’s Word.
Jesus walks into the middle of this mindset this particular Sabbath in the synagogue. Present at the gathering is a man with a shrivelled hand. Jesus decides to deliberately make a point and reveal the Pharisees’ hearts. He asks them:
Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to destroy it?
I’m not sure the Pharisees even understood the question, because they would never have framed the debate that way. To them, they were indeed saving life by preserving the Law! The only way we stay in right standing with God is to obey the Torah. Therefore, the letter of the Law becomes the ultimate good.
Jesus turned all that on its head. Jesus showed that what the Pharisees were doing was actually destroying life. You see, the dichotomy here was not “should Jesus heal or should he not heal”? The dichotomy was living solely according to the Law at the expense of people, or helping people at the expense of the Law. Jesus was saving life; and He was insinuating that the Pharisees were destroying it by forcing people to obey rules.
But hold on a second–weren’t those rules set up by God?
Well, yes. But there’s something deeper (as Aslan would say in the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, there’s a Deeper Magic).
We get a picture of that in Mark 2:27, when Jesus says this:
“The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.”
In other words, God gave us the Sabbath to bless us. God wants to bless humanity! Our well-being matters to God. It is not blind obedience that God wants regardless of consequences; He put everything in place for our own good. In and of itself, rules are meant to point us to Jesus. Normally, taking a day to worship God and forget about our work enhances our well-being. But when it becomes about the rule, then we forget about God. We don’t understand who God is or why He made the Sabbath to begin with.
After this episode, the Pharisees were furious with Jesus. This moment in Jesus’ ministry was the moment that they first started plotting to kill Him. I don’t think they were furious because He healed; I think they were furious because He was threatening everything they believed about Scripture. They felt He was leading people away from God. They were righteously indignant. The only problem? They totally misunderstood God.
This, I believe, is what is happening with regards to marriage today.
Today, there are women in hurting marriages, who are being emotionally, physically, and sexually abused, who are being told, “you are to submit to your husband in everything.” They are being told that to speak up is sin, because women are to be silent. They are being told that it is God’s will that men rule over women, and so to try to assert your rights is to usurp men’s authority and go against the will of God. You don’t matter; only your husband’s will does, because you are to follow your husband.
Too many Christian leaders are taking verses out of context, ignoring the character of God and the words of Jesus, in order to maintain a religion that is built on a certain kind of power and that shows no grace at all.
And there are men in hurting marriages, whose wives refuse intimacy, whose wives are emotionally abusive, whose wives are even physically abusive. And if they try to get help, or try to say, “I’m drowning here!”, they are told, “God hates divorce.” Too many Christian leaders believe that what pleases God is maintaining the rule, not glorifying God in your relationship. In fact, their definition of glorifying God in your relationship is to save the relationship at all costs, even if it hurts you or enables sin.
When I speak up about how Jesus’ greatest desire is for us to look like Him, and how marriage should not be used to enable sin, people become furious with me.
I have been told that I am exciting itchy ears, that I am being a tool of the devil, that I am in league with Satan simply by saying that to Jesus, God’s will matters more than a husband’s will.
Marriage should not be used to enable sin. God's will matters more than a husband's will.Click To Tweet
I believe the problem is that we have placed a certain view of marriage–where it is absolutely permanent, with the husband exercising his will over the wife–ahead of the gospel. By saying that, though, I am going against everything that they believe in. They have clung to certain verses (and ignored the heart of God and the rest of Scripture), and believe that I am leading people astray, just like the Pharisees believed about the Sabbath.
Their fury is real, but it is misplaced.
So let’s get back to Jesus’ heart: Marriage was made for us, not us for marriage.
And in marriage, God wants to be glorified. He is not glorified by sin. He is not glorified by abuse. He is not glorified by two people drifting away from Him because the husband won’t “lead” and the wife is waiting for him to. He is glorified when we step up and do the hard things–when we “act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God.” (Micah 6:8).
And when we do those right things–when we start acting appropriately and setting boundaries–THAT is often when dying marriages are turned around. When people suddenly face the consequences of their actions (when they reap what they sow), then people often realize the need for change.
Don’t miss the point of Scripture. Jesus is the Word of God. If your view of marriage has absolutely nothing to do with how Jesus acted here on earth, then your view of marriage is seriously off-base. And it amazes me how, when I try to engage these people in the comments, none of them ever has anything to say about Jesus. They quote other parts of Scripture, but ignore Jesus altogether.
If your view of marriage has absolutely nothing to do with how Jesus acted here on earth, but comes out of God's prophecy that men will rule over women, then your view of marriage is seriously off-base.Click To Tweet
So let me ask with Jesus–what is lawful with marriage, to do good or to do evil, to save life or to destroy it?
If your view of marriage ends up destroying people, then your view of marriage contradicts the ultimate Word of God–Jesus Himself.
Our Submission Series:
What does it mean to obey like Sarah?
Does Jesus value marriage more than the people in it? (this one)
In the case of ties, he wins–Is that what submission means? (coming next Wednesday)
Are you following God or your husband? (coming next Thursday)
What does submission really mean? (coming the last Wednesday of the month)
What do you think? Have you heard teachings on marriage that actually harm people? What’s a better way to think about it? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila's Best Posts
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Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
September 11, 2018
10 Things I Learned on the Other Side of the World
It was our fourth time visiting the Mulli Children’s Family, a home to orphaned, abandoned, or abused children. MCF was started a Kenyan almost 30 years ago. Charles Mulli grew up as a street child, in abject poverty, but rose in the business world and became quite wealthy. Then one day God told him he was to serve the children he had left behind.
MCF has since seen 13,000 children going through their program. They now have about 700 kids at the location where we stayed, along with another 100 teenage girls nearby at another farm location. The teenage girls, many of whom are child mothers, were mostly rescued from abusive relationships or sex trafficking, and are given vocational training. The main location takes kids through the school system and, if funds are available, sends as many as possible to university.
We visited in 2006, 2007, and 2010, but then not again until this year. My mother and Keith were the team leaders. Our team of 21 were half medical (they ran a medical clinic for the community, which ended up treating about 1300 patients) and half humanitarian. (You can see my husband’s reflections on the medical team here). The rest of us gave out donations, repaired clothing, played with the kids, and taught skills. I worked with some of the girls at Ndalani (where we stayed) to teach them how to actually knit a sweater.
Here are 10 things I had to go halfway around the world to learn:Click To Tweet
Then Rebecca and I introduced some of the girls and staff to Diva menstrual cups (since pads are so expensive) and handed out many that we brought.
Rebecca explaining how a menstrual cup works
We also showed them how to sew cloth menstrual pads, both to use and to sell.
The girls getting ready to sew some pads!
And then I did a big question and answer session with the rescued teen moms about sex and relationships. A dear Kenyan woman had to translate into Swahili for me, and let’s just say that she had never had to translate like that before!
Answering anonymous questions about sex.
It’s hard to sum up the trip quickly, but here are 10 random thoughts from my trip:
1. Beauty is all around you.
The people are beautiful. The singing is beautiful. The land, even with its cactus and thorns, is beautiful. The animals are beautiful. And perhaps because you live more outdoors and you’re not connected to a computer, you experience and appreciate that beauty in a way that we can’t in our busy lives. It reminded me that there is much beauty at my home, too, and often I miss it because I hibernate, or I don’t look. Time to look.
The Kenyan sunset over the plains.
2. You don’t suddenly self-destruct if life slows down
I went with the expectation that I would get X, Y, and Z done. But things don’t move according to my agenda. They value people much more than accomplishments, and they’d rather sit and talk to you than do something that you think is important. Rather than get frustrated, I learned how to talk and enjoy people with no agenda. It was actually quite freeing.
3. God heals HUGE things.
Seeing a girl who was rescued from a ditch at the age of 3 weeks of age, and is now a thriving child in high school, is an amazing experience. Hugging a child who is 2 and who has survived her house being burned down while her mother did not, and feeling her peace, is so calming. It reassures you that no matter how dark life can get, God does not leave you. He snatched these children out of the worst circumstances and brought them to a place with great light. And we would say that these kids will never recover from their psychological wounds, and yet I have seen adults who grew up there as children who are now doing well–they’re married, they have jobs, they’re happy.
My time in Kenya taught me that God heals HUGE things! Here are another 9 things my trip taught me:Click To Tweet
One of the best blessings of this trip is that we got to see some of the kids we met years ago doing so well. We first met Benedict when he was in junior high back in 2006. This year he was one of the Kenyan doctors who helped out at the clinic. He grew up at MCF. Now he’s married, with a little girl, and is working as a physician.
From left to right: My son-in-law Connor; me; Benedict, right before clinic one morning; Keith; my daughter Rebecca
Esther was one of Rebecca’s closest friends, from way back in 2006. They have kept up on Facebook. She married another beneficiary from the program, and he now works as an engineer, after going through university.
Rebecca and Esther from our trip in 2006.
We met up with Esther in Nairobi, and we got to meet her two adorable little sons. Here’s the oldest, peeking out from behind his mom:
Rebecca and Esther in Nairobi–that’s Esther’s oldest son looking super cute in the background.
Perhaps we don’t recover from traumas because we’re too focused on them. These kids don’t focus on the past–they focus on opportunities. They work hard at education, they make new friends, they learn to love God, and they form families of their own. Somehow the hurts fade. It’s a good lesson.
4. One of the greatest untapped resources is human potential.
The medical team was so impressed with Benedict, and loved working with him (also because he made them laugh!). And they were so impressed with some of their translators, too, who were high school students who hoped one day to become nurses or doctors.
It made me think: What would have happened to Benedict if he had not been given this opportunity? What would have happened to Esther and her husband if they had not had education?
I believe that Africa has the human ingenuity, intelligence, and dedication to fix many of their problems. What’s holding them back is that much of those resources are untapped, residing inside children eeking out an existence in the slums, with no way to get education. That’s truly a tragedy.
5. Women the world over love to feel pretty.
There’s a high-end bra manufacturer in a town near us that donates all of their “seconds” (those that don’t pass quality control). Usually it’s because they’re mislabelled or the band size is off by 1/8″. So they’re perfectly good bras, and very high quality.
We take over thousands every time we go, and fit all the girls and the staff.
One of the images that will never leave my mind is a woman who worked in the kitchen, likely in her 40s, wearing a shapeless dress that had likely never covered a bra. My mother was rummaging through trying to find a good size when I whispered, “Lacier! Give her lace!” She was wearing a shapeless dress. We found her the absolute laciest purple one we could put our hands on in her size (we tried them all on over their clothes). Her face lit up like you wouldn’t believe. It was just one of those moments.
6. The chance to have a hobby and be creative is such a gift.
We started bringing yarn over for their knitting vocational program back in 2004 (when my mother went for the first time). This trip I wanted to do something different. I wanted to leave some yarn for the younger girls, who live at the main location and go to school, so that they could knit for fun. I left some basic patterns they could do, and then I identified four girls who could knit well, and took them through the process of actually making a sweater (so that they could teach others when I left).
I first met Queen in 2006, when she was just 3, a week after she had been rescued. Here she is at 4:
Queen in 2007, about a year after she had been rescued.
When she was 7, we taught her how to knit.
Queen learning to knit in 2010
She’s now 16, and she was one of my girls. We had such fun, and I so enjoyed seeing her doing so well!
Queen practicing “ribbing”
Posing with Queen while other girls knit in the background.
One of the greatest joys of my childhood was knitting. I loved having a hobby. When we handed out the knitting needles and yarn–let’s just say the girls were VERY excited. It’s a blessing to have hobbies, and I wanted to share it with those who have so little, too.
7. 6-Year-Old Boys Are 6-Year-Old Boys the World Over
In the middle of teaching knitting, a 6-year-old boy grabbed at my hand. “Mzungu, mzungu!” (White person! White person!). He got my attention. Then he plopped something into my hand. It was a beetle the size of my palm. I rewarded him with very loud screams, which got louder when I saw how happy they made him.
Yep, 6-year-old boys are 6-year-old boys.
8. It’s okay to say that some cultural traditions need to fall by the wayside.
In the West we’re so leery about imposing our views on other cultures. But you know what? Some cultural practices are just plain evil. Female genital mutilation is evil. Child marriage is evil. Sending boys to school but not girls is wrong.
I hope we would all know that. But those things are not necessarily all agreed to be evil in Africa. Many tribes still practice these things, and there is great work to be done.
When I spoke to the child mothers at the vocational program, one of the things that I kept reiterating, over and over again, is that sex is meant for marriage. These girls are mostly Christian, but that is a lesson that they don’t seem to have understood. In North America, most Christians would agree that God wants sex for marriage–even if they disregard that. But in Kenya, many don’t even realize it. It’s not taught. And here’s something else interesting: There’s no Swahili word that means the equivalent of “sexual consent”. The idea that just because a man in authority wants sex does not mean that you have to provide it is not widely taught, just because sex isn’t talked about that much. I had some heartbreaking questions in our Q&A that will haunt me for a long time. But I pray that those girls understand that it’s okay to say no, and it’s okay to say, “if you really love me, you will want the best for me, and you will want to marry me. You will want to give to me, not just to take from me.”
9. People Crave Human Contact
The medical team saw a number of people who presented with issues far too severe for the clinic to handle. Many of them had walked along a dusty road for hours to get to the clinic before 8:00 am, despite intense pain, serious illness, and bones that had been broken for months. When told by the doctor that nothing could be done for them at the clinic, they would often smile and thank the doctor, grateful simply because someone had listened to them, touched them, and tried to help them.
Nursing student Annie (who was also one of Katie’s bridesmaids) on triage
10. Canadians really want a chance to be a part of something bigger
Our team consisted of 21 people, most of whom we hadn’t personally invited to the team. Instead, when the word got out that Keith was leading a team to Kenya, these people started breaking down the door trying to join.
Getting ready to head to the airport!
Friends, family, and the community really stepped up and helped fund the team’s travel expenses, sent donations, and spread the word. One little girl even spent the last 3 years making bracelets so every kid in MCF could have one (and we handed them all out!).
It can be really disheartening when we look at the news. But whenever there’s an opportunity to help, people do step up. That’s worth celebrating.
I’m left with the thought that this is not real life–this thing that I do.
This playing on the computer and figuring out what to wear each day and taking the car in for an oil change and planning vacations. It’s all fun, and it’s all part of my daily routine, but life is so much bigger. The world is so much bigger. And we need to listen to God’s whispers to take us out of our small lives and pay attention to that bigger one–the one around the world, the one around the corner, even the one that He is creating for us that we can’t see yet. Each day is a gift, so let’s spend time just appreciating it, and praying, and being still. Let’s not get overwhelmed by the here and now. This is such a small part of God’s creation, and He is doing so much in the world. I’m glad to realize again that the world does not rest on me–it rests on Him, and what He is doing. And that’s so much better.
Each day is a gift, so let's spend time just appreciating it, and praying, and being stillClick To Tweet
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
